“Good morning WWE Universe! And welcome to a very special signature edition of Saturday Morning Slam!”
You know, generally you hear something like that and you think it’s just some WWE-speak gibberish. Not so on this show. No, when they say “signature”, they mean it LITERALLY, as we’re going to get an in-depth look at the autographs of the WWE Superstars.
Really, I’m not joking.
See, there’s the Deever’s autograph. Apparently she signs it then kisses it. I’d note what I would like her to sign, but I am a happily married man, so I won’t partake in such chicanery. Instead, let’s kick off this ep with Fave Five, focusing on catchphrases (with a hint of bacon, drools the announcer). Now I don’t ever recall this feature on any of the shows from 2013, which is somewhat odd as it seems a natural bit to have on SMS.
And yes, this first one focuses on the Greatest Catchphrases of All Time.
Up first? The Rock’s “If Ya Smell What the Rock is Cookin!”. Personally, I would have had that higher, but eh, it’s in the top five for sure, so that’s cool with me. Especially when I get a sign with a giant nose on it.
“To Be The Man, You Gotta Beat the Man!” comes in next.
Ah, look at young(er) Ric Flair. Look how happy he was. Man, Flair back in the day was so much fun, cutting great promos, having great matches, just being, well, great. These days, he rambles on without end at video game pressers and gets Jim Ross canned.
That’s no fun.
Having used up both Flair and Rock, pretty much limits what is coming up on this list.
And it sure wasn’t Miz.
Seriously, The Miz is #3 on the top 5 catchphrases of all time.
Ahead of The Rock.
Ahead of RIC FLAIR.
I won’t lie, recently I’ve had thoughts of abandoning this whole Saturday Morning Slam recap project and going back and doing inductions instead. Or maybe opening up the Mailbag again.
Seeing THE MIZ as the number three catchphrase of all time (ALL TIME!!!!!!!!) has me really reconsidering not only that, but my life choices in general. I recently explained to the Big Cheese, Paul Kraft, that he needed to be more laid back, more relaxed in life. I don’t know that covering a program that has a list such as this is going to make me very relaxed. In fact, I am pounding so hard on my keyboard right now that I think I may smash this titanium or platinum or aluminum or lead or whatever the heck this Macbook Pro is into oblivion.
NUMBER THREE ALL TIME CATCHPHRASE.
~breathe in, RD…breathe out…breathe in…breathe out~
Ok, who is two and one.
With stupid hand sign.
You know, them showing Steve Austin singing Kumbaya…even that can’t cheer me up.
Largely because the video link I provided up there also has THE MIZ.
This review is getting really depressing.
Suddenly the idea of watching, say, Little Hercules starring the Hulkster is not sounding so bad.
Ok, so next segment has the announcer telling us about John Hancock.
Yeah, that dude.
That wasn’t a Justin Henry Meme Event job there, that was actually a graphic on the show.
Anyway, John Hancock signed his name so big on the Declaration of Independence that King George wouldn’t need glasses to read it. So Kofi signed an old shoe once, Layla has signed a cell phone, and some guy I’ve never seen before signed a prosthetic leg. Oh, and Dolph Ziggler’s advice on what to have someone sign? A nice picture. “Not a baby,” he notes. “You can’t hang a baby on the fridge.”
See, this show is educational. On this one we learned that tidbit of American history about John Hancock, that babies don’t stick to household appliances, and that Miz was a better promo than Ric Flair and the Rock.
Things don’t get any better when we get an Alex Riley introduced POP QUIZ. The question:
Who bought WCW out from Vince McMahon?
Now we all know the answer is Shane, but who would be the other choices you would give?
NO NO NO!
This is WWE’s version of history we’re talking about!
So the correct choices are…
This may seriously be the most hate-inducing WWE show I’ve ever watched.
The match this week features Brodus Clay taking on Curt Hawkins. Whatever.
Even Santino looks annoyed.
He must have seen that Fave Five list too.
So Hawkins comes to the ring, and Josh tells us that he had two dreams as a child: to be a WWE Superstar and to play in the Little League World Series. “He didn’t do that,” Josh scoffs.
“He still has a chance!” Santino counters.
Josh: “Um, no he doesn’t.”
Not sure which is more notable: how much of an idiot Santino was there or how much of a bag Josh was there.
I’m thinking the latter.
So Brodus and Hawkins lock up, and that goes about as well as you’d expect. Flustered, Hawkins challenges Brodus to a DANCE OFF.
I think my mood just changed.
Why yes, yes it definitely did.
The match itself? Well, it’s horrible, just as you’d expect. The highlights are Santino championing pancakes for breakfast, and then telling us how he had a slingshot as a kid but warns the children they shouldn’t have them due to them being so dangerous.
Then Santino, Brodus, and the Funkadactyls dance for, no joke, 2 minutes straight.
If you’re wondering why I didn’t do a video capture, it’s because this was way better:
The show ends with an in-depth tutorial from Rey Mysterio about how to do the 619. He spends three minutes showing you how to do this. I mean, it’s not that complex, but if you were somehow baffled by it, you won’t be after this breakdown.
But hey, now that we’ve shown you exactly how to do it, “Don’t try this!” Rey warns.
Me, I’m just wondering if I should try to review the next show or give up entirely.
Tune in next week, we’ll see what I’ve decided…and yeah, you can sound off below if you want.