WrestleCrapMania LIVE From Atlantic City, NJ, March 30, 2014!

13 Submitted by on Sun, 30 March 2014, 15:12

wcmania

trump

GM: Welcome to the spacious Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino in historic Atlantic City! Welcome everyone to WrestleCrapMania!

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GM: Hello everybody, I’m Gorilla Monsoon, joined in the broadcast position by Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and Jess, is the roof going to blow off of this resort or what?!

JV: This is what we’ve been waiting to see for weeks and for months, the inaugural WrestleCrapMania! Everyone’s talkin’ about the Heavyweight Title tournament, and wondering who’s gonna come out on top! All the speculatin’ and wondering comes to an end this afternoon, as we ain’t going off the air until we crown a new Heavyweight Champion of the World!

GM: Fourteen of the top competitors from all over this globe meet here in Atlantic City to determine who deserves the rights to be called WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion! All of this, plus a number of other highly important match-ups, we can’t wait to get this underway! Let’s go up to the ring for our opening ceremonies!

HF: Ladies and gentlemen, here to sing our National Anthem, nine-time Olympic Gold Medalist and long time New Jersey native….MR. CARL! LEW-IS!

GM: Huh! Quite the inauspicious way to open WrestleCrapMania!

JV: Actually, it kind of underscores what WrestleCrap is all about, don’t ya think?

GM: Highly unlikely! As Mr. Lewis takes his leave, we see the participants in the big 20 man, over-the-top-rope battle royal filing their way down the aisle here. This gives us a great opportunity to take a look at the beautiful seven-foot trophy that’s at stake.

JV: Yep, the Please-Don’t-Smash-Me-After-the-Match Memorial Trophy!

GM: Do you have to start this early?

JV: No, Gino, that IS the name of the trophy! I saw it when they took it off the truck earlier today!

GM: Well, I stand corrected! The ring really filling up with a sea of humanity; a number of individuals would love to have that prestigious trophy, I’m sure.

JV: The Black Scorpion would have that at the pawn shop in an hour–

GM: Will you be serious! Let’s throw it up to Howard Finkel, for the introductions!

fink

HF: Ladies and gentlemen, here are the participants in tonight’s battle royal! The Stalker! David Arquette! Bastion Booger! The Dynamic Dudes! Santina Marella! Aldo Montoya! The Real Man’s Man! The Godwinns! The Red Rooster! Max Moon! Pacman Jones! Jimmy Wang Yang! The Johnsons! Duke “The Dumpster” Droese! Oklahoma! The Artist! And El Gigante!

JV: The Fink gettin’ outta the way, look at em scamper like a rat!

GM: Oh, and not wasting any time, we’re under way with the battle royal! A very dangerous match, all of those limbs flying as everybody jockeys for position!

JV: It’s like a barroom brawl, no friends, only enemies!

GM: There’s no telling what will–ohhh, look out! There goes the Rooster!

JV: Wow, El Gigante just pie-faced him over the top rope like he was nothing! First, he was the first man gone from the Royal Rumble, and now he’s the first man tossed out of this one!

GM: What a disgrace for that man, The Red Rooster. Meanwhile, over in the far corner, looks like both Godwinns are bouncing a Johnson.

JV: Uhhh….ha ha, well….oh, and there he goes!

GM: He’s out of here in a hurry, Rod Johnson I believe! And we’re already down two guys!

JV: What’s Pacman Jones doing on the outside, Monsoon?

GM: I would assume trying to avoid any physical contact!

JV: Gotta hand it to em, leaving his body in as good’uh shape as possible for Cincinnati’s OTAs!

GM: Then why did he SIGN UP for this match? What is his entire purpose here?

JV: Well, ya know, it gives us good publicity! He’s a famous athlete, and God only knows I can’t be the *only* mainstream draw!

GM: Ohhh, look out! Looks like Booger just hurled one of the Dynamic Dudes out of here; believe that was Shane Douglas!

JV: No skateboard for Shane Douglas to land on, he’s gone. Gigante going after Booger; this oughta be good; two behemoths goin’ at it!

GM: Max Moon trying to eliminate Arquette, that shouldn’t be too diff–oh, Oklahoma with a double axe handle to the back of Moon!

JV: They’re scooping Moon up! And there he goes!

GM: Max Moon out of here. You see the value of being able to double team in a match like this, but in the end, it could come down to you and your ally!

JV: That’s a problem worth havin’ if you can get that far, as we just saw Johnny Ace avoid elimination, that’d have been BOTH Dudes outta here!

GM: Look, the Godwinns and Booger are lifting Gigante up in the corner!

JV: They’ve got both legs off the mat, and they’re calling for assistance! The Real Man’s Man over now, helping with a leg!

GM: The Stalker as well, they’re got em up! AND THERE GOES EL GIGANTE!

JV: It took five men to get the enormous–there goes Arquette!

GM: David Arquette dropkicked out of the ring by Jimmy Wang Yang I believe! Holy smokes, it’s all happening so quick!

JV: The ring’s thinned out a little as Oklahoma’s putting the beatdown on Yang for getting rid of his partner. You hate to be a target in a match like this!

GM: Santina Marella working over Aldo Montoya, could be ripening him for elimination.

JV: It’s hard to predict a match like this, because even the most capable wrestler can have his back turned, and be eliminated in the blink of an eye!

GM: Absolutely, one second you’re on top of the world, and then when you–oh, Phineas missed the charge, he hit that buckle!

JV: Booger’s got em up! There GOES Phineas Godwinn!

GM: Wow, and Henry Godwinn immediately going after Booger! The Godwinns’ teamwork advantage squandered!

JV: You weren’t kidding about–wait, what’s Yang doing?

GM: Yang going outside, he’s throwing Pacman in! You can guess where this is going–THERE GOES PACMAN!

JV: Pacman Jones wasn’t even in there four seconds, and Yang’s eliminated him!

GM: Pacman can do all of the standing around he wants now; his night’s over! No non-contact drills here in WrestleCrap!

JV: I think we’re down to about a dozen or so, Monsoon, as we see The Real Man’s Man and Oklahoma working over Montoya in the corner. I don’t think I have a favorite in this one.

GM: Booger misses a leg drop on Henry Godwinn, good thing Henry got outta there before the boom was lowered!

JV: Yeah, he’d have been all sorts of–

heenan

GM: Where’d The Weasel come from?!

JV: First off, he’s “The Brain”, and second, what *is* Bobby Heenan doing out here? He’s managing Mike Awesome in the opening round of the tournament!

GM: Seems to be an odd time to do some scouting as Duke Droese, The Dumpster laying in those right hands on the cranium of Booger.

JV: Henry Godwinn over, he and Duke are easing Booger into the ropes!

GM: They’re setting–wow, there goes Booger!

JV: I can’t believe it, they managed to get the 400-lb Booger over, just two guys!

GM: Honestly, it looked to me like Booger was out of gas, didn’t have a lot of fight or resistance left in em, Jess!

JV: That can happen in a battle royal, and Booger was very active in making eliminations early on. He could very well have drained himself of his reserve early!

GM: We see Richard Johnson, the remaining Johnson, with a forearm shot to Droese, meanwhile–wow, Santina Marella struck Ace right in the throat!

JV: It’s all legal, and Marella has eliminated Johnny Ace!

GM: Well, we won’t see either Dynamic Dude taking home that trophy, and I think every tag team that was in this match has at least–

JV: Oklahoma just clotheslined Droese out!

GM: Duke the Dumpster, he’s out of the running, and we’re really thinning the herd now. I see seven, eight….nine men left in this one. The Real Man’s Man has his flannel shirt off, wrapping it around the neck of Aldo Montoya, the Portuguese Man O’War!

JV: It’s all legal! Can’t disqualify Man’s Man for using clothing as a weapon!

GM: I don’t understand why he needs all of that attire on in the first place; he’s not cutting down any trees in there!

JV: Well, ya know, it makes him feel a bit manlier! Besides, it keeps opponents from slapping his chest. He’s got that ghostly pallor, ya know.

GM: The Stalker drops The Artist with a big body slam as we see Heenan looking on. He doesn’t appear to be openly rooting for anybody, does he?

JV: Nah, not in the least. He’s pretty composed, I gotta say, and that’s rare, because Bobby’s much more vocal. Maybe he has a gambling interest here; we ARE in Atlantic City, ya know.

GM: Knowing The Weasel, I’d hardly be surprised.

JV: Aww, Oklahoma threw a kick and The Stalker caught it!

GM: Oklahoma begging off, I doubt he gets any mercy–and the Stalker throws him on out!

JV: Oklahoma got atomic dropped over that top rope! I hope Bobby hadn’t bet on him!

GM: I doubt even Heenan would be that dumb!

JV: The Man’s Man attacking The Stalker from behind, while Henry Godwinn and Richard Johnson are having a power struggle.

GM: Certainly getting down to the nitty gritty in this one.

JV: Jimmy Wang Yang–BEAUTIFUL headscissors on The Artist! Got a few of the lighter athletes still in there, which is remarkable for a battle royal with so many heavyweights!

GM: Well, just goes to show you that being smart and watching your back can serve you well in this competition! Man’s Man really jacked The Stalker’s jaw with that European uppercut, that’ll loosen a molar or two!

JV: Richard Johnson takes down ol’ Hank with a big right hand–hey!

GM: Aldo Montoya just ran up and dropkicked Richard Johnson out!

JV: Just like that, both Johnsons are done for!

GM: Doesn’t appear Heenan broke a sweat on that one either! Have you seen him shout encouragement to anyone?

JV: Nahh, he seems pretty neutral down there. There’s some intrigue here!

GM: Man’s Man now, he’s going to work on Henry Godwinn. Yang and Santina having a skirmish over in the corner, it’s getting to the end of the line, Jess.

JV: Yeah, you may see some more risks taken at this stage, with victory in sight.

GM: The Artist–wow, what a crescent kick on Henry Godwinn! Caught em flush on the jaw!

JV: Henry may be out on his feet, as Man’s Man and The Artist are hoisting him up!

GM: Henry Godwinn’s out of here, he got knocked right into next week!

JV: We’re down to a half dozen, Montoya, Stalker, Man’s Man, Yang, Artist, and Santina! One of these man will be the last man standing!

GM: Yang now, he and The Artist are tying up while Man’s Man squares off with The Stalker. Only a matter of time as this capacity crowd waits in anticipation with all of us.

JV: Montoya trying to get Santina up–

GM: Awww, Santina went right to the eyes of Montoya!

JV: Santina just eliminated Aldo Montoya!

GM: Well, can’t call it illegal, a battle royal has no rules of any kind, but what a desperation move on the part of Santina Marella!

JV: The Stalker, wow, what a spinebuster on The Real Man’s Man!

GM: He’s a house of fire now–he’s got The Artist! And there GOES The Artist!

JV: The Stalker with a surge of adrenaline just made it rain purple on the floor!

GM: What?!

JV: Just go with it, Monsoon.

GM: The Stalker now–awww, missed the charge in the corner, he was going for Santina!

JV: The Man’s Man’s got the Stalker!

GM: The Stalker’s out of here, The Man’s Man with the elimination!

JV: Wow, the complexion changed in an absolute hurry as we’re down to three men, The Real Man’s Man, Santina Marella, and Jimmy Wang Yang!

GM: Man’s Man and Santina now, putting the beatdown on Yang. I don’t like Yang’s chances here, Jess.

JV: Definitely not, and Santina drives in a knee to the sternum of the redneck import!

GM: Man’s Man off the ropes–ohh, he went for that Knee Trembler, and Yang sidestepped! Santina got nailed!

JV: Yang floors Man’s Man with that spinning heel kick, now measuring Santina–

GM: A big dropkick, and out goes Santina Marella!

JV: It’s Jimmy Wang Yang and The Real Man’s Man, one on one! And The Man’s Man wants a timeout!

GM: Yang’s not gonna give em one, firing away with a series of kicks!

JV: WOW, did he ring his bell with that high roundhouse!

GM: Yang off the ropes–WHAT WAS THAT!?

JV: Bobby Heenan just tripped Jimmy Wang Yang! He stuck his hand out, and hooked the foot!

GM: Yang now, going after Heenan, he’s got em by the lapels–what did Heenan just throw in there?

JV: The Man’s Man’s got something, that’s a pair of brass knuckles!

GM: LOOK OUT–AWWW! The Man’s Man just nailed Yang in the back of the head with those brass knucks! Come on!

JV: The Man’s Man just sent Yang out of here! Now we know who Bobby was favorin’!

GM: The Real Man’s Man wins it, but only because of Bobby the Weasel’s blatant interference!

HF: Here is your winner….THE REA–

JV: Hey, Bobby just snatched the microphone!

GM: What is this?

BH: Allow me to correct you, cueball! The winner of this match, a man I am now PROUD to call my colleague! Mr! William! Regal!

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GM: William Regal?!

JV: I love it! First he helped Mike Awesome shed his ridiculous That 70′s Guy label, and now William Regal is free from being a construction worker!

GM: William Regal victorious here in the battle royal, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan taking on a new client in this devious individual–

JV: HEY!

GM: Ohhh, Jimmy Wang Yang just threw the trophy into the ring, and it shattered right at Regal and Heenan’s feet!

JV: WHAT A SORE LOSER IS JIMMY WANG YANG! I mean, the trophy had to break SOMEHOW, but not before Regal could enjoy it!

GM: Well, the fans here in Atlantic City sure loved it! That’ll teach Regal and The Weasel to play fair from now on!

JV: Jimmy Wang Yang has no right to wreck the personal property of William Regal! He lost the match fair and square, didn’t he?

GM: Yes, but where does it say that a wrestler can’t wreck another wrestler’s property? Is that in the wrestling rulebook?

JV: That’s destruction of property, Monsoon, that goes ABOVE the rules of wrestling! Jimmy Wang Yang oughta spend the night in Atlantic County Jail!

GM: Oh please!

JV: See if that doesn’t straighten out his little temper tantrum!

GM: Well, we’re about to get this tournament under way; William Regal’s made his way toward the back but The Brain’s staying at ringside. I can see why!

JV: Yeah, here comes Mike Awesome, nearly 300 lbs of muscle and mayhem! If Irwin R Schyster weren’t already gifted with a bye, I’d have Awesome as my pick to take it all!

GM: Well, just a reminder that in the first round and the quarterfinals, time limits are fifteen minutes each, while the semi-finals and final will have no time limit whatsoever.

JV: Absolutely, you’ll see a sense of urgency in those early round match-ups.

GM: Let’s go up to Howard Finkel!

HF: The following contest is a first round match in the WrestleCrap World Championship Tournament! Introducing first, currently in the ring, accompanied by his manager, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, from Tampa, FL, weighing 292 lbs, here is…MIKE….AWE-SOME!

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JV: Look at the size of this gladiator!

*cue “Matador” by Jim Johnston*

GM: He may have the size, but he’s gotta contend with the speed and agility of his opponent, making his way out now!

HF: His opponent, from Tocula, Mexico, weighing 244 lbs, EL….MAT-A-DOR!

matador

GM: El Matador will have his hands full with Mike Awesome here in this first round contest! It’s going to take a lot to take the big guy off his feet, but I believe El Matador has the intestinal fortitude to get the job done!

JV: I dunno, Monsoon, El Matador’s a great wrestler, but Mike Awesome is just so powerful!

GM: Plus he’s got that walking advertisement for birth control lurking around the corner there. You know he’ll get involved first chance he gets!

JV: Nah, I think the Brain will be much more careful here; you can get disqualified here, unlike in a battle royal.

GM: Oh, no question. That’s why it’s so important to listen to the official, dot your I’s in this tournament. One mistake could cost you everything.

JV: Definitely.

GM: Bell’s gone, we’re under way as El Matador tries to solve this massive puzzle standing before him. Collar and elbow tie-up–HUH, Awesome sent him flying backward to the mat!

JV: That’s the strength of Mike Awesome on display! Matador’s not going to match him upper body to upper body!

GM: Can’t take too many falls like that, they’ll give you a negative attitude in hurry. Matador now, going for a takedown, he’s got the leg.

JV: No, Awesome clubs him across the back of the neck! Like bringing a baseball bat down on the spine! Awesome, hammering away!

GM: Awesome hammering El Matador like a railroad spike, doing it almost effortlessly. Setting him up now, wow, he bealed him three-quarters of the way across the ring!

JV: El Matador may wanna think about catching a breather, he’s got a nine count outside that ring, the muscles must be knotting up with each landing!

GM: Big overhand chop from Awesome, he whips Matador into the ropes–ohhh, Matador with a low block!

JV: He clips the knee of Awesome, who’s limping around the ring!

GM: Matador takes Awesome down by that leg, could be a figure four–no, Awesome kicks him off!

JV: Awesome may have tweaked that knee good, the left knee, as he charges in–

GM: No, Matador moves and Awesome rams the buckle! Matador now–dropkick and a beauty, Awesome in a bad way in that corner!

JV: Matador on the rope now, he’s setting him up!

GM: Raining down right hands as this capacity crowd counts along! Eight, nine, ten shots to the cranium of Mike Awesome!

JV: Bobby Heenan barking out commands, he wasn’t expecting to see Awesome on defense like this!

GM: Awesome dazed as Matador lunges off the ropes–

JV: Woah, he misses the flying forearm! Awesome wisely sidestepped, and Matador bounces off the canvas like a jumping bean!

GM: I beg your pardon?

JV: Hey, jumping beans are a part of his culture and his diet, don’t ya know?

GM: Mike Awesome now, dropping an elbow across the chest of Matador, and with the cover–two count is all. He didn’t hook the leg there. A big mistake.

JV: Yeah, Matador was able to kick out the back door; gotta think like a veteran when you’re in there with El Matador.

GM: Awesome planting knees into the back of Matador, no doubt softening him up for that Awesome Bomb, a move that can put you in the hospital, and very likely out of commission for a long period of time.

JV: That’s a move that destroys the entire spine, top to bottom!

GM: If Awesome gets the proper curve on the drop, he really grinds the cervical foramina together.

JV: The *what*?

GM: The openings between the vertebrae, Jess.

JV: Well, just say that then! Awesome, sending Matador into the ropes–

GM: Ohh, he lowered the head and paid for it; Matador with a boot to the face!

JV: This is an opening for El Matador!

GM: Matador off the ropes–FLYING FOREARM! And he knocks Awesome off his feet!

JV: Look at Heenan, he can’t believe it!

GM: Matador now, going back to that leg, could be setting up for–GET THE WEASEL DOWN FROM THERE!

JV: Heenan to the apron to create a diversion; it’s worked as Matador–OHH, HE JUST POPPED BOBBY HEENAN IN THE MOUTH!

GM: Heenan being accosted by El Mat–LOOK OUT!

JV: Ohh, Matador moved and Awesome crashed right into The Brain!

GM: Matador with a schoolboy–no, couldn’t em, only two!

JV: El Matador nearly with the upset as he charges off the ropes again–WOAH, turned inside out with a Mike Awesome clothesline!

GM: Mike Awesome rotated El Matador like a tire after that shot, he got knocked silly by it!

JV: Now he’s giving the signal, he’s setting up El Matador!

GM: Lifting him high over his head, here it comes–

JV: THE AWESOME BOMB CONNECTS! It’s over!

GM: That’s all she wrote for El Matador, this one’s history! That’s two matches now that Bobby Heenan’s played a part in ruining!

HF: Here is your winner, Mike AWE-some!

JV: Yeah, but ya gotta give it to em, he’s a hands-on manager, and he wants the prestige that comes with managing the champion!

GM: El Matador might not even be aware of what’s happened to em here, as Heenan raises Awesome’s hand. Huh, Heenan might have a split lip!

JV: All in a day’s work for the greatest manager in the game!

GM: Let’s throw it to our interview booth, where Mean Gene Okerlund is standing by with, of all people, Michael Cole! Take it, Gene!

GO: Joining me at this time, the self-proclaimed Voice of WrestleCrap–

MC: Uh, let me correct you there: I am undeniably THE Voice….of WrestleCrap!

GO: Be that as it may, Michael Cole, tonight you look to come through on a challenge to Gregg Maffews, as you unveil a mystery opponent. Do you have any details as to this individual’s identity?

MC: First of all, Gene, you’re a little too on-point for this position for my liking; you need to work on your bland competence and personal appearance more. It wouldn’t take much for me to convince Tony Dawson to fill in for you, you know.

GO: I beg your pardon!

MC: But as far as Gregg Maffews goes, this dork, this chump, I’ve found the perfect opponent to take him on, but my forte isn’t talking about wrestling matches. I’d rather talk about the mind state of the competitors, while throwing in a not-so-subtle plug for a reality series or a social media endeavor–

GO: In that case, Gorilla and Jesse, back to you!

JV: Wow, Mean Gene cut off Michael Cole! Wonder if he’ll have a surprise Wellness strike in the next week!

GM: Let’s go up to The Fink!

HF: The following contest is a first round tournament match. Currently in the ring, from Minneapolis, MN, weighing in at 235 lbs, “Mr. Ad-uh-quit” Curtis AX-el!

axel

GM: Mr. Adequate, looking quite fired up for his chance at becoming WrestleCrap World Champion! Looks in pretty good shape as well!

JV: Hey, the kid’s got great genetics! The excitement factor may have been recessive, but he’s in terrific condition, at least!

*cue “Dragon Fire” by Jim Johnston*

GM: Well, he’s dealing with a pro in this one, and it promises to be a classic!

HF: His opponent, from Honolulu, HI, weighing 235 lbs, THE DRAG-ON!

GM: The Dragon, literally bringing the fire to this match-up! What an awesome specimen this man is!

JV: There are few more impressive athletes in professional wrestling than The Dragon, but his flash and flair can be extinguished by textbook wrestling, something Mr. Adequate has in spades!

dragon

GM: Woah! Excuse ME!

JV: It’s an impressive fireball, but he can’t use it in this match! He’ll get disqualified!

GM: Yeah, but what kind of condition would Mr. Adequate be in if The Dragon scorched him? I doubt he’d be able to make it to the next round!

JV: That’s true, but his grandfather, Larry “The Ax” Hennig, would probably trudge forward! You’d have to burn him to a crisp to keep him from wrestling!

GM: No doubt about it! Bell’s gone, and we’re under way as we see both Dragon and Adequate jockeying for position, circling one another.

JV: I tell you, this could be the sleeper match of the night, Gorilla.

GM: Wouldn’t surprise me as the two lock up, Dragon with the arm, twisting it, wow, wrings it a second time!

JV: The Dragon really wrenching the arm, and Mr. Adequate ain’t liking it, his elbow’s bein’ torqued good!

GM: The worst part is, whoever WINS this match has to face Mike Awesome in the quarterfinals!

