Coming Thanksgiving Night, November 28: The WrestleCrap Survivor Series!

65 Submitted by on Fri, 15 November 2013, 16:10

(Assistance with graphics provided by the wonderful and talented Catherine Perez)

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This Thanksgiving, after you’ve split the wishbone, settle in with the family and check out the superstars of WrestleCrap in a traditional Survivor Series event!

Teams of four enter the squared circle, and battle it out in the ultimate test of survival!

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The WWE gimmick department comes under fire in this extraordinary encounter! On one team, a quartet of stars that would require sensitivity training for one Vincent K McMahon! Across the ring, four talented grapplers with Hall-of-Fame careers. Of course, none of that means anything, when the aforementioned McMahon is marketing his product towards dullards and kids (sometimes, they’re the same person)! It’s sure to tear the roof off the Richfield Coliseum!

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In addition, a battle of mind and body will take place. The Four Faces of Shaw represent the depths one good man had to sink in his career, playing no less than four WrestleCrap inductees! They will clash with four individually-unlucky souls whose claims to fame can be twisted into a penile pun! At least the Gobbeldy Gooker is back at Survivor Series, where he belongs!

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It’s Vin-sanity, as wrestling’s most notable Vinces see their most mind-boggling atrocities go toe to toe! Vince McMahon’s brush with a mental breakdown in the mid-1990s churned out some regrettable characters, while Vince Russo made 2000 a banner year for WCW, for all the wrong reasons!

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When somebody tries to compete with Vince McMahon, thinking outside the box sometimes proves hazardous! For Dixie Carter, and the bundle of buffoons that ran early-1990s WCW, this isn’t more evident than the foursomes representing each group here! Paring each team down from 40 or 50 folks to just four on each team is more grueling than the match could ever wish to be!

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In the main event, WrestleCrap is represented by four of its dorkiest dregs (with Midnight Rose subbing for the ‘injured’ Blade Braxton) against their most insidious challenge yet: a wrestling conglomerate that can put out the crappiest of crap, and nothing can stop them, as they’re virtually the only game in town! Morose meme-ster Justin Henry will have his hands full with arch-nemesis The Miz, while Art O’Donnell and captain RD Reynolds leave their foes with the threat, “Accept induction, or die fighting!”

After the pumpkin pie and pumpkin bread are served, save some WrestleCrap Survivor Series for your turkey day dessert!

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
65 Responses to "Coming Thanksgiving Night, November 28: The WrestleCrap Survivor Series!"
  1. GoodGriefComics says:

    How much does Team Wrestlecrap weigh?

  2. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    Is it bad that I’d much rather pay $50.00US to see this than the actual Survivor Series?

  3. James S says:

    Ok, if this was a real thing, I would so be buying it :)

  4. Jeremy says:

    I hope there’s a Round of Survival match at the end like in 1990 so Hornswoggle and Cheatum can both disappear and never return.

  5. s1mon86 says:

    I don’t know what will be more physical, this or the Ravens vs. Steelers game. I will need two tvs to watch both. My money is on Cole changing gimmicks 5 times during the match

  6. Arriba McIntyre says:

    Someone should make sure to get The Ding-Dongs on reserve should any “unfortunate backstage incidents” occur to Terry Taylor and the Gooker.

  7. Raging_Demons says:

    Can Team Wrestlecrap be escorted to the ring by Team Wrestlecrapradio.com?

  8. Rose Harmon says:

    Very well thought-out, Justin!

  9. Caveman says:

    Will this be simulated in some sort of wrestling game and streamed here on the site? I’d love to see it!

    And I’d like to see the Royal Wrestlecrap Rumble, too!

    Also, I think El Matador Tinto Santana will turn and help his illegitimate sons Los Matadores (from semen donations financed Matador school with no less!) win the match or vice versa?

    • Caveman says:

      Also, it would be nice if Cocks & Dicks would be accompanied to the ring by Balls Mahoney and possibly Eightball to give the team some balls.

  10. Peter says:

    The sad part of reading the “Cocks and Dicks” team is that I thought of 3 more guys who could fill in if need be: The Dicks and Big Dick Johnson. Very sad indeed.

