*cue the synthesizer music bed for RAPID FIRE PROMO TIME*
SHOT 1: OKLAHOMA W/ VINCE RUSSO
VR: Suh-vivah Series is in da past! It’s done and ova with! Isaac Yankem! You and your little McMahon misfits or mishaps or whateva, you think you beat my men at our own game! Tonight, we’re gonna play a diff’rint game! We’re gonna hang an object from a pole, and who-eva gets it FIRST gets ta use it! And Docta Isaac, you ain’t gonna LIKE what dat object is!
OK: FORESHADOW! FORESHADOW! BAH GAWD FORESHADOW!
SHOT 2: DR. ISAAC YANKEM, DDS
I practiced tooth extraction while locked away in a basement, hiding my superficial scars, and rooting against the 1970s Cincinnati Reds. Russo, Oklahoma, there isn’t ANYTHING you can scare me with!
SHOT 3: SHOCKMASTER AND THE BLACK SCORPION
SM: Hey look, Scorpion, Blade Braxton made a surprising recovery! He helped put us away at the WrestleCrap Survivor Series! He must be 100%! Well, we better not take him lightly tonight, when he and that big goof RD Reynolds go up against us! When we’re done with you, Braxton, you’re gonna be just like your little wooden dummy Stubby: limp, motionless, and lifeless!
BS: WOOOOO! RD REYNOLDS! TO BE THE MAN, YOU GOTTA BEAT THE MAN! AND BECAUSE THE COMPANY COULDN’T FIND A SUITABLE OUTSIDER TO DRESS AS THE BLACK SCORPION, THE MAN IS RELEGATED TO DRESSING LIKE A SATANIC CAT BURGLAR! WOOOOOOOO!
SHOT 4: RD REYNOLDS AND BLADE BRAXTON
RD: Hey kids, it’s your old pal, ARRR DEEE REH-NOLDS! And Blade “The Hobo” Braxton and myself, we got ourselves into quite a predicament tonight!
BB: Shockmaster, Black Scorpion, the only reason ANYONE knows who you are is because we knocked the dust off of you, and made you relevant again! Well tonight in Hartford, you’ll be a footnote once more! You’re gonna be the team that got pounded by The Pink Assassin and The Real Deal, dawg! It’s going down on Saturday Night’s Meme Event tonight, Daddio!
RD: And Blade…..please to explain to our poor jock-ass opponents that Midnight Rose and Mr. Fitness will NOT be required in ascertaining their defeat tonight?
BB: Midnight Rose and Mr. Fitness are off enjoying ‘party refreshments’ with the best women available in the yellow pages! We won’t be requiring their help in Troma-tizing you two!
RD: Enjoy your TRIP……to the midcard, boys!
VM: WELCOME TO THE SOLD OUT XL CENTER IN HARTFORD CUH-NET-A-KIT! WELCOME EVERYONE TO SATURDAY NIGHT’S MEME EVENT!
VM: Good evening, and thank you for welcoming ALL the superstars of WrestleCrap into your homes for the holidays! I’m Vince McMahon, and alongside me, Jesse “The Body” Ventura!”
JV: Well BAH HUMBUG to YOU, Mick-MAAAAN! It’s the Christmas season, and there’s plenty of gifts under the WrestleCrap tree tonight!
VM: Indeed there are, as we anticipate the fallout from an exciting and unforgettable Survivor Series, this past Thanksgiving in suburban Cleveland! But tonight, RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton look to settle the score once and for all with The Shockmaster, and The Black Scorpion!
JV: There will be no switcheroo tonight, McMahon! You’re gonna see the Shockmaster and Black Scorpion pulverize these two jokers, and stuff their stockings with what’s left of them in the end!
VM: Well, that remains to be seen. In addition, Vince Russo has entrusted the rather rotund Oklahoma to get the job done against Dr. Isaac Yankem, with a mystery item suspended from a pole, Jesse!
JV: I got the scoop on what that object is of Russo’s, and I gotta tell ya: it’s going to put Dr. Yankem at a SERIOUS psychological disadvantage! He may not be able to focus tonight in Hartford!
VM: I don’t suppose you’re gonna tell us what that object happens to be. In any event, what about The Gobbledy Gooker, the feathered-friend to all, taking on the man who was nearly treacherous to him at Survivor Series, making reference to the Red Rooster!
JV: I don’t know if Rooster’s got it in him to be honest, McMahon, but wouldn’t that Gooker look good plucked and stuffed on your table come Christmas dinner Wednesday night?!
VM: Please. All of this and much more action ahead of us here, as go up to Howard Finkel!
HF: The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is an ‘item-on-a-pole’ match! In the corner to my left, accompanied by Vince Russo, from Muskogee, OK, weighing in at 249 lbs, here is OH-kla….HO-ma!
VM: You have to wonder what Mr. Russo has in that rather ominous black bag.
JV: Well clearly, it’s the item in question; it hasn’t been suspended from the pole yet. Looks to me like Russo wants to see Yankem’s face at the big reveal!
*cue drilling music made by Jim Johnston*
HF: And his opponent, from Decatur, IL, weighing in at 323 lbs, Dr. I-zik YANK-em….D-D-S!
VM: Alright, Dr. Isaac Yankem! Out of Decatur, IL, the Demented Drill Sergeant looks to give Oklahoma and Vince Russo a collective root canal here tonight in Hartford!
JV: The gingivitis in that mouth alone may be more lethal than what Russo’s got in that sack! How can this man call himself an oral hygienist when he can’t even take care of his own Chiclets?
VM: I would suggest that you wouldn’t tell Dr. Yankem that face to face!
JV: Well, no, how could I get CLOSE enough? The halitosis would shed my eyebrows!
