Quick
Note from RD: As
is the tradition
'round these parts
this time of year,
I take time away
from WrestleCrap
and delve into the
equally amusing
and absurd world
of HolidayMovieCrap.
Enjoy!
Ah
yes, the holidays
are upon us once
again. For many,
the highlight is
waiting to see what's
waiting for themselves
under the tree.
For others, the
fun is in hanging
out with family
and friends. But
for RD Reynolds,
it's about the movies...it's
always about the
movies.
When
you really think
about it, most Christmas
movies are either
really good or really,
really bad. You
have classics like It's a Wonderful
Life, White
Christmas, Holiday Inn,
and the 1951 version
of A Christmas
Carol. These
movies are timeless
pieces, ones that
fifty years from
now will be just
as loved then as
they are today.
The
flip side of that
coin, of course,
is that there are
also a lot of horrible
Christmas flicks,
a yuletide junkpile
that Hollywood seemingly
adds to every year
(Surviving Christmas,
anyone?). In fact,
we've covered a
lot of them on this
here site. Well,
it's time to add
another log to the
fire with the long-overdue
induction of Santa
Claus Conquers the
Martians, a
1964 stinkbomb that
was filmed, believe
it or not (and trust
me, if you ever
witness this thing,
you will completely
believe it) in a
warehouse.
Now
before you email
me, yes yes - this
movie does, in fact,
exist. It basically
languished in obscurity
for years until
our friends at Mystery
Science Theater
3000 took a
crack at it sometime
in the mid 90's.
That's actually
where I first saw
it, and since having
seen it aboard the
Satellite of Love,
not a Christmas
passes when I don't
take 81 minutes
out of my post-Thanksgiving/pre-New
Year's schedule
to take it all in
once again, especially
the insanely annoying
theme song.
Be
forewarned, fellow
Crapper. Once you
hear it, you will
never, EVER in a
gadzillion years
get it out of your
head.
You've
been warned! 
|
Our
story begins
the same place
all good Martian
Christmas
flicks do
- right on
the red planet
itself. It
seems the
kids of Mars
do nothing
all day but
sit arounjd
depressed
in front of
the videoset
watching,
and I'm just
quoting here,
"Earth
Progrems."
Now I'm not
exactly sure
what a "progrem" is, but honest
to God, to
this day,
whenever I
need to say
the word "program"
I pronounce
it "progrem."
That's how
deeply ingrained
this movie
is in my very
soul.
The
more perceptive
of you might
note that
the little
girl martian
in this flick
is actually
Pia Zadora.
Remember her?
Don't feel
bad, no one
else does
either. She
was a minor
celeb in the
mid 80's,
posing in Penthouse and hitting
the charts
with a couple
of mindless
pop numbers
that are so
forgetable
that even
80's stations
don't play
them. I guess
that would
cut into their
alloted time
to play Karma
Chameleon 14 times a
day. |
And
just what
are the kiddies
watching?
Well, this
being the
month of Septober
on Mars, they'd
be watching
special after
special featuring
the jolly
old fat man
himself, Santa
Claus! |
|
|
This
bothers the
kid's papa,
who just happens
to be the
leader of
Mars, Kimar
(spelling
accoding to
our pals over
at IMDB).
You
know, I've
watched this
film about
15 times,
and I swear
I always thought
his name was
K-Mar. Since
I believed
this to be
his name,
I often wondered
why he didn't
have a big
blue light
atop his head. |
Kimar's
right hand
man is...nah,
screw that.
He's always
been K-Mar
to me, and
that's the
way I likes
it!
As
I was saying,
K-MAR's
right hand
man is,
of course,
WalMar.
Ok,
I just made
that up.
Actually,
it's Voldar,
who you
know is
one bad
apple due
to the fact
that he
is very
greasy.
And I mean
GREASY.
I
dare say
if you slept
with your
face on
the grill
at the local
White Castle
you wouldn't
be as greasy
as this
dude.
So
very, very
greasy.
|
|
|
And
then, of
course,
there's
the "comic
relief"
provided
by Dropo,
the laziest
man on Mars.
He's
not just
wacky, kids
- he's WACKAY!
*snaps
fingers
three times*
Well,
to be honest,
he's actually
just kind
of stupid
and annoying.
|
K-Mar
decides that
the leaders
of Mars need
to consultant
some old coot
to tell them
what they
should do.
This wisened
sage informs
them they
need to bring
Christmas
to the children.
He then promptly
disentigrates.
So
he held off
on self-destructing
for like 500
years just
to tell them
that?
