Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here
MICHAEL MCGILLICUTTY TEARS SHOULDER WHILE DOING “BEHIND-THE-BACK” TOWEL TRICK
By Justin Henry
San Diego, CA – Michael McGillicutty has found it difficult to live up to the lofty legacy of his Hall of Fame father, “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig.
Since McGillicutty set foot in WWE in the summer of 2010, he’s been unfairly compared to his predecessor. McGillicutty possesses not the golden flowing locks, the timing, the precision, or even the unsinkable liver that made Mr. Perfect a locker room icon.
Heck, McGillicutty doesn’t even have the ability to be “perfect”.
After a recent Monday Night Raw, wherein McGillicutty got 1/100th of the reaction that Hennig used to get, the WWE Tag Team Champion was determined to become his father, through sheer force.
“He started to practice that behind-the-back towel fling that Curt used to do,” explained WWE producer Arn Anderson, who knows his father going back over thirty years. “After about fifty attempts, the poor kid simply could not catch that terrycloth towel. What was really frustrating to him was when Drew McIntyre showed him proper form, and he did it on one try! And Drew can’t do anything right, except mumble in Swahili or whatever he speaks.”
McGillicutty kept on trucking, trying to catch that elusive, taunting towel, until tragedy struck.
“I thought he was finally going to do it, because he had that gleam in his eye,” said Anderson. “But that gleam wasn’t of light, but of cold, black death. Well, he didn’t die, but his shoulder pretty much did, as Michael overextended himself and we all heard that ‘pop’. Michael was half excited, because it’s the first pop he’s had in his entire career, but it was his labrum tearing. A chill went through the backstage area, and we just knew this poor kid was hurting.”
It’s unknown if McGillicutty will miss any time, but as he was whisked away by ambulance to the nearest “medical facility”, his colleagues recalled other issues McGillicutty has had being in his father’s shadow.
“One night, we were bowling after a show in Raleigh,” said Jack Swagger. I bowled two strikes in a row, and as the second ball was rolling, I knew it was right on target. So I turned and did the cheesy thumbs up and smile that his dad did in that classic video. Michael hadn’t had a strike all night, so now he was determined to get one, just so he could do that pose. He kept guttering them, and once the ball rolled down another lane and got stuck. Fortunately, Shane Helms was working that night, so he retrieved it for us.”
It appears that Curt Hennig’s legacy of “perfection” is too much for his son.
“I’ll say this: if you chew gum around him, just spit it in the trash when you’re done,” offered referee Jack Doan. “I spit it out and swatted it, Perfect-style, and he just shrieks “Why can everyone do it but me?!?!” before running off crying. It’s sad, really.”
McGillicutty is also apparently enamored with the video of his father catching his own 75 yard touchdown pass, and has spent weeks trying to find former Vikings tight end Steve Jordan to notorize his own attempt at an impossible deep throw.
“I tried telling the kid, “That was all trick photography”, but he won’t listen,” said Jordan, long since retired from the NFL. “Kid won’t stop calling me. He also asks if I have Felton Spencer’s number so he can play him one on one. Kid’s troubled.”
Meanwhile, WWE CEO Vince McMahon was unhappy to hear of his talent being injured on company time, and has already wished the towel well in its future endeavors.
KAMALA MOWS LAWN
By Justin Henry
Uganda – Alright, look. I have no intention of writing five hundred-plus words for a satire about an African American professional wrestler, known for playing a jungle savage despite being an American, mowing his lawn. There’s no way I can stretch an article to that length and keep it interesting.
The truth is, the other day, I, Justin Henry, was thinking about silly it would be to see Kamala do certain household tasks while in his “Kamala” garb. I thought it would be really, REALLY funny to see Kamala, as Kamala, mowing the lawn. Why, I tell you, I couldn’t stop laughing the minute I thought of it.
Between fits of laughter, I e-mailed my good friend, WrestleCrap foreman RD Reynolds, and told him I wanted to do an article about Kamala mowing the lawn. I did this because RD takes joy in creating photoshop images for my lead stories here on Headlies, and I knew that, with enough notice, he would do a graphic of freakin’ Kamala mowing the lawn.
The picture above is the fruit of his labor.
I got what I wanted, a picture of Kamala mowing the lawn. And you know something? It’s made me laugh harder than the visual I had of it in my head. Before, it was just an abstract idea, a cerebral blueprint as it were. Now, it’s on the internet for the world to see: Kamala mowing the lawn.
I don’t know what I take more pleasure in: the picture existing, or the fact that something so infantile that my mind conjured up became something that RD Reynolds, a man that has written THREE BOOKS, took time out of his busy life to make a picture of, for the humorous edification of his many regular readers. I’ll be on my deathbed one day recalling my many feats, and right up there with getting a college degree and winning soccer championships will be my getting RD to make such a silly picture.
Look at it! Look at the picture! Wouldn’t YOU be proud to have something so ridiculous and infantile displayed before thousands of readers?
Then again, maybe I’m the problem with this world, this mortal coil, that we weave about like rats within. Maybe RD and I could have done something much more productive, but no. My giddiness and my childish disposition have deemed it fit to have this be our weekly output. We could have done more, like call to an end to human genocide, or take time and feed the needy. Instead, here we are, waiting for feedback on a silly picture of a black man mowing the lawn.
I mean, I’m laughing at it, but there’s just more that we could have done.
Perhaps one day, this website will do something to enrich the minds of those who care to read the words and absorb the images. When that day comes, I will cast aside all labels of me being a goofy ninny with nothing better to do than convince an erstwhile hard-working family man to create pointless images like the one on display in this article.
But until that day comes, enjoy Kamala mowing the lawn. I know I am.