VM: Yeah, you can’t afford to be losing too many more follicles there, can you?
JV: Hey, when Tom Hardy played Bane in that Batman movie, he took MY haircut, McMahon. And the ladies couldn’t resist him! Vin Diesel had a full head of hair until he adopted my appearance, ya know.
VM: Oh, is that what he did?
JV: Yeah, I’m a bit of a prototype to the stars. I think that’s why you gravitate to me.
VM: In any event, Yankem’s got his eye on that bag, which presumably contains the much-talked-about object. And now Russo’s going to give us an earful, it seems.
JV: This had better be as good as he promised.
VR: Ev-ree-buddy is keyed in on what I got in dis bag!
JV (to McMahon): You’re not sweating the overnight ratings, are ya?
VR (continuing): I have it on good uh-thar-it-ee that I-zik Yankem heah is actually a-nutha wres-luh named KANE!
VM: What is the meaning of any of this?!
JV: He’s trying to sound smart, McMahon; he’s only foolin’ himself.
VR: And if ya want proof of dis, check DIS out!
VM: Check this out? He’s going to that bag, and I can only imag–WHAT?! WHAT THE?!?!
JV: Is that a severed head, McMahon?!
VM: That looks like a woman’s head! That….that can’t be?!
VR: DIS IS DA HEAD OF I-ZIK’S EX-GIRLFRIEND, KAY-TEE VICK!
VM: This is PREPOSTEROUS!
JV: I agree, you can see the head’s made of plaster. Obviously a mannequin’s head. Yankem doesn’t even seem phased at all!
VM: Not in the least, he seems bored by Mr. Russo’s elaborate attempt at a psyche-out. Jesse, you said you had knowledge of what was in the bag, and you claimed it was going to be big!
JV: Well, I didn’t think it was going to be made of PLASTER, McMahon.
VM: So you thought Vince Russo was going to produce an actual severed head and didn’t think to tell anyone?!
JV (ignoring): And uh….and a crewmember is hanging that head from the pole. It looks to be heavy plaster as well, that’s a blunt enough object to knock a guy unconscious! It’s legal too!
VM: The head of Katie Vick, give me a break. And Yankem not wasting time, he’s going right after Oklahoma! Big right hands, OOH, my goodness!
JV: Ya know, I gotta stop listening to Vince Russo when he says his ideas are gonna change the way I look at wrestling….
VM: Yankem off the ropes….BIG clothesline and Oklahoma goes up and over! And listen to this crowd!
JV: Yankem fired up, but he’s gotta strike while the iron’s hot. Get that plaster head, waylay Oklahoma with it, and collect his Jelly of the Month Christmas bonus!
VM: Jelly of the Month?!
JV: It’s a movie, McMahon, pop culture. It’s lost on you.
VM: Yankem pulling Oklahoma to the apron the hard way, and he’s going to the eyes!
JV: Now that’s uncalled for! He’s strong enough to beat Oklahoma without resorting to cheating, isn’t he?
VM: Perhaps a bit of poetic justice, given that Oklahoma contorted his own face to make fun of the man he satirizes! That’s what he deserves!
JV: Yeah, because everyone who makes fun of Jim Ross deserves to have their eyes gouged out, right McMahon?
VM: Back inside, a scoop and a slam on Oklahoma, and Yankem firmly in control of this one! And he’s going up the pole!
JV: I think this is going to be a short outing for Oklahoma….and look out for Russo!
VM: Russo with Yankem by the boot, trying to prevent his ascent! I know there’s no disqualification, but come on, this is two on one! This is ridiculous!
JV: Oklahoma over to the corner now, he’s got Yankem, and throws him back down to the canvas! Oooh, Yankem hit hard!
VM: Dr. Isaac Yankem would most assuredly have had that mannequin head by now had that sniveling snake Russo not prevented his climb!
JV: Hey, that’s the Russo way; constant interference, even if it ruins your viewing enjoyment! I know a certain buff billionaire who benefited from Russo’s wacky ideas! Who might that be?
VM (ignoring): Oklahoma drops a knee, but doesn’t hook the leg, and he only gets a count of two. Russo making his presence felt, he wants Oklahoma to make the climb.
JV: He’s going to need that weapon to really lay out Yankem. He’s not going to be able to match strength with him, and I don’t think he has the endurance to last a long time in there.
VM: Your mind must have been read, because Oklahoma’s climbing the buckle, he’s going up to get that head!
JV: I think I can hear that pole bending from here; look at all the blubber!
VM: Russo cheering on his cohort, Oklahoma trying to slide up, but he can’t get a good enough grip!
JV: The grip’s not the problem, it’s the 300-lb caboose underneath of him! He doesn’t have the strength to haul all that weight up the pole, and look, Yankem’s to his feet!
VM: Oklahoma in a precarious position with Yankem now vertical! And what’s….what’s Yankem doing, extending his hand?!
JV: I’ve got no clue what Yankem is–WOAH!!!
VM: YANKEM JUST SHOT LIGHTNING AT THE POLE!
JV: He zapped the base of it, and it’s starting to collapse! Oklahoma’s teetering!
VM: The pole has collapsed into the ring with Oklahoma underneath of it! My goodness, I’ve never seen anything like this!
JV: Yankem’s armed with the mannequin head, just plucked it from the hook without having to climb! Oklahoma’s already out cold, he’s going to be beating a dead horse!
VM: Russo to the apron, he’s bent out of shape, perhaps even moreso than the pole and…OHHH, LOOK AT THAT!
JV: Yankem just rifled the mannequin head at Russo’s skull! He’s knocked him out as well!
VM: Russo laid out on the arena floor, and Yankem just places a boot on Oklahoma’s chest! This one’s history!
