WWE2K14 Presents: 30 Years of WrestleCrap, Part II!

25 Submitted by on Wed, 06 November 2013, 13:59

Missed Part I? Check it out rightchere!

WRESTLEMANIA XI

-Checkmate, Plebian Challenge: As Mr. Bob Backlund, play Jonathan Taylor Thomas in a game of chess before your anticlimatic I Quit match with Bret Hart. Remind yourself that, other than a series of four star matches involving Hart and Shawn Michaels, and the debut of Goldust, this is as compelling as WWE is going to be in 1995.

-The Phantom of Muskogee Challenge: You’re on the lighting crew. At this time, Jim Ross was slightly disfigured from his 1994 bout with Bell’s palsy, and lost his job as a result. Ross would later return, and wound up giving post-match interviews for this event. Under stern orders from Vince McMahon, when Ross goes to chat up winners and losers in the aisleway, make sure that only the most shadowy of lights washes over Good Ol’ JR, mostly obscuring him in darkness, so that the home audience isn’t horrified by his mug. Doing this will unlock Michael Cole. Also, the player is to be advised that there are no refunds on this game.

hucknach

WRESTLEMANIA XII

-Nostalgia is Running Mild Challenge: Play out the Huckster vs. Nacho Man pre-show match, in which both men die of heart attacks. Because they’re old and worthless, get it?! This will only seem hilarious six years from now, when one of the men parodized here became WWE Champion at age 48.

-You Ruined My Experience Challenge: As Triple H, spin-doctor the fact that you were a twiggy midcarder that was tasked to put over a returning Ultimate Warrior in 90 seconds. Claim that Warrior is a Douche-Twizzler who acted unprofessionally, and ruined your first WrestleMania match, presumably by no-selling the Pedigree. For a bonus mission, get the company on good terms with Warrior in 2013, in an attempt to fulfill the long-shot goal of luring him back into the ring to put you over, just so you can get the ‘job’ back. (See D-Lo Brown, 2002).

WRESTLEMANIA XIII

-Reunited with My Smile Challenge: As Shawn Michaels, skip, hop, jump, gallop, skedaddle, soft-shoe, and just out-and-out make it clear as possible that your horrifically-injured knee (which is a potential career ender) isn’t going to keep you down as you walk the aisle to commentate on the main event. As a side-mission, shoehorn as many accurate insults about yourself into commentary, only substitute your name with “Bret Hart.”

-Gravy Legs Challenge: As The Undertaker, take strategically-timed breaths of fresh air during your World Title match with Psycho Sid, to help from wretching at the scent of your “shart-dressed” opponent. So the urban legend goes, anyway.

WRESTLEMANIA XIV

-Star-Mangled Banner Challenge: As Chris Warren of the DX Band, sing “America the Beautiful” in a way that sounds you’re scratching on a hypodermic needle on a chalkboard. It doesn’t have to be 100% accurate to pass this challenge, as the only way to be precisely on point with Warren’s crooning is with the use of opioid analgesics. We cannot ethically endorse this.

-Do the Right Thing Challenge: Carrot Top was originally slated to be a guest at the event, purportedly to be revealed as Sable’s stalker before the angle was dropped. Cancel his airline ticket to win the admiration of your co-workers and subordinates.

bosshang

WRESTLEMANIA XV

-You’d Best Unf–k Yourself Challenge: Man, did Vince Russo wreck this show or what? Switching around Billy Gunn and Road Dogg just for the sake of it? Having Test and D-Lo Brown team without a follow-up angle? Having Chyna turn twice? Putting Tori anywhere near a ring? For this challenge, you have 45 seconds to come up with a better show than what Vinnie Ru assembled. Average time needed to complete the goal: eleven seconds.

-3D Hangman Challenge: As Michael Cole, watch in horror as The Undertaker and The Brood hang the Big Bossman from the rafters. Feign repulsion as Bossman stops kicking his legs, and his eyes roll back to symbolize death overtaking his body. After a five second pause, in your best company pitchman voice, forget that you just watched a gruesome lynching, and merrily hype up the main event with Stone Cold vs. The Rock. Fans who act like Cole’s dumbassery is only a recent occurrence haven’t watched long enough.

