WWE2K14 Presents: 30 Years of WrestleCrap, Part I!

31 Submitted by on Mon, 04 November 2013, 12:27

Much of the hype surrounding the release of WWE2K14 has been the “30 Years of WrestleMania” mode, in which the player recreates historic matches and moments from the annals of WWE’s grandest stage.

Here at WrestleCrap, we’re more than happy to put our own spin on the game, and offer an alternative. What if you could reenact the worst of WrestleMania, in terms of unintentional comedy and out-and-out Crapitude?

That’s what we’re here for!

WRESTLEMANIA I

-Broken Stopwatch Challenge: You play the timekeeper for King Kong Bundy and SD Jones’ historic match, in which the bell-to-bell time ranges between nine and 23 seconds, depending on how stupid you think the viewers are. Your objective is to accidentally break the clock precisely at the nine-second mark, preserving the match time forever. Suggested methods include stepping on the watch, biting it in half, or stuffing it in your rectum. Christopher Walken recommends the latter method.

-Eyes on the Prize Challenge: You play as Lord Alfred Hayes, introducing the backstage promos that precede each match. Your goal is to make it abundantly clear that you’re nervous and reading cue cards. The mission will automatically restart if, at any point, you look the least bit competent, suggesting that you’ve done this before.

wells

WRESTLEMANIA II

-Slobber Knocker Challenge: You’re Damian, Jake Roberts’ famed python. After Roberts disposes of George “he looks like he could be Tony Atlas from the mezzanine” Wells, your job is to squeeze enough saliva and phlegm out of Wells’ mouth to fill a shot glass. Bonus achievements are unlocked if Jake drinks it. That bonus achievement is Wells’ tattered CFL uniform, available for use in create-a-wrestler.

-Who the Hell is Herb? Challenge: Burger King pitchman “Herb” was inexplicably a guest at WrestleMania II, much in the way that Keystone character Keith Stone made an appearance on Raw two years ago. Name one celebrity possibly more useless than Herb. By the time you think of one, WWE 2K15 will be out, with the long-awaited “Two Months of XFL Xcitement” mode. Screw you, Madden.

WRESTLEMANIA III

-Ring Cart Race Challenge: Remember those nifty motorized carts, designed to look like mini wrestling rings, that took performers to and from the ring? Pick any wrestler and race your friends around the Pontiac Silverdome! There’s no objective, just go nuts and have fun. Chances are, you’ll play this one for hours at a time.

-Land of the Free Challenge: Playing as Hacksaw Jim Duggan, disrupt Nikolai Volkoff’s singing of the Soviet National Anthem, and declare that Volkoff isn’t allowed to sing his anthem, because America’s ‘the land of the free.’ Doing this without going cross-eyed will unlock Duggan and Iron Sheik’s New Jersey rental car, which can be used in Backstage Brawl mode.

WRESTLEMANIA IV

-Trash the Trophy Challenge: As Bret Hart, destroy the ginormous bowling trophy that Bad News Brown received for winning the opening battle royal. Failing to adequately wreck the trophy means you have no business being a wrestler, as no trophy is allowed to leave an arena in one piece.

-Whack-A-Savage Challenge: As One Man Gang, with Slick’s jive-soul-cane in hand, you must try to hit a downed Macho Man Randy Savage while moving with all the speed of a glacier on downers. Missing three times will unlock Akeem’s super-swank Easter Egg attire.

WRESTLEMANIA V

-Flat Rockin’ Challenge: In the vein of microphone-based singing games like American Idol, you will get to recreate Rockin’ Robin’s lifeless rendition of America the Beautiful. A microphone is not required; you simply have to hold one button down for 45 seconds, as a simulation of her refusal to change octaves at any point during her duffing. The bouncing ball on the screen doesn’t even bounce, it merely scrolls sideways in linear fashion.

-Mr. Fuji 10K Fun Run Challenge: Using everyone’s favorite Oddjob doppelganger, run the charity 10K run on the Atlantic City Boardwalk. You can slow down other runners by hitting them with your cane, or throwing salt in their eyes. You even get a 20 second headstart that the guy with the pistol conveniently misses.

piper

WRESTLEMANIA VI

-Ebony and Ivory Challenge: As Rowdy Roddy Piper, you will paint your half of your body black as a means of taunting Bad News Brown (but presumably, not other black people). To complete the objective, you have to make it through the airport after the show without being detected by anyone that may be upset by your Al Jolson Half-and-Half Tribute, and may thus want to settle the lack of harmony with a pocket knife. Completing the mission in record time earns you Bill Watts’ undying respect, and thus an immediate push in 1992 WCW mode, regardless of how unover you might be.

