It’s been too long since I’ve seen a new edition of Saturday Morning Slam, and it’s been too long since I’ve written anything of substance for this here site. Now just so no one thinks that I am just some lazy slug, allow me to explain that I’ve been spending the last few months working on the new Death of WCW (which is great – 40% larger than the old version!), which will be available sometime in 2014. So when SMS went off the air a few months back, the timing was pretty much perfect. My goal was always to wrap up the new book and get back to writing when SMS made its return in the fall of this year.
So I am here…but where oh where is Saturday Morning Slam?
No one seems to know.
But I am tired of waiting, so I am going to go back and review all the old ones that I never touched prior to WrestleCrap’s relaunch in January. I’m nothing if not a COMPLETIST. So let’s hop in the Delorean, crank that sucker up to 88, and head back back to August of 2012!
Agreed, having a TIME MACHINE and traveling back just 13 months would normally seem like a waste…but this is the FIRST EVER SATURDAY MORNING SLAM we’re talking about!
“Good morning, WWE Universe! Welcome to the kickoff edition of Saturday Morning Slam!”
Ah yes, that is indeed music to my ears. Even more melodic is the fact that our ever upbeat voice over dude explains that this is our “full access pass into the professional and personal lives of the WWE Superstars!”
That’s right, we are going behind the scenes not on E! at 10pm on Sunday nights, but at 10 AM on the CW Kids Network!
Screw you, Total Divas!
And what a match up we have Kofi Kingston (holding the giant penny belt!) taking on the
Three One Man Rock Band Heath Slater. I am actually thinking that will be a pretty fun match. But first…we’re going on a special journey to a galaxy not so far away! We’re going to visit PLANET FUNK with Brodus Clay!
Maybe I’ve just watched Star Wars too many times, but I wasn’t expecting a completely new celestial body to look like, well, a parking lot.
Anyway, Brodus explains that Planet Funk is “all inclusive, and everyone is included!” He further details that when he brings little kids into the ring, they are the main event. Don’t let Hunter hear that, or he’ll be pedigreeing 7 year olds. I should also note that he dubs these kids his “Funketeers”, which is a name I doubt too many soccer moms would approve of.
Enough of my yakkin’! Let’s learn how to dance, Funkadactyl style!
Make some CRAZY CLAWS like Brodus!
Or pretend you’re a witch and cast a spell like Cameron!
Or just look completely baffled like Naomi!
Head out to Fredrick’s of Hollywood, and get some stripper boots! Size XXXSkank!
Oh, and then step to the right!
Funky Step Left!
Or just look forward, we don’t care!
Now do that all together with as little rhythm as possible, film it with a fish eyed lens covered in Vaseline, and it will come out looking like this!
Consider this: it was footage like this that got these two girls on a reality show on E!
And people wonder why I never watch television.
Before I can complain too much, though, we immediately cut to my favorite SMS segment…
The Video Vault!
Doesn’t sound like much, unless you’ve gone back and read my original SMS rants, in which case you know why this segment is so fantastic. Basically, someone in Titan Towers scours the WrestleCrap Archives, and always throws someone from there into the mix. Think I’m joking? How many WWE programs showcase the likes of GIANT GONZALEZ?
They do on this one!
And on this inaugural episode, we take a look at the GREATEST FUNKY DANCERS IN WRESTLING HISTORY!
And we start with TOO COLD SCORPIO!
I’d do a screen grab here, but seriously, I can’t do that. We need the whole video!
“Ain’t you kids s’posed to be in school?”
Now normally I would lambast anyone saying that you should NOT be going to the arcade, but if you’re teaching kids to STEP while some woman screams “TOO COLD!!! SCORP-EEEEE-OOOOOOO!!!!” at the top of her lungs, I’ll let it slide.
Keep in mind, this is the first thing they ever showcased on the Video Vault on Saturday Morning Slam.
They then followed it up with THIS MAN:
Yes, that would be DISCO FREAKIN’ INFERNO ON WWE TELEVISION!
Is there any question why I love this show so much?
Should we go to the ring for a match? HECK NO!
Let’s get another yakkety yak segment, this one dubbed THE THIRD DEGREE!
This is a bit in which we ask the WWE Superstars ridiculous questions and see if they can come up with an even more ridiculous answer. Today, it’s “What Olympic Sport Do You Like Best?”
JTG explains he likes female gymnastics, Heath Slater like basketball and boxing, and Brodus likes weight lifting. Cody Rhodes explains that he likes freestyle wrestling, but HATES Greco Roman wrestling.
“I don’t even know why people still do that!” he fumes.
I LOVE THIS SHOW.
And finally we go to the arena for our match of Kofi vs. Heath Slater, but first, let’s spin the Saturday Morning Slam Commentator Wheel of Misfortune and see who we get.
Now if you never watched this show, you would not know the greatness of what we are getting here. It’s not only Santino, but it’s Santino on a kid’s show, and it’s Santino where he KNOWS he is on a kid’s show and plays up to that fact nonstop. He waves to his fellow babyface friends in the ring and talks about how the heels are mean. MEAN!
For instance, here Santino champions Kofi by noting that he always takes time to sign autographs for the kids…but that evil Heath Slater, he NEVER takes time!
Santino further explains that Kofi is using arm drags very well, as it puts Slater on his back. ”That’s good,” Santino clarifies, “because that’s how you get a pin, 1-2-3.” He then notes that Slater is trying to pull the hair, which prompts a “THAT’S CHEATING!” Just when I think things can’t get any better, we get something that would soon become a staple of SMS, a criss cross rope run in which the face stops his gallop and then watches the heel wear himself out as he keeps going:
This spot would climax months later when Sheamus stopped, hopped out of the ring, and watched Michael McGillicutty keep running through an entire commercial break.
If you ever wanted to know why they started pushing Curtis Axel, look no further than here.
As the action continues, Josh thanks us all for watching. Santino notes this is how you should start every Saturday morning. ”Along with some breakfast, of course!” I’d watch every single WWE show ever if they’d just let this guy commentate on all of them. We are then told that one time Kofi had a contest to design tights that he would wear. I was unaware of such a contest. I spent the next two hours trying to come up with a pair myself as an entry, and the best I could do was a design that had two K’s and arrows pointing at his weiner:
I am sure someone else out there can do better. Tell ya what, best design posted to my Facebook wall in the next week gets a free archive pass. (Oh, and if you want to help the site, why not sign up for that yourself?)
Slater continues to cheat, this time with an old school abdominal stretch whilst grabbing the ropes. Somewhere, the Iron Sheik is nodding in foul mouthed appreciation. Santino asks Josh, and I am quoting here, “Should I tell on him?”
Seriously, the man asked, “SHOULD I TELL ON HIM?”
Kofi escapes before Santino has a chance to tattle, heads up to the top, and hits a gigantor flying cross body off the top for the win.
We come back, and get a piece on WWE visiting a school for the Be A Star program, wherein Stephanie McMahon, Sheamus, and The Miz all talk about how they’ve been bullied. Don’t get me wrong, I am not in favor of anyone being bullied, but if there was someone who deserved that, it would be Miz.
The show concludes with a montage of folks dancing backstage.
I mean, really, look at that.
Is there any question I’d want to go back and review the rest of these shows?