JV: Ha, they’d hardly be a winner then, would they?

GM: Adequate with a handful of hair, jerks The Dragon to the mat! C’mon ref, do your job in there.

JV: Well, Adequate was quick with the pull and referee Jim Korderas didn’t catch em in the act! A good move on the part of Mr. Adequate, as he works on a high hammerlock!

GM: Mr. Adequate knows all the tricks of the trade, as The Dragon–wow, he twists out of it, and goes back to that arm wringer!

JV: Wow, The Dragon worked his way free!

GM: Dragon sets up–aww, he lifted Adequate in that arm wringer and lets him drop, all the weight on the wrist and elbow!

JV: The Dragon, drops a leg on the arm to boot! Applying another hold!

GM: A short-arm scissors, expertly applied, and Adequate’s being tied into a knot literally by The Dragon! Wow, is he being taught a wrestling lesson or what?

JV: Mr. Adequate reaching for that bottom rope, that’s his safety net right here.

GM: He manages to get his foot underneath, and The Dragon’s gotta break. Referee making the count, and The Dragon doesn’t break until four.

JV: Now don’t you think that’s a bit cheap, Gino? Milking the count with a dangerous hold applied?

GM: He broke the hold in a timely fashion, Jess! Don’t stir the pot. Dragon has his Irish whip reversed, ducks the clothesline–wow, what a crucifix! Two–no, only two!

JV: Mr. Adequate bails out to the floor, he’s been outwrestled seemingly the entire length of the match so far!

GM: The Dragon allowing Mr. Adequate some time to gather his marbles here; of course, The Dragon has to pace himself as well.

JV: That’s the thing with a tournament, you have to balance your energy, but you can’t go too light. Mr. Adequate getting back to the apr–

GM: The Dragon caught em, big thrust to the chops!

JV: This has not started off well for Adequate whatsoever, and now the Dragon’s looking for a suplex!

GM: Got Mr. Adequate hooked, just has to get–no, Mr. Adequate drops off the apron and clotheslines The Dragon on the rope!

JV: He’s got an opening! A clever move on the part of Mr. Adequate!

GM: Adequate with the cover, two count is all! The Dragon, however, still gasping for air after that drop across the top rope!

JV: Mr. Adequate now, setting up The Dragon, he’s scoopin’ him up.

GM: He’s got the Dragon, brings him down with a nice backbreaker!

JV: He’s still holdin’ on!

GM: Mr. Adequate picks The Dragon back up, and there’s a second backbreaker! Going for the cover–two count is all!

JV: That’s smart on Mr. Adequate’s part, because a backbreaker hurts the ribs as well, and if the Dragon’s sucking wind, he’s making it much more harder on em!

GM: He really is connecting everything to that opening he gained as he scoops The Dragon and slams him down. Where’s he going now?

JV: He’s going to that middle rope!

GM: A moderate risk for Mr. Adequate with The Dragon laid out, will it pay off? NO, The Dragon rolls away from the elbow drop!

JV: He waited too long before making his jump!

GM: Somewhat telegraphed the move as The Dragon clearing the cobwebs. Big chop across Adequate’s chest! And another!

JV: The Dragon stinging Mr. Adequate with those blistering chops, look at him redden the chest! He’s bursting blood vessels!

GM: A leaping headlock takeover, and The Dragon has regained control in this one! Charging now….OHHHH!

JV: The Dragon tried for a headscissors, and Mr. Adequate dropped him across the top rope!

GM: May have knocked the wind out of em, he covers–no, only a count of two!

JV: I gotta hand it to the Dragon, that’s some incredible resilience to take two sickening drops across the top rope and be able to come back from both!

GM: Mr. Adequate now, could be setting up for that patented Adequate Arch, he’s got the head hooked–no, The Dragon backdrops his way out!

JV: The Dragon’s finding counters every whichway, and you gotta believe Adequate’s getting frustrated!

GM: The Dragon–goes behind with a schoolboy–only a two count!

JV: Both men are wearing each other out, Gorilla, and you know Mike Awesome’s licking his chops somewhere here at Trump Plaza!

GM: The Dragon, setting up Mr. Adequate now, a snap suplex and a beauty! He didn’t go for the cover though!

JV: That’s a big mistake on his part, Mr. Adequate’s still down and he could’ve had him pinned there!

GM: The Dragon’s heading to the top rope!

JV: High risk territory here as Mr. Adequate stirs. Referee laying a count on–

GM: The Dragon with a high cross bod–wow, Mr. Adequate rolls him over–two count only! He had The Dragon’s tights!

JV: Referee Jimmy Korderas not seeing it, so Mr. Adequate is permitted to keep bending the rules! He just about had the Dragon there!

GM: Mr. Adequate, hard knee to the gut of The Dragon, he’s shifted the momentum back in his favor here, as the two exchange near-falls.

JV: They’re both getting winded as Adequate–wow, what a knee to the face! Nearly knocked The Dragon’s teeth out!

GM: Adequate off the ropes, he’s got him set–no, The Dragon avoids Turning Heads!

JV: The Dragon went for a dropkick, and Mr. Adequate caught his legs!

GM: Mr. Adequate setting up The Dragon–slingshots him into the corner–no, the Dragon landed with both feet on the middle rope!

JV: Mr. Adequate doesn’t realize it, he’s getting up slowly, and the Dragon’s repositioning up top!

GM: Dragon off the top, another high-cross body! Cover, two–THREE!

JV: He got em!

GM: The Dragon is victorious here in the opening round!

HF: The winner of this contest….The DRAG-on!

GM: Let’s go back and show you how this took place!

JV: Well, we see Mr. Adequate catapult The Dragon at the post, but Dragon lands with both feet on that middle rope, great presence of mind! Adequate had just enough of a lull, a breather, to where Dragon could set his feet and propel off with a second crossbody, and Mr. Adequate wasn’t turning this one over!

GM: An impressive victory for The Dragon! Let’s throw it to Mean Gene, who’s standing by with Gregg Maffews!

GO: Joining me, one of the new sensations here in the WrestleCrap scene, a man of great worldwide renown, young Gregg Maffews. Mr. Maffews, come on in here, I’ve got to ask you about your match tonight against a mystery opponent hand-selected by Michael Cole. Are you at all concerned about being thrown into a match with someone largely a great unknown?

GM: You know, Gene, I think if you knew the first thing about me, you’d know by now that nothing fazes me. I’ve watched the worst wrestling matches, sitting through hours upon hours of absolute rubbish to toughen myself mentally. If you think The Mega Crappers, and even Sean Carless, cornered the market on the worst in wrestling, then you’re wrong. I  hope no one considers it arrogance that I consider myself an evolutionary in the field of self-inflicted tough love. Cole, you talk too much. Bring your worst.

GO: Thank you very much, Gregg Maffews. Take it away, Gorilla and Jesse!

GM: Quite a bit of confidence expressed by that youngster, Gregg Maffews, as he gets set to face Michael Cole’s trump card, whoever that may be.

JV: Yeah, well I think he’s bitten off a little more than he can chew!

GM: Let’s go up to Howard!

*cue “Grave Secrets” from the Bruton music library*

HF: The following contest is a first round tournament match. Introducing first, from Parts Unknown, weight unknown, The Black SCOR-PI-ON!

scorpion

JV: The Black Scorpion, very mysterious and very creepy, but very dangerous in that ring!  Perhaps the best pure wrestler in all of WrestleCrap!

GM: Yeah, but does he need all of this science fiction pageantry, Jess?

JV: Hey, it’s part of the intimidation game. Kinda like when an angry cat raises the back half of its body to scare a predator, making itself look bigger. It’s elaborate, but it’s all done for a good reason.

GM: Well, I can’t argue his methods. The Black Scorpion lasted nearly a half hour in the Royal Rumble this year.

JV: He’s certainly got endurance to spare. But Scorpion’s gotta get the job done in less than fifteen minutes for these first couple’uh rounds.

GM: Removing the cape, doing so with kind of an ominous grace, as it were. What a real piece of work.

*cue “Drill” by Jim Johnston*

GM: And here comes the opposition!

HF: His opponent, from Decatur, IL, weighing 323 lbs, Dr. Isaac YANK-em, D-D-S!

yankem

GM: Dr. Isaac Yankem, DDS. Take a look at THIS monstrous individual! He’s got no love loss for The Black Scorpion!

JV: Definitely, they went at it tooth and nail, if you’ll excuse the pun, in the Royal Rumble, both lasting quite sometime among the fray. In a one on one match-up though, I gotta favor The Scorpion, I think.

GM: Ya think so?

JV: He’s going to pace himself better, and he’s not prone to fiery outbursts like the dentist over here. Scorpion knows it’s a marathon, not a sprint, and ya know–

GM: Wait a minute, Scorpion on the attack! Yankem catches him and is pummeling Black Scorpion, we’re under way! You were saying?

JV: The Black Scorpion saw an opening, and it backfired! What a mistake!

GM: Yankem’s got Scorpion pinned in that corner, just hammering him like a punching bag! Scorpion can’t get out of the starting blocks!

JV: It’s going to be over real fast if–WOAH!

GM: Yankem with a high uppercut, and The Black Scorpion goes sailing over the top rope!

JV: What a devastating shot from Isaac Yankem, but I have to question him not going out to follow up. Unless he’s reasonably sure he can get a countout from that beating alone, he needs to go out there and continue the attack!

GM: Yankem seems awful content to let Scorpion gather his bearings–

JV: A mistake!

GM: Well, we’ll see if it costs him later on, as Scorpion tries to steady himself, getting back onto that apron.

JV: You need to stay aggressive, because a wrestler the caliber–

GM: Ohh, Yankem helps Scorpion in the hard-way, slingshotting him with the ropes! A cover, two, and no, not enough.

JV: Yankem staying on top of Scorpion now, the lull didn’t hurt em any.

GM: Didn’t appear to bite Yankem as he sets up Scorpion now, wow, what a right hand that was!

JV: A closed fist, referee Tim White needs to admonish Yankem!

GM: Scorpion, on dream street after that, and look out–

JV: Yankem clotheslines Scorpion up and over, the second time he’s flown to the concrete in this one!

GM: Isaac Yankem in complete control, and now he’s going after him!

JV: A smart move, but he has to be careful not to risk getting counted out himself.

GM: Yankem on the prowl as The Black Scorpion now, trying to get away from the deranged dentist. Distance is his ally right about now.

JV: Yankem’s giving chase, it’s turned into a cat and mouse game down at ringside, and Yankem’s gaining ground!

GM: Scorpion back in, Yankem on his heels–and Scorpion stomps the head of Dr. Yankem!

JV: Ha ha, brilliant move on the part of The Black Scorpion! He’s as cerebral as any wrestler you’ll ever see, outsmarting Yankem!

GM: Scorpion lowering the boom, dropping those knees across the back of Yankem’s neck, keeping him horizontal for the time being. I gotta hand it to em, The Black Scorpion turned the tide when it was looking bad for him.

JV: That’s what a great wrestler does, finds escape when there appears to be none, and look at Scorpion, picking up the larger Yankem. I’d be trying to keep him down if I were him.

GM: What’s this here–belly to back suplex, getting big Isaac Yankem off his feet!

JV: Wow, what strength on the part of The Black Scorpion!

GM: A two count is all. Wow, was THAT close!

JV: Yankem may be more surprised than anything that The Black Scorpion lifted him off the canvas on that suplex.

GM: Scorpion with Yankem against the turnbuckle now–WOW, lit em up with that knife-edge chop!

JV: Scorpion’s pouring on the punishment, reddening the chest of the big dentist, now try–uh-oh.

GM: Uh-oh is right, Scorpion tried to whip Yankem across, but Yankem’s having none of it!

JV: Yankem pumps the brakes, and now reverses it, hammering Scorpion in the corner now! Scorpion’s trapped like he was earlier!

GM: Scorpion in a heap of trouble, as Yankem fires him across–huh, Scorpion gets turned upside down against the buckle!

JV: Scorpion tumbles over to the apron, now he’s running to the other buckle! I think he’s been knocked through a loop, running on fumes!

GM: Scorpion off the top–CLOTHELINED out of mid-air by Yankem! A cover, can he–no, just a count of two! Wow, Scorpion just out the backdoor!

JV: Yankem’s taking advantage of Scorpion’s poor decisions, but he’s not putting him away. That’s a mark of Scorpion’s resilience, if nothing else.

GM: Yankem now, trying to go for maybe an atomic drop, but Scorpion–look, he’s holding on to the referee! Come on ref, don’t let–HEY!

JV: Scorpion just kicked Yankem low while pulling the referee in, and Tim White didn’t see it! Wow, what a risky move!

GM: Scorpion with the cover–two count is all! That should be a disqualification!

JV: Yeah, but Black Scorpion made sure that the ref didn’t see the illegal act! Now Scorpion choking away at Yankem!

GM: Come on, ref, get in there.

JV: He’s got til five, and look, he breaks on four. Taking advantage of every opportunity he’s been afforded thus far.

GM: The Black Scorpion knows all about dirty play. Maybe he knows who tried to run down RD Reynolds in the parking lot on Saturday Night’s Meme Event!

JV: That mystery as of yet unsolved, as Scorpion now–stomp to the knee, beginning to work it over. Setting up for that Figure Four!

GM: It’s gonna take a whole lot to make Dr. Isaac Yankem submit, I got news for you.

JV: He’s beginning his grind toward it now, laying the leg across the bottom rope–

GM: Scorpion drops his weight across it, cannon-balling the lower leg of Yankem! Yankem in some pain on the canvas as Scorpion now, wrenching the foot, trying to pull the hamstring.

JV: He’s givin’ Yankem an anatomy lesson, something the Doctor should be able to appreciate, even if it’s not related to the mouth!

GM: Yankem taking plenty of badmouth from Scorpion, that’s for sure. I think Scorpion’s about to slap that Figure Four–no, Yankem goes to the eyes to break!

JV: A desperation move! How can you say Scorpion can’t go low or choke, but Yankem can rake the eyes?!

GM: I never said it was okay, did I?

JV: Well, call it evenly then!

GM: Scorpion misses a clothesline–Yankem with a big atomic drop!

JV: Oh, but he brought Scorpion down on the good knee, and his hurt leg buckled from the weight!

GM: Yankem, temporarily at least, nursing that leg as Scorpion flails on the canvas. Both men considerably hurt here as this match wears on.

JV: This doesn’t bode well for their chances in the tournament as Yankem looks to be in better–no, Scorpion takes the knee down from the front! Good defensive move!

GM: Yankem in trouble as Scorpion going back to the Figu–no, Yankem kicks him back off! He won’t let Black Scorpion slap it on!

JV: He knows it may be all over if he does get it applied! Yankem to his feet, but he’s limping bad.

GM: Yankem, measuring Scorpion–WOW, turned him inside out with that clothesline, a 360! Can he make the cover?

JV: He’s not going for the cover, he’s picking up Scorpion for more punishment, could be making a big mistake here! He had em down, possibly for the three count!

GM: Big scoop and a slam by Yankem, I think he’s just making sure Scorpion can’t possibly answer the count.

JV: He’s giving the signal, could be readying Scorpion for that Chokeslam!

GM: Waiting for Scorpion to get to his feet, this crowd wants to see The Black Scorpion go up and then come back down in a heap! They may be about to get their wish!

JV: Scorpion should roll to the outside if he knows what’s comin’, but I don’t think he–Yankem’s got him, here–no, Scorpion with a right hand to break it up!

GM: Scorpion lands a hard jab, and now picking–well, TRIED to lift Yankem, but couldn’t! What was he thinking?!

JV: Both men are in bad shape here, Gorilla, and it may take just one more devastating move from either wrestler to score a pinfall!

GM: Yankem back to that throat! He’s got em goozled!

JV: This could be it!

GM: Chokeslam city! Yankem delivers, a cover–no, Scorpion with his foot on the ropes!

JV: Wow, what ring awareness on the part of Black Scorpion! He was done for after that Chokeslam, and he managed to see a way out!

GM: Isaac Yankem has to be a bit frustrated as Scorpion rolls to the outside, he needs a breather badly.

JV: Yankem may not have the gas to give him a good chase, either. Last time, he got his head stomped in!

GM: Yankem, oh he reaches over the top! He’s pulling Black Scorpion to the apron the hard way!

JV: Scorpion couldn’t survive a second Chokeslam, could he? Yankem’s keen on finishing it here, and Scorpion’s begging off!

GM: Yankem trying to bring Scorpion in over the top, but Scorpion’s got a death grip around that top rope!

JV: He won’t–ooh, a kick to Yankem’s leg through the ropes!

GM: Scorpion trips the legs, he’s crading Yank–SCORPION’S GOT THE ROPES!

JV: TWO! THREE! HE GETS HIM!

GM: COME ON! What a miscarriage of justice that was!

HF: Here is your winner, The Black SCOR-PI-ON!

JV: The Black Scorpion advances in the tournament, even though I’ll admit, it’s pretty controversial how he went about doing so!

GM: Isaac Yankem complaining to the referee, saying Scorpion had to be doing something for extra leverage on that pin!

JV: Can’t reverse the decision, what’s done is done! Yankem will just have to work for an opportunity another day!

GM: Please! Right now, let’s go back to Sean Mooney, who I believe is with The Twin Towers, and the Doctor of Style, Slick!

SM: Thank you, Gorilla; I’m being joined by Akeem the African Dream, The Guardian Angel, and stepping between the ropes tonight–

S: EXACATIVELY!

SM: The Doctor of Style, Slick. Slick, I’ve gotta ask you, do you feel safe stepping into the ring, knowing that Kamala, The Ugandan Giant, has had his ire drawn by you after you double-crossed him this past December?

S: Mista Mooney, such concerns are of NO concern! Take a look around you, homes, this is over 800 lbs of huuuu-man-uh-tee! Akeem and The Guardian Angel are my great protectors, here to serve AND protect! And what better way to serve their fellow Slickster,  than by taking out the collective garbage that is Kamala and Saba Simba! I don’t even need to reach out for the tag, my men’ll handle the job a hundred and twenty percent, HA HA!

SM: Slick, are you saying you have no plans to tag into the match whatsoever?

S: Oh no, Mr. Rented Tuxedo, I WILL be tagging in, ha ha, but not until the job is done! My men here, they’re gonna let the Doctor of Style do the honors of scorin’ the pin, know what I’m sayin? And I just hope it’s that ignorant puddin’-head Kamala that takes the fall, because I’d be more than happy to count HIM down, HA HA HA!

SM: Back to Gorilla and Jesse!

JV: Can you imagine? Slick getting the pin on big Kamala?!

GM: What an injustice *that* would be. Let’s go up to Howard.

HF: The following contest is a first round tournament match. Introducing first, from Parts Unknown, weighing 294 lbs, HEI-DEN-REICH!

heidenreich

GM: Take a look at THIS behemoth! In the neighborhood of 300 lbs!

JV: Yeah, but that evil eye’s the scariest thing about ‘em! You turn tail real quick when big Heidenreich stares ya down!

*cue “I Came to Play” by Downstait*

GM: And here he comes! Coming to play indeed!

HF: His opponent, from Cleveland, OH, weighing 231 lbs. The MIZ!

GM: The Miz, looking rather determined. He’d love to be WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion as much as anyone!

JV: Yeah, but he’s gotta keep his cool; remember what happened on Saturday Night’s Meme Event when IRS’ briefcase got involved!

miz

GM: Tempers flare so easily here in WrestleCrap, and it’d be a mistake if The Miz were to exercise that bad judgment once more. So much at stake here!

JV: Yeah, but I don’t think Miz has any control over his emotions! The dude’s as conflicted as any schizoid I’ve ever seen!

GM: Are you trying to say that The Miz isn’t playing with a full deck?

JV: His personalities shift like a sew-saw! Doesn’t that bother anyone else?

GM: Well, this sport of professional wrestling can take its toll on a wrestler’s psyche, no question. It–oh, look out!

JV: Heidenreich charges in and attacks! Miz is on The Schyster Family hit list, and Heidenreich’s tasked with taking him out!

GM: Miz didn’t even have time to get his shirt off completely as Heidenreich lays the lumber in, big overhand shots to the back!

JV: This could be over early!

GM: Heidenreich sends Miz into the ropes–ohh, telegraphed the backdrop and Miz with a boot to the noggin!

JV: Heidenreich’s still up though–woah, big clothesline from Miz, and Heidenreich STILL hasn’t budged!

GM: His eyes are rolling, but he’s still standing–oohh, Miz tried again and got nailed with a heavy clothesline! Going for the cover, he only gets a count of two. Didn’t hook the leg.

JV: Well, I don’t think they teach wrestling 101 down in the swamps, Monsoon.

GM: That should still be an instinct against any opponent as Heidenreich continues to hammer Miz with closed fists, get in there, referee.

JV: That’s Heidenreich’s style, an uncontrollable brawler. He’s an ideal henchman for Irwin R. Schyster.

GM: Easy to see why as Heidenreich corners The Miz–wow, did you hear that chop?!

JV: Smack of the flesh echos throughout Trump Plaza! Trashbag Braxton can hear it all the way from the dumpster out back!

GM: Would you please? Heidenreich whips Miz across, follows up–ohh, Miz moves, and Heidenreich smashes the buckle!

JV: Miz with an opening here as Heidenreich is dazed–Miz follows up with a dropkick, but he still can’t bring big Heidenreich to the mat!

GM: Miz, the Southpaw, hammering away, trying to get this monster off his feet, hasn’t done it yet.

JV: What–HE’S BITING HIM!

GM: The Miz having a late lunch, biting the face of Heidenreich! That’s a wake-up call for ya!

JV: Why would you wanna big Heidenreich mad?!

GM: Miz continuing to hammer away, maybe trying to draw blood from–wow, Heidenreich just FLOORED him with a big right hand!

JV: It’s been all fisticuffs so far, referee John Bonello needs to step in and keep it a wrestling match. Especially for Miz’s sake!

GM: Heidenreich not done yet, he’s setting up Miz, possibly going for that shoulderbreaker he favors.

JV: No, continuing to turn this into a boxing match, there’s a shot to the jaw, now picking him up–

GM: Ohh, drops Miz throat-first on that top rope! He clotheslined him off of the strand! Going for the cover, is it–no, still only two!

JV: Heidenreich’s thrown everything he can think of at Miz, except for that shoulderbreaker, here in the early going.

GM: He’s got an idea of some sort, he’s lifting Miz over his shoulder now. Uh oh, he’s pointing at that turnbuckle! Could be going upstairs!

JV: Miz won’t survive this fall, I don’t think!

GM: Heidenreich may be going for a superplex, looking to finish this one off and meet The Black Scorpion in the–Miz firing back, he’s staggering Heidenreich!