-Shake it Sapphire Challenge: Using Switt Saffer (Copyright 1989, Dusty Rhodes), take down Sensational Queen Sherri with a repeated series of booty-bops to the head and torso. Jerry Lawler will dub over Jesse Ventura’s indignant insults, because damned if Vince is going to pay Riff Raff from Rocky Horror any royalties.

WRESTLEMANIA VII

-Dress Willie Challenge: Taking as many souvenir shirts, belts, hats, bandanas, and sunglasses as you can, decorate Country icon Willie Nelson before he goes to sing America the Beautiful. You can unlock Willie’s graying braids as a create-a-wrestler hairstyle if you can convince him to wear a musty old Outback Jack t-shirt (convincing him that ‘Outback Jack’ is a particularly potent blend of Australian ganja might work).

-Bombs Away Challenge: Come up with the most laughable press release imaginable, explaining why you’re moving WrestleMania VII from the expansive Los Angeles Coliseum to the considerably smaller Sports Arena. Try not to mention things like, ‘selling only 18,000 tickets and it’s already February” in said release.

WRESTLEMANIA VIII

-Survey Says Challenge: Boy, Ray Combs’ introductions for the eight-man tag were about as laughable as feline leukemia, weren’t they? Using a time machine (or Ultimate Warrior’s spaceship, if you’ve unlocked it), go back and time and keep the steroid scandal from blowing up the way it did, and tarnishing WWE’s brand name, so that you can get better celebrities for your events. Still, Combs is certainly a step up from the CEO of Caesar’s Palace getting 20 seconds of airtime the following year. No wonder WWE became so proficient at spin-doctoring: they’ve had years of practice.

-Real Deal Road Rage Challenge: Our very own RD Reynolds was a spry young man when he attended WrestleMania VIII in his native Indianapolis. In the early days of WrestleCrap, The Deal told of almost running over the Berzerker in the parking lot as he was leaving the show. To recreate this moment, you will assume the role of RD, and slalom your way through Berzerker, and other wrestlers who didn’t get to wrestle on the big stage that year. Completing this will unlock RD, Midnight Rose, Mike Check, Honky Tonk Mailman, and Gay Popeye, though what use you’d have for any of them is beyond comprehension.

ix

WRESTLEMANIA IX

-Watch the Entire Show Challenge: It will inspire you to create a niche website dedicated to wrestling’s kookiest characters and unmistakable train wrecks.

-Steal the Spotlight Challenge: As Hulk Hogan, beat a winded and exhausted Yokozuna before he can take the WWE Championship back to the evil wasteland that is Japan (those bastards; they make our cars and electronic wares!). For a bonus mission, duck giving Bret Hart a rematch with excuses like, “I have to reshoot my tutu scenes” and “My son just crashed his Power Wheels into a tree again.”

WRESTLEMANIA X

-Boy Scout Knot Tying OOOH YEEEAH Challenge: As Macho Man Randy Savage, do as shoddy a job as possible in hanging Crush upside down during your falls count anywhere match. For a bonus, beat up the production member who set up the horrible rigging in the first place. Upon completion, you will have unlocked a shiny new WCW contract.

-Respect Lex Challenge: As Vince McMahon, physically stand up and cheerlead for Lex Luger during his WWE Title shot against Yokozuna (he actually did do this, check the video). You’re doing this because you can’t possibly waste your company’s future on some dry-witted Joey Ramone lookalike from Calgary, no matter how well he draws internationally. The fans are clearly deluded; they need to be reminded that they like passion-less jellyfish with muscles growing from muscles. You can’t beat this challenge outright (because really, who gives a metric damn about Luger?), but you can still unlock the Lex Express, just so Vince can angrily drive it into the Hudson River.

(Follow Justin on Twitter, and send him some feedback!)

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
31 Responses to "WWE2K14 Presents: 30 Years of WrestleCrap, Part I!"
  1. ScMcS says:

    I want THIS version of the game, right now! Let me go and get a PS3, first….

  2. Third String Point Guard says:

    Can’t wait till Part II is up – wonder what features will be included on WrestleMania XI, a.k.a. the L.T. WrestleMania?

  3. John says:

    And as a special bonus for WrestleMania 7 you’ll get to watch a 3 hour documentary on the great instant replay debate titled, “How we made time actually stand still”.

  4. Stephen says:

    It’s funny you should write this, Justin, because both my brother and I DEMANDED Giant Gonzalez be in WWE 2K14 when we heard they were basing it around “30 Years Of Wrestlemania”. He did have a legendary match at Wrestlemania, after all …

    I also wanted Mr. T and SD Jones to be involved but alas, it was not to be.

  5. Rick Rude's Mullet says:

    This a game that I would play 24/7 and never evvvvvvvvvvvver leave the house for any reason. Lol!

  6. THE Jeffry Mason says:

    Would be stuck on the lord alfred one forever. No one can be as bad as him.

    Great work, justin. I forgive you for forcing me to READ unfunny results of Smackdown

  7. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    Shut up & take my money!

