I may not have personally reviewed the initial offering of Legends’ House last week (it was covered by the very great Art 0′Donnell), but I did watch it and do a thread over on my Facebook page. I urge you to join us, as when I am tasked to review the show, I will be using some of my favorite quotes in the articles here at WrestleCrap.com. During the 45 minutes or whatever the show lasted, I came to a shocking conclusion: the thread was far more interesting than the show. Also, I didn’t believe a single word anyone on the show said. So much so that I found myself doubting if Hillbilly Jim’s name was actually Hillbilly Jim. Will things improve this week?
And more importantly, will the legends finally get to eat Pat Patterson’s cabbage rolls?
ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!
As we last left our legends, Roddy Piper decided he could take no more in the house and went outside to stare at the moon. If Piper turns out to be a werewolf, this will be the greatest show of all time. Sadly, that’s not the case as Roddy comes back “home”, noting the place is like being in Alcatraz.
Dear God no…I already inducted that, and it was horrible. And honestly, I can only remember one thing about it, that being this image:
If I see something like that this week, sorry, I’m out of the Legends’ House recapping business.
The next morning (I think, it’s impossible to ever tell what time it is on this show), the house is being cleaned and we are greeted by everyone snoring. Everyone save Hillbilly Jim, who sounds like a dinosaur. Oh, and we also learn that he sleeps in the nude, which is something I never, ever needed to know.
But hey, if I had to learn it, you do too.
For the record, I should also note that I am very thankful I don’t have a bedroom wherein a giant picture of myself stares down on me while I attempt to sleep.
As Hillbilly and the maid share awkward glances, Tony Atlas explains to us that one of his passions is drawing, and how art is like going into a jacuzzi. Um, yeah.
We then get a recap of the rather baffling storyline from last week where Tony and Duggan have heat because Tony works with underprivileged children. I guess Duggan feels that you should work with your own kids first or something. Let’s just simplify it that Hacksaw hates all children but his own.
That’s my theory, tough guy!
Non-Tranny Ashley shows up. “I’m here with some exciting news!” she beams. “You’ve been invited by the El Dorado Polo Club to play a match! How does that sound?” Only one answer for that: COMPLETELY CONTRIVED! So Duggan and Hillbilly captain the teams, and the two pick different members as Tony explains how he is scared to death of horses. You could say he is horseafied.
HORSEAFIED, I say!
Sorry, I’ll show myself to the door.
Anyway, Tony, channeling his inner WCW Terry Funk, notes: “I’m gonna knock that f***ing horse out!”
Sadly we are deprived of a Blazing Saddles reenactment as the match will be contested via golf carts instead, prompting Mrs. Deal (yes, she’s watching believe it or not) to quip, “I hope Tony doesn’t punch out the golf cart.”
Love that woman.
So this goes on for approximately 13 hours, with virtually nothing of note happening, other than Gene repeatedly yelling, “HE STOLE MY GIMMICK” over and over and over and over and over again.
Nowhere near that entertaining, Brian.
Finally, we get to the end of the match, and it’s all tied up, 2-2. Yay! Everyone’s a winner! Wait, what? Sudden death? This stupid thing wasn’t long enough??!! And what’s this, we’re getting a clip of Gene wrestling in WCW? Whaaaa? At least the company was kind enough to spare us a Mark Madden sighting, which is a plus not just so we don’t have to see him, but also so I don’t have to ridicule him once again and then him send me hate mail like he did years ago when I inducted him for being an untalented blob.
At least when Oscar had heat with me, we had a good laugh about it years later.
Just look at him. It sure doesn’t look like he wants to punch me right in the face, does it?
Naturally, when you fail in some contrived contest on a ‘reality’ show, there are consequences, so Hillbilly and his loser cronies are informed that they have to shovel horse stables, clearing out manure and all that jazz. If David Von Erich, Jimmy Garvin, and Sunshine show up Vince McMahon has my permission to charge me $1,000,000 a month for my Network subscription.
Instead, we get Tony Atlas talking to a horse, and making up with him, telling it he no longer wanted to punch it. “One day, I’d like to ride you,” he says with what may be a tear in his eye. He further explains that the horse is looking at him in a manner that says, and I am quoting here, “Go f*** yourself.”
Sadly, Tony doesn’t say “f-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk.”
And poor Tony - everyone on the show complains about how he goes on and on about nothing, forcing them to walk away mid-sentence. We are given examples of this including Mr. USA telling us how the original movie of Frankenstein (a foreign film) featuring a game of chess (hopefully between the doctor and his monster, complete with a Jacob’s ladder style timer) and then regales us with a tale of how Ted Turner and George Washington Carver had different opinions on peanuts.
Sadly this conversation is cut way, WAY too short. I’ll be holding out hope this gets a DVD release with deleted scenes where we find out more of this peanut debate between these two American icons.
Non-Tranny Ashley shows back up, and asks the guys if they’d like to get out of the house and get some exercise. This leads us to a ZUMBA training seminar with a bunch of women who weren’t exactly plain, but weren’t hot either. They were just kinda there. No hilarity ensues, other than Gene and Pat quitting approximately 3 seconds into the workout. Someone get Scott Steiner on the line, this show needs help.
And…nothing much else happens at the gym, other than Gene blurting out his catch phrase that he blurts out at least three times a show. No joke, I think DX in their prime didn’t tell us to “suck it” as much as Gene babbles on and on about “holy balls”.
I’d be totally down with “Bowling balls” being the next swear word that sweeps the nation.
So they get back to the house, and are debating what they should have for dinner, with the quandary being that all the meat they have is frozen. Somehow this qualifies as drama on this show. It doesn’t affect Jimmy Hart, however, who eats a baked potato and a can of beans. No wonder he’s so skinny.
And yeah, minutes of my life are spent watching this as they all debate how to cook a meal, with no one actually COOKING a meal. Amazing no real network wanted to pick this up. Maybe if they’d scrapped the name “Legends House” in favor of “Aborted Meals With Old Wrestlers.” I could completely see that on Food Network right after “Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives.”
Finally, Tony Atlas, the dumb guy everyone was making fun of earlier, decides to grill some chicken. This makes everyone happy.
Everyone except Jim Ross, that is, as they use a bottle of Sweet Baby Ray’s with a LEGENDS HOUSE logo label slapped over it. I should note they do that with any brands on this show. Thus far, we’ve seen Legends House Cola, Legends House Potato Chips, and the aforementioned BBQ sauce. Everyone, please guess the total number of Legends House products we get for the show’s run. Closest gets their choice of an archive login or a WrestleCrap book. Gotta do something to make this show entertaining for us!
I would also be doing a disservice if I didn’t mention Tony’s shirt.
Of course, a much larger disservice would be if I explained the shirt in relation to Tony Atlas, so I won’t.
And that’s how the show ends. With old wrestlers smiling as Tony Atlas feeds them chicken.
Right there with you, Tough Guy!