*cue the synthesizer music bed for RAPID FIRE PROMO TIME*
SHOT 1: SEAN CARLESS AND VIRGIL
SC: YAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-EH! This is Sean Carless, The Million Loonie Man. Tonight, right here in Dallas, TX, all of you vending-machine mutts will get to witness the in-ring debut of the most prestigious athlete to come out of the Great White North! The pleasure, however, will *NOT* be for you, Portuguese Man’O’War, eh. While your native economy continues to dig itself into its little crisis hole, I will PERSONALLY drain you of all your assets, leaving you PERSONALLY. BANKRUPT! YAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!
SHOT 2: BLADE BRAXTON
BB: OOOOOH, YEEEAH, the road to WrestleCrapMania, it forks and it forks, and The Pink Assassin’s itchin’ to stick the knife in, yeah! Ain’t no utensil bad enough to take down Blade Braxton, oh no, on the road to the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Championship! Schyster Family, yours is the road less advisably traveled, yessir, because you’re in Blade Braxton’s neck of the woods! In my parts, those who cheat The Pink Assassin out of certain victory will find the dagger plunged deep into their hearts, if ONLY, to prevent the fools from making that mistake again! I’m a perfectionist, and I will be a CHAMPION! OOOOOOH! YEEEEEAH!
SHOT 3: MICHAEL COLE
Hey, you’re not going to need to download any sort of App to watch what I do to that geek Gregg Maffews. He’s in the big time; this isn’t a rec center where little gym rats do their pommel horse flips that entertain fat turds in wrist bands and Weezer glasses. And tonight, you’re getting chopped with the pick-ax, deep in the heart…..of the Cole Mine!
SHOT 4: THE SCHYSTER FAMILY
IRS: In three short weeks, the hungriest of predators come in to feast. They hear the weasels crying, and thus they come running, but it ain’t to lend a helpin’ hand. Real Deal Reynolds, Blade Braxton, Miz, Gooker, Yankem, ALL OF YOU are on the endangered species list. But we’re damn sure not some protection agency; we’re big on extinction. We don’t kill for thrills; we’re realists. The stronger animals survive, and when I’m holding the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Championship in the end, you won’t see it. Mother Nature’ll have already scratched your name off the list, and there’s no bringing ya’s back!
SHOT 5: RD REYNOLDS
RD: If Jack Tunney got one thing right, brother, it’s putting the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Title up for grabs for fourteen of the baddest dudes to fight for! That medium-sized, nasty, wart-infested IRS, he may feel he’s the rightful champion, man, but he hasn’t proven worthy of being an undisputed champion, brother! Tonight, he feels the wrath of Crappamania, and ALL the Crappamaniacs will watch as my team of five rumbles over the Schysters, Shockmaster, and Scorpion! AND WATCHA GONNA DO when The Deal and his allies MAKE AN EXAMPLE OUTTA YOUUUUUUUU?!?!?!
VM: WELCOME EVERYONE TO THE SOLD OUT AMERICAN AIRLINES CENTER IN DALLAS, TEXAS! WELCOME TO SATURDAY NIGHT’S MEME EVENT!
VM: Hello, I’m Vince McMahon–
JV: And I’m Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and I gotta tell ya, McMahon, I’m still protestin’ Jack Tunney’s decision to put the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Championship on the line in a tournament! That belt should go to Irwin R. Schyster for winnin’ the Royal Rumble!
VM: Jesse, c’mon, that decision was made a month ago! You’re STILL complaining about it?
JV: But no worries, because tonight, some of Tunney’s favorites will get a beating so bad, they won’t MAKE it to WrestleCrapMania in one piece!
VM: Making reference, I’m sure, to the big ten man tag, as The Schyster Family, Shockmaster, and The Black Scorpion, they team up to face The Miz, The Gobbledy Gooker, Dr. Isaac Yankem, and of course, The Mega Crappers!
JV: It’s gonna take more than one referee to keep order in THAT one. Ain’t no way one official is gonna hold all of it together!
VM: Those ten individuals are all set to compete in the aforementioned World Championship tournament, along with four others set for tag team action, as Mike Awesome teams with Mr. Adequate to take on El Matador and The Dragon!
JV: It’s brains vs. brawn, but the brawn has The Brain on their side, in the form of Bobby Heenan! They’re gonna go far!
VM: Speaking of tag teams, we’ve got a battle royal to determine the first ever WrestleCrap World Tag Team Champions, plus Sean Carless AND Gregg Maffews making their respective in-ring debuts here at WrestleCrap! Standing by right now, Sean Mooney is with Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, take it Sean!
SM: Well thank you, Vince, I’m here with the manager of Mike Awesome, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. Mr. Heenan, tonight you manage both Awesome *and* Mr. Adequate in tag team action. I have to ask, though you *do* have Awesome as an entrant in WrestleCrapMania’s World Title tournament, is he the only client you plan on taking on?
BH: Ya know something, haircut, I can make *anyone* a champion. Of course, Mike Awesome isn’t just some park-bench ham-and-egger, but yes, I can manage anyone to the gold. Mr. Adequate’s a fine young athlete; and I could easily take him to great heights. My eyes are always open; I keep one on my wrestlers, one on potential wrestlers, and I always keep one on the money.
SM: Well, that’s….three eyes, Bobby.
BH: Yeah, when you’re me, you need extra vision for the ground you’ve gotta cover, and I do. I have the best vision out of ANYONE in this profession. Unlike Monsoon, and those blue-blockers of his that could set the Pine Barrens on fire. Now if you’ll excuse me, my visionary skills are currently required. Step aside, moron.
SM: There you have it, Bobby Heenan with his eyes on big things here in WrestleCrap! We’ll bring you that match momentarily, after this quick time out!
VM: Alright, we’re back and ready to kick off Saturday Night’s Meme Event! Right now, let’s go up to The Fink!
HF: The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall! Currently in the ring, accompanied by Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, at a total combined weight of 520 lbs, the team of Mike AWE-some, and MIS-terrrr…AD-A-QUIT!
VM: Quite the dangerous duo, these two!
JV: Yeah, with an even more dangerous mind at ringside!
*cue “Dragon Fire” by Jim Johnston*
VM: And listen, if you would, at this response!
HF: Their opponents, at a total combined weight of 478 lbs, here are El MAT-a-dor, and The DRAG-on!
VM: Things about to catch fire here in Dallas, as The Dragon and El Matador get set for this extraordinary tag team contest!
JV: I tell ya what, McMahon, you could be lookin’ at the next WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion in this match right here. You got a pair of tremendous technicians in The Dragon and El Matador, both world-class caliber, you’ve got brute force like none other in Mike Awesome, and–
VM: Woah is right; The Dragon spitting fire in an impressive display!
JV: Surprised that didn’t set off the sprinkler system here at the American Airlines Center! Awesome, however, not at all fazed by the showmanship!
