Text By Jed Schaefer

What if...Rikishi Wasn't the Guy Who Ran Over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series 1999?

Part VII

Raw: Feb. 26, '01

 

Steve Austin limps to the ring as Raw begins, looking less like a wrestling and more of a battlefield victim, with bandages, bruises and stitches to address his many wounds. His temper and snarl, however, look as healthy as ever. "Last night, in front of the world, Stone Cold Steve Austin beat the livin' hell out The Rock, just like I said I would!" The crowd cheers, but not as enthusiastically as they once would have; whether it is because of the previous night's revelations, or the murderous intentions shown by Austin the night before, nobody can be certain. "But just as I was about to get my revenge on The Rock, BAM!, here comes another damn Lincoln and crashes into me, and it's that jackass in the gold suit. Now, I been accused of bein' thick sometimes, but ya ain't gotta be a genius to see what's goin' on here. And that's why I'm out here, because I got two things I need to do tonight. The first," says Austin, lowering his head a little, "is I need Rocky to come out here so I can look him in the eyes and say what I need to say like a man."

 

The Rock, looking as bad off as Austin does, limps down to the ring. Without a shred of malice, but likewise missing any sense of friendly atomsphere, Rock approaches Austin, looking him dead in the eye from mere inches away. "Last night," says Austin, "you took me further then I ever been in a match. You and me, we may never see eye to eye, but you may be the toughest damn guy I ever fought." Austin pauses, sticks out a hand. "And I owe you an apology." Rock looks down at the hand and back to Austin's eyes, knowing Austin's usual trick. "I ain't pullin' nothing, Rock. Last night, in front of the world, you showed up for the fight of your life. You knew I was lookin' ta cripple you, and you didn't back down once, even though you said you wasn't guilty. And ... I think I shoulda known. You may be a loud-mouthed, snot-nosed punk, and you may be a son of a bitch, but the one thing you ain't never been is a liar. I can't take back what I did to your family and your life ... all I can do is apologize. I owe ya that."

 

Rock lingers over it a moment, then accepts the handshake to the delight of the crowd. Once done, Austin then adds; "And I owe someone else something, and I think you owe it, too. We owe that guy in the gold jumpsuit the ass-kicking of a lifetime!"

 

The music of Chris Benoit hits; he steps out onto the stage, Intercontinental Championship on his shoulder, and a world-class smile on his face. "Gentlemen, gentlemen," says Benoit, "I'm afraid you're going to have to wait--"

 

"I wasn't talkin' about you, ya dumb bastard!" snaps Austin. "I'm talkin' 'bout the guy who ran me over a year and a half ago!"

 

Benoit blinks and actually takes a step back. "I know your brain may be rattled from last night, Stone Cold, but--"

 

"Did you not hear what Stone Cold Steve Austin said?" asks The Rock. "Here, since you're Canadian, let The Rock give you a Texas-to-Canada translation: know your role, and shut your mouth! You see, The Rock knows your game, Chris Benoit. The Rock knows ... stupid guy, wears a gold Elvis costume and a mask ... wins the Rumble ... you piss and moan for weeks, 'Kurt Angle owes me, Kurt Angle owes me!'. Suddenly, here you are, wearing the dumb little costume, saying you won the Rumble. Ties up neat in a little golden bow, right? Well, it's a load of monkey crap!"

 

"It is not! I--"

 

Of all things to interrupt Benoit's protests, no one expects it to be the audience, who react as one with shock at the face on the TitanTron ... or, the lack of a face, covered by a gold mask. Benoit turns his head up, sees the Golden Champion on the screen and flips out. As Benoit fumes and hollars about how this isn't right or fair, William Regal comes out. "Last night, Chris Benoit, your actions gave me enough reason to see you terminated without warning. You are a despicable, rotten, sorry excuse for a person, and I should send you packing ... but if I fire you, you'll never answer for your crimes against all the people you've hurt here, and quite frankly, I don't even know anymore how far your crimes extend. Tonight, you will start repaying that debt, though, when you square off against The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin!"

 

Benoit completely flips his lid, throwing the title belt. "I don't get a partner? What kind of--"

 

"Oh, you'll get a partner alright," says Regal with a malicious grin. "Somebody who I believe those two gentlemen want a scrap with just as much as they do you." Regal looks up at the TitanTron, sending the crowd over the edge. "By my order, I am commanding the Golden Champion to appear as the partner of Chris Benoit, or he will forfeit his slot at WrestleMania!"

 

Benoit's eyes go wide, almost in horror; above him, the cameras catch the golden-dressed mystery man fly off the handle--albeit silently--throwing things around, wherever he is. Regal is about to step away when he stops and taps Benoit on the shoulder. "Oh, sunshine? For disrespecting the title belt as you did, I'll see to it you'll be facing a fine so large, you won't eat for a week. And you can expect a sound thrashing by me at WrestleMania 17 as well!" Regal sucker-punches Benoit, smoothes out his suit, waves to the crowd and goes backstage.

 

The first match of evening is a huge 8-man tag, pitting The Radicals and Steven Richards against Undertaker, Triple H, Chris Jericho and Val Venis. The Radicals come with Trish Stratus and Kane in tow, but both stand with arms crossed in the corner, scrutinizing the performance of their team. The Radicals almost ignore Richards' presence, which, to their detriment, turns the match into a 4-on-3 handicap; eventually, Richards has enough of being ignored and drops away, officially leaving the team. The numbers advantage helps the opposition press their dominance and put away the three Radicals, with Venis getting the winning pinfall. As Venis and his teammates leave the ring, Trish and Kane enter, walking up to Guerrero, who immediately falls to his knees and begs for another chance. Trish smiles an entirely humorous smile, caresses Guerrero's cheek, and takes a step back so Malenko can bash Guerrero in the back of the head with the Tag Title belt. Kane picks up Guerrero as Malenko lays out his title belt on the mat; Kane drives Guerrero headfirst into the belt with a tombstone piledriver. As Malenko and Saturn pull Guerrero to his knees so Trish can slap him and spit in his face, Big Show enters the ring, grabs Kane and chokeslams him to hell and back. Malenko and Saturn charge, but Show hits stereo chokeslams, leaving Trish alone in the ring with the giant athlete. Trish begs and pleads for her safety, but Show hears none of it and plants Trish alongside her compatriots on the mat, sending the crowd through the roof. Show picks up Guerrero's lifeless body, drapes him over the shoulder, and carries him to the back.

 

With the tag title situation a total mess, a triple threat singles match is signed to help the teams blow off some steam, pitting Bubba Ray Dudley against Edge and Matt Hardy. The match breaks down barely inside a minute, with the respective partners getting involved, before Malenko and Saturn come back out and join the fray. The ref has no choice to but to throw the match, while everyone gets pulled apart.

 

Shane McMahon, not seen in over a month prior to the previous night's interjection into the WWF Title match, comes out to a raucous reception. Shane soaks in the applause for a bit, then asks everyone to quiet down so he can speak. "I'm sure you're all wondering where I've been for the past month. I'm sure there might even be a few of you who are mad at me for not sticking around while my father has turned the WWF into a nightmare for the WWF Superstars." The audience responds with more applause, putting down the thoughts of ill will over his absence. "You see, I was gone for a month because I discovered the truth. My mother, Linda, did not take a leave of absence to deal with the impending divorce of my parents. My mother ..." Shane pauses, holding a hand to his mouth, obviously choking up. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and continues. "My mother was devestated by my father's demand for a divorce. And when my father learned of this, he had her so medicated, she doesn't even respond anymore. She sits in a chair and stares out the window all day; she doesn't talk, she barely moves, and she has to be fed like some kind of invalid!" Shane's hands tremble with rage as he speaks; his forehead gets clammy with sweat, his eyes get wide like spotlights. "My father manipulated my mother and put her in a catatonic state, so he could muscle her out of her position as CEO of the World Wrestling Federation!" Shane turns towards the ramp, the rage coming off him in almost visible waves. "How can you do this to your own wife, Vince? To the mother of your children? Vince, you senile old bastard! I swear to God and everybody here, on my honor, I will not stop until I beat you at your own game and drive you out of the WWF forever!"

 

"No Chance In Hell" cues up, bringing out Vince McMahon, arms puffed out as if he were a champion body builder. Vince looks all too proud off himself, even as his only son looks at him with endless contempt. "Shane, Shane, Shane," says Vince. "Your mother's condition is purely brought on by her inability to cope with the stress of losing the comfortable life I've given her. You have to face the facts: your mother always has been a gold-digging whore--" The crowd nearly comes out of their seats at this; Vince sneers at the audience. "You'll shut up when I beat the living hell out of the WWF Commissioner in a few minutes!" he says, strutting down to the ring. Vince gets in the ring and gets right in Shane's face. "You also need to face the fact that you will never stack up to me, Shane. I was a better student, I'm a better businessman, and I'm a better wrestler." Vince rears back and slaps Shane, but Shane brings his head back to bear, glaring at his father with raw hatred. Vince stares in shock as Shane seethes, his hands balling and loosening over and over again. Vince doesn't notice William Regal enter the ring and stand right behind him until Shane slaps Vince so hard, the blow turns Vince around; Vince staggers right into Regal, who grins before unleashing on Vince's chest with vicious knife-edge chops. Shane ducks out of the ring and instructs the timekeeper to ring the bell, turning the beatdown into the official contest, which sees Vince get beaten from pillar to post. When Regal locks in the STF, a tap-out is all but assured, until Chris Benoit comes and attacks Regal, drawing the DQ. Shane jumps in the ring and goes after his father, but Vince's army rushes the ring and pulverize Shane, then pull Vince out and leave Regal for Benoit to dissect.

 

Kane, fresh off his decimation of Eddie Guerrero, comes at Big Show with renewed fury, but Show won't wilt against the Big Red Machine. When Kane can't land a chokeslam on Big Show, he leaves the ring and grabs a chair, blasting Show in the head to draw a DQ. Kane is all ready to maul the giant with the chair, but Guerrero hobbles down the ramp with the fire of vengeance in his eyes and a chair of his own in his hands. Kane catches sight of Guerrero and beckons him to get in the ring and fight, taking his eyes off Show, who gets back up to his feet as if nothing happened, spins Kane around and plants him with a chokeslam of his own. Guerrero and Show gesture to each other, both now bonded by being exiles from Vince's favor.

 

The biggest main event in Raw history kicks off with the introductions of The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Both look absolutely horrible and in no shape to compete, but neither look like they'd miss the opportunity before them for the world. Before the ring announcer gets to introducing their opponents, Austin steps up to The Rock, and for a few tense moments, the rivalry looks to be simmering again ... until Austin extends a hand. Rock accepts it without hesitation, sending the audience into overdrive with cheers. The contrast of the peace brokered between the two long-time rivals is countered by the first man coming down to the ring, Chris Benoit, a man responsible for spreading poison in nearly every corner of the WWF. Behind him, the masked mystery winner of the Royal Rumble, now a figure of skepticism and mistrust in the WWF. The Golden Champion drops away from the apron, forcing Benoit to take the lead in the match, a move the announcers speculate is out of spite. For almost ten minutes, Benoit is forced to endure a thorough beating as Austin and Rock trade off pounding on the Intercontinental Champion; every advantage Benoit earns, either Rock or Austin has no moral qualms about ending with an illegal attack from behind. Benoit manages to snap off a brutal German on The Rock and staggers towards his corner, only for the Golden Champion to come into the ring and nearly separate Benoit's head from his shoulders with a clothesline, then leaves the ring again and backs up the ramp, leaving Benoit to the wolves. Austin gets the tag, snaps off a Stunner and gets the pinfall, and is just as quickly on his feet again, as is Rock, looking towards the Golden Champion. He backs up the ramp, shaking his head at Rock and Austin, not seeing the line of security guards behind him, led by Regal until he actually bumps into Regal. Before he can find an escape or even beg for mercy, Austin and Rock storm up the ramp, dragging him by the arms down to the ring as he kicks and thrashes, but he twists enough to get the grip loose and scrambles to the outside, where Benoit pops up and drops him to his knees with a vicious chop across the chest. As the Golden Champion holds his smarting chest, Benoit grabs the mask and rips it off. For a handful of seconds, the only sound in the arena is over 10,000 people gasping simultaneously. Austin and Rock watch from the ring, perplexed as the security force swarms down to take the person in for questioning, and presumably for their safety. But while Austin and Rock are left scratching their heads, the audience's mindset quickly gels upon seeing the Golden Champion revealed as Kurt Angle: unbridled disgust.

 

Smackdown: Mar. 1, '01

 

A WWF Tag Team Title defense, pitting the Radicals against former friends Eddie Guerrero & Big Show, and a big confrontation between William Regal and Shane McMahon teaming against Vince McMahon and his reluctant partner Chris Benoit, highlight Smackdown's in-ring docket. But what everyone wants to see, what has been promised in television  and radio ads, and on the WWF website: an on-demand appearence by Chris Benoit, explaining exactly what happened on Raw, his role and what exactly is going on with himself and Kurt Angle. Angle himself is banned from the arena while continuing to undergo intense interrogation (and protective custody), while the five victims of the confusing conspiracy--Steve Austin, Undertaker, Triple H, Chris Jericho and The Rock--are blockaded in dressing rooms while Benoit is in the ring.

 

Commissioner William Regal leads a battalion of security guards marches out of the back and down the ramp; in the middle of the squadron is the second-most hated man in the World Wrestling Federation, Chris Benoit. Regal urges the crowd to calm down so Benoit can speak. When the audience finally, after several minutes of uninterrupted heckling, quiets down, Regal steps up to Benoit, shaking his head, a mask of disgust on his face. "Before I give you the floor, Chris Benoit," says Regal, spitting out the words, "I want to say something to you. When I was at my lowest point, I looked up to you as the model of behavior I should follow to turn my life around. So to see the scoundrel you've become is nothing short of horrid. You make me sick, and I have no expectations that whatever feeble excuses you plan on spewing forth tonight will make any difference in the hearts and minds of these fans, or of myself." Regal shoves the microphone into Benoit's hands, then, quite uncharacteristically, spits in Benoit's face. Benoit doesn't even blink, and only wipes away the spit when Regal leaves the ring. When Regal disappears to the back, Benoit finally begins speaking.

 

"I am not out here because Commissioner Regal forced me," proclaims a defiant Benoit. "I am out here to right a wrong. I am out here to correct an injustice. Kurt Angle screwed me, and I am out here to tear him down. When I arrived here in the World Wrestling Federation a year ago, I came here looking for opportunity I couldn't get elsewhere, only to find myself the victim of a corrupt Commissioner and an uncaring owner. Kurt Angle approached me after Unforgiven last year, and he told me about a plan he'd been working on for over nine months, a plan that had already eliminated two big WWF Superstars, and with my help, could take down more. He told me how the most important of his Three I's was Intelligence, and he used his intelligence to eliminate Steve Austin by running him over at the 1999 Survivor Series, and he'd used his intelligence to plant evidence to frame The Rock when the time came. He told me how he'd been trying to break up Triple H's marriage to distract him, but Stephanie had decided to stay with Hunter, so he came to me and asked for my help. We used the Right To Censor and we framed Chris Jericho as a homewrecker, while Mick Foley created such a mess of the Austin case beyond our wildest fantasties that we could only help fan the flames. Every move he made ... the fake eyewitness confession about seeing The Rock in the parking garage ... entering the Royal Rumble under a mask so he could keep Austin and The Rock from winning ... everything that Kurt Angle has done in the past six months, he's done with my help." Benoit pauses, his lip curling up, his brow furrowing. "And when it was all done, when everybody Angle was afraid of was put in their place, and he'd won the Rumble, I went to him and I asked him for my payment, my WWF Title shot. And he refused!" Benoit walks up to one of the cameras, leveling a finger. "Kurt Angle, I know you'll watch this somewhere, somehow, and I want you to understand: you do not screw Chris Benoit! I will make your life a living hell, Kurt Angle! I've already destroyed your little conspiracy, and now, I'll make your life a nightmare until WrestleMania! You owe me a World Wrestling Federation Championship match, and I'll get it ... or I will show you why they call me the Crippler!"