JV: He’s tenacious, that Miz, he’s got Heidenreich reeling!

GM: A big left to the kisser, and Heidenreich stumbles off the ropes! Still not off his feet as of–OOH, DOWN HE GOES!

JV: Miz flies in with a diving clothesline, he may have–no, just a two count! Wow, that was close!

GM: The Miz, coming back with that flying clothesline, certainly surprised Heidenreich, that’s for sure! What’s going to happen if Heidenreich fails to eliminate The Miz, will IRS be displeased or what?

JV: I imagine there’ll be some penance in order, knowing Schyster, as Miz now, drops a knee across the forehead!

GM: Not used to seeing Heidenreich off his feet like this, as Miz lands another knee, can he get–no, count of two.

JV: Miz has softened Heidenreich up, though, and it could be time for that Skull Crushing Finale. Can he manage to wrap the monster up in it, though?

GM: Miz not done, he senses Heidenreich has a lot of fight left–wow, what an inverted atomic drop!

JV: Surprised he got Heidenreich airborne, even for the split second needed! And a big clothesline takes Heidenreich off his feet again!

GM: Miz may be getting ready for it, that Skull Crushing Finale, let’s see if he’s strong enough to get the full nelson, the first part, on Heidenreich!

JV: This ain’t gonna be easy, there’s too–see, Heidenreich powering free–WOAH!

GM: Heidenreich just snapped Miz over, and the referee got taken down!

JV: No ref! Now we’ll see what they do!

GM: Heidenreich now going for that shoulderbr–no, Miz with a backdrop and a beauty!

JV: All instinct from the Miz–where’s Heidenreich going?!

GM: Heidenreich leaves the ring, over to the timekeeper’s position–getting a chair, and there’s still no referee! Actually, it looks he’s stirring, this could be a mistake on Heidenreich’s part!

JV: Heidenreich has to hurry if he’s going to get this in before John Bonello wakes up! Ohh, Miz grabs the chair! They’re having a tug of war!

GM: Bonello finally to his feet, he sees the chair! Does he know who brought–

JV: WOAH!

GM: Bonello tried to grab the chair, and they swung him to the mat from the struggle!

JV: A hard landing for the–ohh, he’s calling for the bell!

GM: Miz pulls the chair, and he nails Heidenreich in the ribcage with it!

JV: What’s the decision?!

HF: Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has ruled that both men are disqualified! This match is a double disqualification!

GM: WOW, both men have been eliminated from the tournament! The Black Scorpion’s on his way to the semi-finals!

JV: That’s right!

GM: Scorpion with the break of a lifetime as The Miz protesting to the official, saying he didn’t bring the chair into the ring. It’s going to fall on deaf ears I’m afraid!

JV: Heidenreich’s gone as well, but for IRS’ sake, at least Miz–WHAT THE?!

GM: Ohhh, The Miz just bashed the referee in the head with that chair!

JV: He should be suspended! He assaulted a WrestleCrap official, and did so flagrantly!

GM: Miz now appealing to the fans, not getting many cheers I’m afraid!

JV: Yeah, why would people cheer for a man who’s been known to do sinister things time and time again, when he’s done nothing to redeem himself! And then he keeps DOING those things?! What a moron!

GM: A double-disqualification ends this one; right now, let’s take you to Sean Mooney, standing by with Saba Simba, and The Ugandan Giant, Kamala!

SM: I’m here with Saba Simba and “The Ugandan Giant” Kamala, the latter of whom has revenge on his mind! Saba, you’ve been training with Kamala here in preparation for this tense battle. Have you been able to get him to focus on anything but Slick?

SS: Ever since this match was signed, my man Kamala here has been champin’ at the bit to get his hands on that filthy ingrate, The Slug-ster! If you don’t wanna manage Kamala anymore, you tell him like a MAN, but you’re not a man, are you, Slick? For nearly four months, Kamala’s had his mind set on hurting Slick, and breaking every bone in his skinny body! But to answer your question, Kamala knows that he must bring down those fat goons Akeem and the Angel first! When that happens, there ain’t no shield protecting Slick, and he will feel Kamala’s wrath!

(Kamala lets out a battle howl)

GM: I wouldn’t wanna be in Slickster’s shoes when the time comes for that handicap match, I’ve got news for ya!

JV: Hey, ya never know; maybe the Slickster’s been working on his in-ring abilities!

GM: Gimme a break!

JV: He could surprise you out there with some Hackenschmidt-like offense!

GM: Let’s throw it up to Howard.

HF: The following contest is a first round tournament match. Introducing first, currently in the ring, from Parts Unknown, weighing 403 lbs, MAN-TAUR!

mantaur

GM: It’s up to Mantaur to get at least one more Schyster Family member into the quarterfinals. After Heidenreich got himself disqualified just moments ago.

*cue “Pomp and Circumstance (Metal Mix)”*

GM: And listen to this response!

HF: His opponent, from Topeka, KS, weighing in at 242 lbs, “The PINK Uh-sass-in”, BLADE BRAX-TON!

GM: Blade Braxton, making his way toward the ring for this opening round match-up, boy does he have his work cut out for em!

JV: Yeah, that’s 400 lbs of Mantaur he’s gotta go toe to toe with. It’s different in a tag team match, but there ain’t no Real Deal on the apron to extend a hand to! He’s gotta do it on his own here.

blade

GM: Take a look at Blade Braxton, boy does he look ready!

JV: He’d better be; that’s an absolute animal he’s in there with, and he’ll have no remorse whatsoever. I’m sure IRS has given Mantaur strict orders not to let this clown advance!

GM: You know, ever since Blade Braxton, and for that matter RD Reynolds, began piling up victories here in WrestleCrap, you’ve really had it out for them! You’re supposed to be impartial out here!

JV: Hey, I call it like I see it: these two goofs have been a black mark on this sport for a long time, and I’m waiting for the day that they realize they have no place in it!

GM: There’s the bell, as we work to bring this first round to a close–ooh, Braxton faked a lock-up, and caught Mantaur between the eyes with an elbow!

JV: Braxton suckering Mantaur in, continuing to pile on punch after punch! This the problem Miz had with Heidenreich, getting the monster off his feet!

GM: Braxton off the ropes–double sledge, and he’s got Mantaur staggered!

JV: It’s been all Braxton thus far, I can’t believe it!

GM: Braxton off the ropes–he gets nailed with a hard shot from Mantaur! Almost knocked him right out of his boots!

JV: Mantaur wasn’t gonna be Braxton’s punching bag for two long–WHAM, what a knee drop! It could be all over!

GM: Two count only, Braxton able to get the shoulder up!

JV: Mantaur just needs to lean on em, keep bringing the fight. Braxton can’t have too much wind in his sails.

GM: Actually, if you recall, both of these men lasted nearly 40 minutes in this year’s Royal Rumble, Jess. Mantaur now with Braxton in the buckle–aww, just drove his weight into him backward! He’s trying to flatten him against the corner!

JV: Mantaur, all that beef, oh and he rams him again! Braxton gasping for air!

GM: Well, Blade Braxton certainly won’t last much longer if he stays in this predicament, you’ll be able to stick a fork in em.

JV: Mantaur just might!

GM: Mantaur sends Braxton across, here he comes–

JV: Woah, Braxton got the knees up and Mantaur takes em to the sternum!

GM: Braxton with a quick-thinking counter, now he’s headed upstairs. Mantaur, not aware–oh, now he is–Braxton with the double axe handle, and Mantaur drops to a knee!

JV: I can’t believe it!

GM: Braxton now, dragging the massive Mantaur to the ropes, what’s he doing here? Looks to be laying Mantaur across that middle rope, now building a head of steam–

JV: Braxton with a leap across the back of Mantaur! Taking turns knocking the wind out of each other!

GM: Mantaur slumps to the mat and Braxton–drops a knee, going for the cover–no, only two. So very close!

JV: Braxton’s regained control, and I certainly didn’t think he would.

GM: Well, perhaps you continue to underestimate him, Jess.

JV: Well….

GM: Braxton driving his knee into the ear, the temple of Mantaur, doing everything he can to keep the behemoth grounded.

JV: Absolutely, Mantaur can only put the lean on ya when he’s vertical.

GM: Braxton hammering away, but Mantaur is slowly getting to his feet anyway, unbelievable! He’s taking everything Braxton can dish out!

JV: Now the monster’s mad, Braxton’s only angered him!

GM: Braxton throwing chops, but Mantaur’s not fazed! Or he’s just shaking them off to intimidate Braxton!

JV: I’ll admit, it takes a lot to spook Blade Braxton and–wow, Mantaur’s got em up!

GM: Mantaur caught Braxton’s charge, and he’s got em up with a two-handed choke! Referee counting, and Mantaur spikes Braxton on the count of four!

JV: Braxton hit that mat hard, and Mantaur–drops the big elbow!

GM: Going for the cover–close, but only two!

JV: Mantaur really used Braxton’s momentum against him on that move, and now Mantaur sending Braxton to the outside.

GM: Well, a count-out’ll end it, but Mantaur’s following him out, so that’s not his intention, at least I don’t *think* it is.

JV: Braxton trying to get to his feet, think Mantaur’s waiting for him–wow, he just plowed right into Braxton, knocking him into the railing!

GM: Braxton right into the steel, and he may be done!

JV: Looked like he went chest first into that security railing, he appears to still be awake, but I don’t think nobody’s home!

GM: Mantaur now, not done, picking up Braxton as the count’s up to four–OHH. He just rammed him back first right into that ringpost!

JV: Nearly broke Braxton in half with that battering ram-like move! He’s gonna finish this in the ring, forget the countout!

GM: Braxton rolled back inside with Mantaur on his heels. It’s not looking good at all for Blade Braxton, in the least.

JV: Mantaur in complete control, dragging a hurt Braxton to the center of the ring. May be looking for that coup de gras sooner rather than later. Off the ropes–ohh, and he misses the elbow drop!

GM: Took too long measuring Braxton, and there was no water in the pool! Braxton using the ropes to get to his feet!

JV: I tell ya, whoever wins this, it’s not looking good for them in the remaining rounds!

GM: Braxton now, firing right hands at the head of Mantaur, bouncing them off the skull! Mantaur looking winded!

JV: He’s gotta get Mantaur off his feet, Braxton, if he’s gonna pull this off!

GM: Braxton off the ropes–no, Mantaur scoops him up!

JV: Mantaur with Braxton over his shoulder, this could be a powerslam!

GM: Braxton, flailing, kicking those legs–ohh, down the back goes Braxton–LOOK AT THIS!

JV: HE JUST SLAMMED MANTAUR!

GM: Blade Braxton with an unbelievable show of strength, Mantaur may be more surprised than hurt! And look, Braxton headed to the top! Bombs away–YES, Braxton with the Flying Elbow! Hooks the leg!

JV: HE GOT EM!

GM: Braxton follows up the stunning bodyslam with the Flying Elbow; let’s get the official word!

HF: Here is your winner, BLADE BRAX-TON!

GM: Let’s see how this happened!

JV: Well, Mantaur has Braxton up for a slam, but Braxton shimmies down the back, and then surprises more than just Mantaur, maybe even himself, by slamming the 400-pound monster! At that point, the Flying Elbow was academic, 1-2-3, and Blade Braxton’s in the quarterfinals!

GM: Real Deal Reynolds no doubt proud of his best friend; he’s standing by with Mean Gene!

GO: Joining me, perhaps the strongest force in ALL of WrestleCrap! Real Deal Reynolds, come on in here, you appear to be in the best shape of your life as you get ready to do battle with Irwin R Schyster in the quarterfinal! You’ve wanted IRS one on one for several months now, what about it?!

RD: Well, as you’re likely aware but will receive a reminder anyway, Mean Gene, it’s been nearly four months since IRS and his big stinky nasty wart-infested Schyster Family poked their noses into WrestleCrap, attacking Brother Blade and I, man! We haven’t forgotten what the Schyster Family started, brother, and we intend to finish the fight tonight! I’m already proud that Brother Blade took care of that big warthog Mantaur, and that that Heidenreich dude already eliminated himself, brother. That means that when I take Irwin R Schyster, and plant him in the ground, the Schyster Family’s out of the picture, man! But it isn’t gonna be your garden variety wrestling lesson here in Atlantic City, brother! I surveyed the coastline here in Atlantic County, from Brigantine all the way down to Longport, and I’m just worried that when I slam Irwin R Schyster with the force I’ve been saving special for him, that Atlantic County may break off of New Jersey, and plunge into the ocean, man! Everything will fall in, from Trump Plaza to Harrah’s to Caesar’s, all the way to the Hamilton Mall, man! And when IRS is hanging off of the bloated body of Mantaur like in Titanic, The Real Deal and Blade Braxton will speed by on our jet skis and smash the Schyster Family to smithereens, for all the sharks to consume! AND WATCHA GONNA DO, SCHYSTER FAMILY, WHEN THE MEGA CRAPPERS GIVE YOUR WRESTLECRAPMANIA MOMENT TO YEWWWWW?!?!

trump

JV: There’s a good shot of my buddy, Donald Trump! I hope RD Reynolds don’t break off Trump Plaza and send it into the ocean; Trump’s got the best lawyers money can buy on retainer!

GM: Will you be serious? The first round’s coming to an end, let’s get right to it!

HF: The following contest is a first round tournament match. Currently in the ring, from Norfolk, VA, weighing 384 lbs, The SHOCK-master!

shock

GM: The Shockmaster, a tough customer in his own right, nearly 400 lbs!

JV: Real Deal may wanna watch his words; this could be Blade Braxton’s next opponent!

*cue “Turkey in the Straw” by Jim Johnston*

GM: And here he comes!

HF: His opponent, from Parts Unknown, weighing 228 lbs, The GOBB-LE-DY GOO-KER!

GM: The Gobbledy Gooker, a crowd favorite, squaring off with The Shockmaster to round out the first round of the World Title tournament! The winner indeed goes one on one with Blade Braxton in the quarterfinals, and I know you’d love for Shockmaster to be the one!

JV: His history with Braxton is well-documented, and it’d be great to see IRS bounce Reynolds out of here, and Shockmaster crush Braxton on the same night!

GM: Well, would you settle for the Gooker eliminating Braxton?

JV: Heh, I suppose.

gooker

GM: The Gooker, uncharacteristically not putting his dance stylings on display; he’s focused on that championship for certain.

JV: Well, yeah, as focused as an overgrown turkey could POSSIBLY be.

GM: We’re underway here, as The Gooker sizes up the much larger Shockmaster. He’s gonna need to use that speed, that quickness, to try and wear the big man down.

JV: Absolutely, if he gets caught in Shockmaster’s grasp, this could be over quick.

GM: Gooker–ohh, he went for a charge, and Shockmaster hurled him back into the corner!

JV: That’s what I’m talking about, speed vs. strength. If Shockmaster can beat em without moving much, that’ll–

GM: Ohh, Gooker ducks under a clothesline, and what a dropkick, he’s got Shockmaster flailing!

JV: Gooker firing dropkicks like bullets, he’s rocking Shockmaster–oooh, that one caught em on the chin!

GM: Gobbledy Gooker now, to that second rope–diving forearm smash–and Shockmaster goes down! Knocked off his feet!

JV: I can’t believe it! Gooker with the cover–not even a two count!

GM: Shockmaster, probably more surprised than hurt by The Gooker’s sudden assault, is really coming under fire as the Gooker now–wow, a low dropkick to the side of the head!

JV: Almost a baseball slide, with Shockmaster’s head as third base!

GM: Gooker really needs to stay on em, keep Shockmaster grounded as he heads up. Could be going for that Frog Splash already!

JV: It’d be an upset!

GM: Gooker off the–WOAHHH, Shockmaster with the knees up!

JV: What great awareness on the part of Shockmaster, raising the knees at the last second to get Gooker apparently in the ribcage! And we can’t tell how bad Gooker’s hurting because we can’t see his face!

GM: Gooker with the wind knocked out of em, wheezing in that corner as Shockmaster–ohhh, avalanches him against the post!

JV: Gooker made into a hot turkey sandwich with that body press!

GM: Oh, you’re a riot, you know that?

JV: Hey, it wrote itself! I’d be remiss if I didn’t make that quip!

GM: Shockmaster sending Gooker back across, could be more of the–ohhh, he tripped!

JV: The Shockmaster fell right on his face! He’s had this problem for many, many years, he’s known to be klutzy!

GM: Gooker with an opening–wow, what a head kick to the dome of Shockmaster!

JV: Did he EVER measure him for that one, WOW! I’m amazed Shockmaster’s still conscious after that!

GM: Gooker going for the cover, rolling Shockmaster, only a count of two! I think the time it took to roll Shockmaster over might’ve cost him that third drop of the hand, Jess.

JV: I gotta agree, Shockmaster may have been able to kick out, but his noggin’s still ringin’ from that kick right behind the ear.

GM: Gooker with Shockmaster cornered, throwing some kicks at him, trying to work over the midsection of this large individual.

JV: I have to question if those shoes the Gooker’s wearing are even legal wrestling attire. They’re pointy where they shouldn’t be; they’re shaped like turkey feet, for cryin’ out loud!

GM: Well, why don’t you go down there and apply to be a referee! Gooker now setting up–wow, what a running roundhouse kick, and Shockmaster is still up! After all that Gooker’s thrown his way!

JV: Shockmaster might have the greatest endurance of anyone in WrestleCrap, as Gooker now–ohh, he went for a second one, and Shockmaster ducked!

GM: Gooker crashes and burns after missing that spinning kick! May have knocked the wind out of himself on that one–uh oh, Shockmaster with a bear hug applied!

JV: This is the set-up!

GM: Shockmaster elevates him and drives him down with that front sidewalk slam! You can forget about this one!

JV: It’s Shockmaster and Braxton in the semi-finals! The Mega Crappers have a double dose of trouble waiting!

HF: Here is your winner, the SHOCK-master!

GM: Let’s go down and see how this ending came to be!

JV: First we see the Gobbledy Gooker sail over Shockmaster with that missed kick. That’s the prelude to Shockmaster applying that bear hug, lifting a stunned Gooker up in that crunch, and crushing him further with that hard impact, the front spinebuster! Braxton won’t be able to survive one of those, I guarantee ya!

GM: Let’s go to Mean Gene Okerlund, who has an update on the tournament brackets!

GO: Folks, it’s been a wild ride thus far in the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Championship Tournament. Five men survived past the first round, while The Black Scorpion gets to skip the quarterfinals entirely, thanks to the disqualification rendered between Miz and Heidenreich! Take a look if you would at our updated tournament brackets.

brack2

GO: The quarterfinals promise to electrify everyone here in attendance at Trump Plaza this afternoon, and feature only the very finest in all of WrestleCrap. RD Reynolds and Irwin R Schyster is set to kick off a little while from now, while the matchups between Mike Awesome and The Dragon, and that of Blade Braxton and The Shockmaster, will also shape the semi-finals in a very prestigious way! It’s hard to pick a winner in this one, as the tournament field is cut in half from fourteen to seven! The action is hot and heavy; Gorilla and Jesse, back to you!

*cue “Million Dollar Rap” by Jim Johnston*

GM: The quarterfinals of the WrestleCrap World Championship tournament are on the way in just a little while, but for right now, let’s send it down to Howard!

HF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, accompanied by his bodyguard Virgil, making his spring residence in Fukuoka, Japan, weighing in at 254 lbs, here is “The Million Loonie Man” Sean CAR-less!

GM: Sean Carless, making his way toward the ring accompanied by Virgil. Where did Howard say he was currently living?

JV: Fukuoka, Japan. There’s quite a red light district there, I understand.

GM: You know what, I’d rather you didn’t elaborate on that. I’m of the opinion that Carless is a deplorable human being, and only those last two words don’t really apply!

JV: What, he’s a millionaire magnate with lots of employees across the globe!

GM: Yeah, but what do his employees do, Jess? And how much are they paid?

JV: I guess that’s his business, isn’t it?

GM: Yeah, right. “The Million Loonie Man”, I’ll say this much, he’s in incredible shape, keeping himself very trim. He’ll need his endurance to hang with the energetic Super Eric here at WrestleCrapMania this afternoon.

mlm

JV: I think he’ll be just fine. All that money, even after the exchange rate, bought him a wealth of in-ring knowledge!

*cue “Superhero” by Dale Oliver*

HF: His opponent, from Metropolis, weighing 225 lbs, SU-per ER-ic!

GM: Take a look if you would at Super Eric, WrestleCrap’s resident superhero!

eric

JV: What’s this clown ever done to qualify as a superhero anyway? He don’t have X-ray vision, does he? He’s barely qualified to rescue a cat out of a tree!

GM: You’ll recall a few weeks ago that Super Eric came to the rescue of Aldo Montoya, the Portuguese Man O’War, as Sean Carless refused to release that Wet Loonie Dream on em! If you ask me, that’s heroic in my book!

JV: Super Eric had no right meddling in Sean Carless’ business affairs. If he wants to punish Montoya between the ropes, that’s up to him, Gino! Bottom line is Super Eric’s a parasite, and he’s not in The Million Loonie Man’s league!

GM: We’ll find out here shortly just what Super Eric is made of, and for that matter what The Million Loonie Man is made of as well.

JV: Guarantee you, it’s higher stock than what Super Eric’s composed of!

GM: That will be determined as we’re under way, the bell’s gone, and these two are about to go at it. Eric, of course, has to keep an eye on that stooge Virgil as well.

JV: Stooge?!

GM: Yeah, I said it! Carless with a side headlock applied, putting a little mustard on it as he lays the bad mouth in from–oh, Eric sends him into the ropes–dropkick misses, Carless holds onto the ropes!

JV: Hah, Carless is outsmartin’ em already! And look, he could be setting up for the Dream!

GM: Eric may have bumped his head as Carless is waiting for him to get up–he’s trying to apply that hold–no, Eric runs em backfirst into the turnbuckles!

JV: Yeah, a little too early there, but Carless had the right idea, try and finish as fast as you can.

GM: Eric now–wow, what a knife-edge chop on Sean Carless!

JV: Yeesh, they could hear that all the way from the roulette tables! Eric hammering away, and Carless needs to get outta that corner!

GM: Super Eric with an Irish Whip–ohh, flies in with a clothesline immediately after!

JV: I can’t believe what I’m seein’ so far!

GM: Super Eric now, aww, what a nice reverse crescent kick! Carless is down, and Super Eric’s headed to the top rope, not wasting any time!

JV: This would be a colossal upset if he could defeat–wait, Virgil’s on the apron!

GM: Get that spineless ingrate down from there, ref, he’s–ohh, look out! Carless sprung up from the canvas, and knocked Super Eric to the floor! I suppose you’re gonna condone that!

