“Last week, chaos erupted on Saturday Morning Slam!” exclaims our now-weekly over the top, deep-voiced, ever more panic-stricken narrator. “But today, an announcement will be made. Will it end the pandemonium, or will mayhem be unleashed?”
As he finishes this sentence, we get this visual:
WILL CARTWHEELING MAYHEM TAKE OVER OUR FAVORITE SHOW???
ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!
So, Booker T comes out to open things up, and in very non-WWE fasion, he takes up literally 30 seconds and introduces us to our new GM, Mick Foley. Ok, two phenomenal items there:
1) We wasted zero time getting to the point. You have no idea how many times I’d love those never ending opening Raw segments cut to a half minute. Who’s with me?
2) Mick Foley should be GREAT on this kids show. I mean, I’d seriously have a tough time coming up with anyone who can play a goofball boss designed to appeal kids better than this guy. AND he’s written children’s books, so maybe we’ll get a new Storytime with Uncle Mick segment.
Hey, one can hope.
Ah, just look at him. He looks Muppet-tastic in his ill-fitted suit (which from this point forward I am going to pretend are Garanimals). Ok, I admit – when I first heard about a GM for this show, I hated the idea. Now, however, I am completely in favor of this. However, not everyone is in agreement!
Heath Slater (here courtesy of the SMS Commentator Wheel of Misfortune™) for one is “heartbroken” over not being selected. “C’mon MAN!” poor Heath whines. But he’s not the only one, as Daniel Bryan shows up to voice his displeasure as well.
Daniel Bryan and his incredibly incredible hair, which now sports a curly q. Just when I think this man cannot possibly get any more amazing, how pulls out a do’ that is 50% Oompah Loompah and 50% Lollipop Guild. That is AMAZING.
Seriously, I cannot stop staring at it.
I’m half tempted to go buy a bad toupee and glue it to my head just so I can walk around looking like that myself.
I know there are a lot of self-professed wrestling fans out there who’ve never watched this show, and I cannot get over what they are missing out on. I mean, come on.
As The Dazzler (remember, that is his official SMS handle!) pleads his case, even Mick is having a nearly impossible time holding it together. How he didn’t lose it altogether as D-Bry goes into a troll-like fit is beyond me.
Mick notes that although The DAZZLER (!!!!) has anger management problems, he does have one thing going for him, and that’s passion. Passion, Foley notes, that may be good for someone to be his assistant on the show. A sly smile crosses D-Bry’s face, followed by what can only be dubbed SHIFTY EYES.
Ok, this guy has now morphed into an evil troll AND stolen from The Simpsons in the span of about 30 seconds.
He is seriously challenging Steve Austin (or is it Bret Hart? Rock maybe?) for my all time favorite wrestler this week.
This discussion is sadly cut short by Dolph Ziggler, who is now sporting clothes that girls in my middle school used to wear.
Note I’ve not been in middle school for like 30 years.
Anyway, they want to be running the show. A Yes-No shouting match ensues, but before Dolph can finish his “Infinity Plus 1!” capper, Mick decides to book a match that will start “RIGHT NOW!”
And we immediately go to commercial.
Which is followed by Alberto Del Rio, who is seriously one of the worst baby faces I’ve ever seen (and yes, I am counting the Miz) smirking and telling us to not try his moves at home.
Long story short, Mick’s definition of “right now” and mine are pretty different.
Finally, though, we get back to the arena, where the two go for a lock up, but The Dazzler drops to a knee and does what can only be termed the worst Ric Flair strut in history.
And I mean that in the best way possible.
So the two have the match you’d expect, which is great. The only thing missing is Bryan rolling himself up into a ball so that he can’t be pinned. This show so far has been pretty much perfect, sans Kane on commentary explaining to us how the kids really deserve an inferno match. Or Santino telling us who the MEAN one is.
Still, Heath is pretty good here, as he keeps defending 3MB’s lack of a single by asking Josh repeatedly to give him a beat. Yeah, can’t believe people would watch Raw over this.
And hey, remember a couple weeks ago where Dolph was doing situps and I said how his foe needed to roll him up?
I don’t want to say Mr. Danielson is a fellow Crapper or anything, but…ummm…I actually don’t have a way to finish that sentence.
Sadly, that’s not the pin, but a Frankensteiner gets it. I should note, the move is called as such during a replay package, so I can only hope that Big Poppa Pump is on his way in soon. That could seriously be the only thing that could possibly make this impossibly great show any better.
Backstage Mick meets with Brodus Clay and Tensai, and tells him this dancing is inadequate and juvenile. “Lacking,” he continues.
Lacking some DUDE LOVE DANCE MOVES!
This show just keeps getting better and better.
The Colons and Rosa Mendez show up to scream at the trio in what I can only assume (and by ‘assume’, I likely mean ‘pretend’) is an hispanic profanity-laden tirade. And those “shorts” Rosa is wearing are anything BUT G-rated.
This somehow leads to a series of bear puns that had RD Jr. rolling on the floor.
What can you say? They know their target audience.
The Funkasaurus and Sweet T come down to the ring with Cameron and Naomi, and as they shuck and jive Heath continually points out them missing various steps. He didn’t suggest it, but I think a SMS dance off with these two against 3MB is LONG overdue.
The squash is stopped for a moment by an Epico cheap shot, but well, you can guess how that goes.
Yeah, what could he do but shrug his shoulders. A double splash finishes things up. Now where have I seen that before?
Oh yeah, right.
In conclusion, I defer to another FB friend on this show:
If I were a WWE employee, I’d never want to be on any other show ever.
Great show this week, and I cannot wait to see what happens next week. Seriously, when was the last time you could say that about YOUR favorite wrestling show?