 

No sooner is the confession over then Chris Jericho is in Regal's office, demanding a piece of Angle's hide at WrestleMania. Jericho reminds Regal about his victory in the four-way elimination match not a couple weeks before, and how Angle hasn't been able to defeat him fair and square in any of their WWF Title confrontations. Regal tells Jericho he will consider it and let him know next week.

 

Smackdown gets the mirror triple threat of the Dudleys/Hardys/Edge & Christain rivalry, featuring D-Von, Christian and Jeff. Like Raw, the match deteriorates quickly, and the partners of the respective wrestlers jump in the fray just as fast, forcing a no-decision. From the back, the tag champs, Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn, watch with smug satisfaction as their enemies tear each other apart.

 

As Regal relaxes with a cup of tea, his door explodes open on the heels of Triple H, who overturns a chair and demands a shot at Angle at WrestleMania. Like Jericho, Triple H brings up how Angle has yet to beat him sqaurely, and also reminds Regal of his pinfall victory over the champion in September. Unlike Jericho, though, promises to review the situation and get back to him doesn't satisfy Triple H, who takes out another chair before Regal jumps out of his chair and reiterates, this time in firm, threatening tone of voice, that if he doesn't stop tearing up the office, Triple H will find himself on the outside of title contention for the rest of the year. Reluctantly, Triple H leaves, vowing to come back on Monday if he doesn't get an answer first thing.

 

Val Venis enters the ring, accompanied by the APA, set to do battle with Bull Buchanan, a "qualifier" set by Steven Richards that Venis must win if Venis wants another crack at the Right To Censor leader. In a rare show of forethought by the RTC chieftain, Richards directs The Goodfather and Ivory to come backstage with him, so as not to cause a disqualification for their man. Unfortunately, without the gang behind him, Buchanan seems lost and is easy prey for Venis, who wrestles with a newfound fire as he dismantels the big bully. The RTC tries a bumrush after the match's closing bell, but the APA, true to their word, provides some back-up muscle to drive the white-shirted worms back into their holes.

 

Regal replaces the last piece of upturned furniture in his office and sits down to enjoy a new cup of tea, only for the door to burst open again. This time, it is Undertaker, who proceeds to undo all the repair-work done by Regal. Undertaker reminds Regal of his decimation of Angle at Fully Loaded the previous summer, and his being the victim of Vince McMahon's persecution and false accusations. Like his previous two visitors, Regal tells Undertaker that all requests for matches with Angle are under the same consideration, and he will deliver a decision on matches, as well as the WrestleMania main event, on Raw the following week. Undertaker gives Regal a warning on the way out: if Regal screws him around like Vince did, Regal will be taking his tea through an IV.

 

Malenko and Saturn are given marching orders from Vince McMahon before they go to the ring: cripple their opponents at all costs. Guerrero and Show try to counter by sending in the big man to soften up the opponents, but, knowing the wheels of the giant are his weak points, The Radicals zero in on Show's knees and chop him down to size. When Show finally tags into Guerrero, the fiery Latino cleans house, but his bid for gold comes unglued by the unwanted interference of Kane, who draws the DQ by chokeslamming Guerrero almost out of his boots. As Big Show struggles to get to his feet, Kane gets some back-up from an unexpected source: Test, who kicks Show's head into next Tuesday. The Hardys and The Dudleys come down and help clean house, but quickly come to blows of their own. When the brawl between the rival teams spills into the back, Edge & Christian, lying in wait, use chairs to drop the two teams of brothers like stones in a lake.

 

Yet again, Commissioner Regal finds himself resetting the office furniture after a wrestler's tantrum. He rights the final chair, sets the pillow properly and turns around right into the face of The Rock, his eyes hidden by sunglasses. Regal sighs and looks up, waiting for Rock's inevitable tirade in the spirit of the last three he's faced, but instead, The Rock stands motionless, wordless, gazing from behind the mirrored lenses, the seconds dragging by as the silence, for Regal, becomes unnerving. Finally, he explodes. "Yes, yes, I'm considering you as well! Really, this kind of harassment is more then I should be forced to endure! How would you like it if I stalked you night and day and made demands?"

 

The Rock raises an eyebrow. "The Rock doesn't know what the hell you're talking about. The Rock just wants to know if the WWF officials are going to apologize for throwing mud on the good name of The Rock."

 

Regal stands, mouth agape, unable to move for a second. He blinks a couple times, coughs and offers a hand. "Yes, Rock. You deserve as much. For the errors commited by both my administration and the prior in falsely accusing you of the hit-and-run assault on Stone Cold, I hope you can accept my apology."

 

Rock looks at Regal's hand a moment, then clasps it strongly. As Regal is about to release, Rock clasps it harder and pulls the Commissioner closer. "The Rock had better be getting thought of to beat Kurt Angle's jabroni ass at WrestleMania." Rock releases the hand and walks away.

 

Vince's disdain for wrestling with Chris Benoit, the co-conspirator of Kurt Angle, the master of his company's misery for well over a year, is palpable as he approaches the ring. Conversely, Benoit approaches the ring with an evil, twisted grin, and the reasons behind it come to surface not long after the bell rings: Benoit drops down to the floor, refusing to tag in. When Vince barks at Benoit and orders him in, Benoit flips off the chairman and asks snidely; "This isn't the opportunity I left Atlanta for, asshole!" But the two-on-one advantage quickly disappears, as Regal chases Benoit up the ramp and into the back. In the ring, Vince gets help from his soldiers, who lay waste to the disowned McMahon son, drawing a DQ Vince couldn't care less about. Vince and his soldiers leave Shane a bloodied, broken heap, cackling as they walk up the ramp.

 

In the back, the police intercept Benoit and keep Regal from attacking him, citing a protective order against the Commissioner. Benoit laughs as the police give him escort to a waiting police vehicle for safe transport away from the arena, only for the vehicle to be rammed at high speed by a Lincoln. As Benoit frantically, and unsuccessfully, tries to find a way out of the back of the cop car, the door opens on the Lincoln; out steps Kurt Angle, brandishing a crowbar. Screaming about betrayal the entire time, Angle hammers the windows and car; when a cop tries to subdue the WWF Champion, Angle throws them into the car or a nearby tractor trailer.

 

But as Angle reaches in to try and grab Benoit by the hair, another person, Stone Cold Steve Austin, comes out of the darkness and breaks a shovel over the back of Angle's head. Wordlessly, like a serial killer focusing on his victim, Austin lays into Angle's fallen body with the shovel handle. It isn't until over twenty arena security guards and a platoon of WWF Superstars pull Austin away from Angle does Austin finally say anything, only it's directed to Commissioner Regal: a promise that, if doesn't get Angle at WrestleMania, Angle will be the first WWF Champion to die while holding the belt.

 

Raw: Mar. 5, '01

 

Jim Ross pimps the marquee matches for Raw as Vince McMahon saunters down to the ring: an 8-man tag pitting Kane, Test, and the WWF Tag Champs against Eddie Guerrero, Big Show, and two partners of their choosing; Undertaker & Rock teaming up against Raven & Tazz; Triple H against Steven Richards; Val Venis taking on The Goodfather; and the main event, a first-ever for the WWF: a steel cage lumberjack match, pitting Kurt Angle against Chris Benoit in a non-title match. Vince's brow is furrowed, his stride forceful and angry.

 

"Last week on Smackdown," begins Vince, "the biggest mystery in WWF history came unglued. Kurt Angle, working with Chris Benoit and the Right To Censor, ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin, manipulated the investigation which led to the termination of an acceptable WWF Commissioner and the framing of an innocent man, tore apart a marriage with deception and trickery, and rigged a Royal Rumble. I may not have any love for any of the victims in this tragedy, but the fact remains that these men saw fit to pervert and poison my company! Do you know how it makes me feel ... how ... how ... dirty it makes me feel, to know that this simpleton, this meathead, this, this mere wrestler single-handedly pulled the wool over everyone's eyes!" The crowd cheers the sentiment, even if the source is less then the crowd's favorite person. "And all this would not have happened, had I, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, not had been so distracted by fighting non-stop for control over my own company with my gold-digging wife, my idiot children and that insipid Commissioner! And that is why, at WrestleMania 17, I will solve this problem once and for all; I will, in one fell swoop, flush out the toxins that are plaguing this proud company, and I will restore the pride and the stature that have been lost in the shadow of this past year and a half, and I will do that by fighting my son, Shane McMahon, in a Street Fight, and when I beat him within an inch of his life and drive him out of this company, I will finally be able to bring some order to this cha--"

 

Vince's words abruptly stop as his eyes catch sight of someone in the crowd. Vince's eyes turn into huge white orbs, his jaw almost falling off its hinges as he looks on at the person in the front row. The camera follows his gaze, and when the person's face appears on the screen, the arena falls silent with shock at the sight of the mad scientist of ECW, Paul Heyman, sitting front row at Monday Night Raw. Vince's mouth tries to make words, but on the first few tries, he can't find his breath. Finally, a whisper passes through his lips. "Wha-wha-what are you doing here?" Heyman doesn't move in his seat, not even a twitch of the lip, so Vince repeats himself, this time with a little more force. "What are you doing here? Dammit, I asked you a question, what do you think you're doing here?" Heyman remains as still as a statue in his chair, incensing Vince further. "Get your ass in here, Heyman, and answer me!"

 

Heyman slowly stands, smoothing out his familiar leather trenchcoat as he stands. He smiles politely, then offers a response in the form of two middle fingers. "I don't work for you, Vince!" he yells. "I don't answer to you!" Heyman sits back down, the smile disappearing as he crosses his arms and glares at Vince. Vince barks for security, but Heyman flashes his ticket, burying any threat security could pose. Finally, Vince drops down to the floor, walks up to Heyman and demands an explanation for his presence.

 

"I don't owe you anything, Vince," says Heyman calmly. He stands up, smooths out his jacket again, and continues. "But, since you asked, I'll tell you: I'm a businessman. I'm a businessman, like you, and like you, I'm in the business of promoting wrestling. So, naturally, I'm here ... on business."

 

Vince flushes. "Business ..." Vince gulps, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down what looks like a foot. "Business with ... who?"

 

"Business, Vince. I'm here looking at business opportunities." Heyman sits back down, crossing his arms. Vince walks away, staggering and nearly tripping over his own feet, his face as white as a sheet of paper, as Heyman watches the WWF Chairman stammer back to the back like a nauseated drunk.

 

The in-ring action kicks off with Val Venis' second stage in his fight through the RTC to get to Steven Richards, taking on The Goodfather (although the announcers spend more time speculating about why Heyman is at Raw). Unlike the mistake of keeping the troops back when Venis defeated Bull Buchanan, Richards, Buchanan and Ivory make sure their presence, and their threat, at ringside is blatant. The APA, true to their word, keep a watch on Venis' back and, as the match progresses, run interference when the RTC tries to stop what quickly becomes inevitable: another win by Venis, netting him a Hardcore Title match on Smackdown.

 

Vince's soldiers take to the ring for the eight-man tag match. Guerrero and Big Show stand on the stage as they await their chosen partners for the colossal confrontation: The Dudleys. With the masters of tables and hardcore action alongside, the foursome take to the ring like a stampede of bulls, clearing the ring to start off the match. The referee finds himself overwhelmed with eight angry men ready to throw down, and the match is a donnybrook before long. The Dudleys end up scoring the 3-D on Perry Saturn, taking the pinfall for their team. As Vince's troops back up the ramp, cursing their enemies, Bubba grabs a microphone and challenges Malenko & Saturn to a WWF Tag Title match at WrestleMania. Before The Radicals can answer, Edge & Christian come through the crowd and drop their hated rivals with chair shots to the backs of their heads. Edge & Christian grab the microphones and are about to declare themselves the rightful number one contenders until The Hardy Boys charge in and drive them from the ring.

 

Commissioner Regal enters the ring, his demeanor serious. "The disturbing revelations by Chris Benoit about WWF Champion Kurt Angle's involvement in multiple conspiracies against other WWF Superstars have causes me much concern," says Regal. "Equally troubling is the issue that, to avoid a title defense at WrestleMania, Kurt Angle defied WWF regulations and entered himself under a mask and won the Royal Rumble, ensuring no number-one contender." Regal looks to the entrance ramp and says; "At this time, I'd request that the five gentlemen who petitioned me for favor on Smackdown last week come down to the ring."

 

One by one, Regal is joined by Chris Jericho, Triple H, Undertaker, The Rock and Steve Austin. All five stand in the ring, looking as if they'd prefer being anywhere else but the ring. "All five of you do indeed have outstanding cases for being the person to challenge Kurt Angle for the WWF Title at WrestleMania. And I assure you that my decision was not reached with ease. I--"

 

Undertaker leans forward and rips the microphone out of Regal's hand. "All I wanna know is, if it ain't me, when I get to beat your uptight ass? Cause if anyone deserves it--"

 

"It's me, junior!" says Jericho as he steals the microphone. "Nobody's been made to look like a bigger--"

 

Triple H snatches the microphone, but before he can say anything, Rocky shoves him, causing him to drop the microphone. Rock and Triple H get nose to nose, trading insults until Austin grabs the microphone. "I lost a damn year of my life cause of that son of a bitch, so y'all can get in line for an ass-kicking after I break the bastard's neck," says Austin.

 

Regal snatches the microphone back. "That's quite bloody enough, all of you!" he yells. "The lot of you better settle down before I send all of you home for WrestleMania and give the title shot to Earl Hebner!" The group of Superstars finally settle and focus on the Commissioner, all still looking ancy, but at the very least, no longer at each other's throats. "I've reached what I believe to be a fair and just decision. Firstly, to prevent any kind of undue influence from outside sources, and because of the severity of the issues involved, I have decided that WrestleMania will have its first World Wrestling Federation Championship defense in a Hell In A Cell match, and it will be defended against ..." Regal pauses, looking at the tableau of expectant faces, then out into the frenzied crowd. "Kurt Angle will defend against ... all five of you."

 

The five men, all linked as victims of Angle's treachery and Machiavellian planning, now look at each other with new faces: those of opponents, roadblocks to both exacting personal vengeance on the diabolical Angle and to capturing the WWF Title. But the shock of the situation hasn't even wore off before Chris Benoit is out on stage, looking absolutely enraged.

 

"How dare you overlook me?" Benoit opines. "This is the discrimination, the bias that this company has shown since I arrived here! I earned a shot at Kurt Angle, and I damn well expect--"

 

Benoit's whiny tantrum gets cut off by none other then Angle himself, who rips the microphone from Benoit's hands. "You think you got it bad? All you gotta do at WrestleMania is make that freakishly pale Commissioner tap out, and your night is done! I gotta beat five men inside a Hell In A Cell!" Angle looks at Regal. "You'll be hearing from my attorney. That is an unsafe working condition you've placed me in."

 

Austin grabs the microphone from Regal to respond. "If you hadn't pissed the five of us off so bad, you wouldn't find yourself in an 'unsafe working condition'. So if you got a complaint, you stupid son of a bitch, why don't you come on down here and make it?"

 

"Oh, no, I'm not that stupid. You'll be lucky if I even come to WrestleMania, after this ... this ... farce!" Angle drops the microphone and goes to leave, but Benoit steps in his way. Angle tells him to step aside and tries to walk around, but Benoit again blocks the way. Benoit taps the belt on Angle's shoulder, then makes a belt motion across his own waist. Angle feigns turning away, then turns back and shoves Benoit. Benoit chuckles, pulls the same feint, but instead of coming back with a push, unleashes with a flurry of knife-edge chops across Angle's chest. Angle is too stunned to fire back, and with his now-assumed position of the most reviled man in the company, nobody is eager to come to his aid as Benoit raises welts and nearly draws blood chopping into Angle's chest. Angle finally manages to escape when he's dropped to his knees and crawls through Benoit's legs like a baby, scurrying for the back, leaving his title belt behind. Before Benoit can boast, though, the ring empties, sending Benoit looking for higher ground.

