The 2013 WrestleCrap Survivor Series! The Complete Broadcast!

35 Submitted by on Thu, 28 November 2013, 20:59

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IT’S THE WRESTLECRAP SURVIVOR SERIES! A REBORN THANKSGIVING NIGHT TRADITION! THE ULTIMATE IN TEAM ELIMINATION WARFARE, FEATURING….

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TEAM CAPTAINS SABA SIMBA AND THE DRAGON, ALONG WITH THEIR RESPECTIVE PARTNERS, KAMALA AND THE STALKER, ALONG WITH DIEGO, EL MATADOR, FERNANDO, THE MAN’S MAN. IT’S THE SUBTLE STEREOTYPES, TAKING ON NEEDLESS REPACKAGING!

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TEAM CAPTAINS BASTION BOOGER AND THE GOBBLEDY GOOKER, JOIN FELLOW MEMBERS, NORMAN THE LUNATIC AND THE RED ROOSTER, ALONG WITH FRIAR FERGUSON, RICHARD JOHNSON, TRUCKER NORM, ROD JOHNSON. IT’S THE FOUR FACES OF SHAW, AGAINST COCKS AND DICKS!

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TEAM CAPTAINS DR. ISAAC YANKEM DDS AND DAVID ARQUETTE, THEY TEAM UP WITH DUKE THE DUMPSTER, AND THAT 70S GUY, ALONG WITH MANTAUR, OKLAHOMA, THE MAN OF WAR, AND THE ARTIST. IT’S MCMAHON’S MISHAPS AGAINST RUSSO’S WRETCHES!

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TEAM CAPTAINS PACMAN JONES AND THE SHOCKMASTER, JOIN FELLOW MEMBERS, CLAIRE LYNCH AND THE BLACK SCORPION, AS THEY JOIN BUBBA THE LOVE SPONGE, CHEATUM, SUPER ERIC, AND EL GIGANTE. IT’S TN-AWFUL, TAKING ON TURNER’S TRASH HEAP!

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TEAM CAPTAINS REAL DEAL REYNOLDS AND MICHAEL COLE, CAPTAIN RESPECTIVE TEAMS OF MIDNIGHT ROSE AND HORNSWOGGLE, ALONG WITH ART O’DONNELL, SANTINA MARELLA, JUSTIN HENRY, AND THE MIZ! IT’S TEAM WRESTLECRAP, AGAINST WWE TV-PG!

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IT’S THE WRESTLE-CRAP SURVIIIIIIIIIVAHHHHH SERIEEEEEEEEEEES!

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GM: Welcome to the WrestleCrap Survivor Series! This crowd is jam-packed to the rafters here in suburban Cleveland, OH; the SRO signs went out a week ago for this awesome extravaganza!

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GM: I’m Gorilla Monsoon, along with Jesse “The Pilgrim” Ventura! Jess, we have five big elimination matches in front of us, not to mention the Grand Finale Ultimate Match of Survival!

JV: Hah, Happy Thanksgiving to you, Monsoon! You’re probably so stuffed from the 20-pound turkey you inhaled earlier, you won’t even be able to get pumped up for this night of action! I saw them wheel you out here on the hand-truck–

GM: Oh brother, I can tell I’m in for a long evening, aren’t I?

JV: *You’re* in for a long evening?!? You better thank your lucky stars you’re working with me, because once all that tryptophan kicks in, I’ll be carrying the broadcast here!

GM: Oh boy, we’re in trouble, folks…..let’s kick things off here, and go up to Howard Finkel!

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*cue “Dragon Fire” by Jim Johnston*

HF: Our opening contest here at the WrestleCrap Survivor Series is an elimination match! Introducing first, Needless Repackaging! At a total combined weight of 972 lbs, here are The Dragon, The Stalker, El Matador, and The Real Man’s Man!

GM: An impressive group of youngsters, Jesse, these four men are looking to make their mark in the squared circle in a big way! Doing just that at the Survivor Series would draw some looks from the WrestleCrap Championship Committee for sure!

JV: Wait a minute, Monsoon, these aren’t some wet-behind-the-ears rookies! You’ve got legitimate champions in there like Ricky Steamboat and Tito Santana! These are seasoned veterans! Those two alone are former Intercontinental Heavyweight Champions!

GM: Well, excuse me! I do believe if you look at the record books, you’ll find Santana and Steamboat’s names, yes! But you WON’T see the names of The Dragon and El Matador, I got news for ya!

JV: The people aren’t stupid, Monsoon! They see right through McMahon’s needless repackaging! Why do you think the team’s NAMED that in the first place?

GM (ignoring): Wow, The Dragon nearly singed the Fink’s eyebrows with that roaring fireball! It’s hot and heavy here at the Richfield Coliseum!

*cue the regrettable African drumming song Jim Johnston put together in 1990*

HF: And their opponents, accompanied by Reverend Slick and El Torito, here are The Subtle Stereotypes! At a total combined weight of 1062 lbs, here are Saba Simba, The Ugandan Giant Kamala, and Los Matadores!

GM: What an impressive sight is Kamala, the Ugandan Giant. Ever since he’s come under the tutelage of Reverend Slick, we’ve seen more focus than ev–

JV: Wait, wait…..REVEREND Slick?

GM: That’s right, some time ago, Slick parted ways with the unseemly elements of his life, and is now devoted to making the world a better place!

JV: Alright, fine! But that doesn’t mean he had to part ways with Jive Soul Bro! That was a toe-tapper if I’ve ever heard one!

GM: The ring’s been heavily reinforced, a good thing for when Kamala’s in action. Concerned look on the face of the likes of The Dragon and The Man’s Man, wondering how they’re going to bring the big man down. It will take more than one man, I’ve got news for ya.

JV: I’d use The Stalker for chopping down Kamala; he’s the biggest athlete on that team, and they’re going to need to rely on that strength.

GM: Bell’s rung and we’re under way as Diego kicks things off with El Matador. Bullfighter against bullfighter!

JV: You know, Monsoon, my sources tell me that Los Matadores are actually from the island of Puerto Rico.

GM: So what, Jess?

JV: So what? Bullfighting is ILLEGAL in Puerto Rico! The island is part of the US Commonwealth, and they adhere to our laws! You can’t go to a bullfight in Minneapolis, can you?

GM (ignoring): Oh, big arm drag from El Matador, and another one! This young man really putting it together as he cinches on that arm wrench!

JV: And the psychological advantage a team gets going up 4 to 3, that can change the momentum of the match in a hurry, no matter who comprises that trio!

GM: Matador now, whips Diego off the ropes, misses the clothesline…oh, was that a tag? Fernando I think got a piece of his partner, Matador didn’t see it as he scoops Diego on the rebound….aww, flying dropkick from Fernando! Good teamwork!

JV: That’s the name of the game, is survival! Quick tags and craftiness are needed to carry you through to the end!

GM: Fernando cranking on that headlock, really putting some mustard on it.

JV: I’d say he’s putting some picante on it, but that’s not really a ‘subtle’ stereotype, is it?

GM: Please! Matador shoots Fernando off….oh, I think Man’s Man planted a knee into the kidneys of Fernando! Ref didn’t see it….and there it is, El Paso de Muerte! Forget about it, Fernando’s down for the count!

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JV: How about THAT, Monsoon?! It’s not every day Chico Santana is the willing beneficiary of an illegal double team!

GM: What are you talking about?!

JV: Well, you saw where Stev—er, the “Man’s Man” aided Chic–I mean, “El Matador” with….you know what, forget it.

GM: Saba Simba didn’t waste time getting in there, taking down Matador with a nice shoulder block! Excuse me, that’ll uh….that’ll leave you with a negative attitude!

JV: Well, Matador’s not one to back down, he’s taking the fight to Atl–, er, Simba *mutters*

GM: Quick tag made to The Man’s Man, who unloads the heavy artillery in a hurry. Nice short uppercuts!

JV: That’s what you gotta do with Simba, although I wouldn’t recommend hitting him in the head. You’re just wasting your time. And what a scoop and a slam from The Real Man’s Man!

GM: Tag made, here comes the Stalker. If anyone knows about surviving the elements, it certainly would be him!

JV: Tell me, is this Stalker an able Horseman? Or does he travel the wilderness alone?

GM: I don’t know Jess, I’ve never hung out with the guy! Aww, Stalker got caught off guard with that knife-edge chop, caught him flush on the neck!

JV: Stalker’s gasping for air, the Dragon knows all ab–ahh, nevermind….

GM: Simba with the shoulderblock, does he have him? Yes, he does! Stalker is history!

JV: Stalker’s night as over, he had the wind knocked out of him, and we’re evened up, 3 on 3!

GM: Simba tags out to Diego as The Dragon makes his way in for the first time!

JV: We’re in for a treat, Monsoon, this Dragon is one of the finest technicians on the entire planet. Diego doesn’t know what he’s in for!

GM: Dragon armdrags Diego over, and there’s another one! Incredible hang time as he goes deep on the throws! And there’s a chop to crown the head!

JV: Diego needs to make a tag, he’s clearly overmatched!

GM: Dragon to the top, Diego’s on Dream Street already….flying cross body! 2 and…3! That was all Dragon as–LOOK OUT.

JV: Kamala just crunched the Dragon with Air Africa!

GM: And he gets him! Just like that, The Dragon is history!

JV: The Dragon rolls off of Diego and goes to catch his breath, and then finds himself pinned beneath nearly 400 lbs of the Ugandan Giant!

GM: A rookie mistake here at the WrestleCrap Survivor Series!

JV: ……yeah. Well Man’s Man and El Matador have to decide who’s going to take on this behemoth. I guarantee you, it’s going to take a concerted effort.

GM: Absolutely. Even then, Kamala still has someone to tag, even if he is winded. Here we go, The Real Man’s Man will give it a go against the Ugandan Giant. And he’s going to slug it out with him!

JV: Big left hands from the Man’s Man, but they’re having no effect, Monsoon!

GM: Kamala barely even reeling from those shots, and that shoulder tackle didn’t even budge him! Tag made to El Matador, who heads up top…..flying shoulder tackle knocks Kamala into his corner! Reverend Slick is beside himself, getting all bent out of shape!

JV: Simba tags himself in, I don’t think Matador realiz–he’s got Matador up and plants him with the military press!

GM: Matador splats on the canvas, and Simba gets the pin! Wow, the action’s moving quick, and the Man’s Man realizes he’s all alone!

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JV: Boy, I don’t envy the Man’s Man one bit, Monsoon!

GM: He reluctantly makes his way through the ropes, trying to formulate a plan. He wants to be a part of that Grand Finale Ultimate Match of Survival as much as anyone.

JV: He had better pin Simba quickly, otherwise he’ll have no energy left for Kamala, and that’s impossible enough for even the strongest of men!

GM: I agree with that sentiment, he’d….wait a minute, he’s got Simba’s tribal spear!

JV: This is wrong in more ways than one, Monsoon! McMahon’s gonna lose that Mattel sponsorship if he does anything with that! Looking at Simba, how DOES McMahon still have sponsors?!

