WWE2K14 Presents: 30 Years of WrestleCrap, Part III!

19 Submitted by on Fri, 08 November 2013, 12:24

Previous installments
Part I (I-X)
Part II (XI-XX)

WRESTLEMANIA XXI

-Looser Than a Louisiana Ring Rat Challenge: Rey Mysterio’s mask was designed for somebody with a cranium three sizes larger than his. This was apparent when he had to slow down several times during his opener with Eddie Guerrero to adjust his trademark hood. The halts ruined what could have been an epic showdown. As Eddie, find a staple gun at ringside and, using only the subtlety that Eddie possesses, sneak in some quick clips to the head of Rey-Rey, in order to keep the mask in place. Sure, it’ll hurt like a son-of-a-Gagne, but the workrate freaks who herald your Halloween Havoc 1997 match as a masterpiece will be glad you did.

-Feeling Like an Ass Challenge: Act like booking sumo icon Akebono in a sumo match with Big Show was a great use of money. You don’t unlock anything by doing so, but Kevin Dunn will immediately hire you to either work in public relations, or to give the quarterly stock report.

rey

WRESTLEMANIA XXII

-Beat a Dead Guerrero Challenge: As JBL, do the Eddie Guerrero shoulder-shimmy taunt at least eight times during your match with Chris Benoit, in order to draw heel heat. This is much more effective than actually having a storyline.

-Beat a Dead Guerrero Part II Challenge: As Rey Mysterio, win the World Title in anticlimatic fashion from Kurt Angle in a triple threat match. Dedicate the win, as well as your Rumble win, your children’s report cards, the purchase of your wife’s edible undies, the fact that the moon is full, and your discovery of 4chan to Eddie’s memory. Don’t leave any of these acknowledged blessings out; the people might not think you cared about Eddie enough.

WRESTLEMANIA XXIII

-Baby Cam Challenge: In one of the more quizzical moments of the event’s 23rd incarnation, Vince McMahon spoke to his granddaughter Aurora while she lay in her stroller. We know this, because a camera gave us an Aurora’s-Eye View of Vince while he mocked Donald Trump. Using ‘Baby Cam’, parade through the backstage area and see what you can pick up with this hidden recording device. If you catch Ric Flair weeping over having to work a dark match and/or accidentally killing a top-shelf escort by chopping her so hard that she fell out of the hotel room window, you unlock a new venue: the pawn shop his Hall of Fame ring once resided in.

-A Human Tundra in Tights Challenge: As Vince McMahon, find somebody more apathetic, uninterested, and oblivious to the importance of a marquee WrestleMania match than Bobby Lashley. Put that cookie crumb down; people are at least interested in cookies.

WRESTLEMANIA XXIV

-He Makes Faces Alone Challenge: As Batista, make as comical a grimace as you can when Umaga hits you with the Samoan Spike. Grabbing your neck in pain before you fall also works, as it makes people think you were hit with a blow dart. Yelling something like “OUCH. MY NECK.” will unlock Lex Luger, the Babe Ruth of Overselling.

-Boxers are More Credible than Sumo Wrestlers Challenge: As Big Show, lose to Floyd Mayweather, and continue your run of WrestleMania humiliations. As a bonus, you can also job to Burger King’s Herb if you’ve unlocked him already.

santina

WRESTLEMANIA XXV

-To No One’s Delight Challenge: As Santino Marella, win a pointless Divas Battle Royal while dressed in drag, while claiming to be Santino’s sister Santina. Then go shower with your clothes on for an hour, because you’re helping WWE perpetuate their lowest common denominator form of alleged comedy. Shame on you.

-If It’s Not Scottish, It Hits Its Mark Challenge: As Rowdy Roddy Piper, attempt a dropkick at age 54. Remember when critics said nothing could be uglier than Hell Comes to Frogtown? This is your chance to prove them wrong.

WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

-Slapfest Challenge: As either Cody Rhodes or Ted Dibiase, engage the other in the worst ringside brawl known to man. Any sign of coordination automatically restarts the challenge, so make sure you’re extra pathetic. Picture Foster Brooks playing Dance Dance Revolution. That’s how uncoordinated it needs to look.

-Sunglasses at Night Challenge: As Bruce Hart, insist on wearing your Bad Company sunglasses to referee the street fight between Vince McMahon and brother Bret. During the match, whisper job requests to Vince, insisting that you still have one great run in you. If you don’t get your way, give everyone a low blow, which was a Stampede staple from 1981 until the dying days. Ten ball-shots unlocks Karachi Vice and the Viet Cong Express, which practically doubles the number of legit teams WWE had in 2010.

WRESTLEMANIA XXVII

-What the Shoehorning is Cooking Challenge: As The Rock, cut a 15 minute promo to open the biggest event of the year, in order to justify the gratuitous check Vince cut you for showing up. Talk about anything, from poontang to whooping candy asses to March Madness to the mating habits of South American foal. Don’t worry about making Daniel Bryan’s WrestleMania weekend a total wash. Anything you can do, the company can do better, given a year.

