Legends’ House Episode 8: Back In Pipers’ Pit

11 Submitted by on Sat, 07 June 2014, 13:00
legendshouseslide

Well, it’s been a long, slow death march, but we’re almost at the end of Legends’ House. We’ve lived, we’ve groaned, we’ve checked the run time to see how much more we have to sit through.

We’ve seen Tony Atlas make chitlins. We’ve seen Hillbilly Jim get waxed. We’ve seen Howard Finkel try to play tennis. We’ve seen Mean Gene become the living embodiment of “Bad Grandpa. Man, what a roller coaster. It’s all a rich tapestry. But you know what we haven’t seen yet? Actual comedy and actual drama! It’s a novel concept for a television show, but I think it might just work. Laughter! Yelling! Shieky baby!

This week’s slow descent into the WWE-created abyss follows up with Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s soul mate Roddy Piper make his return from signing autographs. Duggan is so excited, I’m surprised he didn’t leave a little puddle of excitement pee by the door.

Apparently, nothing has happened during Piper’s absence, so I’ll just assume the other legends were just in a state of frozen animation, waiting for Ashley to give them their next punishment, uh, I mean task.

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Thankfully, Gene crosses his legs to hide Lil’ Mean Gene. The group will be conducting a roast of Piper, who is being punished for leaving the house to make money by signing autographs. Let that be a lesson to any of you other legends looking to eek out a living! No one leaves the Legends’ House. No one.

Piper is at least a good sport about it. He even does his best Nailz impression.

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Piper looks towards the heavens and asks “How much wrong could I have done?” Oh, I don’t know.

Sadly, Ashley won’t be doing any of the roasting. I feel like she would have done “zany prop comic” really well.

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The legends’ dive face first into writing jokes with Mean Gene claiming “I really know how to take people out at the knees.” Now we know why we keep getting shots of Ashley’s legs. That’s some great foreshadowing!

The Legend’s receive some help from several comedians who foolishly thought that Legends’ House would boost their career. Hacksaw, Mean Gene, Hillbilly Jim, and Pat Patterson are pretty good. Jimmy Hart is the second coming of Dane Cook, Howard Finkel is too nice, and Tony Atlas is, well, Tony Atlas. His writing session was more emotionally uncomfortable than “Paternity Test Week” on Maury.

Piper gets to write his rebuttals and, hey, he even gets two sandwiches!

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Seriously, who is that other sandwich for? Roddy may be all out of bubble gum, but he’s still got plenty of nummies.

The legends are joined by the Iron Sheik for some reason, who may or may not know where he is. He wears an Iron Sheik shirt to conveniently let people know who he is. Probably because he just smoked his name tag.

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Rather than going through all of the jokes that the legends told, I’m going to use various reaction shots of Ashley, who looks like she’s only read about humor in textbooks.

Hillbilly Jim, Mean Gene, and Pat Patterson have some pretty good jokes, rating pretty high on the “Ashley” scale.

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“Humor? That’s the thing where I show my teeth, right?”

Though Tony Atlas showing off his hind quarters may have scarred her for life. Either that or she’s baring her fangs to show dominance.

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Human Droste Effect Iron Sheik is up next, mumbling and stumbling through what I can only assume is his order for dinner. When Pat Patterson says that someone is hard to understand, you know you’re in trouble. Of course we get the obligatory B. Brian Blair reference because sexual molestation is the height of comedy. Well, at least Ashley thought it is.

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Jimmy Hart’s bit has some backup help from the Wrestlecrap Radio crickets and Duggan is decent. Howard Finkel is painfully unfunny, so I expect to see him on the next season of of The Big Bang Theory. Even Ashley disapproves. Or she was just trying to contact her home planet.

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Even Finkel knew his material so bad, saying “The cage was spinning, but the hamster was dead.” Well that’s probably what killed the hamster, Fink. Tony Atlas, who had major reservations, manages to have a few good jokes. Of course, Piper was funny, getting in jabs on everyone. Ashley approves.

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Well that was fun. Much better than the previous ones. Overall, a pretty good episode and..wait, there’ still 13 minutes left?! Ugh.

The legends gather around for one of their final meals. Unfortunately, it turns into an awkward discussion about being more than just their gimmicks. Garey Busey would have been proud. Apparently, everyone is suddenly tense around each other, especially between Piper and Finkel. This all stemmed back from the ride to Las Vegas where Howard sat in a certain seat, drawing the ire of Hot Rod. Jeez, I hate to see what happens when someone uses Piper’s toothbrush.

Pat Patterson opens up to the rest of the group about his personal feelings, but things are kept just vague enough that you have to be well-versed in backstage wrestling knowledge to know what was going on. Of course, I’m talking about Pat’s cabbage rolls never being finished. They’re his White Whale.

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The next day, Jimmy Hart opens up to Tony Atlas, discussing the untimely death of his daughter. It was a sad and touching moment with genuine emotion rarely seen on this show. I think if Legends’ House had been more of this and less of, well, everything else, it would have been picked up by a network. It pulled back the veil of wrestling and made both Hart and Atlas a bit more human.

It was an interesting way to end a show that was about 80% comedy. And the saddest part about it? Mean Gene didn’t say “Holy balls” once. Perhaps he deferred to another Holy Balls, Pope John Balls II

popemahoney

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown. If you like horror movies, check out www.365daysofhorrormovies.blogspot.com
11 Responses to "Legends’ House Episode 8: Back In Pipers’ Pit"
  1. RD Reynolds says:

    So sad this show is almost over.

    And by sad, I mean “thrilled”.

  2. AK says:

    I still don’t understand why they got Ashley from the Pussy Cat Dolls to serve as um..whatever it is that she’s supposed to be doing. She is alright to look at sure but they could have given this a real shot of legitimacy if they just let Renee Paquette (Young) as the non Legend House participant.

    She’s proven to be all kinds of excellent. I realize doing this show would probably be beneath her but she’s a pro and would make the show tolerable.

    • Rocko says:

      Show filmed 2 years ago.

      Young signed in October 2012.

      That is why. They were either almost done or done by the time they signed her.

  3. Vealchop says:

    If I ever get into the Wrestlecrap fantasy football league my team is going to be Pat Patterson’s Cabbage Rolls.

  4. Andy says:

    I met Jimmy Hart at an autograph signing at what had to be two months after all this was filmed. A heck of a nice guy that was totally upbeat. I have no idea how anyone could remain so positive after losing a child.

  5. Guilty Party says:

    I have to confess… I have thoroughly enjoyed Legends’ House. In a kitschy black velvet painting of. Sad clown kind of way.

  6. Stephen says:

    “Howard Finkel is painfully unfunny, so I expect to see him on the next season of of The Big Bang Theory.”

    Jordan, you NEED to start writing regular inductions for the site! I laughed for about five minutes at this line.

  7. Mister Forth says:

    Roddy & Atlas killed. Ashley photos 3 & 5 look creepy. Jimmy & Patterson open up emotionally. Surprisingly good.

  8. Frankie Martinez says:

    Do you guys know why the ” cabbage rolls ” subplot was left unanswered ?? My theory is that nobody was going to touch it with Pat’s hand looking dirty, and worst of all, with a filthy bandage !!! But I’d rather taste those cabbge rolls than eat Tony Atlas’ “shitlins”…that guy is a vulture….a vulture, I say !!!

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