GM: Man’s Man throws the spear down, the referee removing it from….what’s The Man’s Man have? OH!

JV: That looked like brass knuckles, Monsoon! The power of the punch has waylaid Saba Simba!

GM: Referee did not see it, and Man’s Man gets the pin! Holy smokes, I can’t believe it!

JV: But it’s not over, because here comes Kamala, and he’s on the attack! Is Joey Marella going to get those knucks away from The Man’s Man?! What an incompetent referee, who hired him, Monsoon?!

GM: Kamala with the Irish whip, he floors Man’s Man with the kick. You’re right, he still does have the knucks! Kamala choking away, he has to break on four!

JV: Reverend Slick on the apron now, he’s pointing out the obvious to Marella!

GM: The referee tied up with Slick, he’s lost control of–MAN’S MAN NAILS KAMALA WITH THE KNUCKS!

JV: Kamala’s not off his feet though, he drops to a knee at the ropes! I don’t know how he’s still conscious, Gino!

GM: Man’s Man up now, he’s rearing back for another shot!

JV: A little double-pump, coming up!

GM: OH, KAMALA JUST STRUCK MAN’S MAN WITH A….IS THAT A BOWLING BALL?!?!

JV: WHAT?!? WHERE DID KAMALA GET A BOWLING BALL?! DOES HE EVEN KNOW WHAT BOWLING IS?!

GM: Kamala pulled that from the floor, and Man’s Man is unconscious! Air Africa connects, and you can count to a hundred! It’s all over! Let’s get the official word!

HF: Here is your winner, and sole survivor, The Ugandan Giant, Kamala!

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GM: Kamala will advance to the Grand Finale Ultimate Match of Survival, and Reverend Slick looks mighty pleased! Let’s go back and take a look at how this transpired!

JV: Well, Monsoon, we see The Real Man’s Man strike Kamala with the knucks behind the referee’s back. That doesn’t drop the monster, so he goes for the kill shot, and Kamala somehow produces a bowling ball decorated with his war paint design, he clocks Man’s Man over the head, and that was academic, even before he landed his splash!

GM: Plenty of more action still to come; let’s take you to Mean Gene!

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GO: I’m standing here with the captain of Cocks and Dicks, an individual whose inception in professional wrestling, I bore witness to firsthand! Making reference of course to the Gobbledy Gooker! Gooker, it’s been 23 years since you hatched from the egg, and you’ve been the biggest laughingstock out of everybody that’s ever stepped through those ropes! Will tonight be your redemption, as you lead fellow maligned athletes into battle, here at the WrestleCrap Survivor Series?

GG: Naming your award for worst of the year after me, RD Reynolds? Once I win my match, the joke’s gonna be on you. I hope you’re in the Grand Finale, you two-bit radio hack. Tonight, I take my revenge. I’m going to take whatever’s left of you, and stick on MY trophy case. Voy a nadar en la sangre, Reynolds.

GO: Well uh…..certainly NOT the answer I was….eggs-pecting! Back to Gorilla and Jesse!

GM: Well, we’ll be seeing the Gobbledy Gooker in action shortly, but for right now, my partner has bailed out on us for some reason. Something about a turkey leg covered in thermite, he wasn’t making any sense. It looks like I may have to fly solo for–

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BH: That’s where you’re WRONG, banana breath!

GM: Aww, I spoke too soon! We’re in trouble folks–

BH: What would Thanksgiving be without The Brain, Monsoon? Jesse the Body warned me you were sandbagging him out here….

GM: Sandbagging?!?!

BH: So *I’m* here to keep you in line! Just follow my lead and my direction, and we’ll be in ship shape, pal.

GM: Let’s go up to The Fink!

BH: Hey, that’s supposed to be at my cue….

*cue “Boogerman” by Jim Johnston*

HF: The following contest is a 4 on 4 elimination match! Introducing first, accompanied by Theodore R Long, here are the Four Faces of Shaw! At a combined weight of 1604 lbs, Bastion Booger, Norman the Lunatic, Friar Ferguson, and Trucker Norm!

GM: Did Howard say 1604 lbs?

BH: Ho-hooooo. That’s a lot of giblets.

GM: These four individuals are all personas of the same wrestler, so we’re not exactly sure how they’re all able to appear at the same time.

BH: I told you before, Monsoon, it’s all an illusion. The man is a skilled magician–

GM: Will you STOP, that’s Doink the Clown!

BH: No, that’s Bastion Booger. I don’t see any make-up on him, do you?

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GM: Is Jesse coming back, by any chance?

BH: Why would he? I’ve got things covered here.

GM: I was afraid of that. Anyway, the combined weight of these four monstrosities are going to make them hard to beat!

BH: And don’t forget, my good friend Theodore Long is down there to direct traffic! If it wasn’t for me, Mr. Long would be the greatest manager in the history of professional wrestling!

GM: Oh, baloney. Weren’t you Ric Flair’s financial advisor? Isn’t THAT why he’s in the mess he’s in now?

BH: Ric and I had an unfortunate falling out.

GM: Oh, I’m sure!

BH: I told him buying XFL stock was the wrong way to go. Crude oil futures is more on the level.

*cue “Turkey in the Straw” by Jim Johnston*

Their opponents, led toward the ring by Mortimer Plumtree, here are Cocks and Dicks! At a total combined weight of 1061 lbs, here are the Gobbledy Gooker, the Red Rooster, and the Johnsons!

GM: Ohhh, take a look! The Gobbledy Gooker, a crowd favorite here among the WrestleCrap faithful! And there’s the man you took all the way to the bottom, the Red Rooster, Brain!

BH: He didn’t need my help getting there, believe me.

GM: Quite an unusual collection of talent assembled one team. They may have the intestinal fortitude to take it to the Four Faces of Shaw.

BH: They’re a mean group. I would advise against strangling any of them, unless you want to get spittle in your eyes–

GM: Will you be serious!

BH: Are you talking to me? It’s deafening in here!

GM: Yes, I’m talking to you!

BH: What?!

GM: I don’t even know who this Plumtree piece of work is, Brain. I’m not sure what he’s doing with these two individuals dressed in flesh-colored bodysuits either, but we’re probably better NOT knowing.

BH: They look like the kind of Oscar statues Pee-Wee Herman would want to win.

GM: Bell’s gone and we’re under way. Looks like Trucker Norm will kick things off with the Gooker. I don’t know much about this Trucker Norm fellow, Brain. He might be the X-factor of this Shaw foursome, as far as we know.

BH: He got lost a lot out on the highway, couldn’t read a map, and that’s how he lost his job.  Tragic, too, he was supposed to deliver Rogaine to Verne Gagne’s house.

GM: I’m not expecting a scientific battle, to put things mildly. Oh, look out! Trucker Norm misses an avalanche in the corner, and he gets schoolboyed! That’s it!

BH: How stupid do you have to be to get outwitted by a turkey?! Well, he IS wearing bib overalls….

GM: Made a mistake and paid for it. We’ll see how Booger fares with the Gooker!

BH: Surprised Booger’s not armed with a turkey baster. What do you wanna bet he bites him, Monsoon?

GM: It wouldn’t surprise me at all,  Brain. Gooker playing hard to get with Booger, going to make this disgusting individual chase him around, if he can coax him. Highly unlikely you’re gonna see Booger in any speed faster than “waddle”, I got news for you!

BH: Nah, Booger’s having none of it. He already tagged Friar Tuck.

GM: That’s Friar Ferguson!

BH: I was gonna say, he looked less merry than I thought. How long was this Ferguson in the World Wrestling Federation, Monsoon?

GM: About a week.

BH: He had to take a vow of silence to become a Friar. I think most of Randy Orton’s fans took that same vow–

GM: Will you STOP.

BH: Wait….what’s Friar got there?

GM: He’s got that container of holy water, Brain! He’ll get disqualified if he uses it, and rightfully so!

BH: Maybe he’s going to bless that turkey before Booger plucks it!

GM: Look out, from behind! Friar just caught Rod Johnson right in the eyes with the holy water! Rod tried to intervene, and gets blinded as a result!

BH: That’s the most blessed Rod I’ve ever seen! Wait…

GM: Oh, Gooker hooks the arms of Friar, and brings him down with a crucifix, and he got em! Just like that, it’s 4 on 2!

BH: Rod Johnson will be pleased to know this once he get the divinity out of his eyeballs. I thought the preachers on TV *cured* blindness? Remember when Brother Love fixed that blind man?

GM: You think he actually cured a blind man, Brain?!

BH: He once helped me lose 2 lbs, just by touching my hips!

GM: That’s because he pickpocketed your wallet!

BH: …….huh. Now that you mention it….

GM: Back to live action, Richard Johnson and Norman the Lunatic going at it tooth and nail. At least I *think* that’s Richard Johnson. It’s hard to tell one Johnson from the other, Brain!

BH: That’s what Missy Hyatt used to say, anyway.

GM: Norman’s got Richard in the wrong part of town, tag made to Booger. They have to work to overcome this 4 on 2 disadvantage. Boy, the complexion of this match, Brain, it changes in the blink of an eye. Because of two stupid mistakes, the Shaw team is down two men.

BH: Well, Norman will stay in line, with Theodore Long holding that big gold key. He has a reason to focus; they don’t serve turkey and stuffing where he’s staying!

GM: Richard Johnson dropped hard with a clothesline and….oh oh, look out, could be a Trip to the Batcave and…..OH! Right down on the breadbasket!

BH: You can slide him under a door, he’s finished!

GM: Odds are a little more manageable for the Shaw contingent, and Rooster…..Rooster refuses to enter the ring! This is supposed to be a team effort!

BH: I knew leaving him in the gutter was the right thing to do….

GM: That’s not how I remember it going down!

BH (ignoring): Rod Johnson’s gonna go at it, and Booger drops him with a shoulder block. C’mon, call the action, the Humanoids could uh….could use your insight.

GM: I still think Rod Johnson’s vision is impaired, Brain. Concerned look on the face of Mortimer Plumtree, that fountain of misinformation at ringside. And Booger drops a thunderous leg!

BH: Looks like both Johnsons will be sharing a feeding tube.

GM: Tag made to Norman, that was hardly necessary. Big splash on Rod! Forget about it! His night is over, and it’s all evened up!

BH: Look at Rooster, he’s insisting that Gooker get in the ring!

GM: I don’t understand this whatsoever; he hasn’t even broken a sweat yet! Everyone’s been in so far except for him!

BH: What cowardice! I never encouraged this from him, Monsoon–

GM: Oh, Norman brings him in the hard way! Now we’re gonna see what this Rooster is made of! The Lunatic working him over against the turnbuckle!

BH: I think I hear a “Beat That Cock” chant, Monsoon.

GM: Norman shoots him across….ohh, the pool was empty when Norman dove in! Nobody home–and what’s Rooster got?

BH: That’s that asylum key! He’s gonna waffle Norman with it!

