Death is part of life. In fact, death is probably the biggest part of life. We eat so we won’t die. We go to doctors so we won’t die. Most of us never wrestled for Fritz Von Erich in WCCW, so we’re good there, too. Still though, we all know what it’s like to lose someone. We always want that one last chance to say goodbye and tell our loved one just how much he/she meant to us. Granted, everyone has their own stance on the afterlife. That’s what makes the world go round. Your beliefs are probably different from mine, but that’s okay. I forgive you. What I’m saying is that how people cope with grief and mourn their dearly departed is nobody’s business but their own. Well, until they enlist a “medium” in hopes of communicating with their deceased relatives on national television. Then it’s fair game.

Four years ago, news broke that wrestling legend Bret “The Hitman” Hart had taped a network special wherein he attempted to communicate with his deceased mother, Helen, and his equally deceased brother, Owen. At first, many thought it was a rib. I know I did. Nahhhhhh, not Bret. Warrior? Sure. Jake The Snake? Wouldn’t give it a second thought. But no freakin’ way was I buying that the stand-up “Excellence Of Execution” would ever even consider such tomfoolery. Then the news was confirmed. Then the show aired. Even now, here I sit, watching an old video of it. And my mind still can’t quite fathom what it’s seeing.

The prime time special was called Contact: Talking To The Dead. Host Jim Moret (of Inside Edition “fame”) opened the show by introducing our main man-medium, Mr. George Anderson.

Jim gushed all over George with a quick biograganda full of vague comments like “(George has) withstood the scrutiny of national news media time and time again in reports seen on HBO, MSNBC, and CBS news.” Okay, Jim, so what you’re basically telling me is that your boy is still around DESPITE being investigated/roasted/debunked by a slew of news reports. The field of used car sales lost a genius when Jim Moret went into show biz.

The vague lunacy continued with “(George is) considered by many to be the world’s greatest medium.” Oh, for the love of Chasey Lain. Name names, dammit! Who exactly considers George Anderson to be the world’s greatest medium? I don’t. He’s not even in my top ten. Baseless comments like that have no place in responsible media. It’s not like I can just write “This gimmick was considered by many to be one of wrestling’s worst” and call it a column. Seriously, I tried it last week. (Note from RD: I wish that was a joke. It's not.)

But my favorite Jimism was the unconvincing “People travel from all over the world to see George Anderson.”

Wow, just look at that diverse mosaic of humanity from every walk of life. There in the back row, that’s Tiffany from the suburbs west of town. And right there in the front, that’s Chad from the suburbs east of town. Funny story about Chad: People often mistake him for a paid Hollywood extra. He’s just got that kind of face.

As the infomercial droned on, George shamelessly preached his technique of amusing himself during the process so as to better provide a link between the deceased and the sucker—um, I mean, believer. As excuses go, this one is right up there with “Wow, that was great. Oh, go ahead and keep talking, honey. I’m just resting my eyes.”

Meanwhile, on his official website, George humbly acknowledges his unique talent. Of his incredible life and amazing ability, George Anderson's only comment is the modest statement of a true visionary-- "I am only the instrument." Well, considering that within this context, the word “instrument” means the same thing as the word “tool,” I would have to agree.

George had a speech impediment, too. Forgive me, as I don’t know the proper term for this medical condition, but it obsessively compels its victim to follow almost every damn sentence by asking, “Understood?” Remember Perry Saturn’s short-lived gimmick of speaking complete nonsense punctuated by “You’re welcome?” Well, just swap “You’re welcome” for “Understood”, and there you have it. “Don’t tear down the outhouse, because it’s hard to go in the yard. Understood?”

On with the show. In addition to Bret, washed-up celebs Vanna White and MacKenzie Phillips (perhaps looking for contact from her career, which seemingly passed away at the One Day at a Time finale) had segments, as did relatives of murder victim Bonnie Lee Bakley. I have no idea how it panned out for any of them, though. Just like an early-90s PPV, I fast-forwarded through all the other crap to get to Bret. When main event time rolled around, Jim told us “(Bret) has millions of fans around the world who have cheered his successes, but few know of the tragedy and pain he suffered outside the ring.” Well, I suppose if you’re not counting the approximate 11 million fans who watched Monday night wrestling in the 90s. Oh, and the entire country of Canada.