VM: I would suggest not; it takes more than a fireball to get in the head of this beast. Mr. Adequate, on the other hand, may not be as fright-proof.
JV: I don’t see what difference that makes, McMahon; it’s not like The Dragon can use the fire during the match, right? Heenan didn’t have to scout film of Dragon’s use of fireballs!
VM: Well, I suppose you’re right, he *wouldn’t* have to. Alright, we’re about to get under way here, Adequate will be starting out against El Matador, a tough youngster in his own right!
JV: Ahh, geez, he’s not some rookie, McMahon, he’s–you know what, forget it. I’m already bothered enough by Tunney making a tournament instead of doing the right thing.
VM: Lock up now, Adequate pushing Matador into the buckle, jockeying for leverage, he has it at the moment, and–ooh, Matador ducks out of the corner, BIG knife-edge chop!
JV: Wow, did you *hear* it?
VM: Matador sends Adequate across, hard into the buckle–BAAAAAACK body drop!
JV: Adequate crunches against the canvas, and he’s already in trouble! Matador with a tag to The Dragon!
VM: Dragon in, lighting up Adequate with a series of chops, Mr. Adequate unable to respond–and there’s a jumping chop between the eyes!
JV: Referee Joey Marella needs to pay attention; that chop may have been directed toward the eyes, and that’s illegal!
VM: Dragon sends Adequate into the ropes–DEEP arm drag!
JV: Wow, the Dragon had great elevation on that takeover, now working in that armbar.
VM: You can see the frustration on the face of Bobby “The Brain” Heenan; you heard him earlier say he’s keeping an eye on prospective superstars to manage, and I would suggest Mr. Adequate isn’t impressing thus far.
JV: Well, Adequate just got out of that hold and he’s tagged in big Mike Awesome! Let’s see The Dragon toss HIM over onto his back!
VM: This Mike Awesome, he is a BEAST. You have to wonder what approach The Dragon is going to take in trying to get him down.
JV: We’re about to find out, he’s going for a leg–Awesome sends him backward to the canvas!
VM: Awesome easily swats The Dragon away, and boy, look at the joy on the face of Bobby Heenan.
JV: Can you blame em? He’s got the most powerful athlete in all of WrestleCrap! And look at the Dragon, he tried for that crossbody and got caught in a backbreaker!
VM: Awesome dismantling The Dragon piece by piece, and it’s clear that a tag needs to be made to El Matador the first chance he gets!
JV: He may not even get that opportunity, Awesome scoops up the Dragon, PLANTS him with a high spinebuster!
VM: Awesome with the cover and–only 2!
JV: The Dragon’s got a lotta resilience, I’ll give him that, but I think he’s fighting a losing battle against Mike Awesome. You know, maybe Awesome *should* let Dragon tag. This way, he can get a feel for El Matador, since they’re opponents in the tournament.
VM: Indeed, Awesome takes on Matador in the first round, while The Dragon would go head to head with Mr. Adequate.
JV: Yep, and the winners face each other in the quarterfinals as Awesome tags out to Mr. Adequate.
VM: Mr. Adequate now, applying a rear chinlock.
JV: His favorite move!
VM: Adequate working to drain the energy out of the Dragon, that knee planted into the spine that Awesome softened up with some devastating maneuvers.
JV: Look at El Matador shouting encouragement; how’s that going to ease the pain?
VM: He’s getting this capacity crowd behind The Dragon, in the hopes that he can find something deep down inside, in terms of intestinal fortitude, and look–Dragon’s bridging up!
JV: I can’t believe it!
VM: Dragon, he shimmies out–WHAT A LEAPING CHOP!
JV: The Dragon caught Mr. Adequate right at the edge of his scalp, and he’s bought himself an opening!
VM: The Dragon, desperately needs to make the tag! Heenan beside himself, he’s watching Mike Awesome’s best efforts go right out the window!
JV: Adequate stirring, he tags Awesome!
VM: Awesome in, Dragon’s–no, Awesome knocks El Matador off the apron!
JV: BRILLIANT move by Awesome, who still has The Dragon at his mercy!
VM: The Dragon was so close to that tag, and Awesome managed to cut it off at the last moment. He’s got The Dragon up–no, inside cradle! Two and–NO!
JV: Only a two count!
VM: The Dragon, still not entirely aware of his surroundings, Awesome hooks him by the foot and drags him back to the corner.
JV: Sound tag-team wrestling from Mike Awesome as he sets up The Dragon–OOOH, drops him across the top rope!
VM: El Matador finally back to the apron, he has to be frustrated as he watches his partner get manhandled with little hope.
JV: Matador’s best hope is that Awesome tweaks a muscle during this beatdown and has to forfeit the tournament. Not that that’ll happen, obviously!
VM: Awesome now, could be setting up for that Awesome Bomb. Heenan’s encouraging him to put The Dragon away.
JV: He’s done enough, I think, and I don’t–
VM: Wait, the Dragon trying to counter—he drops down–THERE’S THE TAG!
JV: He’s tagged in El Matador, and Matador firing rights and lefts at Mike Awesome!
VM: Bobby Heenan can’t believe it, the fresh man in there–BIG dropkick takes Awesome off his feet!
JV: Matador hammering away, trying to keep Awesome down!
VM: Wait, what’s Mr. Adequate doing in there?!
JV: Adequate illegally in the ring, pulling Matador off of Awesome–WOAH!
VM: The Dragon flies in and knocks Adequate to the floor!
JV: A huge flying cross chop, and Marella’s losing control of this one! What’s the ten man tag gonna be like?!
VM: The referee escorting The Dragon back to–DID YOU SEE THAT?!
JV: The Brain just tripped El Matador!
VM: What a rotten move, and now Heenan’s got Matador’s attention–FROM BEHIND!
JV: Awesome plants a knee right into Matador’s kidneys, I love it!
VM: No no, not like this! Awesome powerslams Matador, he gets one, he gets two and–NO!
JV: How did El Matador kick out of that powerslam?!
VM: Mike Awesome astonished, he can’t believe it! Now he’s setting him up!
JV: This is the Awesome Bomb, there’s–HEY!
VM: The Dragon just reached over the ropes and chopped Awesome! Matador now, FLYING FOREARM! He knocks Awesome down in his corner–
JV: Mr. Adequate tags himself in!
VM: Mr. Adequate charges–MATADOR WITH A SMALL PACKAGE! 1-2-YES YES, HE GETS HIM!
JV: I can’t believe it!
VM: What a victory for El Matador and The Dragon!
HF: Here are your winners, El MAT-a-dor, and The DRAG-on!
JV: I gotta count this as a major upset; The Dragon and El Matador worked around the onslaught of Mike Awesome and, with a little cheat at the end there, get the victory!
VM: The Dragon and El Matador, taking some momentum with them into WrestleCrapMania, but right now, let’s go to Mean Gene, standing by with the Schyster Family!
