Much of the hype surrounding the release of WWE2K14 has been the “30 Years of WrestleMania” mode, in which the player recreates historic matches and moments from the annals of WWE’s grandest stage.
Here at WrestleCrap, we’re more than happy to put our own spin on the game, and offer an alternative. What if you could reenact the worst of WrestleMania, in terms of unintentional comedy and out-and-out Crapitude?
That’s what we’re here for!
-Broken Stopwatch Challenge: You play the timekeeper for King Kong Bundy and SD Jones’ historic match, in which the bell-to-bell time ranges between nine and 23 seconds, depending on how stupid you think the viewers are. Your objective is to accidentally break the clock precisely at the nine-second mark, preserving the match time forever. Suggested methods include stepping on the watch, biting it in half, or stuffing it in your rectum. Christopher Walken recommends the latter method.
-Eyes on the Prize Challenge: You play as Lord Alfred Hayes, introducing the backstage promos that precede each match. Your goal is to make it abundantly clear that you’re nervous and reading cue cards. The mission will automatically restart if, at any point, you look the least bit competent, suggesting that you’ve done this before.
-Slobber Knocker Challenge: You’re Damian, Jake Roberts’ famed python. After Roberts disposes of George “he looks like he could be Tony Atlas from the mezzanine” Wells, your job is to squeeze enough saliva and phlegm out of Wells’ mouth to fill a shot glass. Bonus achievements are unlocked if Jake drinks it. That bonus achievement is Wells’ tattered CFL uniform, available for use in create-a-wrestler.
-Who the Hell is Herb? Challenge: Burger King pitchman “Herb” was inexplicably a guest at WrestleMania II, much in the way that Keystone character Keith Stone made an appearance on Raw two years ago. Name one celebrity possibly more useless than Herb. By the time you think of one, WWE 2K15 will be out, with the long-awaited “Two Months of XFL Xcitement” mode. Screw you, Madden.
-Ring Cart Race Challenge: Remember those nifty motorized carts, designed to look like mini wrestling rings, that took performers to and from the ring? Pick any wrestler and race your friends around the Pontiac Silverdome! There’s no objective, just go nuts and have fun. Chances are, you’ll play this one for hours at a time.
-Land of the Free Challenge: Playing as Hacksaw Jim Duggan, disrupt Nikolai Volkoff’s singing of the Soviet National Anthem, and declare that Volkoff isn’t allowed to sing his anthem, because America’s ‘the land of the free.’ Doing this without going cross-eyed will unlock Duggan and Iron Sheik’s New Jersey rental car, which can be used in Backstage Brawl mode.
-Trash the Trophy Challenge: As Bret Hart, destroy the ginormous bowling trophy that Bad News Brown received for winning the opening battle royal. Failing to adequately wreck the trophy means you have no business being a wrestler, as no trophy is allowed to leave an arena in one piece.
-Whack-A-Savage Challenge: As One Man Gang, with Slick’s jive-soul-cane in hand, you must try to hit a downed Macho Man Randy Savage while moving with all the speed of a glacier on downers. Missing three times will unlock Akeem’s super-swank Easter Egg attire.
-Flat Rockin’ Challenge: In the vein of microphone-based singing games like American Idol, you will get to recreate Rockin’ Robin’s lifeless rendition of America the Beautiful. A microphone is not required; you simply have to hold one button down for 45 seconds, as a simulation of her refusal to change octaves at any point during her duffing. The bouncing ball on the screen doesn’t even bounce, it merely scrolls sideways in linear fashion.
-Mr. Fuji 10K Fun Run Challenge: Using everyone’s favorite Oddjob doppelganger, run the charity 10K run on the Atlantic City Boardwalk. You can slow down other runners by hitting them with your cane, or throwing salt in their eyes. You even get a 20 second headstart that the guy with the pistol conveniently misses.