 

A pre-match demand by Raven and Tazz to fight under hardcore rules is quickly agreed upon by their opponents, Undertaker and Rock, and the weaponry and impliments come pouring out from under the ring, around it, and from Raven's ever-present shopping cart. Yet, while Rock and Undertaker have a size and power advantage, and are no strangers to weaponry, they cannot overcome miscommunication and timely errors on their part, including a devestating shot with a cookie sheet that flattens the People's Champ and gives Raven the opportunity to DDT Rock into a stop sign while Tazz occupies Undertaker for the three-count.

 

A variety of WWF Superstars, from the lowliest of preliminary talent to upper echelon icons, file down to the ringside area, surrounding the caged ring. And, in a sign of clever decision-making by Commissioner Regal, the Superstars chosen as lumberjacks include no one with a vested interest in the match, nor a personal grudge with either Angle or Benoit. Nevertheless, as first Benoit, and then Angle, pass through the crowd and into the cage, they have to endure hostile glares from their peers. As soon as the door closes, Angle and Benoit tear into each other, skipping their technical and amateur prowess for trying to cut the other in half with chops. But when either man try to leave the cage, they are met with stern glares and crossed arms from the lumberjacks, a direct counter to the intention of the lumberjacks. Finally, after numerous attempts to escape are met with simmering hostility, Angle mouths off to one of the lumberjacks; the result becomes an instantly iconic visual, as Benoit and Angle look on like a rat trapped in the corner by a hungry cat as the 20 lumberjacks storm the cage through the door and over the walls. The officials try to bring the situation to order, but the lumberjacks won't be stopped by bell-ringing or 90 pound referees. Once the WWF Champion and his former co-conspirator have been left in heaps on the mat, the lumberjacks file out orderly, up the ramp towards a waiting Steve Austin, with a wad of money in hand and a huge smile on his face.

 

Smackdown: Mar. 8, '01

 

Steve Austin against Chris Benoit, The Rock and Undertaker challenging for the WWF Tag Titles, and Val Venis finally getting his hands on Steven Richards in a Hardcore Title match are just three matches that highlight a huge Smackdown on the Road To WrestleMania.

 

But it is the WWF Champion who opens the show, coming out with a phalanx of guards. Instead of his normal singlet and the ominpresent gold medals, he is in a suit. "When I came to the WWF, I was kind enough to share my insight about the Three I's with all of you common people: Integrity, Intensity and Intelligence. But when I met the so-called Superstars in the WWF, I realized that not a one of them possessed any of the Three I's." Angle holds up a finger. "The Rock, for example. Rude, crude, abusive, and ... what is with that speaking in the third person? Is he delusional? I mean, sheesh, did he eat paint chips as a kid or something? He sure doesn't have Intelligence, and with how he treats that poor Kevin Kelly just because he's mentally retarded, that's a sign of no Integrity!" Angle holds up a second finger. "Then there's Undertaker. I mean, the guy rides a motorcycle to the ring; indoor pollution, both air and noise! And let's not forget what kind of laziness it takes to ride a motorcycle down the entrance ramp! And he chews tobacco! He doesn't have any one of the The Three I's!" Angle proceeds to hold up more fingers as he names off more people. "Triple H, he's an abusive lunatic with no care or concern for women ... Chris Jericho is a raving madman with a poor grasp of English ... but then again, what should we expect from a Canadian? And then there's Stone Cold Steve Austin, who is such a mess of problems, he barely qualifies as a human being! That's why I worked so hard to get rid of these people, and for all my hard work, not only do you people boo me--and I'm an Olympic hero, you traitors!--but the WWF Commissioner puts me in mortal danger by booking me in a six-man Hell In A Cell match at WrestleMania?" Angle shakes his head. "Well, tonight, I'm putting my foot down. I will not be put in danger tonight, or any other night, because of the bias and the ungratefulness of the WWF front office. I am here to announce I will not be appearing on any WWF programming between now and WrestleMania, and I have filed a formal protest against my title defense at WrestleMania. I am confident that I can get it reduced to a proper one-on-one match, or perhaps cancelled altogether. For the egregious error in judgment committed by the WWF in allowing those corrupt lumberjacks to manhandle me like they did on Monday Night Raw, it is the least they can do!" Angle nods as if adding punctuation to his statement, then proclaims; "Well, that about covers it. See you in April!"

 

William Regal's music and appearence on the stage cuts off Angle's retreat. "Kurt, Kurt, Kurt. I'm to be the bearer of bad news for you, I'm afraid," he says with a smile that contradicts his words. "Protest all you like, but not only are you the holder of the World Wrestling Federation Title, but you're also contracted to make a certain number of appearence for this company, and I'm afraid we cannot have the WWF Champion taking time off in the weeks before WrestleMania, especially at the detriment of not defending the title for over a month." Regal's grin grows wider. "Because, if memory serves, a champion who does not defend his title within 30 days is within rights to be stripped of said title. And we simply cannot have a vacant championship going into WrestleMania, just as much as we cannot have a WrestleMania with a champion!"

 

"Yeah, well, my lawyer--"

 

Regal's demeanor switches from maliciously jubilant to ice cold. "I've already spoken with your barrister, and I've made it perfectly clear to him the legalities of the situation. When you speak with that schyster, I assure you, he'll make it perfectly clear you've not a leg to stand on. So either I will see you at every Raw and Smackdown between now and WrestleMania, or so help me God, I will not only will I relieve you of the title, but I'll slap the skin clean off your bones, sunshine!"

 

Angle tries to produce a comeback, but his throat only lets out unintelligible grunts and wordless noises. Regal is about to turn away when he stops and throws out; "It occurs to me that, frankly, the people are sick of seeing you sullying that prestigious title, and so am I. So I expect to see you in that ring, defending your title tonight." Regal pauses, an evil sneer on his lips. "Against me."

 

The crowd loves the suggestion but, upon returning to his office, Regal runs into five people who don't: Angle's Hell In A Cell opponents. Triple H steps forward first, his eyes electric with anger. "What in the hell was that, William?" The group concurs and is on the verge of getting rowdy before Regal urges them to calm down.

 

"You have to understand, Kurt Angle frustrated me and backed me into a corner. I had to teach the miserable little toerag a lesson."

 

Austin steps up, leaning over the desk, his gaze that of a lion toward a gazelle. "Well, all I hear is, you just got yourself a title shot. Which means, if you win, my title shot at WrestleMania goes up in smoke! I want Kurt Angle, and I want the title, and I want 'em at WrestleMania, Regal!"

 

"I understand, Steven. All of you, I sympathize. And I promise you, regardless of the outcome of tonight's WWF Title match, you all will get your shot with Kurt Angle. If I win, though, we will determine a new number one contender--a single number one contender--and as for Kurt Angle, you'll all just have to take turns exacting your revenge."

 

Val Venis' long-awaited Hardcore Title shot at Steven Richards turns into a fiasco, as having a concrete time announced for a Hardcore Title defense invites others to utilize the 24/7 rule. Richards loses the belt three times, none of which are to Venis, until his Right To Censor brethren stick their nose into the proceedings and clear out the uninvited challengers. The APA come to the rescue, but not in time to save Venis from taking a three-on-one pounding en route to a defeat. As the RTC walk up the ramp, boastful like they won the Super Bowl, Faarooq and Bradshaw get on the microphone and make a challenge: once and for all, a six-man tag at WrestleMania, Venis and the APA against the Right To Censor. Buchanan opens his mouth and accepts before Richards can stop him, to which Richards flies off into a rage, berating his underling as they disappear into the back.

 

A scheduled match between Big Show and Kane never gets off the ground, as Kane ambushes the behemoth on the entrance ramp. The attack draws out Eddie Guerrero, who attacks Kane with a lead pipe. Before Guerrero can get too proud of his ambush victory, Test evens the odds and extinguishes Latino Heat with a boot in the face, then gets in a few licks on Big Show.

 

A chance at some revenge is given to Chris Jericho and Triple H when they are partnered up to face off against Bull Buchanan and The Goodfather of Right To Censor. The holier-than-thou conservative troop takes it for granted that Jericho and Triple H, rivals from way back and a pinfall by Jericho still fresh in Triple H's mind, won't be able to co-exist, and initially, they're right. However, the RTC's cockiness opens the door for their opponents' quest for vengeance, giving Jericho and Triple H the chance to stage the comeback and score simultaneous pinfalls off of a Lionsault and a Pedigree. But the unity vanishes as quick as it came in as Triple H sucker punches Jericho to the shock of the crowd. Kevin Kelly catches Triple H on the way to the back and asks why he would turn on Jericho so ruthlessly.

 

"You need to understand some basic fundamentals, fatboy," snaps Triple H. "For me to 'turn' on Chris Jericho implies I was friends with him at some point. I didn't ask to be partnered with him tonight, or on any other night it's been forced on us. We both got screwed by the Right To Censor, so Regal gave us the shot at revenge. At WrestleMania, Chris Jericho isn't helping me beat Kurt Angle; he wants to beat Kurt Angle just as much as I do. Don't be so stupid as to think he forgot about that. I know I haven't." Triple H walks away, leaving Kevin Kelly's follow-up questions unanswered.

 

As Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler run down the established card for WrestleMania thus far, the production team messages them that cameras have found Paul Heyman in the front row again, sitting quietly in his trademark trenchcoat and ECW ballcap. Heyman brushes off the inquiries of Kevin Kelly, leaving all the questions around his presence still a mystery. But Kevin Kelly's failure to get answers doesn't stop someone else from trying: Trish Stratus, who makes her appeals for information all the more alluring by wearing her most revealing and low-cut top and leaning over the guard rail so Heyman has a good view of her cleavage. Heyman only gives the ample chest of Trish and her words half an eye before Trish is pulled away by Stephanie and Shane McMahon. Stephanie hauls off with a slap that puts Trish on the ground, as Shane warns Trish to keep her nose out of the WWF's business dealings. Shane goes to shake hands with Heyman and apologize, but Heyman keeps his arms crossed and stays seated.

 

Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn come down to the ring for their scheduled WWF Tag Title defense against The Rock and Undertaker, but before their opponents come down, Malenko grabs a microphone. He and Saturn brag about how they are the company's best wrestlers, handpicked by Vince McMahon to represent technical superiority in the tag ranks, and that the hardcore "slop artists" like the Dudleys, the Hardys and Edge & Christian can go muck about in their brawls while their reign will continue until the end of time. The boasting draws out Commissioner Regal, who asks if the tag champs believe their technical prowess can overcome the teams they've managed anytime, anyplace; when Malenko and Saturn assure Regal that, yes, their skills can put down "any idiot with a chair or a ladder or a table", Regal informs them they'll get the opportunity to prove their point at WrestleMania, in a four-way TLC match against the Hardys, the Dudleys and Edge & Christian.

 

The announcement puts Malenko and Saturn out of sorts for their title defense, a fact that Rock and Undertaker exploit to pulverize the tag champs at will. But, once again, miscommunication and the old enmity comes back to bite the challengers in the ass, leading to Saturn getting a pin on The Rock by way of a shot to the head with the title belt. Once the champs leave, Rock, still groggy, demands to know where Undertaker was when Saturn used the belt to ring Rock's bell; Undertaker responds by turning away, but Rock pulls him back. Putting his hands on the Dead Man earns Rock a chokeslam.

 

When the ring announcer proclaims it time for the main event WWF Title defense, there is an air in the arena that this might just be the night. When Angle comes to the ring looking a deer in headlights, and Regal comes down looking focused and lethal, the anticipation is almost palpable ... until the ring announcer adds that the special referee for the match will be Vince McMahon. With no love lost between Vince and Regal, and Angle being the source of a major headache for the chairman, the mood in the building is not only one of fear but confusion as to whom, if anyone, Vince will favor. From the opening bell, it looks like Vince won't have a choice, as Regal lights into Angle like a hurricane, peppering the champ with strikes, suplexes and stretches. But it quickly becomes apparent that Regal is not the chosen one in the match, as Regal's numerous attempts to secure a submission go unattended by Vince. Angle manages to turn the tide and score some desperation offense, but Vince, scowling from the corner, does nothing to render a decision in Angle's favor either. It is only after Regal and Angle put each other down with a double-clothesline that Vince finally takes action: executing a hyper-quick 10-count. Before he can get to 10, however, Shane slides in and starts arguing with Vince. The bickering McMahons give ample time for Benoit to come down and attack both Angle and Regal, but Benoit's interference comes to a crashing halt when Steve Austin jumps in and drops him with a Stunner. By the time Austin is done, everyone, save Angle, has eaten a Stunner, and Angle is backed into a corner, trembling in horror as Austin approaches ever so slowly. Before Austin can strike, though, the locker room empties to hold Austin back. Austin fights as much as he can against the almost 20 people forming a blockade between him and Angle, but Angle renders it unnecessary by making a run for it through the crowd. Out of frustration, Austin nails a few of the people in the human wall with Stunners before leaving.

 

Raw: Mar. 12, '01

 

With less than four weeks to go before the biggest show on the WWF schedule, and the WWF on the brink of collapsing into full-scale war, the matches booked for Raw seem poised to push the federation over the line: Kane takes on Stone Cold Steve Austin; Dean Malenko & Perry Saturn launch a three-match series against their WrestleMania opponents, seeking to out-do their rivals in their own specialty matches, starting with a Tables match with The Dudley Boys; and, in the main event, a disaster waiting to happen, with Triple H and Chris Jericho thrust together, taking on the equally dysfunctional pair of Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle.

 

Raw starts with an appearence by the McMahon children, who thank everyone for their kind words and support shown towards their mother. Shane vows that, after WrestleMania, when he defeats his father and removes him from power in the WWF, he and his sister will restore the pride in the WWF by working with Commissioner William Regal to bring the chaos back under control; problem number one, they declare, will be exacting swift and decisive punishment on Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit for their roles in numerous conspiracies against multiple WWF Superstars. When Shane's eyes fall on Paul Heyman, again seated in the front row, Shane adds that, after his father is vanquished, he will reach out and work with people like Paul Heyman instead of crushing them, buying them out or bankrupting them like his father did in the 80's.

 

Trish Stratus' music cuts off Stephanie before she can go off on a rant about her father; the vixen, dressed as trampy as ever, walking vampishly to the ring. Shane has to hold onto Stephanie's wrist to keep her from tearing Trish's hair out at the scalp, something Trish catches onto and taunts Stephanie mercilessly. And to drive the nail in deeper, Trish has the production truck post stills from No Way Out, showing Stephanie running for the locker room with her clothes in tatters. Trish mocks Stephanie's figure, saying it can't match up to a fitness model like herself, and that, after Vince McMahon emerged victorious from WrestleMania, the WWF would have a woman in charge with beauty as well as brains.

 

Shane's retort dies in his throat as, coming up from behind through the crowd, Vince's troops descend on the McMahon kids. Even Stephanie is not safe; her lights are put out with a chokeslam from Big Show, while Shane is hammered senseless by everyone. Vince strides down the ramp and joins in the fun, getting in some cheap shots as Shane is held up by Malenko and Saturn. After getting in a few licks, Vince picks up the microphone. "What you've seen here is a preview of what my crusade will accomplish at WrestleMania! I will destroy Shane, I will drive my kids out of this company once and for all, and once I've accomplished that, I will rid this company of the poisons and the toxins that are coursing through its veins! Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, Steve Austin, Undertaker, Triple H ... they're all going! They will all be crushed! This is my company! My company, dammit! I rule this industry! I am this industry! Your lives would be even more shallow and empty and meaningless if it weren't for my accomplishments and contributions to the world!" Vince's wild-eyed glare falls on Heyman, who watches the tableau without expression. "And if you wanna do business with me, little man," screams Vince at Heyman, "you'll do it my way, you understand? If you want to survive in this business, you'll do business when I say, and how I say, or else ..." Vince turns to the graphic scene behind him, then turns back to Heyman, a sick smile on his face, his eyes blazing with madness.