GO: Joining me are three men with much to gain at WrestleCrapMania, making reference of course to The Schyster Family! Mr. Schyster, you’ve gone on the record as calling Jack Tunney’s decision a travesty–
IRS: Travesty is merely a word, mortal slime, but rectification is an action. The stories of our generations are filled with defiant correction, the tales of men walking on two feet into the bellies of beasts and cutting them up from the inside! That’s merely all this is to my family and I is an unpatched bridge across life’s downcurrent, and it. Will. Be. Rectified. Tonight is but a warning shot, which we fire over the heads of those who seek to oppress. How strong their resolve is come WrestleCrapMania when their guard needs to be its most powerful remains to be seen, but I can look into the eyes of a man and know when he’s weak. Give all things time, and the most accurate judgments will be the flotsam on the brim. In time. Heh heh heh. In time!
GO: There you have it, The Schyster Family moving forward without a missed step. We’ll be back with more Saturday Night’s Meme Event, after this!
VM: We are back here in Dallas for more of Saturday Night’s Meme Event! We’re set for more action; let’s go to the ring!
HF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Currently in the ring, from Luso, Portugal, weighing 225 lbs, “The Portuguese Man O’War”, Al-do Mon-TOY-a!
VM: Alright, Aldo Montoya, the Portuguese Man O’War!
JV: Is he aware that he’s got a jock-strap on his face, McMahon?
VM: Stop it, I assure you that that’s a traditional mask!
JV: Like when you assured us that Tony Atlas was getting back to his native roots?
*cue “Million Dollar Rap* by Jim Johnston*
JV: Alright, this is what I’ve been waiting for!
HF: His opponent, being led toward the ring by his bodyguard Virgil, making his Winter residence in Hua Hin, Thailand, weighing 254 lbs, here is “The Million Loonie Man”, Sean CAR-less!
VM: Did Howard just say Mr. Carless is residing in Thailand? I can’t imagine what Sean Carless would have to do over there.
JV: Oh, you’d be surprised….
VM: “The Million Loonie Man” making his highly-anticipated debut here in WrestleCrap. His money, diminished value or not, can talk, but can Mr. Carless walk?
JV: I think you’re going to find that Sean Carless is a consummate technician in that ring, and he’s going to go a long way here in WrestleCrap.
VM: Does he always wear that garish grin on his face?
JV: What can I say, the man’s confident, McMahon. You’d be self-assured as well if your first test was Jock-Strap Face.
VM: Ohh, please. Carless gets set to lock up with Aldo Montoya, and we’re under way. Carless looks to be taking his time in there.
JV: Absolutely, he’s a strategist, I’m telling you.
VM: Lockup, into a side headlock by Sean Carless, really applying that pressure.
JV: You see how Carless lowers his knee to put more weight and more leverage on that hold, that’s textbook science.
VM: Montoya, hard-pressed trying to find an escape, into the ropes, shoots Carless off, a duck under the clothesline–oh, what a dropkick from Montoya!
JV: Montoya got the better of that exchange, but you don’t see Carless losing his cool out there! He’ll regroup!
VM: Carless back to the headlock, but Montoya goes behind with a hammerlock! So far, Carless getting outwrestled!
JV: That’s one move, and Carless will find a counter, I’m sure.
VM: Carless, can’t get a hold of the cranium of Montoya, trying for a leg–drops down–OOOH!
JV: Wow, Montoya was leveraged throat first across that top rope! What a beautiful counter by The Million Loonie Man!
VM: Carless, sets up, a swinging neckbreaker! Nicely done!
JV: He could pin Montoya now if he wants to, but I don’t think he’s done! He wants to make Montoya pay for embarrassing him with wrestling!
VM: Carless ordering Montoya to his feet, and The Portuguese Man O’War is struggling to do just that. Carless–BIG running kneelift, right in the jaw!
JV: Wow, Carless nearly took Montoya’s head off with that kneelift, and look, he’s gesturing that this one’s about to be over!
VM: Carless now, prying Montoya to his feet, what could this–applying some kind of sleeper hold!
JV: That’s The Wet Loonie Dream!
VM: The WHAT?!
JV: The Wet Loonie Dream, and Sean Carless is shaking Montoya like a martini mixer! Victory is near!
VM: Carless wrenching on that hold as Montoya begins sagging to the canvas! The referee has to step in before any permanent damage could be done.
JV: He’s checked the arm, and he’s calling for the bell!
VM: That’s it, this one’s history! Sean Carless, a mighty impressive debut!
HF: The winner of this contest, by way of submission, The Million Loonie Man, Sean CAR-less!
VM: Sean Carless victorious, but he’s not letting go of the hold!
JV: Hah, he’s gonna make this colorful nightmare suffer!
VM: Someone needs to get in there, he could injure Aldo Montoya irreparably if–WAITAMINNIT!
JV: That’s Super Eric!
VM: Super Eric flies into the ring, and he’s assaulting Sean Carless! Giving it to him with big right hands!
JV: What business does this freak have getting involved in Carless’ business?!
VM: BIG CLOTHESLINE TAKES CARLESS UP AND OVER! Super Eric wasn’t going to let Sean Carless injure a fellow competitor, not intentionally anyway!
JV: He fancies himself a real superhero, does he? You can bet Sean Carless isn’t going to let his interference go unpunished, I got news for you!
VM: Sean Carless, beside himself as Virgil escorts him on out of here! Super Eric, he *is* a hero as far as I’m concerned, as well as in the eyes of this capacity crowd! Standing by, we’ve got Sean Mooney, who’s with The Miz!
SM: I’m here with one of the entrants in WrestleCrapMania’s 14-man tournament to determine the first ever World Heavyweight Champion, and he is–
M: The most MUST-SEE Superstar in ALLLLLLLLLL of WrestleCrap, The Miz! And let me tell you something, I know all about championships and I know all about glory. I also know that those punks Real Deal Reynolds and Blade Braxton are also coveting what will rightfully be mine!
SM: Wait, Miz, those are your PARTNERS in tonight’s ten man tag!
M: Can you let me finish? Anyway, Reynolds and Braxton are two tremendous competitors, and I respect them to the utmost degree. I’d be honored to help them take The Schyster Family down a peg here tonight!
SM: Wait, now you’re FRIENDS with The Mega Crappers?
M: Mega Crappers?! They’re just roadblocks on my road to the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Title! A couple of low-lying bumpkins with a terrible sense of humor that need to be weeded out!
SM: Wait, I’m confused–
M: Will you QUIT INTERRUPTING? The fact is, I’ll be happy if ANY of us three make it out of WrestleCrapMania as World Champion, so long as the Schyster Family goes back to their shack empty handed! I can make these bold statements, because—I’m The Miz…..and I’MMMMMMM…….AWWWWWWWWE-SOMMMMMMME!
VM: Welcome back to Saturday Night’s Meme Event! Right now, as Shockmaster and The Black Scorpion stand by in the ring, these bizarre individuals, The Schyster Family, make their way down the aisle!