  11. Raven7309 says:

    “Needless Repackaging”. If there was an ever more appropriate name four those four legends, I’m stumped. I just hope they enter the ring to “Steven” Regal’s: “Man’s Man” theme music.

  12. Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' says:

    Hey…what’s in that egg?

  13. DOC 902714 says:

    Or what about Jason and Jered, The Dicks, short-lived Smackdown tag team managed by Simon Dean

  14. Dave says:

    It always kind of bugs me to see Vince and the WWF being blamed for Kamala’s character. For one, Kamala first appeared in Memphis a few years before he hit the WWF. For another, Kamala was not Wrestlecrap–at least not the heel version, which was an awesome character.

    • Justin Henry says:

      I give Vince no ‘blame’ for Kamala, and I always found the character amusing. I just figured since RD likes him so much, he was worth inclusion.

      • Dave says:

        But it says “…a quartet of stars that would require sensitivity training for one Vincent K McMahon!” That sounds like you’re blaming Vinnie Mac, doesn’t it?

  15. Jason says:

    “Of course, none of that means anything, when the aforementioned McMahon is marketing his product towards dullards and kids (sometimes, they’re the same person)”

    dullards? Uncool pal.

    Seriously, how long have you been a part of this site? I’ve only noticed you since the redesign and frankly since then the humor has shifted in a bad way. It’s gone from all in good fun to jerky insult comic

    • Justin Henry says:

      tsk tsk tsk, nitpickers. But they’re a demographic too…..

      • Peter says:

        I think Jason has a fair point, that was a bit too far. Nothing wrong with constructive criticism.

        • Justin Henry says:

          When I say “dullard”, I mean that Vince markets his product more toward the lowest common denominator, those more likely to part ways with their money. You know, the rubes.

          Anyone who can’t see that, Jesus Christ…..

          • Peter says:

            Yeah, and you called kids dullards too. Was that necessary? No. But, clearly you have a problem with anyone who disagrees with you or offers up some criticism so I guess “anyone who can’t see that” is a dullard too.

            • Justin Henry says:

              technically, kids ARE dullards in the world of marketing, because they buy into the company line without nitpicking, which was my point. I was the ‘dullard’ at age 7 who’d rather watch an Ultimate Warrior squash than the Harts vs. The Rockers, although my tastes changed over the years.

              If you have a problem with me using a harsher term than this website is used to (bearing in mind that RD once referred to Eric Bischoff as “Count Fagula”), then by all means, seek your merriment elsewhere. Your need to feel comfortable does not outweigh the author’s choice of bluntness.

              If you think you can do better, get a site on WordPress. Otherwise, just roll with what I and others write, and let it be.

              • Peter says:

                I’m pretty sure that’s just a kid being a kid, but okay then if you say so.

                I love this website, but it’s not perfect. Everytime someone offers up some kind of criticism though there’s an attitude about it. Some critiques are unfair, some aren’t but they’re both met with the same kind of rude “Like it or get the fuck out” mentality.

                And the whole ” if you think you can do better”… come on. I like to read, just like others do on here. Without us you’d be talking to yourself.

                And AIWL? The IWC is too small.

            • Justin Henry says:

              and on a final note, don’t make me sic Ledbetter and Drop Top on you :-)

            • Drew says:

              He said “dullards and kids.” The same way I can say “firetrucks and carpet stain remover.”

  16. Peter says:

    Somewhere in there, there has to be a special appearance by Don…Don Mason. It would make an already stacked card even better.

  17. Hendu says:

    I would pay to see this show in person, just to see Rose deck Cole with a shake weight!

  18. Fraser Buchanan says:

    Justin, I don’t think you should be involved in the final match of the evening. While your contributions to the site are funny and frequent, having you write and compete simultaneously breaks kayfabe for me. Yes, wrestling comedy is still real to me damnit! Maybe you can pull the traditional last-minute unannounced Survivor Series replacement competitor card? It wouldn’t be a WrestleCrap Survivor Series without one.

  19. Addison says:

    This was great!

  20. Craig says:

    I question the inclusion of Muckan Singh in the Four Faces of Shaw. Yes Bastian Booger, Friar Ferguson and any variation of Norman the Lunatic was Wrestlecrap but Muckan was actually an awesome character.