JV: That bordered on attempted murder, McMahon! Way outside the confines of what’s necessary to win a wrestling match!
HF: Here is your winner, Dr. Isaac Yankem, DDS!
VM: Let’s go back and show you how Dr. Yankem’s victory went down!
JV: Well, it’s obvious that Isaac Yankem somehow, through otherworldly demonic forces, defied the laws of thermodynamics and shot a bolt of lightning at the pole, which caused it to collapse on top of poor Oklahoma, thus negating the need to climb for the weapon. I’d say he outsmarted the brilliant ‘writers’ here, but that’s not something no one’s done before, McMahon!
VM: Could Dr. Isaac Yankem be one of the first entrants in the WrestleCrap Royal Rumble, coming up in four short weeks, live from Joe Louis Arena in Detroit? We’ll be right back, with MORE Saturday Night’s Meme Event!
VM: Welcome back to Saturday Night’s Meme Event. Standing by, Mean Gene Okerlund is the superstar combination of RD Reynolds, and his best friend, Blade Braxton! Take it, Gene!
GO: Standing by with me, one of the most formidable duos to ever step inside the squared circle! One’s the nephew of A-list actor Burt Reynolds, and the other was raised into a scholar by a family of Kansas prairie dogs! They are RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton! Gentlemen, you’re going head to head with The Shockmaster and The Black Scorpion! What about it, Blade?
BB: Saturday Night’s Meme Event, Hartford, Connecticut! The bright lights of Broadway under the Cherry Moon of our galaxy, yeah! Shockmaster, Black Scorpion, I know two sour grapes on Santa’s naughty list, yeah, and they need only the darkest lumps of coal to set em straight! Pressure makes diamonds, but there’s nothing that will be shining except the stars in the eyes of you cut-rate movie monsters, yeah! Santa Braxton’s skipping your house with nothing but a perfectly aimed glob of spit sent hurtling toward your chimneys, as I pass through the stars and kiss the sky with howling laughs, yeah! SHOCKMASTER AND SCORPION ARE GETTING RUN OVER BY REINDEER, DAWG!
GO: Real Deal, your thoughts!
RD: Well Mean Gene, it seems to me that Shockmaster and Black Scorpion have done a whole lot of complaining and bellyachin’ since Survivor Series came to a close. Hey, I didn’t have it much better! I missed Target’s 6 PM opening because I had to wrestle two matches! I wasn’t even permitted to sneak away to get the light-up palm tree I had my heart set on, and I had a coupon! I had to take my aggression out on my opponents, and that’s what got me through! Boys, if you thought Thanksgiving sucked, wait til I ruin Christmas for you as well! If that’s what you celebrate. Blade, is that what they celebrate?
BB: Well, The Black Scorpion has ‘black’ in his name, so he MIGHT celebrate Kwanzaa–
RD: Never mind, just never mind. In any event, tonight is the night we bury our own Crap once and for ALL!
GO: There you have it, the confidence is brimming from Mr. Reynolds and Mr. Braxton! Back to you, Vince and Jesse!
VM: Alright! RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton ready for action, and they’re not a force to be taken lightly, Jesse!
JV: I don’t know, McMahon, you can’t bamboozle Shockmaster and Black Scorpion THIS time around! They know exactly what they’re getting, and they’ve had time to prepare! No substitutions, just two on two! I don’t think Blade Braxton’s gonna survive without the element of surprise on his side!
VM: Let’s take you up to Howard Finkel!
*cue bad “Day Tripper” ripoff*
HF: The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, a total combined weight of 630 lbs, here are The Black Scorpion, and The Shockmaster!
VM: Indeed, a very menacing duo, particularly this gargantuan Shockmaster, tipping the scales at around the 400 pound mark! I would suggest that he plans to make two large Christmas-morning pancakes out of his opponents this evening.
JV: Yeah, Reynolds and Braxton have messed with the wrong monster in The Shockmaster. It was he that nearly ended Reynolds’ Survivor Series with that crushing bear hug. Had Reynolds not found a way to escape, the Shockmaster’s team would have been victorious! And they’d still be feeding The Real Deal through a tube!
VM: Notwithstanding their defeat at the Survivor Series, they look determined to avenge their loss, particularly this Black Scorpion, a very eerie individual.
JV: He’s more rambunctious than eerie, McMahon.
VM: Oh, you think so?
JV: Yeah, I’ve seen his spaceship parked outside MANY motels with hourly rates. Nothing science fiction about it!
VM: In any event, The Shockmaster and The Black Scorpion look quite confident, as they prepare for what’s ahead of them–
*cue “Hip to Be Square” by Huey Lewis and The News*
VM: –AND LISTEN TO THIS RESPONSE!
JV: Yeah, over 15,000 morons hailing their kings!
HF: Their opponents, at a total combined weight of 495 lbs, the team of Blade Braxton, and RD Reynolds!
VM: The XL Center has come unglued, here in the greater New York City area!! RD Reynolds leading the way, Blade Braxton all fired up in tow! The people love em, Jesse!
JV: Yeah, but so what? This isn’t a popularity contest! They have to actually get in the ring, and prove that Survivor Series wasn’t a fluke. Somehow, I doubt lightning’s gonna strike twice!
VM: What a gift it would indeed be if Reynolds and Braxton were to be victorious here on Saturday Night’s Meme Event! This capacity crowd is on their feet, and they know it’s bound to be a brawl for sure!
JV: Absolutely, but don’t discount the mat wrestling skills of that Black Scorpion. That’s what he needs to do, set the pace with his wrestling acumen, wear down both technically deficient opponents, and let Shockmaster overpower what’s left of them. Expert tag team wrestling, and they have to execute it.
VM: Indeed, but I would say that Braxton and Reynolds have known each other FAR longer, and would have the advantage where tag team continuity lies!
