*cue synthesizer music bed for RAPID FIRE PROMOS*
(SHOT ONE: AKEEM W/ SLICK)
S: Lights! Camera! Akeeeeeem, hahahaha! A worldwide television audience will be treated to 450 lbs of raw human-a-tee! For their viewing pleasure, the Doctor of Style is unleashing the baddest dude to ever set foot ina rasslin’ ring, and that’s BAD news for you, Kamala! Ya never had the heart, and ya never had the guts! You was just wastin’ my time, because you ain’t a man! But there’ll no more time to waste, because once the African Dream here flattens you into a face-painted flapjack, *your* time….will be UP! HAHAHA!
(SHOT TWO: THE SCHYSTER FAMILY)
IRS: Every monetary messiah needs his golden soapbox, and The Royal Rumble was just that for Irwin R. Schyster! Where better to stand tall, above 29 lickspittles underfoot, and continue the merciless message? It would appear as though, however, my words have fallen on deaf ears, as it comes to Real Deal Reynolds and Blade Braxton! The Rumble has passed, and these two heretics still don’t believe that I’m entitled to more than my fair share! Well tonight, Mega Crappers, my children here will be more than happy to carry forth my message, and indoctrinate both of you the HARD way!
(SHOT THREE: THE MEGA CRAPPERS)
RD: It wasn’t the end of the world when Irwin R. Schyster stood tall to end the Royal Rumble, man! He doesn’t understand that, in the world of WrestleCrap, judgment cannot be passed until long after the dust has settled! The dust is far from settled, IRS! You have not written our induction into the depths just yet, nor will you ever, brother!
BB: It especially won’t happen tonight on The Meme Event, dawg! Send your goons at us all you want, we’ve tasted the jag of their blade and it didn’t cut us deep enough, yeah! We’re still breathing, and we will continue to breathe, no matter what obstacles crash down upon us! We fear no man, we fear no monster, and we fear no messiah, especially the propped up kind, yeah! The Royal Rumble is a thing of the past, and our modern epic is a thing of now! There will be blood consumed, but for Heidenreich and Mantaur, it’ll be their own, OOOOOH YEAH!
RD: And Schyster Family, WATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN THE PINK ASSASSIN, AND THE REAL DEAL, REJECT THE FORM OF YOOOOOOOOU?!?!
VM: WELCOME TO BUFFALO, NEW YORK! IT’S FROSTY AND FREEZING OUTSIDE, BUT IT’S RED-HOT INSIDE THE FIRST NIAGARA CENTER! WELCOME TO THE MEME EVENT! I’m Vince McMahon, and joining me, Jesse “The Body” Ventura!
JV: You got that right, McMahon! The atmosphere here in Buffalo is electric! It’s rowdy, it’s raucous, it’s rambunctious! But wait until the air here fizzles as The Mega Crappers take on The Schyster Family’s Heidenreich and Mantaur! We’ll see how ecstatic this crowd gets when Real Deal Reynolds and Trashbag Braxton are left lying in a heap!
VM: That certainly remains to be seen! What about “The Ugandan Giant” Kamala; he squares off with Akeem the African Dream, as they attempt to settle their issue once and for all!
JV: It’s a battle of behemoths, and the fight won’t merely be confined to the ring! I just hope Kamala can keep his grubby mitts off of The Slickster, who’s done nothing to incur The Ugandan Giant’s wrath!
VM: ‘Done nothing to incur his wrath’, give me a break! We’ll also find out tonight the fate of the unclaimed WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Title, which Irwin R. Schyster has laid claim to since controversially winning the Royal Rumble!
JV: Woah woah, ‘controversially’? He won, didn’t he?
VM: Yes, under unfair circumstances, but we’ll get into that much later on as we throw it to Mean Gene Okerlund, who is with Bobby “The Brain” Heenan and Mike Awesome!
GO: Joining me at this time, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan and his newest client, nearly 300 lbs of power-personified, the impressive Mike Awesome! Mr. Heenan, what led to this business arrangement?
BH: Ya know, cueball, it’s a lot simpler than you’d think. You see, this man right here was toiling around in some leisure suit, sticking out like a sore thumb in some guy’s Saturday Night Fever running gag. I saw the potential being wasted here, and I’ve decided to do something about it. You see, to manage the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion, that’s an honor! It’s all a matter of finding the man that can carry his end of the deal, and who better than this gladiator, this monster of a man, who was trying to pick up ladies with The Festrunk Brothers or something, I don’t know. Well tonight, we begin our path to the penthouse, and he doesn’t need a suit to get in! A few short minutes from now, he’s going to take that five-dollar-an-hour trash-truck rider and he’s going to show him something that compacts and crunches harder than some ol’ garbage baler! Mike, what might that be?
MA (stoic, yet menacing): The Awesome Bomb.
BH: You heard em, pal, The Awesome Bomb. I’d stay clear of the fallout if I were you; you’re practically made of methane.
GO: I doubt that highly! We’ll be back in a moment, as the action of The Meme Event kicks off; you don’t wanna miss a second!
