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Text
by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and
Sean Carless; Photoshoppery
by Sean Carless and
RD Reynolds
Follow Justin on Facebook here
and on Twitter here;
Check out Sean on Facebook here
and his website here
WIFE CONCERNED ABOUT HUSBAND'S OBSESSION WITH SHAWN MICHAELS/TRIPLE H FANFICTION
By RD Reynolds
Poughkeepsie, NY – Patti and Frank Newsome have been the epitome of a true American marriage. Together for fifteen years, the two have been united in a rather unique way: a love for professional wrestling.
"When I first met Frank, he seemed a bit embarassed to tell me that he was a fan (of pro wrestling)," noted Mrs. Newsome. "When I told him that I watched Raw every Monday night, he was so relieved. We've had a lot of fun not only watching it on TV, but going to shows as well. We loved it...until recently, that is."
A series of increasingly odd occurances have had Mrs. Newsome a bit concerned. "Ever since he got a new laptop for Christmas, Frank has been acting very strange," Mrs. Newsome said. "He seems very nervous when I am around; whenever I walk around him, he immediately either closes his laptop or switches to Outlook. I thought for sure he must be surfing the web for porn."
What Patti would soon discover was far more bizarre. "I waited until Frank went to work one day, and looked at the history on his Internet Explorer. There was no porn on there at all, but countless logins at a website called www.prowrestlingfictionforums.com. I didn't really pay much attention to it after that, as I saw he was mostly reading threads with titles like 'Shawn/Hunter' or 'TripleH/HBK'. When I saw that, I didn't even bother to read the threads, as D-X have always been his favorites. The one weird thing, though - on the threads, there was always a slash between their two names. I guess that's just how that forum does things."
Apparently, Frank was really enjoying what he was reading. Perhaps a bit too much, according to his wife. "I love wrestling, but I really can't read about it non-stop like Frank can. Last weekend, he literally was on his computer the entire weekend. I wanted to go to dinner, but he said he couldn't because he was right in the middle of reading something. When I asked if he'd like me to go to the Arby's drive-thru and get us something, he said that would be fantastic. I mean, he was really overjoyed I was going out. It was even stranger, though, because he asked me to go to the one 15 miles away instead of the one right around the block."
The most peculiar behavior, though, has taken place in their bedroom. "Frank was always a missionary man; we never deviated from that style of love making since we got together. Recently, though, he asked me to roll over so we could do it, uh, I guess they call it doggy style? That would have been odd enough, but then he kept yelling, 'oh Hunt! oh Hunt!' I was furious, and asked him who 'Hunt' was. I thought maybe it was Helen Hunt! But he said, 'I wasn't saying Hunt, I was saying 'Hun', like 'Honey'. I thought that was really sweet, so I forgave him."
Now Patti has a new concern: her hearing. "I really need to go have my ears check. I could have sworn there was a 't' sound at the end."
Archived Headlies:
MAN WHO BUYS DOLPH ZIGGLER’S TIGHTS OFF WWE AUCTION SITE “CANNOT FATHOM” INABILITY TO GET LAID
JEAN-PIERRE LAFITTE SHOOTS OTHER EYE OUT WITH RED RYDER BB GUN / VINCE MCMAHON ENROLLS DANIEL BRYAN IN JELLY-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB IN LIEU OF BONUS
WWE ADDS “FIVE MINUTE TIME LIMIT” TO RAW MATCHES TO “HEIGHTEN DRAMA”
WWE FORGES SOLIDARITY PACT WITH PENN STATE AND SYRACUSE VICTIMS, FIRES TERRY GARVIN’S CORPSE
WWE FINDS YOUNG FEMALE AUDIENCE’S INFATUATION WITH HAVING STRONG DIVA ROLE MODELS TO BE “ADORABLE” / MIDNIGHT ROSE TO MATT HARDY: "SHE WAS MINE BEFORE SHE WAS YOURS!" / CREEPY F—KING WEIRDO HOPES TO PURCHASE KAMALA’S AMPUTATED FOOT, ADD IT TO COLLECTION WITH KERRY VON ERICH’S FOOT PURCHASED AT BLACK MARKET AUCTION
CHARLIE HAAS EARNS MONEY AS “TECHNICALLY PRECISE, BUT CHARISMATICALLY BANKRUPT” BIRTHDAY PARTY CLOWN / WWE SUSPENDS TWITTER FOR THIRTY DAYS DUE TO WELLNESS POLICY VIOLATION
MICHAEL COLE’S HOUSE WILL HAVE PLENTY OF “TRICK OR TWEETERS” THIS YEAR / SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES IN WWE ’12 ASK USER, “ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULDN’T RATHER BE JOHN CENA?”