JV: Hey, Virgil never touched Super Eric! Apparently, his little super hero toolbelt doesn’t have anything for steely focus!

GM: Carless following Super Eric to the outside, he’s regained control under dubious means, and he’s setting up Eric now–wow, what a clothesline! He really measured that one!

JV: I tell you, Sean Carless is highly calculating; he has a very predatorial streak when he’s in action.

GM: Truer words never spoken, Jess.

JV: Referee’s count was up to six, but Carless rolled in and back out. He wants to have a little fun breaking down this masked moron!

GM: Certainly taking his time–wow, slammed Super Eric’s head into the ring apron, bouncing his face off of it–and look, he’s going back to the Dream–NO, Eric dropped down and Carless is pulled head-first into the post!

JV: Super Eric with a smart counter, and I think Carless is dazed! Now Super Eric’s headed back in, he might take a countout victory!

GM: Super Eric looking down on Carless, who’s still clutching at his forehead–WOAH, look out! Eric slingshots up and over, flattening Carless on the outside!

JV: Super Eric taking advantage of a dazed Carless, and adds a high-risk move to the barrage! This is not looking good for Sean Carless at all!

GM: Super Eric firing Carless back under the ropes, he’s going for the cover–two–no, only two! That hand was coming down for three, though!

JV: Carless needs to regroup, and do it fast.

GM: Maybe he needs to try and bribe Super Eric into taking a dive. I doubt Super Eric would stoop so low to accept it, though.

JV: Hey, every man has a price, even the king of the dorks here!

GM: Super Eric, wow, what a swinging neckbreaker, could be softening him up for his own neckbreaker specialty, the Youngblood Neckbreaker. Carless is just lost out there!

JV: Well, I think he’s still dizzy from hitting the post, you don’t just–hey, Carless with a double-leg, he’s cradling Eric!

GM: Carless with the ropes! Still only a count of two! Carless tried to steal one, and it didn’t pay off!

JV: Carless with a running elbow to the jaw of Super Eric, it DID create an opening for The Million Loonie Man, however! Effective use of flagrant cheating, you can admit that much!

GM: No room for that at all here in WrestleCrap. Carless now, looking for perhaps a piledriver, this could be all. Lifts–no, Eric doesn’t go up.

JV: And Super Eric counters with a backdrop!

GM: Super Eric found an escape, and Carless loses the advantage! A flying forearm smash, and Carless is back on the canvas!

JV: Super Eric back in control, he’s closing in, I can’t believe I’m saying it! I don’t know much more The Mill–hey!

GM: Awww, Super Eric ran the ropes, and Virgil just tripped em! What a disgusting act!

JV: Super Eric’s making a mistake, he’s got a hold of Virgil! He needs to stay focused on Sean Car–SEE?!

GM: Carless with a running knee to the back! He rolls up Super Er–HE’S GOT THE TIGHTS!

JV: HE GOT EM! REF DIDN’T SEE IT, AND SEAN CARLESS WINS IT!

GM: What a miscarriage of justice THAT was!

HF: Here is your winner, The Million Loonie Man, Sean CAR-less!

JV: Sean Carless victorious, I told you he would outsmart that cape-wearing moron! You can’t outsmart a thinking man like The Million Loonie Man!

GM: Well, The Million Loonie Man needs to split that winner’s purse down the middle with Virgil, if not give him most of the loot. They just robbed Super Eric here at WrestleCrapMania, and you can’t deny it!

JV: What does it matter! Sean Carless and I are hitting up the blackjack tables when all’s said and done tonight!

GM: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re about to kick off the quarterfinals of the WrestleCrap World Championship Tournament, and it will be RD Reynolds and Irwin R. Schyster leading the bill! Let’s go back and show you the history of the turmoil between these two superstars!

(SATURDAY NIGHT’S MEME EVENT, DECEMBER 21)

VM: Certainly so, we’ll find out later on tonight the first ten entrants into the WrestleCrap Royal Rumble, as Reynolds and Braxton continue to entertain this capacity crowd!

JV: A couple of showoffs are what they are, you don’t–

*lights go out*

VM: Hey, what happened to the lights?

JV: Beats me, maybe some–

*weird video and sound effects begin to play on the video wall*

VM: What the heck? What is that?

*the weirdness in the video subsides, as a man in a rocking chair, surrounded by darkness, is shown*

irwyatt

IRS: I don’t….audit people out of cruelty, but instead I’m driven by honesty. Folks think they can take shortcuts, slithering through the weeds like common garter snakes, going undetected while their neighbors take the time to pay their fair share. That is not honesty, but rather selfishness. And it’s my job to restore this prudence, this good judgment in these misguided mongrels. It’s my entrusted duty to say wake up, wake up–

(standing)

IRS: WAKE UP! TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU AND SEE THE WORLD YOU’RE CREATING, MAN! Streets need to be repaired and children need school! But you don’t SEE that! You see your luxuries and your excess, and you put yourself before the government in thinking you know what’s best for you! But I know deep in my churning heart that this will continue until I confront the thieves and the whores and the liars, and inform them one by one….that this isn’t the beginning….heh heh heh….

(leans in)

IRS: It’s the end! HAHAHAHA!

(darkness for a beat, suddenly interrupted by Irwin R Schyster holding up a briefcase that somehow emits light, with a cow-masked man and a crazed-looking blonde man behind him)

IRS: We’re here!

(briefcase light is extinguished)

*JUMP AHEAD*

JV: AND MANTAUR AND HEIDENREICH ARE ON THE ATTACK!

VM: Heidenreich going after the worn down Blade Braxton, while Mantaur sandwiches Reynolds in the corner! What is the meaning of this?!

JV: Heidenreich throttles Braxton and slams him down to the mat while Mantaur puts the boots to Reyn–woah, Reynolds fighting back!

VM: RD Reynolds to his feet, hammering away on Mantaur! He’s got the big beast reeling! Heidenreich over and Reynolds with a right hand! With both men–RAMS THEIR HEADS TOGETHER!

JV: I can’t believe it, RD Reynolds is taking–WOAH!

VM: Irwin R. Schyster just nailed Reynolds from behind with that briefcase! Reynolds may be unconscious!

JV: Heidenreich and Mantaur putting the boots to RD Reynolds while Schyster looks on with wide-eyed approval! This is unbelievable!

VM: Now they’re bringing Reynolds to the outside, please get someone down here! They’re going to attempt to injure Reynolds, and you know it! We need some officials!

JV: Mantaur and Heidenreich are holding Reynolds, they’ve got em by the arms!

VM: Schyster–SMASHES THE BRIEFCASE INTO REYNOLDS’ FACE! THIS IS HORRIBLE!

(ROYAL RUMBLE, JANUARY 19)

JV: Out of nowhere, Reynolds planted Heidenreich with the Mic Check, and IRS is in trouble! Reynolds staring him down!

GM: Reynolds running after em–HE’S GOT EM! And now Reynolds is trying to dump him out!

JV: IRS isolated and he’s-MANTAUR!

GM: AWWW, MANTAUR REACHED UP AND PULLED REYNOLDS OUT TO THE FLOOR! He was still at ringside, and he just saved IRS! Come on!

JV: Real Deal Reynolds is out of here, and he’s livid! Going right after Mantaur right out at ringside!

(SATURDAY NIGHT’S MEME EVENT, MARCH 8)

RD: Where is he! Get out here, Schyster!

VM: That–that’s Real Deal Reynolds, but where is he?!

JV: I think he’s in the parking garage! Has he been chasing Irwin R. Schyster this entire time?!

RD: Come on, IRS! I ain’t waiting for WrestleCrapMania! Show yourself!

JV: He’s armed with a lead pipe! Real Deal’s a crazy man!

VM: He’s not going to rest until–LOOK OUT!

JV: Oooh, Reynolds nailed em! Mantaur tried to attack!

VM: Mantaur was trying to jump Reynolds, but the Real Deal got em in the gut with that pipe!

JV: Will somebody call the police, or at least get security out there?!

VM: Reynolds has left Mantaur in a heap, I can’t–

IRS: REYNOLDS!

VM: Wait, where’s that coming from?

lantern

IRS: I’m right here, Reynolds! I’m what you seek!

JV: It’s IRS! He’s daring Reynolds to bring it on!

VM: And Reynolds is running at him! This is going to get ugly, we may–

car

VM: What is that?!

JV: That car–IT’S HEADED FOR REYNOLDS!

VM: LOOK OUT!

JV: Ohhhhh! I think Reynolds JUST jumped out of the way!

VM: I can’t believe what we just saw, that car tried to run over RD Reynolds!

GM: Huh! More than just advancement in the World Championship tournament is on the mind of RD Reynolds here; he wants to hurt IRS in the absolute worst way!

JV: And we don’t even know who was driving that car that was speedin’ for Reynolds!

HF: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time to begin….the quarterfinals of the WrestleCrap World Championship tournament!

GM: Here we go, what a match to kick it off with!

HF: The following quarterfinal match is scheduled for one fall.

*lights out*

JV: Spooky, huh, Monsoon?

*cue “Live in Fear” by Mark Crozer*

HF: Introducing first, from Parts Unknown, weighing 248 lbs, IR-win R SCHY-ster!

GM: IRS making his entrance under the cover of darkness here at Trump Plaza.

JV: Yeah, but he’s providing his own light. A guiding light to the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Championship!

irsbray

GM: That certainly remains to be seen; his opponent has no intention of letting him survive this match in any capacity, I got news for you!

JV: It’s going to be an ugly match; I don’t expect no armdrags or takedowns in this one.

GM: Definitely not! Well, there’ll be takedowns, just not of the amateur variety.

JV: Hah, I’d figure as much. Ya think Reynolds will try and beat it out of IRS, asking him who was driving that car on Saturday Night’s Meme Event?

GM: I think he deserves an answer, don’t you?

JV: Well, yeah, it’s gotta be killing Reynolds not to know!

GM: IRS, this creep, he loves the spectacle, doesn’t he?

*lights on*

JV: It has its effect, but I’ll concede, I don’t expect Reynolds to be intimidated one bit by any of the horror show.

GM: ABSOLUTELY not!

*cue “Hip to Be Square” by Huey Lewis and the News*

GM: AND LISTEN TO THIS RESPONSE!

HF: His opponent, from Indianapolis, IN, weighing 260 lbs, REAL DEAL REY-NOLDS!

GM: The Trump Plaza has literally exploded in response to the arrival of most beloved superstar in all of WrestleCrap, Real Deal Reynolds!

JV: All that love ain’t gonna be enough to beat Irwin R Schyster; he’s gotta get it done between the ropes, and it ain’t gonna be easy!

rdhulk

GM: Reynolds has the support of the 20,000+ on hand, he can draw strength–and look at this! IRS jumps him before the bell!

JV: Here we go, IRS not wasting any time!

GM: The match hadn’t even started! Give me a break! IRS hammering away on Reynolds with rights and lefts, but–ohh, I don’t think Reynolds is fazed!

JV: IRS just now realizin’ that Reynolds is shaking off the blows like nothing! Oh, Reynolds with a big right hand!

GM: Reynolds slamming his fist between the eyes of Irwin R. Schyster, who’s getting rocked with each ensuing blow! Holy smokes, IRS’ head just snapped back on that one!

JV: IRS needs to regroup, as Reynolds sends him into the ropes–Reynolds charges in with another closed fist!

GM: IRS falls through the ropes as Reynolds is standing tall! Finally tearing the t-shirt off after a wild beginning to this bout!

JV: Irwin tried to come out of the chute with a sneak attack–

GM: A real Pearl Harbor job!

JV: Yeah. And yeah, Reynolds wasn’t going to stand for that for very long. IRS is still clearing the cobwebs out at ringside!

GM: Reynolds to the outside now, he’s not content to win via countout, nor is he done dishing out punishment to Schyster. Look out!

JV: Ohh, he went to the eyes! Referee Joey Marella needs to step in there before RD Reynolds goes too far!

GM: Reynolds now, he sends IRS right into the ring post! Holy smokes, this is getting ugly in a heartbeat!

JV: IRS is lucky if he’s not concussed after hitting the post! Reynolds is a maniac out there, and he’s taking this too far!

GM: Ohh, and trying to run him down with a car is within reason?!

JV: Hey, IRS wasn’t driving it, was he?!

GM: Reynolds sending IRS back in; no, he may not have been driving, but he was setting the trap, and you know it! He was in on it from the start!

JV: You can’t fully prove that, can you? Hopefully, Reynolds can turn this into a *wrestling* match going forward!

GM: Real Deal now, setting up Schyster, atomic drop–woah, did he get all of it!

JV: IRS is in trouble here, and Reynolds isn’t lettin’ up. Of course, much of Reynolds’ output has been in bending the rules so far, all of it flagrant!

GM: Reynolds off the ropes–running elbow between the eyes! And IRS gets laid out flat!

JV: Reynolds could be looking for the early win, if he wants it! He needs to put the title first, or does he even care about it?!

GM: Reynolds setting up, looks like it could be a piledriv–OH, did you see THAT?

JV: IRS went downstairs on Reynolds! Referee Joey Marella missed it!

GM: I have no idea how he coulda missed that, but Schyster has Reynolds down, there’s a cover–only two, but that was a close call!

JV: And now Schyster going to work with some right hands! I guarantee you, Reynolds ain’t gonna shake *these* off like they’re rain drops!

GM: Real Deal still with the wind knocked out of him, in a real bad way here as IRS continues to go to work. Now laying in some knees to the back of the neck.

JV: Incredible how fast the tide turned here; Schyster with one move–

GM: A very DESPERATE move!

JV: Yes, granted, but it’s shifted the pendulum the other way and he’s got Reynolds at his peril. Look at this, setting him up–textbook snap suplex on The Deal!

GM: Going for the cover–only a two count, didn’t have the leg hooked properly!

JV: A little lax, I agree, but Schyster now, dropping some elbows to the chest and neck, building up a head of steam. He’s fueled by the Reynolds assault from earlier, I think!

GM: Could be the case, but he’s also a sick man, if you couldn’t tell. Schyster now, continuing to work over Real Deal Reynolds, setting him up in the corner–wow, what an uppercut *that* was!

JV: It found its mark, and Reynolds is dazed!

GM: IRS now lifting Reynolds over his shoulder, where’s he taking him?

JV: IRS is walking him back to the middle of the ring, not sure what–OHH!

GM: Drops him with a big spinebuster, this could be it! NO, just a two count again!

JV: Irwin R Schyster, he’s not getting frustrated. He knows he’s in the driver’s seat, and now where’s he going?

GM: Reynolds still down as IRS goes to the corner–what is THIS?!

JV: He’s arching himself back, is that a crabwalk?!

GM: Irwin R Schyster going back into a bridge, and now walking toward Reynolds, who is still dazed on the canvas!

JV: You’re right, Monsoon, this guy is waaaay creepy! But there must be a method to this madness!

GM: Reynolds is trying to stir, as IRS approaches. He’s wasting valuable time with this, give me a break!

JV: Well, let’s see what he does, he’s a bit of a mastermind in his own right–Reynolds is up now, but he doesn’t see what IRS is–

GM: Woah, IRS rolls backward–and hooks–AN ABDOMINAL STRETCH!

JV: He’s got it hooked in!

GM: He did all of that for an abdominal stretch! Look, he doesn’t have the toe wrapped around! This hold isn’t applied correctly!

JV: IRS trying to lean back with all his might, putting a good twist on Reynolds’ torso with that arm pull!

GM: Yeah, but without the toe–OH, LOOK OUT–Reynolds hiptosses his way out! Just as I said, without the toe, the hold wasn’t working!

JV: I’m surprised Reynolds still has all that strength left after the beating he’d taken! Ohh, but IRS with a knee to the gut to put em back down!

GM: IRS measuring now, he could be setting up for what he calls Brother Barry, that swinging faceplant!

JV: If he hits it, it’s over!

GM: Reynolds rolling to the corner, almost like he sensed what was coming. He’s not going to give Schyster the opening while he has the wind knocked out of him.

JV: Schyster following in–ooh, what a kick the midsection! And he’s setting up!

GM: Cradling Reynolds, here–no, Reynolds twists out–RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP! Reynolds with the counter!

JV: Quick thinking on the part of Real Deal Reynolds, and IRS convulsing on that mat! RD was a moment away from being done for!

GM: Reynolds, however, unable to cover, still feeling the effects of that barrage that Schyster had been laying on him for several minutes previous.

JV: Yeah, and look, Schyster’s actually about to be the first one to his feet, Gorilla!

GM: IRS indeed gets up first, but he’s not all there, Jess. Well, physically speaking, specifically.

JV: Reynolds getting up as well–IRS HITS THE WRITE-OFF!

GM: Schyster connects with it! Can he–NO! HE ONLY GETS TWO!

JV: I can’t believe it! How is Real Deal Reynolds finding the power to kick out time and time again?!

GM: Even IRS, his sickening smirk has disappeared, and he can’t believe that Reynolds is hanging in there! Look, he’s going for it again–

JV: WOW!

GM: Ohh, Reynolds nailed IRS with an elbow between the eyes in mid air!

JV: He’s covering! No, only two!

GM: And now it’s IRS that had to dig deep in order to kick out! What a battle this has turned out to be!

JV: Reynolds setting up IRS now–PILEDRIVER! He spiked him, and I think Schyster may be done for!

GM: He covers–no, Schyster with his foot on the rope!

JV: My goodness, that woulda been three if IRS hadn’t swung that leg! Too close for comfort, Monsoon!

GM: RD Reynolds now, he may be thinking Mic Check, or maybe just drop the big leg on him. Well, he’s got Schyster up, forget the leg drop for now.

JV: A big right hand, Marella’s allowing all the punches!

GM: Reynolds now–pulls him–no, Schyster hooks–BROTHER BARRY!

JV: IRS HITS IT! HE’S GOT EM! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

GM: Schyster hooks the leg–NO! COUNT OF TWO, AND LOOK AT RD REYNOLDS!

JV: Real Deal kicks out of Brother Barry, and now he’s getting energized! IRS ain’t seen nothin’ like it, I can’t believe it either! He kicked out of Brother Barry!

GM: Reynolds drawing strength from the Crappamaniacs here at Trump Plaza, and Schyster hammering away! No effect!

JV: None at all, RD’s shaking off the shots!

GM: Big right hand from Schyster–uh oh! RD Reynolds pointing right at IRS, accusingly, saying you better bring it, because I’m bringing it right back!

JV: Reynolds firing back!

GM: One right hand! And another! One more for good measure!

JV: Schyster’s fading!

GM: Reynolds sends him into the ropes–drops him with the big boot to the face!

JV: He’s going for that patented–wait a minute, Heidenreich!

GM: Get him down from there, Heidenreich to the apron–OHHH, Reynolds nails him with a big right hand! Serves him right! Don’t even know where he came from!

JV: And look, IRS is rolling to the outside!

GM: Reynolds would’ve hit that leg drop no problem if not for Heidenreich distracting him, and now Reynolds is trying to figure out where Schyster’s run off to!

JV: Checking all sides of the ring, Schyster’s risking a countout if he’s playing a hiding game! Biding his time, at least!

GM: Reynolds going out after, I think he’s spotted him.

JV: Last thing IRS needs is another brawl outside the ring; the first one saw him get his bell rung real good!

GM: Reynolds on the prowl, IRS trying to beg off, climbing back in–ooh, Reynolds with the ankle, he’s pulling him back out!

JV: IRS is not in a good way as Reynolds–oooh, what a right hand, and IRS is punch drunk!

GM: Reynolds setting up Schyster–sends him hard back into the post, a little deja vu from a short while ago!

JV: Schyster down on the floor as Reynolds–wait, Reynolds just dropped to the floor!

GM: What happened?!

JV: Top of the screen, Reynolds just sunk to the concrete, did he pass out?!

GM: I don’t know, the referee’s count is at 7!

JV: We need a camera over there, Heidenreich’s lifting IRS up! Count’s at 8!

GM: Reynolds, we can’t see what’s going–

JV: IRS is back in! 9! Reynolds isn’t gonna make it!

GM: The referee counts 10, he’s calling for the bell!

JV: I think IRS beat the count! He has to be the winner! He wins! There’s no–

GM: OH COME ON! LOOK AT THAT!

JV: THAT’S what happened! Somebody under the ring tripped Reynolds!

GM: Take a guess who! RD’s pulling him out!

JV: That’s Mantaur!

GM: Yeah, Mantaur! Mantaur was hiding beneath the ring and now RD Reynolds is going to try and hospitalize him!

HF: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match, as a result of a countout, IR-win R SCHY-ster!

JV: YES! IRS WINS IT! RD REYNOLDS IS ELIMINATED!

GM: What a complete miscarriage of justice, a sick joke is more like it! Heidenreich carrying a winded IRS to the locker room, meanwhile Reynolds is ripping Mantaur apart down at ringside!

JV: Reynolds can throw a fit all he wants, but he lost the match, and now Irwin R Schyster is going to the semi-finals!

GM: Reynolds now, he’s armed with a steel chair! He’s gonna have Mantaur’s head!

JV: C’mon now, this is a little–

GM: And Reynolds slams the chair on Mantaur’s skull!

JV: Reynolds should be suspended! That’s a potentially lethal weapon he’s using on Mantaur, and look, he hits em again!

GM: I don’t blame RD Reynolds one bit! That fat oaf cost him a chance at the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Title! And now Reynolds slamming the chair on Mantaur, who lay almost motionless on the concrete floor!

JV: This is horrible; where’s Jack Tunney?! Where’s the referees?! Joey Marella can’t stop a mad RD Reynolds by himself!

GM: Reynolds really dented that chair, but I don’t think he’s done!

JV: Look, Mantaur’s busted open! Reynolds has split him like a cantaloupe! This is horrible! This is what all the Crappamaniacs look up to?!

GM: Reynolds lifting Mantaur up, bloody face, and all, what’s he doing?

JV: He’s picking em up!

GM: REYNOLDS BODYSLAMS MANTAUR THROUGH THE TIMEKEEPER’S TABLE! OVER 400 LBS!

JV: Yeah, he can call this a moral victory all he wants, but he didn’t get the World Title! And once Trashbag Braxton’s out of the tournament, we’ll have a champion we can be proud of, no matter what!

GM: Reynolds headed back into the ring now.

JV: For what?!

GM: Well, I don’t know. His music just hit, looks like he’s gonna pose for a little while!

JV: This is ridiculous, he already lost! Why does he get to celebrate to his music?! How is ANY of this fair?!

GM: RD Reynolds, giving the people what they came here to see!