VM: We’re back with The Meme Event, as Bobby “The Weasel” Heenan and Mike Awesome wait in the ring for this first matchup. Look at the SIZE of this Mike Awesome!
JV: Yeah, I wouldn’t be makin’ no Weasel remarks about The Brain. You don’t wanna know what that Awesome Bomb feels like!
VM: No, indeed I don’t. In any event, what a way to kick off The Meme Event–
*cue “Dumpster” by Jim Johnston*
VM: AND LISTEN TO THIS CAPACITY CROWD!!!!
HF: His opponent, from Mount Trashmore, FL, weighing 302 lbs, Duke….The DUMP-ster….DROE-se!
VM: Alright, Duke the Dumpster, making his way here to the ring on The Meme Event, getting a go in prime time!
JV: Now don’t you think this guy’s a disgrace? Look at all of the wrestlers that had to hone and perfect their craft for years, and this sanitation worker gets to be among ‘em!
VM: I’ll have you know that Mr. Droese is an accomplished athlete, one proud of his blue-collar background! He was faring quite well in the Royal Rumble until Bobby Heenan hooked his leg!
JV: Yeah, because Heenan doesn’t want this smelly oaf anywhere near a wrestling ring. He appreciates *real* athletes like Mike Awesome, not someone covered in garbage juice. Wasn’t that the working name for YJ Stinger?
VM: Would you please?
JV: Look, Heenan wants Droese to get rid of that trash can. Why does Dumpster Droese even have that out here?
VM: Well, it certainly scared Mr. Heenan out of the ring, so perhaps it’s a Weasel deterrent–OH MY, DID YOU SEE THAT?!
JV: DROESE JUST DUMPED THE TRASH OVER THE TOP ROPE, ALL OVER HEENAN ON THE FLOOR!
VM: HA-HA-HA-HAAAA! Bobby Heenan showered in garbage, and something was definitely wet in there, that’s for sure!
JV: THIS IS AWFUL! And look, Awesome’s on the attack, and rightly so! We’re underway!
VM: Mike Awesome hammering away on Duke “The Dumpster” Droese as Heenan tries in vain to get whatever that was out of his jacket sleeves!
JV: Boy, I hope Awesome teaches Droese not to disrespect a legend like The Brain in that fashion!
VM: You will recall that Droese was cheated out of the Royal Rumble by Mr. Heenan, so this is merely–ooh, Awesome just THROWS Droese across the ring!
JV: Big beal out of the corner by Awesome, and listen to Heenan screaming instructions! He’s incensed, and I don’t blame em one bit!
VM: Awesome with Droese in a bad way, choking him with his boot, c’mon, get in there, referee!
JV: Ohh, and where was the referee when Droese was soiling Heenan’s clothes with that grimy gunk?
VM: That was before the match, outside the referee’s jurisdiction!
JV: Boy, between you and Tunney, I tell ya. Awesome’s setting up Droese now–
VM: Ooh, drops him throat first across the top rope. I would suggest that perhaps Droese has learned not to mess with Bobby Heenan, not when Mike Awesome’s around, anyway.
JV: Ohh no, he ain’t learned it until Awesome says he’s learned it. Hence why this one’s still going!
VM: Ohh, what a hard clothesline by Awesome!
JV: He’s really softened up Droese, who hasn’t gotten in an ounce of offense. I’m not sensing that’s going to change any time soon, either!
VM: This monstrous Awesome now, he’s giving the signal, and we could be seeing the end of this one right about now!
JV: He’s lifting ‘em up!
VM: What strength, that’s 300 lbs he has off the ground aaaaaaand—DOWN to the canvas!
JV: The Awesome Bomb hits its target!
VM: Fuh-get about it! This one’s history! Mike Awesome, victorious in dominant fashion here on The Meme Event!
HF: Here is your winner….Mike…AWE-SOMMMME!
VM: A rather impressive victory, as Awesome folds up Duke Droese like an accordian with that Awesome Bomb!
JV: Yeah, and you see Awesome keeping a little distance as Bobby raises his hand. That must be something pungent if even Awesome’s put off by the odor!
VM: I think this is a case where the manager needs the shower worse than his client! Ladies and gentlemen, coming up next, we’ll be graced by the presence, unfortunately, of “The Million Loonie Man”, Sean Carless, stay tuned for more Meme Event!
Combat Zone Wrestling celebrates 15 years of ultraviolence on Saturday, February 8, from The Flyers Skate Zone in Voorhees, NJ! Join the CZW roster, along with special guests AJ Styles and Tommy Dreamer, and so much more!
VM: We’re back with more of The Meme Event, and right now, we’re unfortunately graced by the presence–
JV: What do you mean “unfortunately”?!
VM: “The Million Loonie Man” Sean Carless is here, along with the bodyguard Virgil, and I can only imagine what kind of display Mr. Carless has in store for us.
JV: This is good television, McMahon, pay attention.