 

With both the Hardys and Edge & Christian watching on monitors in the back, The Dudleys head to the ring for their Tables match against the Tag Team Champions. But as the match unfolds, it becomes apparent that Malenko & Saturn aren't accustomed to the extreme environment the Dudley brothers are used to, nor to the restrictions of a Tables match, as both Malenko and Saturn try to use submission holds to wear down the half-brothers. When the Dudleys manage to get the momentum and introduce the brawling/hardcore aspect into the match, the Tag Champs are overwhelmed, leading to Perry Saturn eating wood. In the back, the other two WrestleMania opponent teams seethe at the Dudleys' victory.

 

A collision of ideals, goals and personalities hits in a fatal-four-way: Test, Vince McMahon's newest hired thug, collides with Eddie Guerrero, a McMahon expatriate; Steven Richards, nemesis of most everyone in the WWF, including the administration and McMahon family; and William Regal, Commissioner of the WWF and rival of Vince. As soon as the bell rings, though, one commonality, among three of the four, becomes clear: disdain for Richards. The white-socked RTC leader gets torn limb from limb as Test, Guerrero and Regal take turns picking his bones clean, but the camraderie only lasts as long as the first pinfall attempt is made, when Test stomps Guerrero's head as Guerrero goes for the cover. From then on, it's every man for himself, as the three all take to beating each other while Richards lies beaten and broken on the floor. With no disqualifications in the match, the license to break the rules is taken by Kane, who pulls Guerrero to the floor and pounds him into a fine putty. Regal manages to get Test tied up in the Regal Stretch, but Richards, having sat out almost the entire body of the match, drags Guerrero back into the ring and pins him while Test is fighting to get to the ropes. When Regal argues with the ref, Chris Benoit comes in from behind, takes down the Commish and cinches in the Crippler Crossface until he's pulled off by officials.

 

When Richards retreats to the back, however, his joyful mood at stealing a victory disappears when he walks up to the door to the RTC's dressing room and sees it covered over with an APA sign. Richards' anxiety turns to horror when he opens the door: the APA and Val Venis are in the middle of the room, playing poker, smoking cigars and drinking beer. Hogtied to hooks in the ceiling are Bull Buchanan, The Goodfather and Ivory; Buchanan is minus a shirt, while Goodfather is down to his skivvies. The trio welcome Richards to the room and invite him to pull up a chair, as Venis informs Richards they're playing Substitute Strip Poker; just then, they all show their hands and Venis loses. Venis stands up and starts towards Ivory, rubbing his hands together like Snidely Whiplash. "What should I lose? Blouse ... or skirt?" Ivory starts thrashing and screeching like an angry parrot as Venis nears her. Richards grabs Venis' shoulder and wheels him around, but Faarooq and Bradshaw jump to their feet, sending the card table toppling over, warning him that he's going to get the beating of a lifetime for ruining their poker game. Richards weighs his options, then beats a hasty retreat from the room. Faarooq, Bradshaw and Venis consider their options for a moment and come to the agreement that the moment is lost, leaving the room, their prisoners still tied up.

 

Austin doesn't wait to be introduced or for the formalities of theme music; as soon as Kane hits the ring, Austin explodes from the back, knocking Kane to the ground as he goes through his pre-match pyro demonstration and stomping him repeatedly. Kane's fellow McMahon loyalists all race out one at a time to try and put a stop to the living hurricane that is Stone Cold, but Austin takes them down, one at a time, with Stunners and ejects them from the ring. Kane pulls himself up, but Austin drills him with a Stunner, then picks him up and nails a second Stunner and, after considering it for a moment, picks up Kane again and hits a third for the pin. Austin drops out of the ring, grabs a microphone and stands on JR & The King's announce table. "I'm pissed off!" he barks. "If I gotta beat every single damn sumbitch in that locker room back there till there's only me and Kurt Angle left, you can be your bottom dollar ol' Stone Cold is gonna do just that! I can't wait for WrestleMania no more, so Kurt Angle, this is your one and only warning: it's huntin' season, and I'm gonna bag me a big ol' Olympic jackass! I--"

 

As Austin speaks to the crowd behind the announce table, Kurt Angle sneaks down to the ringside area, behind Austin and, in one smooth motion, pops up on the table behind Austin, grabs him and drills him with an Angle Slam from one announce table to, and through, the other. Angle stands over Austin's body, breathing heavily, seething. Suddenly, Angle drops down, grabs Austin's ankle and twists, screaming wordlessly. Austin yells out in agony, mixing with the rage-filled screams of Angle until he releases the hold. But as Austin is helped away by officials, the damage is obvisous: he cannot put any weight on the foot whatsoever.

 

In the back, Rock watches the scene on a monitor in his dressing room, shaking his head. When the scene ends on the screen, he turns around, only to wind up face to face with Undertaker. "We got unfinished business, boy," says Undertaker with a sneer. "And if it wasn't unfinished before, the last week or so, I done owe you a piece."

 

The Rock's head cocks to the side like a dog. "You? Owe The Rock? You owe ... The Rock?" The Rock whips off his sunglasses, staring a hole through Undertaker's. "Let The Rock make one thing absolutely, perfectly, crystal clear. You don't owe The Rock anything. The Rock owes you. The Rock owes you ... a thank you." Undertaker lifts his sunglasses up on his head, his eyebrow raised as the only form of reply. "The Rock should thank you for reminding The Rock exactly what's important. You see, you stand here and you want a piece of The Rock. You wanna beat up The Rock. You don't like The Rock. The fact of the matter is ... you don't matter to The Rock. What happened, back at Survivor Series, ever since October, that's ancient history. That doesn't get The Rock anywhere. The Rock's been wasting time, tagging with you and fighting jabronis, when there's only one match, one opponent, one goal that matters to The Rock: WrestleMania 17. Hell In A Cell. Kurt Angle. Revenge. The WWF ... Championship. So The Rock says, if you got unfinished business with The Rock, if you got problems with The Rock, you can do like the other four jabronis in Hell In A Cell and get in line for a WrestleMania-sized ass-whipping. Hell, maybe they'll let you take cuts. Because, on that day, in that match, The Rock will be happy to lay the smack down on your candy ass. But until then, Undertaker ... you and The Rock ... there's nothing unfinished. There's nothing owed. There is nothing between you and The Rock."

 

The Rock turns back to the monitor, turning away from Undertaker, who grabs Rock by the back of the neck and hurls him head-first into the wall. Rock goes down in a heap, holding his head and neck as Undertaker gets in a few stomps. "It ain't over till I say it is, boy!" he yells as he puts the boots to Rock. When Rock doesn't stir anymore, Undertaker spits on him and walks off.

 

Nobody knows what to expect from the main event, aside from a lot of intensity and hostility, both across the ring and in the corners, and a dose of intra-team hostility starts things off as Angle and Benoit get into a shoving match over who will start. When both men step out onto the apron, both refusing to draw the short straw against Chris Jericho, the ref orders that if neither man will take the initiative, he will force one of them to start or disqualify the team. Angle drops to the floor; as Benoit yells at Angle for walking away, Jericho runs over and drags in the Intercontinental Champ and sets to work on him (and prompting Angle to pop back up on the apron). But when Jericho ventures near his own corner, Triple H tags in roughly, slapping Jericho on the back without warning. Angle offers no help as Triple H hammers Benoit with hard-hitting offense. But Triple H surprises everyone by picking up Benoit and throwing him into his own corner, ordering him to tag Angle. Benoit goes to tag, but Angle drops down to the floor again. Triple H jumps out, sending Angle scurrying around the ring, where he runs into Jericho. Angle begs for mercy as Jericho backs him up, unaware that approaching behind him is Triple H, now armed with a sledgehammer taken from under the ring. Jericho directs Angle to turn around, in time to get the head of the hammer right in the head. Triple H directs Jericho to take Angle into the ring; seeing the proceedings, Benoit bids a hasty retreat. Once inside, Jericho and Triple H show unity in pulverizing Angle, beating him until he's a limp rag, and they summarily toss him out. Undertaker comes down to pick the bones clean, but the crowd's attention is drawn back to the ring when Triple H turns and drills Jericho between the eyes with the sledgehammer. As Undertaker kicks away at Angle, The Rock, bandaged head and all, comes down the ramp, but Triple H intercepts and lays him out with a hammer blow. Undertaker's expression of gratitude is met with a split wig, leaving Triple H the only one standing, hammer in hand as an incredulous crowd looks on at the carnage caused by The Game.

 

Smackdown: Mar. 15, '01

 

Smackdown starts with Vince McMahon in the ring, accompanied by the WWF Tag Team Champions. The Chairman is all smiles, beaming with pride as he looks upon the audience that loathes him. "Once again, on Monday Night Raw," he proclaims, "I proved both my superior intellect and business acumen to all you common troglodytes." The crowd harangues him without mercy, but Vince continues undisturbed. "Once again, I crushed my son, Shane, into a fine paste, just like I will at WrestleMania, when I defeat him in the first-ever Father-Son Street Fight! I will stop at nothing to humiliate and bury him and drive him out of his company for good, just like I've done to every other person who's crossed my path ... just like I did that insignificant carny schyster, Paul Heyman! I killed his stupid little bingo hall company and I gave him a prime example of what's in his future if he--"

 

The crowd's stirring catches Vince's attention. "What's going on out there? Who is that?" he says as he spies a person coming down one of the stairwells in the audience. As the baseball cap and leather trenchcoat become clearer, Vince's expression darkens. No sooner is he calling for Heyman's ejection then Heyman is flashing a purchased ticket. Vince turns so red, steam is almost coming out of his ears. Suddenly, he drops to the floor, right in front of where Heyman will end up at the bottom of the stairs, his pet Tag Champs right behind. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Heyman? I don't care if you have a ticket or not, you have no business here!" Malenko adds a shove to punctuate Vince's words. "You have no business here, and you have no friends here, so I suggest you leave!" Saturn now gives Heyman a shove, which Heyman responds to by looking at Vince with unreadably cold eyes. Suddenly, a smirk breaks out on Heyman's face. "What're you smiling at, little man?" demands Vince. Vince and his cohorts turn around to see three people standing behind them: Shane McMahon and The Dudley Boys. Before any of them have time to register what's going on, Vince and his troops are taking a beating; Shane hammers on his father until Vince runs away like a scared child, with Shane chasing him all the way to the parking garage and into the safety of his limo, which speeds away from Shane before Vince can even close the door. But back in the ring, as the Dudleys are pounding down Malenko and Saturn, Edge and Christian, opponents for later in the evening of the tag champs in a chairs-are-legal match, slide in and waffle everyone in sight with chairs.

 

When Smackdown comes back from commercial, the Dudleys have been helped to the back, while the chairs match is underway, with the beaten Malenko & Saturn taking further punishment from the masters of the Con-chair-to. Edge and Christian have no moral qualms about employing the chairs from the opening bell, and after a few moves onto chairs--and shots from the chairs themselves--the match looks to be over as quickly as it begun. But the interjection of the Hardy brothers brings Edge and Christian's offense to a screeching halt, as the Hardys use chairs on the other set of brothers to drop them like stones. Malenko, worn out from the beating he's taken, crawls over and drapes an arm over the fallen body of Edge and gets the three count, making them 1-1 in their run of specialty matches.

 

Val Venis approaches the door to the locker room of his partner, Chyna, for later in the evening in a mixed tag against Steven Richards and Ivory. When a couple knocks don't get the door open, Venis opens it himself and finds Chyna out cold on the floor. Venis calls out for medics, who get to the fallen Ninth Wonder Of The World after Smackdown returns from commercial and cart her out on a gurney, leaving Venis without a partner for his match later.

 

A taped interview rolls, with Jim Ross talking to Triple H. Jim Ross thanks Triple H, who only snorts a reply. "Alright, then," JR says, "let's cut right to the chase. You attacked Chris Jericho with a sledgehammer without provocation on Raw. You then went on to attack Undertaker, Rock and Kurt Angle. Have you turned your back on the fans? What were you thinking?"

 

Triple H leans forward, looking through squinted eyes. "Let's get one thing straight, JR. I never asked for the fans to jump on my bandwagon. I didn't ask for them to cheer me, and I couldn't give a damn if they do. I'm doing what I have to do to get what I want."

 

"So getting what you want gives you license to go around and trying to bash people's skulls in with sledgehammers?"

 

"Let me tell you about the past year of my life. When I wasn't trying to keep the World Wrestling Federation Championship out of The Rock's hands, I was trying to keep Kurt Angle away from my wife. So, when that doesn't work, he sends his henchman, Chris Benoit, to stir up trouble; makes a little videotape. Ruins my marriage. Sends me off on a wild good chase, hunting Chris Jericho for months on end. I even gotta deal with my ex-brother-in-law. So when everything finally comes out, that Kurt Angle's been pullin' strings to keep ahold of the WWF Championship ... and he's cost me time, he's cost me blood, and he's cost me my marriage ... yeah, I think that gives me license to kill."

 

"But you just said it yourself: Kurt Angle did all this. Kurt Angle plotted with Chris Benoit and the Right To Censor. Kurt Angle manipulated you and Chris Jericho. Kurt Angle ruined your marriage. What does that have to do with Chris Jericho? Or The Rock? Or Undertaker?"

 

"It's real simple, JR: WrestleMania. William Regal's putting Kurt Angle in the ring, locked inside a Hell In A Cell, with five guys he screwed over. Guys he set up to take a fall, guys who he ruined the personal lives of, guys he tried to cripple. Kurt Angle's got a lot of enemies looking to take a piece of him, and get that WWF Title, too. I'll be damned if it's anybody but me ..." Triple H leans back and, from behind the chair, produces a sledgehammer, which he holds up in front of his face. "And if I gotta put the other four guys in comas to get my hands on Angle and the WWF Title, so be it."

 

A tag team match is scheduled, pitting Test and Kane against their WrestleMania opponents, Big Show and Eddie Guerrero, but the match is aborted when Eddie Guerrero and Show ambush Test and Kane as they come out of their locker room. The fight spills through a nearby catering area, where Big Show manages to put Test down for the count by chokeslamming him through a table, while Guerrero gets the better of Kane by shattering a pot of coffee on the Big Red Machine's head. Guerrero and Show get a few kicks in before leaving their foes amidst the ruined food spread.

 

Austin comes to the ring, sporting a small but detectable limp, his parting gift from Angle's savage attack on his ankle on Raw; the announcers point out that for Austin to come into a match with Chris Benoit, a superb technical and submission wrestler, with an exploitable weakness is sheer suicide. And, predictably, the leg and ankle is what Benoit targets from the opening bell. Austin manages to fight back for a little while, but every attack makes it harder for Austin to fight back. When Austin manages to whip Benoit in the ropes, he instinctively goes for the set-up kick to the gut for the Stunner, forgetting his leg is too weakened to use for kicking; Benoit catches the leg and twists, taking down Austin in a dragon whip. Benoit starts kicking away at the foot as Austin screams in pain, which draws down Commissioner William Regal, who pushes Benoit aside and checks on Austin's ankle. Benoit tries to pull Regal back, but Regal shoves him away and checks on Austin, then orders the ref to stop the match. Medics come to take Austin to the back, while starts yelling at Regal for screwing him out of his opportunity to defeat Austin and vault himself into a title shot. Regal and Benoit argue about Regal's decision, with Benoit demanding a title shot, since he was unfairly robbed of the shot he was promised by Angle, and equally robbed moments before. When Regal refuses to grant any such reward, Benoit rocks Regal with a sucker punch to the jaw, falls on the Commissioner and locks in the Crippler Crossface for what seems an eternity, and walks away with a fiendish grin.