HULK HOGAN FINALLY CRUMPLES MOAMMAR GHADDAFI AFTER 26-YEAR SEARCH
TRIPLE H VS. BROOM MATCH RATED "DUD" BY DAVE MELTZER
WWE.COM POLL RATES YOSHI TATSU HIGHER THAN JUSHIN LIGER, GREAT MUTA IN GREATEST JAPANESE STARS RANKINGS / MAN FOLLOWS BATISTA INSIDE HIS PIT OF DANGER
EXECUTIVE BEHIND WWE NETWORK FAILS WELLNESS TEST / SHOCKER: TED DIBIASE’S REAL FATHER REVEALED AS KEN PATERA
KELLY KELLY EXCITED ABOUT MUPPETS COMING TO RAW, REUNITING WITH MOTHER JANICE / “SLATER OR GABRIEL?” BECOMES NEW “GINGER OR MARY ANN?” OF BACKSTAGE DEBATES
WWE BUYS RIGHTS TO FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH FRANCHISE, BEGINS WORK ON ‘JASON VS. CENA’ / COWBOY BOB ORTON RENEGES ON PRIOR REMARK TOWARD SON; NO LONGER REGRETS “NOT PULLING OUT”
DIXIE CARTER’S FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM BOASTS HAS-BEENS AND NEVER WERES APPROVED BY HULK HOGAN AND ERIC BISCHOFF / CM PUNK FANS FINALLY BUY INTO “CYCLICAL BUSINESS” AS REASON FOR LOW RAW RATINGS
MOAMMAR GADHAFI WILL STEP DOWN IF WWE LETS HIM HAVE RICARDO RODRIGUEZ / MAN AWAKENS FROM COMA AFTER 8 YEARS, CAN’T BELIEVE WWE ACTUALLY PUSHED RANDY ORTON
MICHAEL MCGILLICUTTY TEARS SHOULDER WHILE DOING “BEHIND-THE-BACK” TOWEL TRICK / KAMALA MOWS LAWN
EVAN BOURNE TAKES AJ TO SEE “SMURFS 3D”, RESISTS URGE TO HOLD HER HAND/ STAUNCH OLD-SCHOOL FAN TAPES SUMMERSLAM ON SUNDAY, WON’T WATCH IT TIL LAST MONDAY OF THE MONTH
MAN ACCUSED OF STALKING TAMINA ORDERED TO GET NEW PRESCRIPTION GLASSES / “CM PUNK’S CURRENT WWE TITLE REIGN IS THE GREATEST EVER!” ACCORDING TO INCLUSIVE POLL
HILARIOUS HEY DUDE EPISODE CAUSES JOSH MATHEWS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY WHILE RECORDING SMACKDOWN / FAN UPLOADS ENTIRE 1999 EPISODES OF WCW SATURDAY NIGHT, “DOESN’T MIND” CREEPY MESSAGES FROM OTHER FANS
RANDY ORTON ASKS TO BORROW “HEAT MACHINE” FOR USE IN DAILY LIFE / MATHEMATICIAN DEVELOPS “PWTORCH / TNA MATCH RATING SHORTCHANGE THEOREM”
DOCTOR THAT PERFORMED ROB CONWAY’S SEX CHANGE INTO EVE TORRES HONORED / MAN HACKS KURT ANGLE’S TWITTER TO POST REASONABLE, PLEASANT MESSAGES
IRS CASHES IN MONEY IN THE BANK BRIEFCASE FROM 1991, BEATS JOHN CENA FOR WWE TITLE / RUFUS DETWILER, MAN WHO PLAYED ‘ORIGINAL’ SCOTT STEINER, DEAD AT 46
JOHN CENA DECLARES POOP “NO LONGER FUNNY” AFTER COUSIN’S TYPHOID DEATH / MAN THROWS ANGELINA LOVE ACROSS YARD, PROMPTLY RETURNED BY DOG
DOLPH ZIGGLER TO TAKE NICKY’S PLACE DURING FORTHCOMING SPIRIT SQUAD REUNION / NEXT SEASON OF TOUGH ENOUGH TO SEARCH FOR NEXT BARELY USED ANNOUNCER
JEFF HARDY RETIRES FROM WRESTLING TO BECOME SANDWICH ARTIST / LANCE STORM CRITICIZES OWN REALITY SHOW ON HIS WEBSITE’S BLOG ROLL
JEFF JARRETT SAVED CHYNA FROM SPCA ONE HOUR BEFORE EUTHANIZATION / GENERATION ME FINISH CHORES, ARE ALLOWED TO STAY UP TO WATCH IMPACT MAIN EVENT / INDY PROMOTION TO RUN “SUPER BLOODY DEATH TOURNAMENT”, SEEKING REC CENTER TO HOST IT
JOHN CENA TO MENTOR SIN CARA, TEACH HIM HOW TO WRESTLE / RUMOR: VINCE MCMAHON HAVING AFFAIR WITH STAMFORD SUPERCUTS EMPLOYEE / DESTITUTE LEX LUGER SCRAPS STEEL FOREARM PLATE FOR CASH