GM: Theodore Long to the apron, he’s trying to grab it away! If he’s smart, he’d let The Red Rooster get himself disqualified!

BH: Rooster’s winning the tug of war, and Norman snatches the key! He just hit Rooster!

GM: What a mistake that was, he’s outta here…..but he’s leaving with the key! He doesn’t need Teddy Long!

BH: You mean that maniac’s going to be walking the streets tonight?! I don’t think I locked my Yug–er, my Mercedes!

GM: Booger’s gotta go it alone, and he’s preparing to take Rooster to the Batcave! And what’s Gooker doing?

BH: Looks like he’s showing Booger a little leg!

GM: Booger distracted by the Gooker, who’s waving that drumstick right at Booger, and Booger looks hungry! Gooker’s inviting him over!

BH: Rooster’s stirring, crawling for the tag! Booger, pay attention!

GM: Booger’s not aware of WHAT’S going on! Tag is made, and Gooker springboards in with a dropkick on Booger! And it’s a beauty!

BH: This might be the worst Thanksgiving Booger’s ever had, Monsoon. It’s like a millionaire having a horrible Christmas!

GM: Gooker off the top with a crossbody, it is enough….yes, he gets him! Let’s get the official word!

HF: Here are your survivors, The Gobbledy Gooker and The Red Rooster!

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BH: I can’t believe it, that dumb Rooster’s going to be in the main event!

GM: If you were still managing him, you could have picked from two winners’ purses tonight!

BH: What a waste of a holiday…..

GM: These two will join Kamala in the Grand Finale, but for right now, let’s go to Sean Mooney!

BH: WHO?!

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SM: Joining me are McMahon’s Mishaps, comprised of “The Man of War” Aldo Montoya, Duke the Dumpster, Mantaur, and their captain, Dr. Isaac Yankem! Gentlemen, do you feel you have what it takes to defeat your spiritual doppelgangers, Russo’s Wretches? And can you give your answers in an over-the-top, incoherent 1980s promo fashion?

AM: Are kidding, Sean! THANKSGIVING NIGHT! And we give thanks for the beating we’re about to dole out! Oklahoma! You want to make fun of Jim Ross?! Tonight, you’re gonna find out what BOOMER SOONER really means!!

DD: That’s right, listen up That 70′s Guy! Your disco music is absolute TRASH, and I KNOW what trash is! Prepare to be COMPACTED!!!!

M: ARTIST! IT DOESN’T RAIN PURPLE ON THE ISLE OF CRETE, BUT TONIGHT, IT’S GONNA RAIN BLACK AND BLUE ON YOUUUUUU!!!!!

IY: David Arquette, I’m gonna put a cheerleader dress on you, and do unspeakable things to you!

(awkward silence)

SM: Well, uh….well you heard the man! Back to you, Gorilla and Bobby!

GM: Holy smokes, that’s one team that really, REALLY has its priorities straight!

BH: You bet! I see Dr. Yankem’s been teaching classes at the Terry Garvin School of Self-Defense!

GM: Let’s go up to Howard Finkel!

*cue Bif Naked’s crap version of “We’re Not Gonna Take It”*

HF: The following contest is a 4 on 4 elimination match! Introducing first, accompanied by Paisley, here are Russo’s Wretches! At a total combined weight of 872 lbs, here are David Arquette, That 70′s Guy, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea, and Oklahoma!

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GM: Here they are, a collection of misfits that helped bury the refuse that was World Championship Wrestling! Your meal ticket Ric Flair absconding with the “Real World’s Championship” couldn’t do a THIRD of the damage these creeps did!

BH: Hey come on now, I *worked* there, Monsoon.

GM: So?

BH: I can do a MUCH better job of tearing that glorified outhouse down than you can!

GM: Oh, well, excuse me!

BH: They should’ve taken Arquette, old man Charlie Weaver’s scrawny nephew, painted him white from head to toe, and strung him up a flagpole. Because him becoming World Champion was as much a concession speech as anything.

GM: Was that Oklahoma’s idea, or was that Russo’s?

BH: Schiavone’s, actually. You can blame anything on Schiavone, usually. I blame him for the Obamacare website.

*cue the creepy drill music*

HF: Their opponents, accompanied by James E. Cornette, here are McMahon’s Mishaps! At a total combined weight of 1249 lbs, here are Dr. Isaac Yankem, “The Portuguese Man of War” Aldo Montoya, Mantaur, and Duke “The Dumpster” Droese!

GM: As much as I owe my comfort to Vince McMahon, Brain, this was definitely the darkest period I experienced. At this point, my friend Vince felt every wrestler needed a second job to go along with being a wrestler. A dentist, a trash collector….

BH: What was Montoya’s job, nesting doll for the colorblind?

GM: Talk about your series of misfires, hence the name. One miscarriage of justice after another!

BH: While you were presiding over this, I had to pretend Evad Sullivan was a legitimate contender. Maybe Jesse had the right idea bailing out. I think I’m gonna run for Governor, Monsoon….

GM: Governor of where?!

BH: Well uh….you live in Jersey, right? Wouldn’t you like to have me running your state?

GM: Forget it, Chris Christie already won re-election in a landslide weeks ago.

BH: Maybe he’ll appoint me Secretary of Agriculture! I’m sure El Matador will be looking for work–

GM: Will you be serious?!

BH: It’s a tough economy, Monsoon. Trying to be magnanimous on this day of giving.

GM: Bell’s gone, we’re under way as Yankem and That 70′s Guy kick things off. Couple of real behemoths in there. Hoo, I’m glad I retired!

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BH: When you get past the leisure suit and sissy coif, That 70′s Guy is a dangerous human being. Strong, too; I’ve seen him throw people like horseshoes. He can squeeze a nickel into five pennies.

GM: Test of strength goes nowhere, a stalemate. Wait–Arquette wants a tag!

BH: Oh, this oughta be good. What’s he going to do, force Yankem to watch See Spot Run? He can lull him to sleep.

GM: Arquette now, doing the Worm, a prelude to his finisher, a spear tackle. Shouldn’t he at least take big Isaac Yankem off of his feet? He’s wasting energy!

BH: It’s no wonder why everyone who watched Scream was rooting for Ghostface.

GM: He–oh, he tried the spear and Yankem caught him! He tried to catch him off guard, and it didn’t work!

BH: Look at Arquette flailing his legs! He’s trapped, and he knows it!

GM: Arquette telegraphed that move! Yankem flips Arquette, drops him with a Tombstone!

BH: Wait, why is….why did Isaac….

GM: Forget about it, Arquette finally takes a fall! Yankem disposes of him from the–OH, LOOK OUT!

BH: Those are flames shooting from the ring posts!

GM: Not sure why that happened, but Dr. Isaac Yankem seems to have facilitated that bit of pyromania! Holy smokes!

BH: Good thing nothing caught fire, otherwise Vince’d have to call Keith Hart. Hey, which one was his brother, you know, the clueless loser who always wore his sunglasses indoors…

GM: You’re referring to Bruce Hart!

BH: Oh, so we agree he’s a clueless loser then!

GM: Yankem working over Oklahoma in the corner now. I hope everyone on the McMahon team gets a shot at this piece of garbage for his insulting portrayal!

BH: They’d know how to do it, too. They’ve seen the way McMahon’s treated the actual Jim Ross!

GM: Yankem scoops and slams Oklahoma, now makes the tag to Mantaur. Cornette hollering instructions; I think he’s got a horse in this particular race.

BH: Maybe Mantaur will disfigure Oklahoma’s face with one of his hooves.

GM: Poetic justice, for sure!

BH: C’mon ref!

GM: Referee Earl Hebner admonishing Mantaur for going to the eyes….what’s Cornette doing?

BH: He just cracked him one with that tennis racket! He double-faulted Oklahoma right between the eyes!

GM: Hebner didn’t see it, and Mantaur drops the splash! Stick a fork in Oklahoma, he’s done!

BH: Pour some Main Event Mustard in those wounds, pal.

GM: Things not looking good for Russo’s Wretches. That 70′s Guy and The Artist are gonna have to run the table here. Wouldn’t count the big man out, though, he’s cap–wait a minute!

BH: I thought I smelled sewage. What’s he doing down here?

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GM: Vince Russo making his presence felt here in Richfield, OH! He’s here to help what’s left of his team!

BH: He should be bringing out a crane to lift Oklahoma into his hospital bed.

GM: He wants to talk strategy with his charges, it seems. Highly unlikely he has a worthwhile idea in that mangled brain of his!

BH: The only good thing he ever did in WCW was give Paisley’s husband a deserved chance to become a World Champion. But that was like trying to put out a towering inferno with a squirt gun in the grand scheme of things.

GM: The Artist will go toe to toe with Montoya. I can only imagine what verbiage that bearded rat imparted on his man there. Artist goes to a side headlock, and Montoya drops him with a beautiful back suplex!

BH: Like all bad Russo ideas, he’ll just pretend it never happened, and try something else.

GM: I’m just surprised he suggested a wrestling hold! That’s not exactly his forte, is it? Back into a collar-and-elbow tie-up, Artist with another headlock…..he rips off the mask of Montoya!

BH: Huh…he looks less Portuguese than I would’ve guessed!

GM: Wait, what’s Russo doing? He’s got the microphone!

VR: EV-REE-BUDDY, LOOK AT AL-DO MONTOYA HEAH. He’s not REALLY Por-cha-geeze, he’s act-cha-lee PEE JAY WAL-KAH FROM KA-NET-UH-KIT.

GM: He’s pulling back the curtain on the act!

BH: This crowd doesn’t seem like they care! I can hear the crickets buying cotton candy up in the cheap seats!

VR: PEE JAY, VINCE MICK-MAN DOESN’T HAVE FAITH IN YOU! HE MADE YOU A CAH-TOON KAR-ICK-TER!

GM: The groans from this crowd are something to behold!

BH: PJ or Aldo just looks confused. He’s not alone in that regard.

GM: WOAH, FROM BEHIND! Pearl Harbor job from That 70′s Guy, who tagged in during the distraction! He’s got Montoya up, and drops him with the Awesome Bomb! Forget about it!

BH: It’s 3 on 2!

GM: Russo’s Wretches are right back in this. I gotta give Russo a little bit of credit, that idea actually worked!

BH: Well, broken clocks are right twice a day.

GM: That 70′s Guy tangling with Droese now. Maybe we’ll get lucky and The Duke will stuff Russo in that trash can when all’s said and done.

BH: Feels like the momentum’s shifted. I don’t know if Droese can match power with That 70′s Guy. And really, what a moniker to give to a heartless killer who ragdolls everyone he faces. Russo went to Julliard, you know. He was the fill-in janitor.

GM: What a spinebuster on Droese! You’re right, Brain, it feels like the Wretches have taken control of this one. The wind has really gone out of the sails of the Mishaps. Tag made, Artist headed up top. BEAUTIFUL swan dive, but a two count is all.

BH: The real story will be to see how long Cornette can go without running around and giving Russo a little Jimmy Connors upside the noggin.