SC: If I’ve said it once….I’ve said it a MILLION times, eh? EVERYONE’S got a price….for the Million Loonie Man! You all saw it at the Royal Rumble when I deceived that sucker into a nervous breakdown, eh. All because he wanted five hundred dollars Canadian, without even knowing the torment he was about to inflict upon himself! All he got for his trouble was a wave of brain-teasing nightmares, and not one! Single! Dime! YA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-EH!
VM: What a sick man this Carless is!
SC: Well tonight, in front of a live television audience, I think it’s about time we see who else would like to risk their own comfort in the name of money, eh! Who here would like to earn…..five hundred Canadian dollars?
VM: Hah, no surprise. These people would LOVE to make some money!
JV: Yeah, but there’s ALWAYS a catch with Sean Carless!
SC: Well I’ll tell you all what, in the spirit of this special telecast, let’s up the ante a bit, eh! Who here would like to win….one THOUSAND Canadian dollars!
VM: Woah, did you hear that?!
JV: Yeah, one grand in Anne Murray heads!
SC: For one thousand Canadian dollars, whichever of you Ramen-sucking lowlifes had better be prepared to endure something highly insidious, with no guarantee that you’ll come out with the money, eh. Now, without knowing what kind of game you’ll have to play, who here would like to win some loonies?
JV: Put’cher hand down, McMahon, I don’t think you’re eligible!
SC: What do you think, Virgil? See anyone you think could beat our little challenge?
VM: A lot of people vying for Mr. Carless’ attention; who’ll be the lucky selection?
JV: Or ‘unlucky’?
SC: Virgil, look at this peon right here. Do you think he wants to win a thousand Canadian dollars or what?
JV: McMahon….do you know who that man is?
VM: Can’t say that I do, no. Why, you recognize him?
SC: Security, please allow the gentleman in the $2 yellow t-shirt there to get through the railing, because he’s on a mission, a date with destiny, eh! Step right up, young man, this is your MOMENT!
JV: McMahon, that’s no ordinary fan! That’s a big name in the world of the internet wrestling scene!
SC: Young man, tell your fellow middle-class mooks your name.
GM: My name is Gregg.
SC: That’s quite an accent you have there, Gregg. I take it you’re not from around here, are you?
GM: I’m from Newcastle, England, sir.
SC: You hear that, Virgil? WrestleCrap draws in nickel-and-dimers the world over! Well, young man, this is your chance to make your time here in the states one you’ll never forget, and it’s going to happen right now. Are you ready to make a thousand Canadian dollars, eh?
GM: Absolutely, I can right pass any pain-game you’ve got.
SC: Alright, Gregg, up on that video screen there, we’re going to play a video of something truly awful. It will play for 30 seconds, and you can’t blink, or look away! You cannot avert your eyes for even one second! These people out here in the crowd, they can cower all they want because they’re not in on the wager. But YOU, eyes forward at all times, eh! Do you understand?
GM: Bring it on, mate.
JV: McMahon, I’m thinking Carless doesn’t know what he’s in for here!
SC: Dim the lights and roll that footage!
VM: What could possib–OH NO!
JV: That’s footage of Jenna Morasca’s TNA match!
VM: This is bordering on cruel and unusual punishment! Kids, if you’re watching, look away! Only *I* and I alone can break your spirits with sec–wait, look at Gregg!
JV: He’s not even fazed! He’s 20 seconds in, and he’s staring the video down like a prizefighter!
VM: Carless is stunned! AND HE’S DONE IT! THIS YOUNG MAN HAS WON THE CHALLENGE! HE’S WON A THOUSAND CANADIAN DOLLARS!
SC: I can’t believe it! Young man, my hat goes off to you, you just endured something even the Geneva Convention forbids airing! Consider me a humbled man, because you won fair and square.
VM: Sean Carless now handing over the prize, a man of his word, I’m impressed! Moreso by young Gregg’s resistance to–
MC: Can I have your attention PLEASE!
VM: Wait a minute, what’s Michael Cole doing out here?
MC: Mr. Carless, I have something to inform you of. Since you’re too busy living the high life, without a care in the world for common crap, I must tell you that the man in the ring with you is NOT some weak-willed fan! He is a ringer!
JV: I told you, McMahon, this guy’s no slouch!
MC: The ‘Gregg’ in there with you is Gregg Maffews, a man who makes depraved videos of the ‘worst of wrestling’, and the occasional screw-ups therein, for groups of 50 fans that populate high-school gyms! He’s a GEEK!
JV: Wait, Gregg Maffews? That’s backward, I thought his name–
(muffled sound of McMahon grunting and Ventura being struck, possibly on the shoulder)
JV: Unless the name he’s using now was copyrighted in case he jumps ship to another website or something….
MC: Mr. Carless, sir, this man can’t possibly be repulsed by anything. He is an affront to sports entertainment, and the only people who like him are NERDS!
VM: Gregg Maffews doesn’t seem particularly upset by that label, even though I haven’t an idea why; nerds usually get sand kicked in their face by the jocks on the beach!
JV: Yeah, because this is 1958, right Charles Atlas?
MC: Listen, GEEK: nobody likes you, at least among those whose opinions MEAN something! So why don’t you give the money back to Mr. Carless, and then crawl back under your rock and edit some more video! And good luck finding any botches I’ve made; I’m far too–
VM: OH MY, DID YOU SEE THAT?!
