Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: WWE Signs The Giant

16 Submitted by on Fri, 11 October 2013, 09:00
Tampa, FL – Following the firing of The Big Show, WWE has signed former WCW Heavyweight Champion and nWo member The Giant. Stephanie McMahon introduced the late 90′s star at a press conference near his home in Tampa. “After we got rid of that dead weight Big Show, the WWE was in desperate for a big man,” said Stephanie McMahon. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Ric Flair Hires “World’s Cheapest Man” As His New Financial Advisor

9 Submitted by on Wed, 09 October 2013, 08:00
Charlotte, NC – WWE Hall of Famer Ric Flair has announced the hiring of Roy Haynes, commonly known as the “Cheapest Man In America”, as his new financial advisor. A multi-time champion in various wrestling companies, Flair has undergone various legal and financial troubles in recent years, putting a strain on his bottom line. “Between the divorces, the silk robes, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Entire ‘Battleground’ Card Replaced With A 3-Hour Triple H Promo

17 Submitted by on Sat, 05 October 2013, 09:00
Buffalo, NY – In a surprising turn of events, WWE has decided that every match on their upcoming ‘Battleground’ pay-per-view will be canceled and replaced by a three-hour long promo by WWE COO Triple H. Triple H dropped the bombshell news during an otherwise mundane press conference promoting the event. “We looked at the card and some serious consideration, the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Knockouts Division Now Just Gail Kim, ODB, And A Sack Of Flour

13 Submitted by on Mon, 30 September 2013, 08:00
Tulsa, OK – Another round of roster cuts have once again reduced the number of wrestlers in TNA. The Knockouts division has become particularly depleted, leaving only Gail Kim, Knockouts champion ODB, and a sack of flour. While having very little television time, the sack of flour has been with the company for several years serving as both a road Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Celebrates the “Running Of The Mantaur”

13 Submitted by on Wed, 25 September 2013, 08:00
Omaha, NE – At a house show this past weekend, WWE celebrated their annual “Running Of The Mantaur” backstage, pitting their Superstars against a charging Mantaur. Wrestlers ran throughout the a sectioned-off part of the CenturyLink Center as Mantaur, wearing his iconic gigantic bison head, chased after them. Several brave wrestlers got close enough to taunt and hit Mantaur with Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Miz’s Dad Watches Son Get Pummeled, Wins Father of the Year for Not Stopping It

14 Submitted by on Tue, 17 September 2013, 08:00
Cleveland, OH – After watching his son receive vicious beatdown on Raw at the hands of Randy Orton, George Mizanin was awarded the 73rd annual “Father Of The Year” award from the Father’s Day Council. A small ceremony was held at the Cleveland Hilton Conference Room C. Council chairman Dan Orweig was on-hand to present the Miz’s father with a Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “I’m A Dixie Carter Guy” T-shirts Not Selling As Well As Expected

4 Submitted by on Sat, 14 September 2013, 12:00
Nashville, TN – Despite being available for several months online and being sold at every live event, sales of TNA’s “I’m A Dixie Carter Guy” t-shirts have been very disappointing. During a company-wide meeting, sort-of TNA Impact Wrestling president Dixie Carter addressed the situation. “I don’t understand the problem,” said a bewildered Dixie. “We put on a great product every Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Twitter Personality Jim Ross Retires

9 Submitted by on Wed, 11 September 2013, 16:19
  Norman, OK – Internet personality Jim Ross announced Wednesday that, after a long and extensive run in the business of tweeting, he will be retiring from Twitter, effective immediately. Ross, 61, has become known among the younger generation as an ardent user of the social media site Twitter. Ross, known to fans as, “Good Ol’ JR”, mostly for the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Miss Marietta Lively To Debut On Monday Night Raw

10 Submitted by on Mon, 09 September 2013, 08:00
Toronto, ON – Miss Marietta Lively, a new female wrestler, will make her in ring debut tonight at Monday Night Raw. “The WWE is proud to have Miss Marietta Lively on our roster, especially after the firing of Cody Rhodes last week,” said Triple H. “You know, I don’t actually know all that much about her. As Executive Vice President Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Triple H To Release Album Of Disney Classics