GM: Artist cutting the ring in half, preventing Droese from tagging as he puts the boots to him. Could be softening him up for that flying DDT he favors.

BH: Oh, he’s going up!

GM: Just as I say that, Artist heads to the top rope…..and Droese avoids the dive! The Artist crashes in a heap!

BH: Droese needs to make a tag, I see Mantaur and Yankem just champing at the bit.

GM: Wait a minute, Russo barking at Paisley. Is this another one of his harebrained ideas?

BH: Paisley just dropped to the floor, she’s clutching her midsection and screaming!

GM: Oh, boy, not another miscarriage storyline! Give me a break! We KNOW this isn’t real, because Booker T had a vasectomy! His doctor really reinforced those vas deferens!

BH: Boy, I’ll bet the SRO signs went out early for that one.

GM: Duke looks confused, he may be distracted!

BH: He better look behind him!

GM: Artist to his feet, he’s gon–WOAH!

BH: OH MY GOD!

GM: Isaac Yankem just cued his arms, and a bolt of lightning struck The Artist! HOLY MACKEREL!

BH: How can some friendly neighborhood dentist defy the laws of thermodynamics like that? None of this makes any sense!

GM: You can forget about The Artist, Droese just pinned the smoldering remains! That 70′s Guy is all Russo has left!

BH: Yeah, but if I had to bet on one man overcoming three opponents, my money would be on this guy right here. Unless he gets a jolt of electricity through his polyester pants, too.

GM: You lose money all the time! Your gambling addiction has robbed you of any chance you’ve had at being wealthy!

BH: It happens, Monsoon. I mean, who among us DIDN’T think the Russians were going to win in Miracle?

GM: Are you kidding me? That was based on real life events!

BH: Oh, like I’m supposed to remember every single hockey box score, Monsoon!

GM: That 70′s Guy taking it to Mantaur. Duke needed to get out of there, but even a fresh Mantaur is struggling with this towering retro-lover.

BH: He’s Russo’s last hope. That and a wrestling promoter with lots of cash who isn’t familiar with his work.

GM: That 70′s Guy has got Mantaur up, that’s 400 lbs! DROPS HIM WITH THE AWESOME BOMB! Goodnight!

BH: It’s about to be 2-on–

*cue “No Chance in Hell”*

GM: WAIT A MINUTE!

BH: The Boss is here!

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GM: Power walking his way out, and Russo’s beside himself! Huh, he looks like he’s seen a ghost!

BH: That 70′s Guy is also distracted by Vince’s kaopectate walk!! He didn’t see Mantaur tag Yankem!

GM: McMahon’s going right for Russo! This could get ugly!

BH: Vince won’t let anybody kill his creations except for him! That, and a lack of people who wouldn’t pay to see bodybuilding….

GM: Yankem just shot a fireball into the face of That 70′s Guy! He scores the pin, it’s all over for the match, but not for the extra-curricular activity!

BH: Russo runs into the ring, but right into Yankem’s waiting arms! This won’t end well, I can assure you!

JR: Bah Gawd, Vince Russo’s got a family! And Vince McMahon isn’t gonna end the onslaught, until that man is bathed in his own blood!

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BH: Where did Jim Ross come from?

GM: Let’s sit back for a moment, he’s got this….

JR: McMahon on the mic. By gawd, I shudder to THINK what he has planned!

VM: So, Mr. Russo, you overbook this match with outside interference, an unmasking, AND a fake miscarriage? You put forth your usual brand of oversaturation because you think this match NEEDS it?

VR: Well, I–

VM: SHADDUP! If ANYONE’S going to overbook a match, it’s going to be ME!!!!!! COME ON OUT HERE!

*cue “I Won’t Do What You Tell Me” by Jim Johnston*

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JR: STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! AUSTIN’S DRIVING A BEER TRUCK! VINCE RUSSO’S GOT NOWHERE TO GO! MCMAHON’S GONNA TRUMP RUSSO’S OVERBOOKING WITH A BEER BATH, FOLLOWED BY A BEER BASH!

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JR: AUSTIN’S SOAKING RUSSO WITH A GUSHING STREAM OF STEVEWEISER! HE’S GONNA POWER WASH RUSSO’S BAH GAWD TONSILS OUT HIS ASS! AUSTIN WON’T STOP UNTIL HE’S DROWNED VINCE RUSSO IN HIS OWN SORROWS! AUSTIN IN THE RING….STUNNER! AND NOW AUSTIN AND MCMAHON AND YANKEM ARE SHARING A BEER! I WAS MAD ABOUT IT IN 2001, BUT IT’S FINE NOW BECAUSE BOTH ARE TECHNICALLY BABYFACES IN THE TWILIGHT OF THEIR RUNS! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! NOW THAT’S HOW YOU OVERBOOK SOMETHING!

VM: Vince Russo! YOU’RRRRRRRRRRE! FIIRRRRRRRRRRED!

JR: AND THAT AS WELL! IT’S CARNAGE! IT’S MAYHEM! IT’S EVERY TWIST THAT THE ATTITUDE ERA KILLED DEAD SHOEHORNED IN FOR THE SAKE OF BY GAWD IRONIC NOSTALGIA! AND WE HAVEN’T EVEN GOT FINK’S WORD YET!

HF: Here are your survivors, Mantaur, Duke “The Dumpster” Droese, and Dr. Isaac Yankem, DDS!

GM: Thank you, Jim Ross, for that stirring call on a very chaotic series of events!

BH: Why’s my seat wet, what got sprayed on it?!

GM: Plenty more action still to come. Let’s take you now to Mean Gene, who’s with TNAwful!

GO: Joining me are four individuals who, like Russo’s Wretches, drew the ire of wrestling fans the world over after having been unleashed in a second-rate promotion! Unfortunately, their brush with the big time didn’t coincide with wrestling’s hottest era, and thus they’re less memorable puddles of refuse! Making reference of course to TNAwful! Captain Pacman Jones, what about it?

PJ: Man, nobody betta touch me, it’s in mah contract. No contact say the contract. Else it’s gon’ rain up in here, you feel me?

GO: Super Eric, alter ego of Eric Young!

SE: Turner’s Trash Heap, you better beware, especially you, Black Scorpion! My hero Sting got you once, and I’ll finish the job!

GO: Pointless sideshow Claire Lynch!

CL: I make three dollars an hour playing Olive Oyl at Universal, and this is actually a more degrading gig. Is OJ Styles here, am I working with him?

GO: And Wolfman Jack without the talent or likability, Bubba the Love Sponge!

BLS: Hulk lets me smell his fingers!

GO: There you have it, a team about as organized as the company for which they once inhabited! Back to Gorilla and Bobby!

GM: Well we’re gonna take a five minute break here in Richfield, and you folks at home should as well. Get some pumpkin pie or some other groceries, and we’ll see you back here in five!

CRAPTIME

alfred

LAH: Promotional consideration, paid for by the following!

V/O: Check out the WrestleCrap Black Friday Sale! Both the original WrestleCrap book, and the WrestleCrap Book of Lists, just $15 together!

GM: We hope you’re settled in there at home, because the action’s getting hot and heavy here at the WrestleCrap Survivor Series! It’s going—hey, where’d that Weasel go?!

monven2

JV: Bobby was gracious enough to fill in while I had a couple of stogies out back. You know how McMahon is when it comes to smokers!

GM: You stuck me with that unscrupulous walking advertisement for birth control, just so you could go have a smoke?! Give me a break!

JV: I didn’t miss nothing, did I, Monsoon?

GM: Well, there are six men that have advanced to the Grand Finale. Among the field are Kamala, the Gobbledy Gooker, Red Rooster, Dr. Isaac Yankem, Duke the Dumpster, and Mantaur!

JV: Wait a minute, the ROOSTER’S in the big finale? That’s the last time I ever get my cigars from THAT joint! God only knows what hallucinogens they were laced with!

GM: Let’s go up to Howard!

*cue “He’s Back” by Dale Oliver*

HF: The following contest is a 4 on 4 elimination match! Introducing first, accompanied by Christopher Daniels and Kazarian, here are the team of TNAwful! At a total combined weight of 771 lbs, here are Pacman Jones, Claire Lynch, Super Eric, and Bubba the Love Sponge!

GM: Quite the quartet of wholly useless individuals. I don’t think there’s a winner ON this team, Jess!

JV: I gotta agree with ya on that. You’re better off getting either Daniels or Kazarian on this team if you want a bona fide technician in there. Super Eric’s your best chance for survival, and he’s too often distracted by his own delirium!

pacman

GM: You have a radio host, a football player, an amusement park employee, and a sometimes-brilliant wrestler masquerading as a buffoon. And yet, this company is STILL going!

JV: You know how you can step on a cockroach 45 times and it still keeps scampering, Monsoon?

GM: I don’t believe in animal cruelty, I’ll have you know. Where do you live that this is a problem?

JV: Not live, work! You ever shower at the Mid-Hudson Civic Center–

GM: Will you please stop?

JV: It’s a black-tile floor that looks like it’s constantly in motion!

*cue inane guitar music that someone in WCW thought sounded good*

HF: Their opponents, here are the members of Turner’s Trash Heap! At a total combined weight of 1057 lbs, here are The Shockmaster, The Black Scorpion, Cheatum the Evil Midget, and El Gigante!

shock

GM: You know a thing or two about these oddities, Jesse.

JV: Yeah, I spent a couple of years trying to make heads or tails of Ted Turner’s wrestling outfit, and I gotta say it was even more farcical than anything McMahon could EVER come up with! I mean, Shockmaster fell through a wall, Cheatum once planted a bomb on a boat, and El Gigante had the mobility of a park statue!

GM: What about this Black Scorpion, a rather ominous-looking character as I’ve ever seen.

JV: Well, my time in WCW and his didn’t overlap, but I have my suspicions about him. Let’s just say there’s a spaceship parked out back with a North Carolina license plate!

GM: North Carolina?!

JV: Yeah, the Tar Heel State!

GM: Why on earth would a spaceship have a license plate? What jurisdiction do THEY fall under?!

JV: ……you really know how to take the fun out of things, don’t you, Gorilla?

GM: Both teams sizing each other up. Based on physicality, I’d have to give it to the Trash Heap. Then again, if you’re going by unexpected endurance, you might look to TNAwful in this one.

JV: Absolutely, it’s so unpredictable, and the scenario can change with a quick elimination or two. That’s why you constantly need to be aware of what’s going on.

GM: Bell’s gone, this one’s under way, and it looks like Super Eric will kick things off with The Shockmaster.

JV: I gotta give the big klutz credit, he didn’t stumble out of the curtain or fall over the ring steps. He’s prone to doing that, and he’d better keep his balance if he’s going to survive this.

GM: Look at–are you kidding me? Super Eric’s trying to take this monstrous individual down with shoulder blocks!

JV: He needs to go for the leg, try and take the wheel out of the Shockmaster. Given how unsturdy he is, that might be a little easier for him.

GM: Ohh, Shockmaster caught him, and just tosses him like yesterday’s garbage!