JV: MAFFEW GR–er, GREGG MAFFEWS WITH A RUNNING DROPKICK ON MICHAEL COLE!
VM: Maffews leaving the ring with the money, he’s not giving it back!
JV: Carless and Virgil are giving chase, but Maffews is already over the railing! He’s out of here!
VM: This capacity crowd cheering for Gregg Maffews! Boy if they love him now, imagine how much they’d love him if we put lifts on his shoes! Standing by, we’ve got Mean Gene, who is with the Schyster Family, take it Gene!
GO: I’m standing here with Irwin R. Schyster, along with his associates Heidenreich and Mantaur; they are the Schyster Family! Tonight, IRS, your two men who take on Real Deal Reynolds and Blade Braxton, what about it?!
IRS: When men don’t pay their fair share, Gene, they must be brought to justice. The world, it’s preoccupied by colors and shine and gloss, and nobody thinks that the distractions may be outlaws, and so the damned run free! Our world is one with no superficiality and no pageantry, just honesty. There’s a freedom in honesty, RD. There’s a joy in honesty, Blade. My men inflict honesty, not out of malice, but in tough love. And honesty, it’s my deodorant. Allow me to spray about this bit of honesty: I won the WrestleCrap Royal Rumble, and thus I should be WrestleCrap’s World Champion! But all things, they come in time. Our hands turn the clock’s hands, and we decide when the righteousness will break out. In just a little while, Mega Crappers, you’re the ones who’ll be breaking out, once you’ve been….HA HA HA..BROKEN!
GO: There you have it, a very confident Irwin R. Schyster! We’ll be back with more Meme Event, right after this word!
VM: We’re back with more of The Meme Event, as we see the 450-pound Akeem, the African Dream, gettin’ funky with The Doctor of Style, Slick! This one, Jesse, will go a long way in settling a score.
JV: Definitely, Akeem and Kamala were only intensifying the battle at the Royal Rumble when it was derailed by Real Deal Reynolds. No such disruptions here!
HF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Currently in the ring, accompanied by “The Doctor of Style” Slick, from Deepest, Darkest, Africa, weighing 458 lbs, Ah-KEEM, the AF-rican DREAM!
VM: In a moment, we’ll see “The Ugandan Giant” as he makes his way out here; he’s got just as much a beef with Slick as he does Akeem!
JV: Well, he better not lose his focus; you saw how it cost Droese earlier!
*cue “Uganda” by Jim Johnston*
VM: And here he comes!
HF: His opponent, from Uganda, weighing 380 lbs, “The Ugan-dan Giant”…KUH-MALA!
VM: Big Kamala, can’t tell who his sights are set on through that mask!
JV: Like I said, worry about Akeem first! If he’s so intent on getting his hands on The Slickster, there’ll be time after the match!
VM: Look at the size of Kamala; what he gives up in weight to Akeem, he makes–HEY, LOOK OUT!
JV: Hah, Akeem’s jumped Kamala while he was gettin’ into the ring! He didn’t even have his tribal mask off!
VM: The referee’s allowing this match to get under way before Kamala could even get ready, this is ridiculous!
JV: This will teach Kamala to put his hands on Slick, he’ll think twice–hey!
VM: Look at Kamala, fighting back with hard lefts and rights, he’s got big Akeem rocked!
JV: Kamala with a headbutt and Akeem falls against the ropes! Slick can’t believe it!
VM: Kamala now–RAMS AKEEM FACE-FIRST INTO THE MAT!
JV: No, Akeem’s head bounced off of Kamala’s mask! It was still lying on the canvas! That idiot Joey Marella didn’t remove it from the ring!
VM: That’s what Akeem gets for attacking before the bell as Kamala hammers away!
JV: I can’t believe this! Kamala driving those knuckles into Akeem’s scalp, I’ve never seen him fight so in control! Yeah, and NOW Marella removes that ceremonial mask!
VM: A bit of poetic justice perhaps on the part of Kamala, as he DROPS the knee onto Akeem’s throat! Cover that man, one, two he–no, doesn’t get em.
JV: Akeem’s tough, it’s going to take more than getting his own bell rung to be done in!
VM: Kamala with Akeem in the corner, laying in those knees, trying to wear down the midsection of his opponent.
JV: That’s a big gut he’s trying to rock. We’ll be here all night if Kamala’s focus is on that.
VM: Akeem whipped to the far side–ohh, nobody home as Akeem sidesteps the charge!
JV: Kamala misses with the body press and Akeem takes him down with a clothesline! The momentum’s shifted just like that!
VM: Akeem now, foot on the throat of Kamala, get in there, referee!
JV: Hey, he’s got ’til five!
VM: The official finally intervening as Akeem seemed to have no intenti–HEY WAITAMINNIT! DID YOU SEE THAT?!
JV: Yeah, Slick paintbrushed Kamala upside his head while he was down on the canvas!
VM: I suppose you don’t think that’s wrong?!
JV: Did the referee see it? Then it didn’t happen!
