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Stupid Merchandise from Over the Years
| A quick glance at my Dilbert Day Planner indicates that the month of October is once again upon us, and that can mean only one thing: ALL HALLOW'S EVE, BABY! Ah yes, the night in which you can dress up like a goof and go out begging strangers for food. Truly, is there any better night in the whole calendar year? Now if you're anything like the dorks here at WrestleCrap, when you decide it's time to play dress up, you have but one thing in mind: throwing on a leather jacket, greasing back your hair, and demanding that people call you The Fonz. Wait, scratch that. What I meant was...if you're anything like the dorks here at WrestleCrap, when you decide it's time to play dress up, you have but one thing in mind: throwing on a stupid mask, preferably an even dumber body suit, and attempting to resemble your favorite pro wrestling superstar! A quick glance at places like eBay and Highspots shows a tremendous amount of masks and other assorted costumery available to you, our fellow Crappers. In the interest of the common good, Blade Braxton and myself have examined as many of these items as we could find, and have given our two cents as to whether or not they are worth...ummm...your two cents (and trust us, some of these aren't worth a hell of a lot more than that). We didn't think things could possibly get worse, but then we opened up a contest for our fellow Crappers to submit their own outfits. Little did we know they'd be even WORSE than what we found online! Our heartfelt congratulations go out to our co-winners:
First up is James Lauritzen as Baron Von Raschke. Old SKOOL, BABY! James said he prided his outfit not only for the mispelling of the good Baron's name, but also the ridiculously oversized claw hands giant ears, and spare no expense t-shirt. We agree!
And his co-champion, Tom, who requested that we dub him the Ultimate Douchebag. The thing Blade and I liked best about this ensemble wasn't so much his dead-on representation of Master Hellwig, but rather the fact that he appears to be the only guy dressed up. This makes us believe that perhaps Tom just likes parading about in short shorts and arm streamers.
Finally, an honorable mention goes to Michael Joyeux, primarily because his tag team partner looks like the guy from Soul Man. For those of you who didn't win, don't fret - here are some crappy outfits you can wear this October 31!
RD: Here we have a fabulous DDP ensemble. I was never the biggest Dallas Page mark, but I think this might be a keeper. Not for the horrible mask or the stupid Nitro hat, oh no. Get this - according to the eBay listing, this bag o' fun comes complete with a FAUX VEST. Paypal, here I come! Blade: I think any parent that buys this outfit for their child would have to be considered a faux. Err, foe, that is.
Blade: That's not the Undertaker, that's Sigourney Weaver with a goatee. Seriously, shave the goatee, strip down to your panties, and you too can battle Slimer and other assorted Aliens this Halloween! RD: I'd really rather you not strip down to your panties.
RD: I don't know if this is Vince McMahon, or a constipated Reed Richards from the Fantastic Four. Blade: I think Vince would like to be Mr. Fantastic, as it would give him the ability to kiss his own ass 24/7. He has a nice ass, you know, one that can do tricks!
RD: You know, it's ok if a kid wants to wear dress like Rey, but please be sure he doesn't wear PINK lipstick like the mannequin head does. Blade: Rey Mysterio? That's more like Gay Mysterio. RD: Oh great, here comes the hate mail...
Blade: Is this Bret Hart? I thought it was that Rocky kid from Mask. RD: No, I think it's something far more sinister:
The Phil Collins puppet from the Land of Confusion video.
RD: Sorry kids, this is not for sale, nor is it a costume. It is, in fact, a highly scientific photograph showing what Terry Bollea would look like if tanning salons were never invented. Blade: Of if his "muscle enhancerment" (and by that, I do mean ICOPRO) supply was cut off.
RD: If I were Steve Borden, I would be expecting a phone call from Gene Simmons' lawyer at any time. Blade: And Dale Torborg, who I might note is a good looking man, is gonna be REALLY pissed.
RD: Why does Big Show have a graduation cap on? Where did he graduate from? Double Whopper U? Blade: He's MEATNORMOUS!
RD: Now here's a costume idea you don't see every day - Steve Austin as though he'd been run over by a steamroller.
Blade: I'll see your flat as a pancake Steve Austin and raise you a "NO GENITALS" Steve Austin.
RD: Is that Jericho, or the ugly chick you made out with at last year's Halloween party when you had your beer-goggles on? Blade: No, that would have been...
RD: Interesting. I didn't know when people said Sable was made of plastic that they were referring to her head.
Blade: Parents, don't want to be out trick-or-treating all night with your kids? Give them the Kevin Nash costume this year. Wearing this costume, odds are by the first or second house, little Jimmy will blow his knees out or tear a calf muscle, thus making it a quick night. RD: Ah, there's nothing more fun than a little Kevin Nash bashing.
RD: This looks exactly like Sid...well, if he were drawn by the guys at Mad Magazine. Blade: What, me worry?
RD: With that rather, ummm...FLAMBOYANT...cowboy hat, this reminds me of the old "Ain't I Great" Double J of 1995. Blade: The plastic bag over the mask's head reminds me of present day Jeff Jarrett....or at least what some TNA fans would like to do to him.
Blade: This mask was a little before it's time. With that tongue, it would've been a great adult-entertainment tie-in with the One Night In China video. Just add some Kool-Aid, and a beastly looking woman, and it's bizarre Joannie/Sean Halloween-like fun... all year long! RD: And on that note, we take our leave...because there can truly be nothing more horrifying than that. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
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