Didn’t think I would make it, but here we are, on the ‘series finale’ of Legends’ House. The most amazing part of this trek? It says that this is only episode 9. NINE! Each of those shows have been less than an hour.
It’s felt like over 100.
But hey, instead of making it feel even longer, let’s just dive right in and watch these guys “say goodbye” to each other, shall we?
See, I go into it with such a positive attitude, and I am greeted with that 45 seconds in.
Only one three letter interwebs abbreviation will work here, and that’s SMH.
So yeah, there’s DRAMA in Legends’ House this week, as everyone is overrun with emotion. This leads to the shots of everyone sleeping, like the one of Pat above. It also leads to Hillbilly Jim giving a bizarre soliloquy where he explains that everyone had a lot to get of their chest, that it was all very stressful, yet he couldn’t wait to see where it all went. He then pointed to the camera and smiled.
Ashley shows up and tells everyone this will be her last morning with them. Everyone acts sad. Actually, they act more than sad, as throughout this show’s run, the guys have been ogling her like she is the hottest woman to ever walk planet earth. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that jazz, but c’mon: these folks have worked with the likes of Elizabeth, Stacy Keibler, Trish Stratus, Sunny, Missy Hyatt, and more. IN THEIR PRIMES! To play the devil’s advocate, I suppose if I woke up seeing this every morning…
…I’d probably hoot and holler too. But still.
She explains that they are having a goodbye party, and that they have to perform a SONG together. Thankfully, Hillbilly and Jimmy had been working on a song for the past few weeks. What a coincidence. They all have a group hug with her in a faux emotional moment.
I say “faux”, as during it…
…Pat yanks down Howard’s pants. Yep.
Off to a steakhouse we go for what Howard calls “The Last Supper”, which reminds me of a joke a pastor told in a sermon I saw a few years back. He said before Jesus served the wine and broke the bread, Jesus told everyone to sit on one side of the table. When one of the disciples asked why, Jesus said, “If you don’t, you won’t be in the painting.” For the record, I know the Gospels in the New Testament fairly well and can find no record of said conversation.
Fast forward 2000+ years, and yeah, everyone is on one side. That’s pretty much the only similarity between the two.
The guys regale each other with their favorite happenings since they arrived. Tony says it was Gary Busey. Pat still had no idea who he was. Roddy liked the sword fighting bit, others thought the game show. Glad they didn’t ask me, I’d have said pretty much none of it. I will admit, though, that I did laugh when they showed the bit with Piper and Duggan cheating at the game by writing answers on their hands, and Duggan saying he couldn’t live without “life” when Piper’s hand said “wife.”
Discussion then turns to what is the greatest thing to ever happen to you in your life. Genes starts us off by saying it was walking through midtown New York with Piper. We are shown Piper, Orndorff, and Bob Orton pummeling someone (David Wolfe maybe?) and Gene saying he could have no more of it. I’ve watched the segment no less than six times now and have zero idea why Gene would have chosen it.
I will say that it lead me to believe that pro wrestling needs more beatings in the street in broad daylight while Roddy Piper looks on approvingly, yet does nothing.
Tony veers the ship in a completely different direction, talking instead about sleeping in a park in 1989 and how a woman (“not from this country”) dug ice from around his body and took him home. Yes, just like in “Encino Man.” Oh, and he married the woman who unearthed him. Hopefully with Stony as the best man.
Gene tells a story of how his wife gave her kidney for him since his was failing. Jimmy talks about his daughter dying. Duggan tells a story of buying a house for his wife or his mistress or his mom or someone and then flipping their car and her dying.
“Old Wrestlers Telling The World’s Most Depressing Stories”…again, I ask, how did no network pick THIS up?
Howard tells us of how he was always picked on as a kid. But his story had a happy ending, as he “proved every mother ****er wrong!” Well, yeah, except for the folks who run the company you work for that no longer lets you ring announce because, despite the very clear fact that you are without question the BEST EVER at that job, you’re too old and fat. Oh, and the guy across the table who pulled your pants down. Him too.
This leads to the big revelation of the show, wherein Pat Patterson tells us…
….are you ready for this?….
…that he is gay.
Mrs. Deal: “Even >>>>I<<<< knew that!”
In the interest of fairness, I will report the table didn’t sit in total shock, although we did get shots of Hillbilly and Howard both mouthing “Wow.” And Gene saying that Pat had a great “coming out.” Of course, now TMZ is running with the story like it’s shocking news, so whatever I guess. Maybe they can interview Mrs. Deal since she apparently had insider info.
Off to the party, Gene gets one last shot at hitting on Ashley, and he does so by fixing her The Okerlund, a cocktail consisting of about 43 ounces of vodka and 2 teaspoons of cranberry juice. We get a cutaway of Ashley noting that she believed Gene may have been trying to take advantage of her. No way. Get out.
Music is up next, as Piper plays the electronic bagpipes. Sadly, he does “Scotland the Brave” and not “La Cucaracha”. (Google it, learn some history.) Everyone gets together on stage to sing Hillbilly and Jimmy’s master opus, “The House is A Shakin'”, which details everything that has happened in the house, including Tony cooking and Howard working on a tan. I don’t want to besmirch the good names of Hillbilly Jim and Jimmy Hart, but I’m 99% certain they just ripped off “Hanging Out with My Family” from the movie “Birdemic.”
That is a sentence I don’t write every day.
And one I hope I never write again.
We also get Pat singing “My Way”, which I am guessing has TMZ now reporting was also a first.
Finally, everyone wakes up and waits for the limo to come take them away. One at a time. Somewhere, Daniel Bryan is shaking his little eco friendly head at this.
He’s not alone, as I’m also shaking my head at a limo taking away Hillbilly Jim to the airport; if ever something called for Jethro pulling up in a jalopy, it would be this occasion.
So they leave one by one, with everyone being sad. Gene notes, “It’s the ending to a great story.” Seriously, he says this with a straight face. He does have an addendum, though, adding, “Quite candidly, I can’t wait to get the f*** out of here.”
Me either, kid!
And on that note, we close up the doors to Legends’ House here at WrestleCrap.com. I’d note that I was sad about it, but honestly, I’d wind up blurting out the same thing Gene did, and I gave up swearing years ago.
Just a sec, someone just emailed me something…
Anyone got a swear jar?