 

Before the next match comes up, camera crews catch up with the medics as they examine Austin. Kevin Kelly asks what the initial prognosis is; he gets his answer when Austin screams like a dying cat as the medic turns his foot ever so slightly. Austin tries to shove the medic away when he suggests Austin go to the hospital for more thorough medical attention, but when Austin tries to stand, his ankle crumples as if it were made of balsa wood. Medics quickly scrounge up a gurney, load up Austin and take him to ambulance.

 

Steven Richards and Ivory, accompanied by Bull Buchanan and Goodfather, approach the ring. "Chyna is an amoral cancer on the fabric of American society, and a cancer on this company! Her reprehensible choice to prostitute herself to a magazine like Playboy is nothing short of vile! So, Val Venis, another disgusting fraud of a human being, a, a, a Judas ... since you don't have a partner, you can either come out here and forfeit like a coward, or you can take the beating you deserve!"

 

The slow, porn-like saxophone ushers out Val Venis, in his wrestling gear. "You know something, Steven Richards," says Venis, "you may have put out my partner, but I managed to find someone else who'd like to kick your sorry butt out of the WWF!" Venis looks to the entrance, and is soon joined by his new partner: Stephanie McMahon. Venis and Stephanie charge the ring, and, for the first few minutes of the match, Richards and Ivory are rocked back on their heels by the fire and fury of their opponents. But the numbers game quickly takes over, and, despite a late comeback attempt after Stephanie gets the hot tag to Venis, the timely interference from Richards' underlings proves the deciding factor in Richards getting the pinfall on Venis. The APA come out, hobbling and holding their heads, the obvious victims of a pre-match beatdown, and though they are weakened and unlikely to make much of a difference, Buchanan and Goodfather waste no time in crushing them, while Richards and Ivory humiliate their fallen foes.

 

The long-standing enmity between Undertaker and The Rock explodes in the main event, as they bend every rule to the breaking point in their quest to destroy each other. The referee, wisely seeing that there is no sense in trying to maintain control when the wrestlers are hellbent on maiming each other, steps aside and lets the match turn into something of an undeclared street fight. As the fight spills into the aisle, Triple H stalks down it, sledgehammer in hand; Chris Jericho comes up from behind and takes down Triple H, dropping the hammer, which Undertaker picks up drives into Rock's stomach, which is finally enough for the ref to signal the DQ. Jericho and Triple H go at it until Undertaker levels The Game with his own hammer, then, without warning, grabs Jericho and tosses him into the steel steps head-first. Trying to take advantage, Kurt Angle races down to ringside, but Undertaker catches him in a choke, then switches his grip, hoists Angle over his shoulder and plants him with a Tombstone on the floor. It is an eerie harkoning to Raw only nights before, but instead of Triple H standing over his fallen Hell In A Cell opponents as Raw closes out, it is Undertaker, the last man standing amongst a ringside area full of bodies.

 

Raw: Mar. 19th, '01

 

Kurt Angle walks down the aisle as if he's the marshal of a parade, even though the crowd's reception is anything but pleasant. "Despite the fact that my lawsuit to stop this ridiculous match at WrestleMania was thrown out," he opines, "and despite the fact that I'm obviously being locked in there with a bunch of homicidal maniacs, I'm a happy camper. That's right, I'm a happy camper, and all because I applied a little bit of one of the Three I's: Intelligence. You see, I started to think about things, and I realized something: Undertaker and Rock hate each other. Hunter and Y2J, they hate each other. They're so busy trying to kill each other, I've practically fallen through the cracks!"

 

The music of Chris Benoit cuts in, ushering in the Intercontinental Champion, who storms down to the ring with a chip on his shoulder you could see from space. He gets right up in Angle's face, who takes a step back and waves the air. "Whoa, Chris, breath mint!" he says. Benoit gets up close again, his lip curled up in a snarl.

 

"You owe me," growls Benoit. "Again."

 

Angle looks completely clueless. "Um, what? I don't remember owing you once, let alone twice."

 

Without warning, Benoit snatches Angle by the gold medals, his grip so tight, it nearly strangles the WWF Champion. Through gritted teeth, Benoit spits out: "I put Stone Cold on the shelf! He won't even make it to WrestleMania! I did you a favor, Angle, so the least you can do is give me a fair title shot!"

 

Angle shoves Benoit back, breaking the grip on the medals. "Hey, listen, Mr. Gimme Gimme Gimme! I got more then enough people wanting a title shot! This isn't Halloween, and title shots aren't candy necklaces that I can hand out willy-nilly!"

 

"Then why don't you let me make you tap out tonight, and I'll earn one the hard way!"
Angle looks incredulous. "So ... you want to face me ... again ... and lose to me ... again ... to prove, what? That you're still the second-best wrestler in the company?" Angle shakes his head. "Thanks, but I can think of better things to do tonight."

 

"So can I, sunshine," says William Regal from the stage. The crowd pops for the Commissioner. "For a week, now, all I've seen from either one of you is dirty, underhanded sneak attacks and bickering like children. Well, frankly, I won't stand for this one minute longer. Kurt Angle, if you want to get in some punishment early on your WrestleMania opponents, then that's just what you'll do, tonight, in a non-title confrontation; you, and Undertaker, and The Rock, and Triple H, and Chris Jericho." Benoit is about to pipe up when Regal shuts him down with a look that could stop, start and re-stop a clock. "And since you're so bloody determined to insert yourself into the proceedings, Christopher, you'll be involved as well. And since Stone Cold Steve Austin isn't medically cleared to compete tonight, you can hold your grievances with him, as he will be officiating your match as a special referee." Both Angle and Benoit open their mouths to protest, but Regal kills the words dead in their throats. "And if the two of you utter so much as a syllable of dischord, I will remove you from the match, Chris Benoit, and I will put that title on the line, Kurt Angle! Am I understood?" Regal leaves before they can answer, leaving Benoit and Angle to argue over who got them stuck in this horrible predicament.

 

Two vignettes air back to back, the first showing Shane McMahon arriving at the sanitarium where his mother is being kept. With a heavy sigh, Shane goes through the front doors and is escorted by hospital personnel towards Linda's private room.

 

Following that is a video of Steve Austin's visit to an orthopedic doctor over the weekend. X-rays are shown and the injury is discussed as footage of the two incidents that put Austin on the shelf--Angle's initial attack on Austin's ankle, and the Benoit match from Smackdown--rolls. The doctor says Austin has severely strained muscles and tendons, and two hairline fractures in his foot from the attacks. The doctor warns Austin that to compete in the ring at any point in the next two months would risk the possibility of a full muscle tear or a fracture of bone. Austin receives the news in silence, visibily seething as his WrestleMania dreams--revenge on Kurt Angle, recapturing the WWF World Title--slips through his fingers like sand.

 

Dean Malenko & Perry Saturn head to the ring, giving ominous looks to the structure sitting at the end of the ramp: a ladder, the central device to their match against The Hardys. The brothers dazzle the tag champs with their ability to use a ladder as both a weapon and as a device to augment their high-risk offensive arsenal. Malenko and Saturn manage to get a brief edge, but it evaporates as the Hardys use their ladder skills against the tag champs. And when Edge and Christian make the surprising attack on the champs with chairs, all the Hardys have to do is climb ... but the Dudleys tip the ladder, sending the Hardys crashing to the mat. When Edge and Christian see the Dudleys are on the scene, the two brotherly teams collide, leaving the race to capture the briefcase hanging from the hook between two teams that have both been decimated. Matt Hardy and Saturn are the first to their feet, stablizing the ladder and climbing opposite sides; when they both get to the top, they trade blows until Matt locks on the Side Effect and they both plumment back down to the mat, leaving Jeff, who is at the bottom of the ladder, a free path to take the briefcase and the match.

 

As Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler get face time, word is sent to them that, once again, Paul Heyman is in the audience; only, this time, he is not alone. Cameras switch over Heyman who, again, is seated in the front row ... but on either side of him are two ECW alumni: Spike Dudley and Rhyno. And, just as quick as they're caught by cameras, they're joined by unwanted guests: Kane and Test, who tell Heyman and his friends that, if they're smart, they'll leave the arena before they get hurt. When none of the three seem even the slightest bit bothered, Test reaches across the barrier and slaps Rhyno almost out of his chair; the last ECW World Champion stands up, which immediately draws security over to diffuse the situation. When Raw comes back from commercial, Test and Kane are in the ring, demanding that Rhyno and Spike jump in the ring and fight them; but when Commissioner Regal comes out and discusses the idea with Heyman, they turn sheet white as Rhyno and Spike jump over the barricade and hop in the ring, still dressed in street clothes, ready to fight. When Raw comes back from commercial, the impromptu brawl is an official match, with Spike putting up a terrific fight, but ends up being crushed by the size differential. But when Spike tags in Rhyno, the Man-Beast falls right back onto the path of destruction he'd started in ECW, turning Test inside out with a Gore, and manhandling Kane like few had ever done before. Test has to resort to using a chair to stop Rhyno, drawing the DQ, but the McMahon soldiers' situation goes from bad to worse when Big Show and Eddie Guerrero join the fight and help leave McMahon's boys in a heap. With their mutual foes defeated, the foursome meet in the center of the ring, eyeing each other cautiously. It is Rhyno who breaks the tension with an extended hand. Guerrero weighs the decision on whether to trust Heyman's friend, and the crowd seems evenly split on whether or not the ECW alum is trustworthy. Guerrero takes a deep breath and risks it, clasping Rhyno's hand, and doesn't regret it; they all shake hands and part, with Rhyno and Spike leaving the arena with Heyman.

 

Back at the institution, as Shane sits with his mom on a sun porch and tries to get through to her, cameras see a limo pulling up. The limo driver opens the door for the occupants, Vince McMahon and Trish Stratus; Vince examines his surroundings with a disapproving sneer, then mutters "Let's get this over with," to Trish and storms in.

 

Ivory comes to the ring with Bull Buchanan and The Goodfather, looking smug and satisfied, as Ross informs the viewers that the six-man tag at WrestleMania with Val Venis and The APA against the RTC has been changed to an 8-person elimination tag, with Ivory and Stephanie McMahon added. She preaches on about her moral superiority and her embarrassing the owner's daughter in the middle of the ring on Smackdown, then proclaims that she will do the same to the "homewrecking whore" Trish Stratus as soon as she crawls out from the rock she's hiding under. Ivory's sermon is cut off, though, by the APA and Stephanie McMahon, who stand on the stage; in Stephanie's hands are sets of handcuffs. "Ivory," she says, "I've got a little offer for you." Stephanie holds up the handcuffs. "We use this on your friends and handcuff them to the ringposts. You and me, we have a bra & panties match. Yeah, that's right; I, an executive and part-owner in this company, am willing to risk public humiliation for the chance to inflict it on Ivory!" Ivory is shaking her head, but Stephanie continues. "You haven't heard me out, Ivory. If you win, you and the RTC can name any stipulation you want for our WrestleMania match. But if I win ..." Stephanie grins. "If I win, then we pick the stipulation." Ivory declines again, but Stephanie shakes her head. "Oh, I don't think you understand, Ivory," she says as she walks down the ramp. "I've already cleared this with Commissioner Regal, Ivory. The only thing you're getting out of is that ugly outfit you're wearing!"

 

Stephanie suddenly rushes the ring, tackling the RTC's matronly first lady as officials scramble to handcuff the APA and the RTC to ringposts. Caught totally unawares, Ivory is on the receiving end of a sound catfight thrashing, even losing a clump of hair. Ivory's wrestling skills and strength get her an advantage eventually, leading to Stephanie's blouse being torn to ribbons. But the removal of her shirt fires up something in Stephanie; in short order, Ivory is shirtless and running in circles in the ring, trying to get away. As Ivory tries to duck out of the ring, Stephanie grabs her skirt and pulls, tearing it free, sending Ivory falling to the floor. She doesn't wait for her cohorts to be freed before running for the cover of the locker room as the ring announcer proclaims Stephanie the winner. She immediately asks for the microphone and announces that, if the RTC doesn't win the match at WrestleMania, the RTC will be forced to disband.

 

Back at the hospital, as Shane talks to his mother, his father and Trish approach. "What the hell is going on here? Why has Linda been moved from the home I put her in?" demands Vince.

 

Shane stands up, his eyes full of the fires of Hell. "The 'home' you put her in was pathetic, Vince. You might as well have thrown her out on the street with how filthy and disgusting it was. I paid for her to be moved."

 

"Well, she's my wife," says Vince, grabbing the handles of Linda's wheelchair, "and I say where she'll be cared for. She's going back to the other facility and that's fi--"

 

Shane reaches out, grabs Vince's tie and jerks him back, right into Shane's face. Through clinched teeth, Shane spits out; "You aren't moving my mother one damn inch, Vince. You and your little whore are gonna get in your limo and get the hell out of here before I ... before I ..."

 

"Before you what, Shane? Before you get your ass kicked by me again, just like when you tried to take me on when you were 16? Or just like when you took a poke at me when you were 19, and I beat you down again? Or when you were 23?"

 

Shane looks in Vince's; neither man looks ready to flinch. "No," says Shane, releasing the tie. "I'm not going to do anything to endanger Mom's stay here, no matter how much I wanna knock your teeth down your throat." Shane unclips a cell phone off his belt and flips it open. "However, I can get you kicked out of here. That'll sure look good, won't it? A billionare Chairman and owner of a global entertainment company, being kicked out of a sanitarium?"

 

Vince seethes for a moment, waiting to see if Shane is bluffing; as Shane dials without hesitation, Vince realizes he isn't and departs quickly and quietly. Shane puts the phone back on his belt loop and sits down with his mother again.

 

Stone Cold Steve Austin is introduced first, and if the ankle wasn't a bother before, the heavy bandages wrapped around it are practically a neon sign flashing bad news to the faithful Stone Cold supporters. Austin walks as much as he can on it, but it is plainly obvious his weight cannot be supported by his ankle. And as the competitors are introduced, every one of them eyes Austin's ankle, their thoughts readable: maybe he'll be easy pickings in the Cell ... if he makes it at all.

 

But though Austin looks a tempting target, the competitors themselves regard each other a little more cautiously, as if nobody is in any hurry to risk injury or exhaust oneself for a match with nothing on the line. Even long-time rivals like Triple H and Jericho or Rock and Undertaker take it easy on each other. Only Benoit and Angle are not immune to the cautious disease, getting the full force of hatred from everyone. It is only when tempers flare when trying to gain a pinfall does the match finally catch fire, with everyone pouring into the ring at once in a massive, uncontrollable brawl that Austin is all too happy to let go.

 

But Angle uses the chaos to leave the ring, grab a steel chair and slide back in. One swing into the leg later, Austin is on the mat, screaming in agony; Angle quickly wraps the chair around Austin's ankle and Pillmanizes it repeatedly as the other combatants start dropping to the floor to continue their fight, or get knocked out by something else. As Austin rolls out, clutching his ankle, Angle, seeing a new ref on the way, sees Undertaker clothesline Triple H to the floor; as Undertaker stands at the ropes trash-talking, Angle comes up from behind and nails the Angle Slam and makes a quick cover. With everyone occupied or out cold, there's nobody to stop Angle from stealing a pinfall.

 

But as Angle over-celebrates, The Rock slides back in and catches Angle in a Rock Bottom. Rock scoops up the chair left behind from the Pillmanizing of Austin and proceeds to deal out receipts for the beatdowns suffered on the previous two shows. Once all other people are dealt with, Rock returns to the ring in time to greet a reviving Angle, who gets another Rock Bottom for his troubles, and a People's Elbow to boot. The Rock takes Angle's belt and poses on a turnbuckle close to Austin; for a moment, Rock looks down at Austin, his expression unreadable ... but Rock just goes back to holding the belt aloft to the adulation of the crowd.