JV: Hey, you can believe that if you want, but The Black Scorpion’s a magician, ya know.
VM: A magician?
JV: Yeah, he hypnotized a major network into going halvesies on a second-rate football league! Best trick I ever saw!
VM: Stop it, will you?
JV: Hey, I’ve got no beef; I was paid handsomely for the ten weeks it was on!
VM: Alright, The Black Scorpion will begin the match for his team, and it would appear…..yes, Blade Braxton will start things off for his contingent!
JV: Now we’re going to see how Braxton fares when his opponents have had weeks to prepare for him. Call it a hunch, McMahon, but I don’t think there’s a whole lot of preparation needed!
VM: Braxton DID eliminate Scorpion from the Survivor Series and LOOK OUTTTT! Braxton hammering away with big right hands on The Black Scorpion!
JV: Braxton laying in those hooks, that’s a closed fist! Joey Marella needs to step in–
VM: And a thunderous clothesline drops Scorpion to the canvas!
JV: This is NOT the way Scorpion envisioned this match starting off; he needs to make a tag and regroup. He wasn’t expecting Braxton to mount this kind of offense!
VM: Scorpion up and Braxton brings him into the corner now for more punishment!
JV: HE’S BITING HIM, MCMAHON!
VM: Braxton, perhaps, enjoying Christmas Eve dinner a little early!
JV: Oh, you condone that, do you? Sure, but if Shockmaster or Scorpion did that, you’d be screaming for their head!
VM: Tag made, and here comes big RD Reynolds, and this crowd is electric!
JV: Scorpion is a long way from home, trapped on the wrong side of the ring, and Reynolds is unloading!
VM: Big right hands from RD Reynolds, who sends Scorpion off the ropes….BAAAAAACK BODY DROP! Shockmaster is beside himself, he knows The Black Scorpion can’t take much more of this!
JV: This match has been completely one-sided–and here COMES Shockmaster without a tag! Marella tying him up!
VM: Marella admonishing, there was no tag, and Reynolds has Scorpion up–he throws him at Shockmaster, and Shockmaster catches him!
JV: Caught his partner like a kickball, he should quick–HEY!
VM: Blade Braxton jumps in and clipped the Shockmaster’s leg, and Shockmaster winds up powerslamming Scorpion!
JV: That’s an illegal double team, and of course, Joey Marella’s doing nothing!
VM: Shockmaster and Scorpion go to the outside to regroup, and we’ll do the same! We’ll be back with more Saturday Night’s Meme Event, don’t go anywhere!
WrestleChat.net! Your one-stop shop for all things wrestling news and rumors!
VM: We’re back to live action, as Black Scorpion managed to make the tag during the break, and Reynolds is tangled up in the corner with the 400 pound Shockmaster!
JV: Scorpion took quite a beating for that prolonged period, and I’m amazed that Shockmaster landing on him didn’t knock him completely out.
VM: Shockmaster tries to whip–no, reversal by Reynolds to the buckle–OOOH, hits em with the clothesline! Shockmaster drops to the canvas and Reynolds with a BIG elbow drop! Cover that man, one, two, he–NO, only two!
JV: I’m amazed at how these two have controlled the tempo! I owe em some begrudging credit!
VM: There’s a tag to Braxton who heads up top, and a nice maneuver, driving the shoulder at Shockmaster, who stays on his feet and tumbles into the ropes!
JV: Braxton had better stay on him; a vertical Shockmaster is liable to get the upper hand sooner or later.
VM: Braxton creating a skirmish on the ropes with rights and lefts, Marella trying to get some semblance of ord–HEY! Scorpion just reached over and thumbed Braxton in the eye!
JV: I love it! That’s what Braxton gets for biting earlier in the match! There’s no telling what kind of diseases that mangy glutton’s capable of spreading!
VM: Shockmaster with Blade Braxton up, and drives him down into the canvas! Only a count of two, however.
JV: I don’t know how Braxton got the shoulder up there, but he can’t have much left after getting the wind knocked out of him. He needs to make a tag, or this one’s over.
VM: Shockmaster tags Scorpion, who gets set in the corner and….oooh, what a knee drop!
JV: Planted the top of the shin right the forehead, pinpoint accuracy! That’s a real brain rattler right there.
VM: Blade Braxton in a bad way as RD Reynolds rallies the Crappamaniacs here in attendance. Can they transfer their energy into the ailing body of Blade Braxton?
JV: Scorpion dragging Braxton back to the corner, very smart move. Cut that ring in half, and isolate the weaker opponent.
VM: Scorpion setting Braxton’s leg on the ropes and DROPS his weight across the knee!
JV: Ah ha, setting up for that figure four leglock of his. Imagine how sweet the revenge is going to be if he can make Blade Braxton give up right here on broadcast television!
VM: He’s indeed setting up for that figure four–ooh, Braxton with an uppercut as he tried to lock it on!
JV: Braxton needs to tag! This is his opening, he may never have a better chance!
VM: Hey, waitaminnit! Shockmaster just jumped in and slugged Reynolds on the apron! Reynolds jumping in, and we get ourselves a melee!
JV: What a smart move! Braxton can’t make the tag with Reynolds in the ring, and look! Scorpion had time to recover, and he kicks Braxton right in the leg! What an ingenious idea!
VM: What a ROTTEN idea is more like it! The referee’s restored order, but Scorpion’s continuing to work on the leg of Blade Braxton, really doing damage with that series of kicks. But Braxton is tough.
JV: Yeah, he may be too stupid to know when to give up! And there’s a tag to Shockmaster, who may put the finishing touches on!
VM: Things not looking up for Braxton as Shockmaster sets him up now–DRIVES him into the canvas with a sidewalk slam!