7 Submitted by on Mon, 02 September 2013, 08:00
Hollywood, CA – Following his stirring rendition of “When You Wish Upon A Star” from the classic “Pinocchio” WWE has decided to release an entire album of Triple H singing Disney songs. “I was just feeling it on Raw, you know?” said Triple H inside the recording studio. “Sometimes when you can’t find the correct words to say, you just Continue Reading...
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Headlies: No One In The Back Wants To Help CM Punk

4 Submitted by on Tue, 27 August 2013, 19:00
Phoenix, AZ – During a vicious beatdown at the hands of Paul Heyman and Curtis Axel, it became abundantly clear that no one in the back wants to help CM Punk. As the assault on the handcuffed CM Punk continued on live television for several agonizing minutes, no one from the locker room deemed it necessary to come out and Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Daniel Bryan Changes His Catchphrase to ‘Maybe!’

6 Submitted by on Mon, 26 August 2013, 08:00
Aberdeen, WA – WWE Superstar Daniel Bryan has changed his definitive catchphrase of “Yes!” to a more neutral chant of “Maybe!” Following the loss of the WWE Championship to Randy Orton mere seconds after defeating John Cena, the volatile Bryan has gone into a mode of self-reflection and introspection. “Despite my years of dominating on the independent scene, I’ve come Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Miz Revealed to be Lovecraftian Old God

9 Submitted by on Mon, 19 August 2013, 08:00
Los Angeles, CA – In a shocking turn of events, WWE Superstar The Miz, was revealed to be a blasphemous “Old One”, an ancient and extremely powerful supernatural entity from beyond the stars. Following an exciting main event featuring WWE Champion John Cena and Daniel Bryan, The Miz, who was serving as the host of Summerslam, stood in the middle Continue Reading...
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HEADLIES — Conquistadors Continue Not Living Up to Their Name

8 Submitted by on Sat, 17 August 2013, 09:00
June 20th, 2013, Dumpwater, FL – WCNewz was on hand last night for an Indy Event, where the Tag Team known as Los Conquistadors continued not living up to their name. For more than a quarter of a century, multiple wrestlers have worn the gold bodysuit/mask combo, wrestling in losing efforts in Japan, New Zealand, Mexico, the US and other Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Brooke Hogan Excited To Start Doing Whatever It Is She Actually Does

12 Submitted by on Sat, 17 August 2013, 08:30
Tampa Bay, FL – Following the news of her firing, TNA Knockouts Executive Brooke Hogan has stated that she is looking forward to her future projects. In a press conference, Hogan, real name Brooke Ellen Bollea, said, “This chapter in my life is closing, but I am looking forward to the next one. I have been blessed with a wildly Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Local Man Didn’t Realize How Much He Cared About Darren Young Until He Came Out

24 Submitted by on Thu, 15 August 2013, 13:57
  Glendale, AZ – After WWE superstar Darren Young admitted his homosexuality on Thursday, an outpouring of support has manifested, from fans and WWE personnel alike. Longtime fan Tom Bogerton, 32, of Delmore Street, was never particularly a fan of Young, or Young’s tag team, the Prime Time Players, until the stirring announcement. “I always just ignored his team, because Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Partners With Ancestry.com For New Website

12 Submitted by on Mon, 12 August 2013, 14:00
Provo, Utah – World Wresting Entertainment is proud to announce that have have partnered with Ancestry.com, the world’s largest for-profit genealogy company in world. “We here at WWE are absolutely thrilled to work with a company like Ancestry.com,” said Stephanie McMahon. “They are a well-established and respectable company. Plus their commercials are so cute and clever. The WWE Universe loves Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Bo Dallas Is Standing Right Behind You

16 Submitted by on Mon, 05 August 2013, 09:00
Seriously, Right Behind You – Ok, don’t look, but NXT champion Bo Dallas is standing right behind you. Yeah, I have no idea why, but he’s like right there. No, he’s not doing anything, he’s just kind of standing there and staring. And breathing really hard. Ugh, this is so weird and creepy. Maybe if we ignore him, he’ll go Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Bad Influence Live Up To Their Name, Corrupt Innocent TNA Talent

15 Submitted by on Sat, 27 July 2013, 09:00
Nashville, TN – The TNA tag team known as Bad Influence, consisting of Kazarian and Christopher Daniels, have been living up to their namesake and causing problems in the locker room. Though the two had been wrestling for several years in the company, it wasn’t until they officially joined forces that their habits and attitude started affecting others. “Kazarian and Continue Reading...
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Fan Wants TNA to Die Just Because He Likes Seeing Wrestlers Lose Their Jobs