JV: If Super Eric took on Bane and The Joker instead of Batman, I’m certain we’d have all been doomed by now, Monsoon.

GM: Super Eric needs to tag in a bad way, and yes, he makes the tag to Pacman Jones. Wait, what’s this?

JV: I don’t think Pacman had any intentions of tagging in! He’s arguing with Super Eric!

GM: Looks like Pacman is admonishing him for touching his hand! That’s how tag team wrestling works! Hey–where’s he going?!

JV: Ooooh, Pacman’s pulling a Bad News Brown, and is walking out on his team! The Cincinnati Bengals won’t allow him to be contacted during a wrestling match–

GM: Then why did he sign up for the match?!?

JV: Hey, don’t look at me! The man’s got a big game against the Chargers on Sunday, and the Bengals are trying to win their division! I don’t know what his motivation in signing up for this was!

GM: In any event, Pacman Jones has been counted out, and TNAwful is down a man! What a poor choice of partner! I don’t care what what the NFL player’s union says; when you’re tagged, you wrestle! Plain and simple!

JV: Claire Lynch is in there arguing with referee Danny Davis, I can’t quite make out what she’s saying. Probably has to do with Pacman quitting.

GM: It sounds like she wants to leave also! Wrestling isn’t in her contract as well! Does anyone other than the doofus in the mask want to wrestle?

JV: Speaking of masks, Shockmaster’s tagged in Black Scorpion, and look at Scorpion!

GM: Scorpion strutting around the ring and look! He’s putting the moves on Claire Lynch!

JV: I think Black Scorpion’s gonna open the lid on something later on tonight, and it isn’t gonna be a can of spinach, Monsoon!

GM: Look at Claire, she wants NO PART of this Scorpion!

JV: I’d ask how you’re supposed to eliminate her if violence against women is frowned–WOAH!

GM: She just sprayed mace in the Scorpion’s eyes through the mask! Scorpion flailing around the ring, and he flops to the canvas!

JV: Gee, I wonder who that could be under the mysterious hood, Monsoon….

GM: Scorpion manages to make the tag to Cheatum. I understand this little fellow’s a real piece of work!

JV: Well, no matter what, I gotta say Claire Lynch’s pepper spray will only have a 50% success rate, given he’s got an eye patch covering one of his peepers!

GM: And Cheatum lands a running headbutt to the midsection! He’s not afraid to take it right at her!

JV: Cheatum’s biting her, Monsoon!

GM: She’s going to need rabies shots when all is said and done! Claire crying out in pain–look out!

JV: Daniels just nailed Cheatum with….was that an appletini glass?!?

GM: Ref didn’t see it and Claire covers….she got em! Cheatum got cheated by–WOW, Shockmaster tripped on the ropes and fell on Claire! And he pins her in return!

JV: Shockmaster’s clumsiness works to his advantage, it’s 3 on 2! Shockmaster, Scorpion, and Gigante against Super Eric and Hulk Hogan’s little buddy Bubba the Love Sponge. Ha, and I thought MCMAHON was Chump Hogan’s biggest booster!

GM: TNAwful has to be careful here, lest they go down 3 on 1, and those odds are virtually unbeatable. Concerned look on the face of Bubba over there, he’s going to be beside himself if he actually has to get in there and wrestle!

JV: Absolutely. He’d better hope Super Eric can leap a couple of tall buildings here in a single bound.

GM: Speaking of which, El Gigante has stepped over the ropes. At nearly eight feet tall, he could really give Giant Gonzalez a run for his money!

JV: Gee, Monsoon, who would you pick between The Shockmaster and Tugboat?

GM: Please. I’d take Tugboat in a heartbeat.

JV: I was afraid so….

GM: Super Eric steps up with a dropkick on the big man! He’s got him wobbled!

JV: Gigante looks more confused than anything! Is he in pain? I can’t tell by his facial expression!

GM: Super Eric with another dropkick and Gigante appears to be smiling! Or he’s gassy! I’m not sure!

JV: There’s a third dropkick, and Gigante’s leaning on the ropes! Now he….throws himself out?!

GM: I think it was his momentum that carried him over, and gingerly caused him to step down to the arena floor, but yes, the dropkick indeed knocked him over the top rope!

JV: Super Eric to the top rope now, this could be dangerous!

GM: Eric with a high risk dive onto Gigante on the outside! And Gigante stumbles a bit before slowly laying down! I think the impact confused his body somehow, and he didn’t go down right away!

JV: Yeah, we can go with that…..

GM: The referee’s count is up to six. Neither man is anywhere near his feet!

JV: We’re about to have a double count out, Gorilla!

GM: The referee’s calling for the bell, that’s it! I believe both men are out of here!

HF: El Gigante and Super Eric have been COUNTED OUT.

GM: That’s indeed the call, and now it’s 2 on 1!

JV: And take a good look at who the “one” is, Monsoon. Can you envision Bubba the Love Sponge surviving this?

GM: Highly unlikely. I’ve been surprised before, but highly unlikely that Bubba can sniff out a victory in this one!

JV: He’s got the Black Scorpion to contend with, and Scorpion is a world class wrestler, whether you realize it or not.

GM: Scorpion chops the pensive Bubba across the chest! He follows up with another knife-edge blast! Good thing Bubba has that hoodie on; it’d sting much more on bare flesh!

JV: I think we’d all be better off if Bubba stays clothed, Monsoon. I understand he looks like a clear trash bag full of turkey entrails when he’s shirtless!

GM: Bubba’s had enough of the onslaught, he’s taking that hoodie off, and I think—is that a Hulk Hogan shirt?!?

JV: That is INDEED a Chump Hogan shirt, and the Scorpion is recoiling! The man beneath that mask can never get a leg up on Hogan, and the power of Pukeamania is sapping his strength!

GM: You’re right, the chops are no longer having an effect!

JV: This is HORRIBLE, Monsoon! Bubba wearing that Hogan shirt puts The Black Scorpion at a gross disadvantage!

GM: Bubba firing off right hands, he’s got the Scorpion reeling! Scorpion flops to the canv–I think Shockmaster reached out and tagged himself in!

JV: Ha! And that shirt won’t do ANYTHING to Shockmaster! He may be a Hogan ally deep down, but he’s not some forced patsy like the Scorpion had to be!

GM: Bubba throwing those closed fists, but to no avail! Shockmaster brushes them off!

JV: This isn’t gonna end well for Mr. Shock Jock, I can assure you!

GM: Shockmaster blocks the right hand and scoops up Bubba! Oh, he drops him with a powerslam! That should do it, but he’s not done! Shockmaster now….he’s creating tremors, jumping around Bubba’s prone carcass!

JV: Wait a minute, THIS isn’t Shockmaster’s move!!

GM: Shockmaster off the ropes, and he lands with the Earthquake splash! You can forget about it, this one’s all over! Let’s get the official word!

HF: Here are YOUR survivors, The Shockmaster and The Black Scorpion!

GM: Shockmaster and Scorpion advance to the Grand Finale. Let’s take a look at how this went down!

JV: Well, the Shockmaster takes a way-out-of-his-league Love Sponge, pancakes him on the mat, and then sets him up for a devastating Earthquake splash! How appropriate too! I hope nobody sends any donations and well-wishes to Bubba after that devastation; knowing him, he’d tell you not to! That’s HIS karma.

GM: We’re just getting started here at the WrestleCrap Survivor Series. Right now, let’s take you to Sean Mooney!

dawson

TD: This is NOT Sean Mooney, but rather Tony Dawson here at the WWE Raw Active interview area! I’m being joined at this time by WWE TV-PG, consisting of Michael Cole, The Miz, Santina Marella, and Hornswoggle! What will you superstars do tonight….FOR THE WIN?!?!?!

MC (not addressing anyone but the camera): According to the latest Raw Active poll, 88% of viewers would like to drown all of us, whereas the other 12% have been hospitalized for dehydration, after spitting at their TVs at the sight of us. The real question here, gentlemen, is how much can we shoehorn John Cena and Randy Orton anecdotes into situations where they’re not applicable?

SM: Michaela Cola, mya brother Santino has put his faith in me succeeding-ah tonight at the WrestleCrap Series of Survival! What and honor it–

MC: That’s enough, Santina. NBC Universal only alots so much airtime to the midcarders. We have rights fees we’re trying to secure here!

M (tapping his custom mic on his chin while smirking): I’m a good guy, you know.

H: No, you’re not; you just turned heel last week, after a year of wrestling bad guys with no prior motivation!

M: You need to stop paying attention to anything that happened more than four months ago. Look, there’s two kinds of fans: those who blindly agree with everything, and those who hate the hell out of the product, but buy up every DVD the company sells anyway. There ARE no other fans.

MC: (obvious fake laugh)

M: The bottom line, Team WrestleCrap, is that you can mock us all you want with your inductions and your satire, and that’s all well and good. You can get #wweisboring trending worldwide if you so want, it doesn’t matter! We’re gonna keep profiting off of you, no matter what! And tonight, we’re gonna carve out your chests so gruesomely, we’ll have to wear pink, gladhanding Susan G Komen shirts to honor you afterward!

MC: HASHTAG FIGHTIN’ WORDS, BITCH!

TD: FOR THE WIN!!!!!!! Back to whoever in the booth.

GM: Well, excuse me! That kind of indifference will give you a negative attitude in a hurry.

JV: I gotta admit, Gorilla, I don’t mind the lack of respect and reverence from today’s WWE.

GM: You don’t?

JV: Not at all. Vince is getting into the twilight of his life, and he’s just tired of people resisting him every step of the way. That’s why he’s happy I’m out of his hair, and he gets to boss around yessir-yessir guys like Michael Cole, who don’t go to the bathroom without Vince’s permission!

GM: I don’t think that’s the case at all!

JV: Which leads me to people like Team WrestleCrap, and the wrestling fans out there who think like them. Who in the HELL do you think you are, being so overly demanding? You point out all of the flaws and injustices that go on in professional wrestling, which is what I do, but there’s a difference: I actually WAS a wrestler! What did you clowns ever contribute to besides your own greed and gluttony?

GM: The fans are allowed to have an opinion, Jess!

JV: Oh, and they do! The ones who buy up John Cena and Randy Orton t-shirts, and would NEVER question the almighty Vince McMahon, are the ones Vince will ALWAYS cater to. You people who criticize, you’ve been outvoted! Your voice has no weight! So tonight, watch what happens when four of your smarmiest representatives get what’s coming to em!

GM: I’ve never heard you sound so bitter in all the years I’ve worked with you.

JV: Well, they inducted Tag Team, my TV pilot with Roddy Piper, onto their stupid website! I have a RIGHT to be bitter, Monsoon!

GM: It’s all gonna break down in just a few short moments. Right now, let’s go up to Howard Finkel!

JV: They BETTER not induct Abraxas!

*cue “Never Thought Life Could Be This Good” by Jim Johnston*

HF: The following contest is a 4 on 4 elimination match! Accompanied by Jack Swagger, here is WWE, TV-PG! At a total combined weight of 764 lbs, here are Michael Cole, Hornswoggle, Santina Marella, and The Miz!