JV: Shockmaster now taunting Reynolds, which I think is a mistake. Finish the job, and then do your trash talking!
VM: Shockmaster off the ropes…WOAH HO, MISSES THE BIG SPLASH!
JV: See?! Took too long setting up for the splash; he could have shut the door on Blade Braxton, and his arrogance got the best of em!
VM: Braxton….crawling! Reynolds with the hand outstretched and this crowd is buzzing!
JV: Shockmaster tags Scorpion!
VM: Scorpion running across–NOT IN TIME! HERE COMES RD REYNOLDS!
JV: Aw no, they had this match won!
VM: Reynolds pummeling Scorpion with heavy rights, putting the space dweller firmly on dream street! Reynolds runs over and slugs Shockmaster off the apron, turnabout’s fair play!
JV: Reynolds with a full head of steam, but Scorpion’s still on his feet somehow!
VM: Reynolds with Scorpion into the ropes, LIFTS HIM HIGH OVER HIS HEAD! BENCH PRESSING HIM, AND DOWN TO THE CANVAS!
JV: The Black Scorpion’s gonna need to reach into that bag of magic tricks, because he’s really in a bad way here!
VM: Reynolds shoots Scorpion to the buckle–OOOH! BRAXTON LEANED IN AND HEADBUTTED SCORPION IN THE FACE!
JV: Scorpion might be out on his feet after running into THAT deformed cranium!
VM: Reynolds sets Scorpion up and THERE’S THE MIC CHECK! ONE-TWO–THREE!
VM: Let’s get the official word!
HF: Here are your winners, Blaaaaade BRAX-ton, and Arr-Deee REN-olds!
VM: RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton VICTORIOUS in grand fashion here on Saturday Night’s Meme Event!
JV: Well, I have to give em their due, Braxton overcame the might and power of the Shockmaster, and he and Reynolds outsmarted their opponents when it mattered the most. A feather in their cap, but how long can they keep this up?
VM: Let’s go back and take a look at how this all went down!
JV: Well, you see Reynolds neutralize Shockmaster by knocking him from the apron, leaving a worse-for-wear Scorpion to get hammered some more. The corner headbutt from Braxton would fell most mortal men, and Reynolds made it academic with the Mic Check. A good win for two men likely headed to the WrestleCrap Royal Rumble on January 19!
VM: Certainly so, we’ll find out later on tonight the first ten entrants into the WrestleCrap Royal Rumble, as Reynolds and Braxton continue to entertain this capacity crowd!
JV: A couple of showoffs are what they are, you don’t–
*lights go out*
VM: Hey, what happened to the lights?
JV: Beats me, maybe some–
*weird video and sound effects begin to play on the video wall*
VM: What the heck? What is that?
*the weirdness in the video subsides, as a man in a rocking chair, surrounded by darkness, is shown*
IRS: I don’t….audit people out of cruelty, but instead I’m driven by honesty. Folks think they can take shortcuts, slithering through the weeds like common garter snakes, going undetected while their neighbors take the time to pay their fair share. That is not honesty, but rather selfishness. And it’s my job to restore this prudence, this good judgment in these misguided mongrels. It’s my entrusted duty to say wake up, wake up–
IRS: WAKE UP! TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU AND SEE THE WORLD YOU’RE CREATING, MAN! Streets need to be repaired and children need school! But you don’t SEE that! You see your luxuries and your excess, and you put yourself before the government in thinking you know what’s best for you! But I know deep in my churning heart that this will continue until I confront the thieves and the whores and the liars, and inform them one by one….that this isn’t the beginning….heh heh heh….
IRS: It’s the end! HAHAHAHA!
(darkness for a beat, suddenly interrupted by Irwin R Schyster holding up a briefcase that somehow emits light, with a cow-masked man and a crazed-looking blonde man behind him)
IRS: We’re here!
(briefcase light is extinguished)
*cue “Live in Fear” by Mark Crozer*
VM: What is going on here?
JV: Was that Mike Rotunda of the US Express? Why is he dressed like a Bayou pimp?
VM: Take a look, that’s Irwin R. Schyster! What is he doing here, what is going on here on Saturday Night’s Meme Event?!
JV: Who’s he got with him? I recognize Mantaur with the horned-mask!
VM: I believe that’s the man known as Heidenreich with him to his left! What are they doing here, what kind of intentions could they possibly have?
JV: Well, IRS was talking about taxation, maybe it has something to do with that–
JV: AND MANTAUR AND HEIDENREICH ARE ON THE ATTACK!
VM: Heidenreich going after the worn down Blade Braxton, while Mantaur sandwiches Reynolds in the corner! What is the meaning of this?!
JV: Heidenreich throttles Braxton and slams him down to the mat while Mantaur puts the boots to Reyn–woah, Reynolds fighting back!
VM: RD Reynolds to his feet, hammering away on Mantaur! He’s got the big beast reeling! Heidenreich over and Reynolds with a right hand! With both men–RAMS THEIR HEADS TOGETHER!
JV: I can’t believe it, RD Reynolds is taking–WOAH!
VM: Irwin R. Schyster just nailed Reynolds from behind with that briefcase! Reynolds may be unconscious!
JV: Heidenreich and Mantaur putting the boots to RD Reynolds while Schyster looks on with wide-eyed approval! This is unbelievable!
VM: Now they’re bringing Reynolds to the outside, please get someone down here! They’re going to attempt to injure Reynolds, and you know it! We need some officials!
JV: Mantaur and Heidenreich are holding Reynolds, they’ve got em by the arms!
VM: Schyster–SMASHES THE BRIEFCASE INTO REYNOLDS’ FACE! THIS IS HORRIBLE!