JV: You call em ‘bizarre’, McMahon; I call em men of conviction! They’re on a mission to rule over all of WrestleCrap, and tonight is just another step toward their goal of an Irwin R Schyster monarchy!
VM: Is that right? Standing by, Mean Gene is with The Mega Crappers!
GO: Alright, joining me, perhaps the most awesome force in all of WrestleCrap! You’ve got The Real Deal, RD Reynolds, along with his tag team partner, “The Pink Assassin” Blade Braxton! Gentlemen, what about this big ten man tag!
BB: Ohhh, Gene Okerlund, The Pink Assassin heard what IRS had to say about warning shots, yeah, and I say fire away, yeah! The Mega Crappers, Real Deal and I can dodge bullets with cat-like quickness, and fire back with the accuracy of a West Texas deadeye, yeah! So let me tell ya how it’s gonna be Schyster Family, Shockmaster, Black Scorpion, alluh ya! Tonight IS a warning shot yeah, for WrestleCrapMania, because The Mega Crappers are serving up fair warning for the big dance, and if ya ain’t got the right shoes, your feet’ll be fed to the fire, OOOOH YEEEEEEAH!
RD: Just like we’ve been saying since day one, Mean Gene, Crappamania and The Pink Madness are the together the strongest force in the universe, brother! On the road to WrestleCrapMania, right here in Dallas, TX, we’ll be more than happy to flex our collective muscle, jack! Irwin R. Schyster, you want to whine and complain that the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Championship wasn’t just handed to you? Well, my friend, I’ll keep it simple: watcha gonna do, and watcha gonna cry about, when The Real Deal, The Pink Assassin, and their posse, run over yewwwwww?!?!
GO: Thank you very much, Vince, take it away!
*cue “Hip to Be Square” by Huey Lewis and the News*
VM: AND LISTEN TO THIS RESPONSE!
JV: The crowd erupted for Isaac Yankem, The Miz, and The Gobbledy Gooker, but this response is off the charts!
HF: Their partners, at a total combined weight of 485 lbs, Real Deal Reynolds, and “The Pink Assassin”, Blade BRAX-ton!
VM: RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton, rounding out this impressive five man squad, in a match where all ten participants are vying to become WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Champion come March 30 at WrestleCrapMania!
JV: Absolutely, a lot of tension and animosity in that ring, a chance for everyone to feel out their first round opponent, and perhaps opponents in the later rounds. Who knows, maybe you’ll see an attempt at injuring an opponent before WrestleCrapMania!
VM: That could very well happen, especially given the treacherous tendencies of those on the Schyster side of the ring.
JV: Now wait a minute, you’re telling me Blade Braxton would pass up a chance to seriously wound Mantaur? If he cared about gentlemanly presentation, he’d shower before his matches!
VM: Oh, please. Alright, Black Scorpion will kick things off for his team, and it would seem as though The Gobbledy Gooker will do the same for his contingent. A quick look at the brackets tells us that these two are not first round opponents.
JV: Yeah, interesting, Gooker would battle Shockmaster, whereas Scorpion goes one on one with Yankem in the tournament. Oooh, Scorpion avoids the lock-up, stalling a bit.
VM: Yeah, a little bit of cockiness on the part of The Black Scorpion, as he struts around the squared circle. I would suggest that would only make The Gooker mad.
JV: Well, he’s gotta catch Scorpion first, and he’s pretty nimble for–
VM: Oooh, did you see that?!
JV: Reynolds just reached in and slugged Scorpion in the back of the head!
VM: Reynolds gets Scorpion’s attention, and now Gooker with a dropkick to the back! ANd look, Scorpion’s in the wrong part of town!
JV: Look, Braxton just caught Scorpion with a right hand! There’s one from Yankem!
VM: Scorpion getting bounced around like a pinball as he can’t get out of that corner! And Gooker takes him down with another dropkick! And now a tag is made to Dr. Yankem!
JV: The Black Scorpion’s in danger of losing this one already; he needs to make a tag, or at least roll out of there and clear the cobwebs!
VM: Yankem, Scorpion’s opponent at WrestleCrapMania, setting him up now, a big scoop and a slam, can only get two!
JV: Scorpion’s resilient, but that energy don’t last forever. He hasn’t gotten a chance to breathe, and the Mega Crappers team ain’t gonna let em.
VM: Yankem now, tag made to The Miz, whose focus has really come into question.
JV: Yeah, Miz don’t seem to know if he’s coming or going as he sets up Scorpion–ooh, Scorpion pushes off, and oooh, there’s a tag for Mantaur!
VM: This awesome behemoth, the mass that drives The Schyster Family, is all business, and The Miz I would suggest needs to reroute his strategy.
JV: Yeah, whatever kinda slam he was setting Scorpion up for, he ain’t getting Mantaur up!
VM: Miz looking for an opening, but wow, he gets sent backward to the canvas with authority! Mantaur just threw him back effortlessly!
JV: Ha ha, let’s see what The Mega Crappers team can do with an angry brute across that ring! He’s still mad about getting hit with that briefcase at The Meme Event a month ago!
VM: Miz makes the tag, here comes the Gooker once more, off the ropes goes the Gooker–
JV: Ooh, and he gets shoulder-blocked HARD to the canvas! He’s a fool to try and match power with Mantaur!
VM: Mantaur now, oooh, what a running tackle on the Gooker! A cover, one, two–no, only two!
JV: He about turned Gooker inside out with that barge, and look at IRS, a proud comrade!
VM: Irwin R Schyster, very pleased, as is the entire team as Mantaur prepares to feast on a very disoriented Gooker.
JV: Perhaps literally!
VM: He very well could, as he sends Gooker into the ropes, a duck of the clothesline–
JV: And Gooker tags in Real Deal Reynolds!
VM: Listen to this capacity crowd as Reynolds–blocks the right hand, and he’s firing away on Mantaur, just unloading!
JV: Reynolds is in control!
VM: The Real Deal off the ropes–PLANTS THE ELBOW BETWEEN THE EYES, AND DOWN GOES MANTAUR!
VM: Reynolds with–from behind, Heidenreich jumps in, and he and Reynolds are slugging it out! Get em out of there, ref!
JV: Heidenreich isn’t going to list–BRAXTON OFF THE TOP!
VM: Braxton with a double axe handle on Heidenreich! And now it’s starting to break down, Yankem and Miz in!
JV: Shockmaster and Scorpion joining the fray, this might get thrown out!
VM: IRS watching from the apron, look at the look on the face–oooh, Reynolds just launched the Black Scorpion to the floor!
JV: Braxton and Miz dump Mantaur out, and now Reynolds throws Heidenreich onto them!
VM: It’s a three-car-pileup at ringside and–where’s Gooker going? OFF THE TOP, THE GOBBLEDY GOOKER DIVES ONTO THE PILE!