-Ebony and Ivory Challenge: As Rowdy Roddy Piper, you will paint your half of your body black as a means of taunting Bad News Brown (but presumably, not other black people). To complete the objective, you have to make it through the airport after the show without being detected by anyone that may be upset by your Al Jolson Half-and-Half Tribute, and may thus want to settle the lack of harmony with a pocket knife. Completing the mission in record time earns you Bill Watts’ undying respect, and thus an immediate push in 1992 WCW mode, regardless of how unover you might be.
-Shake it Sapphire Challenge: Using Switt Saffer (Copyright 1989, Dusty Rhodes), take down Sensational Queen Sherri with a repeated series of booty-bops to the head and torso. Jerry Lawler will dub over Jesse Ventura’s indignant insults, because damned if Vince is going to pay Riff Raff from Rocky Horror any royalties.
-Dress Willie Challenge: Taking as many souvenir shirts, belts, hats, bandanas, and sunglasses as you can, decorate Country icon Willie Nelson before he goes to sing America the Beautiful. You can unlock Willie’s graying braids as a create-a-wrestler hairstyle if you can convince him to wear a musty old Outback Jack t-shirt (convincing him that ‘Outback Jack’ is a particularly potent blend of Australian ganja might work).
-Bombs Away Challenge: Come up with the most laughable press release imaginable, explaining why you’re moving WrestleMania VII from the expansive Los Angeles Coliseum to the considerably smaller Sports Arena. Try not to mention things like, ‘selling only 18,000 tickets and it’s already February” in said release.
-Survey Says Challenge: Boy, Ray Combs’ introductions for the eight-man tag were about as laughable as feline leukemia, weren’t they? Using a time machine (or Ultimate Warrior’s spaceship, if you’ve unlocked it), go back and time and keep the steroid scandal from blowing up the way it did, and tarnishing WWE’s brand name, so that you can get better celebrities for your events. Still, Combs is certainly a step up from the CEO of Caesar’s Palace getting 20 seconds of airtime the following year. No wonder WWE became so proficient at spin-doctoring: they’ve had years of practice.
-Real Deal Road Rage Challenge: Our very own RD Reynolds was a spry young man when he attended WrestleMania VIII in his native Indianapolis. In the early days of WrestleCrap, The Deal told of almost running over the Berzerker in the parking lot as he was leaving the show. To recreate this moment, you will assume the role of RD, and slalom your way through Berzerker, and other wrestlers who didn’t get to wrestle on the big stage that year. Completing this will unlock RD, Midnight Rose, Mike Check, Honky Tonk Mailman, and Gay Popeye, though what use you’d have for any of them is beyond comprehension.
-Watch the Entire Show Challenge: It will inspire you to create a niche website dedicated to wrestling’s kookiest characters and unmistakable train wrecks.
-Steal the Spotlight Challenge: As Hulk Hogan, beat a winded and exhausted Yokozuna before he can take the WWE Championship back to the evil wasteland that is Japan (those bastards; they make our cars and electronic wares!). For a bonus mission, duck giving Bret Hart a rematch with excuses like, “I have to reshoot my tutu scenes” and “My son just crashed his Power Wheels into a tree again.”
-Boy Scout Knot Tying OOOH YEEEAH Challenge: As Macho Man Randy Savage, do as shoddy a job as possible in hanging Crush upside down during your falls count anywhere match. For a bonus, beat up the production member who set up the horrible rigging in the first place. Upon completion, you will have unlocked a shiny new WCW contract.
-Respect Lex Challenge: As Vince McMahon, physically stand up and cheerlead for Lex Luger during his WWE Title shot against Yokozuna (he actually did do this, check the video). You’re doing this because you can’t possibly waste your company’s future on some dry-witted Joey Ramone lookalike from Calgary, no matter how well he draws internationally. The fans are clearly deluded; they need to be reminded that they like passion-less jellyfish with muscles growing from muscles. You can’t beat this challenge outright (because really, who gives a metric damn about Luger?), but you can still unlock the Lex Express, just so Vince can angrily drive it into the Hudson River.
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