| Not
sure if I've ever mentioned it, but it seems that one of
Vince McMahon's lifelong goals is to get rid of your friend
and mine, Jim Ross.
Oh
wait, yeah, I am pretty sure I DID mention that. Three years
ago, in fact, when Ross was humiliated in a series of skits
that did little more than make Vince look like a total doofus
for trying to can the guy, then realizing he had no one
to replace him with.
But
seriously...it is kind of amazing, isn't it? In the span
of four years, half of the Gooker Award winners have either
directly or indirectly involved Good Ol' JR.
No
wonder the guy gets so pissed off he calls WrestleCrap Radio
for therapy.
So
it should come as little surprise that in 2008, we once
again saw Vince looking to get rid of the old, ugly Okie.
After all, anyone can call a wrestling match! There's no
need to know about the history of the industy, know the
people in it, or really, come to think of it, have any understanding
of the business whatsoever, right? I mean, look at the success
stories of Michael Cole and Todd Grisham, people!
And
thus, with that line of thinking, WWE fans were introduced
to this guy:

His
name? Mike Adamle.
Now
before you scoff and think that whoever could have possibly
thought that hiring this man to replace a legend like Ross
had to have been the dumbest person walking the earth, let's
take a look at his resume:
-
Former NBC Sports NFL analyst
-
Co-host of American Gladiators (Note
from Triple Kelly: Adamle was also in the Family Matters/American
Gladiators episode with Urkel and Carl squaring off
against each other. Please don't ask why I know so much
about that show. It depresses me.)
-
Commentator at the 2000 and 2004 Olympics
-
Hosted Bravo's Battle of the Network Reality Stars
-
Color Commentator for the Professional Bull Riders
So
yes...he could call everything from figure skating to a
sport in which clowns distract rampaging heffers. When
you think of it that way, it's actually kind of hard to
argue the initial logic behind the hire.
Just
one little flaw in the plan: he knew nothing about wrestling.
NOTHING.
He
didn't know the moves, he didn't know the storylines,
he didn't understand what the business was all about
or how it worked. Heck, he didn't even know the
names of the wrestlers. Unless, of course, WWE hired
a "Jeff
Harvey" without
consulting me.
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Here's
a useless fun fact: "Nature Boy" Ric Flair's
final interview of his active wrestling career was
conducted by none other than our boy Mike Adamle.
Whoooooooooooo!!!
Maybe
it should be Ewwwwww! instead.
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| It
wasn't long before the company decided that having
a guy with Adamle's credentials (and paycheck) just
hanging out backstage was a waste of the guy's potential,
so they promptly showed Joey Styles the door and gave
Adamle his first shot as a ringside commentator.
Adamle
was so thrilled that in one of his first lines, he
told Joey that he "had some big shoes to fill."
Now
let me restate that. He
told Joey that JOEY had some big shoes to fill.

I'd
attempt to explain what he meant by that, but I've
honestly spent the last six months trying to figure
it out and have yet to come up with an explanation.
Maybe the guy running WWE.com before was a size 14
or something.
And
please, don't ask me to explain why he thought his
commentating partner was THE
TAZZ.  |
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But
if you thought all Mike Adamle brought to the table
was botched lines and the uncanny ability to screw
up people's names, then you're in for a treat! A
treat in the form of zany nutty wacky cukoo lines
for guys like John
Morrison ,
and of course, the one no one will ever forget for
Kofi
Kingston! 
I
wonder if Adamle is a "Weird Al" fan?
Hmmm...
Anyway,
so yeah, he sucked as an announcer. In fact, one
time he even apologized for it. 
But
hey, WWE was reportedly paying him a truckload of
money, so they gotta put the guy to use.
I
KNOW!
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LET'S
MAKE HIM THE RAW GM!
I
will say this: no one could have seen THAT one coming.
Heck,
I'm not even sure they clued John Cena in on it,
as the look on his face was one of legit bewilderment,
and Cena isn't that good an actor.
(And
if you don't believe me, just rent The Marine
sometime.)
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So
what did he do as Raw GM?
Well,
let's see. The highlights of his run were him wearing
really stupid looking glasses...
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...and
hanging out backstage with Kelly Kelly.
Or
as he called her, "K2".
Never
thought you could come up with a name DUMBER than
"Kelly Kelly", but there you have it.
Kudos
to Mike Adamle!
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Oh!
And who could forget that time he gave John Cena
some of JBL's liquid Spanish Fly, in hopes that
it would help him score with Mickie James?
Let's
see...so far, that gir's been in a storyline romance
with Trevor Murdoch, stuck her tongue down the Great
Khali's throat, and attempted to to dildo bang Trish
Stratus.
I
knida doubt John needs a lot of help getting her
to lift the tail.
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After
months of screwing
up more names ,
botching
the company's website ,
forgetting
the name of the company he was working for ,
telling us that he
himself would be defending championships ,
and perhaps most awesomely being
confused as to what, exactly, he was sitting behind
at ringside ,
the stress of being GM just became too much for
the poor guy.
And
sadly, on October 28, 2008, the Mike Adamle era
drew to a close as he resigned from his position
(and
thus garnering perhaps the biggest pop of anything
that happened in WWE the entire year). 
I
should note that it was only fitting that he chose
to do so on the "800th episode" celebration
of Raw, since that was actually the 806th episode
of the show.
Oh,
and for all of you who hated Adamle as GM and thought
things couldn't possibly get worse?
|
| Well,
yeah. 
Hope
you're all happy now. |
 |
Adamle
was let go of his contract in January 2009, so odds are
we'll never see him again in WWE.
In
the end, I concur - Mike Adamle being a horrible announcer
turned horrible GM was probably the worst thing that happened
in wrestling in 2008.
But
hey, it wasn't that bad, was it? I mean, in the grand, Gooker-scheme
of things, it wasn't like he committed necrophilia, pulled
stuff out of someone's rectum, or caused an old geezer die
from sexual overload.

So
a toast to Mike Adamle: our least horrendous Gooker Award
winner yet!
- Mike Adamle: "Another man who's been waiting anxiously
with anticipation, his name is Jeff Harvey."
- Adamle: "Joey, you'll have some very big shoes to
fill."
- Adamle: "As we go into the ring as THE TAZZ has a
serious case of Diva Dance FEVA!!"
- Adamle: "You have a tendency to look at this guy
and say, 'He looks like Tarzan, but he probably hits like
Jane.'"
- Adamle: "Jamaican Me Crazy, Kofi!'"
- Clip from "Weird
Al" Yankovic's Wanna B Ur Lovr.
- Adamle: "And I also apologize to all of you, the
great ECW fans."
Crowd boos loudly.
- Adamle: "Shannel Moore, a local favorite...Hardcore
Holly and Cory Rhodes...Umaga, the Samoan Bulldog going
to Smackdown!"
Tazz: "Bulldozer! Bulldozer!"
- Adamle: "ECW Extreen on WW.COM!"
- Adamle: "...to reclaim the WDEFWWE championship."
- Adamle: "I have to defend the title that night."
- Adamle: "As of this moment right now, I am resigning
as the General Manager of Raw."
Crowd cheers loudly. VERY loudly.
- Adamle: "Let's just cut to the chase here, Stephanie.
You and I both know the reason I'm leaving. I'm named General
Manager by your brother, supposedly with your approval.
And what happens? Every time I make a decision, every time
I come up with a good idea? You call and change it. You
want to be in charge of everything!"
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