-Ruin a Good Thing Challenge: Michael Cole actually caught on as an effective heel, and his feud with Jerry Lawler had potential to lead to a fun, overbooked schmozz at WrestleMania. During the entire ordeal, which including entrances and post-match activity encompasses thirty minutes, don’t do anything that would be construed as exciting or memorable. Instead, work Lawler’s leg for approximately an hour. You hear those boos? CM Punk WISHES he could have gotten that kinda heat in 2012.

WRESTLEMANIA XXVIII

-18 Seconds Challenge: As Sheamus, beat Daniel Bryan in 18 seconds to become World Heavyweight Champion. For those of you saying, “That’s not Crap; it ELEVATED Bryan!”, were you among the crowd that watched Bryan fail to leave four straight PPVs as WWE Champion this summer and fall, and then was shunted down to feud with Deliverance Dynasty while Big Show usurped his “YES” chants? Might want some picante sauce to kick up that crow yer munchin’.

-Spinebusters Are Lethal Challenge: As Shawn Michaels, with a straight face, try and stop the Hell in a Cell match (and thus end Undertaker’s streak) after Triple H lands three spinebusters on a man who survived being buried alive (twice), incinerated in a casket (twice), levitating to the Heavens after his urn was opened, numerous bloody wrestling matches, and a 2010 pyro accident. Because when Triple H hits a spinebuster, call the f–king coroner, man. Stretching the bounds of credibility in this fashion unlocks Vince Russo.

hhhbrock

WRESTLEMANIA XXIX

-Shawn on Speed Dial Challenge: You’re Triple H and, uh oh, you have to wrestle a 20+ minute match! Do you what you always do post-2011 when your opponent isn’t a spry youngster: convince Shawn Michaels to either be the referee, or your cornerman, so that he can take all of the bumps while you suck wind after landing your purported Harley Race knee. Thus unlocks Paul Heyman, who always had a knack for disguising the glaring weaknesses of his workers.

-Fake is the New Reality Challenge: As Vince and/or Kevin Dunn, inform the participants of the eight person tag that the match is cancelled, owing to time constraints. Make sure to have cameras on the female participants, who are all conveniently slotted to star in a WWE reality series on E! beginning in July. When the Divas start crying, film every second. If there’s an audience that will buy into anything, and thus become a mine-worthy segment of monetary exploitation, it’s women who aspire to be as glamorous and respectable as the skanks that populate “Real Housewives Of”-style shows.

(Follow Justin on Twitter, and send him some feedback!)

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
19 Responses to "WWE2K14 Presents: 30 Years of WrestleCrap, Part III!"
  1. Horsemen4ever says:

    Who is this “Chris Benoit” you mention at WM XXII?

    • ScMcS says:

      Maybe he meant Crispin Glover?

    • Raven7309 says:

      He’s the same person who, when WWE puts out a compilation dvd of a specific match type: War Games and Money in the Bank, is allowed to be shown competing in said match, but his entrance isn’t allowed to be shown. Nor are we allowed to hear any commentary that mentions him, even if that means cutting off the commentators mid-sentence.
      A.K.A.: “Mr. Anonymous.”

  2. John says:

    WrestleMania 30 Challenge: Try and convince PPV audience how The Undertaker vs CEM (Chief Executive Monster) Kane will be fresh since it will be The Streak vs The Tie.

  3. Kev says:

    Wrestlemania 21: As a drunk Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead, try not to mangle the lyrics of “The Game” as you perform during Triple-H’s entrance.

  4. Rose Harmon says:

    Crispin Wah?

  5. Sycho Sid Caesar says:

    Is it bad that (at age 30) I completely understood the Foster Brooks reference from WMXXVI (and loved it!!!)?

  6. Jay "The Brain" Mann says:

    Aww, I liked Santina. :/ (NOT IN THAT WAY)

    Great series of articles, regardless. I’d love to play the Ring Cart Race. Put that in 2K15, Yuke’s!

  7. Down With OPC says:

    WrestleMania XXVII Dangerous Challenge: While playing as Edge, destroy Alberto Del Rio’s Rolls Royce. If doing this reminds anyoneof the Black or White music video, you will unlock Zombie Michael Jackson.

  8. Raven7309 says:

    Wrestlemania 27 challenge: Obscure 5-star match: Your choice: either Randy Orton vs. CM Punk or Cody Rhodes vs. Rey Mysterio. Put on a match that will get Vinnie Mac to sit up and take notice and make him realise how much of a mistake he made in having the Rock host Wrestlemania and what a colossal waste of time and money it was.
    Reward: Unlocks a re-editing of the dvd making either match the main event instead of Cena vs. Miz.

  9. Kev says:

    Here’s another. Wrestlemania 29 challenge; As a member of the WWE’s target demographic in attendance at MetLife Stadium, during Living Colour’s rendition of “Cult of Personality” as CM Punk’s entrance for his match against the Undertaker, turn to your much older brother and ask him who the hell Living Colour is. Success will unlock more John Cena crap, because WWE2K4 doesn’t have nearly enough unlockable John Cena crap as it is.

