OH.
MY.
GOD.
I.......I.......I'm speechless.
I am literally at a loss for words.
I have just witnessed the absolute worst wrestling match I
have EVER seen in my life.
This accounts for everything I've seen in the WWF/E, Crockett's
NWA, Turner's WCW, the original ECW, the AWA, Herb Abrams'
UWF, GWF, WOW, GLOW, WCCW, Angelo Savoldi's ICW, Gordon Scozzari's
AWF, every independent territory you can think of. Even RD's
blindfold kiss my foot match was better than this week's induction!
Remember when RD inducted "That Jackie Gayda Match"?
This
week's match makes that one look like The Midnight Express
Vs. Ric Flair and Barry Windham in 1988.
Wow.
Just
wow.
If you've never seen it, please take my advice and just read
this induction. Do not - I repeat, DO NOT UNDER ANY circumstances
hunt this down and attempt to watch it. The horror of this
encounter is so far beyond anything you can imagine that it's
frankly incredible.
It
is, of course, the infamous Jenna Morasca vs. Sharmell match
from Victory Road 2009. Those who have had the misfortune
of actually seeing and have lived to tell the tale? Most of
them are no longer wrestling fans. Most of them, after paying
witness to this, likely not only questioned their decision
of being a wrestling fan in the first place, but also asked
what they could have done to make God so angry that he infected
their eyes with this atrocity.
And
I am questioning how RD could have been so cruel as to make
me watch it.
The
bout pitted Sharmell (Booker T's wife) against Jenna
Morasca of Survivor "fame."
I
put that in quotation marks because I honestly had no
idea who she even was before I started writing this.
I not only didn't know, but didn't care (heck, I just
learned last week who Justin Bieber is).
Apparently
she became famous for getting naked on the show. Except,
of course, it was on network TV and she wasn't seen
naked and thus parlayed that into a Playboy spread. |
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A
spread, ironically, that could not have been more
revealing than her ring entrance.
I
bet people have had colonoscopies and had their anal
cavaties that exposed.
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Sharmell's
reaction was the same as mine.
And
she only saw it from Jenna's front side.
I
can only assume that she was able to look right down
Jenna's throat and see daylight out the other side.
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Outside the ring for this encounter? Awesome Kong.
Yes,
Awesome Kong didn't wrestle - JENNA MORASCA did.
Just
take a look at Kong's kisser. It's the look of a woman
who knows this cannot possibly end well.
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The
bell rings.
Historically,
this has been the signal in a professional wrestling
match for the action to begin.
Tonight,
though, the sound inspired Sharmell and Jenna to circle
each other for what appeared to be 6 months.
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Finally,
Sharmell attacks...with the weakest punches I've ever
seen in my life.
I'm
not saying she has to stiff her but...on second thought
yes, yes, give her Stan Hansen stiff brawling.
BTW,
I apologize profusely to every wrestling fan for using
the names "Sharmell" and "Stan Hansen"
in the same breath.
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There's
also lotsa hair-grabbing.
A
LOT of hair-grabbing.
If you have a hair grabbing fetish, this is a *****,
grab a bottle of Jergens and ggo to town classic.
If
you're not some twisted freak, though, this is making
the Miss Hancock Vs. Daffney wedding gown match look
like Bret Hart Vs. Jerry Lawler at Summerslam '93.
(Note
from RD: Mad props for mentioning one of my favorite
matches of all-time!) |
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Look
at poor Earl Hebner. The guy's reffed a million matches,
and now he has this one on his permanent record.
I
bet he's praying for a group of French-Canadians to
bum rush the ring.
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If
you're looking for play-by-play of this one, you're
out of luck.
Just
take the words "punch" and "kick"
and say them randomly and at 10 second intervals.
Oh,
and make sure you put the word "HORRIBLE!!!!"
in front of each when you say them. |
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We
do get a high spot, though, in the form of a Jenna
cross body block.
Don't
get too excited, though - Jenna's feet couldn't have
been more than six inches off the mat.
Still,
that will have to pass for "action" in this
encounter.
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There's
also some random interference from Sojourner Bolt
outside the ring.
Why?
Because
it's TNA and random interference for no discernible
reason is a requirement in every match.
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Jenna
gets her comeback by lightly smacking Sharmell around.
You
know what, scratch what I said in the intro - I highly
recommend you go out and watch this PPV *just* to
watch this moment.
Oh,
and send
RD an animated GIF of it while you're at it, so
we can do this induction justice.
It's
like Jenna is Sharmell's older brother (yes, brother)
going, "does this bug you?! does this bug you?!"
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Awesome
Kong is not pleased.
I'm
with you, sista.
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Then
there's some stupid business where Jenna pulls out Sharmell's
hair extensions, which causes her much stress.
Awesome
Kong gives it back but gives her a chop that lays her
out so Jenna can pin her. |
Pin
her with her vagina, that is.
Her
filthy, filthy vagina.
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In
a classic "One of These Things is Not Like the
Other" moment, Kong lifts Jenna up on her shoulders
in celebration.
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Then
they do the old disagreement at the end of the match
thing where Jenna slaps Kong and Kong retaliates by
kicking her boney-can't-work-ass and leaves her laying
in the ring. |
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You
rule, Kong.
F*** Bubba the Love Sponge.
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It
wasn't long after this that TNA had decided they'd seen enough
and showed Jenna the door.
And
when TNA thinks you stink, it's time to start looking for
another career. |
