Not
sure if I've ever mentioned it, but it seems that one of Vince
McMahon's lifelong goals is to get rid of your friend and mine,
Jim Ross.
Oh
wait, yeah, I am pretty sure I DID mention that. Three years
ago, in fact, when Ross was humiliated in a series of skits
that did little more than make Vince look like a total doofus
for trying to can the guy, then realizing he had no one to replace
him with.
But
seriously...it is kind of amazing, isn't it? In the span of
four years, half of the Gooker Award winners have either directly
or indirectly involved Good Ol' JR.
No
wonder the guy gets so pissed off he calls WrestleCrap Radio
for therapy.
So
it should come as little surprise that in 2008, we once again
saw Vince looking to get rid of the old, ugly Okie. After all,
anyone can call a wrestling match! There's no need to know about
the history of the industy, know the people in it, or really,
come to think of it, have any understanding of the business
whatsoever, right? I mean, look at the success stories of Michael
Cole and Todd Grisham, people!
And
thus, with that line of thinking, WWE fans were introduced to
this guy:

His
name? Mike Adamle.
Now
before you scoff and think that whoever could have possibly
thought that hiring this man to replace a legend like Ross had
to have been the dumbest person walking the earth, let's take
a look at his resume:
-
Former NBC Sports NFL analyst
-
Co-host of American Gladiators (Note
from Triple Kelly: Adamle was also in the Family Matters/American
Gladiators episode with Urkel and Carl squaring off against
each other. Please don't ask why I know so much about that show.
It depresses me.)
-
Commentator at the 2000 and 2004 Olympics
-
Hosted Bravo's Battle of the Network Reality Stars
-
Color Commentator for the Professional Bull Riders
So
yes...he could call everything from figure skating to a sport
in which clowns distract rampaging heffers. When
you think of it that way, it's actually kind of hard to argue
the initial logic behind the hire.
Just
one little flaw in the plan: he knew nothing about wrestling.
NOTHING.
He
didn't know the moves, he didn't know the storylines,
he didn't understand what the business was all about
or how it worked. Heck, he didn't even know the names
of the wrestlers. Unless, of course, WWE hired a "Jeff
Harvey" without
consulting me.
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Here's
a useless fun fact: "Nature Boy" Ric Flair's
final interview of his active wrestling career was conducted
by none other than our boy Mike Adamle.
Whoooooooooooo!!!
Maybe
it should be Ewwwwww! instead.
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It
wasn't long before the company decided that having a guy
with Adamle's credentials (and paycheck) just hanging
out backstage was a waste of the guy's potential, so they
promptly showed Joey Styles the door and gave Adamle his
first shot as a ringside commentator.
Adamle
was so thrilled that in one of his first lines, he told
Joey that he "had some big shoes to fill."
Now
let me restate that. He
told Joey that JOEY had some big shoes to fill. 
I'd
attempt to explain what he meant by that, but I've honestly
spent the last six months trying to figure it out and
have yet to come up with an explanation. Maybe the guy
running WWE.com before was a size 14 or something.
And
please, don't ask me to explain why he thought his commentating
partner was THE
TAZZ.  |
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But
if you thought all Mike Adamle brought to the table
was botched lines and the uncanny ability to screw up
people's names, then you're in for a treat! A treat
in the form of zany nutty wacky cukoo lines for guys
like John
Morrison ,
and of course, the one no one will ever forget for Kofi
Kingston! 
I
wonder if Adamle is a "Weird Al" fan? Hmmm...
Anyway,
so yeah, he sucked as an announcer. In fact, one
time he even apologized for it. 
But
hey, WWE was reportedly paying him a truckload of money,
so they gotta put the guy to use.
I
KNOW!
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LET'S
MAKE HIM THE RAW GM!
I
will say this: no one could have seen THAT one coming.
Heck,
I'm not even sure they clued John Cena in on it, as
the look on his face was one of legit bewilderment,
and Cena isn't that good an actor.
(And
if you don't believe me, just rent The Marine sometime.)
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So
what did he do as Raw GM?
Well,
let's see. The highlights of his run were him wearing
really stupid looking glasses...
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...and
hanging out backstage with Kelly Kelly.
Or
as he called her, "K2".
Never
thought you could come up with a name DUMBER than "Kelly
Kelly", but there you have it.
Kudos
to Mike Adamle!
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Oh!
And who could forget that time he gave John Cena some
of JBL's liquid Spanish Fly, in hopes that it would
help him score with Mickie James?
Let's
see...so far, that gir's been in a storyline romance
with Trevor Murdoch, stuck her tongue down the Great
Khali's throat, and attempted to to dildo bang Trish
Stratus.
I
knida doubt John needs a lot of help getting her to
lift the tail.
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After
months of screwing
up more names , botching
the company's website , forgetting
the name of the company he was working for ,
telling us that he
himself would be defending championships ,
and perhaps most awesomely being
confused as to what, exactly, he was sitting behind
at ringside ,
the stress of being GM just became too much for the
poor guy.
And
sadly, on October 28, 2008, the Mike Adamle era drew
to a close as he resigned from his position (and
thus garnering perhaps the biggest pop of anything that
happened in WWE the entire year). 
I
should note that it was only fitting that he chose to
do so on the "800th episode" celebration of
Raw, since that was actually the 806th episode of the
show.
Oh,
and for all of you who hated Adamle as GM and thought
things couldn't possibly get worse?
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Well,
yeah. 
Hope
you're all happy now. |
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Adamle
was let go of his contract in January 2009, so odds are we'll
never see him again in WWE.
In
the end, I concur - Mike Adamle being a horrible announcer turned
horrible GM was probably the worst thing that happened in wrestling
in 2008.
But
hey, it wasn't that bad, was it? I mean, in the grand, Gooker-scheme
of things, it wasn't like he committed necrophilia, pulled stuff
out of someone's rectum, or caused an old geezer die from sexual
overload.

So
a toast to Mike Adamle: our least horrendous Gooker Award winner
yet!
- Mike Adamle: "Another man who's been waiting anxiously
with anticipation, his name is Jeff Harvey."
- Adamle: "Joey, you'll have some very big shoes to fill."
- Adamle: "As we go into the ring as THE TAZZ has a serious
case of Diva Dance FEVA!!"
- Adamle: "You have a tendency to look at this guy and
say, 'He looks like Tarzan, but he probably hits like Jane.'"
- Adamle: "Jamaican Me Crazy, Kofi!'"
- Clip from "Weird Al"
Yankovic's Wanna B Ur Lovr.
- Adamle: "And I also apologize to all of you, the great
ECW fans."
Crowd boos loudly.
- Adamle: "Shannel Moore, a local favorite...Hardcore Holly
and Cory Rhodes...Umaga, the Samoan Bulldog going to Smackdown!"
Tazz: "Bulldozer! Bulldozer!"
- Adamle: "ECW Extreen on WW.COM!"
- Adamle: "...to reclaim the WDEFWWE championship."
- Adamle: "I have to defend the title that night."
- Adamle: "As of this moment right now, I am resigning
as the General Manager of Raw."
Crowd cheers loudly. VERY loudly.
- Adamle: "Let's just cut to the chase here, Stephanie.
You and I both know the reason I'm leaving. I'm named General
Manager by your brother, supposedly with your approval. And
what happens? Every time I make a decision, every time I come
up with a good idea? You call and change it. You want to be
in charge of everything!"
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