15 Submitted by on Tue, 23 July 2013, 22:10
  Grand Rapids, MI – 27-year-old Sean Brethern was only fifteen when World Championship Wrestling went out of business, but he remembers it fondly. Now, the cart-retriever at Sam’s Club is hoping the same thing happens to Total Nonstop Action. “I have no idea why, but the idea of wrestlers losing their jobs excites my groin in ways that are Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Velvet McIntyre Reunites With Her Long-Lost Son Drew

10 Submitted by on Mon, 22 July 2013, 08:00
Vancouver, Canada – In a tearful reunion, former WWF female wrestler Velvet McIntyre reunited with her long-lost son, current WWE Superstar Drew McIntyre. Velvet is best known for wrestling barefoot (despite not being Samoan) and executing high-flying maneuvers in the WWF during the early 80′s. During a 1984 tour of Scotland with the WWF, Velvet had a brief affair with Continue Reading...
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HEADLIES: Man Will “Never Forget” Reading About Chris Sabin’s World Title Win on Website

9 Submitted by on Fri, 19 July 2013, 13:28
  Altoona, PA – After a decade as a TNA superstar, Chris Sabin crowned his decorated run with a shocking upset win over Bully Ray to become TNA World Heavyweight Champion Thursday night. 26-year-old fan Cory Bockner will never forget the moment for as long as he lives. “I had just clicked onto a wrestling website that I frequent, and Continue Reading...
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HEADLIES: Nitpicking Content of Wrestling Website Provides Local Man Distraction from Failed Blogging Career

0 Submitted by on Tue, 16 July 2013, 17:24
  Brooklyn, NY – Failed wrestling TV show reviewer Merv Studders is quite proud of his streak-extending thirty-fifth straight day of telling the staff at AllWorldWrestling.com how they could be doing better. The 32-year-old hack, who hasn’t updated his LiveJournal account in nearly seven years, is putting his limited written talents to use on the site’s comment boards, where he Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Sin Cara Injured During The Money In The Bank Match

16 Submitted by on Tue, 16 July 2013, 08:00
Philadelphia, PA – WWE high-flyer Sin Cara was injured on Sunday night during the first Money In The Bank ladder match despite not actually participating or even being near the ring. Early on during the epic battle for a briefcase containing a contract for a championship match, Sin Cara decided to make himself some microwave popcorn in a green room Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Evan Bourne Getting In Shape For His Return

9 Submitted by on Thu, 11 July 2013, 08:00
St. Louis, MO – WWE Superstar Evan Bourne has started a new training regime to prepare himself for his in-ring return following a horrific foot injury from over a year ago. “That injury was a blessing in disguise. It really gave me time to enjoy some of the finer things in life,” said a noticeably heftier Bourne. “I couldn’t really Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Little Girl Asks Her Father “Where Does Brad Maddox Come From?”

14 Submitted by on Thu, 04 July 2013, 08:30
Fall River, MA – 6 year-old wrestling fan Suzy Cabral was being tucked into her bed by her father Carlos when she asked him a very important life question. “Daddy, where does Brad Maddox come from?” asked Suzy. Carlos cringed at the question that every father hopes never to have to answer. He never thought the day would come when Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Rob Van Dam To Challenge Ryback For Airbrushed Tights

13 Submitted by on Tue, 25 June 2013, 09:00
North Charleston, NC – Returning Superstar Rob Van Dam issued a challenge to Ryback this past Monday Night on Raw that has sent shockwaves throughout the WWE Universe. “Duder, you can’t be running around in those sweet tights,” said an incredibly laid-back Van Dam. “You’re ganking my style and that is not cool, man. There’s only room for one guy Continue Reading...
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Headlies: CM Punk To Undergo “Adamantium Skeleton” Procedure

12 Submitted by on Fri, 21 June 2013, 12:00
Chicago, IL – In preparation for his match with Brock Lesnar, WWE wrestler CM Punk will be undergoing an experimental procedure to bond the unbreakable metal alloy Adamantium with his entire skeletal structure. Sporting extra large sideburns, CM Punk said, “Lesnar was a UFC champion, he broke Triple H’s arm, and he even endured the pain of being on a Continue Reading...
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