WRESTLEMANIA 2000

-Grab Yo Bitches Challenge: When Vince or Stephanie McMahon is accepting some vapid award that acknowledges what a charitable, family-friendly, progressive company WWE is, run up to the podium with some video-playing mobile device (preferably something with a big enough screen) and play Ice-T’s appearance from this event (holding it over your head like John Cusack in Say Anything would be a nice touch), in which he raps about ‘hoes’ and ‘bitches’. Then run out of the room chortling. This has nothing to do with the video game, by the way, but it sounds like a riot.

-Apathy is Hardcore Challenge: You’re anyone that participated in the 13-man Hardcore Title chase. Your objective is to stand at ringside for 15 minutes swinging weapons, and never once actively chasing the champion. Because who needs a midcard title when you can instead wallop Headbanger Thrasher with a Cuisinart?

WRESTLEMANIA X7

-Dead Wood Challenge: As Chyna, lay perfectly still and refuse to sell any of Ivory’s stomps, kicks, or punches. Because she’s a woman, and Chyna won’t sell for women as she’s a….errr….well, her genitals in that X-Pac sex tape were considerably ‘vague.’ Blade Braxton deserves our unwavering respect for reviewing that tripe.

-Gimmick Battle Royal Challenge: Simply play the match with whatever character you like. Is it any coincidence that a match featuring the Gobbeldy Gooker, Duke the Dumpster Droese, Repo Man, and Tugboat took place on WrestleCrap’s first birthday? We think not.

WRESTLEMANIA X8

-Keep Whipping This Bottle of Glue with This 2X4 Challenge: Play through an entire show’s worth of backstage Hardcore Title changes and chases, two years after the idea was last novel. As a bonus, the golf cart that Al Snow used to drive through a pile of random boxes can be used to drive Triple H to the ring when you get to WrestleMania XLVIII, when he’s 62 and going over on daughter Aurora Levesque in a match where the company is at stake. Now he spews Metamucil from the apron.

-For the Dogs Challenge: As Chris Jericho, walk Lucy, the Helmsley’s dog, around the parking garage until your heat meter reaches ‘zero’. Then run it over with a limousine, because there’s a $45 PPV to sell.

miller

WRESTLEMANIA XIX

-Tastes Great, Less Midcard Filler Challenge: As one of the Miller Lite Catfight Girls, strip down to your bra and kind of/sort of hit the other with a pillow. Bonus points if you can find Kane, Rob Van Dam, Lance Storm, or Sean Morley before this challenge and remind them that you have no idea who they are.

-Crappy Endings Challenge: Using Triple H, keep Booker T from getting any hopeful offense in your World Title bout, despite using hints of racist rhetoric against him for weeks before the match. If you can pin Booker more than 45 seconds after you’ve Pedigreed him, you’ll unlock 2003 Christian, Three Minute Warning, and other midcarders that Booker can wrestle going forward. See, when Hunter said, “your people”, that wasn’t an epithet. He clearly meant jobbers-to-the-stars.

WRESTLEMANIA XX

-Stall For All Challenge: Playing the Goldberg/Brock Lesnar match on the actual WWE2K14 game felt wrong. Lesnar (the computer opponent) went off script, and actually tried to wrestle me (Goldberg) at a *gasp* standard pace! To correct this error, lock up with Lesnar three times and then break cleanly no sooner than 45 seconds later. A wave of boos, and being hit in the head with an errant Mountain Dew cup, are indicators that you’ve done it correctly. Passing this test unlocks Brock Lesnar’s Minnesota Vikings practice squad jersey.

-I’ll Show You Hunter, You’ll See Challenge: As “The King of Swing” Stevie Richards, beat Triple H and Shawn Michaels in a triple threat match to become World Heavyweight Champion. No special modifiers here, just act it out the way it happened in 2004.