 

Smackdown: Mar. 22, '01

 

Two special stipulation matches highlight Smackdown's card: a no-disqualifications tag match between Test & Kane against Eddie Guerrero and Big Show; and, as a concession to the tag champions, Dean Malenko competes in a four corners match against Bubba Ray Dudley, Jeff Hardy and Edge with "straight" wrestling rules (rules he won't allow disclosure of until belltime). And, the announcers mention, there will be an update on the condition of Steve Austin and his potential participation in the Hell In A Cell WWF Title match at WrestleMania.

 

Leading off is Commissioner William Regal, who comes down to the ring very angry. "I've spent the past two days having my hindquarters chewed off by World Wrestling Federation executives and referees over what transpired on Monday Night Raw." Regal talks as videotape of Kurt Angle's flagrant attack on Steve Austin rolls on the TitanTron. "Kurt Angle targeted and assaulted Steve Austin, and while he is not a regular WWF official, he was the presiding official for that match. For two days, I've had to argue against the board of directors wanting to strip Kurt Angle of the title, depriving you of the match as promised, and protecting that repugnant piece of trip, Kurt Angle, from his deserved retribution. And for two days, I've had WWF referees saying that, if Kurt Angle could attack a wrestler acting as a referee, then there is no reason to assume he will show any respect to a regular WWF official. And because of that, for the second time in two months, referees are refusing an assignment." Regal's face goes from a scowl to a murderous rage. "And I blame you, Kurt Angle! Every crime you've perpetrated, every vile, reprehensible crime you've committed, you've turned this noble company into a farce, a den of chaos and bloodthirsty lunatics, all because of the storm you've stirred up. Well, sunshine, tonight, you are going to get right in the middle of the storm, by facing me, Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit in a fatal-four-way!"

 

The screeching of tires and a simple power chord echo through the arena, taking the audience and Regal by surprise. On the stage, for the first time since No Way Out, is Mick Foley, who walks down to the ring with purpose. Regal eyes Foley with caution, even as Foley pulls out a microphone. "I know it's been a while since I've been to a WWF event. I hope you'll understand ... I kinda had a headache, after Vince broke that jar on my head."

 

Regal wastes no time in getting to the point. "What do you want, Michael?"
"Listen, I know I made mistakes. I wanna make amends." Foley looks Regal dead in the eyes. "I wanna come back to work. You need a referee; I'm a WWF official."

 

But Regal's expression doesn't hide his feelings: skepticism. "Michael, you've not been the most trustworthy person in the past six months. You impeded the process of a major investigation and willfully hid evidence. And you aligned yourself with that scoundrel Vince McMahon."

 

"Then let me earn your trust again; let me referee your fatal-four-way match tonight. If you don't like the job I do, I'll leave the WWF, for good. If you like the job I do, then put me in the Cell." Foley extends a hand. "Deal?"

 

With some reluctance, Regal shakes Foley's hand, sealing the deal for both the main event and a temporary solution to the officiating woes.

 

But another potential disaster is in Steve Austin visiting the doctor, brought into the office in a wheelchair. The doctor tells Austin that the injuries he'd suffered already had been aggravated to the point they'd feared: full fractures and muscle tears. When Austin asks what this means for WrestleMania, the doctor tells Austin that, due to the severity and the way the injuries are compounded on each other, his career is in legitimate jeopardy; WrestleMania is not even a remote possibility. The expression on Austin's face--his soul, his very life's purpose, being extinguished while his hands are tied--mirrors the feelings of everyone watching.

 

A match between the APA and Bull Buchanan & The Goodfather kicks off in-ring action, although the match barely resembles a wrestling match, either in the action or structure; from the moment all four people are in the ring, it's a bar brawl that the ref can't get ahold of. The match swings decisively in the favor of the RTC when Bradshaw, looking to nail a Clothesline From Hell on Buchanan, hits Faarooq instead when Buchanan ducks; as Goodfather keeps Bradshaw occupied, Buchanan hits the scissors kick and pins Faarooq for the victory.

 

Backstage, Kevin Kelly catches up with The Rock, who is pacing. Kevin Kelly starts to ask a question, but Rock glares at him through his sunglasses until Kelly hands him the microphone and walks away. Rock watches him walk away, then says; "Try bathing more then once a month!" Rock then leans back, breathes deep and says, "Finally, The Rock ... no, no, no. The Rock's got something to say, and The Rock's not gonna waste time." Rocky whips off the sunglasses, gazing right into the camera. "WrestleMania. Hell In A Cell. Six men. Six months. Kurt Angle, for six months, you've twisted, and you've plotted, and you've manipulated. You run over Steve Austin, and you set up The Rock to take the fall. You break up a marriage, and you set up Chris Jericho for that. You work, and you plot, to keep that WWF Title. And what do you have to show for it? Six men. Hell In A Cell. WrestleMania." Rock pauses, taking in a deep breath, then adopts an ugly sneer. "I-uh ... am-uh ... The Game-uh ... I-uh ... am too-uh ... constipated-uh ... to talk-uh ... normally-uh!" The sneer vanishes and The Rock's eyes go vacant. "I'm Chris Jericho, ay? I'd be all aboot beating you hosers if I could find a stepladder to stand on!" Suddenly, the vacancy disppaears and Rock semi-rolls his eyes back. "Unnnnngh ... I'm a zombie ... no, I'm a biker!" And just as quick, Rocky puts on a humungous smile and brings back the vacant eyes. "I'm a hero! I drink milk, and eat apple pie, and love my mommy"--Rock's voice turns all of a sudden, from the stupidly cheerful Angle impression to his own voice--"and I'm the dumbest son of a bitch on God's green Earth! There's only one man, one man, who's suffered your crap, Kurt Angle, and doesn't look like a bigger pussy then you already are, and that's Stone Cold Steve Austin, but--" The crowd chants for Stone Cold, so Rock obliges and lets them chant. "But Stone Cold Steve Austin won't be in the Hell In A Cell now. So, it goes like this; Triple H ... Chris Jericho ... Undertaker ... Kurt Angle. Next Sunday, it belongs to The Rock. Next Sunday, the World Wrestling Federation Championship comes back to The Rock. Revenge? The Rock will get his first, next Sunday." The Rock lowers the microphone and makes to leave the scene, then turns around. "But tonight ... tonight, Chris Jericho ... Kurt Angle ... Triple H ... Undertaker ... tonight ... if you smelllllllllllllllllll ... what The Rock is cookin'!"

 

Dean Malenko heads to the ring for his "straight" wrestling match against representatives of his WrestleMania opponent teams. When all the participants are in the ring, the announcer goes over the rules, saying enforcement will be strict: no closed fists, no foreign objects, no moves off the turnbuckles, and a strict ten-count outside the ring. With Bubba and Malenko the first in the ring, Bubba gets to be the first to find out that the ref was serious, as a habitual punch gets a stern warning from the ref and a promise to eject him from the match on the next infraction. Without brawling and normal fighting, Bubba's offense is severely limited, as is Jeff's, who finds all of his daredevil dives removed from the equation. And, seeing Malenko dominate his opponents with his blur of technical skills and submission wrestling, Edge refuses tags and stays on the apron ... until Bubba manages knock the wind out of Malenko by falling backwards into the turnbuckle with Malenko on him, cinching on a sleeper. Edge tags himself in and goes to town, scoring several near pinfalls that are broken up by Jeff and Bubba ... until the two, in disagreement over whom Edge will tag in, come to blows. With the ref trying to break them up, Malenko gets a low blow and puts on the Texas Cloverleaf. The ref ejects Bubba and Jeff, who have spilled out onto the floor anyway in their fistfight, and turns around in time to see Edge reach back and reverse the Cloverleaf into a reverse Sharpshooter. With the ropes too far away, and knowing no reversal, Malenko has to tap out, putting the tag champs three losses down in four consecutive speciality matches.

 

Backstage, Undertaker sits on his motorcycle as Kevin Kelly approaches with a microphone. Kevin goes to ask a question, but Undertaker reaches out, grabs Kevin's hand and the microphone. "You comin' to ask me some stupid little question, boy? Maybe how I felt gettin' punked out by Rocky back on Raw, or how I feel 'bout Austin not bein' in the match no more?" Undertaker chuckles, spits out a wad of tobacco juice, then says; "Austin? He's lucky. He's lucky he got a get-outta-jail-free card on this one. You seen me in Cells; I make people famous. I hurt people. I shorten careers. Austin's got a wife, he got a ranch. He don't need Dead Man Inc. rollin' over him. Now them other four fools ... Rocky, Jericho, Hunter, Angle ... ain't no way out for them. Ya see, that ring, that's my yard. And I'm the big dog that runs it. Come WrestleMania, we gonna put a Cell over my yard, and the big dog's gonna run loose. One big, nasty, hungry dog, four helpless little kittens ... and nowhere to run, nowhere to hide."

 

The no-disqualifications tag match with Test and Kane against Big Show and Eddie Guerrero gets started in the backstage area, as if picking up from their previous catering area-brawl. With the license to maim, the participants waste no time in dropping the wrestling and using their surroundings and the items strewn about to bludgeon, batter and beat down one another. The foursome ends up getting split up, with Big Show and Test veering further backstage, while Kane and Guerrero make their way to the ring, where Guerrero, no stranger to cheating and dirty tricks, takes every shortcut he can in an effort to put down the Big Red Machine, from chair shots to low blows and more. When he gets Kane on the mat, Guerrero quickly climbs the turnbuckle and flies, crushing Kane with the frog splash. The crowd explodes for Guerrero until, behind him, Test appears, grabbing Guerrero and planting him with a pumphandle slam. Kane revives enough to get to his feet; Test confers with him quickly, as the TitanTron reveals how Test got away: Big Show is backstage, handcuffed to a rail in the garage. Test grabs a chair and climbs the turnbuckle as Kane picks up Guerrero and lifts him up for a powerbomb, holding him in place so Test can come off the top rope with a chair swing, obliterating Guerrero for the three count.

 

Video rolls at the private nursing home that houses Linda McMahon, who is busy staring at the sky silently when the door behind her opens. Wearing a mask of disgust, Vince McMahon walks in; he looks at Linda, follows her gaze towards the sky, then looks back to her and kneels down beside her. "I know you're listening," he growls. "I know you can hear every word I say, Linda. I know you're not on the medication I had you on since your idiot son moved you here, so this little catatonic act, you can drop it." When Linda offers no reply, Vince grabs her by the shoulders and shakes. "Wake up, Linda! Look at me! Look at me!" Linda gives no hint of a reply; Vince's lip curls. "Fine, you want to continue this charade? That's just spectacular. Because, when I finally get total control of the WWF, and our divorce is finalized, we'll see how long you can continue this farce when you're fired, and your son is fired, and the money isn't there anymore to support this elaborate little fantasy vacation you're on. I'm going to bring your precious little fantasy world crashing down around you, Linda; I will leave it in tatters, just like I will your pathetic excuse for a son. The only difference is, when I'm done with Shane ... he really will have brain damage!" Vince stands up, leering down at his wife. "Oh, by the way, Linda; I'm going to give you a going-away present; you're going to be in my corner at WrestleMania, so you can see, up close and personal, as I break every bone in Shane's body and wrest control of my company back from the jaws of hell you and your children and your insipid Commissioner have thrust it into!"

 

The audience welcomes Mick Foley as referee with a reception that could only be described as cautious. And with neither the World nor Intercontinental Championships on the line, all that's on the line is momentum and a psychological edge with WrestleMania a week and a half away. With four men fully versed in submission wrestling, all four resemble the proverbial walking wounded in due time, but Angle is the worst of the lot, taking punishment from all comers. When Angle tries to run away, Jericho gives chase, leaving Regal and Benoit in the ring, where a low blow allows Benoit to stop Regal's momentum and slap on the Crossface; Regal refuses to tap, however, and Foley is forced to call the match for Benoit when Regal passes out from pain.

 

Back in the aisle, though, Jericho catches up with Angle and throws him into the guardrail. Angle begs for mercy as Jericho stalks Angle, but Jericho lays into him with the boots, stomping the air and the strength out of the WWF Champion ... until Benoit comes up from behind and nails Jericho. The locker room then empties out, and once again, the Hell In A Cell participants find themselves duking it out in the show's closing moments. Benoit ends up running for his life when Triple H comes after him with the sledgehammer, but Triple H gets dropped when Jericho comes back with the ring bell and levels him. The Rock gets a piece of the bell upside the head as well, making a gash in his forehead. Undertaker, laying into Angle, sees Jericho coming, kicks him in the gut and takes the ring bell; but as he's about to bring it down on Jericho, Y2J grabs the dropped sledgehammer and thrusts it upward, sending the hammer and the bell into Undertaker's face, knocking him out cold. Smackdown comes to a close with, once again, bodies strewn about ... but this time, it is the person probably most considered the underdog of Hell In A Cell, and the only non-former World Champion, Chris Jericho, who stands while all others are unconscious.

 

WWF Monday Night Raw/WCW Monday Nitro: Mar. 26, '01

 

Viewers tuning in to WCW's Monday Nitro at 8pm are confronted with a (for WCW loyalists, horrific) surprise: Vince McMahon, backstage at Raw, his eyes absolutely on fire with maniacal glee. "Imagine that. Me, Vince McMahon. Imagine that! Here I am on, WCW television. How can that happen? Well there's only one way: you see, it was just a matter of time before I, Vince McMahon, bought my competition. That's right, I own WCW. Therefore, in its final broadcast tonight on TNT, I have the opportunity to address you, the WCW fans; I have an opportunity to address you, the WCW superstars. What is the fate of WCW? Well, tonight, in a special simulcast, you'll all find out, because the fate--the very fate of WCW ... is in my hands!"

 

When Raw begins, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler hype up the stacked card--the final Raw before WrestleMania--with seven huge matches, including two title matches. But all the attention is on the story that has had the entire industry, from wrestlers to the internet and even mainstream media talking: the realizing of Vince McMahon's 15 year dream: total ownership and control of the American wrestling industry.

 

The in-ring action kicks off with a handicap match, booked, per JR, as a special request by the handicapped person: Big Show. As Big Show walks down the ramp, video rolls from Smackdown the prior week, showing how he'd been handcuffed during the no-DQ tag match, and that it was Dean Malenko & Perry Saturn who'd helped Test ambush the giant and detain him. Malenko & Saturn approach the ring accompanied by Test, and it's not more then a minute into the match, 59 seconds of which Malenko and Saturn spend getting thrown around like dishrags in a tornado, then Test gets involved and goes after Show. The Dudleys immediately join the party and dare Vince's thugs to turn it into a six-man tag, but Test and the tag champs decline as they back up the ramp ... and, as Kane comes through the crowd, armed with a chair, ready to level his cohorts' enemies. But Eddie Guerrero pops up behind Kane, rips the chair out of his hands and levels the Big Red Machine in the head; when one shot only puts Kane on a bended knee, Guerrero's Latino temper pops like a champagne cork, and he unleashes a hailstorm of chair shots to Kane. Show helps pull Kane into the ring while the Dudleys set up a table and hoist Kane onto it; Guerrero climbs a turnbuckle and leaps through the air, putting Kane through the table with a precision frog splash to the crowd's delight.

 

The first of two title matches happens is next, with Ivory putting up the WWF Women's Championship against someone equally hated, but for entirely different reasons: Trish Stratus. But before the two can lock up, Stephanie McMahon, wearing a black and white striped shirt, comes down to the ring with a wide smile. Taking a microphone, Stephanie cuts to the chase; "I'm using my authority as a part-owner of this company and naming myself as a special referee for this match." Stephanie's evil grin gets bigger. "Oh, and before I forgot ... it's now a bra & panties match!" Both Ivory and Trish flush at the turn of events, but Ivory recovers quicker and takes Trish down to the mat. Ivory ends up the first to lose her top, but when she stops to taunt Stephanie, the McMahon daughter gives her a slap across the face that dazes the homewrecker long enough for Ivory to tear off Trish's shirt. But when Trish gets the upper hand again and goes for Ivory's long skirt, Steven Richards leads his RTC troupe to the ring; Stephanie orders them out of the ring, and for her troubles, gets a Steven Kick right on the jaw. Trish gets her lights put out by Bull Buchanan, allowing Ivory to rip off her blouse for the uncalled victory.

