Looks like your friendly neighborhood Headlie writer has finally made it to the big time! My very first review on Wrestlecrap. Oh, how I’ve waited for this moment. Sadly those hopes were dashed when I saw this pop up on Facebook:
Admittedly, I thought this meant that Vince Russo shooting on me in the upcoming RD and Blade Episode. I was hoping we could hash out our differences over a White Castle Crave Case at some point, but alas, it was just in reference to my unceremonious task of reviewing this week’s episode of Legends’ House. And wait a minute, who gave that post a like?
What better way to usher in the “Reality Era” of WWE with a reality show? No more making up silly stories. No more wacky scenarios. No more contrived plots and ideas that go nowhere. We’re getting real feelings. Real emotions. Nothing is off limits. This is what happens when people stop being nice and start being real. This is…
This week’s episode stars with host Ashley breaking and entering the Legends’ House once again. She doesn’t have a key so either the house doesn’t have a lock or she’s just trying every door in the neighborhood until one opens.
This week the gang are forced against their will to go bowling for some reason. Because why not? Well, I suppose bowling and wrestling do have a history together. Wrestling and bowling go together like peanut butter and jelly. Like peas and carrots. Like bowling balls and wrestler’s balls.
They head to Fantasy Lanes and I genuinely feel gipped that we did not get a scene of Tony Atlas sniffing bowling shoes. That just seems like common sense. I’d also like to believe that back in the 80′s, this place was called either Dark Journey Lanes or Missy Hyatt’s Alley. That would explain why there’s so many wrestlers inside it.
The Legends are up against a group of older female bowlers named the Bowling Queens. Thankfully Pat Patterson makes a self-deprecating joke about being a Desert Queen, making my job a lot easier and much more politically correct. The Legends struggle, which is surprising considering how many WWE-related bowling items exist.
The groups are playing for a giant trophy rivaling the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal trophy in both size and meaning. Through the magic of editing and montages, in true professional wrestling, the Legends stage a valiant comeback. And from the looks of Hillbilly Jim, it was a very moist effort.
Sadly, the Legends fall just short and lose to the Bowling Queens, who are constantly referred to as the Desert Queens. Thanks, Patterson. You ruined everyone’s brain with your joke. Sadly that only took up about 9 minutes of the show, so something else had to be concocted for the other 40 minutes.
Ashley commits her second criminal act of the episode to provide more pan shots of her legs…
I mean make Mean Gene look like a creepy Looney Tunes character…
I mean give the Legends their next meaningless task. 2 teams (Team Gene and Team Piper) will be writing, filming, acting and editing a 30-second commercial for a local business. Piper’s got the acting covered. 30-seconds isn’t so bad, right? That’s 2 King Kong Bundy vs. S.D. Jones matches. Too bad there’s still 35 minutes left in the show.
Each team receives instructions on what to do next. It’s not exactly a task from The Amazing Race, but it still requires a team effort to accomplish.
The teams convene to discuss their plans. Howard Finkel says he wants to say something in Yiddish and then begins to say a prayer in Hebrew. Fink, you’re not invited to my Rosh Hashanah dinner next year.
Team Gene, consisting of Okerlund, Jimmy Hart, Pat Patterson, and Hillbilly Jim, are supposed to do a commercial for a carwash. Oh, excuse me, an “auto spa”. Sadly, we don’t get to see Hillbilly Jim slathering a Prius in mud and Jimmy Hart putting cucumber slices on the headlights on a Land Rover while Enya plays in the background. Instead we get disturbing innuendo that causes me to dry-heave harder than thinking about eating at Arby’s.
Team Piper, consisting of Piper, Hacksaw, Fink, and Tony Atlas meet Mark (perfect name for this, by the way), the owner of the company they’re going to be working for. Mark, who’s apparently dressed as vintage clothing store mannequin, goes to his van and cryptically says, “I’ve got something to show you.” If it’s severed head, I’m going to be very upset.
This is where a commercial would normally appear if any television network had been foolish enough to pick up the show. Instead it cuts right back to Team Gene at the car wash. Hilbilly Jim is dressed in his finest pajama pants and socks with sandals. The overalls don’t seem so silly now.
A check of the clock shows that there’s still 30 minutes left. 30 MINUTES! There’s some arguing and frustration among the team that moves at the speed of smell. They probably would have been better off doing a commercial for oatmeal. Made with molasses. Dipped in quicksand.
Back to the incredible cliffhanger of about 15 seconds ago, Mark reveals the terrible, horrible, no-good very bad secret that lies within his caravan of unspeakable terrors.
Phew! They’re just plastic flamingos. That could have been much, much worse.
Mark’s company, Flock O Flamingos, rents out plastic flamingos to presumably very wealthy and very stupid people. Now, the economy has gotten better recently, but this was filmed 2 years ago. I’d ask how something like that is a sustainable business, but then again, they’re appearing on Legends’ House, so clearly they’re low in the “Good Ideas” department. I mean, does anyone think that this is a good idea?
Yeah I don’t know either, dude.
Even Piper, on what looks like the set of Hee-Haw: The Next Generation, is confused by this man’s “business”.
Mark then informs us that “there’s more” and heads to his trunk. Oh no. If there’s a unicorn carcass back there, I quit.
Okay. So this human adult rents plastic flamingos and rubber duckies to other human adults. This is his life’s work. I suppose it’s better than living your life as Nicole Bass’s g-string, but still. At least Tony Atlas is happier than a kid in a Payless shoe store.
Both groups continue to butt heads because, well, they’re all buttheads. Jimmy Hart annoys every and Tony Atlas annoys everyone. Especially the viewers. But at least Tony’s got his duckies.
Boy, does he have his duckies. Or as he likes to call them his rubber duckie wuckie buckie something or other. Seems like a missed opportunity not having Booker T pop in for a little “shucky ducky quack quack” but I guess they have to save something for Season 2.
In an absolute thrilling turn of events Pat Patterson gets wet while filming and blames Jimmy Hart.
Hey, unless a megaphone or a helmet was involved, Jimmy Hart didn’t do it.
Piper’s commercial goes along normally if “normally” is Dutch for a”bsolutely monkeycrap insane”. I’ll have to double-check Google Translate. Piper himself says “It’ll probably be a good commercial to watch on acid.” Despite being part of the Straightedge Society, I think I’d tend to agree.
Things are said, feelings are hurt, both teams come together at the end. It’s like a classic tease of a tag team breaking up only to come together in the end. Except this feels like it took way longer. Where’s a hotshot angle when we need it?
During an interview about the experience, Piper said, “After many hours of trying to forget about it, it’s quite a feat. Speaking of feet, Tony Atlas is an asshole.” Bravo, Hot Rod. It makes my job so much easier when these guys make the jokes for me. Granted, I would have said something that made at least a little bit of sense, but hey, funny is funny.
To judge the competition, Ashley brings in The Commercial Kings, two hipster actors Rhett and Link. I call them hipsters, because come on. I call them actors because no one is really named Rhett or Link. The two human fedoras pick Piper’s group as the winner because their commercial is so bad and memorable. While it’s ridiculous, it’s that type of logic that has kept Wrestlecrap.com in business for over a decade. WWE does it again!
Both teams travel to Las Vegas, with Piper’s team in a limo and Gene’s team in a van. A police officer pulls over the limo giving us the second-best cliffhanger of the season. I mean, we still don’t know if they ever had the stuffed cabbages.