JV: And here they are, representatives of Vince’s “I don’t give a damn, because I know you’re not changing the channel” era! You know, I never gave McMahon enough credit, Gorilla.

GM: Well, you can start by waiving your royalty fee on video releases!

JV: Let’s not go overboard here, okay?

GM: The Miz is a former WWE Champion, “Santina”, in drag or not, is a two time Intercontinental Champion, although he’s a disgrace to his last name….

JV: And Hornswoggle’s held the Cruiserweight Title for six years running!

GM: Will you please….

JV: Nobody can beat him, Monsoon!

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GM: Cole bringing Jack Swagger with him, another former World Champion, as well as an elite amateur wrestler. Sadly, he has all the personality of a door-jamb.

JV: Since when do you need personality to be a champion? I don’t recall Randy Orton being a silver-tongued devil, and he got by just fine!

GM: And if Randy were his dad’s height, he’s be parking cars for the company!

*cue “Hip to Be Square” by Huey Lewis and The News*

HF: And their opponents, accompanied to the ring by Mr. Fitness, here is Team WrestleCrap! At a total combined weight of 923 lbs, here are RD Reynolds, Midnight Rose, Justin Henry, and Art O’Donnell!

GM: Take a look at this team! Reynolds, the co-founder of WrestleCrap.com, joined by some of his closest cohorts!

JV: Yeah, just because he can WRITE about wrestling doesn’t mean he knows the finer points of it, Monsoon! I know he’s a big guy at 6’5″ and around the 250 pound mark, but can he really go toe to toe with a proven wrestler such as The Miz?

GM: That does remain to be seen. I see Art O’Donnell, who was at one time a broadcast colleague of yours truly.

JV: No, you’re thinking of football Hall of Famer Art Donovan! You simply called him by the wrong name that night!

GM: Mistaken identity or not, he’s not liable to walk out like Pacman Jones did, I’ve got news for you!

JV: That’s because he’s not ACTUALLY THE FOOTBALL PLAYER. It’s a pen name meant to be….I mean, it’s ironic…..look, my head hurts enough just LOOKING at this crap. Don’t make it worse, Gorilla!

GM: I wonder if Art will ask his opponents how much they weigh?

JV: That’d be a good way to take his eye off the ball and get pinned, so I’m all for it.

GM: They’re literally hanging from the rafters here at the Richfield Coliseum, we thank you for joining us here on Thanksgiving night. Looks like Midnight Rose is going to kick things off with The Miz!

JV: It should be noted that this hooded Scarface-wannabe is actually filling in for Reynolds’ derelict friend, Blade Braxton.

GM: Derelict friend?!

JV: He wears that stupid bandana all the time! Who does he think is, Deion Sanders?

GM: Well you resemble that remark, Jess.

JV: Who me?

GM: This one’s underway as Miz works that side headlock on Midnight Rose. He’s really wrenching it, too.

JV: A textbook weardown hold, Gorilla. If Rose doesn’t have the aptitude to escape, Miz won’t need to expend much more than this minimal effort!

GM: Rose down to a knee, I can’t believe this–what’s Mr. Fitness doing?

JV: What IS he doing? He’s got that ridiculous Shake Weight on the apron!

GM: Miz putting the badmouth on Mr. Fitness, he’s let Midnight Rose go for the time being. This is a mistake!

JV: Absolutely, focus on the match INSIDE the ring!

GM: Oh, Rose takes the knee out from under the Miz, but a two count is all he gets!

JV: That’s the ONLY way they’re going to beat the WWE side, by resorting to distractions! They can’t beat them straight up!

GM: Rose tags out to O’Donnell, who sets up in a three point stance. Uh oh, look out! He bowls over Miz with a running shoulder tackle!

JV: But he knocked Miz into his own corner, and that enables him to tag Hornswoggle! Now watch out for this little guy, he’s a Cruiserweight Champion!

GM: Hornswoggle now with what appears to be a length of rope. He looks to be trying to tie O’Donnell’s arm behind his back!

JV: That’s what it looks like to me; this is how he beat Chavo Guerrero one of the 7,000 times that he did!

GM: He’s got O’Donnell partially hog-tied, and the referee really needs to intervene. I think he’s lost control of this already. Hornswoggle charges….oh, O’Donnell boots him right between the eyes!

JV: Hornswoggle may be out cold!

GM: O’Donnell drops a knee across the throat to follow that! There’s the cover, he got him!

JV: That was more brutal than it needed to be, Monsoon! How is crushing a man’s windpipe supposed to put smiles on faces of fans?

GM: And Macho Man Randy Savage didn’t have fans in 1986?

JV: That was different, people didn’t need to be told what to like and how to feel back then!

GM: O’Donnell tags out to the big man, RD Reynolds, who finds himself matched up with Santina Marella!

JV: Maybe Reynolds can try to get the crowd’s attention by stealing Santina’s tiara. Where’s Trash Losagain to help him?

GM: Collar-and-elbow tie-up, Reynolds overpowering this cross-dresser. He’s outwrestling him, Jess.

JV: Well look at the size-disadvantage, Gorilla! RD’s been on a steady diet of Hulkaroos since 1995!

GM: Quick tag to Henry, who comes off with a double sledge to the shoulder.

JV: And Henry may be LESS athletic than Reynolds! Backyard wrestling doesn’t count as real experience! This ain’t a dilapidated trampoline he’s fighting on!

GM: Aww, Santina catches Henry with a thumb to the eye!

JV: Ah ha, that’s what I like to see! Maybe Santina can take the other eye out, and force Henry to write his little smart-alec diatribes in Braille!

GM: Santina reaching into her skirt now, what is he or she doing?!

JV: He’s got that Cobra sock, Monsoon! He’s setting him up!

GM: Cobra forthco–no, Reynolds pulls Henry away, and Marella hits his hand on the turnbuckle!

JV: Now why is RD Reynolds allowed to help his teammates like that?!

GM: Rose tags himself in, he comes off the top….flying shoulder block! And he got him!

JV: He had a handful of garters, Monsoon! Where the hell is Jack Tunney?!

GM: The WWE team is down two as Miz tries a roll-up! Gets only two!

JV: Miz may as well go back to that headlock, since Rose had such problems with it before. I don’t think he’s worked out with that Shake Weight as much as he should’ve been!

GM: Miz with a charging clothesline in the corner. He’s got Rose in a precarious position here, could be softening him up for that Skull Crushing Finale.

JV: He’d rather give Henry a dose of it, I think. He’s saving some for him, I can bet you that!

GM: Miz tries to hook Rose, aww, he almost had him! Rose scampers to the corner and tags Henry!

JV: Here we go! Let’s see Henry back up his constant insults now! A trained wrestler against some hack Jersey writer! Miz is going to make him literally eat his words!

GM: Henry charges, but gets hip-locked to the canvas! And Michael Cole is loving it!

JV: He’s spent so much time singing the praises of The Miz, and now he’s feeling justified! And look, he’s got the microphone!

GM: Oh, just what we needed….

MC: The Miz is THE. MOST. MUST. SEE. SUPERSTAR. IN. SPORTS. ENTERTAINMENT!

GM: Is this really necessary?

JV: Hey, you have to tell the fans who they’re supposed to be cheering for!

GM: Miz drops Henry with a neckbreaker, and what a beauty. He may have him right here, Jess.

MC: Follow this extraordinary man, The Miz, on Twitter, @MikeTheMiz! He is a media icon unlike any other!

GM: Is he wearing an earpiece? Who’s feeding him these lines?!

JV: Salesmanship, Monsoon. This is what real wrestling is all about!

GM: This crowd doesn’t seem to be buying it whatsoever.

mizgirl

MC: Miz, if you would, please give this geek the Skull Crushing Finale!

GM: He’s telegraphing it, but I can’t see a way that Henry gets out of this one. Miz setting him up for that patented forward legsweep.

JV: It’s all academic once–hey!

GM: Oh, Henry just backed Miz up into the ropes, and Mr. Fitness bashed him with that Shake Weight!

JV: Referee Joey Marella didn’t see it, this is HORRIBLE!

GM: Henry gets the arm across, and he gets him! The Miz is eliminated!

JV: Michael Cole is all by himself, and he’s got no one to tag! Jack Swagger can’t even help him legally! Cole’s only hope is for someone to get a contact high off of Swagger, and be rendered too mellow to fight back!

GM: Cole’s got no choice, he’s got to get in there. It’s four non-professionals against one! This is what professional wrestling’s come to!

JV: Reynolds tags in, and it’s captain vs. captain!

GM: Cole tries charging, and he misses! Oh, he’s in the wrong part of town!

JV: Wait–RD just SAVED Michael Cole!

GM: RD Reynolds just stepped between his teammates and Cole, not letting any of them lay a hand on him! What is THAT?

JV: Now RD’s raising Cole’s hand! I don’t understand this!

GM: Has RD lost his mind?! There’s a match to win here, and RD’s endorsing Cole, pointing to the man apparently his friend!

JV: Maybe RD’s a little more on the level than I-HEY!

GM: RD just clotheslined Cole! Reminiscent of the time Paul Orndorff turned on The Hulkster, which RD said is his favorite moment ever! Cole didn’t even see it coming!

JV: How is Michael Cole supposed to know who Paul Orndorff even is? He was retired well before the backlog of where Cole’s memory retention goes back to!

GM: RD sets up Cole, and there’s a spike piledriver! Forget about it, a clean sweep!

HF: Here are your survivors, the entire team of Team WrestleCrap!

GM: The most unlikely clean sweep in the history of the event! Team WrestleCrap standing tall, victorious here at the WrestleCrap Survivor Series!

JV: Well, let’s go back and see how it went down. You see RD Reynolds trick poor Michael Cole into thinking they’re friends, and Cole did NOTHING to deserve this. Then he clotheslines him almost out of his shoes, and then has the AUDACITY to give him the Orndorff piledriver! Who told RD Reynolds he could be Mr. Wonderful?!

GM: Jack Swagger carrying what’s left of Michael Cole back to the locker room, where he’ll receive the loser’s end of the purse after that lopsided defeat. How do ya like THOSE apples?

JV: Team WrestleCrap will all advance to the Grand Finale Ultimate Match of Survival, but Gorilla, we haven’t been told what the matchups are!

GM: Or the teams, rather! There are 12 men that have qualified for that Grand Finale, and we still don’t know who’s partnered with whom!

JV: I imagine we’re gonna find out sooner rather than later, Monsoon, because there’s only one match left, and that’s exactly what it is!

GM: Team WrestleCrap still celebrating inside the squared circle, but their night is certainly not–

HF: Ladies and gentlemen, it is NOW TIME……for the GRAND FINALE ULTIMATE MATCH OF SURVIVAL!

GM: Holy smokes, no time to rest for Team WrestleCrap!

HF: Introducing team number one, currently in the ring, managed by Mr. Fitness, here is Team WrestleCrap!