 

As Richards leads his troops backstage, they run across Kurt Angle, who is busy polishing and admiring his championship belt. "Kurt, can we talk?" says Richards as he sidles up next to Angle. "Listen, Kurt, back awhile ago, my group and I, we helped you with a favor. We helped with that nasty videotaping business and leaked it out. I think we did a darn good job. I was just wondering when we could expect a return favor."

 

Angle blinks. "Um, what? You want something in return?"

 

"Yes. I was thinking something in the way, perhaps, of a WWF Championship match for myself? And perhaps a little help in the way of watching our backs at WrestleMania?"

 

If Angle looked confounded before, he now looks absolutely shell-shocked. "You what? Let me get my ducks in a row here: you screw up and let Val Venis get the whole videotape ... destroy all the hard work I invested coming up with this plan ... and in, like, a zillion matches, you can't manage to pin Triple H or Chris Jericho even once, let alone beat 'em up bad enough to put 'em out of wrestling? Yeah, you sure deserve my help. Get lost, bucko."

 

Richards fumes and turns away, then suddenly springs back with a Steven Kick, only for Angle to catch the foot and drop down into an ankle lock. The suddenness of it leave Ivory, Buchanan and Goodfather stumbling to get moving, and by the time they do, road agents and officials are separating everyone and helping Richards away.

 

With constant looks over his shoulder, Test makes his way back down to the ring for his own match, against an old nemesis, Triple H. Test fights for everything he has, and scores several near-falls, but comes unglued when Big Show comes out onto the stage to watch. With the distraction, Test is a sitting duck for The Game, who puts away Test in easy fashion. After the bell rings, however, Triple H drops down, picks up his sledgehammer and waits until Test gets up before splitting his wig with a shot to the head. The ref calls for the bell again, but Triple H continues to drive the hammer into Test's body until the voice of the ring announcer gets his attention, declaring that the ref has reversed his decision and awarded the victory to Test by disqualification. The decision enrages Triple H further, who grabs the referee and drills him with a Pedigree and leaves.

 

Vince McMahon strides down the ramp of Raw, a surreal sight being watched by viewers of either WWF or WCW. Crowds in both Cleveland (the site of Raw) and Panama City Beach (Nitro's emanating point) boo the WWF--and now, WCW--Chairman. "For the first time ever in sports entertainment history, this broadcast is not only being seen here on TNN and Cleveland, Ohio ... it is also being seen across TNT--Turner Network Television. Now there's only one way that that can happen; there's only one way, and one man who can make history like this happen. Obviously, you all know I have acquired WCW. That's right, I bought my competition! Now then, it's not exactly final--well it is and it isn't, you see. The only thing is, Time-Warner can't sell this property to anybody else because nobody really knows what to do with it, so therefore this is what's gonna happen. Time-Warner is practically begging me to buy WCW, and I have agreed. There's only one small caveat they're hearing for the first time, and that is this: Time-Warner, they've signed the contracts and I will sign the contracts, but I'll sign it this Sunday, on pay-per-view, at WrestleMania. And I'll sign it when Ted Turner himself walks down the aisle at WrestleMania and delivers the contract in front of me. Now then, some would say, 'geez, Vince, how did you do it? How did you do it, Vince? I mean, you were up against this media conglomerate, Time-Warner. You were up against a billionaire. I mean, how could you possibly do this?' Well, some might say I had a little help along the way with certain WWF superstars and things of that nature, but quite frankly, I did it all on my own. It was my effort, it was my money. How do you beat a billionaire? There's only one answer to that, and that's become one yourself. So now, you have to understand, when Ted Turner walks down the aisle at WrestleMania and practically begs me to sign the contract, I'm gonna do it and then I'm gonna reserve a seat for Ted; I'm gonna put him right over here, right in the corner, because I want Ted Turner to see what I'm gonna do to my very own son Shane. Some would say, come on now, 'Vince, you can't do that to your own son - he's your flesh and blood!' But you gotta understand what it means to be a competitor; nobody understands that better than I do. Because you have to grab your competition by the throat and you've gotta squeeze the life outta your competition, just like I did to WCW! And just like I'm gonna do to my son Shane this Sunday. Now then, what should I do with WCW? Well there are a lotta things I could do with it. Well, you see, I had a choice to make tonight, and that choice was coming here before you in Cleveland, and  quite frankly gloating--which I think I'm doing a very good job of at the moment--or, or I could do this, instead of gloating, what I could have done was get in my plane, and assuming they have an airport there, fly down to the redneck Rivieria, Panama City Beach, Florida, and walk out there and give every WCW star a piece of my mind, 'cause that's what I really wanna do! But no, I've opted to come before you here, the loyal WWF fans, as opposed to walking in the ring and lining each and every one of those WCW stars up--every single one of them--so I could look right in their face and say to Goldberg, Booker T, and Jeff Jarrett, and Lex Luger, and all the rest of them, to look them right in the face and say ... you're fired! And that's exactly what's gonna happen because WCW is going on the shelf, it's going nowhere, WCW is buried. WCW will remain buried. Just like anybody here in this arena, or anyone in the world that gets in my way. Every single one of you, when you attempt to compete with me, and that includes my son Shane. Just like WCW is buried." The crowd erupts with an "asshole" chant. "Don't start with that. I deserve more respect than that! Dammit, I'm Vince McMahon! Dammit! I own WCW, I own the WWF, and you will treat me with respect! Or I'll walk outta this arena--"

 

The music kicks in, and the crowd erupts, expecting Shane McMahon to come flying out of the back. Instead, he comes sauntering down the WCW aisle, looking like the cat who swallowed the canary. "Surprise, Dad," he says with boastful pride. "You're in Cleveland, Ohio, and I'm here in Panama City Beach, Floria, standing in a WCW ring. And as usual, your ego has gotten the best of you. I mean, you wanted to finalise this deal at WrestleMania? You you have the audacity to ask Ted Turner himself to come down and to finalise that deal? Well, that's just the opportunity that I was looking for, because the deal is finalized with WCW. And the name on the contract does say McMahon ..." Vince gulps, his expression pleading for this to all be a nightmare. "However, the contract reads Shane McMahon. That's right! I've sold my interest in the WWF, and I now own WCW! And Dad; just like WCW did in the past, how it kicked your ass in the Monday Night Wars, it will again. And that's exactly what's gonna happen to you this Sunday at WrestleMania!"

 

Vince stares slackjawed at the TitanTron, muttering how it can't be happening. So focused is he on the screen that he doesn't notice Paul Heyman, flanked by Rhyno, Spike Dudley and a new member of the posse, Justin Credible. "Oh, but it is happening, Vince," says Heyman as he strides down the ramp. Vince finally manages to drag his eyes away from the screen in time to see Heyman enter the ring. "It is happening. You see, I know how much you people appreciate how Shane and Stephanie have stood up to the tyranny of Vince McMahon over the past few months. And the way it is, ladies and gentlemen, is quite simple; the reign of Vince McMahon in the WWF, his vision, his dream of One World, will die this Sunday. And there's no one to blame but you, Vince! I'm not the one that ruined everything that was accomplished by all the men and women who've given their lives to you. You see, at WrestleMania, it means so much more than just the personalities that are involved. It's about ending what Vince McMahon has tried to accomplish. I've sat there in those seats week after week, and I've listened to the wrestlers and I've heard Jim Ross, and they all say how this place has become a cesspool, a cancer-filled corpse that doens't know it's dead. And I agreed with every-damn-thing that they had to say, that the WWF that exists now, the WWF your genius has created, truly does suck! You have lost your mind. You've become unstable, your ideas deranged, your concepts convoluted, and everyone is right, because the WWF is imploding from within! Like every great empire, the WWF is imploding from within. Your loyal employees, you've either cast them aside, pushed them away or made them run screaming into the night! The only people willing to stand by you, you have to blind their eyes with golden blinders! Vince's own children want him to burn in hell, and I don't blame 'em. Vince McMahon will see the WWF--his bloated, corrupted, perverted version of the WWF--die this Sunday at WrestleMania when Shane defeats him and drives him out of this business. Oh, God, I've waited so long to see you face to face like this. And I've waited so long to tell you to your face that I hate your stinkin' guts! But it's not just me. It's your children that hate your stinkin' guts, Vince. And at WrestleMania, your children are gonna do to you what I have waited my whole life to see somebody do to you, Vince. You are, so help me God, the most disgusting, vile son of a bitch I've ever seen in my life. You took Hulk Hogan's blood and you built Titan Towers. You stole Bret Hart's dream, and with that money bought yourself an airplane with WWF all over it. And you know it, you son of a bitch. You stole Shawn Michaels' smile, took your company public, and made yourself a billionaire. But not a self-made billionaire, like you like to tell everybody you are, oh no. See, you're a billionaire on other people's hard work. Your father--your father, Vincent J. McMahon, he went around the country and shook the hand of every promoter in this country and swore to them that he'd never compete against them, that his son would never compete against them. And when your father died ... you competed. And with your ruthless, merciless, take-no-prisoners attitude, you drove everybody out of business. You ran all the competition to the ground and you stole all their ideas, and you made yourself a billionaire out of it. And you know whose ideas you stole the most, Vince? You stole mine. It's a damn shame what you did to all those people, but I don't give a damn about Don Owen and Sam Muchnick and Jim Crockett. I care about what you did to me and my family. How you stole my dreams, how you stole my legacy, how you stole everything that ECW represents. Because ... while Doink the Clown had a green hair and rubber nose, Stone Cold Steve Austin was drinking his first beer in ECW, damn you. While Bobby Heenan and Gene Okerlund were dancing around singing 'Tutti Frutti', ECW was producing the edgy TV that you named 'Attitude.' Oh, we had attitude! You got nothing, man. What you got is my ideas, and you stole my life, my money, my legacy!" Heyman removes his hat and throws it at Vince. "Screw you! Screw you and your family! I'll tell you something, your own children hate your guts, and on Sunday, your children are gonna get even with you, for everything you stole from me, for everything you stole from them. For everything you stole from this business, Vince. The wrestling business. Because that's the business we're in." (Jim Ross gets in a quick "We?!?" comment before Heyman steamrolls on.) "You talk about doing business? That's the business we're in! Your father built a wrestling company, and you hadda have 'sports entertainment.' 'We had to have sports entertainment, ha ha ha.' Men like Tazz and Eddie Guerrero and Shane Douglas and Mick Foley ... these men were wrestlers, they were real, honest-to-God wrestlers. But you can't have that, 'cause you made wrestling a dirty word. You made 'wrestling' a dirty word, Vince, and you made these proud men into caricatures, cartoons like teachers and racial stereotypes. What kind of a man are you? What kind of a man takes wrestling and makes it sports entertainment? Well, it's all over Vince, one way or another. At WrestleMania, you're goin' down, Vince. I promise you, you're goin' down, and I'm gonna watch it, and your children are gonna lift their leg, standin' over your grave, and we're gonna laugh, and you know what else I'm gonna do, Vince? I'm gonna run your ass outta business. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it. You know why? Because if, somehow, someway, if Shane can't drive you out of this company and out of the wrestling business, then I will ... since I now own Shane's interest in this company!" Vince jaw, which looks unhinged already, falls almost clear to the ground, his skin a shade of white that borders on transparent. Heyman drops the microphone, picks up his hat and makes sure to give his new business partner a pair of single-finger salutes before leaving the ring.

 

Edge & Christian square off against the APA, who come to the ring with their nasty moods on their sleeves. Unfortunately, Edge & Christian spoil it by coming out on crutches, saying they're too injured after "totally" getting beat up in the four-corners match on Smackdown; the APA point out that Edge won the match, and that Christian didn't even participate, to which Christian informs him they're sympathy injuries. As the APA argue with Edge & Christian over the ludicrousness of it, the Right To Censor try to sneak up from behind, but the APA catch them and start pounding away as they slide in the ring. Edge & Christian panic as the Hardys race out from the back and attack their rivals. One fight leads back through the back, while the other spills into the crowd and out into the arena, where officials break up both fights.

 

Escorted by his ECW alumni, Heyman visits Commissioner Regal in his office. "Commissioner Regal!" exclaims Heyman. "A pleasure to see you!" he says, offering a hand.

 

Regal, however, isn't quick to bite, regarding the hand with a thinly disguised sneer. "While I applaud your desire to restore the wrestling aspect of this business back into the WWF," says Regal. "your reputation leaves much to be desired, Paul Heyman. I hope you come into this organization with a clean slate and the drive to business in the proper methods, not in the brutish manner you did in Philadelphia."

 

Heyman's eyes twitch just a little, betraying the good nature of his smile. "Obviously, we have some philosophical differences, Commissioner," says Heyman, retracting the hand. "But I hope that we can work together in spite of those, so we may erase the stain that Vince McMahon has put on this business."

 

Regal considers his answer for a second, but never gets a chance to reveal it, as the door to his office bursts open, bringing in Raven and Tazz. "Gentlemen!" says Heyman, offering a hand. "It's been a while. Good to see you both!"

 

The handshake is rebuffed when Raven slaps it away. Tazz steps forward and gets in Heyman's face. "So, what, you just waltz on in here, buy up a part of the company with what, Monopoly money? And you never, not once in almost a month, do you call us and tell us what you're planning, but you let those guys in on it? Who wrestled in that sweatbox in front of a hundred people for you when didn't have a pot to piss in, since WCW had just fired your ass? Who worked with a man he couldn't stand because it would sell your pay-per-view? Who sacrificed his body in barbed wire for your benefit?" Tazz waves his finger between himself and Raven. "Us. We helped build ECW. And you wanna come in here with these bandwagon-jumpers?" Tazz gives Heyman a little push, which makes Rhyno jump; Regal and Heyman immediately position themselves between the two groups and break them up before it comes to blows. Tazz and Raven spit Heyman's feet on the way out the door, leaving Heyman and his troupe mystified.

 

The second title match of the evening has Chris Benoit defending his Intercontinental Title against The Rock. Like their previous encounters, there is a certain extra intensity in their matches, but even moreso tonight, as, unlike their prior matches, the man with something to lose is Benoit. When Rock takes control of the match and looks to have things sewn up, Benoit resorts to pulling the ref in between them, knocking him out. With nobody to enforce the rules, Benoit gets a lowblow, slides out, retrieves his title belt and blasts Rock in the head. A replacement ref makes the count, but it only gets two. Benoit tries for the headbutt, but comes up empty, which sets up The Rock to go for the People's Elbow. But when Kurt Angle comes out on stage, Rocky is distracted long enough for Benoit to recover and get the roll-up with his feet on the ropes for the pin. Angle laughs and taunts Rock by saying that if he can't beat the number two champ in the company, what makes him think he has what it takes to beat the World Champ.

