Ah, what better way to spend my birthday than with SATURDAY MORNING SLAM! Yeah, this is how me, RD Jr., and all my Facebook friends spend 30 minutes each week, even if it is a special occasion where we should be doing something, really ANYTHING, else. But hey, let’s see what kinda present Vince McMahon is sending me this year.
Now if you’ve been playing along (and by that I mean you read my first SMS report), you will recall that at the end of last week’s show, Damien Sandow was explaining to us that while you should be embarrassed for owning a television, he would grace us with an appearance. Randy Orton came up and asked him what RKO spelled, to which Sandow (and RD Jr.!) noted “That spells nothing.”
So yeah, that’s our main event this week…and apparently it starts RIGHT NOW. I ask RD Jr. who he thinks is going to win, and no answer…but INTENSE concentration on the screen. We probably shouldn’t have just watched Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat on Classics on Demand; I somehow doubt this will quite live up to what we just saw from the Boston Gardens. But here goes!
And not off to a good start, as we get Josh and Booker again on commentary. I wonder if that’s a permanent change. If so, BOOOOOOOO!!!! I like Booker and all, but Santino needs to be on here, especially for my birthday. As soon as I type that, Booker again says something about this evening’s action…moments after Josh says, “Good MORNING, everyone!”
Booker does redeem himself somewhat to me, though, by noting, “There’s nothing intellectual about Randy Orton.” Pretty sure he meant that as a compliment, believe it or not.
A bit of back and forth, slow old-school house match stuff starts us out. Orton knocks Sandow out of the ring and off to…KOFI KINGSTON we go!
I thought it was going to be a Don’t Try This promo, but in a swerve, it is a BE A STAR promo.
Kofi explains to us that when he was a kid, the other children made fun of him. “They called me Coffee,” he explains. Further, he notes that he should have gone to someone and explained they were bullying him. And he’s right. He should have told his teachers, “Excuse me, there are these kids are trying to make fun of me, but too dumb to do it right. I mean, seriously, COFFEE. That’s stupid, and I’m only 10. Can you help them out with a better insult?”
You know, WWE should do this exact same type of promo with everyone of their performers, “names they were called when they were kids.” That way we would know what to chat at them for heel turns.
Back to the arena we go, and for some reason, the first thing I notice is that Damien has purple underwear under his pink tights. I wish I hadn’t noticed that, and I am not sure why, precisely, I did. I will say, however, that it is dedication to his craft.
We get some more brawling as Josh explains the background of both men, including that Sandow was the captain of his high school’s water polo team.
WATER POLO TEAM.
Booker wants to know what high school that was. Me too. And where’s the photos of that? This really cries out for a dramatic recreation on this show. Actually dramatic anything would be good here, as this match is pretty boring. I know, shocking that Randy Orton isn’t very motivated here on Saturday Morning Slam.
Still, he does give Sandow what appears to be a very vicious back suplex onto the ringside barrier. I say “appears” because we don’t actually see it. The announcers do a good job selling it, though – just check out Book’s mug.
Off to commercial we go AGAIN, and when we come back we get our Don’t Try This at Home, this time with Kaitlyn! They show her jumping and posing, so please, everyone, you are no longer to do that. Sadly, they don’t say anything about dressing up as a penguin, so let’s do a Saturday Morning Slam FLASHBACK!
This would be from the fantastically fantastic pre-Halloween 2012 edition of the show, in which Kaitlyn decided to show all the kids how to make their OWN Halloween outfit. “The penguin,” she notes, “is like nature’s tuxedo.“
Let’s commence with the FUN!
Step 1: Find a black tank top, some sweat pants, and orange socks!
Step 2: Run around the house and hope you can find all this crap!
Step 3: Ruin clothes thusly!
Really, she’s not kidding!
Step 4: Adhere those feathers!
If you don’t have tape, rubber cement will do!
Step 5: Break out the Sharpies and draw a beak on your face!
Step 6: Brush orange paint all over your face. Dad may have some spray paint in the garage if you’re lucky, it’ll make this step a LOT faster!
You know, I was never a big Kaitlyn fan, but ever since I saw this, she is now my all-time favorite Diva. Sorry, Trish, but you never dressed up like a penguin.
Do I REALLY need to go back to that stupid Orton match? I do?
Randy wins with the RCS: Random Commentator Shot. That was a staple of Hackenschmidt’s arsenal in his later years.
See Justin, I didn’t steal your joke. I stole BOTH of them.
So the crowd’s all cheering and that.
RD Jr.: “Everyone’s happy…except me.”
Me: “Why? Did you want Sandow to win?”
RD Jr.: “Yes.”
Awesome…my son is already a heel!