So I watched Legends House this week with the standard vitriol I generally do. I won’t lie: I am not a fan of this show. It’s weird – I feel like I SHOULD like it. I love classic wrestling, like most of the guys…yet every week I feel stupider having watched it.
I will say this however: I watched Impact this week, and Legends Hours is so much better it’s kinda scary. I mean, in comparison, Legends House is Prime Time with Heenan and Monsoon. What a disaster that show has become. I never, ever turn off a wrestling show just because I feel like I can no longer take it, but the stuff with Sam Shaw and Gunner at the nuthouse was too much for even me. And I’m the guy who’s spent 14 years running WRESTLECRAP.COM. Here’s hoping they bring Knux, Rebel, and the rest of the Clown Show back next week.
At least that’s comically horrible instead of just, well, horrible horrible.
But hey, we’re talking horrible, so let’s dive into Legends’ House!
The show this week starts off with a refresher of last week’s events, in which Tony Atlas tried to make peace with everyone. Sadly, he did this with assorted pig parts, including entrails and alleged penises, that no one wanted to eat. So now we get the clean up of that mess, and I mean that in a literal sense as Jimmy and Tony are cleaning out the fridge as Gene talks about how horrible everything smells. Tony, for some reason, uses this time to tell us that he’s an extremist: he’s either completely nice or completely horrible. Hey, as long as the dude mentions “extreme” and does not bring up The Abraham Washington Show, I don’t care if Dr. Heckyl or Mr. Atlas shows up.
SPEAKING OF SHOWING UP…
…some dude with a mask that Leon White rejected and the guy who’s now shilling the Steak & Shake $4 Menu arrive. I have no earthly idea who the normal looking guy is in the middle. Howard Finkel notes that he thought they may be insane, but he was intrigued.
“Howard Finkel: Intrigued” would make for good network fodder. Hear me out. It would be a show in which something ever so slightly out of the normal would happen in the Fink’s presence. For instance, he’d be getting gas at the local BP station, and see that there is a fish fry coming to the church across the street next week. Cut to Howard noting he is intrigued.
Ok, that idea kinda sucked. And by “kinda”, I mean “completely”. Still, it doesn’t involve Tony Atlas, his foot fetish, his wayward tongue, and threats to masturbate into a shoe, which is what we get when the Renaissance Faire rejects tell them that Ashley has been kidnapped.
The guys head outside the house and come to a folding table with various weaponry upon it, each designed with their characters in mind. For instance, Jimmy gets the Hammer of Hart, in which he can yell “fear” and cause his enemies to flee. Gene gets a staff that looks, in his own words, “surprisingly like my penis.” Ok, I just wrote that to see if you were paying attention. He said it looked like a microphone. Duggan gets a 2×4 as they call him “King Doogan” much to his chagrin, causing Jim to growl, “It’s Duggan, with TWO G’s!!!!”
The “best” is saved for last, as Piper gets what, as best I can tell, is called, and I am just quoting here, “THE RODDY RAPE SWORD.”
I have no idea what those four words merged together mean, but I am horrified.
And in case you don’t believe me, here, give it a listen.
Oh, he said “rape sword” alright, Emerson. People saying “Ouch” and “He shouldn’t have that” following the term confirm that is precisely what the man said.
They get more rules, including the novel concept that you are not allowed to hit below the belt. “This is going to be so corny it might kill my career,” laments Piper. Dude, you signed on for Legends House. I think you gave up any notion of having an actual career. Meanwhile, Mrs. Deal tells me that “this show is amazing – they’ve figured out how to make larping even LESS cool.”
To the costume shop we go next, as the guys get to pick out whatever get up they want to don. Piper gets a kilt, Duggan gets a horn helmet, and Jimmy Hart dresses up as Elvis for some reason. Pat Patterson becomes a 1970s pimp, which somehow leads to clips of his Evening Gown Match with Gerald Brisco. Thanks, I’d just about been able to erase that from my brain. Meanwhile, Tony gets made up as the second coming of Farooq Asad, sadly lacking the blue nerf helmet.
That would have been good, too.
Finally, we get to the battlefield, and Piper gives his battle cry: “Let’s go save the bitch!” Ok, have to admit, I did laugh at that. An evil warlock comes over a small hill with Ashley in tow. This leads to a cut away wherein she notes that she was dressed as a princess, tied up, and knew this was all pretend, but it actually felt real.
Please look at this visual I present to you below.
Yes, she said THIS FELT REAL.
I know I mentioned it last week but it bears repeating: this girl has to be part carnie. Kudos to the Legends House casting crew for finding her.
The battle begins, and it goes on and on and on and on. Seriously, this had to have lasted at least 10 minutes, and that 10 minutes felt like 10 hours that somehow felt like 10 days that felt like 10 years. And honestly, all I got out of it was the fact that Scott Steiner has aged terribly.
Oh wait, that’s Hillbilly Jim. My bad.
Still, with the announcement of season two of this show, they could do way worse than having Big Poppa Pump be a regular. I could buy tension with him and well, anyone, over this BS with Duggan and Atlas.
So they save Ashley and everyone talks about how great they did. Except for Jimmy Hart who ran away yet somehow cut his leg open. Oh, and Pat notes that his “nuts are f***ing killing me.” Oof. If I’ve done anything to make any of this sound remotely interesting, I’ve done everyone a huge disservice.
Back to the house we go, and Tony is cooking again, this time meatloaf, which seems to be acceptable to everyone. Except Jimmy, naturally, who retreats to the comfort of cheese and crackers.
Howard also makes margaritas, which Gene thinks are…well, just listen.
You know, at the next investors call, Vince should announce “Howard Finkel: Dog S*** Margarita Maker” will be coming to the Network. Maybe that will help the cause.
The following morning we are greeted with sunshine…in Hillbilly Jim’s upside down crotch. Never have I been so sad that John Denver is dead, because that sounds like a premise for a song he could have penned. Anyway, Jim tells us that happiness is infectious, so he always tries to keep a good attitude. This is actually great advice, and something I try to follow in my day to day living. That said, I’ve never needed someone to film me doing the splits upside down to get the point across.
The last 15 minutes of the show are the guys going to a spa to get a massage. Absolutely nothing of note happens, other than Gene trying to get one of the masseuses to give him a full “and I mean FULL!!!!” body massage.
Sadly for Gene, but thankfully for us, this does not happen.
Yep. Sure does.
Show ends with the guys drinking tea at a cafe right outside the spa. And that’s it.
And with that, I leave you again with this: no real network picked up this show, which featured old wrestlers getting pedicures.