Saturday Morning Slam 03-09-13

10 Submitted by on Mon, 11 March 2013, 11:15
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“Chaos has run amuck…the WWE roster is in disarray…alliances forged…allegiances questioned…who can you trust?  These are dark and turbulent times…will a leader rise? The very FATE of Saturday Morning Slam hangs in the balance!”

Seriously, that’s how the show started this week.  

Oh, and it wasn’t the usual jovial morning narrator, unless he scored Ole Anderson’s Black Scorpion voice box from eBay.  That dude does show up, though, and tells us that ALL WWE Superstars and Divas are “jockeying for power” so they can take the reigns.  Oh what I would pay to see, say, Paul Heyman and The Rock debate who should run things on Saturday Morning Slam!

We open the festivities backstage this week, with Teddy Long and Natalya (thankfully not farting) discussing what a fantastic job she’s done interviewing folks of late.  Apparently asking folks who they want to beat up is a good indicator of how they may fare as a general manager.  I’d scoff, but that actually kinda makes sense in a pro wrestling perspective.  

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Sadly, before I can even insert the Nattie clapping GIF, AJ shows up and says that she should be running the show, as she did run Raw.  Hmm, I doubt most folks would consider Raw to SMS even a lateral career move.  Teddy scoffs at young Ms. Lee, and says the two ladies can settle it in the ring.

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As AJ bee bops down to the ring, I can’t help myself but admit that her entrance theme is darn catchy.  I know, I know, my man card gets revoked for saying something like that.  But it’s true, and it fits her character, heel or face, perfectly.  

First participant of our opener now being introduced, it’s time for us to spin the Saturday Morning Slam Commentator Wheel of Misfortune™ and see who’ll be joining Josh this week.

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Ugh, Dolph Ziggler.  He was horrible on here the last time he was on, so this isn’t filling me with optimism.  The fact that in his opening sentence he says “tonight” twice (!!!) doesn’t either.  Two questions:

1) Is it that hard to get guys to understand this show takes place in the AM?  I mean, it has MORNING right in the title of it!

2) Is Santino Marella really SO busy he can’t do this show weekly?

 

And immediately, Nattie goes into full on mock mode, pantomiming that AJ is ‘so short’.  Good call, Ms. Neidhart; that’s just the kinda thinking of which Vince and Huntor would approve.  Keep this up, and you’ll be running this show for sure!

So the two lock up as discussion of Natalya being Great Khali’s ‘gal pal’ is discussed, with Ziggler noting she now wants to be known as the Punjabi Princess.  I doubt this to be true.  AJ does a drop down, and Nattie decides to do the same.  

 

AJ looks baffled, then swings and misses.  I think.  I’d blame myself for being confused, but Josh and Ziggler look completely baffled as well.  I think there was a good idea in there someplace, but something tells me Maffew will throw this on an upcoming Botchamania.

Nattie quickly redeems herself, first with attempting to lead the crowd in a melodic “AJ” chant, then moving into what I can only describe as an assplane spin.  Seriously, I hate to swear on here, but…

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…what else would you call that?  AJ gets back to her feet, though, and locks an armbar on Natalya in the ropes, going so far as to count along with the ref up to 5 in a spirited heel move.  

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She follows that with a goofy submission attempt that can only be described as…well…goofy.  She then proceeds to attempt to thwart an oncoming Natalya by locking herself into the ropes.

 
That goes about as well as you’d expect.

Dolph then talks about his pet names for AJ, including the “tenacious terrier” and his “little spider monkey.”  I somehow doubt Mrs. Deal would appreciate either of those two nicknames.  Anyway, Nattie rolls through a cross body for the pin.  

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Yep, good for her.

Back from commercial (thankfully devoid of Dutch Oven references this week), we are told that virtually everyone in WWE wants to be SMS manager.  Shawn Michaels, Roddy Piper, Steve Austin, Vince McMahon, and JOHN LAURINAITIS are mentioned as possible candidates.  One of these things is not like the other.

Daniel Bryan faces Wade Barrett in the main.  THE DAZZLER (!!!), as Bryan likes to be called on this show, gets the SMS Spotlight.  You know, Dr. Shelby would make for a great GM.  D-Bry and some guy I’ve never seen before chat for a bit as he licks his hair and grooms himself. 

