Note
from Triple Kelly: I was in attendance for the
PPV that single-handedly destroyed the soul
of Paul Heyman's Extreme Championship Wrestling.
To this day, I still hold a very powerful grudge.
Before
we get going today, I thought it may be interesting
to tell you the backstory of the original idea
behind my second book, The
Death of WCW.
Following the success of the original WrestleCrap
book (due solely to the great readers of
this site, I should add), the folks at ECW Press
asked me if I would have interest in doing a
second book. I said sure, but I didn't want
to do a sequel to the first book, but rather
something entirely different. They asked me
for ideas and I came up with three:
1)
The Death of WCW
2)
The Death of ECW
3)
ToyCrap: The Very Worst Toys We Had When
We Were Kids
While
I would still love to do that third book (Matt
over at X-Entertainment
and I have been wanting to do a book together
for years), it was flat out rejected (boo!).
Instead, the publisher wanted another wrestling
book, and they were pitching hard for it to
be a chronicle of the downfall of Extreme Championship
Wrestling.
So
I thought about that for a while, and finally
came to the conclusion that there was no way
I could write that book. It would be just too
depressing, because the folks in that company
were willing to do almost anything, including,
yet not limited to, working for free to keep
it afloat, while it seemed the folks at WCW
were just there to collect a paycheck. I also
couldn't dismiss the fact that WCW was run by
a bunch of buffoons, which led to comedy. Thankfully,
the very
great Bryan Alvarez joined me for the ride,
and the rest, as they say, is history.
But
what about the Death of ECW? To this day, I
maintain that I could never write that book.
Heck, I even got depressed writing The Death
of WCW (which Bryan correctly predicted),
so no. I will not write that book.
An
induction, however...now that's something I
can do.
For
you see, when WWE decided to play Dr. Frankenstein
and bring ECW back to life, it was considered
by a lot of people as something long overdue.
But the result, a bizarre watered down mess
of a show that no fan of the original group
could possibly take seriously, left a lot to
be desired. Still, Paul Heyman was hanging about,
and if he was there, there was hope, hope that
the ship could be righted.
That
hope died on December 3, 2006 in the very un-extreme
city of Augusta, Georgia. Because that's when
Paul Heyman decided that ECW, his creation,
was finished. In fact, let's just hear it from
Paul himself, courtesy of an
interview with The Sun.
"The
final straw was the December to Dismember Pay
Per View. That show was just a wreck. I knew
it going in. I kept trying to pitch different
things for the show that week, that weekend,
and even the day of the show. All day long on
the day of the show, I kept coming to Vince
saying: “The people are going to throw
this back in our face.” I thought the
undercard was horrible. I thought that the design
of the show itself made no sense. I just felt
that the entire layout of the show, the entire
complexion of the event was a downer."
Now
stop and think about this for just a second.
Here was Paul Heyman, a man who spent TWELVE
YEARS of his life creating his own wrestling
company, and it took one show - December to
Dismember - for him to realize his dreams were
all over.
And
after going back and watching this show again
myself, I find it hard to disagree.
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For
those of you who don't recall (which
would be seemingly everyone, as it
had the lowest buyrate since the dark
days of the early 90's), December
to Dismember was the Extreme Elimination
Chamber show.
And
what a line up they had going into
the chamber: Big Show, Lashley (looking
more jacked and with a tinier head
than ever), Sabu, Rob Van Dam, and...Test?
Andrew
Martin was in the main event of a
PPV?
AN
ECW PPV?!!??
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So
yeah, the entire build up for this
was quite the fiasco. Our first match,
though, looked to be promising, with
MNM in full battle gear. It's really
too bad Joey Mercury wound up on the
outs with the company, as I would
have loved to have seen this trio
stick around for a while.
Eh,
who am I kidding? I just liked them
due to my
own fascination with fur coats in
wrestling.
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Their
opponents would be the Hardy's, Matt
& Jeff. I should probably note
that I very much love the little screens
with the guys' names on this show,
as I, like most folks, am a huge fan
of any combination of Christmas lights
and BARBED WIRE.
Maybe
I will flank the Nativity scene in
this manner come the day after Thanksgiving.