JV: Wait….did he say team number one? No other partners for them?

GM: That’s what I heard, they’re confused, and they’re trying to get this straightened out!

JV: You mean to tell me….

*cue “Turkey in the Straw” by Jim Johnston

HF: And team number two, accompanied by Reverend Slick and James E. Cornette, here are the Gobbledy Gooker, the Red Rooster, The Ugandan Giant Kamala, Mantaur, Duke the Dumpster Droese, Dr. Isaac Yankem DDS, The Black Scorpion, and The Shockmaster!

JV: It’s all of the survivors against Team WrestleCrap! I love it!

GM: You’ve gotta be kidding me! They’ve stacked the deck against RD Reynolds and his teammates! Who thought THIS was a good idea?!

mmr

JV: This will teach Reynolds and those morons to make fun of the livelihoods of hard-working wrestlers! This is going to be the death of WrestleCrap! Maybe Bryan Alvarez can write a book on THAT! HAH!

GM: Gooker leading the brigade as they all surround the ring. I gotta admit, this song is doing a terrible job of underscoring the drama of the moment, Jess.

JV: No, it’s QUITE appropriate. We’re about to see four turkeys get plucked and stuffed here at the Richfield Coliseum! And there’s NOTHING that Team WrestleCrap can do about it!

GM: No choice for Team WrestleCrap but to give it their all against the tremendous odds.

JV: Yeah, and I don’t see any of them wearing jorts and trucker caps, either. You can write-off any hope of a miracle on canvas, Monsoon.

GM: Team Gooker trying to figure out who’s going to begin this one. They’d all like a piece of the opposition, Reynolds especially.

JV: Maybe that’s why Blade Braxton ducked out of this one; he knew there was an onslaught coming.

GM: Are you kidding me? The man was attacked on the set of Piper’s Pit by an irate Mickie James! He nearly choked to death on hundreds of his creepy love letters that she rammed down his throat!

JV: Hey, I have my conspiracy theories, Gino….

GM: I’m SURE you do! Rooster looks like he’s finally going to compete! He wants to start!

JV: Well, I don’t blame em; he WAS named the worst gimmick ever in the WrestleCrap Book of Lists. He’s telling his teammates he’s got this–WOAH!

GM: Henry schoolboys the Rooster–AND HE GOT HIM!

JV: One down already, Justin Henry caught the Red Rooster napping! Duke the Dumpster tearing his way in there!

GM: Droese trying to get a hold of–oh, Henry tags O’Donnell, who flies in with a sunset flip! HE PINS DROESE!

JV: You’ve gotta be kidding! Two eliminations in less than 20 seconds! Rooster and Droese are both out of here!

GM: Eight on four just became six on four in the blink of an eye!

JV: Yankem stepping in there now, and he needs to slow the pace down. Let the momentum die out, and don’t fall into any of their traps. They’re the ones that need to get desperate, not you.

GM: Dr. Isaac Yankem is pretty fresh, it’s been well over and hour since he last competed, and he plants a knee to the gut of O’Donnell.

JV: That’s right, just simple wear-down moves. Frequent tags as well, keep these morons from building a head of steam.

GM: Yankem choking O’Donnell in the corner, he’s got five to break. C’mon ref, get in there. O’Donnell needs to make a tag, Yankem’s done a number on him in just a small amount of time.

JV: Well, there’s a tag to Shockmaster, but Yankem didn’t drag O’Donnell to the corner with him. Guess he didn’t feel he needed to.

GM: The big Shockmaster laying in those boots to O’Donnell. Big elbow drop! Wow, right in the breadbasket!

JV: O’Donnell’s just about finished. The meat thermometer’s about to push out on him!

GM: Another elbow drop, NO it misses! O’Donnell rolls away, and he’s trying to crawl for a tag! Can he get there…..Shockmaster’s got the foot! O’Donnell can’t quite—Shockmaster just plowed ahead and knocked Midnight Rose off the apron!

JV: Ohh, Rose hit the railing! He’s down, and he’s in a bad way!

GM: Reynolds , along with Mr. Fitness, coming to the aid of Rose, and Shockmaster steps between Henry and O’Donnell!

JV: Good strategy, boxing out the team from Art O’Donnell, and the referee is trying to restore order as Henry tries to get in a shot on Shockmaster!

GM: We need contr–look out! Cornette just whacked O’Donnell with the tennis racket! Earl Hebner didn’t see it!

JV: And Shockmaster lands a big splash, that’s it! O’Donnell’s counting the lights as he’s counted down! How much do ya think that splash weighed, Art?

GM: That’s one official elimination for Team WrestleCrap as Art O’Donnell is outta here, but I don’t know if Rose can continue!

JV: Look, Mr. Fitness and another official are helping him to the locker room! I think he smacked his head against that steel barricade when Shockmaster knocked him off! Give credit to the big man for two eliminations!

GM: Jesse, that’s only ONE elimination. Rose could be back out here before it’s all over, you don’t know that!

JV: He’d better get a clean bill of health quickly, because Reynolds and Henry have to go at it six on two!

GM: Concerned look on the kissers of both men. Shockmaster’s tagged out to Kamala, and the larger Reynolds will step in for Team WrestleCrap. Holy mackerel, what a turn of events so far!

JV: Kamala immediately on the attack, I think the Gooker side is smelling blood, Gorilla. If they can get rid of Reynolds here, how’s Mr. Journalist over there going to handle six on one?

GM: He won’t. There’s no two ways about it.

JV: Absolutely, and Kamala’s cutting Reynolds down with those overhand chops.

GM: Got RD Reynolds cornered, sends him across—oh, nobody home! And Kamala crashes into the buckles!

JV: Reynolds might need to make a tag here! Henry can at least stall so the big man can catch his breath! It’s a stick-and-move operation now with it being six on two!

GM: Kamala tags in Mantaur, who cuts off Reynolds from tagging.

JV: And there’s the advantage of having more partners. It’s logistics, Monsoon. Everyone gets time to freshen up on the apron.

GM: Mantaur looking for a scoop sl–no, Reynolds down the back, he’s got Mantaur! MIC CHECK PLANTS HIM! And Mantaur’s out of here!

JV: RD Reynolds busts out the Mic Check! I don’t think that played well in Mantaur’s market!

GM: Scorpion in, he prevents RD from making the tag, but at five on two, the odds are slightly more manageable. Actually, it’s five on three!

JV: Forget it Monsoon, the Midnight Rose is done! We’ve got no word on him, and by the time he’s diagnosed, Reynolds and Henry will both be eliminated! We’re not waiting around all night for some shady character wearing a modified, flower-print speedo on his face!

GM: Scorpion working over the knee of Reynolds. He’s doing everything he can to keep the big man off his feet, trying to wrench that knee.

JV: Just a hunch, but I think he’s setting up for the figure four, Gorilla.

GM: That’s exactly what he’s doing, he’s slapping it on RD Reynolds! And he’s got it hooked in!

JV: All the pressure’s on Reynolds as Henry tries to rally this crowd! He knows he’s in a world of trouble if his mentor submits right here!

GM: Reynolds refusing to give up! He’s trying to turn the hold!

JV: Trying to reverse the pressure! I can’t believe he’s hanging on, Gorilla!

GM: And Reynolds flips the hold into a modified Indian Deathlock!

JV: Scorpion has no choice but to relinquish, but Reynolds may have crimped his knee in return! Scorpion going for a tag!

GM: Scorpion tags in Yankem, can he prevent–NO! Reynolds tags in Henry! He ducks a Yankem clothesline….and he kicks Yankem down low!

JV: That should be a disqualification!

GM: He won’t need Novocaine to feel numb down there, I can assure you! Henry low bridges the knees of Yankem, he covers, the count….no, 2 is all he could get!

JV: Boy, this is just REEKING of desperation. Speaking of which, Henry going to the top now. High risk territory!

GM: Henry leaps–aww, and he’s driven down with a sidewalk slam! He got caught and paid for it! Yankem tagging in the Gooker now, his first time in the match. Now Gooker headed up top.

JV: A little shoulder shimmy from the Gooker, a cocky bird!

GM: Comes off, beautiful frog splash from the Gobbledy one! Forget about it!

JV: Ha ha, and Justin Henry’s night is over! Look around RD, there’s no one to tag, and five bitter enemies that want to finish the job! I’m loving it!

GM: Yankem, Gooker, Scorpion, Shockmaster, and Kamala, with Reverend Slick at ringside. I don’t like these odds at all, Jess.

JV: Yeah, maybe Midnight Rose can find something in Dr. Yankem’s bag to mask the pain, so he can get in there and get clobbered as well!

GM: Gooker tags in Shockmaster, and it looks like they’re going to let their biggest weapon handle what’s left of RD Reynolds. The irresistible force meeting the immovable object.

JV: I gotta give RD credit, he’s stepping in there. He’s putting his head through the noose, but he’s doing it boldly!

GM: Reynolds blocks a right hand, and he’s firing back! Reynolds pouring it on!

JV: No holding back now, can’t play it conservative! Just try to dispose of them and bring on the next one!

GM: Reynolds off the ropes, a big right hand, and Shockmaster is reeling!

JV: He’s still on his feet, Gorilla!

GM: Reynolds with another roundhouse right! Off the ropes–

JV: Shockmaster scoops him in the bear hug! This is it!

GM: Reynolds is trapped in Shockmaster’s vice-like grip! Reynolds has to find a way of it, or this one’s over! Shockmaster has won a number of matches with this, and Reynolds is beginning to fade!

JV: He’s slumping in that bear hug. Check the arm, Hebner!

GM: It’s dropped once, Hebner checks….it falls a second time. Here it….NO!! REYNOLDS IS HANGING ON!

JV: I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! STUPID PRO-CROWD SCRIPTING!

GM: Reynolds is trying to fight it! He’s got a second wind as he hammers away at Shockmaster! He breaks the bear hug with a right hand!

JV: Where is he getting this energy, Monsoon?!

GM: Reynolds off the ropes, another right hand….and Shockmaster goes down!

JV: He’s been knocked off this feet!

GM: The roof of the Richfield Coliseum is about to blow off! Reynolds has no one left to tag, but he’s got thousands of Crappamanics strong cheering him on!

JV: ……what in the HELL did you just say?

GM: Shockmaster manages to tag Kamala, who catches Reynolds as he was getting up! Big headbutt, and Reynolds is down to a knee!

JV: This can’t go on all night. If Reynolds doesn’t eliminate anyone before they make the tag, he’s got no chance whatsoever!

GM: Kamala thrusts the throat of Reynolds, and oh–he measured him for that savate kick!

JV: Reynolds is gonna be enjoying leftovers through a straw! You can put a fork–

*lights go out*

GM: What is this?!

JV: What happened to the lights?!

*cue Druid music*

GM: What kind of music is that?!

JV: Sounds like creepy ritual music Monsoon, it–wait, do you see that?!

druids

JV: Are those Druids, Monsoon?!

GM: They ARE Druids! And they’re bringing a casket to the ring!

