Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: Fan Cancels Network Subscription After Learning “1 Night In China” Not Available

8 Submitted by on Fri, 28 February 2014, 08:00
Oshkosh, WI – 24 year-old wrestling fan Danny Burnett has decided to cancel his subscription to the WWE Network after discovering that the streaming website would not be providing “1 Night in China”. The amateur pornographic film stars former WWE stars Joanie Laurer aka Chyna and Sean Waltman aka X-Pac aka 1-2-3 Kid aka Syxx aka Syxx-Pac aka The Lightning Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Launches The TNA Network

14 Submitted by on Fri, 21 February 2014, 08:00
Huntingdon, WV – During the intermission of a house show on the West Virgina/Kentucky border, TNA President Dixie Carter revealed that the company would be launching their own network next Monday night. “Howdy, ya’ll!” said Carter to the half-full high school gymnasium. “We here at TNA are proud to announce the launching of the brand new TNA Network!” Carter then Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Natalya Finally Breaks Up With The Great Khali

8 Submitted by on Fri, 14 February 2014, 08:00
Calgary, Alberta, Canada – During an intimate Valentine’s Day dinner, WWE Diva Natalya finally broke up with her on-screen boyfriend, The Great Khali. The two superstars dined at Teatro Ristorante over a romantic candle-lit $90 per plate meal. They made small talk, but Khali noticed that Natalya seemed distant and distracted. When he gently inquired to what was bothering his Continue Reading...
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HEADLIES: EDGE’S EX-WIFE RESPECTFULLY DECLINES INVITATION TO INDUCT LITA INTO WWE HALL OF FAME

7 Submitted by on Wed, 12 February 2014, 17:45
  Tampa, FL – Lisa Ortiz, the second wife of WWE Hall of Famer Adam “Edge” Copeland, has respectfully declined an invitation to induct Amy “Lita” Dumas into the WWE Hall of Fame on WrestleMania weekend. Dumas, 38, will be the third modern-era “Diva”, after Tammy Sytch and Trish Stratus, to be inducted into the company’s Hall. Her career was Continue Reading...
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Headlies: New WWE-inspired rules for Olympic announcers revealed

10 Submitted by on Tue, 11 February 2014, 17:48
Dick Ebersol, senior adviser for NBC’s Olympic coverage and long-time friend of WWE Chairman Vince McMahon, has recently issued a memo outlining new rules for the Sochi 2014 announcers. The goal is to separate the Olympics as a genre distinct from “sports,” a term loaded with negative connotations of coarse players, rowdy fans, gambling, and sweat. Announcers are now to Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Releases “The Self-Destruction of CM Punk” DVD

20 Submitted by on Fri, 07 February 2014, 08:00
Des Moines, IA – During this week’s edition of Smackdown, WWE announced that they are releasing a brand new DVD entitled “The Self-Destruction of CM Punk”. The release comes as a surprise as there had been no previous mentions of the DVD being written, filmed, produced, and shipped to stores. “I admit the turn-around was quick, but we here at Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Unveils New Poster For Wrestlemania

17 Submitted by on Fri, 31 January 2014, 08:00
New Orleans, LA – During a press conference promoting Wrestlemania 30, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon revealed a brand new poster for the event. “I’d like to thank the members of the international press for joining us today,” said Triple H. “We saw an exciting Royal Rumble this past Sunday and we are now using that momentum to carry the Continue Reading...
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HEADLIES: CM Punk Hoping to Fill The Rock’s Void by Coming Back as Overpaid Part-Timer

8 Submitted by on Wed, 29 January 2014, 04:19
  CLEVELAND – Former WWE Champion CM Punk has informed Vince McMahon on Monday that he was walking away from the company, and Punk has since been written out of all foreseeable events. It has been learned that Punk is looking to come back for a “Dwayne Johnson type of deal” that would preclude him from performing at live events, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Sack Of Flour Jumps Ship And Joins WWE

25 Submitted by on Fri, 24 January 2014, 08:00
Pittsburgh, PA – In a stunning move harkening back to the cutthroat days of the “Monday Night Wars”, TNA’s most popular Knockout Sack Of Flour has left the company to join WWE. The surprise news was first broken by John Pollock on this week’s edition of Live Audio Wrestling. “I can’t reveal my sources, but I stand by them 100 Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Mason Ryan Excited To Make His Return On Monday Night

