Headlies: 56 Year Old Man Can’t Believe Zack Ryder Isn’t Being Pushed

3 Submitted by on Fri, 01 February 2013, 09:00


Cedar Rapids, IA – Phil Samuelsson, a 56 year old Systems Analyst for QuantComm International, could not believe that WWE Superstar Zack Ryder is not receiving a push. The middle-age father of three expressed his feelings of disappointment and annoyance over the fact that, despite Ryder’s internet popularity, he is rarely on television and not in line for the WWE championship.

“Bro, don’t get me started!” exclaimed Phil in between a conference call with the Omaha office and a team meeting. “Zack should be pushed all the way to the freaking moon. He’s got the talent, he’s got the skills, and he’s got the look. WWE has no idea what they’re doing. Everyone’s tired of John Cena and, come on, CM Punk isn’t that great. I mean, how can they just ignore how many Twitter followers Zack has? That means something in 2013! He should win the Rumble and then go on to Wrestlemania to face The Rock. Give the people what they want, broski.”

“At first, it didn’t bother me that he kept talking about Zack, but that’s because I just assumed he was Phil’s son,” said coworker Shelly Simmons. “I was really embarrassed on “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” when I asked which one of his sons was Zack and they started to cry. Then, Phil started wearing his Ryder t-shirt and sunglasses to the office, even when it wasn’t Dress-Down Fridays. He’d finish each meeting with ‘Woo woo woo, you know it.’ We had no idea what he was talking about so we’d just kind of awkwardly laugh before running back to our desks.”

“If he wears that stupid Zack Ryder wig to bed one more time, I’m going to divorce him,” said Phil’s wife, Janine. “At first it was cute, watching him talk wrestling with the kids and dressing up as Zack Ryder for Halloween. They grew out of it and now it’s just scary. What kind of grown man does this? He missed our son’s high school graduation just to watch Main Event just because Zack Ryder might have a match. To make things worse, he keeps calling me “Eve”.  Oh, and there is no way I’m calling him ‘Long Island Iced P!’”

When Phil was informed that Ryder would not be appearing on this week’s Raw, he made multiple Tout videos displaying his displeasure. He then took to Twitter, repeatedly tweeting “You can’t be serious, bro!” to every WWE employee on the website until his account was suspended for spamming.

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
3 Responses to "Headlies: 56 Year Old Man Can’t Believe Zack Ryder Isn’t Being Pushed"
  1. RD Reynolds says:

    I really need to wear one of those into my next staff meeting.

  2. Zeez says:

    Maybe if he had been shot in the eye during a liquor store robbery I would care.

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