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7:40: Just re-upped my deal to do TNA PPVs. Thank you, Mr. Prichard, for remembering I was working without one.
8:02: Well well, TNA has themselves a good looking crowd. See, the company isn’t third rate, Jake the Snake. Just those who run it.
8:05: X Division Championship with Kenny King, Zema Ion, and Christian York kicks things off. Remember the 2002-04 years when the X Division featured like 3 or 4 new guys each week? No, of course you don’t. Only *I* ordered TNA shows in that era. I’m the same schmuck who would get annoyed when headlines from 411mania and other sites would list “Storm” in the header, and I’d think “What about James Storm?” when it’d be about Lance Storm commenting on some book he read. Lesson learned: those sites suck.
8:11: “Another potential costly situation” – Todd Kennelly. Even TNA hires commentators to help make Michael Cole look competent and likable.
8:13: Ion ranas King, and lands with the moonsault onto York. I don’t get why people don’t like him, other than the fact that his name isn’t Austin Aries.
8:16: Lotta oohs and ahhs so far. I forget how great TNA can be when they’re not injecting the Orange Goblin and his family into everything. And yes, the choice of the word “injecting” was intentional. King finishes with the Royal Flush to retain. Whew! Just a wild opener.
8:19: Joseph Park nervously rambles about his match with Joey Ryan, and Bad Influence vows to regain the World Tag Team Championship of the World. The word “assbag” gets used convincingly.
8:21: Joey Ryan is out to face Park, and may I say that Christy Hemme needs to wear that dress on each episode of Impact. She has more use than every WWE diva it seems these days. Park’s “why is he oiling himself” face > Cornette face, for the record.
8:23: Not sure what’s more disturbing: Ryan’s wooden phallic jokes (pun not intended), or the fact that I just realized that Parks looks like a jowlier Seth Rogen.
8:25: Park busts out the fundamental hip tosses. For those who think it’s unrealistic for a man with limited ring experience to dominate Joey Ryan, that didn’t stop Kelly Kelly from beating Natalya.
8:28: Keneley reveals stuff about his personal life that I was happier not knowing as Park rips off hunks of Ryan’s chest hair. I am the first man to ever type that sentence.
8:30: Park becomes the first man to ever win a match with a sunset flip/sitdown counter. And they say TNA steals rather than innovates.
8:32: Brooke and Bully have a heart to heart. What wife kisses her husband on the cheek instead of the lips? I’d say Brooke’s foreshadowing, but she probably couldn’t use the word in a sentence. Hulk puts his full faith into Bully. Hulk: “Bully, you’re the son I’ve never had. You follow all the basics of traffic safety, for one.”
8:35: Bully promises the people will remember him. Foreshadowing~! Brooke: “Is that two words or three?”
8:37: Gail vs. Velvet is next for the Knockouts title. Just realized that, with Taryn as ref and Christy ring announcing, 3 of the 4 women here tried out for a Diva Search at one point. The ways in which WWE’s crappy reality-based segments have influenced this business is staggering.
8:40: Taz: “Velvet has a sense of urgency.” *cut to Velvet clapping, trying to get the crowd to clap*
8:42: Taz makes a menstruation joke. If that happened mid-match, would the ref have to clean the stain? Fair question.
8:44: Gail lands Eat Defeat while using Taryn for involuntary leverage, but only gets 2 out of it. More arguing between Gail and the ref. Say what you will about Taryn, but unlike Brad Maddox, 1) she’s fun to look at and 2) she beat Drew McIntyre.
8:46: Taryn beats up Gail for attacking her. YAY! THAT’S AWESOME ON SO MANY LEVELS. Velvet lands In Yo Face to retain. I sense the TNA Championship Committee is going to frown on this one. Even Taz is miffed by this turn of events.
8:47: Kermit Seacrest interviews Robbie E, who sadly gets more attention than Zack Ryder. The feud even has a VIDEO PACKAGE. Did WWE even show the “Hoeski” video on TV? Let’s give TNA SOME credit.
8:49: After some consideration, I think Robbie T looks like Sonic the Hedgehog schtupped Ivan Drago.
8:52: Robbie E tries to “hug it out”, and Robbie T does his best Bug-Eyed Borash impression, unwilling to reciprocate. Tired of everyone calling Robbie E a Zack Ryder ripoff. That’s bull. Robbie gets storylines and television time, for one.
8:55: I hope the payoff is an intervention by Robbie B, an out-of-work Robbie Benson.
8:57: T overpowers E and wins with a fireman carry into a Ron Simmons-spinebuster. Meh.
8:58: Austin Aries promises to win without Bobby Roode, but it’s a SWERVE and Roode shows up at the conclusion of the promo.
9:01: The Frienemies, Team Mexico, and Bad Influence are next, and the Tag Team Championships are at stake. You know Christy Hemme’s happy to have Roode back. She actually said the “D” in his name, per contractual obligation.
