There
were warning signs.
There
were warning signs that I shouldn't do this induction.
Now
please don't misunderstand me: there were no warning signs
that The Abraham Washington Show shouldn't be inducted. That
was never in doubt, because that thing was horrible, and it
was horrible for like 80 weeks straight or however long WWE
decided to subject us to it.
But
there were warning signs, obstacles, roadblocks all in the
way of getting it done.
The
family was sick.
My
computer, despite saying it had 50 minutes left, shut down
completely.
Dreamweaver
was constantly crashing.
And
then...then there were my peers with their warnings.
I
don't do it often, but every once in a while when I am working
on the site I will ask my wrestling "peers" what
they think about a potential induction. By peers, I may mean
co-writers at WrestleCrap, indy guys I used to work with,
or folks from other wrestling sites that I talk with from
time to time. Such was the case last week when I sent out
the following email:
"I
really don't want to subject myself to this, but I think I'm
going to induct the Abraham Washington show. Anybody have
any 'favorite memories' of this disaster?"
Here's
a sampling of the responses I received:
Jed
Shafer: "I only saw the first episode, but what I remember
of it was 15 minutes of dialogue more stilted than a 12-foot
tall circus clown (see what I did there?) and so many awkward
silences, I had to make sure my TV wasn't on mute."
Vince
Verhei: "No. I have no favorite memories of this show,
and it was so bad, I would never even want to view the induction
for it on your page. It is out of my life, and I am happy
that way."
Bryan
Alvarez: "Trying to avoid watching it."
Finally,
I tried asking some folks about it on Facebook. Here's the
best of the selection of conversations I had:
Ultimate
Kennedy: "Are you talking about Raw? I know they had
hacked characters of presidents in that new WWE game coming
out."
My
reply: "No, I was talking about the bit on ECW they used
to do."
Ultimate
Kennedy: "No, can't say I've seen that. See you later,
RD."
Then
he immediately disconnected.
Warnings,
I say.
For
those of you lucky enough to have never seen this disaster,
it was basically an awful time filler on WWE's awful version
of ECW. You wouldn't think a one-hour wrestling show would
require filler. Apparently those in charge in WWE felt otherwise,
and thus we got a talk show segment.
A
horrible talk show segment.
A
horrible talk show segment every single week for over six
months straight.
Not
sure I've mentioned it or not, but this thing was horrible.
I
mentioned warnings above.
If
ever there was a warning, one that should have been
heeded, it was the very first Abraham Washington Show
that ever made air.
Following
an incredibly wooden introduction...wait, no, stop.
Seriously,
I can't continue this induction without talking about
something else first. |
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Look
at that hair.
What
is up with that hair?
Is
that real?
Is
it a bald skull cap that is painted to somehow represent
hair?
Is
it Play-Doh created from a WWE-licensed Fun Factory?
I
seriously have no idea, but it is very, very distracting.
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Ok,
where was I?
Oh
yeah, the wooden introduction thing, yeah. It led
into an OJ Simpson joke.
In
2009.
And
then we got something even better: his first question,
in which he
asked the Bellas if they've always looked alike.
To
which they "laughed" and said how funny
it was.
WARNINGS.
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It
would be at this point in an old induction that I
would say, "And thankfully, it lasted just one
week."
But
not here.
Abraham not only made it back on television, he got
a whole set designed for him, with theme music, logos,
and couches.
COUCHES
I SAY.
What
he did not bring was good material. This
stuff is so bad my five year old wouldn't laugh
at it.
And
he laughs til he cries when I say the word "poop."
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But
we got it week. After week. After week. After week.
And
it was infectious, which I do not mean in any good
way. What I mean by that is the horribleness of the
showed rubbed off on everyone that came in contact
with it.
How
else can you explain Shelton Benjamin doing an interview,
and I am quoting here, "In
Smurf?"
Which
somehow led to Zack
Ryder singing Hootie & The Blowfish.
Which
then led to Shelton
singing Hootie & The Blowfish.
This
all made air, mind you.
And
it didn't kill the show.
In
fact, we got more stuff, and it was impossibly, inexplicably
even worse.
Despite
this, WWE was expecting fans to applaud these efforts.
You know how I know this?
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Yes.
They
actually had a sign to tell you when to applaud.
I
think that's supposed to be a joke, but then again,
they originally brought Abe i thinking he'd be a babyface.
And
that's definitely NOT a joke.
Still,
in the midst of all the utter crap, we got one shining
beacon of light.
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THIS
MAN.
This
man would be one Tony Atlas, who was a former wrestler,
Mr. USA, and Black Superman.
What
he was not was a good interview, thanks to his mumble
mouth enunciation. I can only speculate that Ahmed
Johnson watched this guy in the 80's and said, "That
right there is the guy I need to emulate in my interviews."
Except
I bet he never said "emulate."
Or
knew what that word even meant.
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Anyway,
Atlas became Washington's Ed McMahon, doing introductions
such as this one, where he said that Abraham's guest
would be the man everyone thought was the Hurricane, Gregory
HAM.
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Of
course, the most important aspect of Tony being onstage
was his ability to laugh
on cue.
And sometimes
off cue - at times, Atlas would just laugh in
the middle of segments for no discernable reason.
At first I thought he was just drunk or stoned or
something, but apparently that was part of the gimmick
and that was actually really funny.
However,
after Tony's debut, the show vanished and was not
seen on ECW the following week.
Nor
the next week.
Had
someone in WWE come to their senses?
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Of
course not, silly.
Instead
they had a future guest be TIFFANY.
Remember
when I brought up the fact that Tony didn't have the
best diction?
Well,
now we have the polar opposite: a woman that speaks
in the
most completely mechanical and wooden manner possible.
What
I would pay to see Tiffany and Tony Atlas in a verbal
debate. |
Sadly,
we didn't get that. Instead we started getting more
Zack Ryder (this time reciting
poems to Rosa Mendes) and...wait a minute.
What
is that?
Top
image, over to the bottom right!
Camera
man, zoom it! |
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They
actually made coffee cups for this pile of crap show?
Thankfully,
a quick Google Search reveals no further evidence of
this, so I have to assume they did not try to sell these.
I
don't know whether to be happy about that or sad, because
that would have been the ultimate Someone Bought This
ever. |
While
it seemed nothing could kill the Abraham Washington
Show, something could nix ECW and did: low ratings.
But
Abraham wasn't concerned because he was now a free agent.
Who would get this great talent and his show?
Raw?
Smackdown? |
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How
about neither?
Only one
way to respond to that!
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