JV: What a crazy move by the Gobbledy Gooker, jumping to the outside onto Heidenreich, Mantaur, and Scorpion!
VM: We’re gonna try and restore some order; we’ll be right back as this match continues!
VM: We’re back with more Saturday Night’s Meme Event, with this ongoing ten man jostle as we lead to WrestleCrapMania on March 30! Right now, Isaac Yankem is duking it out with the Shockmaster, and getting the better end of it!
JV: It’s been all Yankem for the better part of the last minute, and there’s a tag to Trashbag Braxton!
VM: Braxton now, to the top and–DOWN with a double sledge onto the shoulder of Shockmaster! Braxton now, wringing the arm of the burly Shockmaster!
JV: Braxton keeping it simple, ah, and there’s a quick tag to The Miz, with a shot to the breadbasket. Quick tags are the cornerstone of consummate tag team wrestling.
VM: The Miz now, in his must-see splendor, setting up Shockma–oh, DID YOU SEE THAT?
JV: Yeah, he hit the ropes and Mantaur planted a knee into the back!
VM: Shockmaster tramples The Miz with a charge, and there’s a tag to Irwin R. Schyster!
JV: Ah haaa, IRS steps into the match for the first time, and you can feel this crowd buzzing!
VM: You wonder what this disturbed individual is going to do, he sets up Miz, ohh, what a back elbow right to the jaw!
JV: IRS, gleefully laying in those shots to The Miz, and look at Real Deal Reynolds, he’s champing at the bit to get in there! He wants WrestleCrapMania three weeks early!
VM: Schyster, setting up Miz, drops him right across the top rope, looks like Miz landed flush in the throat area!
JV: Schyster’s in complete control here, you wonder how soon before he goes for a cov–ha ha, look at IRS, taunting the opposition!
VM: Give me a break, grinning ear to ear on his knees before Reynolds, DARING him to get in there!
JV: I don’t think Reynolds wants any part of Irwin R. Schyster!
VM: What are you talkin’ about?!
JV: He can step in there right now and settle his beef with Schyster, but I don’t think Real Deal’s got the guts!
VM: Jesse, he’s not the legal man, you know that!
JV: Ohh, when has that ever stopped Reynolds and his cheating buddies before? He’s withering in IRS’ glow; he can’t beat him!
VM: IRS now, setting up The Miz—ooh, what a neckbreaker! There’s a cover, one, two, and–NO! Only two!
JV: Oooh, that was close, McMahon, gotta give the Miz a bit of credit here; he’s showing some moxie by sliding out the back door on that one!
VM: IRS now with the tag, in comes big Heidenreich, The Miz’s first round opponent at WrestleCrapMania.
JV: If Miz can even make it that far!
VM: Well, Miz is taking considerable punishment so far, but he’s not backing down, as Heidenreich scoops up Miz–ooh, what a maneuver that was!
JV: Textbook fallaway slam by Heidenreich, well-executed!
VM: Heidenreich with the cover, but again just a count of two.
JV: Look at Reynolds and Braxton and them, trying to rally the fans behind The Miz. I don’t know how all of this support’s gonna help Miz shake off the blows he’s sustained thus far!
VM: It can give you that shot of adrenaline, help a superstar reach down deep for that little something extra! You never got cheered in your career, so I wouldn’t expect you to understand!
JV: Oh yeah, and the people really loved you out there!
VM: Heidenreich, raking the boot across Miz’s face, and there’s a tag to Mantaur!
JV: The beast is fresh, and he’s gonna show no mercy. Setting up Miz, WHAM, down with a front spinebuster!
VM: Mantaur’s not done, but he might be about to finish, he heads off the ropes and–MISSES THE BIG SPLASH!
JV: The Miz has an opening, he’s gotta make that tag!
VM: Miz, trying to crawl to his corner, where four arms are outstretched, this is crucial! He’s–waitaminute, Heidenreich in!
JV: Heidenreich drags the Miz back, what a brilliant move!
VM: He should be disqualified!
JV: Well, Earl Hebner’s allowing it! Reynolds and his team can bellyache all they want!
VM: Mantaur now, putting the boots to The Miz in the corner, and that may have been Miz’s only chance at getting that tag!
JV: I’d say definitely, so long as The Schyster squad keeps the ring cut in half. And there’s a tag back in for IRS! Could be about to apply the coup de gras!
VM: IRS, standing over a weakened Miz, imploring him to get up. You may be right, he’s relishing his ‘kill’, so to speak, and Miz doesn’t even know where he is.
JV: Schyster could be attempting his finisher, Brother Barry, he’s setting up Miz!
VM: Schyster hooking–no, Miz goes behind–no, Schyster avoids the Skull Crushing Finale, sends Miz into the ropes–
JV: Ohhh, and they clothesline each other!
VM: Both men are down, and this is yet another opening for The Miz! IRS is just as dazed after that clothesline, he may need to tag also!
JV: IRS looking to his corner, he turns himself over!
VM: There’s a tag to Black Scorpion! He’s preventing Miz, got him by the foot–NO, MIZ KICKS HIM OFF!
JV: I don’t believe it!
VM: Miz turns–TAGS IN BLADE BRAXTON!
JV: Braxton’s in, a house of fire, takes down Scorpion with a running sledge! This place is going crazy!
VM: Scorpion, thrown through a loop as Braxton slams him down to the mat!
JV: Braxton’s got–hey, here comes Heidenreich!
VM: Braxton meets up with an elbow between the eyes, and now what—he’s got both men–RAMS THEIR HEADS TOGETHER!
JV: Braxton pointing at IRS, he wants the Eater of Dividends in there! He needs to pay attention to The Black Scorpion!
VM: Blade Braxton and Irwin R. Schyster, exchanging words, from behi–NO, Braxton avoids Heidenreich and sends him into IRS!
VM: Braxton with an atomic drop, sending Heidenreich up and over! He’s cleaning house–
JV: Oooh, and Black Scorpion rolls him up! Two–NO!
VM: Blade Braxton almost lost it–Scorpion tags back out to Mantaur!
JV: Braxton isn’t aware–oh, and Mantaur stomps him right in the head! It’s all breaking down so quick! Now it’s BRAXTON that needs a tag!
VM: Mantaur setting up Braxton now–oooh, a front backbreaker and a beauty!
JV: Ha ha, Trashbag Braxton had the rug pulled out right from under him, and he’s in a world of hurt! Mantaur setting him up now.
VM: About to lower the boom and–MISSES THE ELBOW DROP!
JV: Braxton rolled out of the way just before Mantaur could drive that elbow down!
VM: Braxton, still rolling over–MAKES THE TAG TO THE REAL DEAL!
JV: Here we go, Reynolds is in, and he’s taking it to Mantaur, what a right hand between the eyes!
VM: Real Deal Reynolds–ooh, Mantaur blocks the right hand, lands a heavy knee to the gut!
