Before I get into the SMS report this morning, wanted to apologize for the report not going out as quickly as it usually does. This was due to, well, the entire Reynolds clan (me, Mrs. Deal, RD Jr.) being shot in the face with substances of various colors on this past Saturday morning in the form of a 5K walk/run for the Komen Breast Cancer group. It was a great time, even if I did wind up looking like this:
And besides, it was for a really good cause. I’m sure y’all will be ok with the report being a couple days later when we think about why I did it.
I think this dude’s shirt sums it up better than I ever could:
I had to explain to Mrs. Deal this was not in reference to, say, Brandon Phillips.
Really, I’m not joking.
How I love my oh-too-innocent wife.
On with the show!
“Good morning, WWE Universe! Welcome to the most action packed half-hour on television today!”
Did you hear that? How can people not want to watch the most ACTION-PACKED HALF-HOUR ON TELEVISION???
Primo, Epico, and Rosa Mendez’ Far Too Tiny To Be G-Rated Knickers come down the ramp to kick us off. As you will recall, last week Rosa and Natalya got into a catty argument that led to a match being booked for this week featuring the Colons & Rosa taking on Nattie & Hornswoggle & the Great Khali. Now on any other show I’d dread such an encounter, but on this one, I am hoping for some hahalarity. So bring it on, muchachos!
Oh, but before we do that, let’s spin the Saturday Morning Slam Commentator Wheel of Misfortune and see who we get!
Wade Barrett, complete with Intercontinental title! Pretty sure this is his first time doing color with Josh, so I’ll reserve posting any annoying emoticons. And I have a whole arsenal of them with this new site, so that’s showing a lot of restraint. I mean…I can do this or this or this or this or this or this or at least three or four others.
That’s the power of the NEW WrestleCrap Universe!
And Barrett immediately endears himself to me by noting that it takes a lot to get him out of bed on a Saturday morning, but Saturday Morning Slam can do it.
See, Ziggler? It’s not that hard. Barrett got the time of day right twice in his first sentence!
So Hornswoggle, Nattie, and Khali enter the ring. “We’ve had some real WEIRDOS in WWE,” Barrett notes, “and these three epitomize that.”
Sorry, couldn’t help myself.
Wade continues, noting that each trio is only as strong as their weakest link, those being Hornswoggle and Rosa. Josh notes that Rosa has, and I am quoting here, “an unorthodox style.” Wade’s translation: “I don’t think she knows what she’s doing half the time.”
Again, my apologies.
So Rosa and Nattie fumble around a bit, which causes Great Khali to stare.
I mean, they show like 10 cuts to him, and he’s always making the exact same face. In fact, in hindsight, they may have just shown the same 3 second clip of him over and over.
He’s also wondering what Rosa is doing.
Eventually, though, Nattie gets the upper hand, forcing Rosa to head to her corner and tag out. Primo immediately jumps in the ring, and points his finger right at the man he wants to fight, and like every good dastardly heel, he wants to pummel the midget.
After all the Gooker write ups I’ve had to do on the midget, I don’t blame him. Maybe Primo is a fellow Crapper as well.
So Horny gets in the ring, and Primo offers to give him a free shot…but not before he gets a chance to loosen up. So Primo turns his back on Hornswoggle, who then tags in Khali, who somehow sneaks in without Primo noticing.
Let me repeat that.
The Great Khali SNEAKS INTO THE RING.
Primo turns around, freaks out, and runs to the corner to make the tag. Epico is like, “Nuts to that!” and heads for the hills. And with that, we go to our first commercial, which features a product called “Dream Lights”. This appears to be a stuffed animal with an illumination chamber more powerful than most light houses I’ve seen.
Yeah, I am sure kids will sleep with THAT going on in their bedroom.
You’re right, Paul, it could be worse.
Back from commercial, Nattie gives us a “Don’t Try This” in which she explains that she grew up in the Hart family, and that’s something you don’t want to try. With all the stories I’ve heard about Stu taking kids down to their wood-paneled basement and stretching them, that may be the best advice ever given to children.
Talk turns to Wade being a leader of men. Josh: “Is it safe to say Hornswoggle is the leader of his group?”
Wade: “I sincerely HOPE NOT!”
Primo then takes a leap off the top rope at Khali, who moves, Wade notes, “just like a cat! AMAZING REFLEXES BY KHALI!”
Ok, I am 100% fine with Wade being on color every single show from here on out.
Pandemonium eventually breaks loose, with Hornswoggle grabbing Rosa by the ankles. This leads to the most comical foot race I’ve seen in quite some time, as the poor girl literally is taking like 2 inch strides so she doesn’t catch the midget. Somehow she winds up in the sharpshooter on the outside, as Khali hits a tree slam on Primo to pick up the win.
Backstage, Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes are looking for signatures on their petition to expel Mick Foley from the WWE Hall of Fame. Sadly, no one will sign it, not even…
…the BROOKLYN BRAWLER!
Yes, Steve Lombardi is here for us on a Saturday morning. I’m having Wrestling Challenge flashbacks! If Lord Alfred shows up to shill Mr. Freeze Freeze Pops (“They’re as fun to freeze as they are to eat!”) this show will never be erased from my DVR. Instead, Slam GM (Garanimal Model) Mick Foley shows up and books a tag match with the Rhodes Scholars against The Usos.
A Saturday Morning Slam Spotlight awaits us upon our return from commercial, featuring The Usos. We get footage of them dancing with their dad, Rikishi.
I like the Usos, I really do…but do you know what I like best about them?
That they don’t have a finisher wherein they shove their fart chambers in their opponent’s faces.
Good job, men.
Team Rhodes Scholars come out with dueling microphones, and inform us that they are officially competing in this match under protest. Oh, and they are not a tag team, just best friends who the company forces to compete in tag team matches. Under protest, mind you.
The match starts with Jey making fun of Cody’s mustache thusly:
I’d mock this, but I bet seven year olds the world over are howling at that.
~Looks over at RD Jr., who is sitting there completely stone-faced~
Then again, maybe not.
The Usos take control early, as Wade bemoans the fact that Sandow is here entertaining us instead of out educating people. Cody fakes an ankle injury, one that allows Sandow to attack the Usos behind the ref’s back. Upon this turn of events, Rhodes points at his ankle and starts laughing. “It’s a miracle!!!” shouts Sandow in his best Bobby Heenan impersonation.
Of course, this leads me to doing a YouTube search of Bobby Heenan promos, and I stumble upon this one in which The Brain is somehow upstaged by Jack Tunney:
Yeah, The Giant Machine isn’t Andre…but it COULD be Giant Baba.
Seriously, GIANT BABA, sez the Pres.
And here I thought it was Tiger Mask.
My love for Jack Tunney is unending.
Kinda like this match, that feels like it’s been going on for six years.
Finally, The Usos get the win with a small package.
Yes, The Usos win a match.
Amazing – that was my reaction too.
Ok show this week, thanks almost entirely to Wade on commentary.
Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s back to YouTube to find out if Jack Tunney has any insight on who that Midnight Rider guy may be…I’m guessing he’ll say it’s Giant Baba?