“Good morning WWE Universe! We have a sick show for you today!” How appropriate; I feel like someone has taken a battering ram to my lower intestines. Will I be able to rough out another SMS Report? As I am fond of saying…ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!!
Our opening contest this week gives us two of SMS’s seemingly 8 guys squaring off, as we get Justin Gabriel versus Heath Slater. The plus of this is that 3MB is here to amuse me on a Saturday Morning. The minus is that means no Slater on commentary. And that is a huge minus as he was great last week explaining how Gabriel jumping out of airplanes with a PARACHUTE made him a wimp; real men, he tells us, wouldn’t need one. So anyway, we spin the SMS Commentary Wheel of Misfortune™ and we get…
Ugh. Dolph Ziggler. As fun as he is to watch in the ring attempting to cripple himself, he was borderline catatonic the last time he did commentary on here. We can only hope that Slater or Santino gave the poor guy some tips, or this may make for a long 30 minutes.
Before we get to the action, though, we get a look back at the history of these two men, as they were tag team champions together on multiple occasions. No, really, they were. And apparently Gabriel wasn’t allowed to be in 3MB because, and I am quoting Josh Matthews here, “he is not musically inclined.”
Now THAT is the basis of a feud!
Oh, and for all you who say that WWE totally botched Nexxus (and I agree), I give you this:
Think David Ottunga was ever going to air guitar then leapfrog over Slater’s arms?
Eh, maybe he would. What’s he doing now anyway?
Onto the match, as Josh discusses the possibility of Dolph joining the 3MB as their drummer. This idea actually has merit. They’d not only get a drummer, but a groupie (AJ) and a roadie/bodyguard (Biggie). None of this is mentioned, so the notion is blown off immediately. Oh well.
And right after an attempted mini-concert, the ref throws 2/3 of 3MB out of ringside. That sucks. The image up above does humor me a bit, though, as you get the ref wildly signaling that they are to leave, 3MB looking on in disbelief, and Gabriel over in the corner smiling like he’s just been given ten billion dollars.
Those 320 pixels by 240 pixels kinda define why wrestling is still great.
So the match starts, and Dolph explains that how Jinder & Drew’s departure will throw Slater off his game, like when a guy leaves a band to pursue a single career and how that never works. The David Lee Roth reference is right there, but does he use it? In a word, No.
We do, however, get a fantastically goofy air guitar sequence by Gabriel. As I watch that, I just think WWE may as well take all the buried undercard guys and put them in 3MB. Make them like a marching band or something.
Bring in Archibald Peck, and I’d never leave my TV set.
Off to commercial, and we get this again:
Ok, I thought maybe the definition of that changed since I was younger, so off to Google I went. The first image to pop up?
So yeah, I guess not. On the plus side, Natalya’s not around to lend support to this.
That guy/gal in the pic does kinda look like her though. I’d Photoshop that together, but Nattie seems like she’s had enough abuse without me piling on too.
Back from our flatulence break, we get Heath Slater with our weekly Don’t Try This. He tells us that he’s thrilled that everyone wants to play air guitar like him, so yeah, you can do that. So I guess this is a DO Try This spot.
Still, I am confused. Am I allowed to try this while putting someone in a goofy arm bar?
I’d ask for clarification on this, but Slater looks like he’s having the time of his life. Good for him. Too often I watch Raw and see guys that look like they’d seriously rather be anywhere else on planet earth. Slater always looks like he’s never had more fun in his life. That’s great, and we need more guys like that.
Doesn’t help him from losing to Gabriel’s 450 splash, but whatever. I’d much rather have fun and lose every match than be miserable. Who’s with me?
Off to our main event we go, with Sheamus battling Cody Rhodes. Yet another reason this show isn’t as fun as it used to be is the lack of the weekly Spotlights we used to get. I mean, come on, you can’t spend 90 seconds on this?
What’s happened to you, WWE? That’s easy material right there.
And what on earth happened to Sheamus’ chest? That is a pretty serious slice job there. Kinda looks like the dude from “Arrow”. (If Katie Cassidy shows up, this show may never leave my DVR.) I also appreciate the giant head behind him. No idea who it is. I’m sure it’s someone ‘famous’, but I’d prefer to think it’s just some guy in the stands who made a big graphic of his own head just to appear on TV. And if that’s the case, I want to see thousands of those come WrestleMania.
Josh and Dolph discuss being “Dudes with Attitudes”, which makes me question if they have membership cards like Blade Braxton does. I search through my archives for that photo, can’t find it. But I know it exists. A Google search results in no such cards, but does result in this:
Yowzers. I don’t even know where to start with that one, other than to suggest y’all hustle over here and see the Best and Worst of WCW Publicity Shots. There are some doozies in there. Nice work, guys.
This match gets going, and Josh informs us that Cody was a spelling bee champion in grade school. Again, how WWE misses giving us a spotlight on this, so all you get is this audio clip. A travesty that is.
We get Sheamus grabbing Cody’s moustache, and a short-arm scissors in our flashback move of the week. Sadly, we don’t get Sheamus pulling a Bob Backlund to get out of it. Come on, again, it was RIGHT THERE. Bob, I know you read this, so make sure you mention that to these guys when you see them HOF night.
White Noise gets the win. Too bad, I was hoping for the Random Crowd Shot Kick.
I was going to end this report by ranting and raving about the lack of goofiness on display this week (it was Valentine’s Day, how on earth could you skimp on that???), but we did learn about Cody’s Spelling Bee heroism. Plus it led to a WCW Chiquita reference, and Archibald Peck made a cameo.
That’s a win, whether WWE feels like contributing or no.