JV: Mantaur’s got an opening!
VM: Mantaur off the ropes and—he misses the clothesline, Reynolds setting up–MY GOODNESS!
JV: HE’S SLAMMED MANTAUR! REYNOLDS BODYSLAMMED THE 400 LB BEAST!
VM: Reynolds off the ropes–no, Heidenreich cuts him off! Get em out of there, ref!
JV: Heidenreich broke up the leg drop before Reynolds could land it, and here comes Braxton! Going right for Heidenreich!
VM: It’s turning into a riot between the ropes, Scorpion and Miz now in, here comes The Gooker!
JV: I can barely call all of this, McMahon, there’s flailing bodies all around! Yankem’s in there now, and he sends the Scorpion over the top!
VM: Reynolds and Braxton, joining hands, and they land hard clothesline on the big Shockmaster!
JV: And look at IRS, just watching from the apron! He’s loving this!
VM: And look at RD Reynolds, pointing at Schyster!
JV: We might get WrestleCrapMania even earlier than we expected! Schyster’s daring him to come on over and get a piece!
VM: This crowd wants to see it! Reynolds, shaking the fists, he’s looking to–LOOK OUT! Big Mantaur takes down Reynolds from behind!
JV: What a set-up that was, as Heidenreich and Braxton’s fight spills to the outside! IRS headed up top, and Mantaur holding Real Deal up!
VM: Off the top and–
JV: OHHH! IRS accidentally nailed Mantaur after Reynolds moved!
VM: And now Real Deal Reynolds has got IRS! What a right hand! And another, down goes IRS, and now he’s hightailing it!
JV: IRS gettin’ out and Reynolds is in pursuit! RD’s got em, OHH, and he smashes Schyster into the railing!
VM: In the ring, The Miz covers Mantaur, but only for a count of two!
JV: Now why is The Miz making the pin! Reynolds is the legal man; why ain’t Hebner counting Reynolds out?!
VM: Jesse, the referee’s obviously lost complete control, we knew going in it wasn’t going to be easy keeping these ten from turning it into a melee!
JV: Braxton’s going up top! Double-axe handle connects on Mantaur!
VM: Heidenreich sends Yankem into the ringsteps as Reynolds–wait, IRS is in the crowd, and Reynolds is giving chase!
JV: They’re fighting amongst the people! Security needs to get over there!
VM: I can’t believe what we’re seeing here! Inside the ring, the referee admonishing The Miz, trying to get SOME sense of–wait a minute! HEIDENREICH JUST STRUCK BRAXTON WITH THE BRIEFCASE!
JV: Right in the lower back, Hebner didn’t see it!
VM: Miz shoves the referee, he grabs the briefcase–AND HE NAILS HEIDENREICH IN THE SKULL!
JV: Hebner’s calling for the bell, I think he’s disqualified The Miz!
VM: Miz, still hammering Heidenreich with that steel Haliburton, and now Scorpion’s in on the attack!
JV: We’ve lost Reynolds and IRS, they’re somewhere throughout the arena, and Scorpion and Miz are going at it!
VM: Shockmaster’s brawling with the Gooker, they’re headed up the aisle as a number of officials are making their way out!
JV: We might need a SWAT team to control this pandemonium! They should be chanting “ATTICA!” down there!
VM: And now YANKEM’s back in the fray, he takes down Scorpion, meanwhile Mantaur and Braxton are fighting it out in the corner!
JV: All of this for the WrestleCrap World Heavyweight Championship!
VM: We’re going to take a commercial break; when we come back, HOPEFULLY we’ll have order restored, stay with us on Saturday Night’s Meme Event!
VM: Alright, we’re back with more Saturday Night’s Meme Event. Thankfully, the officials were able to separate the participants in that ten-man tag, and now we’ve got a tag team match of a different sort!
JV: That’s right, a tag team battle royal to determine the first ever WrestleCrap World Tag Team Champions! The ring’s filling up with some serious beef already! The Godwinns, The New Twin Towers, Kamala and Saba Simba, the debuting Dynamic Dudes, The Johnsons, along with David Arquette and Oklahoma!
VM: It’s already proving difficult to keep Kamala from attacking the Towers at the onset of this match; what’s going to happen when the bell actually rings?
*cue “Muy Loco” by Jim Johnston*
HF: The MEX-I-COOLS!
JV: Now which two members of the team is it gonna be, McMahon? I doubt all three will be allowed into the match!
VM: I would suggest the leader of the group, Juventud Guerrera, would be involved, but it does remain to be seen who the other member would be. It could be Psicosis and Super Crazy, who knows?
JV: That’s a good advantage on their part, able to substitute at will!
*cue “Ole” by Jim Johnston*
HF: And….Diego…..Fernando…..LOS MA-TA-DOR-ES!
JV: Ahh, yes, these two. George Hamilton they’re not!
VM: Well, masters of the blade or not, they’ve got a very good chance of coming out of this battle royal victorious with the newly-minted WrestleCrap World Tag Team Championships to take back to their motherland!
JV: McMahon, Puerto Rico’s a US Commonwealth. This IS their motherland.
VM (ignoring): And here we go, this one’s under way!
JV: Sixteen men duking it out for a chance to win some gold! I think that’s Psicosis on the outside, so that leaves Juventud and Crazy to compete for the Mexicools contingent!
VM: Remember, ladies and gentlemen, as we see Akeem turn Johnny Ace inside out with a devastating clothesline, that when one man is eliminated, so to is his partner also eliminated!
JV: Yup, both men must leave together, as Los Matadores floor Oklahoma with a double dropkick! Remember, eliminations only occur when a participant goes over the top rope, with both feet hitting the floor!
VM: Absolutely, and with so much humanity in a restricted space, there’s no telling what’ll happen! Henry Godwinn now, he and Phineas pummeling I believe Rod Johnson.
JV: Where’s Richard, he’s caught up–hey, look out!
VM: Henry just eliminated Rod Johnson! Ol’ Hank scoops Rod Johnson under the legs and dumped him out with ease!
JV: Either Henry Godwinn’s got true farm strength, or Rod Johnson was just escaping his stench!
VM: Would you please? Phineas now, tangling with Super Crazy on the bottom righthand side, as we see Henry and The Guardian Angel going at it, two big bulls.
JV: Well, you’d figure the Matadores would be capable of handling either of them, wouldn’t ya? Hey, here comes big Akeem!
VM: Akeem and Angel’ve got Henry Godwinn against the ropes and—and there GOES Henry!
JV: That’s two teams gone, The Johnsons and The Godwinns, and we’re–no, now it’s THREE teams gone!
VM: Shane Douglas has been eliminated, dropkicked out by Juventud Guerrera! The Dynamic Dudes are history, and we’re down to five teams!
JV: Yep, the Towers, Matadores, Mexicools, Kamala and Simba, and the combo of Arquette and Oklahoma.