VM: Akeem now, drops a knee of his own, he covers, but ONLY gets 2.
JV: He needs to stretch Kamala out and land Air Africa; there ain’t anyone that’s gotten up from that so far.
VM: Akeem, with some clubbing shots now to the lower back of Kamala, trying to weaken his core and make him vulnerable. I’ve got to think he’s got that big splash in mind.
JV: Hah, look at the Slickster, taunting Kamala from the outside. I’d say he was right to leave Kamala for Akeem!
VM: Akeem, short-arm clothesline, and he could be setting up for it now, as the strut is on!
JV: Akeem’s off the ropes!
VM: Annnnd….KAMALA ROLLS AWAY!
JV: Akeem missed Air Africa!
VM: Kamala, trying to gather his bearings, there’s a right hand to the gut of Akeem! And another! This capacity crowd, rallying behind Kamala here on The Meme Event!
JV: The tide’s turning, and Slick’s not gloating now!
VM: Akeem misses a clothesline–Kamala with a knee to the back, and LOOK!
JV: Kamal–no, he tried to slam Akeem, but couldn’t! That was a mistake!
VM: Kamala couldn’t get big Akeem off his feet, he didn’t have the strength to lift him off the canvas! And now Akeem making him pay, he’s got him cornered!
JV: Akeem rams into Kamala, and just lets the Ugandan Giant fall to the canvas! He’s got em now! Oooh, he’s going to the middle rope!
VM: Dangerous territory as Akeem setting up–no, Kamala to his feet! Big right hand to Akeem’s jaw!
JV: What’s Kamala doing, is he nuts?!
VM: Kamala hooking up Akeem–POWERSLAM OFF THE MIDDLE ROPE! HE COVERS–HE GETS EEM!
JV: I don’t believe it! That nearly broke the ring!
HF: Here is your winner….KUH-MALA!
VM: Kamala victor–oh, wait a minute, Slick into the ring–oh, and Kamala’s got a hold of em!
JV: Oh no, he’s gonna hurt the Slickster! Akeem’s in no condition to save him! Kamala with Slick up against the turnbuc–hey!
VM: Who is THAT?!
JV: Someone in a red jacket is attacking Kamala with, what is that a nightstick?!
VM: This intruder just smashed Kamala across the head with that weapon, and now he’s laying in shots to the ribcage! Slick barking out orders, what is this?!
JV: That man looks real familiar, McMahon! That’s The Guardian Angel!
VM: The what?!
JV: The Guardian Angel! He’s dishing out his own brand of justice, one that Slick approves of!
VM: I can’t believe this, Kamala may have broken ribs after that nightstick assault! This Guardian Angel, he needs to be stopped!
JV: Looks like Kamala’s attempt at revenge has to wait another day!
VM: We’ll try to regain order here, we’ll be right back with more of The Meme Event!
GO: Joining me at this time, the powerful duo of Real Deal Reynolds and The Pink Assassin, Blade Braxton! Tonight, gentlemen, you look to overturn the sourness of The WrestleCrap Royal Rumble by taking down the Schyster Family’s two enforcers, Heidenreich and Mantaur! Blade Braxton, what about it?!
BB: Ohhhh yeah, The Schyster Family’s coming to collect, yeah, hands out like inbred trick-or-treaters yeah. I like candy, yeah, I like Snickers and M&Ms and Mars bars, even a classic REGGIE BAR, yeah! Candy is sweet, and I’m sour, and together we make a mean sauce, YEAH! But Schyster Family, you’re gonna get the sour of the Pink Assassin, uh huh, you’re not gonna LIKE this flavor, oh no, it’s hard to digest. You can’t handle the heaves and your stomachs’ll rumble like tectonic plates, I guarantee! The only way your hands’ll be out when tonight’s all said and done is when you BEG FOR MERCY! OOOOH YEAH!!
RR: Well do you know what you should be aware of if you weren’t already, Mean Gene?! It’s a live broadcast and anything can happen, brother! No edits, no cuts, and a nervous censor in that little room, man! What can he do but watch, nails bitten to the skin, as The Pink Assassin and The Real Deal bust up these chumps like sides of beef, with blood spilling all around us, man?! Rocky did it for Adrian, but we’re doing all for all the Crappamaniacs out there who want to see that dude Irwin R Schyster get strung up by his necktie, brother! And as far as IRS saying he’s the uncrowned champion, if Jack Tunney’s listening, one, you’re the only dude I know who says “furthermore”, and that’s awesome, brother! Secondly, if he wants to see an uncrowned champion, or champions, watch what these four arms do to the backwoods brethren! AND WATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN THE MEGA CRAPPERS COME DOWN CROWNING ON YOUUUU!!!
GO: Thank you very much, take it back, Vince and Jesse!
(cuts back into arena)
*cue “Hip to Be Square” by Huey Lewis and The News*
VM: LISTEN TO THIS RESPONSE! The Schyster Family, waiting in the ring, as The Mega Crappers make their entrance!
