Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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CHARLIE HAAS EARNS MONEY AS “TECHNICALLY PRECISE, BUT CHARISMATICALLY BANKRUPT” BIRTHDAY PARTY CLOWN
By Justin Henry
Edmond, OK – Former WWE superstar and current ROH World Tag Team Champion Charlie Haas is approaching his fortieth birthday. With uncertain years ahead of the former amateur star, Haas has deemed it prudent to supplement his income as much as possible.
With a wife and three children to support, Haas has taken up weekend dates as “4Star”, a technically precise, but charismatically bankrupt, birthday party clown.
“I remember one of my birthdays as a child where my parents had hired a clown,” Haas remembers with snooze-worthy detail. “His name was Bonkers and, while he was exciting, he didn’t have very many tricks. The ones he did, he did very well, but I knew that if I ever became a party clown, I’d have a much wider arsenal of things to perform at parties, and my execution of such tricks would be pristine. I always felt that what I lacked in personality, I’d more than make up for with a display of heed.”
However, as proven at a recent party held on the seventh birthday of little Joey Darmund, Haas’ rationalization isn’t agreed upon by everyone.
“Darmund and his little friends didn’t seem to enjoy my act at all. It was a rolling disaster from the start. First, I was making the balloon animals, and I refused to pander with a silly voice, so I just casually explained the handiwork involved with making a balloon giraffe. One kid was so put off by my low monotone that he began crying. Another kid said she saw a better clown at her cousin’s party, and I got mad. I was like “Let’s see HIM make a giraffe this accurate!”
Haas also mentioned that he would cater less to children, but an older crowd isn’t as likely to spend money on his vocation.
WWE SUSPENDS TWITTER FOR THIRTY DAYS DUE TO WELLNESS POLICY VIOLATION
By Justin Henry
Stamford, CT – World Wrestling Entertainment was rocked internally by yet more scandal this week, as the popular social networking site Twitter, an in-house favorite for WWE to promote their global appeal, was suspended thirty days for violation of the company’s Wellness Policy.
The decision comes down days after Vince McMahon, an ardent advocate for the use of Twitter as an advertising tool, made a horrifying discovery.
“McMahon had logged into Twitter after a meeting on Monday, and was aghast at what he saw,” said a source who asked not to be identified. “In his “recommended follow” list, there popped up three different pages. Two were for online pharmacies, and the other one was for a guy named “Shuffle” who, according to his description, “can get you the really good stuff for a fee.” Being that his main followers included Mason Ryan, Dave Batista, and the estate of Road Warrior Hawk, it seems clear what that “good stuff” happens to be.”
WWE officials knew somebody was about to be suspended, because McMahon allegedly spent forty-five minutes flushing his personal toilet, while screaming, “NOTHING BUT FLINTSTONES CHEWABLES IN HERE!”
When it was pointed out that Twitter itself didn’t actually violate the Wellness Policy, but instead made suggestions for whom McMahon can follow based on the pages he personally views, our source blinded our reporter with a handful of salt and ran away.
As for the suspension of Twitter, the WWE locker room will have to find other ways to express themselves until December 7th. Only in rare cases does this seem to be an issue.
“Michael Cole’s been calling me every hour to ask what’s trending,” said former WWE superstar and current Twitter user Cliff “Domino” Compton. “He sounds really needy and desperate.”