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Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
25 Responses to "WWE2K14 Presents: 30 Years of WrestleCrap, Part II!"
  1. Eddie Mac says:

    Nostalgia is Running Mild Challenge: Play out the Huckster vs. Nacho Man pre-show match, in which both men die of heart attacks. Because they’re old and worthless, get it?! This will only seem hilarious six years from now, when one of the men parodized here became WWE Champion at age 48.

    And in a cruel bit of irony, the other actually died of a heart attack a decade after that.

  2. Sean O says:

    As “The King of Swing” Stevie Richards, beat Triple H and Shawn Michaels in a triple threat match to become World Heavyweight Champion. No special modifiers here, just act it out the way it happened in 2004.

    Now I want Vince to replace Benoit with Richards in everything! Also, here’s my ideas for the rest

    21: Sumo Challenge
    22: Walk the Freakshow Aisle-Play as Booker T and try to avoid eye contact with freaks such as Eugene, Foot licker Snitsky, and Mae Young before you match with the Boogeyman. Unlocks Oprahdust.
    23: Can’t think of anything…
    XXIV: interview Ric Flair without messing up challenge (play as Adamle, unlocks Adamle), Bury Chavo Challenge
    25: Miss Wrestlemania Battle Royale, Rourke’s Punch-Out!
    XXVI: Hog Splash challenge,
    XXVII: Cole vs Lawler, Bryan vs Sheamus in a “dark” match
    XXVIII: Ruin the opening match challenge, Mama Clay and the Bridge Club Dance off.
    NY/NJ: Again, anything could happen.
    XXX: Figure out what the fuck you’re doing for the show challenge

  3. PlanBFromOuterSpace says:

    There really is no better gag than plugging Stevie Richards into storylines involving people on Vince’s bad side and/or murderers. Has it ever been talked about by Richards himself?

    Also, I haven’t watched TNA in a month, so I may be like 15 twists and turns behind on the AJ Styles saga, but I really think that he and Stevie Richards should have an Extreme Rising title vs. TNA title match over a game of Madden ’14. That would get ALL the buys!

    • Autrach Sejanoz says:

      Stevie’s aware of it, and he doesn’t mind.

      • PlanBFromOuterSpace says:

        Oh, I’m sure he didn’t mind, but I was curious as to if he had any insight as to why HE got plugged into Big Show’s storylines in “No Mercy” and not someone else, though I’m having a difficult time remembering what some of the other storylines were on the game. He may have just been the highest-profile unused character or something.

      • James says:

        I still feel guilty about it, as I met him a month or two ago and he was totally cool. Why associate him with a murderer?

        • Justin Henry says:

          it’s a running gag: Richards replaces the ‘erased’, and Richards being inserted into Benoit’s place has been a long standing gag. Has nothing to do with Stevie as a person. Hell, I’ve had my photo taken with him, and he did an interview with me for this very site. A very nice man.

  4. Arriba McIntyre says:

    Stall For All Challenge: To be perfect honest, when 2K announced that the WrestleMania mode was to “recreate the history of WrestleMania and not revise it at all”, then announced that was one of the matches they included, I assumed the Stall For All was exactly what was going to happen.

  5. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    I don’t even play video games, and I’d buy a system just to be able to play this one! Can’t wait for Part III!

  6. Adam Cota says:

    lol the Grab Yo Bitches Challenge…

  7. Sir Thomas says:

    I’m surprised one of the challenges in Wrestlemania20 wasn’t to spindoctor the piss out of history and get people to believe Kane-Taker 2 was the real main event. But hey, Stevie Richards. I’ll take it!

  8. Raven7309 says:

    Regarding the “Phantom from Muskogee” challenge, I realise that Justin’s spoofing each WM, but is this true? Did Vinnie Mac deliberately obscure JR with dim lighting and other tricks because of his Bell’s Palsy? Because if so, that’s the lowest of the low. It’s a wonder how Vince allowed JR to be allowed on tv afterwards.

    • Justin Henry says:

      I’m not sure how true it is, but it was a theory I’ve developed. In parts when Ross is clearly seen, his face looks worse than it would over time, with heavily sagging flesh. It’s possible that JR may have been self-conscious himself, and felt safe contributing in a place where he couldn’t be made fun of or be embarrassed, but knowing Vince’s vanity, my theory may not be far off.