9:06: Tenay to Taz: “Give it a rest”. Mike thinks Botchmanias have too much content as it is, I guess.
9:08: Chavo and Hernandez in firm control until Kaz dropkicks Hernandez off the top. If you think about it, this match is Not Beer Money vs. Not LAX vs. Not Triple X. Tag Team Recycling in full force.
9:09: Chavo busts out the Three Amigos on everyone, including Kazarian, which puts me in the mood for some 2005 Velocity episodes. Ahh, TNN. You had pop once.
9:13: Aries with a snazzy corkscrew slingshot onto Chavo, who was vulnerable upon Roode’s knees. Either it’s a bad sign that the hometown crowd cheered as Chavo was about to be maimed, or a good sign that Aries’ overness spans many regions and walks of life. I’ll bet on the latter.
9:15: Take a sip every time Keneley swears and it sounds unnatural. Do it without alcohol, we don’t need a William Holden reenactment.
9:16: Bad Influence and the champs have a heated brawl, and Aries and Kaz murder each other on a dual cross body. Chavo manages to get the semi-warmed-over tag to Hernandez, who cleans house. And Aries is launched into the lights on a military press.
9:18: Hernandez with a double spiking backbreaker on Aries AND Kaz, which the crowd loved. We were all not-so-secretly hoping for a Double Border Toss, but alas.
9:20: Hernandez runs the length of the ramp and gets a hands-free dive into the ring onto Daniels and Roode, and Daniels is spiked with a sitout powerbomb. Kaz prevents a Chavo frog splash. Chavo does come back to hit it, but Roode tags Guerrero’s foot on the leap, Aries disposes Chavo, and Roode steals the pin. Clever finish and a fun, albeit disjointed, match.
9:23: Six hours ago, Roode was thought to be headed for a feud with Kristofferson’s kid. And now, he’s STILL TNA Tag Team Champion.
9:24: Good news, RD: Taryn’s cutting a promo. Sadly, Gail attacks before any unintentional comedy can ensue. Al Snow helps break it up, which is more important than working the Vineland, NJ DTW show yesterday. Another Prichard oversight? You tell me.
9:25: And here comes the Lockdown cage, being brought out in partitions like the old days. Get me a blue bar cage and I’ll be even happier.
9:26: Aces and Eights have a rally before the festivities. D-Lo: “We’ve waited nine months for this.” That makes one of us.
9:28: Kurt Angle’s going to bust up Wes as a message to Wes’ dad for how badly he came off on the Monday Night Wars DVD.
9:32: Angle-Brisco is next, and I’m just glad Wes is wearing pants. TNA should institute a wellness policy, and figure out what Wes was on when he thought his leg tattoos looked good. Otherwise, he looks like Chris Harris and Kathleen Turner had a kid.
9:36: Angle dominating early, and I don’t think the crowd’s buying Wes having much of a chance.
9:37: Wes takes over with basic offense, including an early chinlock. I figured it out: When Wes Brisco decided to get a tramp stamp, he was high on the fumes from his dad’s body shop. That’s the only rational explanation.
9:39: There’s comedy, there’s high comedy, there’s transcendent comedy, and then there’s Mike Tenay mocking Taz by repeating something he says while imitating his voice. I miss curmudgeonly Tenay.
9:41: Angle lands the Rolling Germans, but misses a frog splash (?!), to which Wes responds with an Oklahoma Roll for 2. Angle then follows with the Angle Slam, and the crowd chants “USA”. Well, Wes is part Indian, so I guess the fans are just rubbing it in….
9:43: Wes escapes the ankle lock by sending Angle into the steel door. Wes tries to escape over the top, but Kurt stops him and they have a slugfest on the top rope, culminating with Angle hitting a German off the middle of the top rope!
9:44: Ref bump in a cage match. Go fig. Angle makes Wes tap, and then escapes the cage, but D-Lo throws Angle into the door, tosses him back in, and drags Wes out for the win. Not a terrible match, and Angle gave Wes some credible offense.
9:47: Wait, since when do the Aces win matches? This isn’t a day that ends in a “q”.
9:50: Lethal Lockdown is up next, and Mr. Anderson starts for the Aces, while Magnus represents Sting’s team.
9:54: Anderson looks a little sloppy to start, but things pick up as Magnus eats the steal. He avoids the Mic Check as the clock counts down, with Mike Knox hitting the ring next.
9:56: Taz, Mike Knox, Mr. Anderson. I’m all nostalgic now. Where’s my 2006 Survivor Series DVD….
9:58: Samoa Joe hits the ring in a rage to help his old tag team partner. Keneley partially redeems himself with “You wanna see a war face?” Why hasn’t R Lee Ermey been a Raw guest host?
10:00: Garett Bischoff is here to turn the tide. I’m watching a fat Samoan guy beat up Scott Baio. This is fun.