14 Submitted by on Fri, 17 January 2014, 08:00
Cardiff, Wales – WWE Superstar and former New Nexus member Mason Ryan has been preparing for his return to Raw this coming Monday. Inside his personal gym, Ryan expressed excitement over his return to Monday Night Raw. “It’s been a long time coming. Almost two years by my count,” said Ryan as he blasted his quads. “I know now that Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Curtis Axel and Ryback Repackaged As ‘The New American Males’

18 Submitted by on Fri, 10 January 2014, 08:00
Philadelphia, PA – Prior to this week’s taping of Smackdown, Vince McMahon held a meeting with Curtis Axel and Ryback to discuss a repackaging of their characters. McMahon, flanked by Triple H called the floundering tag team into his office and laid out his idea. “Curtis. Ryback. We all know that things aren’t really working out for both of you,” Continue Reading...
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Headlies: MILLIONS DELETE WWE APP AFTER DISCOVERING JERRY LAWLER WAS GOING TO LIVE

6 Submitted by on Tue, 07 January 2014, 13:48
  BALTIMORE – After being hospitalized earlier Monday following a vomiting spell that was possibly linked to chest pains, wrestling legend Jerry “The King” Lawler updated a worldwide television audience with a positive prognosis during WWE Monday Night Raw. In regards to receiving updates on Lawler’s health status, dignified lead WWE broadcaster Michael Cole informed home viewers that they could Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Green Bay Packers bring in David Schultz for pep talk

8 Submitted by on Sun, 05 January 2014, 14:13
Yesterday, the visiting San Francisco 49ers recruited wrestling legend Ric Flair to speak to the team the day before their NFC wild-card game versus the Green Bay Packers, prompting San Francisco right tackle Anthony Davis to tweet his appreciation for the Nature Boy, while labeling Green Bay a “s*** hole.” Outraged by the disrespect for the Packers’ home, Green Bay Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Wrestlers Make Their New Year’s Resolutions

14 Submitted by on Fri, 03 January 2014, 08:00
Stamford, CT and Orlando, FL – Various wrestlers and wrestling officials from both WWE and TNA have made their New Year’s resolutions public. WWE AJ Lee: “Get endorsed by Skip-It and polish my forehead.” The Bella Twins: “Yell ‘Come on!’ more during matches.” The Big Show: “I vow to team up with as many people as possible. 2014 is the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Items Go On Clearance At WWEShop.com

16 Submitted by on Fri, 27 December 2013, 08:00
New York, NY – In what has become a yearly WWE tradition similar to firings after Wrestlemania, multiple items at WWEShop.com have gone on clearance the day after Christmas. WWE’s Chief Revenue and Marketing Officer Michelle D. Wilson said, “Even though Christmas has passed, it is still the season of giving. We here at WWE are thrilled to be able Continue Reading...
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Headlies: A Visit From St. Vince

15 Submitted by on Fri, 20 December 2013, 08:00
Twas the night before Christmas, While sitting on the couch Not a thing on TV was stirring, Not even an In Your House.   The official Hornswoggle stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Vince McMahon soon would be there.   The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of good wrestling Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Fan Already Upset Over The Outcome Of The Cena-Orton Match

9 Submitted by on Fri, 13 December 2013, 08:00
Topeka, KS – During 6th period lunch, lifetime wrestling fan Jayden Griswald let everyone within earshot know that he already hated how the John Cena-Randy Orton was going to end. This was despite the fact that the TLC Pay-Per-View was not occurring for a few more days. “They have no idea what they’re doing,” said the C minus-average high school Continue Reading...
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Headlies: ‘Voices’ In Randy Orton’s Head Revealed To Be A Green Alien Named Gazoo

19 Submitted by on Fri, 06 December 2013, 08:00
Oklahoma City, OK – During a backstage segment with Renee Young, the supposed “voices” inside WWE Champion Randy Orton’s head were actually revealed to be a little green alien named Gazoo. In the middle of one of his patented slow-motion promos, Randy Orton paused for a long time. While not atypical for a speech given by the Apex Predator, the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince And Linda McMahon Go Black Friday Shopping