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we got us a loooooong match. With lots
of armbars. Lots and lots of them. And
oh yeah, a bizarre little comment from
Tazz explaining that this is "not
Matt Hardy's first rodeo."
Maybe
he trained with the Smoking Gunns back
in the day. |
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Man
those foam cowboy hats were a good look.
I can't believe WWE is selling straw
ones for Shawn these days.
FUSCHIA
FOAM HEADGEAR = MONEY
Rodeos
aside, this was a pretty damn good match.
But as mentioned, REALLY long. Seriously,
this thing went every bit of 30 minutes.
I
can't complain though, and honestly
have to question at this point why,
exactly, Paul was ready to pull the
plug on his creation. |
But
then things start to head downhill
fast.
Why,
look, here's Matt Striker.
Remember
him? The teacher? That is a fine pink
sweater he has on. You know what would
look good with that.
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His
foe this evening was Balls Mahoney.
Hey, remember when they did all that
build up to Balls and Kelly Kelly
being a couple? And when Punk asked
Dreamer what they did on their date
and Balls made that goofy face and
giggled like a little kid at Christmas?
Boy that was fun.
I
can't believe they broke up. I think.
Maybe they didn't. After that date,
we just never heard about it again.
So I can only assume that they just
politely decided that they should
just go their separate ways. Or maybe
they are just still doing things that
cause Balls to make goofy faces behind
the scenes.
Either way, I bet gonnorhea is involved.
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Anyway,
we soon learn that Striker's sweater
is not the highlight of his wardrobe,
but rather his trunks are. And what
fine trunks they are, featuring his
own face.
That
would be awesome enough, but the fact
that his face is being devoured by
his ass is even better, as Tazz
and Joey Styles would attest.
Had
he only gone by "Ass Face"
Matt Striker, I bet he would have
a championship run that would put
Bruno Sammartino to shame.
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| The
rules to this match are as follows:
•
No gouging of the eyes
• No pulling of the hair
• No maneuvers off the top rope
These
are apparently "Striker's Rules",
which means, I believe, that he is somehow
related to Bill Watts.
Apologies
to the 95% of you who don't get that
joke, but sometimes I just have to make
jokes only myself and Dave Meltzer would
get.
Anyway, one spinebuster later, Balls
picked up the duke. |
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Backstage,
we see Sabu being fitted for a neckbrace.
And probably a pink slip, as I don't
think we ever saw him after this night.
Don't
worry, Sabby, Paul ain't far behind.
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| Elijah
Burke and Sylvester Terkay are up next.
Remember
Terkay?
No?
Well,
consider yourself lucky. He was a guy
who did a really awful "MMA fighting
machine" gimmick, and it absolutely
sucked.
Elijah,
of course, is eighty-five different
kinds of awesome, but when you get a
hand of a three of hearts, a seven of
clubs, a queen of diamonds, a five of
spades, and a "Instructions for
pinnocle" card, there's just not
much you can do. |
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Their
opponents are the Full Blooded Italians.
Sadly, this would not include "The
Big Don" Tommy rich, but rather
the tandem of Little Guido, Tony Mamaluke,
and Trinity. |
Yes,
Trinity. I seriously had zero idea
who this even was, and now that Tazz
has informed me, I honestly still
don't know. I remember she was in
TNA for a while, but that's all.
I
will say this, though: that is one
hell of an outfit. I think I've seen
topless dancers wearing less.
Anyway,
Terkay hit a muscle buster for the
finish, and well...let's just say
that Samoa Joe probably doesn't have
much to worry about.
And
I'm starting to realize why Paul may
have felt the way he did.
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After
all, I should remind everyone that
these last two matches, featuring
the likes of Matt Striker and Sylvester
Terkay were not, in fact, on Sci-Fi
on a Tuesday night.
No
no - these matches were on pay-per-view.
PEOPLE
WERE PAYING TO SEE THIS.
AND
WERE TOLD THIS WAS AN ECW SHOW!
But hey, if you thought Matt Striker
was extreme, then say hello to...
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THE
GREAT KHALI!
EC-DUB!
EC-DUB!
Sadly, we are robbed of Tommy Dreamer
versus Great Khali (a match I can
hear Gorilla Monsoon call "a
main event in any arena in the world"),
but instead get Tommy versus Daivari.