JV: What a lousy role model, dancing like a moron to his outdated 1980s pop music! You know, it’s people like him that led to the rise of good-natured idiots reveling in nostalgia as an identity! He’s a hipster doofus, and he takes pride in it, but it makes me sick! I didn’t crawl face-down in the the murky swamps of Saigon for buffoons like this to be proud of their dorkiness!

GM: Well, I love it!

JV: Yeah, of course you do; he made you autograph every episode of Prime Time Wrestling that he videotaped, and you felt special!

GM: Real Deal Reynolds may have lost the battle, but he will no doubt have it in him to win the war; his issue with The Schyster Family isn’t done by a long shot! Standing by, we’ve got Mean Gene, who’s with RD’s partner, Blade Braxton! Gene, over to you!

GO: Blade Braxton, come on in here. You and I, along with the entire world, watched as your best friend and tag team partner, RD Reynolds, was completely ripped off by The Schyster Family! He had Irwin R. Schyster beaten!

BB: Ohhh, yeah, The Schyster Family stuck their nose in where it didn’t belong, yeah, but it seems like Mantaur’s a little worse for wear, wouldn’t you agree, Mean Gene?

GO: Absolutely!

BB: The best revenge *I* can give is to win out this little tournament, yeah, standing tall as WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion, and holding the belt just slightly out of the reach of IRS, yeah, making sure he knows his place in the world’s pecking order! Send RD home, and I send you to the bottom of the food chain where ya belong! It’s up to The Pink Assassin to make things right, and right the wrongs he will! Shockmaster, the first wave of the Assassin’s rage is about to sweep you out to sea, and leave you bloated chum for the sharks! I’m alive and amplified, and the Shockmaster’s gettin’ shocked! OOOOOOOOH YEEEEEAH, DAWG!

GO: There you have it, Blade Braxton, the only Mega Crapper remaining in contention!

JV: Trashbag Braxton’s got an uphill battle ahead, and if he fails, the Mega Crappers are going home empty-handed!

GM: Determined is Blade Braxton, but you’re right, it’s not going to be an easy road. Let’s get down to the ring for our next quarterfinal contest!

HF: The following contest is a quarterfinal match, scheduled for one fall! Currently in the ring, accompanied by his manager, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, from Tampa, FL, weighing in at 292 lbs, Mike AWE-some!

awesome

GM: Mike Awesome, on the heels of an impressive win over El Matador in the opening round.

JV: Yeah, he launched a javelin manufactured in Mexico!

GM: He did NOT!

*cue “Dragon Fire” by Jim Johnston*

JV: This may be the most intriguing match of the tournament thus far, from a wrestling standpoint! Here comes The Dragon!

HF: His opponent, from Honolulu, HI, weighing 235 lbs, The DRAG-on!

GM: The Dragon, impressive in a win over Mr. Adequate, what, a little over an hour ago? He has the endurance to make it all the way to the finals, in my book.

dragon

JV: Endurance, no question about it, but against the might of Mike Awesome, that’s a serious disadvantage The Dragon is at. The Dragon needs to avoid El Matador’s mistakes, and try not to engage the big man power-wise.

GM: Well, we’ll see how he handles this powerhouse. He’ll also have to watch out for that Weasel down at ringside. I think the referee oughta eject him right now.

JV: For what? He hasn’t done anything wrong!

GM: Nothing wrong? He cost Jimmy Wang Yang the battle royal, and then he distracted El Matador!

JV: Well, he’s done nothing wrong in THIS match!

GM: Yeah, yet! We’re under way here as The Dragon, sizing up Mike Awesome, standing at about 6’6″, close to that 300 pound mark.

JV: I’d go to the top rope first opening I got if I were The Dragon. Locking up would be a mistake, in my view.

GM: Dragon, quite hesitant to approach. He knows if he somehow gets through this, IRS awaits, but even he may be exhausted from that fiasco with Reynolds.

JV: The Dragon went for a leg and Awesome clubs him across the back! Wasn’t quick enough to get on defense, gave his back up, and paid for it!

GM: Awesome now–wow, did he ever launch The Dragon into the corner! Back meets the buckles, and now kicking away!

JV: Methodically working over The Dragon, this is what he needs to do. If The Dragon’s known for his strong core and endurance, then Awesome needs to drain him of his breath. Basic beatdown from the big man!

GM: Awesome pulls The Dragon out–aww, he ducks the short clothesline–overhand chop to the face of Awesome!

JV: The Dragon, rifling those shots off! Referee Dave Hebner has to make sure they don’t go into the eyes!

GM: The Dragon off the ropes–big cross chop, and he’s got Awesome staggered! The big man may not know where he is–a dropkick and a beauty, and Mike Awesome falls out between the ropes!

JV: Bobby the Brain can’t believe it, Mike Awesome just got bounced to the floor by a Dragon almost literally on fire here!

GM: Heenan telling Awesome to focus, he might wanna take some time to gather his bearings, there’s–woah, the Dragon with a sliding kick between the ropes, caught Awesome right in the sternum!

JV: Look, the Dragon’s skinnin’ the cat back over the top rope! What strength and agility!

GM: The Dragon now–slingshots over the ropes, diving onto Awesome! What a risky move, but it pays off!

JV: Heenan can’t believe what’s happened here in the early going!

GM: It might be the late-going if The Dragon can continue this pace; he might finish off Awesome as we see Dragon rolling him back into the ring, not going to rely on a countout.

JV: Yeah, you can’t give Mike Awesome a chance to breathe. The Dragon headed up now, another high risk move.

GM: Awesome still trying to make heads or tails of his situation–ohhh, he sidestepped The Dragon’s dive!

JV: A simple counter, and this time, The Dragon’s risk doesn’t pay off! Heenan chomping at the bit, he wants Awesome to attack!

GM: Awesome laying in the boots on the Dragon, who’d crawled to the corner. Now raking him with the sole of the boot, c’mon ref, give em some space here.

JV: As long as he’s not going to the eyes, that’s basically a legal move. Awesome now, pulling Dragon to his feet, what’s this?

GM: Wrapping him up–ohh, throws him overhead with a belly to belly!

JV: The Dragon lands with a thud, Awesome covering!

GM: Could only hold him down for two, but boy did The Dragon take a tumble on that suplex, wow!

JV: Awesome now with a waistlock, what–no, Dragon goes behind!

GM: Schoolboy from The Dragon, only gets a count of two!

JV: The Dragon’s doing what he needs to do, stick and move–see, he ducks the clothesline, and hey, dropkick to the knee!

GM: The Dragon trying to take the support beams out of this tower in Mike Awesome; I think that was only a glancing shot he managed. Trying off the ropes once more–

JV: WOW, did Mike Awesome turn him inside out with that clothesline!

GM: You could hear the collision echo throughout Trump Plaza, a collective gasp rising through this capacity crowd! The Dragon may be out!

JV: Donald Trump’s a ruthless businessman, and even he’s feeling for The Dragon on that one!

GM: Awesome with a stunned Dragon, taking him to the corner now, what’s he setting him up for here?

JV: Got the arm hooked–ohh, sends Dragon across the ring with a high beal!

GM: The Dragon had to be at least ten feet off the ground, holy smokes!

JV: Awesome’s not going for the cover, he’s looking to inflict more punishment! I’m not sure if he’s making a mistake here or not!

GM: Well, with The Dragon, we went on record about his endurance; you need to keep breaking him down to put him away, and that’s what Mike Awesome seems to have in mind here.

JV: Bobby Heenan telling Awesome not to let The Dragon up. See, The Brain’s behaved himself so far!

GM: Yeah, but watch what happens if The Dragon regains the advantage. He’s as devious as they come!

JV: Nah, just misunderstood.

GM: Aw, well excuse me! Awesome with a knee lift to the bread basket and a beauty, The Dragon on the mat wheezing, trying to get some air.

JV: This is what Mike Awesome can do to you, just break you will, no matter how strong!

GM: Awesome, taking Dragon over with a snap mare, now clamping on a reverse chinlock. Trying to squeeze more of that air out of his opponent.

JV: A simple weardown move, this is Wrestling 101 live and in color. The Dragon’s getting a wrestling lesson before our very eyes.

GM: I wonder if Irwin’s back there watching this, wondering who will cross his path next here in the tournament?

JV: Hey, IRS is a strategist; I’m sure he’s watching this one intently. It’d probably be less than an hour before he’s gotta face one of the two.

GM: Awesome, really putting the squeeze on, as The Dragon, boy is he red in the face from all of the punishment he’s absorbed.

JV: You wonder if Hebner’ll stop this one on The Dragon’s behalf if he can’t continue.

GM: Highly unlikely!

JV: Sooner or later, it’ll get to the point where The Dragon just can’t continue. Hebner’s asking, but The Dragon’s sayin’ no. Well, indicating as such!

GM: The Dragon telling the referee he doesn’t want the match stopped, meanwhile the Weasel’s demanding more pressure from Awesome. I think he’s got it on as good as he’s gonna have it.

JV: Awesome–well, he releases the hold–drops a big knee across the throat of The Dragon!

GM: That found its mark as Awesome covers–only a count of two!

JV: You certainly called it, The Dragon’s brimming with endurance, but how much more can he possibly stand here?

GM: Awesome may be setting up for that Awesome Bomb very soon, he’s been in this match longer than he may have liked to be. Got the Dragon up–what a side backbreaker that was!

JV: The Dragon nearly broken in half over Mike Awesome’s knee, and look, Heenan’s calling for the coup de gras!

GM: Mike Awesome, happy to oblige, he’s got the Dragon now, about to take him up–

JV: The Dragon’s flailing, Awesome can’t set a good perch!

GM: The Dragon not–oh, he drops down behind! And he nails Awesome with a thrust kick as he turns around!

JV: What a shot, but Awesome’s still standing! He’s hurt, but he’s vertical!

GM: Dragon to the second rope–what a leaping chop, and Awesome falls against the ropes on the far side!

JV: The Dragon charging!

GM: High cross body–AND BOTH MEN GO OVER! Awesome and Dragon both laid out at ringside, what a fall that was!

JV: Don’t let this end in a double count out, please! What a match this has turned into!

GM: Awesome stirring first; I think he took less of the brunt of that landing. Heenan encouraging him to get back into the ring, the count’s up to four!

JV: Awesome still slumped on that apron, he’s clearly worse for wear, and now The Dragon getting up slowly as well.

GM: Awesome’s back in, barely crawls in. Count is at eight, the Dragon is barely on his feet!

JV: Hebner reaching–no, The Dragon slides in just before nine!

GM: Wow, a close call for The Dragon; almost had our second straight count-out there!

JV: Awesome a tad frustrated, but he doubles over The Dragon with a boot to the abdomen. Maybe trying for the–no, not the Bomb, he sends Dragon into the ropes–

GM: Woah, the Dragon leaps at Awesome–MONKEY FLIP!

JV: How in the world did The Dragon flip Mike Awesome?! That’s 300 lbs at this stage of the match!

GM: The Weasel’s beside himself as Awesome favoring that lower back! He didn’t expect to be thrown around here!

JV: Especially not against a smaller opponent like The Dragon!

GM: The Dragon now, measuring Awesome–here he comes–

JV: WOAH! And Awesome backdrops The Dragon to the floor! No skin-the-cat to save him from impact outside!

GM: Wow, did The Dragon crash and burn or what?!

JV: IRS has to be licking his chops as these two rip each other apart! It’s making his quest for the gold much easier!

GM: Awesome’s going out after The Dragon, he’s not interested in a count out win. Doesn’t go with his pride; he’s gotta pin the opponent.

JV: Well, the Awesome Bomb should be easier now, don’t you think?

GM: One would have to think as Awesome sends The Dragon back under the ropes. In fact, that’s exactly what he’s going for here!

JV: Here it–no, The Dragon with a backdrop!

GM: The Dragon with another fast counter, I can’t believe it! He’s got nine lives in there!

JV: Heenan’s speechless!

GM: For once in his life!

JV: The Dragon summoning some sort of second or third or fourth wind here! Big chop to Mike Awesome, firing knife-edges like a madman!

GM: The Dragon blistering the chest of Awesome, bursting the blood vessels with a barrage of–oh, he tried to slam him, and he couldn’t!

JV: His back gave out! The Dragon can’t have much left!

GM: Awesome snatches him–big sidewalk slam! The Dragon may have had his last gasp!

JV: Awesome not going for the cover, he looks to be–is he headed to the top rope?!

GM: Awesome has incredible agility for a man of his size, but he’s taking a chance here. He’s up top, the third floor–

JV: HE TRIED FOR A SPLASH, BUT THE DRAGON GOT THE KNEES UP!

GM: Awesome went for broke with the splash, but the Dragon raises the knees and–I think *both* men are hurt after that exchange!

JV: The Dragon could have injured a knee, maybe both, but Awesome has the wind knocked out of him! Dragon hobbling over, he’s cradling Awesome!

GM: Shoulders down–no, only two! Wow!

JV: Awesome barely able to get out of that, he may have cracked a rib. Listen to em wheeze, gasping for air!

GM: Wouldn’t surprise–what’s Heenan doing on the apron! Get him down!

JV: He’s desperately trying to buy Mike Awesome some time, and look, The Dragon’s biting the bait!

GM: C’mon, not like this! Get Heenan down from there, referee, this is too–OHH, LOOK OUT!

JV: WOAH!

GM: Awesome tried a Pearl Harbor job, but Dragon moved, and Heenan got wiped out! Dragon with a cradle–two, NO, only–

JV: LOOK OUT!

GM: Woah, Awesome kicked Dragon off, and The Dragon flew through the ropes, landing on Heenan! Serves Heenan right!

JV: Poor Bobby Heenan, The Dragon just flattened him after being kicked off of Mike Awesome! He didn’t even see Dragon come flying!

GM: Dragon didn’t exactly escape unscathed, he took–wait, where’s Awesome going?!

JV: I don’t–LOOK OUT, INCOMING!

GM: AWESOME JUST DOVE OVER THE TOP ROPE, AND TOOK OUT THE DRAGON LIKE A PATRIOT MISSILE! HOLY MACKEREL!

JV: What an unbelievable match! The crowd here at Trump Plaza is getting their money’s worth, as are all the fans watching at home! What a war this is!

GM: Awesome has been rejuvenated somehow, he’s bringing the Dragon back in, going for the cover–still just a count of two!

JV: The Dragon doesn’t know when to quit, does he?

GM: Never, as Awesome drags The Dragon to his feet again. He’s going to make him pay for having an iron will.

JV: Awesome lifting The Dragon over his shoulder–what a powerslam! There’s the cover!

GM: A two count again, Awesome can’t believe it! I’m sure The Brain would be stunned as well if he were able to get to his feet!

JV: Awesome needs to stay focused. If he kicks out, just drive him down–

GM: SMALL PACKAGE BY THE DRAGON! NO, JUST A TWO COUNT!

JV: Two and 15/16ths is more like it! Where did The Dragon pull that from?!

GM: I have no idea, he’s gotta be running on fumes–Awesome takes his head off with a clothesline! He covers–and he gets two again, this is unreal!

JV: Awesome will just keep dragging The Dragon to his feet and continuing to punish. Sends him off the ropes, he’s–no, the Dragon counters with a headscissors out of that tilt-a-whirl!

GM: The Dragon keeps making something out of nothing, incredible! Heenan’s stirring at ringside, he won’t like what he’s seeing! The Dragon’s headed to the top rope now!

JV: He missed from there earlier, let’s see what he does!

GM: The Dragon waiting for Awesome to turn–high-cross body hits its target! Hooks the leg–NO, only two! A half count away!

JV: Awesome barely keeping it together here himself, both men showing amazing resilience!

GM: They each know victory is within reach, as The Dragon now, measuring Awesome, he *can’t* possibly be going for a suplex! Not now!

JV: There’s no way he’ll get Mike Awesome–

GM: I can’t believe it, The Dragon just snap suplexed Awesome! There’s the cover–two count is all, this is so intense! The Dragon asking the referee in disbelief!

JV: The Dragon, sweating pouring off the face, headed back up top as Heenan looks on, weary and confused. This is what the tournament’s all about right here!

GM: Not sure what the Dragon could be going for, unless it’s another–hey, Awesome just dove at the ropes, and The Dragon lands the hard way on the buckle!

JV: That’s one way to stun your opponent, as Awesome now–he’s going to that middle rope!

GM: Superplex perhaps on its–no, The Dragon with a right hand! And what’s he–sunset flip off the top rope! Two–no! Awesome escapes, and now he rolls backward out of the move!

JV: He’s got The Dragon up, he’s got the legs, lifting him into the Bomb from here! What strength, lifting him of the mat, and he’s getting him over his shoulders!

GM: Awesome’s got the Dragon up, look out! AWESOME BOMB CONNECTS!

JV: He finally lands the Bomb and–wait a minute!

GM: The bell just rung, the timekeeper rang it without the referee’s signal!

JV: Don’t tell me this is a draw! Mike Awesome was so close, he had The Dragon finished!

HF: Ladies and gentlemen, the timekeeper has ruled that the allotted fifteen minute time limit has expired! Therefore, this match, is a draw!

GM: A draw, that eliminates both Mike Awesome and The Dragon! What an unbelievable turn of events as Awesome and Heenan appeal their case to the referee!

JV: That means IRS is going to the finals!

GM: Oh, no, that’s right! Irwin R Schyster has just drawn a bye into the finals, with Awesome and Dragon taking each other out! I can’t believe this!

JV: Had Awesome hit the Awesome Bomb ten seconds earlier, he’d be in the semis with IRS, but as it is, one half of the finals is set!

GM: We’ve got plenty more action to come; standing by with Sean Mooney, the reigning WrestleCrap World Tag Team Champions, The Mexicools!

SM: I’m here with the defending WrestleCrap World Tag Team Champions, The Mexicools, who get set to defend the titles tonight against Los Matadores! Juventud Guerrera, the question should be asked, why do the Mexicools swap out team members when it was you and Super Crazy who won the belts in the first place?

JG: So many questions, and they all BORING, why must do you bother with such nonsense! The Mexicools, ganaremos para siempre, number one!

SM: Well, the question I’d also like to get to is which two of you will be defending the titles here tonight?

SC: Usted habla demasiado, necio!

SM: Wait, what did Super Crazy just say?

P: Ha ha, you don’t mind what Crazy says! I think we’re done with the talking here!

JG: Yeah, adios, idiota!

GM: Huh! A complete lack of respect for Sean Mooney!

JV: Yeah. I kinda like it myself!

GM: Oh, you do? Let’s go down to ringside!

HF: The following contest is a quarterfinal match, scheduled for one fall! Currently in the ring, from Norfolk, VA, weighing 384 lbs, The SHOCK-master!

shock

JV: You really think Trashbag’s gonna topple this? This is nearly 400 lbs. Granted, he got Mantaur, but can he really do it twice?

*cue “Pomp and Circumstance (Metal Mix)”*

GM: And here he comes!

HF: His opponent, from Topeka, KS, weighing in at 242 lbs, “The PINK Uh-sass-in”, BLADE BRAX-TON!

GM: Blade Braxton, making his way toward the ring for this all-important quarterfinal matchup. He’s got a tall mountain to climb for sure if he’s going to leave Atlantic City as the first ever champion!

JV: Ya know, I just realized something. If Braxton gets eliminated here, that leaves Shockmaster, Black Scorpion, and IRS in the tournament. That means the champion has a 75% chance of being a worthy representative!

GM: You know, Jesse, this Blade Braxton has a chance at surprising you. Granted, he still has to win three matches to claim the title, but he’s got a lot of guts and a lot of heart. Don’t count him out.

JV: I’m not; it’s not like I said there’s a 100% chance of the champion being one worth taking pride in! Strange things can happen here in WrestleCrap!

blade2

GM: Look at Blade Braxton, does he look ready and determined or what?

JV: That’s because he doesn’t know what he’s in for; Shockmaster’s gonna flat him like a blueberry flapjack in a matter of moments!

GM: If Mantaur couldn’t, what makes you think Shockmaster’s such a shoo-in?

JV: Well, I just feel Shockmaster’s more suited to a big-match situation. Mantaur is a follower, after all, and Shockmaster follows nobody!

GM: Yeah, he leads *himself* face-first onto the floor better than anyone!

JV: I’ll give you that; his balance is a little wonky.

GM: We’re under way here, as Braxton–ohh, he charges in with an elbow to the face! Right at the bell, Braxton on the attack!

JV: Shockmaster musta been daydreamin’, Braxton not lettin’ em outta that corner as he hammers away on the 400 lb Shockmaster!

GM: Shockmaster getting pummeled–well, he shoves Braxton to the mat–ohh, he’s back on the attack! Blade Braxton with Shockmaster trapped, hammering him on the second turnbuckle!

JV: They’re countin’ along here in Atlantic City; of course, they can count to 21 with ease!

GM: Ten shots to the cranium of Shockmaster, who hasn’t gotten any sort of offense in thus far against Braxton! Braxton now, trying to drop the Shockmaster, there’s a clothesline, but he couldn’t budge em!

JV: I hope for his sake, he don’t try to slam Shockmaster. He got Mantaur up, but doing it twice is biting off a bit too much!

GM: Braxton probably should keep it simple, if that’s at all possible. Look, double sledge to the face, and he moved Shockmaster a step, but he’s still up!

JV: Braxton going up top, not stopping the assault!

GM: Bombs away–no, Shockmaster swipes him out of mid-air!

JV: Braxton took that right hand to the jaw, possibly the side of the neck! Shockmaster nailed him good, and here comes–

GM: Big elbow drops finds the mark, can he get em here? No, just a two count!

JV: Awfully close to three, and Braxton’s rolling to the outside. He may end up suffering the same fate as RD Reynolds, a count out loss!

GM: Mantaur’s not under the ring anymore, Jess, he’s getting stitched up and licking his wounds. Shockmaster, handful of hair, dragging Braxton to the apron.

JV: Not giving Braxton a moment to breathe, Shockmaster setting him up here.

GM: Looks like a suplex–it is, bringing Braxton back in the hard way. Going for the cover–only two, not quite three.

JV: Think that was a bit of a slow count from Tim White there!

GM: You’re seeing things, Jess. You really want Braxton gone, don’t ya?

JV: More than I wanna breathe my next breath of air! Shockmaster now, looking for a bear hug. Gonna put the squeeze on this clown, yeah, here we go! Break this, Braxton!

GM: Shockmaster with that bear hug, he’s got it sunk in. I don’t know Blade Braxton as a man who gives up, but this is a difficult situation to be in, with 400 lbs compressing your chest and back.

JV: Definitely, and Braxton is writhing in pain. I don’t–Braxton with a right hand, trying desperately to get out of this hold!