HF: Their opponents, coming down the aisle, from Indianapolis, IN and Topeka, KS respectively, at a total combined weight of 485 lbs, Real Deal REY-nolds and Blaaaaade BRAX-ton!
JV: I gotta tell ya something, deafening cheers or not from these Crappamorons, there ain’t NO WAY The Mega Crappers are winning here tonight! The Schyster Family is too smart to play their games!
VM: WOAH, HERE WE GO!
JV: THE SCHYSTERS ARE ON THE ATTACK! Heidenreich working over Reynolds and Mantaur’s got Braxton cornered, they’re not letting the Mega Morons get their outfits off!
VM: Oh, what a right hand by Reynolds! He’s got Heidenreich stunned—AND A RUNNING RIGHT HAND takes him down!
JV: I can’t believe it!
VM: Reynolds over with a double axe handle on Mantaur, and now he and Braxton double-teaming this wildebeest!
JV: They’ve got em up!
VM: A DOUBLE SCOOP SLAM DROPS MANTAUR ONTO HEIDENREICH! And this crowd here in Buffalo is whipped into a frenzy!
JV: Awww, they nearly flattened big Heidenreich with the mass that is Mantaur! The Mega Crappers in total control!
VM: Schyster, over to help pull Heidenreich from the melee, things not going–
VM: AH-HA-HA! REYNOLDS STOMPS THE HAND OF SCHYSTER!
JV: What call is there for that?! Schyster was only trying to offer encouragement to his man, and Real Deal Reynolds nearly breaks his hand with a stomp!
VM: A fine little how-do-you-do after what transpired at the Royal Rumble!
JV: Reynolds should focus on the match, he and Mantaur are the legal men after all of that chaos at the bell. Ooooh, running elbow catches Mantaur right between the eyes!
VM: Reynolds can’t quite take him off his feet, off the ropes again–big clothesline, and he’s merely moved Mantaur, who’s still on his feet!
JV: Reynolds has got momentum on his side, though, The Schyster Family hasn’t gotten out of the blocks!
VM: Tag made, Braxton to the top rope–DOUBLE AXE HANDLE AND DOWN GOES MANTAUR! He covers, 1–2–3! No, only 2!
JV: Yeah, get your eyes checked, McMahon, only a two count! At this rate, however, the Mega Crappers are trying to finish it early. It’s a statement match.
VM: Braxton with a couple of fistdrops on the beastly Mantaur, trying to keep the big man disoriented. Now set–oh, Schyster hooked his foot! Braxton was gonna run the ropes, and IRS hooked him!
JV: Turnabouts fair play from earlier! Look at Braxton trying to go after–Heidenreich boots him in the face!
VM: What a cheapshot by Heidenreich as Mantaur sets up Braxton now, big back drop and Braxton may be out!
JV: That boot to the face from Heidenreich mighta been deadlier, he caught Braxton flush on the jaw! And look at Reynolds, complaining about a cheap shot!
VM: That *was* a cheap shot, Jesse, you saw it! IRS and Heidenreich both got involved!
JV: Yeah, like I said, turnabouts fair play, as we see Mantaur grinding that forearm across the face of Braxton! I love it!
VM: Reynolds trying to rally this crowd, getting them behind Braxton, who is in a bad way here as Mantaur–DROPS the elbow into the sternum of Braxton!
JV: He’s not going for the cover though, he tags out to Heidenreich. Let the Bayou Brawler have his way with Braxton for a little while!
VM: Heidenreich in now, he shoots Braxton into the ropes–drives him down with a sidewalk slam! A cover–only gets 2.
JV: Look at the smile on IRS’ face; his guys have got the ring cut in half, and he couldn’t be happier. Everything’s coming up Schyster Family now!
VM: Tag made back to Mantaur, as the Schyster Family keeps Braxton on their side of the ring, while big Real Deal Reynolds champs at the bit to get in there.
JV: At this point, that’s not likely. Mantaur with Braxton in his grasp….nice front backbreaker! And he’s not letting go!
VM: Mantaur still with Braxton–DRIVES him down onto the knee again! Two big backbreakers and Braxton has to be–no, kicks out at 2!
JV: Well, Blade Braxton, if nothing else, will fight until he’s got nothing left. He and Mantaur both survived 40 minutes in that Royal Rumble.
VM: Indeed they did, as Reynolds continues to encourage this crowd to get behind his best friend. Mantaur tagging Heidenreich back in, IRS has to be pleased thus far.
JV: Absolutely, as Heidenreich clotheslines Braxton back to the canvas. Eventually, this prolonged beating will be too much, as we see Heidenreich going to the middle rope.
VM: Heidenreich off and–OH, BRAXTON GETS THE FOOT TO THE FACE!
JV: Heidenreich stunned, this could be the opening Braxton needs!
VM: Braxton trying to crawl to the corner, as Heidenreich, he mighta gotten a tooth knocked loose, shimmies over to his corner, Mantaur’s in!
JV: Mantaur–he’s got Braxton, not letting him make–
VM: BRAXTON REACHES AND MAKES THE TAG! HERE COMES REAL DEAL REYNOLDS!
JV: RD Reynolds in, and he’s unloading on Mantaur! No!