Sucks
to be him. |
|
|
K-Mar
decides if
the children
are to have
Christmas
on Mars, they
need the big
guy - Kris
Kringle himself.
So
they all head
to earth in
their ROCKETSHIP,
a rocketship
which looks
EXACTLY like
something
George Lucas
would come
up with...if
he had a $10
budget and
half of that
was spent
on leftover
erector set
pieces at
a yard sale.
Off
they go to
earth and
their attempt
to hunt down
Santa Claus. |
Right
away, they
find him -
on a street
corner ringing
a bell.
But
then they
see another
one in a department
store.
Then
another.
Now
I can't say
quite why,
but for some
reason, this
reminded me
of this past
summer's War
of the Worlds.
The premise
of that film
was that aliens
had this elaborate
plan, one
thousands
of years in
the making,
in which they
would take
over the earth.
And how would
they do this?
By killing
us ONE AT
A TIME.
Those
aliens almost
make these
Martians look
like brain
surgeons in
comparison. |
|
|
Having
decided
that they
can't capture
all the
Santa Clauses
around the
globe, they
corner Billy
and Betty,
two earth
kids, and
ask them
what the
deal is.
The
kids rat
out Santa's
location
(all the
while being
insulted
in a hilarious
manner by
Voldar),
and lead
our green
pals to
the North
Pole.
|
Once
aboard the
ship, Billy
and Betty
hear of the
Martians'
vile plan
to kidnap
Santa, and
quickly make
a dash to
warn the jolly
fat man. However,
they are thwarted
in their attempts
by the WORST
BEAR COSTUME
EVER. Seriously,
I've seen
pee wee football
team mascots
that look
more realistic. |
|
|
While
the kids are
clever enough
to avoid the
WORST BEAR
COSTUME EVER,
they're not
so savvy as
to avoid the
WORST ROBOT
EVER, who
eventually
corners Santa
as well. |
The
real highlight
of the "North
Pole Showdown"
is when
Voldar zaps
the elves
with his
freeze ray. See,
instead
of doing
a freeze
frame, the
elves just
stand there
in place,
trying -
and failing
- not to
move. And
I thought
the special
effects
involving
the bear
were bad.
So
anyway,
the martians
load Santa
in their
space ship,
and head
back to
Mars. On
the way
there, however,
some of
the martians
begin to
fall in
love with
the old
guy. No,
not THAT
kind of
love, you
pervs. More
the way
you love
a crazy,
senile old
geezer who
tells horrible
jokes.
Like
this one.
|
|
|
Finally,
we get back
to Mars
and Kmar
presents
Santa to
the little
green kids,
and they
all laugh.
And
laugh.
And
laugh and
laugh and
laugh and
laugh and
laugh.
It's
really rather
bothersome,
actually.
|
They
set Santa
up in a
workshop
that looks
EXACTLY
like something
Tim Burton
would come
up with...if
he had a
$10 budget
and half
of that
was spent
on plastic
laundry
baskets.
This
all leads
up to a
big war
in the workshop
in which
children
beat Voldar
with badmitten
rackets
and blow
bubbles
at him.
Hooray
for Santy
Claus!
|
|
|
Finally,
it's time
for Santa
to go home
and for Mars
to get their
own Santa
- DROPO.
Yeah,
like getting
that doofus
as Santa isn't
going to make
those Mars
kids even
MORE depressed. |
In
the end, I don't
know really that
Santa actually conquered
the martians...it
was more like he
just went to mars,
hung out, and then
left.
But
I guess "Santa
Claus Goes To Mars
and Then Leaves"
just doesn't have
quite the same ring
to it.
- Hooray for Santy Claus, in all
its glory.
- Dropo: "The children haven't been
eating well....no
appetite at all."
K-Mar:
"It's no wonder.
They sit in front
of the videoset
all day watching
those ridiculous
earth proGREMS...it
confuses them!"
- Betty: "What are those funny things
sticking out of
your head?"
K-Mar:
"Those are
our antennae."
Betty:
"Are you a
television set?"
Voldar:
"Stupid question!
Is that what you
want to do our children
on Mars? Turn them
into nincampoops
like these?"
- Martian pilot: "I'm laughing just
like an earthling!
What's soft and
round and you put
it on a stick and
you toast it on
a fire and it's
green? A Martian-mallow!"
Laughter
abounds
Voldar:
"That's what
you're all becoming
- MARTIANMALLOWS!"
- Santa and the children share a laugh...and
then about ten billion
more. |