JV: *I* wouldn’t even wish this on RD Reynolds or Blade Braxton; this Irwin R. Schyster is taking things way too far! Why has he targeted these two?
VM: Schyster, kneeling over the prone body of RD Reynolds, and we’ve still got nobody down here! RD is in a bad way, and he’s going to need help!
JV: What’s the crowd chanting, “Mike Rotunda?” Hey, that’s great, they know his old name. Make yourself useful and apply your intelligence to something productive, why don’t you?
VM: I can’t believe what we just witnessed! This is horrible!
SM: Welcome to the WrestleCrap Event Center! I’m Sean Mooney, here to give you some early details on WrestleCrap’s next offering on pay-per-view. On Sunday night, January 19, thirty of your favorite WrestleCrap superstars will compete in over-the-top-rope turmoil known as the Royal Rumble!
SM: The WrestleCrap Royal Rumble will take place at the sold out Joe Louis Arena in historic Detroit, MI, and it will available exclusively on pay-per-view and/or illegal internet stream. The event will be headlined by the 30-man Royal Rumble match, an elimination contest in which the only way to be eliminated is by being thrown over the top rope, with both feet touching the arena floor. It is our honor to announce the names of the first ten individuals who will compete to win the every-man-for-himself contest!
SM: Among the field are the lively and affectionate Santina Marella, along with the so-called “Voice of WrestleCrap”, Michael Cole. The Shockmaster and The Black Scorpion join the field, along with Cheatum, the Evil Midget.
SM: In addition, Shockmaster and Black Scorpion will have their hands full with the duo of RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton, both of them sworn enemies. The nearly eight-feet-tall El Gigante will also compete in the Rumble match, along with well-meaning hero Super Eric, as well as the insidious Dr. Isaac Yankem, DDS!
SM: It all comes your way in the new year on Sunday night, January 19. Be sure to purchase the WrestleCrap Royal Rumble, live, and exclusively on pay-per-view!
VM: Alright, we are back here at the XL Center in Hartford, CT, a few short hours away from New York City and Times Square, and just days away from old Kris Kringle sliding down chimneys all over the world, but I would suggest RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton are not full of Christmas cheer.
JV: Well, they weren’t expecting three men to attack them with some glowing briefcase, ya know. But you notice, McMahon, Irwin R Schyster and his cohorts, they chose to attack RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton, and apparently not anyone else!
VM: What is that to imply?
JV: I’m saying Reynolds and Braxton are MARKED MEN. They stood tall at the end of Survivor Series, and they stood tall after their win here tonight. Whoever is looking to make a name for themselves, and get noticed, they’re going to do it through whomever’s on top of the heap! If that’s where Reynolds and Braxton stand, they better be prepared to defend their standing here at WrestleCrap!
VM: We hope to have an update on the conditions of RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton before the night’s out. There’s more Saturday Night’s Meme Event still to come; we’ll be back after this.
Check out wrestling’s return to the legendary ECW Arena in Philadelphia, PA, as Extreme Rising invades on December 28, for “Unfinished Business!” See Sabu, Stevie Richards, Matt Hardy, Balls Mahoney, Rhino, Devon Storm, and a whole host of others as Philadelphia gets taken to the extreme once more!
VM: We are back on Saturday Night’s Meme Event, and what else could possibly happen here tonight?
JV: We’ve got Chico Sant–er, El Matador in the ring, the hits just keep on comin’!
HF: Currently in the ring, from Tocula, Mexico, weighing 244 lbs, ELLLLL-MA-TA-DORRRRRRRR!
VM: El Matador, a cool, calm, and collected individual, all the way from South of the Border! If there’s one thing El Matador can do, Jesse, it’s wear down an opponent from head to toe.
JV: Absolutely, a consummate professional inside that ring, El Matador blends science and speed, and he’s hard to beat!
*cue rather awkward tribal music*
HF: His opponent, led down the aisle by his manager, Reverend Slick, from Uganda, weighing 380 lbs, “The Ugandan Giant”, Kamala!
VM: Take a look if you would at the sheer size of Kamala, the Ugandan Giant! He is a behemoth, to say the least!
JV: Kamala indeed a fearsome competitor, but ya know, I think having Reverend Slick in his corner has humanized him a little too much, don’t ya think?
VM: Humanized him?
JV: Yeah, Slick’s spent so much time teaching Kamala the finer points of life, that he’s whittled down his killer instinct. Kim Chee had the right idea in sharpening his appetite for so long, and I think the two schools of thought are keeping him from being successful!
VM: I disagree completely; Slick has helped educate Kamala, and I feel a smarter Kamala is a more dangerous Kamala.
JV: You really think he’s smarter, McMahon?
VM: I think it’s quite evident. You saw what Kamala did at the Survivor Series, didn’t you?
JV: Yeah, he bashed The Real Man’s Man over the head with a bowling ball!
VM: And you’re telling me that isn’t intuitive?
JV: I’d like to know where he got the bowling ball from in the first place. Knowing El Matador, he’s probably heavily scouted, and is preparing for that bowling ball attack at any moment.
VM: In any event, this one’s under way, and Matador wearing a pensive expression, looking for some opening to bring down big Kamala.
JV: He’s better off going for a leg, but he wouldn’t want to leave himself open for attack. Kamala clubs you a few times, and you’re at an extreme disadvantage, playing catch-up!
VM: Matador sent careening to the canvas; he tried to land a right hand, but Kamala overpowered ‘em!
JV: Yeah, Kamala’s a little too quick and too strong for that. Maybe if he’s such a good bullfighter, he should just let Kamala charge to him. Ya know, hold up the cape!
VM: El Matador now, waistlock applied, this may not be the best idea, given Kamala’s size and—ohh, my, Kamala runs Matador backfirst into the corner, pinning him like a boulder!