VM: Big right hand has Mantaur reeling, and a series of knife-edge chops! Reynolds going to work, off the ropes—BRINGS HIM DOWN WITH A CLOTHESLINE!
JV: Heidenreich’s coming in!
VM: Reynolds catches Heidenreich with a right hand, the referee’s gotta get him outta there; he’s not legal!
JV: Hebner’s lost complete control of this!
VM: Reynolds has got both Schyster lackeys–RAMS THEIR HEADS TOGETHER!
JV: I can’t believe Reynolds has been in total control of this, taking on the Schysters two on one! Even IRS is flabbergasted!
VM: Heidenreich tossed to the outside as Reynolds–ohh, turned his back and Mantaur struck with a shot to the kidneys!
JV: Hah, I knew it wouldn’t last. Mantaur now-BIG belly to belly suplex! This could be all!
VM: Mantaur covers–only a two count.
JV: Ahhh, that seemed a bit slow to me, McMahon. I think Hebner might be in the Mega Crappers back pocket!
VM: Stop it. Mantaur with a falling headbutt as Braxton looks on, knowing for all the beating he’s taken, he’s gotta get back in there for the tide to turn.
JV: Mantaur to the middle rope, this is precarious for a man his size.
VM: Oooh, Reynolds caught em on the way down with a shot to the abdomen!
JV: Heidenreich just now getting back to the apron, just as his partner gets taken down! IRS has to be ruing these momentum shifts!
VM: Reynolds stumbles over–MAKES THE TAG TO BRAXTON!
JV: Braxton up the ropes–DOUBLE SLEDGE to the head of Mantaur!
VM: Braxton covers–1-2-NO! Heidenreich breaks it up!
JV: Reynolds back in, we’ve got another melee, just like the start of the match!
VM: Four men in the ring at the same time, and the official is finding it onerous to try and restore order! Reynolds and Heidenreich slugging it out, but the legal men are Braxton and Mantaur!
JV: Reynolds whips Heidenreich across, and Braxton nails him with a high knee to the face!
VM: The Mega Crappers have swung this thing back 180 degrees, it’s been all them in the preceding moments–what’s IRS doing on the apron?!
JV: Getting RD’s attention; he got yours, McMahon!
VM: Reynolds going after him as Braxton and Mantaur continue going at it! RD throttling IRS!
JV: Hebner trying to break it up–Heidenreich’s got that glowing briefcase!
VM: Oh no, Braxton doesn’t realize it!
JV: Heidenreich waiting for Braxton to turn–
VM: OH, HEIDENREICH ACCIDENTALLY HIT MANTAUR WITH IT!
VM: Reynolds knocks Heidenreich to the floor as IRS is beside himself! Braxton headed to the top!
JV: I can’t believe this!
VM: Braxton with the elbow! He covers–HE GETS THE VICTORY! The Mega Crappers, victorious here on The Meme Event!
JV: The Schysters’ plan backfired, and The Mega Crappers have won! This is an outrage!
HF: Here are your winners, RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton, the MEG-UH CRAPP-ERS!
VM: A celebration is in order as Heidenreich and IRS scrape what remains of Mantaur off that canvas! Oooh, look out, Reynolds tried to get in another shot on IRS! Let’s go back and see how this happened!
JV: As Heidenreich gets possession of that briefcase, he aims to paste Braxton’s malted skull, but the quick-thinking lush drops down, and Heidenreich accidentally blasts his partner Mantaur right in the forehead! That woulda been enough, but Trashbag Braxton had to add the big elbow, just to act like *he* caused the win!
VM: As Reynolds and Braxton soak up this crowd’s stirring ovation, they know, and we know, that this battle with The Schyster Family isn’t over by a long shot!
JV: Absolutely not, there are many more turns to come, and IRS’ club won’t go away THAT easy!
VM: We’ll be back with MORE of The Meme Event!
GO: Come on in here. I can NOT believe what I saw earlier on tonight! After Kamala had defeated Akeem the African Dream, you, Slick, brought in ANOTHER ambush in the form of this man, The Guardian Angel! What is the meaning of all of this?
S: Mean Gene, recognize this, Kamala NEEDS to be humbled! He’s a wild beast with uhhhhn-limited energy, and sometimes, even a monster like Akeem ain’t enough to tame him! So if Akeem brings the order to a monster who don’t listen to order, maybe Kamala’ll listen to da LAW!
GA: KAMALA, YOU LISTEN UP REAL GOOD, BOY! WE ARE THE TWIN TOWERS, OVER 800 COMBINED POUNDS OF LAW AND ORDER! Slick is the judge and jury, and we’re simply the executioners! We’re serving notice to you, and to anyone else here in WrestleCrap, that the death penalty IS on the table! Our conviction rate IS 100%! And trust me, there is NO recidivism! Break our laws once, and we guarantee, you ain’t gonna break em again, PUNK!
A: Hey Angel, what is Kamala gonna serve the next time we get our hands on em?!
GA: Hah, he’ll be servin’–HARD TIME!
GO: Back to Vince and Jesse!