And
in fact, we don't even get Khali as
a ringside spectator for long, as
the ref catches him low bridging Tommy,
and tosses him out.
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This
really bums me out, as the match was
so dull that I was envisioning just
how much better that epic Dreamer-Raven
feud would have been with Great Khali
involved.
In
fact,
I can hear the promos now.
Even without the help of his gigantic
pal, Daivari gets the win.
Meanwhile,
we get word that Sabu will not, in
fact, be able to compete in the Elimination
Chamber. But don't sweat it, gang,
because if you thought losing Sabu
would mean this bout would be less
extreme, well then you've not yet
seen his substitute...
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BOB
HOLLY!
EC-DUB!
EC-DUB!
Ok,
so I've joked enough about the lack
of ECW originals on this show. Apparently
those in charge of the show feel the
same, as they give us a guy who was
with ECW since day one:
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MIKE
KNOX!
EC-DUB!
EC-DUB!
Knox wasn't an Original, you say?
Well, he was on the first ECW on Sci-Fi
show, right?
Ok,
maybe he wasn't, but Kelly Kelly was,
so I will give him a pass.
Besides...IT GETS BETTER!!!!!!!
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KEVIN
THE VAMPIRE!
EC-DUB!
EC-DUB!
So
this would be a mixed tag match, with
Knox and Kelly hoping to get the better
of Kevin and Ariel.
But
wait...who do I cheer for? Aren't
these people all heels except Kelly
Kelly?
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And
just in case you hadn't figured out
that Tazz is, by far, the greatest
color commentator since the heyday
of Bobby Heenan, he takes a look at
the shot to our right, and comes to
the conclusion that Ariel is doing,
and I quote here, a
"yogurt exercise."
I
have no idea what that might be, but
I have never seen anything like that
on any of my many trips to TCBY.
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It's
not long before we get the battle
for the ages: Kelly Kelly vs. Everyone's
Favorite Big Nippled Vampire.
Sadly
for the girl so nice they named her
twice, young Kelly is no match for
the vicious vamp, as she quickly falls
victim to a face full of ass.
Maybe
next time Kel will do some yogurt
exercises and the outcome will be
different.
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And
now it's time for the main event of
the evening...waitaminute. We're only
90 minutes into this show. Are you meaning
to tell me that this Elimination Chamber
is going to be AN HOUR AND A HALF LONG?
AN
HOUR AND A HALF OF TEST AND BOB HOLLY?!
Now
I am totally seeing why Paul wanted
to quit. I want to quit too! |
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So
RVD and Bob Holly - YES, BOB HOLLY -
start the match. Five minutes later
we get CM Punk, and the fans, after
having sat on their hands pretty much
all night, start dueling "RVD"
and "CM PUNK" chants. But
hey, we can't have that, so here comes... |
TEST!
Sadly,
we are robbed of the epic Bob Holly-Andrew
Martin war, as Bob is the first guy
eliminated.
But hey, that might make people happy,
so let's get rid of CM Punk...
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...and
RVD.
Who
was pinned, I should note, by Test.
Was
there any doubt - ANY DOUBT - that
a "Bullshit"
chant was about to start?
Or
that a "Where's
My Refund?"
chant would be far behind?
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Eventually,
it's down to Show versus Lashley,
a battle for the ages. Lashley is
so beloved as a babyface that the
fans chanted "Let's go Big Show."
Sadly
for the fans, it's not meant to be,
as Lashley finishes off the Show with
a spear to start the BOBBY LASHLEY
ERA OF EXTREME.
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And
the true end of ECW as anyone who truly loved
it knew it.
Especially
for the man who loved it more than anyone elsem
that being Paul Heyman himself.
When
I was in the ring, I made the statement: “ECW
will live long after I am gone.”
Because I knew, either when I went back into
the dressing room, or within the next day or
two, it was time for me to leave.
And
sure enough, less than a week later, Paul left.
And
ECW was dead and buried.
And
now some perspective from someone who was live
at the event, our WrestleCrap Radio co-host
contest-winning Triple Kelly:
Hey
RD! Just thought I'd drop you a line and give
you my personal D2D experience cause I didn't
get to go into detail on the show about it.