10:01: Eric Young hits the ring to make it 3 and 3, and Keneley’s happy to say, “The pants come down!” Not that we judge in my reviews.
10:03: Nothing’s happening. Nothing’s happening. Devon makes his way out for the Aces. If he helps spread a guy’s legs for the Wassup Headbutt, Keneley may flood the commentary desk. Again, I’m not judging here.
10:05: The way Joe targets Garett randomly for stiff shots makes me think Daddy Bischoff helped scale back on Joe’s push. This is merely speculative.
10:06: James Storm evens it up, and you’d think the fans would be happier to see an inebriated cowboy. Then again, these people cheer for the civilized Spurs, not the futile Cowboys.
10:07: Wait, Sting’s entering last? That NEVER happens. DOC is last for the Aces, and they missed a natural feud: he wants to brutalize Storm for knocking him off the wagon again.
10:09: Oh, the Aces are celebrating, arms raised! They don’t anticipate that there’s one more entry to come, looking to make them regret their arrogance! /exaggerated commentary.
10:10: Sting is last, with 2 trash cans of weapons. Prichard forgot to have the ringcrew install a roof with the weapons, I’ll bet.
10:11: The Aces take turns getting their brains beaten in wit trash cans, canes, and other debris.
10:12: Sting hits Garett in the nuts with the bat. But who will inherit the Hervey Intellectual Property fortune in 3 generations? Garett in ECW on a PPV against New Jack would have drawn money. I’d pay for your viewing, rest assured.
10:15: Why is nobody bleeding? Dixie’s not running for Senate, is she? After a brief turn of the tide for the Aces, Sting’s team regains control, and we get a tower of doom with Garrett superplexed by Storm and Magnus/Powerbombed by Doc and Knox/powerbombed by Joe. Fun stuff!
10:17: Knox is Scorpion Death Dropped, and Young lands an elbow off the cage (!) to win. Slow in spots, but a generally fun match.
10:18: Gotta piss. If I miss anything, blame my Monster (both of them).
10:20: I return to Taz and Tenay arguing loudly. I’d rather watch Taz vs. Tenay at Slammiversary than Cole vs. Lawler from WM27.
10:22: Jeff Hardy-Bully Ray video package. If Bully Ray wins this match, 2/3 of the TLC Six will have been a World Champion. And even Matt was ECW Champion. And this proves one thing: the major companies are loaded with racists.
10:25: Taz threatens to beat up Bully Ray as he makes his entrance with such gusto, you’d think he was overcompensating to make it sound like Bully ISN’T turning.
10:27: 13 years ago (!!) Jeff and Bully helped alter the business with their awesome table match at the 2000 Rumble. The kid in me is loving this, while the adult in me is saying, “Wow, Borash made sure to emphasize Earl Hebner’s name during the introductions.”
10:32: Jeff gains control, and levels Bully with Whisper in the Wind for 2. He tries to escape, but Bully kicks him off the top rope and crotches him. Eeesh.
10:35: Taz: “I don’t like Bully Ray, he hates my guts.” Taz has the subtlety of a snuff film.
10:37: Bully wears down Jeff with a bear hug as we get a dueling chant, and Bully counters Jeff’s escape with a BAAAAAAAAACK BODY DROP for 2. Jeff comes back minutes later with the Twist of Fate out of nowhere, but the Aces (Wes and Garett) climb into the cage. Bully and Jeff attack them as a team, hitting Poetry in Motion before throwing them out (Wes very awkwardly).
10:40: Regrouping, Bully and Jeff exchange blows, and Jeff gets the best of it, ending with a basement dropkick for 2.
10:41: Fight goes back up to the top of the ring post, and Jeff hits a reverse spiral kick. Bully lays out against the cage and Jeff falls to the mat, and Bully tim-bers onto him for 2. Cute.
10:43: Jeff hits Twist of Fate and tries to escape, but Bully prevents him, and Jeff gets folded in half with a top rope sitout powerbomb! Only gets 2.
10:44: Hogan and Brooke make their way out, and Hebner’s the ref. Ever get that sinking feeling? Hogan yelling “DON’T STOP” to Bully raises all sorts of disturbing thoughts.
10:45: The remaining Aces hit the ring….and Devon passes Bully the hammer. Bully cracks Hardy with it, Team 3D reunites, and Bully pins Hardy to win the title. Hogan is astonished, and Bully Ray wins his first World Championship. Brooke is heartbroken.
10:47: Bully tells Brooke off as the crowd cheers. Brooke beating on the cage wall is probably to similar to her brother’s time in solitary. Bully spells out the storyline for the 10% of fans who didn’t get it, and Hogan calls him “son of a bitch” 6000 times. The fans throw trash into the cage, so we have that classic nWo ending.
OVERALL: Nothing terrible on the show, but nothing too memorable outside of the opener, the tag title match spots, and the ending. Call it a marginal thumbs up on a fine group effort with an acceptable (albeit predictable) ending.