JV: Not the place to be if you’re El Matador, beneath all that weight!
VM: Kamala taking the air out of El Matador’s lungs, he whips him to the far side and….oohhh, misses the charge!
JV: Matador’s gotta capitalize, Kamala is hurting after hitting the buckles!
VM: Matador to the second rope, a double axe handle! And Slick is beside himself!
JV: Kamala still hasn’t left his feet though, Matador chopping away with knife-edge shots! He might be wearing himself out–WOAH, A MISTAKE!
VM: El Matador tried for a scoop slam, and couldn’t do it! He didn’t have enough!
JV: Matador made an error in the heat of the moment, and is he ever paying for it. Kamala drives that knee in the ribs, and El Matador’s down.
VM: Matador learning the hard way that Kamala’s a bit out of his range, as the Ugandan Giant goes to work….and he misses the elbow drop!
JV: A wily veteran move on the part of El Matador, rolling away, he’s setting up now–and there’s the Flying Forearm! But Kamala’s still up!
VM: Matador, a hard shot to the midsection, he’s got him in position–and he misses!
JV: Matador went for El Paso de Muerte, and Kamala took a step back to avoid the hit! Maybe there IS something to Kamala being a little smarter out there!
VM: Kamala drops Matador with a thrust to the throat, a vicious shot! Now slapping his own abdomen, that’s usually the cue for Air Africa!
JV: He’s got Matador laid out, and he’s sett-HEY!
VM: Kamala fell through the ropes to the outside!
JV: I didn’t see, did Slick pull the rope down and allow Kamala to tumble out?
VM: I was just going to say, Slick had his hand on the rope, and look–he’s berating Kamala, telling him to get up!
JV: The referee’s up to seven, Kamala’s still knocked silly! I think he hit that big head of his on the floor!
VM: Slick sourly talking down to Kamala, he’s not even helping him! Referee Danny Davis is calling for the bell!
JV: I can’t believe this, I think Kamala has been sold down the river by The Slickster!
HF: The winner of this match, as a result of a count out…..ELLLL MA-TA-DORRRRRR!
VM: A hollow victory for El Matador, with a big assist from Reverend Slick, who is continuing to badmouth The Ugandan Giant on the outside! I don’t get this; I don’t get it at all!
JV: There must have been something bubbling beneath the surface, because I’m as lost as you are, McMahon, and that NEVER happens!
VM: Kamala to his feet now–OH, DID YOU SEE THAT?!
JV: Reverend Slick just slapped Kamala across the face!
VM: Kamala’s angry, he’s stalking Slick now, and Slick is backing away, barking orders for Kamala to stay away from him!
JV: You can’t just slap Kamala and expect him to keep his cool; he’s a natural fighter with–HEY!
VM: FROM BEHIND! THAT’S AKEEM!
JV: AKEEM THE AFRICAN DREAM! He’s attacked Kamala from behind! He used to be managed by Slick!
VM: Jesse, he IS managed by Slick! It’s clear what’s gone down here! Slick has betrayed Kamala for whatever reason, and has resumed the partnership with big Akeem!
JV: Akeem has left Kamala laid out on the floor, and even Slick is getting his kicks on the Ugandan Giant!
VM: I can’t believe this at all! We deserve an explanation for Slick’s treachery! Stay with us for more Saturday Night’s Meme Event!
Keep up with Maffew Gregg’s Botchamania series, with Botchamania 241!
SM: Joining me are Slick, and The African Dream, Akeem! Gentlemen, what went down out there?! Slick, why did you turn your back on Kamala?!
S: LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN’ MISTAH INVESTA-GATIVE JOURNALISSSST! For TOO LONG, I have TRIED to make a man outta that simple-minded Kamala! For TOO LONG, I tried to show heem the path of righteousness, ya know what I’m sayin’? And then at Survivor Series, what does he do? HE RUNS AWAY AT THE SIGHT OF A CASKET! He is untrainable, and he is unsaveable! Now my man right here, the 458 pound Akeem, the African Dream, he made sacrifices! He BECAME Akeem, homes! He was willin’ to part with yesterday, and create tomorrow! And tomorrow, Kamala, Akeem here is gonna give you a beatin’, should you choose to air your grievance with me! He’ll do it tomorrow, and the day after, and the day AFTER. Believe me, man, I’m takin’ Akeem to the top of WrestleCrap, and once we’re there, brother man, we’re gonna look down and wave to Kamala, who’ll be cryin’ at the bottom, HA HA HA HA!
SM: Words from a very ungrateful, Slick! Back to Vince and Jesse!
VM: I can’t believe those remarks!
JV: Hey, it’s like football; if your star player isn’t cuttin’ it, hit the free agent pool!
VM: Speaking of football, let’s go to the ring, where an NFL star stands by!
HF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! In the corner to my left, from Atlanta, GA, weighing in at 186 lbs, here is…PAC-man…..JONES!!!!!!
HF: His opponent, in the corner to my right, he hails from Metropolis, he weighs in at 225 lbs, here is….SU-per…..ERIC!
VM: Alright, Super Eric, a most unusual individual, claims to be a superhero with superpowers! Those powers may need to come in handy against NFL superstar Pacman Jones!
JV: Hope he has the power to break through legal forcefields, because he can’t touch Pacman otherwise! That was outlined in his contract!
VM: Well then why show up here to wrestle if you’re not going to make physical contact? Besides, doesn’t Mr. Jones have a game tomorrow?
JV: Yep, one o’clock against the Vikings in Cincinnati!
VM: He’s gotta fly back on the red-eye? Isn’t his team counting on him?
JV: Sure; they’re in the midst of possibly getting a first-round bye in the playoffs!