  9. Hashington says:

    Dont forget Cole spoling wm15′s main event by promising an interview with the “new” world champion.

  10. drunkenmaster says:

    With regards to the D-lo Brown and Psycho Sid references, can anyone fill me up about these?

    • Raven7309 says:

      Don’t know abour D-Lo, but in Sid’s case, apparently he crapped his tights during his title match against Undertaker. Just think about Taker lifting Sid up into the tombstone with that stench wafting into his nostrils. :O
      Now we know Taker sticks his tongue out after each match. He’s trying to get the taste of his opponent’scrotch out of his mouth. :-P

      • Justin Henry says:

        The D-Lo one refers to when he beat HHH for the European title in 1998. Although the Nation interfered, and it was merely a way for Hunter to shed a midcard title en route to elevating himself, he never got his ‘return job’ over Brown. In 2002, HHH, as World Champion, beat an emaciated midcarder in D-Lo on Raw Roulette night, despite D-Lo having no reason to face the champion. This led to the theory that Hunter waited four years, but pettily got the return job.

        To wit, imagine if WWE brought Orlando Jordan back in 2009, just to lose to Cena (whom he beat for the US Title in 2005, with interference).

  11. CBCB says:

    Oh man, these are hilarious! Great job! Another one for WrestleMania XIII could be the “I Did It… For the Persians Challenge”. As “Blue Chipper” Intercontinental Champion Rocky Maivia, you must discover why your cousin is pretending to be an Arabian mute. Solving the mystery unlocks the car that is used a couple of years later to run over Stone Cold Steve Austin.

  12. Down With OPC says:

    WrestleMania XI should also include the “Microphone Challenge”, where you struggle to give backstage interviews due to faulty audio. If you go an entire interview without managing to say anything, you will unlock Todd Pettengill’s mullet.

    WrestleMania X8 can have the “No More Tears Challenge”, where Edge is backstage with the Japanese shampoo from the commercial he is in, cleaning out Christian’s hair after his European Title match loss. Successfully wash, rinse, and repeat on Christian without him throwing another temper tantrum, will unlock DDP’s Pink Cadillac he drove for Honky Tonk Man at WrestleMania VI. The Cadillac can then be used in the Ring Cart Race from WrestleMania III, or as a replacement to Del Rio’s Rolls Royce at WM XXVII (which itself can be unlocked for the Ring Cart Race…this is turning into Crush Hour 2!).

  13. s1mon86 says:

    for Wrestlemania XIV you could have the ‘That’s Pete Rose!’ challenge. Where you play as Pete Rose and you have to come up with the most stereotypical insults about Boston and get in as many Red Sox jabs you can in the time allowed. If you achieve this feat you unlock the San Diego Chicken costume and the infamous Green Kane costume (cause he was in DX right?!)

  14. John says:

    For another WrestleMania 19 challenge very quickly try to book Nathan Jones into a program with anyone before he quits the company.

  15. TastelessOne says:

    Steven Richards wasn’t in that match, it was Daniel Bryan!

  16. Third String Point Guard says:

    What? You mean I don’t get to play as LT in the 1994 NFL season? (Objective – make a one-game comeback for the Giants and blow out your knee while doing so to prevent yourself from attending the 1995 Royal Rumble, thus preventing the LT vs Bam Bam main event at WrestleMania XI from ever happening. Then again, that would prevent a true Wrestlecraptacular match from happening, so good call with the Backlund vs JTT chess match and the Phantom of Muskogee.)

  17. jimmy bo jimmy says:

    Hey Justin, correct me if I’m wrong here, but is the Stevie Richards replacement a reference to N64 No Mercy in which the story mode had Stevie Richards in place of the Big Show for the Royal Rumble angle and four corners Wrestlemania match? If I’m correct, awesome idea/reference! If I’m not and it’s just one big coincidence, I apologize in advance.

  18. English-B says:

    WM 20 White-wash Challenge – Play as Vince McMahon and pretend like Chris Benoit never existed.

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