  21. George from Dudleyville, NY says:

    How great is it that the team of “McMahons Mishaps” all had decent exposure or pushes. Nothing spectacular but Duke vs HHH, Dr. Issac vs Bret Hart, Mauntar vs Adam Bomb. The Portugese Man-O-War at least gained some experience and made some powerful friends. The Kliq parties had to be worth it.

  22. Sean O says:

    So is this gonna be a thing?

  23. James S says:

    I want to see a showdown between Chatum and Hornswoggle. Who’s lamer would be the question answered.

  24. John says:

    I just wish Bad News Brown could have made a team so he could do his traditional get mad at his partners and walk away routine.

    How about an all mascot Survivor Series matchup: Team 1=Matilda, The Komodo Dragon, Frankie & Pepper vs Damian, The Harlem Sewer Rats, The Kennel from Hell’s Peeing Humping Pit Bulls & Either of the Bella Twins (surely they count as rats)

  25. Sean Bateman says:

    This event need Todd Pettingill, Stephanie Wyand, Charlie Minn and Rob Bartlett on commentary and interviewers to make this legit Wrestlecrap PPV!!!!!

  26. John says:

    And in 2 more dark matches:
    HLA vs HLA (homely looking abominations)
    “The Lesbians”, Sable & Torrie Wilson vs Giant Silva, Kurrgan, Damian DeMento & Mark Madden

    Inamimate Objects vs Wooden Objects
    Head, Rocco, Stubby & Katie Vick vs Mr. Fuji’s Cane, Sandman’s Kendo Stick, Hacksaw’s 2×4 & Linda McMahon

  27. Brad says:

    Anyone else imagine these names read by Vince McMahon at the top of his lungs to intro the PPV?

  28. Drew says:

    There’s people out there who don’t like The Miz?

    • Craig says:

      Quite a few of them actually. Not a surprise really, the man is just not that good.

      • Meh says:

        Miz is more useful to WWE than Zack Ryder is.

        Miz’s a WWE workhorse: he’s willing to do countless interviews, TV appearances, and movie roles all for WWE.

        -Miz has Psuedo pretty boy-Hollywood looks. Sure, you might say he has a duckface, but he’s sharper looking than most the roster.
        -Miz’s Personality. Some semblance of ‘being excited to actually be there’ is always present.
        -Miz’s Media work. One of the cases where what he does in the ring doesn’t quantify to his work with PR and more of the sort.
        -These days, being a go-to guy for the movie studios.

        the reason why they use The Miz so much for promotion is because he’s charismatic and “casuals” are drawn to his personality outside of the WWE.

        Ryder. He’s got no value whatsoever. He’s bland in the ring, has poor mic skills, has awful acting, a one-dimensional character, average (on a good day) ring skills, a terrible theme song and then he whines on social media about WWE misusing him as his lack of talent wasn’t enough to make it easy for WWE.

        WWE gave him what he wanted and he proved he didn’t belong. I still remember his street fight against Kane where he is suppose to be selling the storyline but instead he is just smiling/laughing to himself because he can’t act as Kane beats him up around the arena.

        Honestly between watching promos and those backstage “The List” skits, Robbie E is better than Ryder will ever be (for the record, Robbie E isn’t great himself, but the difference between the two is astounding). But Enzo Amore is better than Ryder and Robbie E combined.

        Zack Ryder is true WrestleCrap yet he still hasn’t been inducted into WrestleCrap Hall of Fame that he rightfully deserves.

  29. Dave Mitchell says:

    Do “Team Cocks and Dicks” hail from Parts Unknown?

  30. Sircheese says:

    Pretty funny stuff. It would also have been pretty hilarious if Tito Santana was on both “Subtle Stereotypes” and “Needless Repackaging,” considering that the El Matador gimmick was basically both at the same time.

  31. Edddie Mac says:

    All it needs is a Vince McMahon throat-burning promo to run down the card, and we got a classic in the making!

  32. Brad says:

    Who is on the bottom left of the TN-AWFUL team?

  33. s1mon86 says:

    whose willing to bet that Issac Yankem will stop fighting and bust out a political rant then get counted out?

  34. Caleb Davenport says:

    Who will win!?

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