VM: Akeem now, he’s going for Kamala, while The Doctor of Style Slick shouts encouragement. Meanwhile, wait, what’s Vince Russo doing?
JV: Think he just handed something to Arquette.
VM: Arquette’s got a pair of what looks like brass knuckles! C’mon ref, this is ridiculous!
JV: Yeah, you don’t waste foreign objects and screwjobs on the midcard!
VM: I beg your pardon, this match is highly important, as it’s for the Tag Team Championship!
JV: Sounds weird coming outta *your* mouth, McMahon!
VM: Arquette, he’s spinning Saba Sim–no, Simba ducks and Arquette hits Oklahoma!
JV: The move backfired! Oklahoma gets laid out by Arquette, and this could cost em the match! Boy, there could be dissension in the ranks for this group, which they’ll downplay with a swerve the next day no doubt!
VM: Meanwhile, Kamala trying to resist elimination, Akeem and the Guardian Angel each have a leg up in the corner. Slick at ringside, rooting them on.
JV: Simba’s trying to break it up, what a right hand on the Guardian Angel! Fernando now, he’s trying to eliminate Arquette, but Russo’s pushing him back!
VM: It’s desperation time, no doubt, with five teams remaining. Oklahoma’s still flat on the canvas, meanwhile Juventud and Crazy are putting the boots to Diego, I believe. Psicosis, meanwhile, cheering his fellow Mexicools on.
JV: Simba now, trying to power the Guardian Angel out! He’s got both legs up!
VM: No, Akeem quickly puts a stop to it! Boy, Kamala’s taken quite a pounding in this battle royal. Both Twin Towers have targeted him, certainly at the behest of Slick.
JV: Absolutely, this match is about two things, the gold, and maiming Kamala, in the eyes of Slick! Fernando’s over to help Diego fend off the Mexicools, I think El Dorito there got Fernando’s attention.
VM: Excuse me, that’s “TOR-ito”, with a T, as Fernando takes Super Crazy down, what a maneuver!
JV: Beautiful headscissors by Fernando, as–Akeem misses the avalanche on Kamala! And Kamala’s got the legs!
VM: Akeem is–OUTTA HERE! KAMALA’S ELIMINATED HIM!
JV: I can’t believe it, that’s 450 lbs–wait, Slick’s got Simba by the ankle!
VM: Get Slick out of there, he’s not–THE GUARDIAN ANGEL JUST DUMPED SABA SIMBA!
JV: Slick just cost Kamala and Simba the titles out of spite!
VM: The Guardian Angel was supposed to have left the ring when Akeem was gone, and now they just cheated Kamala and Saba Simba out of a chance to win !
JV: Slick’s getting out of here in a hurry as Kamala ambles up the aisle after him! He’s incensed!
VM: I don’t blame him one bit, not after what Slick just did! Meanwhile, only three teams remain, The Mexicools, Los Matadores, and David Arquette and Oklahoma.
JV: Surprising to see Oklahoma, who’s just now starting to move, as the only real heavyweight in that ring. Usually battle royals favor the heavier entrants.
VM: Not the case here, as Diego now, slams Crazy down, and he’s headed up top.
JV: High risk in a battle royal, you don’t wanna get too high above those ropes!
VM: Psicosis to the apron, get him down from there! Oooh, Fernando just speared Psicosis off the apron!
JV: All of the Mexicools are getting knocked around, as Diego lands a beautiful splash on Super Crazy!
VM: And Oklahoma over to involve himself, big kneelift to the facial area of Diego! About time he got to his feet!
JV: Hey, he took quite a shot with those knucks, you can see the deep bruising on his cheek!
VM: Oklahoma now, big right hand on Fernando, he’s only up and fighting on instinct. Scoops up Fer–oooh, Fernando’s legs caught Arquette in the kisser!
JV: And look out, Diego’s got em–AND DIEGO ELIMINATES ARQUETTE!
VM: David Arquette to the outside, and neither Oklahoma nor Vince Russo can believe it! And this match is down to just two teams, either Los Matadores or the Mexicools are taking home the gold!
JV: Oklahoma slams Fernando down in disgust, and now Juventud on the attack on Diego! Jumping leg lariat takes him to the mat!
VM: The Mexicools may have a slight advantage after Oklahoma planted Fernando with that powerslam, as Super Crazy comes over now to assist Guerrera in possibly eliminating Diego.
JV: Fernando’s stirring, he lunges at Juventud to break up the elimination attempt!
VM: Guerrera and Fernando going at it in the corner as Crazy’s left to try and get Diego out. Diego with a strike to the chops!
JV: He’s fighting it!
VM: Diego breaks up the elimination attempt for the time being–and he’s got Crazy up!
JV: Crazy’s going over, he’s dumped to the apron!
VM: Juventud trying to break it up, but Fernando takes him down! Crazy’s hanging by a–wait, what’s Psicosis doing!
JV: Psicosis is in to–Diego just backdropped Psicosis out of the ring! Wait, Crazy’s got Diego!
VM: Crazy leveraging, he pulls Diego over the top and Diego hits the floor!
JV: The Mexicools have done it!
VM: I can’t believe it, that was cheating! Psicosis has no business being in there!
JV: The Mexicools are the champions of the world, they’ve won the battle royal!
HF: Here are the winners of the battle royal, and….NEWWWWWWW…..WrestleCrap World Tag Team Champions, The MEX-I-COOLS!
VM: The Mexicools are celebrating with the championship titles, but not before Psicosis stuck his nose where it didn’t belong, and helped facilitate the elimination of Diego!
JV: Well, it’s controversial, but the decision stands, Juventud Guerrera and Super Crazy are champions as a result of Psicosis’ actions!
VM: Stay with us, ladies and gentlemen, we’ll have more Saturday Night’s Meme Event, after this short word!
LAH: Joining me at this time, a rather jubilant trio, the Mexicools, who reigned triumphant in the big tag team battle royal, culling the World WrestleCrap Tag Team Championships under dubious means, but they’ll–
JG: Ay ay, what do you mean by that? The Mexicools, we capture the belts fairly! We’re the champs! Nobody can stop The Juice and all Mexicools!
LAH: I merely was referring to Psicosis, interloping his way into the proceedings, when it appeared that the Matadores were about–
P: Shut it, old man! ¡Te voy a aplastar a los dientes, sucio mentiroso!
SC: Mexicools, number one! New champions, and forever champions!
LAH: It appears the celebratory gala is under way, the Mexicools dripping bubbly everywhere in concert with their championship victory! I’m being told that Mean Gene Okerlund is standing by with the President of WrestleCrap, Jack Tunney! Gene, the floor is all yours, take it away!
GO: Thank you, Your Lordship. Joining me at this time, the esteemed President of WrestleCrap, Mr. Jack Tunney! President Tunney, in light of the proceedings here tonight on Saturday Night’s Meme Event, I understand you have some announcements to make, regarding additions to WrestleCrapMania!