8 Submitted by on Fri, 29 November 2013, 08:00
White Plains, NY – At 4:45am on Friday morning, a stretch limo with the license plate “V1NNY MAC” pulled up to the White Plains Walmart. WWE Chairman Vince McMahon emerged from the limo into the chilly morning air with his wife, former 2-time Republican candidate for U.S. Senate, Linda. “I don’t understand why we’re here,” grumbled a cranky Vince. “We Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Builds On The Success Of The Wheel Of Dixie, Deploys More Carnival Games

13 Submitted by on Fri, 22 November 2013, 08:00
Orlando, FL – Spurred by success of the Wheel of Dixie, TNA has decided to use more traditional carnival games during episodes of Impact. During a press conference at Universal Studio’s Soundstage 10 Annex Room B, TNA President Dixie Carter explained the company’s amusement game expansion. “Whether it’s used to decide what kind of tournament match Samoa Joe will have Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Corporate Kane’s First Day At The Office

18 Submitted by on Fri, 15 November 2013, 08:00
Stamford, CT – Corporate Kane spent the first day as WWE’s new Director of Operations getting acclimated to working in the corporate world of professional wrestling. Formerly known as The Big Red Monster, Kane woke at 6:30am to prepare for his first day at Titan Towers. After a quick shower and shave, Kane put on his freshly-pressed Jos A. Bank Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Low Attendance Reported For Vader’s “White Castle Of Fear” Halloween Party

11 Submitted by on Fri, 08 November 2013, 08:00
Somewhere in the Rocky Mountains, CO – Last week, former WCW and WWE star Big Van Vader hosted his annual Halloween party at his White Castle of Fear. Unfortunately, the turnout was much lower than he had expected. “I don’t understand it,” barked Vader. “I must’ve sent out like a hundred of these invitations and there’s only a handful of Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Very Interested In Signing Backyard Wrestler

20 Submitted by on Fri, 01 November 2013, 08:00
Wilmington, DE- Backyard wrestler and current Xtreme Backyard Wrestling Alliance World Champion Mike Stab was shocked to learn that the WWE wanted to offer him a contract. Following his “Barbed-Wire, Fireworks, and Dog Doo” match with Slash Hackenschmidt, “The Master Of Darkness” Damian Devil, and Mark Boner at the XBWA’s 1st annual “Murda N’ Mayhem” Tournament, Stab relaxed behind the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Finds A New Permanent Home

19 Submitted by on Fri, 25 October 2013, 08:00
Littleton, WV – During an impromptu press conference, TNA Impact Wrestling president Dixie Carter announced that she has signed a new deal procuring a venue to house the wrestling promotion for the next three years. “We loved the Impact Zone in Tampa, but it was just time to go,” said Carter. “Universal Studios really helped us out, whether it was Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Signs The Giant

16 Submitted by on Fri, 11 October 2013, 09:00
Tampa, FL – Following the firing of The Big Show, WWE has signed former WCW Heavyweight Champion and nWo member The Giant. Stephanie McMahon introduced the late 90’s star at a press conference near his home in Tampa. “After we got rid of that dead weight Big Show, the WWE was in desperate for a big man,” said Stephanie McMahon. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Ric Flair Hires “World’s Cheapest Man” As His New Financial Advisor

9 Submitted by on Wed, 09 October 2013, 08:00
Charlotte, NC – WWE Hall of Famer Ric Flair has announced the hiring of Roy Haynes, commonly known as the “Cheapest Man In America”, as his new financial advisor. A multi-time champion in various wrestling companies, Flair has undergone various legal and financial troubles in recent years, putting a strain on his bottom line. “Between the divorces, the silk robes, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Entire ‘Battleground’ Card Replaced With A 3-Hour Triple H Promo

17 Submitted by on Sat, 05 October 2013, 09:00
Buffalo, NY – In a surprising turn of events, WWE has decided that every match on their upcoming ‘Battleground’ pay-per-view will be canceled and replaced by a three-hour long promo by WWE COO Triple H. Triple H dropped the bombshell news during an otherwise mundane press conference promoting the event. “We looked at the card and some serious consideration, the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Knockouts Division Now Just Gail Kim, ODB, And A Sack Of Flour

13 Submitted by on Mon, 30 September 2013, 08:00
Tulsa, OK – Another round of roster cuts have once again reduced the number of wrestlers in TNA. The Knockouts division has become particularly depleted, leaving only Gail Kim, Knockouts champion ODB, and a sack of flour. While having very little television time, the sack of flour has been with the company for several years serving as both a road Continue Reading...
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