 

Really, I’m not kidding.

Back to the ring we go, but in a complete shocker Dolph is out at the commentary desk, replaced by…

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KANE!

You know how every week I say how they need to bring some genuine wackiness back the show?  

KANE AS COMMENTATOR ON THIS KID SHOW IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

And right away we get wackiness galore, as Kane explains that Daniel begged him to watch his match, as he has, and I am quoting here, “a pathological need for validation from me.”  Kane then notes the changes he’d make as GM of this show, including changing the color scheme to red & black (“Josh, come on, I wear red & black”) and having inferno matches.

Kane then goes into full blown UFC-style analysis of Bryan, noting that he is an excellent striker and what he lacks in upper body strength, he’s been able to mitigate by using his feet, to edify by using his feet.  Ok, we may have just found someone superior to Santino on this show.  Fantastic.

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Back from commercial, Cody Rhodes tells us not to grow a moustache at home.  Sage wisdom for all you 8-year olds out there.

Ringside, Kane is asked about AJ running SMS.  He rightly notes she bombed on Raw, so why on earth would Josh want her here?  Good point, why would he?  A crucifix gets the win for D-Bry…

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…who immediately jumps out of the ring and hugs Kane, who again deadpans, “See?  Need for validation.”

I know he doesn’t get the job, but after this, I will state for the record I have never wanted anything more in my life than to have Kane run this show.

Best show in a long, long time.  SMS is back, baby!

 

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10 Responses to "Saturday Morning Slam 03-09-13"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Kane as SMS GM would be awesome in a perverse way.

  2. TrenWolfman says:

    “Shawn Michaels, Roddy Piper, Steve Austin, Vince McMahon, and JOHN LAURINAITIS are mentioned as possible candidates. One of these things is not like the other.”

    Really? I thought they were featured as a list of some of the previous GMs in WWE’s history, not as possible current candidates. Unless I zoned out and didn’t hear a few words in that video package.

    Still, great work as always, RD. One can only hope that we can see (and hear!) more of Kane on commentary in future SMS installments.

  3. Ryan says:

    Cody Rhodes = GREATEST T-SHIRT EVER!!!

  4. IC says:

    “I know he doesn’t get the job”
    Oh come on, spoilers, man.
    Is nothing sacred?
    On a serious note, did anyone else notice a red liquid randomly pouring down Kane’s neck as he started commentary?
    You can see a stain that goes down to right above his shirt later in the show.
    Also, I think the guy who interviews Bryan that you’ve never seen before is Tony Dawson, also the voiceover guy for the show, commentator for Superstars, and interviewer for Smackdown’s Backstage Fallout.
    Finally, you gotta love how the IC champ has jobbed non-title matches on every single televised show the company has.

    • Jay "The Brain" Mann says:

      Ah, yes, Tony Dawson, who has appeared in the Power Crappings multiple times!

      Also, Kane’s makeup he wears under his mask is notoriously drippy.

  5. Paul R. from SpookCentral.tk says:

    – …with Teddy Long and Natalya (thankfully not farting)…

    RD, my good man, could you please stop bringing up that stupid farting bit every time you mention Natalya. Hasn’t that lively lass suffered enough? WWE has put it behind them (pun intended), please do the same.

    Natalya is one of the best things about SMS, and I’m glad you added a new Natalya ani gif to today’s SMS recap. I swear, that lovely lady could wrestle a broom and make it fun and entertaining. I can’t remember the last time I saw a wrestler who made their matches fun to watch…and she’s technically sound, too! She’s also quite easy on the eyes, and has a rather healthy body shape (neither fat nor anorexicly-skinny). Natalya is, in a word – and screw The Miz – AWESOME! It’s a shame WWE management doesn’t realize this.

    • Paul R. from SpookCentral.tk says:

      Oh, and like trenwolfman said, that video package was about previous gms. Piper, Austin, et al aren’t up for consideration as SMS gm. Not trying to be an ass; just trying to give a helpful correction.

  6. John Darc says:

    Saturday Morning Slam is the only place for Inferno matches. It’s too real.

  7. Andrew says:

    AJ’s goofy submission there is D-Bryan’s old indie finsiher, Cattle Muttilation. She must’ve learned it while they were dating.

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