JT: Yes, Gene, I’ve been viewing tonight’s card from the executive green room with several members of the board, as we have a vested interest in expanding WrestleCrapMania’s list of attractions. After consulting with them, and watching the events play out here tonight, I would like to announce the addition of three matches for WrestleCrapMania, March 30, in Atlantic City.
GO: Did you say *three* matches?
JT: That’s correct. First of all, the board representatives and I have decided, at the additional behest of Super Eric, who made this demand in person, that Super Eric will wrestle “The Million Loonie Man” Sean Carless in singles competition at WrestleCrapMania. Furthermore, after what happened during the tag team battle royal, I have two matches to announce that stem from that encounter. In one instance, the Mexicools will make their first defense of the WrestleCrap World Tag Team Championship as they will wrestle the team they hoodwinked to capture the titles, Los Matadores.
JT: In addition, the issue between Slick and Kamala will hopefully finally come to a head. I am issuing a handicap match, pitting Slick and The Twin Towers of Akeem and The Guardian Angel, against “The Ugandan Giant” Kamala and Saba Simba. Those three matches have been officially added to WrestleCrapMania, in just three short weeks, in Atlantic City at Trump Plaza.
GO: Thank you, Mr. President, for this stirring announcement! Back to Vince and Jesse! Wow!
VM: Alright, Gene, thank you! Wow indeed, three blockbuster matches added to an already loaded extravaganza!
JV: Wait a minute, the Mexicools never agreed to no match, McMahon! They’re still getting sloshed in the recesses of the arena! How could they have agreed to put the belts on the line against Los Matadores?
VM: Jesse, you saw the way the Mexicools won the match; they’re lucky the referee didn’t wave off the ending after Psicosis got involved!
JV: Ahh, minor details; what’s done is done, and the Mexicools are the champs! And poor Sean Carless; he has to wrestle that dimestore costume-wearing freak at the biggest event of the year?!
VM: Super Eric did a great service by preventing further injury to Aldo Montoya; who does “The Million Loonie Man” think he is keeping that hold applied?
JV: Well, maybe Carless can offer to buy Eric a real costume if he insists on playing superhero all the time!
VM: The handicap match also holds much promise, especially for Kamala, who looks to finally end his issue with “The Doctor of Style” Slick, once and for all!
JV: Hey, Kamala’s gotta get through Akeem and Angel first; no easy task!
VM: Indeed it isn’t. We’ve got one last commercial to take, ladies and gentlemen; stay with us for more Saturday Night’s Meme Event!
VM: We’re back with more Saturday Night’s Meme Event! We’re running low on time, but we’ve got one more match on the itinerary!
JV: Something tells me this ain’t gonna be a half-hour epic, either!
VM: Let’s get up to the ring!
HF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Currently in the ring, from Amenia, NY, weighing 168 lbs, MICH-AEL COLLLLLLE!
VM: Not a warm reception, I would suggest, for Mr. Cole!
*cue “Beat It” from Sega’s Moonwalker*
HF: His opponent, from Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England, weighing 175 lbs, GREGG MAFF-EWS!
VM: And here comes a relative newcomer to the world of WrestleCrap, Gregg Maffews, who has something of a cult following, I understand!
JV: That’s the thing, McMahon, you DON’T understand. Maffews is an internet darling, the likes of which few can comprehend. He’s big with streaming wrestling video, and hosts the most popular wrestling show there is!
VM: I don’t believe he operates Tout, Jesse.
JV: I don’t think *you* know what popular means.
VM: Michael Cole with the microphone now, a stall tactic, perhaps?
JV: Yeesh, that’s all he knows how to do is talk, and he can barely do that….
MC: Can I have your attention please?
VM: ……crowd’s not liking it one bit.
JV: Can’t say I blame em!
MC: This man across the ring from me, he’s barely a man! He’s a GEEK! He entertains a bunch of nerds that dwell in basements and rec centers, and has no concept of what sports entertainment is all about! He thinks it should be all flips and dives and the physical nonsense that nobody in their right mind cares about! The things Gregg Maffews enjoys are inconsequential garbage, and no one–
VM: WAITAMINNIT–Gregg Maffews just caught Cole in the face with a high kick!
JV: That’s one way to shut up Michael Cole! Who cares what he has to say?!
VM: Well, his speech wasn’t ALL bad, but–Gregg now, a series of quick kicks to the shoulder of a downed Cole!
JV: Working that arm, doing so very quickly, and now he’s applying some kind of hold! He’s got the arm trapped and he’s pulling back on the head!
VM: Michael Cole can’t hang on forever, and he’s given up!
JV: That didn’t even last a minute, and Michael Cole was handily beaten! What a spectacle THAT turned out to be!
HF: Here is your winner, by way of submission, Gregg MAFF-ews!
VM: Gregg Maffews, victorious after applying that intricate submission hold to the head and arm of Michael Cole, who is still writhing on the canvas!
JV: There’s little to celebrate by beating someone like Michael Cole, but nonetheless, helluva debut for young Gregg Maffews! I predict greatness to come here in WrestleCrap for this great competitor!
VM: That remains to be seen, but nonetheless, quite the positive beginning for–wait a second–I’m being told–there’s something going down in the back! Can we get a camera back there?!
JV: What’s happening?!
VM: Can we get a camera back there? Is–can anybody–can anyone hear me, hello?!
RD: Where is he! Get out here, Schyster!
VM: That–that’s Real Deal Reynolds, but where is he?!
JV: I think he’s in the parking garage! Has he been chasing Irwin R. Schyster this entire time?!
RD: Come on, IRS! I ain’t waiting for WrestleCrapMania! Show yourself!
JV: He’s armed with a lead pipe! Real Deal’s a crazy man!
VM: He’s not going to rest until–LOOK OUT!
JV: Oooh, Reynolds nailed em! Mantaur tried to attack!
VM: Mantaur was trying to jump Reynolds, but the Real Deal got em in the gut with that pipe!
JV: Will somebody call the police, or at least get security out there?!
VM: Reynolds has left Mantaur in a heap, I can’t–
VM: Wait, where’s that coming from?
IRS: I’m right here, Reynolds! I’m what you seek!
JV: It’s IRS! He’s daring Reynolds to bring it on!
VM: And Reynolds is running at him! This is going to get ugly, we may–
VM: What is that?!
JV: That car–IT’S HEADED FOR REYNOLDS!
VM: LOOK OUT!
JV: Ohhhhh! I think Reynolds JUST jumped out of the way!
VM: I can’t believe what we just saw, that car tried to run over RD Reynolds!
JV: Reynolds is up and he’s looking for it, but it’s sped away! I don’t see IRS either! Did he leave with the driver?
VM: Reynolds chucks the pipe up that exit ramp, I’ve never seen him so angry! What’s Reynolds going to do when he finally DOES get his hands on Irwin R. Schyster! My goodness!