VM: Then what sense does ANY of this make?
JV: Beats me, I’m not Dixie Carter, ya know. She shoulda stuck to Designing Women!
VM: We’re about a minute or so into this match, and as you’d expect, there’s yet to be any lock-ups or even some form of competitive grappling. Give me a break.
JV: Hey, maybe Pacman could do a movie with RD Reynolds called “No Holds Allowed”, and you could produce it!
VM: Please. That’s almost as unbearable an idea as this match is turning out to be. The fans are getting restless–hey, what’s this?!
JV: Who is THAT?!?
VM: That’s ODB, the wife of Super Eric, and she looks like she’s in an ornery mood!
JV: She’s taken down Super Eric, and is depantsing him! Don’t they realize we’re on network television?!?!
VM: It seems as though an impromptu French kissing exhibition has developed before our very eyes and–look at Pacman! He’s feeling sick!
JV: Pacman Jones is wretching in the corner! He’s as disgusted as I am watching this, McMahon!
VM: Mr. Jones is indicating something to referee Earl Hebner, I’m not sure what he–Hebner’s calling for the bell!
VM: What’s the official word?
HF: The winner of this match, by submission, Super Eric!
VM: By submission!
JV: I can’t believe it! So repulsed by the actions of Super Eric and ODB was Pacman Jones, that he went to Earl Hebner and conceded the match!
VM: Well, that’s ONE way to beat Pacman Jones, but is it the PERFECT way to win a match? Let’s check in with one superstar who looks to bring perfection into the squared circle here at WrestleCrap, making reference to Curtis Axel!
(CUT TO VIGNETTE)
CA: Hey everybody! Curtis Axel here! And you know, they say that greatness often skips a generation! Whether it’s Phil Simms’ kids in the NFL, or Marlon Brando’s troubled son Christian, there’s often an argument to be made that the shoes of the father are simply too large to fill. I’m here to dispel that! If you’ll follow me to the basketball court here, you’ll see that ‘perfection’ isn’t a recessive trait in MY family!
CA: My father, “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig, never missed a shot in basketball, because he was, well, ‘perfect’! Anything my Dad can do, I can do as well. Watch, and gawk!
CA: Went over the backboard, did it? Ah, who cares! Perfection’s overrated anyway. Me? I’m good enough to get by on being adequate. Anything my father did, I can do at a reasonably passable level! He’s perfect, but I’m adequate! I call myself “Mr. Adequate.” I’m bringing my adequacy to WrestleCrap, and I can only fail at about a 35-40% clip! For the rest of you 60-65% of the locker room, you better look out, because Mr. Adequate is taking most prisoners!
GO: Joining me at this time, my old feathered friend himself, The Gobbledy Gooker! Gobbledy Gooker, you had those feathers ruffled at the Survivor Series, when your partner the Red Rooster refused to tag into your match! Tonight, it’s all about setting him straight, am I right?
GG: Rooster, I don’t like the way you worked against my brother in WCW. He was one of the best wrestlers you had, and your little corrupt office held him down–
GO: Wait a minute, you had a brother in WCW? I didn’t see any fowl-wrestlers running around!
GG: Maybe you were too busy counting your hotline dollars to notice, Gene….
GO: Well….I don’t know about that–
GG: Rooster, betray me once, and that’s enough. Do I look like someone you want to double cross?
GG: My thoughts exactly. See you in a few short moments, compadre.
GO: Vince and Jesse, back to you in the arena!
VM: Wow, is the Gobbledy Gooker ever angry! We’re running out of time, so let’s get it up to the ring!
HF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. In the corner to my left, from Vero Beach, FL, weighing in at 222 lbs, The Red Rooster!
*cue “Turkey in the Straw”*
HF: His opponent, from Parts Unknown, weighing in at 235 lbs, The GO-ble-deeeee GOO-ker!
VM: Uh huh! The Gobbledy Gooker, once a Thanksgiving mascot, is now making his presence felt all around the calendar!
JV: Gee, lucky for us, right McMahon?
VM: A crowd favorite to say the very least, take a look if you would at this individual, all festive and fun, doing his tricks and rolls for all the kids! HEY, WAIT!
JV: The Rooster just jumped the Gooker! This one’s underway!
VM: A blatant cheap shot by the Red Rooster, who is determined to end this grudge with the Gobbledy Gooker! He’s choking him, GET IN THERE, REFEREE!
JV: What? He’s got a five count! He’s looking to make the Gooker suffer for embarrassing him at the Survivor Series!
VM: Gooker sent off the ropes, oh, he ducks the Rooster’s forearm smash! What a clever move to avoid that forearm!
JV: I’ll say this about The Gooker, he’s smarter than most people seem to realize!
VM: Gooker with a nice maneuver there, some sort of a headscissors, and he gets–THREE! No, two! Only two!
JV: I think you need some new bifocals from Santa Claus there, McMahon.
VM: Ha ha ha, perhaps so! Gooker with a duck of the clothesline–
JV: Oooh, and he planted Rooster with that back suplex! And Gooker’s going up top!
VM: Gooker to the top rope, could it be….YES, a frog splash! Forget about it, this one’s history!
HF: Here is your winner, the Gobbledy Gooker!
JV: The Red Rooster just got beat in about two minutes by a man dressed like a Thanksgiving turkey, and it’s not even Thanksgiving! I think that somehow doubles the embarrassment!
VM: The Gooker rejoicing in victory! Perhaps we’ll see The Gobbledy Gooker as one of the thirty participants in the Royal Rumble, coming up in just four short weeks!
JV: Yeah, and we’ll see if his feathers give him the flight to avoid being thrown out!
VM: For Jesse Ventura and all of us, I’m Vince McMahon, wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year! So long from Hartford!