  10. Third String Point Guard says:

    Loved the Bruce Hart reference. Currently re-reading Bret Hart’s autobiography and that really hit home, as I just finished the part where Bruce’s booking of Stampede Wrestling is described as mostly ball shots and unnecessary blood.

    I would’ve wanted Jason the Terrible (Karl Moffat) unlocked for an eleventh ball shot. And The Zodiac (Barry O/Barry Orton) for a twelfth!

    • Dave says:

      As a born-and-raised Calgarian, I approve of all the Stampede references, both in this comment and in the article (Viet Cong Express FTW!!!) :)

  11. Hunter says:

    Daniel Bryan left Night of Champions as WWE Champion. He had it taken away on Raw. But yeah, main eventing four pay-per-views in a row, including the second biggest show of the year, is a total burial.

    • Justin Henry says:

      so, did you like any of the other jokes, or did you come here just to be, ‘that guy’? :-)

      • Hunter says:

        Oh don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved this series. I just like to try to keep a positive outlook on things until it’s no longer possible to do so, kind of in line with RD’s rule about not inducting things until a year after they’re finished. I honestly think WWE is better right now than it has been in 6 or 7 years.

  12. Sherry says:

    These Wrestlemania challenges are great! I have some ideas of my own. XD

    -WM XII: Hollywood Backlot Brawl: As Rowdy Roddy Piper, you chase down Goldust in an OJ Simpson style car chase. You win the match by stripping the Bizarre one to reveal he was wearing women’s undies.

    -WM XXIV: Bunnymania Dark Match: You play as the Playboy bimbo of 2008, Maria. You and your BFF Ashley try to wrestle Melina and Beth Phoenix during a blackout. If you get Snoop Dogg to kiss Maria, you get to unlock the D O double Gizzle fo’ shizzle, yo! If you get Snoop Dogg to clothesline Santino, you unlock his pimp throne he was sitting in during the match as well.

    -WM XXV: BawitaBAD Challenge: As a segway to the To No One’s Delight Challenge, you play as Kid Rock to remind the fans that they have actually paid their well earned money to see this stinky performance. The more Divas awkwardly grind up against you, the more you have a better chance of winning this challenge.

    -As you win the Beat a Dead Guerrero Part II Challenge as Rey, you unlock Dominic.

    -WM XXVII: Jersey Shore Challenge: You play as John Morrison as he helps his favorite Jersey Girl, Snooki win a match against those nasty “grenades” Lay-Cool and Dolph Ziggler. If you gave Trish Stratus the cold shoulder during your victory, you unlock a nagging, grouchy Melina. If you win the match, you unlock Snooki’s hair bump style to be available to use in Create a Wrestler. With the hair bump, fans can now create former TNA Knockout Cookie.

    -WM XXVI: 10 Diva Clusterf*ck Challenge: Your mission is to get all the Divas to perform their finishers in less than 3 minutes. There is a special unlockable bonus game (which was rumored to be the best and most anticipated side game in all of WWE games) if you win the match as Vickie with the most terrible frog splash in the history of frog splashes.
    The game is called the “Queen Cougar” challenge, which is similar to the Undertaker’s Streak Challenge. While playing Vickie, you get to relive all the Eddie exploits, love affairs, love triangles, terrible promos, temper tantrums, multiple firings, obvious cue card readings, and fat jokes throughout her “glamorous” career. With your Queen Cougar microphone (sold separately), there are two main challenges. One is to screech, squeal, and cackle during all of Vickie’s main squeeze’s matches. The other is that you have to cut promos with the most obnoxious, stilted, screeching voice. Make sure you excuse yourself a lot and emphasize the wrong words for extra points. Your performance is rated on how many fans boo you, mute their TVs, change the channel, go deaf, and/or have to run to the aspirin bottle. During the Brickie Era, all you do is slap Brad Maddox around while you try to figure out if you are a face or heel. You get to unlock Maddox if you were successful in making him your bitch.

    -Those who own an XBox Kinect will have the most benefits because WWE 2K14 has two unlockable games made specifically for the Kinect.
    -If you win the 18 Seconds Challenge, you unlock the “The Many Loves of AJ Lee” game. You get to relive all of AJ’s romances from Primo to Ziggler by skipping in front of your Kinect device.
    -If you win all of the WM 29 challenges, you unlock the “Night After WM 29″ bonus game. All you have to do is point your fingers up and down while singing along to Fandango’s theme song with all the “Da, das” throughout the March 8, 2013 edition of RAW.

    -If you managed to beat ALL of the WM challenges including all the extra bonus games, HHH (dressed in his corporate suite and tie) appears on your screen congratulating you for beating WWE 2K14. Then he virtually gives you, the player, the Pedigree and calls you a solid B+. This is done through your perspective. After that, you receive the “Best for Business” trophy/achievement.

    Hope I didn’t go overboard. Heh. XD

  13. Nick says:

    Wrestlemania XXIV- What Goes Around Comes Around Challenge: As Chavo Guerrero, charge like an enraged bull towards Kane and lose within ten seconds. Doing this unlocks the bull suit used when jobbing to Hornswoggle for the 137th time next year.

leave a comment