Saturday Morning Slam 04-20-13

22 Submitted by on Sun, 21 April 2013, 21:03

 

Before we get started, I want to make note that in the last 3 days I’ve had two folks who are not hardcore wrestling fans tell me that they watch this show.  We’re starting a revolution here, people!  One is my old buddy Joe Cady, who used to do ring announcing at PWI events, and the other is RD Jr’s babysitter, Nanny Deal.  Maybe if we’re lucky they’ll chime in  via the comments section below.

Also, mad props to everyone who joined me on the live Facebook chat on this week’s show.  When I can, I am on Facebook chatting it up as the show airs.  When I can’t, I still post a thread so you can comment on it, with the best ones showing up in these reports.

Ok, with all that out of the way, let’s get on with the show!


“Good morning, WWE Universe!  Welcome to the most exhilarating, heart stopping thrill ride there is, and that’s Saturday Morning Slam!”  You heard the man – get the defibrillators at the ready, kids!!!

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And we’re starting off with yet another announcement from GM and Garanimal suit model Mick Foley.  He seems to have one of these every week.  What could it be?  Daniel Bryan as Co-GM?  Santino as permanent color commentator?  Brad Maddox being fed to a pack of wild dogs?  The mind swirls at the possibilities, so let’s go backstage to find out!

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And when we get there, Mick is talking to Kofi Kingston and Justin Gabriel, with the boss telling the pair how he was a huge fan of “Superfly” Snuka growing up and while he wasn’t blessed with a high flying physique, these two were.  Kofi jumps in and says that he sees where Mick is going with this, and that he can’t wait to team up with Justin.  But then Mick cuts HIM off, and says no no, you’ll be facing each other in the ring.  The two then do some friendly bickering where they each note they will win with something with either three numbers (4-5-0 for Gabriel) or three words (Trouble in Paradise for Kofi).  I fully endorse teaching children to count to three by the use of wrestling finishing moves.  Mick then calls them “Little Rascals”, which has me hoping that Justin will start bring a dog named Pete with him to the ring.

Hey, wait a minute…while I have no doubt that will be a fun match, does it actually pass for a big announcement on this show?

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Prior to the match, we get a video package that makes me so, so sad that these two are both glorified jobbers these days.  They seriously look awesome, and I can’t believe such potential is being wasted by the company.  Gabriel has a look that probably could get the old Ricky Morton lovin’ teeny bopper crowd, and Kofi has absurd athleticism. 

What’s that?  Kofi is the new US champion?

Like I said: wasted potential.

Speaking of wasted potential, we spin the SMS Commentator Wheel of Misfortune and it lands on…

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Ziggler.  Again.  Ugh.  But before we get boring, bland verbiage from the guy who is anything but that in the ring, we go to commercial where we get promotional consideration paid for by the following:

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Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum, with a commercial featuring the world’s skinniest sumo wrestler in a library.  Hopefully telling horrible Bazooka Joe jokes.  Seriously, were did anyone EVER laugh at those?

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Ten minutes in, and we’ve not had any action at all.  That’s very un-SMS like!  Dolph notes that he and Kofi have had “over 500″ matches.  That completely contradicts what Kofi had to say two months ago.  So either they’ve somehow wrestled -499 matches, or one of the two is lying.  I’d point out what a geek I am for going back to research that, but I guarantee there is someone reading this right now that could tell me exactly how many matches they’ve wrestled, likely by month in 3-D line chart fashion.

This will sound really weird, but every once in a while I get the feeling that Kofi should turn heel.  I just think it’s overdue, and for some weird reason, I think he has facials that resemble, of all people Randy Savage:

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Do NOT misunderstand me: I am not saying that he could even carry the Macho King’s scepter, but just that he could probably pull off similar mannerisms.  It would be worth a shot to make him something other than the Boom Boom guy.

So they counter and counter a bit, then it’s off to break we go again.  Before commercials, we get Gabriel with a Don’t Try This (yes, the same one where it looks like he’s taking a dump).  He notes that he tore every single ligament in his arm “this year at WrestleMania”.  Ummm…

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Thanks, glad to see I wasn’t the only one caught off guard by that one.  We get a few more boring commercials, and when we come back, we get a Be a Star bit with Big Show (heel), David Otunga (heel), and Stephanie McMahon (super duper uber-heel) talking to children about bullying.  I was prepared to bury this segment six feet under the earth, but then I noticed that Otunga was talking to children while carrying his THERMOS:

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So I will let it slide.  Considering how much I despise Stephers, that should tell you all you need to know about the POWER OF THE THERMOS.  

I also want to make mention of something I’m not sure I’ve ever noted before about this show, and that’s the rampant blurring of anything that is either potentially offensive or corporate in seemingly any manner.  This happens on every show to a sometimes comical degree, and this week is no exception:

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I doubt I would have even thought about it before this shot, but thanks to WWE’s blur filter I now want to rush out to the local Target and see if they have any Captain America shirts on sale.  I have zero doubt this will be the first and last time I ever have this urge.

In the ring, Justin is doing…something…to Kofi.  And he looks like he is REALLY enjoying it.