I drove from my house in suburban Atlanta almost
4 hours, when it should've been 2 hours because
I got lost on the way through the backroads
of redneck country. I felt like Jon Voight in
Deliverance. I was so frightened cause the houses
were about a mile apart from each other in a
remote area of middle Georgia and my cellphone
connection was DEAD.
And much like Jon Voight at the end of Deliverance,
to this day I wake up in the middle of the night
in an ice cold sweat from bad dreams/memories
of D2D.
At first glance, Augusta, GA may appear to be
un-ECW-like compared to Philly and New York,
but trust me, everyone that was there in that
building, myself included, was a REAL ECW fan.
The attendance was very thin but everyone there
loved the original ECW guys when they came out
for their matches (and even MNM and The Hardy
Boys earned the respect and admiration of the
fans for working their asses off). Our boy Stevie
had the best match of the night...and it was
a DARK MATCH with Rene Dupree of all people
(my friend who was dressed like The Blue Meanie
and I were so close to the ring, he was yelling
stuff about Rene having a boner and Stevie was
trying to keep it together not to laugh). We
were also so close that Ariel's butt-floss barely
covered ass was practically in our faces. My
buddy had absolutely no problem with that but
since I'm a heterosexual female and not a heterosexual
man or a diesel dyke lesbian, I was having a
bad time. Then finally THE SANDMAN comes out
of the crowd and does his thing...and then just
leaves. Did they think, "Let's throw the
mutants a bone here?" At this point in
the show, I lost track of all the things that
were designed to say "F**k you all for
being ECW Fans".
And when Paul came out and did his promo before
the Elimination Chamber, I knew right then and
there it was over. But I didn't want to believe
it. It's like when you watch a movie or tv show
where you know your favorite character is going
to die. There's part of you that doesn't want
to see it happen, somewhere in the corner of
your mind is denial that it'll happen but you're
getting yourself ready for it. Sure enough,
in the next 30 minutes, ECW perished before
my very eyes. It was like Scarlett O'Hara seeing
everyone and everything she loved go to pieces
around her in the midst of Sherman's seige on
Atlanta. I know I'm being overly dramatic about
this, but as a fan of the original ECW, who
loved it because it was so unique and different
and special, it broke my spirit so badly to
see how Vince's gargantuan ego couldn't allow
for ECW, Extreme Championship Wrestling, to
stand out and be what it was, especially since
Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara outright copied it
all but made it shitty.
That show is a large reason of why I haven't
watched any of the shows on television since
and only went to the one WWECW/Smackdown taping
I talked about with you and Blade, wherein I
brought a sign with me that said "PAUL
E. IS MY HOMEBOY", that was no-sold by
the crowd of 9 year old WWE and Boreteesta marks.
You did a great job on the induction and captured
what I and the other paying fans in the audience
were thinking and feeling as this show happened
in real time. It's only appropriate that two
great things, Extreme Championship Wrestling
and the Godfather of Soul, James Brown, were
both lay to rest in that very arena within weeks
of one another.
Tazz: "Matt
Hardy, reversal. He knows. It's not Matt Hardy's
first rodeo!"
Tazz: "Is
that Striker's face?"
Joey Styles: "You gotta wonder about a
guy who wants to sit on his own face, Tazz."
Tazz loses it
Styles: "That line is gonna haunt me for
the rest of my short career."
Raven: "Tommy
Dreamer, there will not be a sanctuary, there
will be no haven. There will be no place for
you to hide. Quote the Raven..."
Great Khali: "asiobnagoisbafoihad9ugwquvbeqyuvdwqiwvduqwuibod!"
Tazz: "I
mean she's always hanging upside down, Ariel.
Imagine her hanging upside on Kevin Thorn's
Christmas tree, they've got a black Christmas
tree probably. With blood dripping off of it,
and this tomatah hanging off of it..."
Tazz: "What
the hell was Ariel doing on the apron by the
way? That was very strange."
Styles: "I have no idea."
Tazz: "She was doing some kinda yogurt
exercise on the middle rope."
Styles: "She is very flexible."
Crowd chants "Bullshit!"
Crowd chants "Where's
my refund?"
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