Legends’ House episode 7: “Heartbreak Hotel”

8 Submitted by on Sat, 31 May 2014, 12:00

It’s time for another Legends’ House recap, and boy is it hard to believe this show is only on its seventh episode. I could have sworn the Legends moved into the house two whole years ago!

The seventh episode opened with the Legends eating breakfast at a restaurant. Mean Gene, savvy to the reality TV genre, suspected that there is some kind of swerve in the making. The swerve was, there was no swerve, and boy was Gene mad! What Gene forgot is that for every mundane situation the Legends are put in that results in some kind of contrived challenge, they’re thrown into another mundane situation where nothing interesting at all happens. See last week’s day at the spa. lh7-1
lh06-03 As for the breakfast, I imagine Tony Atlas foot the bill.
Gene’s suspicions about the breakfast turned out to be well-founded, as the production crew had put together a game show set inside the house. At least Okerlund got another chance to ogle Ashley. lh7-3
lh7-4 Heaven help us if Gene ever finds out Ashley was in the Pussycat Dolls. Yes, the Pussycat Dolls. Mean Gene would have a field day with that one. I can hear his perverted innuendo now:

“Pussycat Doll, huh? Well she’s one doll I’d like to play with!”

If you can think of something filthier that he might say, please tell me.

The object of the game was for one partner to correctly guess the other partner’s answers, sort of like the Newlywed Game, in the same way that an Extreme Rules match is sort of like a no-holds-barred match.
lh7-5

Q: What is your partner’s sexiest shoe?

lh7-6 Hillbilly Jim had the easy task of guessing Jimmy Hart’s favorite food, which the tiny people who live inside the laugh-track machine found absolutely hysterical. In the process, Jim challenged long-time champion Tiffany for the title of “Excellence of Enunciation.”
Howard Finkel had to answer the question, “What is Pat Patterson’s favorite thing to eat?” At this point, I was cursing my promise not to make any gay jokes about Pat in these recaps. Pat’s real answer was — I am not making this up — cabbage rolls. lh1-52
lh7-8 The Godfather of Sole had to guess Mean Gene’s favorite thing to wear to bed, answering “boxers.” Presumably, this was Tony’s second guess, as he couldn’t fit “those form-fitting checkered socks with the tight elastic and the hole on the left big toe and threadbare spots on the heels” onto his card.
Hacksaw and Roddy Piper blatantly cheated, with Hacksaw telling Roddy his answers beforehand. lh7-9
lh7-10 I can’t help but think about the last time WWE ripped off the Newlywed Game, which was NXT season 4, when Daniel Bryan and rookie Justin Derrick Bateman (aka Ethan Carter III) conspired beforehand to always give the same answers.
Your partner’s favorite thing to eat? Hacksaw said pot roast… lh7-11
lh7-12 …but Daniel Bryan said, “home cooking from Tulsa, Oklahoma.”
The employee your partner needs the most? Roddy said, “personal assistant”… lh7-13
lh7-14 …but Bryan said, “a personal trainer like Steve Blackman!”
The cheating nearly won the duo the game, but blew it in the final round, when Roddy had to guess what Jim couldn’t live without (and no, it wasn’t an electronic dildo). lh7-15
lh7-16 Piper told Hacksaw to say, “wife,” but Duggan answered that he couldn’t live without “life,” a communication error unmatched since Principal Skinner chalked up his mafia-inflicted injury to a “boaking accident.”
Speaking of boaking, Shawn Michaels showed up and took everyone to the lake to fish. lh7-17
lh7-18 lh7-18.1 But before that, Jims Hillbilly and Hart celebrated by auditioning for the next WWE-Scooby Doo film….
…then enjoyed a tennis lesson, their prize for winning the game show. Mean Gene, of course, was on hand to lear at the instructors, both at least forty. It’s an advanced age indeed that allows a man to use the words, “young ladies” and “cougar” in the same sentence, but that didn’t stop Gene from gushing over them like he’s been in prison for thirty years and it’s his first time seeing a woman again. lh7-19
lh7-20 Gene later seemed — no joke — to fantasize about getting a hand job from Pat Patterson, so maybe he had been in prison for a spell.
Fortunately, no such shenanigans were forthcoming when the guys got out on the lake with HBK. lh7-21
lh7-22 Afterwards, Mean Gene and Hillbilly Jim helped cook up a fish dinner, while Jimmy Hart dropped his glasses into the oven and managed to rattle off eleven expletives in 20 seconds.
Then they all ate some fish, and that was a wrap. lh7-00
lh7-24 There were so many missed opportunities on this episode. Case in point: we briefly saw that Hacksaw and Roddy had divided their room in half like on a wacky sitcom, but there was no explanation offered, nor any footage of the outrageous misadventures that surely followed.
Another oddity? The selective way they censored brand names and logos. At dinnertime, we sawLegends’ House rum and Legends’ House Diet Coke. lh7-25
lh7-26 On the boat, though, we clearly saw Snyder’s pretzels.
And last episode, the guys drank Legends’ House Zero… lh7-27
lh7-28 …while Marlboro of all things got product placement.

And since this show has a habit of presenting both non sequiturs and anti-climactic endings, here are some assorted pictures from this episode.

lh7-99 lh7-97 lh7-98 lh7-96

Written by

A wrestling fan ever since the days of Wrestlemania IX, Art graduated from college in the same building where Art Donovan called King of the Ring 1994. He currently runs the "How Much Does This Guy Weigh?" blog, where he reviews New Generation-Era Monday Night Raws and Hasbro WWF figures. Email at: art@wrestlecrap.com
8 Responses to "Legends’ House episode 7: “Heartbreak Hotel”"
  1. Emerson Witner says:

    It’s Derrick Bateman, damnit!

  2. Walter Kovacs says:

    You left out the best part. Hacksaw’s complete breakdown at Roddy leaving the house.

  3. John C says:

    Mean Gene thought bubble: “I sure hope Tony massages my chiterlings, they’re feeling a bit testy. Too bad both Moolah & Mae Young are gone then we’d have some real Pussy…cat Dolls.”

  4. BaltoJim says:

    On the next episode of WWE Legends’ House, the other Legends take Mean Gene to the vet to get him neutered when he won’t quit rubbing himself up against Ashley’s legs, purring and saying “Meow!”

  5. Time Lord Soundwave says:

    Goddamn! Jimmy Hart is the Potty Mouth of the South.

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