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Never seen anyone like doing a massage THAT much.  That hair flip really seals the deal.  Ewww.  He then begins using some kicks and karate-esque moves, which Dolph equates to being like Jean Claude Van Damme.  

Seriously.

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Sadly, all the kung fu chop suey in the world doesn’t help Justin, as he falls prey to the SOS in a match that was fun but that I thought would be better. **¼

Did I sound like every other star-giving match reviewer on the web? That was my goal with that sentence.

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Backstage, we get the Colons and Rosa’s Way Too Tight For a G-Rating Black Leather dress talking to Natalya.  They feel they’ve been disrespected by Foley since he’s arrived on SMS, having to fight goofballs like Nat’s boyfriend the Great Khali.  Nattie’s heard enough, and notes that they can have a six-man mixed tag next week with the the Colons and Rosa versus herself, Khali, and Hornswoggle.  She has the ability to book this match because Mick “owes her a favor.”

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Probably best not to ask, agreed.

Another fun show this week, although some of you seem to have ways to make it more enjoyable.  Namely…

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No thanks, Todd.  I try not to be totally sloshed by 11am on Saturday mornings.

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Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
22 Responses to "Saturday Morning Slam 04-20-13"
  1. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    “Hey, wait a minute…while I have no doubt that will be a fun match, does it actually pass for a big announcement on this show?”

    On THIS show? Yes. Hey, the match was good!

  2. DaUsualSuspact says:

    Is Natayla in the “Kennel from Hell” type of doghouse by getting teamed up with Khali and Hornswoggle and being a backstage interviewer? Jesus…..

  3. Down With OPC says:

    Maybe Mick gave Nattie some Beno.

  4. Brian E says:

    If I wasn’t working every Saturday morning, I would sure take up Todd’s little drinking game. I think my Saturday mornings need to have a little more entertainment…while SMS sure doesn’t seem too boring (sometimes), a little help is never a bad thing… :p

  5. 19 Year old Monday Night Raw 1st Annv. Cake says:

    Justin Gabriel needs to fix his hair or get rid of that haircut.

  6. GamerGeeksTodd says:

    I don’t think I have to worry about us all being sloshed before 11am on Saturday. Rosa already beat us to it.

  7. Jay "The Brain" Mann says:

    The oddest part of this week’s episode was the ad promoting Transformers Prime as airing next when that show airs at 9 AM.

    …yes, I realize I’m being a complete dork right now.

  8. Walt says:

    I finally gave in and watched SMS, I don’t usually watch WWE programming. It wasn’t bad. I told my wife that while it was not on par with Gotch, Inoki or Robinson, at least they were trying holds and counter holds. I didn’t agree with Ziggler’s Monsoon-esque exaggeration of counter-counter-counter holds, but still not bad.

    I hope that I get to see Bryan Danielson on SMS this week.

    Also, when is SMS taped? No mention was made of Kofi’s US Title win.

  9. Walter Kovacs says:

    I would point out that, 999 is in fact, more than 500. Now, if the 999 number was right, Ziggler could have said that, by now, it’s over 1000, but in either case, over 500 is not contradictory.

    Also, it’s nice to see the heels doing the charity stuff, since Cena’s entire argument for not turning heel is basically that he would not be able to do his charity work.

  10. Brad Essex says:

    I didn’t like the zig zag man on commentary but it was a good show and Natalya once had to give mick a back rub. i watch it all the time because when daniel bryan was there that was so funny,

  11. Stuart Ratliff says:

    Next Week on Saturday Morning Slam, it will be Daniel Bryan vs a giant bear.

  12. Art0Donnell says:

    Was that the first-ever African vs. African match in WWE history?

  13. Nanny-Deal says:

    SO the only thing I was really focuesing on was the lady man hair…… Mick Foley and Justin had so long hair…..They probably spend more time on their hair than I do on mine. Kofi has long hair for a guy but it is not so womanish. I think they theme for this week was lets find the loong hair guys and make them fight. I did have a great niight with RD Jr. always an entertainment :))))

  14. Carrotti says:

    I think the black guy playing a randy savage character may have been done before in TNA

  15. James S says:

    If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m usually working on Saturdays, I would join in on the fun

  16. Joey The Announcer says:

    Yeah Deal, thanks for the hot mention. Yes, I admit that I’m not a hardcore wrestling fan-a-tic even after my storied career as the ring announcer for IPW. That being said…SMS is a great show! I tried WWE but I’d rather watch AFV with all their cheeseball gimmicks.

    Here’s some advice for all you kids out there wanting to be a ring announcer fro pro wrestling…RUN AWAY. Gotta go now, someone’s ordering a hot dog! ~J~

  17. Joey The Announcer says:

    Yeah Deal, thanks for the hot mention. Yes, I admit that I’m not a hardcore wrestling fan-a-tic even after my storied career as the ring announcer for IPW. That being said…SMS is a great show! I tried WWE but I’d rather watch AFV and see somebody get hit in the sack! What’s the difference? Cheeseball gimmicks.

    Here’s some advice for all you kids out there wanting to be a Pro Wrestling Ring Announcer…RUN AWAY. Gotta go now, someone’s ordering a hot dog! ~J~
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