GM: Blade Braxton with a series of rights, but Shockmaster resisting a break here. Look, Braxton’s drawn blood from the nose of Shockmaster with that–

JV: HE’S BITING HIM!

GM: Blade Braxton uses his teeth, but he gets out of the hold! Desperation move to be sure!

JV: Tim White oughta disqualify Braxton, that’s blatant cheating! Look, he’s got Shockmaster’s blood dripping on his own chin! That’s disgusting!

GM: Braxton now, hammering away at the weak spot! He’s aiming those shots at the nose! Shockmaster, highly disoriented!

JV: You would be too if that carnivore tried to bite your nose off! Who is he, Haku?

GM: Braxton off the ropes–rams the elbow into the face of Shockmaster, who drops to the canvas! Now Braxton’s going upstairs!

JV: This didn’t work the first time! He’s taking another chance!

GM: Shockmaster to a knee, slowly getting up, Braxton targets–lands the double axe handle! Cover on Shockmaster–no, only a count of two!

JV: Braxton didn’t turn the tide until that bite, which he wasn’t admonished for. As far as I’m concerned, this shouldn’t be happening!

GM: Braxton off the ropes–woah, Shockmaster catches him with a side suplex! He hooks the leg–no, just a count of two! Half a count away!

JV: Braxton’s down and Shockmaster may be setting up for that special spinebuster he favors, the one that finished the Gooker earlier.

GM: That’s exactly what he’s doing, putting Braxton back in that bear hug, and elevating him, he’s about–what a right hand by Braxton! He’s got Shockmaster off balance!

JV: Shockmaster can’t complete the move, he’s staggering backward!

GM: Shockmaster falls into the corner, but he’s got the bear hug still applied! Not releasing, and he’s trying to bring Braxton back out! Braxton’s holding onto the turnbuckle!

JV: Blade Braxton hanging on for dear life! He can’t outmuscle the Shockmaster though!

GM: Shockmaster still–ohh, the turnbuckle padding came off! Shockmaster pulled so hard, and he and Braxton tumble to the mat!

JV: Incredible, both men are down! Braxton trying to get to his feet!

GM: Shockmaster getting up as well, Braxton staggering to that corner, he’s a little dizzy I think–

JV: Shockmaster charges in–HE MISSES!

GM: Braxton moves and Shockmaster hits the bare steel! Braxton with a schoolboy!

JV: NO!

GM: HE GOT EM! Braxton pins Shockmaster, and he advances to the semifinals!

HF: Here is your winner, BLADE BRAX-TON!

JV: Of all the lousiest officiating I’ve ever seen, this entire match has to go down among the absolute worst! How does this degenerate get to go to the semi-finals?!

GM: I don’t suppose you’re going to narrate a replay, are you?

JV: You can forget it! I’m not dignifying this slob!

GM: Blade Braxton will meet The Black Scorpion in the semis, what a matchup THAT’S going to be. The winner will meet Irwin R. Schyster in the finals, as Braxton rejoices up the aisleway before this capacity crowd at Trump Plaza! Let’s go to Mean Gene, who’s with Bobby “The Weasel” Heenan!

GO: What a WrestleCrapMania it’s been thus far; three men remain eligible to become WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion, but unfortunately for my guest at this time, none under his employ. Bobby Heenan, step right up in here, it was an incredible match between The Dragon and your man, Mike Awesome–

BH: I know what you’re going to ask, cueball: am I disappointed? A little, certainly. See, the day started so well. First, I helped William Regal, a man I am now proud to manage, see the light and escape his smelly flannel and ridiculous hard hat. Then Mike Awesome throws El Matador like an enchilada missile across the ring. Then Awesome comes within a hair of finishing that lizard thing to qualify for the semi-finals, and then the bell rings, because time’s up. I’m disappointed, but I’m not defeated. I have two men that didn’t lose on wrestling’s biggest stage, and that makes us three winners. Whoever wins that tournament, whether it’s IRS, or The Black Scorpion, or that Bluto Blutarsky wannabe, Braxton, eyes forward: we’ll be in touch to sign for a title shot. It’s not ‘if’, it’s ‘when’. Awesome and Regal and I, we’re going to make you sorry you EVER had dreams of becoming champion. Unless Mr. Schyster or Mr. Scorpion would like to acquire my managerial services once they become champion, in which case I’d be more than thrilled–

GO: That’s enough Mr. Heenan; Gorilla and Jesse, back to you!

GM: Can you believe the greed on the part of Bobby “The Weasel” Heenan? He wants to manage a champion more than anything!

JV: Gotta admire his drive, his passion, though, can’t ya?

GM: Yeah, when there’s money involved! But his money can’t, as of now, buy a way into the semifinals of the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Championship tournament. Irwin R Schyster already has received a bye into the finals, and he will meet the winner of The Black Scorpion, and Blade Braxton in just a short time from now.

JV: Braxton’s gotta beat two men who have had extra time to rest! Not gonna be easy!

GM: Let’s go down to Howard!

*cue “Jive Soul Bro” by Jim Johnston*

HF: The following contest is a handicap match, scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, making their way towards the ring, at a total combined weight of 1005 lbs, here are Akeem and The Guardian Angel, The Twin TOW-ers, along with “The Doctor of Style” SLICK!

JV: You hear that? Over half a ton of humanity making their way down!

GM: Jess, over 800 lbs of that are Akeem and Guardian Angel; Slick is well under 200! How’s he going to–wait, take a look at Slick!

JV: Slick’s still got his suit on! And what a fine looking suit it is as well, always a snappy dresser!

GM: He doesn’t have his gear on!

JV: He’s probably thinking he’s not going to be tagged into the match! He figures Akeem and Angel can handle business themselves.

GM: Boy, he’d better hope that’s the case. For his sake, if Kamala gets his hands on him, this one’ll be history.

akeem

JV: Take a look at big Akeem; Slick really taught em some moves, didn’t he?

GM: Oh, please. Ex-Lax gives you better moves than Slick does, I got news for you!

JV: Ahh, you’re just jealous because you can’t even jitterbug!

GM: Jitterbug?!

JV: Yeah. You’ve got the rhythm of a spastic colon!

GM: Give me a break, would ya?

*cue “Uganda” by Jim Johnston*

GM: Uh oh, here comes trouble!

HF: Their opponents, at a total combined weight of 630 lbs, the team of Sa-ba Sim-ba, and “The Ugandan Giant” KA-MAL-A!

GM: Kamala, along with Saba Simba, making their way toward the ring, Kamala certainly has closure on his mind.

JV: As if he even knows what that word means, Monsoon. I doubt he’ll even get his hands on The Slickster, not with Akeem and the Angel standing as a human shield!

GM: Anything can happen in a handicap match, as Kamala–ohh, he just cleared the ring! None of those three want any part of The Ugandan Giant!

JV: Well, the bell hasn’t rung yet! Kamala’s gotta keep it focused and follow the rules! He has a history of lapses in judgment!

kamala

GM: Kamala, no doubt about it, he’s ready to get this one going. Looks like the Guardian Angel will begin for his team.

JV: Hah, you don’t think Slick’s gonna start?

GM: Highly unlikely! We are underway here with the big handicap match, and Angel putting the badmouth on Kamala from the start.

JV: Do you think Kamala understands any of it? The Angel may need to slow down and enunciate his–

GM: Aww, take a look! Kamala nailing Angel with those overhand chops! I think he understood perfectly what The Guardian Angel was spewing at him!

JV: Kamala ramming Angel into the buckle, and there’s a tag to Saba!

GM: Saba Simba in, he sets up the Angel–big overhand shot to the kisser! Simba off the ropes–big shoulder tackle! Knocks the big guy off his feet!

JV: The Guardian Angel needs a tag, he’s being completely overtaken by the Simba/Kamala duo!

GM: Simba tags Kamala back in there, Kamala with The Angel now–wow, what a hard kick to the lower abdomen, and The Guardian Angel crumples before his teammates!

JV: He’s reaching for a tag!

GM: Look at Slick! He wants no part of it!

JV: Akeem tags in, and look, Kamala doesn’t even let him step between the ropes! He’s already on the attack!

GM: Kamala’s let his anger simmer, he’s been incensed for several months. Really doing a number on Akeem. I think he’s going to work over both Towers until Slick has NO CHOICE but to get in there!

JV: Kamala barges into Akeem, what a takedown THAT was–ohh, he’s going for Slick!

GM: Kamala trying to get at the Slickster–Angel just sucker punched him!

JV: That’ll teach Kamala to focus on the legal man, and not start nothin’ with Slick! Akeem DROPS a big elbow on Kamala!

GM: Two count is all he could get. Kamala’s mistake may prove costly.

JV: He’s focused too much on someone on the apron, and you don’t survive in tag team wrestling that way. Akeem droppin’ another elbow on Kamala, keeping him grounded! See, these are the fundamentals!

GM: Look of concern on the face of Saba Simba–ohh, Akeem just tagged Slick in there!

JV: I can’t believe it! Slick’s in the match!

GM: Slick with a stomp to Kamala, and another! And–oh, come on!

JV: Slick tags back out to the Guardian Angel, I love it! Slick comes in, does the damage, and leaves!

GM: Does the damage, give me a break!

JV: Angel now, what a hard right hand on Kamala! Really paintbrushed him across the jaw with that shot!

GM: The Guardian Angel, content to read Kamala the riot act, as Saba Simba tries to rally this capacity crowd here in Trump Plaza, Atlantic City. Angel sending Kamala into the ropes, he ducks the clothesline–

JV: Wow, Kamala comes back with a jumping shoulder block! Kamala NEVER leaves his feet like that!

GM: Kamala rolling over–there’s the tag to Saba Simba!

JV: Simba in, the fresh man, going to work on The Guardian Angel! Scoop and a slam, what a display of power!

GM: Simba in–oh, look out, Akeem jumps in there, and now he and Simba are tangling! Simba with the upper hand, rocking the big guy–

JV: Woah, and The Guardian Angel breaks it up with a shot to the back!

GM: Referee getting Akeem out of there as The Angel sets up Simba–what a back suplex! Going for the cover–no, kickout on two.

JV: The three-on-two is really working in advantage of the Twin Towers and Slick, they can get more rest between their triad when a wrestler needs to tag.

GM: Jess, you can’t be counting Slick here; he stepped in, did two stomps, and tagged out!

JV: Yeah, and it bought his partners about ten seconds!

GM: The Angel working on that chinlock, really ratcheting up the pressure on the spine of Saba Simba. Slick really whooping it up on the apron, isn’t he?

JV: Well, he’s happy, it’s WrestleCrapMania, and his boys are putting the hurt on Kamala and Saba Simba! You’d be happy too, Gorilla.

GM: Angel releasing that chinlock, he’s got Simba good and laid out–and there’s another tag to Slick!

JV: Look at Kamala, he’s enraged at the very sight!

GM: Slick back in, putting the shoes to Simba! And he tags out to Akeem, this is ridiculous!

JV: Hey, he’s not doin’ nothin’ illegal! Slick’s working within the rules of the match, and what a big elbow drop by Akeem! Two–no, only two!

GM: Slick is going to get his in the worst way, Jess.

JV: Ha, you’re hoping. Akeem setting up Simba now, gonna add more punishment.

GM: Big overhead slam, Simba may be laid out to dry here–uh oh, look out–

JV: WOAH, AKEEM MISSES THE SPLASH!

GM: Air Africa didn’t find the mark, and Simba’s looking for that tag! Kamala reaching out! Slick beside himself!

JV: Simba getting closer, Akeem manages to tag The Guardian Angel!

GM: Angel in–he didn’t make it, Simba makes the tag to Kamala!

JV: Kamala’s back in, and he’s laying that flurry in on The Angel, not giving him a chance to catch his breath! Kamala slams The Guardian Angel down!

GM: Kamala a house of fire in there, Slick can’t believe how the tide has turned! Kamala drops a leg across The Guardian Angel, but isn’t going for the cover!

JV: He’s making a mistake. I know he wants Slick in there, but he doesn’t wanna lose this match, either!

GM: Kamala off the ropes–drops the big splash on The Angel! Not going for the cover, again, he’s determined to get Slick in there!

JV: The Angel wouldn’t even tag in Slick, he’d tag Akeem! Unless both men are completely incapacitated, Slick’s not re-entering this match!

GM: Another splash! Kamala flattens the Guardian Angel once more! He’s making sure Angel can’t get up!

JV: Well that’s dumb; how’s The Guardian Angel going to tag if he can’t even move?!

GM: Kamala may not have thought that far, Jess, I don’t–woah, what a shot THAT was!

JV: Kamala just gave Akeem a hard kick to the gut and knocked him off the apron! And look, Saba Simba’s running over!

GM: Simba running over, going after Akeem on the outside! They’re taking both Towers out of the equation!

JV: But that doesn’t answer the question of how Slick’s going to tag in! He’s pleading with the official to get Simba back to–

GM: OHH, LOOK AT THAT!

JV: Kamala just grabbed Angel’s arm and used it to tag Slick’s outstretched hand!

GM: Ohhhh boy, Slick is filling with dread, he’s got no place to run, Kamala’s bringing him in the hard way!

JV: This is horrible! Slick has no chance in there, and Kamala’s relishing this!

GM: Kamala with Slick–big right hand, right in the kisser!

JV: He’s wanted to do that since December!

GM: Kamala lifting Slick, what a slam, and Slick may be done already!

JV: But Kamala isn’t! The referee should stop this match!

GM: Kamala off the ropes, lands the big splash, and Slick is squashed like a bug! Kamala’s not done yet!

JV: What more can he do to poor Slick?!

GM: The crowd wants another, and Simba’s encouraging Kamala as well!

JV: Off the ropes, not again!

GM: Kamala with a second big splash! And he’s STILL not covering Slick! He’s not finished with him! Might go for another!

JV: Slick’s not moving, can Kamala just cover him and get this over with?! He needs medical attention! And he’s going to do it again to Slick?! Come on!

GM: Kamala off the ropes, third time’s a charm–lands the big splash on Slick once more! Now he goes for the cover! You can count to 100, it’s over!

JV: Ugh, what a horrible sight that is!

HF: Here are your winners, Saba Simba, and “The Ugandan Giant” Kamala!

GM: Kamala finally getting the revenge he’s sought on Slick for months, finishing him off with not one, not two, but three running splashes! I doubt Slick will be double-crossing anyone any time soon!

JV: He won’t have the capability; he’ll probably be in a body cast for a long time after this! His eyes are open, but he don’t know what’s going on! The Guardian Angel trying to bring him around, but that ain’t happenin’ after that animal did a number on em!

GM: Standing by in the back, Sean Mooney is with Irwin R. Schyster, who awaits his opponent for the final round of the World Title Tournament! Sean, take it away!

SM: I’m here with Irwin R. Schyster, who has been–

IRS: The light shines brightest upon those who give to the light! Those who contribute to the circle, their fair share is repaid in perpetuity, young Sean!

SM: Well, IRS, your victory over RD Reynolds was uh…a bit tainted to say–

IRS: You may question the methods, but it is merely the earned destiny set forth to match, divine conspiracy as it were! Mr. Reynolds is a figment of the meek, an avatar unto the spineless snakes that throw stones, but haven’t the dexterity to catch a return lob, Sean! He is history as I have written it, but Braxton? If he dares seek his revenge on the Scorpion, he is but setting himself up for a further fall, one that time and hope cannot heal. No one will catch him, for the impact will leave a mile-wide crater not just in the turf, but in his heart. I break the hearts of mortals, Braxton. Scorpion, mutual respect will be tossed aside should you make it to me, but Braxton? What will become of Blade, when Blade himself is cut to size? It’s over, Mega Crappers! THE THRONE IS NOT YOURS, EXCEPT TO BE KNELT BEFORE! The Kingdom is mine! Enjoy your fall; the sudden stop’s all that’ll do ya in.

GM: Pretty sickening words from a very sick man!

JV: He’s pretty twisted, but you gotta admit, there’s a method to his lunatic fringe! And IRS is just one win away from the title!

GM: Well here’s a man who’ll never be champion, Michael Cole standing in the ring in anticipation of this next match!

cole

JV: Cole’s a champion in his own mind.

*cue “Beat It” from Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker*

HF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England, weighing in at 175 lbs, Gregg MAFF-ews!

GM: And here comes popular new star Gregg Maffews, an internet sensation, who has drawn the ire of Michael Cole. Then he beat Cole in about 30 seconds on Saturday Night’s Meme Event!

JV: Yeah, and Cole you can imagine is still sore about that. He’s handpicked a mystery opponent for Maffews to wrestle, just to see how the kid does with no time to fully prepare!

gregg

GM: This crowd here loves Gregg Maffews! Imagine how successful he’d be if he’d let the powers that be assign him a proper physician!

MC: Can I have your attention please?

GM: No.

JV: He can’t hear you, Gino.

MC: Alright, Gregg Maffews, you beat me, a lowly announcer, The Voice of WrestleCrap. Because, you know, you’re a big tough guy, all 175 lbs of you. That’s great. I’ll tell you what, you’ve got a LOT of enemies out there, kid. A lot of folks take exception to your stupid blooper videos, and the way you play them as fools! It just so happens that I found a man who doesn’t LIKE being your little patsy, and he’s here tonight to rip your head off! Give you a real dose of cranial bleeding!

JV: Who could it be?

MC: And even better, he’s an athlete outside of wrestling as well, something YOU can’t claim to be! So how do you say it? Nevermind that bleep….

GM: Wait a minute….

MC: HERE! COMES! MONGO!!!!!

*cue “Unledded” by Rick DiFonzo*

GM: That’s Steve McMichael! Former defensive lineman of the World Champion Chicago Bears! A former champion in wrestling as well!

mongo

JV: The biggest disgrace to the Horsemen not named Paul Roma! Cole’d have got Roma if Obscurity had a phone directory!

GM: Gregg Maffews now forced to size up against this great athlete, who helped guide the Bears to a Super Bowl victory almost thirty years ago! They shuffled their way to the Lombardi Trophy!

JV: And Mongo McMichael’s fixing to shuffle through Gregg Maffews here at WrestleCrapMania! Getting beaten by a man you poke fun at, that’s gonna be a rough one to take! I think Michael Cole made a wise selection!

GM: Cole does seem happy with his choice, that walking advertisement for birth control. Maffews isn’t familiar with this style, I don’t think.

JV: Yeah, football’s a different thing in his country! The fans wear scarves like they’re playin’ Quidditch!

GM: Here we go, bell sounds and we’re under way. Maffews sizing him up, this won’t be an easy task.

JV: Nah, I’ve gotta agree, for as much as Mongo was a self-parody in wrestling, he’s a bad dude in and out of the ring. Maffews lockin’ up–gets thrown to the canvas with ease! He can’t match power with Steve McMichael!

GM: And look at Michael Cole! Mongo hasn’t WON yet, and he’s celebrating!

JV: Yeah, a little premature there, hold off on the champagne.

GM: Maffews needs to rethink his plan here, try and get Mongo down a different fashion.

JV: Well, Monsoon, this is the part where I say hi to Terri, Tyrel, and Jade back home!

GM: I was starting to think you were gonna forget, but–look out! Mongo tried a waistlock, and Maffews caught em with an elbow to the mush!

JV: He’s firing off kicks to the thigh now!

GM: Gregg Maffews trying to chop down the big oak that is Mongo McMichael, really knotting up the quad with those kicks! Can he get–

JV: WOAH!

GM: Woah is right, Mongo just leveled Maffews with a big right cross!

JV: Mongo’s got a mean right hand! He knocked out a horse with it once!

GM: Will you STOP, wrong Mongo!

JV: McMichael lifting Maffews up now, could be going for a Tombstone piledriver, his move. Cole wants to get out of here with some measure–

GM: Ohh, Maffews down the back–and a leaping kick to the back of the neck!

JV: Mongo’s down to a knee, and Maffews–wow, a running knee to the face! Can he cover?!

GM: He gets only two! Wow, did he catch McMichael in the face with that or what?

JV: Cole on the apron now, he’s irate!

GM: Get em down from there ref, he’s not supposed to be up–woah, Maffews knocks him off with a knife-edge chop!

JV: Well, that’s ONE way to solve a problem, just take care of it yourself–and Mongo attacks from behind!

GM: Michael Cole bought Mongo the time he needed, and that distraction could prove costly to Gregg Maffews!

JV: Mongo looks to be going for a suplex of some sort, can he eleva–

GM: Ohh, Maffews knees him right in the kisser as he was being lifted! And Mongo jarred by that shot, he’s on rubber legs!

JV: Maffews measuring as Mongo tries to get steady! He’s got somethin’ on its way!

GM: Maffews–spinning roundhouse kick, right on the temple of Mongo, who’s in bad shape! His vision might be blurred from that!

JV: Maffews with the arm, he’s hooking that hold of his!

GM: The LeBotch Lock! Maffews with Mongo in the center of the ring! Can McMichael hold–no, he taps out!

JV: Gregg Maffews just made Mongo submit, I don’t believe it!

GM: Gregg Maffews with a tremendous victory here at WrestleCrapMania!

HF: Here is your winner, Gregg MAFF-ews!

GM: Let’s show you how this went down!

JV: Watch as Mongo McMichael is staggered from the knee to the face, and watch Maffews hit that kick to the temple with pinpoint accuracy! That wrenched his neck from the force, and when Maffews hooked that LeBotch Lock, is it? When that was applied, all the torque on the neck meant Mongo was history!

GM: Michael Cole will have to find another way of getting at Gregg Maffews, who stands tall here at Trump Plaza! Right now, we’ve got Sean Mooney standing by with Los Matadores! Sean, what’ve you got?

SM: Standing here with me are two men that haven’t gotten over the injustice that was the Tag Team Championship battle royal three weeks ago on Saturday Night’s Meme Event. Diego and Fernando, along with your big-hearted friend, El Torito, you seek to rectify that controversial loss to The Mexicools by claiming those WrestleCrap World Tag Team Championships as your own. How focused will you be, knowing there will be a third member of the team sitting ringside?

F: Senor Mooney, our focus will be just fine!

D: As matadores, we MUST be focused! In any ring, wrestling or otherwise, we understand the grave danger that comes with taking your eye off of the aggressor!

F: There are three Mexicools, but Diego and I, we can handle long odds with the heart of a warrior, and the spirit of a champion!

D: Mexicools, your ride is over. We’re messing with bull, and we WILL take you by the horns!

SM: There you have it, Los Matadores, completely determined!

GM: What a Tag Team Title match that’s going to be, Los Matadores vs. The Mexicools up ahead. It promises to be a real knock-down, drag-out affair.

JV: We’re gettin’ down to the nitty gritty here, Gorilla! Two championships are about to be decided in just a little while! This is what WrestleCrapMania’s all about!