JV: Hah, it’s been YEARS since we’ve seen The Twin Towers! Good to see the band back together, even if one of em looks like a fat Curtis Sliwa!
VM: There’s not much time left in the telecast; let’s go up to Howard Finkel!
HF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, in the corner to my left, from Minneapolis, MN, weighing in at 228 lbs, ”MIS-ter Add-uh-quit”….Currrrtissss….AX-el!
HF: His opponent, from The Wilderness, weighing in at 274 lbs, The Stalker!
VM: Alright, Mr. Adequate set to take on The Stalker! Mr. Adequate, of course, a third generation wrestler, and sons of wrestling royalty tend to do well around here!
JV: Well if that’s the case, why ain’t the Stalker won one match here?
VM: His Dad was a wrestler?
JV: Yeah, and you made him host an interview segment in a BBQ pit!
VM: We see Adequate now, headlock applied on the much larger Stalker.
JV: Sound strategy from the get-go, wear the opponent down with basic wrestling. Mr. Adequate proved at the Royal Rumble that you don’t need to get fancy.
VM: Speaking of ‘wearing down’, were you referring to him wearing down Stalker, or the viewer?
JV: Well, there’s probably a good reason that this match went on last.
VM: Adequate, still cranking that headlock, sure is getting a lot of mileage out of it.
JV: Yeah. There’s a go-behind–into a headlock from the other side!
VM: …….what a maneuver!
JV: Maybe he can keep this goin–no, Stalker countering!
VM: Textbook backdrop by the Stalker, cover that man! He gets–no, he just gets 2!
JV: Stalker now on the offensive, he’s gotta snap out of that lull that Mr. Adequate tried to put em through.
VM: Stalker whips Adequate off–BAAAAAAACK body drop! Mr. Adequate having all sorts of problems as the Stalker now points to the buckle!
JV: This could be that superplex, his specialty!
VM: Stalker now, taking Adequate over to the turnbuckle, perhaps indeed setting up for that superplex and, I would suggest, a quick victory!
JV: Adequate trying to block, he’s kicking off the ropes, but Stalker’s not letting him go.
VM: Stalker manages to get Adequate on the top rope! That’s halfway home! And a big right hand really dazes this young man!
JV: This might actually be too early, it took so much to get Adequate up there; he’s got a lot of fight left, and–SEE?!
VM: Mr. Adequate headbutts The Stalker right between the eyes, knocking him back to the canvas!
JV: Adequate now….he’s getting steady up top! This is high risk!
VM: I can’t believe he’s going all the way up! I wouldn’t think Mr. Adequate of all people would–
JV: He jumps down to the canvas, and then hits his one-arm neckbreaker!
VM: Oh, kept it simple! There’s the cover, and he gets him!
JV: Hah, made us think he was going to enthrall us, and changed his mind!
HF: Here is your winner…..MIS-ter Add-uh-quit!
VM: Ladies and gentlemen, standing by, we’ve got Mean Gene Okerlund, who is with WrestleCrap President Jack Tunney! Gene, take it away!
GO: I’m joined by esteemed WrestleCrap President, Mr. Jack Tunney. President Tunney, I understand you’re prepared to offer your ruling on Irwin R. Schyster’s claim of being the uncrowned WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion. What is your response?
JT: Gene, I do not accept Irwin R. Schyster’s claim to the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Championship, for the Royal Rumble match was not stipulated with the championship going to the winner. However, it was a consideration that the Rumble winner would earn his way into a match to determine the first titleholder.
GO: So you’re saying that IRS will compete to become WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion?
JT: To a certain degree, this is true. However, after reviewing film of The Royal Rumble, and conferring with the officials who held the random drawing, I have come to believe that Irwin R. Schyster’s victory is tainted. Even in the end, when he was nearest elimination at the hands of RD Reynolds, Reynolds was illegally eliminated, and IRS thusly saved, by Mantaur. I cannot in good conscience simply hand over a championship opportunity to IRS, Royal Rumble victory or not, without further making him earn it. And earn it he will, in addition to Reynolds, and a handful of other WrestleCrap superstars.
GO: Wait a minute, you’re saying more than just IRS and Reynolds will vie for the currently vacant WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Title?
JT: That is correct. It is my decision that at WrestleCrapMania on March 30 in Atlantic City, there will be a tournament to determine the first ever WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion. Mr. Schyster and Mr. Reynolds are both automatically permitted entry; IRS for winning the Rumble, however tainted, and Reynolds for his elimination occurring illegally. This coming week, the championship committee and I will meet to set the brackets, but it is determined: the first champion WILL be crowned March 30 in Atlantic City, at WrestleCrapMania!
GO: The President has spoken; Mr. President, thank you for your time; Vince, back to you!
VM: How about THAT!
JV: A tournament to determine the first champion?! What right does Tunney have to invalidate IRS’ victory?!
VM: He has EVERY right, you heard him! There will be a tournament at WrestleCrapMania to crown the Undisputed WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion, and details will be coming! For Jesse Ventura, I’m Vince McMahon saying SO LONG from The Meme Event!