  8. Anonymous says:

    The game already looks cool as it is, but this would just put it over the top.

  9. Down With OPC says:

    That Ring Cart Race Challenge sounds like it would be awesome actually.

  10. Mark Cardoso says:

    The real WWE 2K14 is a tons of bugs and glitches in it. Especially in the create modes. It can be an induction on its own..

  11. JM says:

    I’d like a WM X challenge where you are a New York Post reporter and you have to find Luger somewhere in NYC and catch him blabbing that he’s booked to win the WWF title the next day.

  12. Raven7309 says:

    I just bought WWE SD vs Raw 2010 for the PS2 a couple of weeks ago. It has the “Create A Storyline” mode. I now want to reeanact all of these craptastic moments.

  13. Big Jim says:

    The Fuji 10K Fun Run sounds like it would be my favorite part. For someone that can remember the NES days, it gives me kind of a Road Rash vibe, only with the additional greatness of the dastardly Japanese manager in the supremely stylish getup.

  14. king1836 says:

    I eagerly anticipate Part 2. Part 1 was hilarious!

  15. George from Dudleyville, NY says:

    That was classic. I wanna see Tito Santana mode were after WM1, you must rewrite history and actually win your matches (Dark match at 9 bonus once completed). Also drop 10 elbows with Randy Savage and defeat Warrior into retirement to rewrite VII. Hence saving Vince his hostage money and victims of the dreaded “Warrior no show” will have never been.

  16. Kev says:

    How about this one? Wrestlemania IV: You play as Bob Eucker. Your objective is to fill up the “Creep-o-Meter” as you stalk Vanna White all around a scale re-creation of the Trump Plaza arena during Wrestlemania IV. But be careful, not only does Vanna try harder and harder to avoid you the higher the Creep-O-Meter gets, you only have a limited time to do so starting with the end of the battle royal until the bell rings for Randy Savage vs Ted DiBiase, and you still have to do your on-camera segments. If you pull it off, you’ll unlock a restraining order.

  17. Anon says:

    Wrestlemania 15 could have a “Boxing Bart Gunn” mini game, where you step into the ring and fight Butterbean. Lasting longer than the 45 seconds he did in real life unlocks Brawl for All mode.

  18. RedArmyCats says:

    What about Wrestlemania V you have to chase down Morton Downey Jr with the fire extinguisher?

  19. Sir Thomas says:

    Challenge for Wrestlemania20: try to make Brock Lesner VS Goldberg even less entertaining than its real life counterpart. It’s one of those challenges you can only play on the highest difficulty, and is rumored to be unwinnable.

    • Nick Nutter says:

      Also, try to rewrite history as Ultimo Dragon and avoid tripping on your cape/ending your career in the western hemisphere.

  20. Nick Nutter says:

    Absolute hi-larity! Cringed a little at the Nick Hogan joke, but still funny as hell!

  21. Michael Maiello says:

    It needs some way of adding Trash Losagain to the Wrestlemania 4 tourney. Or maybe he can steal Sgt. Slaughter’s hat at Wrestlemania 8?

  22. DasbeCannon says:

    I would totally mark out if a video game actually had Honky Tonk Mailman. He’d shatter every world title record in the game with the shake, shuttle, and mail.

  23. THE Jeffry Mason says:

    Anyone have a good CAS formula for Sack of Flour yet?

  24. Sean O says:

    My ideas for part 2

    XI: LT vs Bam Bam (so laughable no joke needs to be made), Make the audio work wright challenge
    XII: Hollywood Backlot Brawl, Geriatric match (unlocking it gives you Huckster and Nacho Man)
    13: Keep your pants clean challenge: Play as Sycho Sid and avoid crapping your pants in the main event
    XIV: i got nothing…
    XV: Brawl for All challenge: Avoid falling asleep during the match
    XVI/2000: Book something other than tag matches, unlocks Chester McCheeserton
    X-Seven: WCW Buyout mode-Figure out how to properly book the WCW wrestlers following the buyout of the company. Also, the gimmick battle royale which unlocks the Gobbledy Gooker
    X8: Again, got nothing
    XIX: Catfight from XIX whatever happened there I guess
    XX: Lingerie Pillow Fight or Goldberg vs Lesnar: How it really happened mode.

  25. Mike says:

    My word. This article has made my night, and the stuff in the comments section is pretty awesome too. I think the part that made me lose my crap the most is the fact that RD nearly creamed The Berzerker after WrestleMania VII! Anyway, I’d buy this game in a HEARTBEAT.

  26. Tony Wilson says:

    Kind of disappointed that the rumored Susan St. James Challenge for Wrestlemania 2 has been left out, where you play as Susan and have to make her say “Uh-Oh” by pressing X five thousand and eighty three times within three hours.

    Oh, well.

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