GM: It’s only heating up as we get ready for our semi-final contest; let’s get things going!

HF: The following contest is a semifinal match, scheduled for one fall!

*cue “Grave Secrets” from the Bruton music library*

HF: Introducing first, making his way towards the ringside area, from Parts Unknown, weight unknown, The Black SCOR-PI-ON!

JV: It’s been about two hours since we last saw The Scorpion in action; he received a bye all the way to this match, thanks to Heidenreich and The Miz getting a double disqualification.

scorpion

GM: Certainly fortunate that such a break went his way, The Black Scorpion now with a more-than-reasonable chance at becoming WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion. He has no love-loss for Blade Braxton here.

JV: Definitely not! These two have been sworn enemies for years!

GM: The Black Scorpion, making his standard ominous entrance. I feel like I know this guy, Jess.

JV: Well, he’s a little lighter than you might remember, Gorilla. That’s because his wallet’s empty these days.

GM: He’s a creep, no matter who he is. Shrouding himself in darkness, looks like a cat burglar to me!

JV: Hey, that may be the case here in Atlantic City. He could steal IRS and Braxton’s claims to the championship right out from under their noses. He’s a skilled technician, and is just sleek enough to pull it off.

*cue “Pomp and Circumstance (Metal Mix)”*

GM: And here comes the opposition!

HF: His opponent, from Topeka, KS, weighing in at 242 lbs, “The PINK Uh-sass-in”, BLADE BRAX-TON!

GM: Blade Braxton has already spent a greal deal of energy getting past both Mantaur and The Shockmaster. This is his first opponent that isn’t a 400 pound behemoth!

JV: Yeah, but this is also his first opponent that isn’t slower than him. With the two hour rest period, the Scorpion may be able to wrestle circles around Trashbag!

GM: That’s the big concern for Braxton is his endurance. Hope for his sake he’s been rehydrating between the matches, perhaps consuming some citrus as well.

JV: The only citrus Braxton takes in are from the limes he crams in the lip of his Tequila bottles! He must have the poorest diet of any wrestler I’ve ever seen! Even Reynolds balances his meals!

blade3

GM: Braxton does possess some serious fortitude to be able to push himself beyond normal limits; need I remind you that he lasted 40 minutes in the Royal Rumble?

JV: Hey, the Scorpion was no slouch either. I recall he went about a half hour himself. And he took a serious beating all throughout the match!

GM: We can agree, Jess, that *both* men are capable of taking on a heavy workload, a barrage of punishment, and surviving all of it. Can you at least give Braxton that much credit?

JV: Alright, I can admit that he’s a tough competitor, unpolished as he is, but it don’t mean I have to like em!

GM: We’re underway in this semi-final match, a trip to the final round hangs in the balance. Scorpion seems content to take this slow, maybe try and draw Braxton into his trap.

JV: That’s the smart way to do it, you don’t want to exert too much–

GM: Look at *this*! Scorpion pulls his hands away and brushes the sides of his mask! Give me a break!

JV: Hah, a little psych game, I love it! Try and make Braxton mad, and let his emotions get the best of him!

GM: Scorpion circles back, finally we get a lock-up, and Scorpion goes behind, applying a basic hammerlock. Nice fluid movement to get to that spot.

JV: Textbook wrestling, just as he’s perfected. Braxton don’t know this hold from a claw hammer!

GM: Scorpion really cinching up on that wrist, cranking the forearm up the back, as Braxton–well, he tried for an elbow to the face, but Scorpion keeps pulling his head away.

JV: That’s the only counter Braxton knows is a street-fighting move, no finesse at all.

GM: Scorpion still working on that arm, he’s content–no, look out, Braxton reaches down and pulls up Scorpion by the leg!

JV: He countered it!

GM: Braxton still with the legs, he slaps on a figure four leglock!

JV: Braxton’s got the Scorpion in his own hold! How does he even know how to do a figure four?!

GM: Braxton with it expertly applied and Scorpion, he’s reaching for that rope! Aww, he gets it! Braxton nearly drew a submission out of him there, Jess!

JV: I have to give Braxton credit, he *does* have some wrestling knowledge, and I know he’s surprised The Black Scorpion! He wasn’t expecting a counter move from Braxton like that!

GM: Scorpion hobbles to his feet, and Braxton kicks the wheel out from underneath! He’s sticking with that leg!

JV: The gift of the bye received by Black Scorpion call all be for nothing if he’s felled by an injury! Braxton drops an elbow on the knee!

GM: Really going to work on that leg, I’m surprised myself that Braxton is this focused on a limb; usually much more explosive on offense.

JV: This may be out of necessity; he’s keeping the pace slow in order to conserve energy on his part.

GM: Braxton continuing to work the leg, oh, going back to that figur–no, Scorpion breaks it up! He went to the eyes!

JV: Desperation move, but Scorpion hasn’t been admonished for it. And now Scorpion with a headlock, laying in some right hands to Braxton’s mug! Look at em, shot after shot!

GM: Scorpion taking over after that rake of the face as he sets up Braxton, back suplex! Going for the cover, gets only two. Huh, looked like the knee held up pretty good on that lift, Jess.

JV: That’s good for Scorpion, whose offense is based around his leg strength and relative quickness, now setting up Braxton in the corner–wow, what a knife-edge chop that was!

GM: Really ringing out throughout Trump Plaza, Braxton getting lit up as Scorpion continues laying in those chops. And what a right hand, caught Braxton right on the chin!

JV: It’s gut check time for Braxton, we’ll see if those two matches he’s already fought take their toll on em!

GM: Scorpion sends Braxton across, Irish whip–

JV: Wow, Braxton charges back out of the corner, and floors Scorpion with a clothesline!

GM: Braxton came charging out like a cannonball, he hooks the leg–no, only two!

JV: Braxton picking Scorpion back up, he must be sensing the end is near, there’s a scoop and a bodyslam. Now Braxton’s headed up top!

GM: Could be going for that patented elbow–Scorpion rolling away and out of the ring before Braxton could jump!

JV: Scorpion right out in front of the destroyed timekeeper’s pit, Braxton’s turning toward him!

GM: Awwww, bombs away, Braxton hits the axe handle on the floor!

JV: The risky move pays off, and Scorpion’s down on the outside! Braxton’s not holdin’ back whatsoever!

GM: Pulling out all the stops as he tries to finish The Black Scorpion, and get to the finals, he sends Scorpion back inside, going for the cover–two count only! Wow, Scorpion’s hanging in there!

JV: He’s tougher than he gets credit for; you need to really step on em to squash em. Braxton now, setting Scorpion up.

GM: Could be an atomic drop, but Scorpion fighting it; grabbing the ropes–HEY! Did you see that?!

JV: I certainly did!

GM: Talk about your desperate moves, Scorpion just threw his leg back low on Blade Braxton!

JV: Braxton’ll be singing soprano in the shower tonight, if he *ever* showers! Scorpion now, in the corner. He’s setting Braxton up–beautiful knee drop!

GM: Scorpion with a knee, well-planted, but that’s TWICE now he’s gotten away with an underhanded move! Does he really need all of this to beat Blade Braxton?

JV: It’s for the championship of the world, and Scorpion will do anything to have it! He’ll probably pawn it later, but he wants it now!

GM: Scorpion with Braxton sitting up now, applying a reverse chinlock, this’ll drain the life out of an opponent. Surprised he hasn’t started working the leg for his *own* figure four, Jess.

JV: Braxton’s given him little opportunity, but this method’s working for em thus far. Scorpion adds a knee to the back, trying to jam the spine, maybe knock one of those vertebrae loose!

GM: Scorpion–oh, lets go of the hold, plants a boot into the spine. Continuing to wear down The Pink Assassin as you know IRS is looking on from somewhere.

JV: Definitely. Scorpion setting Braxton up–beautiful suplex, arc’ed it perfectly! Can only get two on it, though!

GM: Scorpion’s working over the back of Braxton; he’s gotta be worn down after dealing with two much larger opponents. He sends Blade Braxton into the ropes–ohh, he telegraphed it! Ducked the head, and Braxton booted him in the kisser!

JV: Braxton with an inside cradle! Two count, only two!

GM: Scorpion made a mistake and Braxton’s taken over–wow, what a kneelift to the chops from Braxton! Scorpion falls into the ropes–Braxton snaps him back with a little slingshot action!

JV: The momentum’s turned in this one, Braxton’s headed back up top!

GM: Braxton getting ready to fly as Scorpion slowly gets up–ohh, Scorpion nailed em!

JV: Braxton went for another ax handle, and Scorpion caught him in the gut–Scorpion with a roll-up!

GM: He’s got the tights–still only a count of two!

JV: It’s getting very heated now, it could be the next pinfall that ends it! Scorpion measuring Braxton–THERE’S the clip of the knee! Now we’re going to school!

GM: Black Scorpion takes the leg out from under Blade Braxton, a little payback from earlier when Braxton fed him his own move!

JV: Setting Braxton’s leg on that middle rope–

GM: Ohh, nobody home! Braxton pulled his leg out as Scorpion went to cannonball onto it!

JV: Scorpion took a hard fall, and Braxton sets him up–atomic drop!

GM: Right on the tailbone of Scorpion, who slumps into the corner, and now Braxton going to work with a series of right hands!

JV: Trying to knock Scorpion’s teeth out, now sending him across–what velocity! Scorpion upside down in the corner!

GM: Ohh, he’s running to the other buckle now–Braxton catches him with a clothesline in mid air! Scorpion’s getting put through the wringer!

JV: Braxton with Scorpion now–inverted atomic drop! Scorpion stunned–Braxton with a charging clothesline! He hooks the leg–no, only a count of two! Wow, so close!

GM: I have no idea where Blade Braxton is drawing this strength from! A lot of heart, no doubt about it as Braxton now–oh, Scorpion thumbed em in the eye!

JV: That’ll stop Braxton dead in his tracks!

GM: That’s cheating! Why isn’t it being–Scorpion takes the leg down!

JV: Here it comes!

GM: Figure four coming up–no, Braxton kicks him off into the buckle!

JV: Scorpion hits the turnbuckles chest first, and now Braxton’s got em!

GM: Reverse cradle by Braxton, can he keep em down–no, just a two count! Scorpion thrust the legs at the last second!

JV: Man, this is intense! Braxton lifting Scorpion for–woah!

GM: Braxton went for a slam, but Scorpion’s feet took the referee down! Braxton over to try and help the referee–what’s Scorpion got?!

JV: He’s got something in his hand! Is that a pair of brass knuckles?!

GM: Braxton not aware of this, come on! Scorpion’s got Blade, he spins–

JV: WOAH!

GM: Braxton just kicked Scorpion below the belt! He stopped him in the nick of time!

JV: The referee missed it, he’s still down!

GM: Braxton now, got Scorpion by the arm–what’s he doing?!

JV: He’s putting Scorpion’s fist against his own head! I don’t like where this is going!

GM: Braxton now–a forward leg sweep, slamming Scorpion’s face into his own brass knuckles!

JV: Scorpion’s gotta be knocked out after that!

GM: Blade throwing the knucks to the outside, here’s the referee!

JV: NO!

GM: He counts–HE GOT EM!

JV: I can’t believe this, Blade Braxton’s going to the finals?!

GM: Let’s get the official word!

HF: Here is your winner, BLADE BRAX-TON!

GM: Let’s go back and show you how this all went down!

JV: Scorpion’s got the brass knuckles, but Braxton manages to kick him downstairs before he can connect upside his head! Fair play, I guess, after all the rulebreaking Black Scorpion had done! Braxton then, ingeniously I admit, spikes Scorpion face first onto his own brass-knuckled-hand, and gets the win!

GM: It’s Irwin R Schyster and Blade Braxton in the finals, and one of the two will be the undisputed WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion! Let’s take you to Mean Gene, standing by with The Real Deal, RD Reynolds!

GO: With me at this time, a man filled with conflicting thoughts, The Real Deal, RD Reynolds! Deal, on the one hand, The Schyster Family dashed your championship hopes earlier on tonight, but on the other, your best friend Blade Braxton just qualified for the final round of the World Title tournament! How are you feeling at this very moment?

RD: Well, as you’re now aware, Mean Gene, The Mega Crappers still have a horse in the race, man! Oh yeah, Awful Irwin may have found a way to get rid of The Real Deal, but he hasn’t derailed The Pink Assassin, my friend to the end, brother! Three matches, three victories, including one over that overstuffed warthog Mantaur! I’ve got full faith in my main man to see this through to the end, and become the first WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion, because what I did to Irwin out there, barring a complete finish, Blade Braxton can do as well! He’s come this far, and I’m backing him all the way! Watcha gonna do Irwin R Schyster, when Blade Braxton and his heart of fire, scorch through yoooou, here at Trump Plaza, brother?!

GO: There you have it, RD Reynolds weighing in, as Blade Braxton meets Irwin R Schyster for the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Title! Gorilla, and Jesse, back to you!

GM: RD Reynolds, understandably fired up for his best friend’s golden opportunity; that’s coming up just a short while from now!

JV: I’ll tell you what, Reynolds had BETTER NOT get too giddy; Schyster’s well rested, and Braxton’s been through three grueling matches! It’ll take a miracle for that dirtball to clear this gauntlet!

GM: It remains to be seen if Blade Braxton can pull off such a miracle, as Jesse Ventura refers to it; right now, let’s go down to ringside!

*cue “Muy Loco” by Jim Johnston*

HF: The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is for The WrestleCrap World Tag Team Championship! Approaching the ringside area, from Mexico, here are the WrestleCrap World Tag Team Champions, The MEX-I-COOLS!

mexicools

JV: You hear that? Fink didn’t announce a weight for the champs!

GM: Well, that’s because we’re not sure which two members of The Mexicools will be defending the gold here at Trump Plaza. If they all weighed 200 even, he could just say, “400 lbs” and be correct.

JV: We still don’t know which two members it’ll be putting the gold on the line, that’s right.

GM: Kinda ridiculous, if you think about it.

JV: Hey, it gives new meaning to the phrase, “the advantage lies with the champions.” If Los Matadores did their homework on all three, what difference would it make?

GM: Well, you’re right about that; they could scout all three members of the team, but these Mexicools, in any combination, are a dangerous duo. A trio if you count the third man interfering!

JV: Ya gotta admit, that’s a pretty nice lawnmower they’ve brought to the ring. Custom made and street legal!

GM: Street legal?!

JV: Yeah, they can go to the bodega on it!

GM: Will you STOP!

*cue “Ole” by Jim Johnston*

HF: Their opponents, accompanied by El Torito, at a total combined weight of 432 lbs, Diego, Fernando, LOS MAT-A-DOR-ES!

matadores

GM: And look at THIS trio!

JV: Yeah, what a bunch of goofs! Way to perpetuate the stereotype that Latinos are nothing but cartoonish bullfighters!

GM: Oh, and The Mexicools promote a proud and positive heritage?

JV: They have a lawn mower! That promotes a strong work ethic!

GM: Oh boy….a very colorful group Los Matadores are, mixed with their pint-sized pal, El Torito. Boy, is he an inspirational figure for this team, or what?

JV: Inspirational? They’re all about the same height from here.

GM: Would you please? Show some festive spirit for once in your life! It would appear that Juventud Guerrera and Psicosis are the team of record, so Super Crazy will be watching from the outside. Won’t take much for him to get involved though, I don’t think.

JV: Hah, the Mexicools are a bit shady, aren’t they?

GM: More than a little bit, for sure! Bell’s gone, we’re under way as Diego starts it off against Psicosis, a dangerous veteran who takes a lot of chances. Lock-up, nice go-behind into a hammerlock there by Psicosis.

JV: Really cranking that pressure, putting a good lift on the hold.

GM: Diego needs–oh, what a counters into the drop toe hold, floats over into a side headlock! Nice countermove that was!

JV: Very slick on the part of Diego-Psicosis turns him–only gets two on that roll-over into a pin attempt!

GM: Diego re-establishes the headlock, but Psicosis getting to his feet now–sends Diego into the ropes–ohh, Diego with a nice shoulder block takedown!

JV: Diego off the ropes again!

GM: Ohh–Pscisosis with a monkey flip–and Diego lands on his feet!

JV: Pscisosis isn’t even aware of it, too busy being proud of himself–and Diego with a dropkick!

GM: Nice textbook dropkick by Diego, who tags Fernando, he heads up top!

JV: Diego setting his own partner up here!

GM: Diego–aww, throws Fernando right at Psicosis with the rocket launcher! A cover–two count only–Juventud gettin’ in there–

JV: Woah!

GM: And Los Matadores send him out with a double dropkick! Psicosis bailing out as well, and Los Matadores have cleared the ring!

JV: It’s not looking good early for the champions, but there’s Super Crazy conferencing them up, gonna put their heads together and come up with a plan.

GM: They really needed to slow down that pace, Los Matadores had them swinging at ghosts in the dark there.

JV: Hey, Los Matadores aren’t above stretching out the double teams either, ya know. Sometimes the referee’s five count is spat on by the challengers.

GM: Psicosis back in there, but he quickly makes an official tag to Guerrera; we’ll see how the mouthpiece of the team fares.

JV: Him and Fernando locking up, nice armdrag takeover by Guerrera! He’ll look to establish the pace here!

GM: Guerrera, kick to the midsection as an encore, setting up Fernando now, could be a piled–no, Fernando with a sunset flip! Couldn’t hold em down, only got a count of two!

JV: Los Matadores are getting some close falls here early, The Mexicools look like they’re a step behind!

GM: Diego tags in, he heads up, a FLYING sunset flip on Guerrera! And Guerrera BARELY kicks out on two!

JV: Juventud Guerrera is disoriented already, and we’re barely into this match! Super Crazy, look, he can’t believe what he’s seeing!

GM: Los Matadores send Guerrera into the ropes–a double hip toss!

JV: C’mon ref, five count! Get one of em outta here!

GM: Fernando back to his corner as Diego now–jumping front kick takes Guerrera down.

JV: Guerrera has to make a tag, he’s taken too much–hey!

GM: Did you see that?! That rat Super Crazy just tripped Diego! The referee missed it, but he’s inquiring!

JV: Hey, he missed it; can’t do anything–and what a shot from behind by Guerrera, clothesline to the back of the head!

GM: Guerrera with the clothesline, and there’s a tag to Psicosis. Convenient timing on Super Crazy’s part to trip Diego up!

JV: They were desperate, no doubt–

GM: Extremely desperate!

JV: But they’re in control, and there’s Psicosis with a running legdrop, well executed!

GM: Going for the cover, only gets two, didn’t hook a leg on that. Mighta had em if he simply hooked that far leg.

JV: They’ve at least got control on their side for now; it was looking bleak moments ago. May be getting time to gore Los Matadores if Psicosis keeps this up!

GM: Psicosis now, suplex coming–no, he dropped him into a cutting neckbreaker!

JV: A brilliant move on Psicosis’ part, and he makes the tag to Guerrera!

GM: Really think Psicosis may have had Diego there had he made the cover, but instead Guerrera heads up top, high risk move coming.

JV: Let’s see what–ohh, he misses!

GM: Guerrera tried for that 450 splash, and Diego rolled out of the way! What a mistake, they may rue not going for that cover now!

JV: They might, as Diego makes a crawl toward his corner!

GM: Fernando with the arm outstretched, he’s reaching for Diego, who’s trying to clear the cobwebs and get over there! Guerrera’s still down and hurt!

JV: Diego inching over–Psicosis runs in and knocks Fernando to the floor!

GM: What a cheapshot THAT was! Come on now!

JV: Diego unable to make the tag, and Guerrera able to pounce on him! Brilliant move by The Mexicools! The champions are using their heads!

GM: The referee needs to assert himself and keep The Mexicools from breaking the rules, it’s as simple as that. Guerrera setting up Diego now–wow, what a powerbomb from Juventud Guerrera!

JV: Almost knocked the Zorro mask off of Diego! Only a two count though, wow, I thought he woulda had him!

GM: Diego somehow able to get the shoulder up after that spine-rattling powerbomb, one that’ll change your mood in a hurry. Tag made, Psicosis back in now.

JV: And here comes a double team of their own!

GM: Diego in the air, dropped right across the top rope by both Mexicools! Super Crazy looking quite pleased; his guys have this one well in hand.

JV: Fernando finally back to the apron, looks like he took quite a spill to the outside. He’s about to watch as Diego gets polished off here at Trump Plaza!

GM: Psicosis with Diego–wow, right on the back of Diego’s head with that sudden back suplex!

JV: Did you see how Psicosis popped those hips to get the snap, wow! No cover though, looking to transition into something else here.

GM: No, he’s tagging in Guerrera once more!

JV: Guerrera must want to finish Diego himself, and he’s going to that top rope once more!

GM: Failed the first time as Psicosis drags Diego into position. Juvi favors that–no, look out!

JV: Diego shoved Psicosis into the ropes, and Guerrera falls! Seated up top in a painful position!

GM: Diego needs to make a tag, but no, he’s going over to Guerrera on the top rope! He may be getting a little greedy here!

JV: I agree, but Diego’s up to that second rope! He’s taking a big chance on his own–

GM: Diego with a top-rope Frankensteiner and a beauty!

JV: I can’t believe Diego had the strength to pull that one off! Guerrera’s stunned on the canvas, and Diego is making the move to his corner!

GM: Fernando rallying this capacity crowd here in Trump Plaza, as Diego crawls over, inch by inch. Psicosis over–DIEGO DIVES AND MAKES THE TAG!

JV: Here we go, Fernando in with a springing dropkick on Psicosis, and he sends Psicosis to the floor! Guerrera’s not gonna like turning around to a fresh Matador!

GM: Guerrera pleading, begging off, as Fernando will have none of it; there’s gold at stake! Fernando shoving Guerrera into the corner, he’s about to rain down with right hands, and Guerrera’s in no condition to stop him!

JV: This crowd’s countin’ in Spanish, listen to em!

GM: All the way up to ‘diez’ as Guerrera gets his clock cleaned! Fernando now-DDT! Spikes Guerrera, going for the cover–no, Psicosis in to break it up!

JV: I have to admit, that would’ve been all had Psicosis not lunged in there and knocked Fernando off the heap!

GM: Psicosis not leaving the ring, putting the boots to Fernando to try and halt the momentum. Referee’s losing control of this one as Psicosis sends Fernando–no reversal into–

JV: Woah, Diego pulled the rope down, and Psicosis tumbles to the outside!

GM: Well, that’s ONE way to get the illegal man out of here–wait, where’s Fernando going?!

JV: He’s taking off, running the ropes–LOOK OUT!

GM: Fernando flips over the ropes, and wipes out Psicosis with a suicide dive! Holy mackerel, can you believe he’d take that chance?!