Curious George commenced with his probe, and quickly revealed the following deeply personal information about Bret Hart:

• Bret has a demanding life.
• On occasion, Bret has wanted to be one place, yet he happened to be in another place at the time.
• Some people are jealous of Bret.
• Bret has a lot of brothers.
• The Hart family has issues.
• Bret’s deceased brother, Dean, had problems in life.
• Owen liked Bret.

But all of the above paled in comparison to the biggest bombshell of ‘em all. With a straight face, George suggested that the Hart family was not “a normal American family.”

Fun fact: This may be a shock to you, especially if you've been camped out under a large boulder for the past, oh, 25 years, but Bret and his family are actually Canadian.

Now I’m not saying Georgie’s a phony, but shouldn’t Nostrodumbass have known this little tidbit if he truly were instant-messaging with the other side? Or if anyone who worked for him had taken two seconds to type “Bret Hart” in the Google box? Note Bret’s body language as his segment wound down. Like a kid in the principal’s office, he can’t wait to get the hell out of here. He wasn’t the only one.

Not a moment to soon, Jim gave us one last doggy bag of vague for the road , and we called it a night.

Over the years, Bret Hart earned millions of fans worldwide with his one-of-a-kind work ethic, his mastery of alchemy (namely, carrying around lead and turning it into gold), and by just plain being one of the greatest wrestlers to ever grace the squared circle. There’s a case to be made that Bret indeed lives up to his catchphrase as “the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.” Then one day, he apparently woke up and decided to talk to the dead. At the time, our own RD Reynolds put it best when he said, “I love Bret, but he’s brought this on himself.”

People, I am a HUGE Bret Hart fan. Always was, always will be. Look, I’m not kicking the guy when he’s down. Quite the contrary. I can’t even pretend to know what Bret Hart has gone through in the past 10 years. He lost both parents, his baby brother, and countless comrades-in-arms. He watched the guys who screwed him thrive while what was left of his career disintegrated from the pettiness and incompetence of overpaid jackasses who killed WCW. Then he suffered a career-ending concussion, followed by a stroke to top it all off. Yet through it all, Bret has carried himself with so much class, dignity, and courage, no mere words on a monitor screen can do him justice. No doubt, April 22, 2002 was a heaping helping of WrestleCrap. But hell, if anyone ever deserved a night off from reality, it was Bret Hart.

Understood?

George: “I do that writing, so to speak, merely as a form of distraction. Staying out if it is the most important thing for me to do and that scribbling or doodling helps.”

George: “Okay, immediately, one comes as ‘Mom.’ Understood?”
Bret: “Yes.”
George: “Your mother speaks of passing, but not that long ago. Understood?”
Bret: “Yes.”

George: “Your mother talks about her family always suffering from a lack of communication?”
Bret: “Yeah.”
George: “It wasn’t a normal American family, by any means.”
(Bret snickers and glances around, expecting Ashton Kutcher to pop out.)

Jim Moret: “Is George Anderson a conduit to the other side? That’s a question only you can answer.”

Harry Simon is a trivia-fueled wisenheimer who has been writing about pro wrestling off and on for 16 years and counting. In addition to writing trivia columns for both the Wrestling Observer and Live Audio Wrestling websites, Harry has also written for Pro Wrestling Illustrated, and even contributed a ton of research to fellow Las Vegan Mike Tenay in preparation for the first NWA TNA PPV in 2002. Harry has also done play-by-play, color commentary, and ring announcing for indy promotions. Harry’s disturbingly popular column, Clustershmazz, appears at http://www.thewrestlingfan.com/clustershmazz.html. (WARNING: Clustershmazz contains foul language and tasteless humor, and should not be handled by pregnant women.)