Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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BROCK LESNAR REDISCOVERED PASSION FOR PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING AFTER GETTING ASS HANDED TO HIM IN LAST UFC FIGHT
By Justin Henry
Webster, SD – Shockwaves are still being felt throughout the wrestling business, after Brock Lesnar’s electrifying return to World Wrestling Entertainment this past Monday night.
Lesnar, a former three time WWE Champion, ruled the wrestling roost from 2002 to 2004, before suddenly quitting at age 26, first to pursue a career with the National Football League, before finding his niche as a dominant heavyweight in the Ultimate Fighting Championship. From November 2008 to October 2010, Lesnar reigned as the organization’s undisputed Heavyweight Champion.
However, consecutive losses, first losing the title to Cain Velasquez in October 2010, as well as a humbling defeat to Alastair Overeem fourteen months later, led to mixed martial arts’ highest drawing performer of all time’s retirement from “The Octagon.”
Three months later, “The Next Big Thing”, who repeatedly swore off press conference interrogatives about returning to wrestling, was back on Monday Night Raw, planting fellow megastar John Cena with his patented F5.
What changed the mind of this storied athlete?
“There I was, lying on the canvas inside the Octagon, when it hit me,” recalls Lesnar. “First, it was Overeem’s feet kicking my insides into oatmeal, and then, like an epiphany, it occurred to me: you know, I miss the days of being paid to PRETEND fight. No one in WWE, not even tough guys like Kurt Angle and The Undertaker, kicked me as hard as this Dutchman was. I mean, he was, like, you know, kicking me really hard. As I was spitting up blood, and I felt my dinner gurgling, leaving me in searing pain, I remembered that stalking Undertaker’s wife and kissing Angle weren’t all THAT bad.”
Lesnar is expected to make several appearances a month under his new WWE deal, in which he may dance with Brodus Clay, or perhaps do a love triangle with Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero.
“Hey, it’s preferable to being beaten to a pulp by fighters with more experience while my intestines fray like rotted wires!” laughed Lesnar.