Missed Part I? Check it out rightchere!
-Checkmate, Plebian Challenge: As Mr. Bob Backlund, play Jonathan Taylor Thomas in a game of chess before your anticlimatic I Quit match with Bret Hart. Remind yourself that, other than a series of four star matches involving Hart and Shawn Michaels, and the debut of Goldust, this is as compelling as WWE is going to be in 1995.
-The Phantom of Muskogee Challenge: You’re on the lighting crew. At this time, Jim Ross was slightly disfigured from his 1994 bout with Bell’s palsy, and lost his job as a result. Ross would later return, and wound up giving post-match interviews for this event. Under stern orders from Vince McMahon, when Ross goes to chat up winners and losers in the aisleway, make sure that only the most shadowy of lights washes over Good Ol’ JR, mostly obscuring him in darkness, so that the home audience isn’t horrified by his mug. Doing this will unlock Michael Cole. Also, the player is to be advised that there are no refunds on this game.
-Nostalgia is Running Mild Challenge: Play out the Huckster vs. Nacho Man pre-show match, in which both men die of heart attacks. Because they’re old and worthless, get it?! This will only seem hilarious six years from now, when one of the men parodized here became WWE Champion at age 48.
-You Ruined My Experience Challenge: As Triple H, spin-doctor the fact that you were a twiggy midcarder that was tasked to put over a returning Ultimate Warrior in 90 seconds. Claim that Warrior is a Douche-Twizzler who acted unprofessionally, and ruined your first WrestleMania match, presumably by no-selling the Pedigree. For a bonus mission, get the company on good terms with Warrior in 2013, in an attempt to fulfill the long-shot goal of luring him back into the ring to put you over, just so you can get the ‘job’ back. (See D-Lo Brown, 2002).
-Reunited with My Smile Challenge: As Shawn Michaels, skip, hop, jump, gallop, skedaddle, soft-shoe, and just out-and-out make it clear as possible that your horrifically-injured knee (which is a potential career ender) isn’t going to keep you down as you walk the aisle to commentate on the main event. As a side-mission, shoehorn as many accurate insults about yourself into commentary, only substitute your name with “Bret Hart.”
-Gravy Legs Challenge: As The Undertaker, take strategically-timed breaths of fresh air during your World Title match with Psycho Sid, to help from wretching at the scent of your “shart-dressed” opponent. So the urban legend goes, anyway.
-Star-Mangled Banner Challenge: As Chris Warren of the DX Band, sing “America the Beautiful” in a way that sounds you’re scratching on a hypodermic needle on a chalkboard. It doesn’t have to be 100% accurate to pass this challenge, as the only way to be precisely on point with Warren’s crooning is with the use of opioid analgesics. We cannot ethically endorse this.
-Do the Right Thing Challenge: Carrot Top was originally slated to be a guest at the event, purportedly to be revealed as Sable’s stalker before the angle was dropped. Cancel his airline ticket to win the admiration of your co-workers and subordinates.
-You’d Best Unf–k Yourself Challenge: Man, did Vince Russo wreck this show or what? Switching around Billy Gunn and Road Dogg just for the sake of it? Having Test and D-Lo Brown team without a follow-up angle? Having Chyna turn twice? Putting Tori anywhere near a ring? For this challenge, you have 45 seconds to come up with a better show than what Vinnie Ru assembled. Average time needed to complete the goal: eleven seconds.
-3D Hangman Challenge: As Michael Cole, watch in horror as The Undertaker and The Brood hang the Big Bossman from the rafters. Feign repulsion as Bossman stops kicking his legs, and his eyes roll back to symbolize death overtaking his body. After a five second pause, in your best company pitchman voice, forget that you just watched a gruesome lynching, and merrily hype up the main event with Stone Cold vs. The Rock. Fans who act like Cole’s dumbassery is only a recent occurrence haven’t watched long enough.
-Grab Yo Bitches Challenge: When Vince or Stephanie McMahon is accepting some vapid award that acknowledges what a charitable, family-friendly, progressive company WWE is, run up to the podium with some video-playing mobile device (preferably something with a big enough screen) and play Ice-T’s appearance from this event (holding it over your head like John Cusack in Say Anything would be a nice touch), in which he raps about ‘hoes’ and ‘bitches’. Then run out of the room chortling. This has nothing to do with the video game, by the way, but it sounds like a riot.
-Apathy is Hardcore Challenge: You’re anyone that participated in the 13-man Hardcore Title chase. Your objective is to stand at ringside for 15 minutes swinging weapons, and never once actively chasing the champion. Because who needs a midcard title when you can instead wallop Headbanger Thrasher with a Cuisinart?
-Dead Wood Challenge: As Chyna, lay perfectly still and refuse to sell any of Ivory’s stomps, kicks, or punches. Because she’s a woman, and Chyna won’t sell for women as she’s a….errr….well, her genitals in that X-Pac sex tape were considerably ‘vague.’ Blade Braxton deserves our unwavering respect for reviewing that tripe.
-Gimmick Battle Royal Challenge: Simply play the match with whatever character you like. Is it any coincidence that a match featuring the Gobbeldy Gooker, Duke the Dumpster Droese, Repo Man, and Tugboat took place on WrestleCrap’s first birthday? We think not.
-Keep Whipping This Bottle of Glue with This 2X4 Challenge: Play through an entire show’s worth of backstage Hardcore Title changes and chases, two years after the idea was last novel. As a bonus, the golf cart that Al Snow used to drive through a pile of random boxes can be used to drive Triple H to the ring when you get to WrestleMania XLVIII, when he’s 62 and going over on daughter Aurora Levesque in a match where the company is at stake. Now he spews Metamucil from the apron.
-For the Dogs Challenge: As Chris Jericho, walk Lucy, the Helmsley’s dog, around the parking garage until your heat meter reaches ‘zero’. Then run it over with a limousine, because there’s a $45 PPV to sell.
-Tastes Great, Less Midcard Filler Challenge: As one of the Miller Lite Catfight Girls, strip down to your bra and kind of/sort of hit the other with a pillow. Bonus points if you can find Kane, Rob Van Dam, Lance Storm, or Sean Morley before this challenge and remind them that you have no idea who they are.
-Crappy Endings Challenge: Using Triple H, keep Booker T from getting any hopeful offense in your World Title bout, despite using hints of racist rhetoric against him for weeks before the match. If you can pin Booker more than 45 seconds after you’ve Pedigreed him, you’ll unlock 2003 Christian, Three Minute Warning, and other midcarders that Booker can wrestle going forward. See, when Hunter said, “your people”, that wasn’t an epithet. He clearly meant jobbers-to-the-stars.
-Stall For All Challenge: Playing the Goldberg/Brock Lesnar match on the actual WWE2K14 game felt wrong. Lesnar (the computer opponent) went off script, and actually tried to wrestle me (Goldberg) at a *gasp* standard pace! To correct this error, lock up with Lesnar three times and then break cleanly no sooner than 45 seconds later. A wave of boos, and being hit in the head with an errant Mountain Dew cup, are indicators that you’ve done it correctly. Passing this test unlocks Brock Lesnar’s Minnesota Vikings practice squad jersey.
-I’ll Show You Hunter, You’ll See Challenge: As “The King of Swing” Stevie Richards, beat Triple H and Shawn Michaels in a triple threat match to become World Heavyweight Champion. No special modifiers here, just act it out the way it happened in 2004.
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