EDGE HAS "NO PLANS” TO RETIRE FROM ADULTERY / REMINDER: APRIL 18 IS KANE’S “FACE TURN/HEEL TURN” CALENDAR DARTS NIGHT / TRIPLE H RETURNING NEW BLU-RAY PLAYER TO PAY FOR WRESTLEMANIA CHAIR SHOT FINE
VIRGIL HAPPY TO HAVE WRESTLEMANIA STREAK IN TACT / RARE 1989 “DISS TAPE” FOUND IN WWE PRODUCTION STUDIOS / BOBBY WASHWEY WOOKING TO WEALWIZE POTENTHIAL OUTHIDE WING
TNA TRADES JEFF HARDY TO REHAB FOR SCOTT WEILAND / HARDY TRADED BACK TO TNA, WHO WILL NOW HOLD LOCKDOWN IN LEGIT PRISON TO ACCOMMODATE HIS SENTENCE / TRIPLE H CONTEMPLATING BUYING BLU-RAY PLAYER WITH BOX OFFICE GROSS FROM "THE CHAPERONE"
HEIDENREICH EXCITED ABOUT JOINING ANIMAL FOR WWE HALL OF FAME INDUCTION / CODY RHODES TO ATTEMPT TO DUPLICATE HIS FATHER'S SUCCESS BY TALKING NON-STOP RHYMING GIBBERISH / PAUL ROMA "VASTLY UNDERRATED” CLAIMS PAUL ROMA
JOEY STYLES CELEBRATES THREE “REBELLIOUSLY EXTREME” YEARS RUNNING WWE.COM / JACK SWAGGER TAKES OUT OVERSIZED NOVELTY TEETH, PUNISHED FOR REVEALING NORMAL SMILE / COLT CABANA PROVES THAT JUST ABOUT ANYBODY CAN BE NWA CHAMPION
REPO
MAN TO STEAL ALBERTO DEL RIO’S CARS UNTIL PAYMENTS ARE MADE / RODERICK
STRONG “CAN’T WAIT” TO BECOME FORGOTTEN WWE
MIDCARDER
/ TNA
SIGNS AL WILSON JUST TO PROVE WWE ARE FRAUDS
THE HARDCORE FANS DEMANDED IT: KEVIN THORN, BIG DADDY V TO HEADLINE NEXT ECW REUNION SHOW / WWE RUMORED TO BE BUILDING DEATH STAR / VETERANS WORRY THAT IMPRESSIONABLE EVAN BOURNE MIGHT HAVE JOINED A GANG
JACK TUNNEY FAKED DEATH, WILL BE REVEALED AS ANONYMOUS RAW GM / SON OF TNA’S ABYSS “BLADES” DURING SCHOOL PLAY TO KEEP CROWD INTERESTED / AREA HOTTIES TO ATTEND NWA FANFEST, MESS WITH HOPELESS VIRGINS
SENILE KEN PATERA, GRIMACE HAVE ‘UNEASY’ TRUCE AT CONVENTION / RIC FLAIR TO BUY OUT TNA CONTRACT BY SELLING KIDNEY / MARK HENRY, LONG-LOST SON REUNITE
US HERO WITH GOLDEN TRUNKS BECOMES HOMELESS MAN / DIXIE CARTER “SURPRISED” TO FIND TNA DVDS IN FYE BARGAIN BIN / TUPAC-BIGGIE FEUD BEGAN OVER STAR RATING DISAGREEMENT
Headlies Contributors
Justin Henry is a writer by day, and a writer by night, so at least he has some level of continuity. He enjoys writing commentaries and satire, so that he can make fun of people who make more money than he does. His work has been read and/or glossed over at TheWrestlingFan.com, CamelClutchBlog.com, WrestlingNewsSource.com, WorldWrestlingInsanity.com, and now WrestleCrap.com. He also once met Sonjay Dutt at a flea market.
Catherine
Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department,
which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs
out. She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing
something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized
in a song that was made popular four years before her birth. Catherine
enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing,
and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot
J.R.
Sean Carless
is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing
bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com,
Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