JV: Is this even legal? Has this become some sort of disturbed wrestling staple without me knowing it? Is this considered normal?!

GM: The Druids are bringing that casket to ringside, a highly unorthodox occurrence to happen here at the WrestleCrap Survivor Series!

JV: Gee, ya think?!

GM: The Druids are leaving the casket at ringside. I can’t even begin to speculate who or what could be inside! We know it’s not Undertaker, because he is NOT WrestleCrap!

JV: Wait, what’s Kamala doing?!

GM: Kamala’s having a panic attack! The lights are on, and he realizes what the Druids brought to the ring! Slick’s trying to calm him down!

JV: It’s to no avail, Kamala’s high-tailing it!

GM: Kamala’s left the ring, and he’s running back to the dressing room! Referee’s putting the count on; he won’t make it back!

JV: Now that is grossly unfair! The man has an irrational fear, and these Druids show up to exploit that?! How do you even HIRE Druids?!

GM: It’s four on one, and the Gooker side is up in arms about that casket! Huh! The Black Scorpion’s about to blow a gasket!

JV: He’s demanding the casket be opened! He wants to know what other tricks they have up their–

GM: IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?!?!

situp

JV: THAT’S BLADE BRAXTON!

GM: Blade Braxton was inside the casket! Holy smokes!

JV: The Black Scorpion is beside himself! He’s vowed revenge ever since Braxton made that video mocking him a decade ago!

GM: Reynolds cradles Scorpion…NO, he only got two!

JV: Braxton’s on the apron now, is he legally in this match?!

GM: The referee’s not ejecting him, I think they’re letting him replace Midnight Rose!

JV: I have to question the legality of this, as well as the legality of a million other things that have taken place tonight!

GM: Scorpion prevents the tag, he’s setting up for a kneebrea–no, Reynolds spikes him with a DDT!

JV: Reynolds needs that tag, Braxton is imploring the crowd cheer Reynolds on!

GM: Reynolds reaches…THERE’S THE TAG!

JV: Braxton in, and he’s fresher than all of them! Off the ropes….KNEELIFTS THE TAILBONE OF SCORPION!

GM: That’s got Scorpion stunned…..Sling-Blade clothesline! That should do it, and Scorpion’s gone!

JV: It’s three on two, I can’t believe this, Monsoon!

GM: Braxton taking on Yankem now, catching the deranged dentist with rights and lefts! Big uppercut, and down goes Yankem!

JV: This crowd is cheering Braxton on, and he’s feeding off of it! Now he’s going to the top rope!

GM: The last thing Blade needs to do is something his perpetual drunkenness will only offset!

JV: No, Yankem caught him on the way down, avoiding the double axe handle! He could put Braxton away here! He’s calling for that chokeslam!

GM: Braxton grabs the ropes to avoid going airborne, Yankem trying to drag him to the center of the ring. Quite a struggle develop–Braxton’s removing his bandana!

JV: What’s he–HE’S SHOVING IT INTO YANKEM’S MOUTH! THAT’S A WEAPON!

GM: Braxton jamming his fingers into the mouth of Yankem, shoving that bandana in with it! Lord only knows the years of festering dandruff that soiled bandana contains!

JV: He’s driving Yankem to the mat with it, and Yankem’s fading! He’s being asphyxiated, Gorilla!

GM: The referee’s calling for the bell!

JV: Right, that’s a disqualification!

GM: No, he just signaled that Yankem couldn’t continue! He’s outta here!

JV: ARE YOU KIDDING ME, MONSOON?!? THIS MORON COMES OUT OF NOWHERE, AND FACILITATES THE ELIMINATION OF THREE WRESTLERS?! THIS ISN’T FAIR AT ALL!

GM: Oh, and stacking the deck eight on four was fair? Is that what you’re gonna tell me?

JV: I can’t believe you’re defending these clowns, Monsoon!

GM: Shockmaster in, he barges right into Braxton, and he’s got the human horror film down on the canvas, dropping knees into the abdomen.

JV: Good, that’s where he belongs.

GM: A big elbow drop, and that should keep him adequately grounded. There’s a cover, but a two count is all.

JV: And look, how convenient. Reynolds is vertical and seemingly healthy now! Braxton’s bought him all this time!

GM: Shockmaster with a tag, here comes the Gooker, who heads up top. This is how he finished off Justin Henry just a short time ago….oh, he missed the frog splash! No water in the pool!

JV: And Braxton’s gotta tag Reynolds, he’s fresh! That stupid Mr. Fitness is back out here to cheer his team on! Gee, I wonder if somebody’s gonna get brained with that Shake Weight again!

GM: Gooker tags Shockmaster, Reynolds tags in–AND SHOCKMASTER TRIPS!

JV: Shockmaster stumbled over the ropes and fell on his face, Gorilla!

GM: Reynolds hooks the leg–HE GOT EM!

JV: NO!

GM: Shockmaster knocked himself silly with his Achilles heel, that clumsiness, and it’s just down to the Gooker against Reynolds and Braxton!

JV: Reynolds dragging Gooker in by his plumage, this is horrible, Monsoon! This can’t go down like this!

GM: Reynolds with a series of right hands, sends Gooker off the ropes–nails him with a big boot!

JV: Gee, where’ve I seen this before?

GM: Scoop slam on the Gobbledy Gooker, and Reynolds….DROPS THE LEG! It’s all over! This one’s history!

JV: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! These two are the grand survivors?!

GM: Let’s get the official word!

HF: Here are the winners and survivors of the Grand Finale Ultimate Match of Survival, RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton!

GM: This place has gone bananas!

JV: I have to question just about EVERYTHING that transpired tonight, Gorilla Monsoon! This seems suspiciously like an excuse to throw together a bunch of cheap and kitschy nostalgia for the sole purpose of making fun of it, and letting these bozos stand tall!

GM: So what if it is?

JV: So what?! I wasted a holiday here, Gorilla!

GM: Reynolds and Braxton standing tall, having overcome insurmountable odds to be the survivors here at the WrestleCrap Survivor Series! For Jesse Ventura and Bobby Heenan, I’m Gorilla Monsoon! Thank you for spending your Thanksgiving with us! Goodnight from Richfield!

celebrate

(Many thanks to Catherine Perez for her photoshop contributions! Leave Justin some Twitter feedback if ya wish!)

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
35 Responses to "The 2013 WrestleCrap Survivor Series! The Complete Broadcast!"
  1. Jakki Steal says:

    I’ve got news for ya.
    That was amazing!
    Better than any Survivor Series of the past 15 years.

  2. Sean O says:

    Hilarious! I want to see a Wrestlecrap Royal Rumble next!

  3. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    I wish this had actually taken place, and had paid money for it. Phenominal work, Justin!

    Any chance of doing a Wrestlecrap Royal Rumble?

  4. ScMcS says:

    Wow.

    Just wow.

    I apologize if I doubted for a second how awesome this would be.

  5. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    A-maze-ing!

  6. RD Reynolds says:

    “This seems suspiciously like an excuse to throw together a bunch of cheap and kitschy nostalgia for the sole purpose of making fun of it, and letting these bozos stand tall!”

    AWESOME!!!!

  7. MisterSpiffy says:

    That was Awesome clap clap clap
    That was Awesome Clap clap clap

  8. Raven7309 says:

    In a word: “BRAVO!!!”
    Let me add my voice to the growing chorus of folks calling for a Wrestlecrap Royal Rumble.
    “Licence to Print $$$$$”

  9. Horsemen4ever says:

    “David Arquette, I’m gonna put a cheerleader dress on you, and do unspeakable things to you!
    (awkward silence)”

    I think I woke up my inlaws laughing.

  10. jonthejoker says:

    And this was an epic read…so Wrestlecrap Royal Rumble is next right?

  11. Third String Point Guard says:

    I would so definitely buy this.

    Way, WAY better than this year’s Survivor Series, even if you took out Total Divas vs Not Total Divas.

  12. Adam Cota says:

    My favorite elimination – Art O’Donnell > Hornswoggle; would even bring a tear to Robert Gibson’s glass eye…

  13. John Q Occupier says:

    In the words of a very wise man…

    “That was GENIUS!”

  14. TV's Mr. Neil says:

    Next year, there needs to be an all Glenn Jacobs gimmick team.

    Faux Diesel
    Issac Yankem
    Faux Kane (not actually Glenn)
    and Christmas Creature

  15. JustAGuyGuy says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QfSzgV1q5g

  16. Walt says:

    “RD’s been on a steady diet of Hulkaroos since 1995!”

    For some reason, that line made me laugh out loud.

    That was phenomenal. GREAT JOB! :D

  17. Mister Forth says:

    2 things: Next year needs nWo Sting, Brian Lee, The Renegade, & Sin Cara Negro on a team. And I will now make a Claire Lynch to become Diva Champion.

  18. John says:

    How about the return of the immortal WCW gimmick The Lethal Lottery imagine all the possible combos out of these guys. And the winning teams would advance to the CRAP BOWL!!!!!!!!!!
    It actually felt like I listening to Gorilla announcing especially the groceries line which was one of all-time favorite Gino lines.
    Absolute touchdown the whole way through.

  19. The Kid From Iowa says:

    Actually shouldn’t Los Matadores be on the Needless Repacking Team. Perhaps replace with on Subtle Stereotypes with Outback Jack and Hillbilly Jim.

  20. Nicholas Nutter says:

    [SLOW CLAP]

    As a man who is currently writing a lengthy series of wrestling blogs myself, I give you mad, MAD props for being able to pull this off. All the little details, all the angles, all the nuance, and good god all the WORDS. I thank you for one hell of a ride, and I would TOTALLY read the crap out of either a WrestleCrap Rumble or a Crap Bowl: Lethal Lottery!

  21. The Angry Jobber says:

    BRILLIANT!!!

  22. Cpt. SuckerPunch says:

    my favorite inductions have been the awa tag team challenge series, (get that turkey colonel!), beach blast, the young and the wrestling, and more recently, the wrestlemania x ladder match, and corporate kane in office space…this has to be among those favorites ive read on this site…when i read the tag teams alone, i knew this would be hilarious, especially the hilarious and spot on commentary of gorilla and jesse/brain…this was all amazing, once again, great job mr henry…

  23. Adam Cota says:

    Each one of us is certainly more likely to win the WWE Championship than to ever be able to say “Cocks and Dicks” in either Mean Gene or the Fink’s voice with a straight face…

  24. 80's Guy says:

    How disappointing.

    This should have ended with the Gooker getting his revenge and eliminating both Braxton and Reynolds.

    I haven’t seen an ending as disappointing as this one since… well, this year’s Survivor Series main event.

  25. Down With OPC says:

    I’m surprised no one got hit in the external occipital protuberance.

  26. drunkenmaster says:

    I couldn’t help but read this one completely with each and everyone’s actual voices. I laughed out loud, especially at the Katie Vick’s reference (awkward silence).

  27. Bubba says:

    Hey, where’s the article where Mickie chokes out Blade on the pit?

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