JV: It’s WrestleCrapMania, the energy and stakes will make you do anything to get to the top! What a risk by Fernando as–

GM: Woah, Guerrera over with a dive of his own, taking down Fernando! Not to be outdone was Juventud Guerrera!

JV: This has developed into an insane car wreck–now Diego’s headed to the top turnbuckle! Both Mexicools and Fernando are down–

GM: DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?!?

JV: Yeah, Super Crazy jerked the rope, and Diego stumbles to the floor! Dave Hebner completely missed it, too!

GM: C’mon, at least throw Super Crazy out of there!

JV: Yeah, the Matadores would prefer to not to win by a DQ, can’t get the belts that way. And look at El Torito telling off Super Crazy, what’s HE going to do to him?

GM: Guerrera the first one to his feet, he rifles Fernando back inside the ring.

JV: Might be settin’ up for his Juvi Driver. There’s no kickin’ out from that.

GM: Sends Fernando into the ropes–spinning heel kick lays out the Matador! Beautifully executed, right on the chin was the heel!

JV: Guerrera’s giving the signal, what goes up, must come down! The Driver’s about to be unleashed!

GM: Guerrera looking to get Fernando up, this would be academic. Lifts him–no, Fernando down the back–BACKSTABBER!

JV: I can’t believe it, Fernando actually landed the Backstabber! This could be it!

GM: Going for the cover–did he–no, Crazy put Guerrera’s foot on the rope! This is getting ridiculous!

JV: Guerrera was just saved, and look–El Torito’s on the apron!

GM: OHH, AND LOOK! Torito comes off with a headscissors on Super Crazy!

JV: He just flipped Crazy head over heels at ringside!

GM: Serves him right! Back inside now, Psicosis with a running bulldog on Fernando! The much is literally non-stop as Psicosis off the ropes–Fernando rolls away from that back splash!

JV: Hebner has no control over this match at all as Guerrera rolls outside, and now Diego’s in. Who are the legal men?!

GM: I believe Guerrera and Fernando are legal as Diego dropkicks Psicosis into the corner! We’ve got all kinds of action going on, and Fernando now–runs into the corner with a spinning heel kick!

JV: Diego follows up as Psicosis–he takes Psicosis over with a running clothesline, and both men are back outside!

GM: They’re getting knocked around like–wait a minute, did you see what Juvi just did?!

JV: I didn’t see, what happened?!

GM: Fernando reached out of the ring to get him, and Guerrera struck him with a Tag Team belt! Guerrera back in, don’t tell me! Hebner over!

JV: GUERRERA GETS HIM! THE MEXICOOLS WIN IT!

GM: Give me a break!

HF: Here are your winners, and STILL WrestleCrap World Tag Team Champions, The MEX-I-COOLS!

JV: The Mexicools persevere in the clutch!

GM: Yeah, only because Guerrera cheated, after the Mexicools cheated all match long! Look at the replay!

JV: It’s real simple, you see Diego take Psicosis to the outside, and Fernando reach for Guerrera out of the referee Hebner’s field of vision, and WHAM, Guerrera blasts him with the gold! Right between the eyes, and that’s all it took!

GM: Mark my words, Jesse, the Mexicools have NOT heard the last from Los Matadores, as the three so-called champions shuffle away with the gold!

JV: So-called? They have the belts, so they’re the champions!

GM: In the dressing room, we’ve got Mean Gene to run over tonight’s tournament one last time, as we get set for the final round!

GO: The big moment approaches! We are just moments away from crowning the first ever WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion, here at Trump Plaza! The brackets have been updated, showing both men’s paths to the gold.

brack2

GO: Interestingly enough, IRS only had to win *one* match, and he needed the help of his two stooges, Heidenreich and Mantaur, to get it done in a countout win over RD Reynolds! On the other hand, Blade Braxton has had to win three matches, all by pinfall over Mantaur, The Shockmaster, and The Black Scorpion, and has to be wearing down at least slightly! Interesting to note that Braxton is the *only* man in this tournament to have won more than one match thus far. IRS would need to win a second to become champion, but if Braxton wins, he’ll have four victories, three more than everyone else! Let’s not wait a second longer; Gorilla and Jesse, back to you!

 

 

gmjv

GM: This is what the world’s been waiting for; all the weeks and months of anticipation are finally over! We’re gonna have a brand new WrestleCrap World Champion in a matter of minutes; what a spectacle this is going to be!

JV: I’ll tell ya what, I’m pumped up, I can see *you’re* pumped up! As you like to say, Monsoon, history is about to be made!

GM: Let’s throw it down to Howard Finkel, to begin our main event!

HF: The following contest is the FINAL ROUND of the tournament to determine the undisputed WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion!

JV: The anticipation has reached a fever pitch, Gorilla!

*cue light-hearted piano music*

GM: And here comes an attendant, bringing out the closely guarded WrestleCrap Championship belt, freshly minted just days ago!

JV: Wow, that’s the prize that’ll go to the winner of this all-important bout! Looks really splendid; hope nobody takes a hammer to it or anything!

belt

GM: All the gold and leather, hand-crafted. A work of art fit for a champion, and fit for THE champion!

JV: I understand it’s been closely guarded so *you* wouldn’t get your mitts on it!

GM: Me?!?!

JV: Yeah, they know you like to make off with valuables once in a while!

GM: Will you STOP. We’re about to have both entrants make their way down that aisle shortly. It IS a happening, Jess!

JV: You said it. I’ve got goosebumps; this is bigger than Woodstock, bigger than The Super Bowl, and at least ten times bigger than the World Series! It’s WrestleCrapMania!

*lights dim*

*cue “Live in Fear” by Mark Crozer*

GM: And here we go!

HF: Introducing first, accompanied by Heidenreich, from Parts Unknown, weighing 248 lbs, IR-win R SCHY-ster!

GM: Bringing the big insurance policy, Heidenreich, with him. I don’t see Mantaur here, do you?

JV: Not after the beating Reynolds gave em, absolutely not. RD smashed his head like it was a carnival game, and it may be some time before we even see Mantaur again!

schysters

GM: Heidenreich’s still big enough and nasty enough to cause trouble all by his lonesome, and Braxton will have to be careful in this match. I don’t see *why* Heidenreich should even be allowed out here, Jess, he doesn’t have a manager’s license!

JV: Yeah, why don’t you go down and tell em to scram, then?

GM: Well, hopefully the referee can keep this between just Braxton and Schyster, without Heidenreich being any sort of factor.

JV: As much as I don’t care for Blade Braxton, I gotta agree; the title should be decided fairly and with as little controversy as possible.

GM: Take a look if you would at this creep, will you? Hollow stare, thin smirk, he’s not all there, is he?

JV: It won’t matter; if he wins the title, he can be as spaced out as he wants to be!

*cue “Pomp and Circumstance (Metal Mix)”*

GM: Here we go, “The Pink Assassin” about to enter!

JV: Can he go four for four?!

HF: His opponent, from Topeka, KS, weighing in at 242 lbs, “The PINK Uh-sass-in”, BLADE BRAX-TON!

GM: Blade Braxton about to attempt to make history, here at Trump Plaza, by winning just one more match to become the first ever WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion!

JV: Yeah, but reaching the apex is the most difficult part! A much fresher Irwin R Schyster stands in his way, and he’s not gonna let em through, not so easily!

blade4

GM: Braxton, he’s well aware of Heidenreich out there at ringside, keeping his eye on the big henchman. He’s gotta do that AND try to defeat Irwin R Schyster at the same time. Not an easy task.

JV: Yeah, both the physical and psychological edges gotta go to Schyster here. Surprised RD Reynolds isn’t out here to back Braxton up.

GM: Well, Braxton won three matches without back-up, and maybe he just wants to take the fourth on his own as well. Would be quite the feather in his cap if he could pull off this astonishing feat.

JV: This crowd’s on Braxton’s side though, listen to these Crappamorons go nuts! But ya know, when you’re getting choked on the canvas, they can’t make the pain go away!

GM: We will see how this one plays out; should be a memorable clash to be sure! Braxton sizing up the opposition, both in and out of the ring.

JV: His focus needs to be on IRS first. That’s the one he’s gotta pin or make submit.

GM: Referee Joey Marella checking both men before hand, wants a nice clean match, of course.

JV: Think it’ll stay that way?

GM: One way to find out as Joey Marella calls for the bell; we’re under way here in our main event for the championship! Both men taking their time, not diving head-on into this from the start.

JV: They know what’s at stake, as we get a lock-up, Braxton forcing Schyster into the buckles. Looks like he’s got his strength about him still.

GM: Referee forcing a break, remains to–woah, what a slap by Braxton!

JV: What a cheap shot is more like it! Do you condone that?!

GM: After what the Schysters did to RD Reynolds? Yes!

JV: Schyster misses the clothesline, and Braxton lifts him up!

GM: Got Schyster high in the air–atomic drop connects! Finds its mark right on–oh, did you see what Heidenreich just did?!

JV: Yeah, hooked Braxton’s leg! That’ll teach him to cheap shot Irwin R Schyster!

GM: Schyster–misses with an elbow drop as Braxton now, telling the referee to watch the big guy out there!

JV: There you have it, now Braxton’s going to be looking over his shoulder at seemingly every turn. This is what IRS wanted, obviously!

GM: Look of concern on the face of Blade Braxton, meanwhile IRS goading him, trying to get him to fight. He’s gotta have eyes in the back of his head, no question.

JV: Braxton’s focus is tenuous enough as it is; he and Schyster back to that lockup.

GM: Side headlock applied by Braxton. He’s trying to keep IRS in the center of the ring.

JV: Yeah, keeping Schyster away from the ropes, and himself away from Heidenreich, very cautious as he works IRS to the canvas with that headlock.

GM: No, Schyster willing himself up, sending Braxton into the ropes–ohh, what a shoulderblock from Blade Braxton! Off the ropes again–and a diving shoulderblock finds its mark! Going for the cover–only a count of two!

JV: Braxton back to that headlock on the canvas, he’s gotten IRS down several times now. Usually Braxton doesn’t pace himself like this, but his tank’s nearing empty.

GM: Braxton trying to play it conservative, you’re right, but he’s also proving to be a better wrestler than you give him credit for!

JV: Yeah, maybe I underestimated–oooh, IRS driving that forearm into the small of Braxton’s back, trying to break the hold!

GM: IRS trying to get out of the headlock, he’s rocking Braxton with those forearms and elbows, trying to break loose here. Well, he got Braxton to release the hold, but Braxton follows with a short right hand! And another!

JV: Braxton’s got IRS off balance with those right hands, and there’s an elbow right between the eyes!

GM: Braxton in control, off the ropes he–COME ON! Give me a break!

JV: Did Heidenreich pull the ropes?

GM: He certainly did, and Braxton tumbles to the outside! Referee missed it completely, and Heidenreich’s feigning innocence!

JV: IRS headed to the floor, he’s about to take over!

GM: Schyster outside, Heidenreich giving him some space. The referee needs to get Heidenreich out of here as Schyster picks Braxton up–ohh, runs him back first right into the ring apron! No give at all!

JV: That’s what Schyster has to do; take Braxton’s back out, and he has no strength! He’ll be easy pickins’ at this rate!

GM: Schyster sends Braxton back in, going for the cover–only a count of two, Braxton isn’t going down that easily.

JV: I didn’t see what Braxton hit when he fell outside, did he land torso first, or did he break the fall with his oversized melon there?

GM: Couldn’t tell, but IRS now, working over the back, driving knees into it as Braxton lay prone on his stomach. Picking up the pace here, I’m not sure if Braxton can hit that speed himself, Jess.

JV: IRS pulling Braxton up now, Brother Barry perhaps?

GM: Lifting him across the shoulders actually–

JV: Beautiful Samoan drop! Is that enough?!

GM: Just a count of two, only about a half count away was Schyster. He senses the title is in reach.

JV: Definitely, and he goes right back to that lower back, very smart. He’s not going to let Braxton get his strength back.

GM: IRS setting up Braxton now, backbreaker and a beauty! Wow, did he plant that knee or what? Braxton’s laid out as IRS now, going to that middle turnbuckle.

JV: A moderate risk here.

GM: IRS measures–he misses the elbow drop!

JV: Braxton just got an opening, but I’m not sure he has it in him to capitalize! He may be too far gone!

GM: Heidenreich yelling encouragement as IRS gets to his feet–

JV: Braxton with IRS–lifts him and drops him across that top rope!

GM: IRS gasping for air, Braxton setting up–Russian legsweep! Can he hook the leg–only a count of two! So close!

JV: Braxton nearly took it right there, I can’t believe he’s mounting a comeback!

GM: Braxton into the ropes, IRS ducking the charge–ohh! IRS caught him on the rebound with a knee to the guts!

JV: Braxton got low-bridged good there! Clutching his abdomen like he’s had one too many patty melts at Denny’s!

GM: IRS with Braxton now, could be a suple–no, Braxton with a small package! NO, two count only!

JV: Wow, Braxton almost got it back there! IRS seems confused, he didn’t think Braxton had this much fight in em! I know I didn’t!

GM: Braxton–stops IRS in his tracks with a right hand! And another one, somehow summoning the will to fight! Sends IRS off the ropes, Braxton runs–Heidenreich just tripped Braxton again–

JV: IRS WITH THE WRITE-OFF!

GM: COME ON!

JV: Schyster covers! Two–NO, only two!

GM: Irwin R. Schyster nearly stole the title right there! That’s three times now that Heidenreich has stuck his nose in where it doesn’t belong!

JV: And that’s three times Joey Marella’s missed it! Schyster now, standing leg drop as he’s closing in on the gold! Another cover, another two count. Braxton not goin’ quietly!

GM: IRS, I sense a little frustration on his part, going to that chinlock. Will try and take the remaining air out of Braxton while torquing on the neck and back. He may not even be able to see the depth of Braxton’s endurance.

JV: Braxton’s hanging on, I agree, it’s awful hard to put him away, and we’re seeing just how much he can handle. But IRS isn’t relenting.

GM: Really pulling back on the chin–this crowd here at Trump is stirring, what is–woah, take a look!

JV: And Real Deal Reynolds is making an entrance down the ramp!

GM: RD Reynolds arriving, no doubt to provide moral support to his best friend in this all-important contest! He’ll also work to neutralize Heidenreich’s blatant interference, I’m sure!

JV: Well, maybe he should have come out here earlier rather than wait for Braxton to be in a pained lull! And wow, did you see that sour expression on Schyster’s face when he saw Reynolds?

GM: Reynolds slapping the apron, trying to alert Braxton. Schyster meanwhile has broken the hold, and now he’s jawing with Reynolds! He’s making a mistake!

JV: Absolutely, don’t relent when you’ve got Braxton down!

GM: IRS telling him to watch what he does to his boy right now. Reynolds can only do just that, watch and see what IRS has in store.

JV: Schyster stomping away, daring Braxton to get up, and kicking him like a dog when he tries. He’s gonna humiliate em in front of Reynolds, and enjoy doing it!

GM: IRS setting Braxton up now, is it Brother Barry time–no, Braxton with a right hand!

JV: Braxton escapes Schyster’s grasp!

GM: Braxton off the ropes–elbow between the eyes of IRS, takes him down! Going for the cover–only a count of two!

JV: Schyster took his eye off the ball to argue with Reynolds and he’s paying for it! Reynolds and Heidenreich are cheering their men on, but Braxton’s got the advantage!

GM: Braxton sends IRS into the ropes–high back body drop! Going for another cover–one, two, NO! Two and a half!

JV: Braxton’s trying to close this out, I don’t believe it, he’s close!

GM: Braxton with a dazed Irwin R Schyster, scoop and a slam! He’s headed for the buckle!

JV: The flying elbow is coming up–woah, Braxton just dropped to a knee!

GM: The exhaustion is beginning to set in, and Braxton nearly keeled over! Reynolds encouraging him, and Braxton’s climbing the buckle, it’s on its way!

JV: Braxton’s about to deliver–

GM: GET HEIDENREICH DOWN FROM THERE! Heidenreich to the apron, Reynolds runs over to stare him off! He was gonna get involved!

JV: They shoulda let him, Braxton would be champion via disqualification!

GM: IRS is getting up, the distraction saved him from the elbow–ohh, Braxton tried for the axe handle, but Schyster caught em with a right hand to the midsection!

JV: Heidenreich bought Schyster the time he needed to get up!

GM: If ever there was a time to throw Heidenreich out, it was then! And now Schyster measuring Braxton, waiting for him to get to his feet!

JV: Braxton getting up, clutching the abdomen–ohhh, look out!

GM: Marella got taken down! Schyster went for the Write-Off, and Braxton ducked! We’ve lost the official!

JV: Now ANYTHING goes without a referee!

GM: This is fixing to get ugly!

JV: Braxton with Schyster, setting him up–

GM: Back suplex connects, but there’s no referee–HEIDENREICH PULLING BRAXTON OUT!

JV: Reynolds running around–OHH, Heidenreich slams Braxton’s skull off the ring post!

GM: Reynolds going after Heidenreich, and we’ve got a melee out here at ringside! Braxton’s down and out, and Reynolds is giving it to Heidenreich!

JV: Both participants in the match are out, but it looks like IRS has some life left in him! Reynolds is really going to town on Heidenrich, and Marella is STILL down!

GM: Reynolds and Heidenreich slugging it out, and it looks like IRS is rolling over, now out of the ring!

JV: He’s zeroing in on Braxton, he knows he’s out cold on the floor!

GM: Schyster lifting Braxton and bringing him back in, meanwhile Reynolds bounces Heidenreich’s face off the ringsteps! Reynolds turning, now he sees Schyster bringing Braxton back in!

JV: Schyster’s got Braxton back in, but there’s still no referee! He’s signaling for Brother Barry!

GM: Schyster with Braxton in his clutches, he’s going for it–

JV: Brother Bar–WHAT?!?

GM: OHH, Reynolds put the briefcase under Schyster, and IRS cracked his head on it trying to land Brother Barry!

JV: THIS IS HORRIBLE! IRS IS OUT COLD! AND MARELLA’S COMING AROUND!

GM: Braxton with barely a cover, Marella’s crawling over! Can he get there?!

JV: IRS isn’t moving!

GM: Marella now, one……two…….can he…..

JV: NO, IRS WITH THE SHOULDER UP!

GM: That was as close as close can be, but that only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades! Reynolds can’t believe it, but both Braxton and Schyster are just about done! One move may be all–Heidenreich just took Reynolds down with a running forearm!

JV: Braxton trying to get up–OOOOH!

GM: Schyster just went low on Braxton! The referee’s still clearing the cobwebs, he didn’t see it!

JV: Heidenreich’s got that briefcase now, he’s about to hit Reynolds! Waiting for him to get up!

GM: IRS has Braxton, setting up for Brother Barry one more time!

JV: Heidenreich with the briefcase raised, daring Reynolds to get to his–

GM: OHHH! BRAXTON ESCAPES AND SHOVED IRS HEAD-FIRST INTO THE BRIEFCASE HEIDENREICH WAS HOLDING!

JV: I can’t believe it! IRS shoved out head first through the ropes, and he hits his head again on the steel–and now Reynolds tackles Heidenreich!

GM: Braxton headed to the top rope, IRS is out cold! Again!

JV: I don’t believe this!

GM: Braxton–LANDS THE FLYING ELBOW! Hooks the leg—HE GOT EM!

JV: Blade Braxton is the champion of the world, this is unbelievable!

GM: Let’s get the official word!

HF: Here is your winner, and UN-DIS-PUTED WRESTLECRAP HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, BLADE BRAX-TON!

GM: Reynolds bringing the title in to his best friend, and the celebration is under way here at Trump Plaza! Blade Braxton wins four matches in one night to claim the gold, against all odds!

JV: IRS being helped away by Heidenreich, he has no idea what’s happened, as The Mega Crappers stand tall, Braxton as the first ever WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion! My hat’s off to Blade Braxton, he withstood everything thrown his way, and he’s come out on top!

GM: Reynolds couldn’t be happier, his longtime best friend standing tall as the champion, and this capacity crowd in Atlantic City giving all the accolades to the champ!

JV: Hey, where’s Reynolds going?

GM: Reynolds leaving the ring, is he giving the spotlight to Braxton for this–

JV: Wait, what does Reynolds have?!

GM: Oh boy…..is that what I think it is?!

JV: That’s the love of Blade Braxton’s life, a mannequin dressed like Katie Vick! Remember when he and Reynolds dropped $200 to buy–

GM: Yes, I read the website, Jess, I know the story! But it’s Blade Braxton’s celebration as champion of the world, and if he wants to celebrate with a supposed dead cheerleader that a certain dentist we know allegedly violated after a car wreck, that’s his prerogative! I love it!

JV: Well Monsoon, WrestleCrapMania was certainly a happening! I can’t wait to do this again next year!

GM: Absolutely, we leave you all with the parting shot of Blade Braxton as your new WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion! For Jesse “The Body” Ventura, I’m Gorilla Monsoon saying SO LONG from Trump Plaza and WrestleCrapMania!

bladewins

(This event would not have been the same without the wonderful contributions of Catherine Perez and her Photoshop work. Give her a Twitter follow for all the amazing work she does. As for me, give me a follow here if ya’d like.)

 

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
13 Responses to "WrestleCrapMania LIVE From Atlantic City, NJ, March 30, 2014!"
  1. Thomas Moffatt says:

    My dream is to compete a WrestleCrapMania…

  2. Wildlegend says:

    How come the announce team wasn’t wearing togas?

  3. Paul says:

    “Save your receipts. Follow the money.”

    The Schyster Family was screwed.

  4. s1mon86 says:

    was I the only one fearing an RD heel turn in the main event?

  5. Guilty Party says:

    Man, when the Megacrappers explode a year from now, it will be epic! The question is, who’s corner will the mannequin dressed as Katie Vick be in?

  6. MJA says:

    A brilliant read, very well done!! Although the lack of Vince Russo and the crazy, over-booked swerves that come with him are sorely missed. Hope he’ll be on the next Meme Event!!. Also hope you have plans to debut Glacier, Tito Ortiz, Mordecai, Bo Dallas, The Kiss Demon, Robocop, Jenna Morasca, Eva Marie, Pirate Paul Burchill, John Zandig, heel Dixie Carter and many more in the coming year!!

  7. Mister Forth says:

    All I can say about the winner & his lady is what a woman & what a man.

  8. John C says:

    I did miss having a drunken Robin Leach stagger down the aisle presenting the championship belt. Do we get the debut of my beautifully named Intercrapinental Title soon because a battle royal with the last 10-15 people to hold the I-C title should be overflowing with more crap than Oakland Coliseum.

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