 

The main event of the final Raw pits Chris Jericho one-on-one against Undertaker, who comes to the ring sporting a bandage on his head courtesy of the hammer-to-bell collision in Undertaker's face the week before on Smackdown. From, the opening bell, the match resembles nothing more then a back alley brawl, and going toe-to-toe with Undertaker in a fistfight doesn't get Jericho very far, so Jericho hits the floor and starts using the environment to his advantage. When the fight progresses through the curtain to the backstage area, the ref has no choice to throw out the match, but neither Jericho nor Undertaker show a whit of concern. As Undertaker and Jericho use chairs, trays, loading palates and anything else they can get their hands on, Undertaker catches a glimpse out of the corner of his eye of Triple H using a sledgehammer to dissect his motorcycle. Undertaker makes a run for Triple H, with Jericho in close pursuit, but Rock, hidden behind a closed door, opens it right into Jericho's face. As the four pair off, Angle sneaks up on the scene; first, Rock is taken out using the WWF Title right in Rock's face. Angle positions Jericho and finishes him off by slamming the door closed on his head. Carefully, Angle sneaks up behind Undertaker and Triple H as they're trading punches, grabs Triple H and Angle Slams him on the concrete floor. Undertaker goes after Angle, but Angle falls back on his amateur background, taking Undertaker down with a drop toehold and immediately cinching on a sleeper and body scissors until Undertaker passes out. Once again, a WWF show ends with a massive melee, and one person standing, and for the final Raw, it is the focal point of the match: Kurt Angle, WWF Champion, his challengers strewn about at his feet.

 

Smackdown: Mar. 29, '01

 

The final Smackdown before WrestleMania, and the first show following the Earth-shattering bombshells concerning WCW and Paul Heyman, kicks off in the ring with a grudge match, pitting Steven Richards against Kurt Angle in a non-title match-up. Despite the righteous anger of Richards, and his cohorts being at ringside, Richards is unable to get much traction against the WWF Champion, who gets a submission victory off the ankle lock. Val Venis and the APA rush the RTC and drive them from ringside, which Angle watches with an expression of pleasure.

 

"Not that I really like Val and those two big lunkheads," says Angle, "but I gotta thank you for getting rid of them before I had to go and give them a glimpse at what I'm gonna do at Hell In A Cell." The crowd boos, but the Olympic Gold Medalist ignores it. "See, last Monday Night Raw, I showed my superiority. I took out Triple H, and The Rock, and Undertaker, and Chris Jericho. And if they have any brains whatsoever, they'll stay away tonight, or I'll cripple them, just like I did Stone Cold Steve Austin!" The audience pours on the hate for the mention of the fallen but not forgotten Austin. "Oh, yeah, that's right! I didn't just cripple him! I ended his career! He won't even be in Hell In A Cell! And to celebrate that, and my impending, historic victory at WrestleMania, I'm going to bring out Stone Cold later on tonight and interview him about how he feels! I even got a special surprise for him!"

 

Backstage, Shane McMahon arrives in a limousine with WCW on the license plate. As he walks through the hallways, he bumps into Rikishi; Shane shakes his hand, tells him how great it is to see him, and tells him that if the WWF gets too crazy for his blood anymore, "there's always another choice". Shane slips him a business card with the WCW logo on it and continues on his way.

 

Test, Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn head to the ring for six-man action, facing off against Paul Heyman's crew of imports, Rhyno, Spike Dudley and Justin Credible. Heyman himself appears on stage beforehand and informs the six that, just for fun, the match will be no-DQs. The former ECW'ers not only hold their own, but rock the tag champs and Test back on their heels, looking for all the world like instant contenders to the belts, until Spike ends up against Test. The littlest Dudley takes a mountain of punishment, but the no-DQ atmosphere allows for Spike to get some help from his brothers, who drop Test with a 3-D before heading for the back again, only to get cut off and engaged in a brawl with Edge & Christian on the ramp. In the ring, Spike gets the hot tag to Rhyno, who cleans house on the tag champs, Goring Saturn almost right out of his boots while Justin Credible gets a superkick on Dean Malenko to ensure the three-count. Back on the ramp, The Hardys join in the three-way brawl, but get pulled apart by other wrestlers and officials, including William Regal, who makes a three-way tag match for later on so they can get tuned up for TLC II.

 

But as Heyman's team heads backstage, they are Pearl Harbored by Raven and Tazz, then challenge them to a match at WrestleMania, ECW-style. Spike gets an especially horrific beating, being busted wide open and taken away by medics.

 

And if the chaos already rampant through the company isn't enough, cameras are summoned to Triple H's dressing room, where he is found unconscious and bleeding. Laying beside Triple H's still body is a length of chain wrapped in a ball. Medics swarm on the scene as officials ask witnesses in the vicinity if they saw anything, but everyone's story matches: they saw nothing, heard nothing, know nothing.

 

A three-way women's match takes people's minds from the chaos in the back, pitting three women with grudges across the board: Trish Stratus, WWF Women's Champion Ivory, and Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie takes a hammering early on, leaving Trish and Ivory as the primary participants, but to the crowd, neither is acceptable over the other for support. But Stephanie manages to pull herself together and waits for the proper time to spring; Ivory takes a stiff kick on the jaw from Trish, knocking her for a loop, giving Stephanie that golden opportunity. Stephanie rushes Trish from behind, grabbing her top and tearing; with nothing on underneath, Trish has to clamor to keep her breasts covered, leaving her vulnerable to suffer a pinfall, giving Stephanie a measure of revenge for No Way Out.

 

Backstage, Shane bumps into Big Show, letting him know that WCW is coming back, and that despite their differences in the past, Shane recognizes Show's value more then Vince ever did. Show tells Shane he'll put some thought into it.

 

As if the medics weren't busy enough, they're called in a rush to Undertaker, who is in the parking garage, sprawled out on the concrete, his chest having been crushed by a garage door and his head driven into the headlight of his custom Titan motorcycle. With nobody in the parking lot, there is no one to question, but everyone at the scene all have the same suspect in mind.

 

Chris Benoit comes to the ring for a special "submissions-only challenge", a special tune-up he calls it for his submission match against William Regal at WrestleMania. The hand-picked opponent, Crash Holly, comes out, but is pushed aside at the last minute by a surprise: Val Venis, who says he'd love a little tune-up of his own in preparation for WrestleMania. Benoit declines, but Commissioner Regal comes out and ratifies the change in the line-up with a sadistic grin. Venis slides in the ring and, for ten exciting minutes, Venis more then holds his own with Benoit, who grows more and more frustrated as Venis slips out or reverses submission hold after submission hold. When Venis manages to do the seemingly impossible--roll through the Crossface--Benoit snaps and clubs Venis, drawing a disqualification, but Benoit won't stop clubbing and stomping until Regal pulls him off and chops his chest red. Stunned, but not out, Venis takes Benoit down and locks in the Venis Fly Trap long enough to get some screams and for Regal to taunt Benoit before letting him go to suffer the humiliation of being out-wrestled.

 

Shane runs across Eddie Guerrero in the catering area and reminds him that WCW is about to come roaring back and bring the pride back to wrestling. While Guerrero is reluctant to jump on board WCW, he thanks Shane for the compliment of approaching him. As Shane is about to hand Guerrero a business card, Kane comes from out of nowhere and clotheslines them both, then hauls them back up and hits stereo chokeslams through a nearby table. Vince strolls in and taunts Shane, promising him a beating worse than this at WrestleMania, and tells Guerrero he'll regret ever failing the McMahon family.

 

Done in the back, Kane stomps down to the ring for his match, anxious for his next victim. But his opponent is no shrinking violet; it is the Commissioner, who takes it to Kane as if the size difference was reversed. But Benoit comes down and trips up Regal from behind as he lingers near the ringropes; the distraction is enough for Kane to seize Regal and chokeslam him to Hell and back. Standing at ringside, Vince demands one more chokeslam before pinning Regal. Satisfied with his opponent's decimation, Benoit leaves, smiling as Regal writhes in pain.

 

The cameras cut away quick to the dressing room of The Rock, where medics find him in his shower, his head having been rammed into the tile wall (which sports a nasty dent). Too Cool, who are seen outside the door, are interviewed quickly, but both attest to having just passed by and stopping to check out the commotion.

 

The last match of the night is the hastily scheduled Hardys/Dudleys/Edge & Christian three-way dance. From the opening bell, it is a barely-containable storm, with no one paying attention to tagging or rules. The referee, wise to the realization that there is no way he alone can reign in the chaos, turns the other cheek to the match's lack of cohesion. The match dwindles down to a couple participants--Edge and Matt Hardy--as the others wander away, brawling with each other. Edge ends up getting the pin when Lita tries to interfere on Hardy's behalf, but misses a moonsault, and Hardy checks on her, setting him up for a spear. But the fight between the teams continues, right on out the arena, while the tag champs watch on monitors in the back, chuckling.

 

Right before the final commercial break, the camera crews are called back to the parking garage, where they find Chris Jericho lying unconscious next to a car. The back window is caved in deep, as if someone had been thrown into it, and the trunk is covered in head-sized dents. Like The Rock, Undertaker and Triple H before him, Jericho is taken out on a stretcher.

 

When Smackdown comes back from its final commercial break, the glass shatters, sending the crowd into a frenzy. The crowd explodes, but quickly turns when Kurt Angle comes out, wearing a skull cap and a black leather vest, rolling down the ramp in a wheelchair with a six pack of root beer in his lap and a large brace on his foot. Angle mockingly struggles to get into the ring; once in, he pops a root beer, pours a root beer over his head and says; "Steveweiser! Stunner! 3:16! Rattlesnake!" The reception he gets is positively venomous, but Angle couldn't care less. He flips off the crowd with the wrong finger and pours another root beer all over himself, then pauses to note the reaction of the crowd. "Okay, I see some of you are a little upset. And I wouldn't be a very good hero if I didn't live up to promises, so without any further ado ... Stone Cold Steve Austin!"

 

Angle looks to the stage with great anticipation; the glass breaks again, and the crowd goes bananas ... until a midget, dressed like Austin, comes down to the ring, hobbling all the way down. "Wow, Austin! I knew I hurt your ankle, but I didn't know they'd have to amputate both of your legs! I must be better then I thought!" The Austin midget finally gets in the ring and snarls and Angle; Angle shrugs and unceremoniously kicks the little person in the face, sending him sprawling. "It was just that easy to get rid of Austin the first time! And you know what's great? I had you all fooled! I played everybody ... Austin ... Foley ... Vince McMahon ... Triple H ... Chris Benoit ... the Right To Censor ... I played everyone, because unlike all of them, I have Intelligence! I have Intelligence, and I used it to drive this company into the gutter, while I sat on top, the rightful place for an Olympic Hero, as I think we'd all agree, as Champion! And look at my challengers ... I've beaten everyone of them in the ring, and back on Raw, I beat them out of the ring! I'd like to take credit for whatever happened to them tonight, but I think we all know there's a lot of Kurt Angle admirers in the back; they may not want to admit it, for some reason, but their actions speak louder then words. So, whoever it is, I thank you! With the four of them decimated, and Austin out of the match, my WrestleMania's gonna be like a vacation!"

 

Suddenly, the glass breaks for a third time; the audience, conditioning by two phonies, don't leap for the third one until the real Stone Cold Steve Austin hobbles out on crutches, his injured foot clad in an aircast boot. Angle masks his initial expression of shock quickly. "Steve! What a pleasant surprise! Come on down and wish me luck!"

 

Austin limps up the steps and hobbles up to Angle, a sneer carved onto the stone mask of his face. Angle holds a microphone up to him, and for a long time, Austin does nothing but glare. "Steve," says Angle, "I hope you didn't come out here to stare. That's rude, you kno--"

 

With the crutch still under his arm, Austin grabs Angle's hand and pulls it close. "Do you know what it's like to have everything you want, everything you live for, taken away from you? I know you done broke that stack o' dimes you calla neck, but--look at me when I'm talkin' to ya, boy. I been sittin' at home now for a couple weeks, thinkin' 'bout if I'm ever gonna get in this ring again, about how you done screwed me not once but twice. You are without the biggest piece of [bleep] I ever met, and the only thing that hurts worse then my foot is the fact that it's keepin' me from beatin' your sorry ass in Hell In A Cell. You can wipe that stupid little smirk off your face, 'cause you ain't gonna be champ forever. If you had brain-one in that stupid head of yours, you'd know that, someday, somebody's gonna beat your ass and take that little belt from ya, and there ain't nothing you can do to stop it." Austin pauses, the tiniest hint of a smirk breaking out on his face. "And you can bet your ass I'll be there to see it. Well, hell, son ... matter of fact ... if you had just a little intelligence ..."

 

Austin lets the sentence hang uncomfortably until it drives Angle nuts. "What, Austin? If I was intelligent, what?"

 

"Well, you stupid son of a bitch, if you was intelligent, you woulda known I been playin' ya!" Suddenly, Austin drops the crutches and uses the booted foot to plant a kick in Angle's gut. With Angle bent over, Austin snaps off a perfect Stunner as the crowd comes out of their seats. As Angle lays on the mat, Austin rips off the the boot and walks around the ring to show that his ankle is, in fact, perfectly fine. When Angle begins to stir, Austin picks up one of the crutches, waits until Angle is up to one knee and swings for the fences; the impact of the crutch to Angle's head sends pieces of the crutch flying into the audience. With the broken crutch, Austin starts laying into Angle's prone body, shot after shot after shot after shot, beating on him for a good thirty seconds before stopping to grab one of Angle's root beers; he flips Angle over and sits him up, then smashes the can in Angle's face, busting him wide open. After a few more shots with the crutch, Austin grabs the mic, gets down on the mat and right in Angle's face. "You can bet your ass I will be at WrestleMania, you piece of crap! I will be at WrestleMania, I will be in that Cell, and just like I done beat them other four sons of bitches, I will beat your ass until your own wife don't recognize ya, ya gutless piece o' crap!" Austin leaps back up and beats on Angle some more with the crutch until Angle doesn't even react anymore, and just a little bit longer after that. The last image on Smackdown before the fade to black is of Austin, holding Angle's WWF Championship belt aloft on one of the turnbuckles, toasting it with a beer to the borderline riotous excitement of the crowd.

 

WrestleMania X-Seven: Apr. 1, '01

 

The biggest show of the year, headlined by no less than three matches guaranteed to be hyper-violent and overflowing with long-simmered hatred, kicks off with six-man tag action, pitting recent ECW refugees Rhyno, Spike Dudley and Justin Credible against two fellow ECW alums, Raven and Tazz, and their partner, Hardcore Holly. While Raven, Tazz and Holly fight admirably, they're quickly overwhelmed by Paul Heyman's imports and their unending fire and hunger to prove their worth. Even Spike Dudley overcomes a hellacious beating from his adversaries, debuting the Acid Drop in the WWF on Raven, while Credible nearly superkicks Tazz's head off, and Rhyno Gores Holly almost clean in half for the victory. As Heyman congratulates his imports on their way back, Raven and Tazz take their frustrations out by beating down Holly for not living up to his moniker of "hardcore".

 

Eddie Guerrero approaches the ring alone, ready for his showdown with the man that, of late, has cut a swath through the roster in recent months: Kane. Immediately, Kane sets out to make it a short match by pummeling Guerrero into paste and, apart from a brief burst of offense at the onset with Guerrero going after Kane's knee, the Big Red Machine's plan goes according to script. But an attempt to tear Guerrero's face off with a big boot in the corner goes awry when Guerrero ducks, leaving Kane to snag his leg on the top rope. Fighting horrific fatigue and soreness, Guerrero zones in on the leg. Kane tries to counter a Guerrero run off the ropes with a chokeslam, but his leg gives out. Again, Guerrero goes to work on the leg, and even nails a frog splash onto the leg to further the damage. But as Guerrero goes for a figure-four, Kane kicks off, sending Guerrero face-first into the turnbuckle; Kane makes the cover, but only gets two, and goes for a one-legged chokeslam. With his balance upset, the chokeslam comes off weak, and as he goes for the cover, Guerrero pulls him down into a small package, rolls out of it, grabs Kane's legs and locks on his rarely-used Lasso From El Paso in the center of the ring. With nowhere to go, Kane has no choice but to tap.

 

Malenko and Saturn approach the right in preparation for TLC 2 with extreme caution, as the announcers recap their failures in recent weeks to adapt to the hardcore natures of tables, ladders and chairs. By contrast, the three challenging teams enter the ring with confidence, and even a noticable amount of zeal, at home among the various pain-inflicting devices. As soon as the bell rings, mayhem breaks out; the tag champs each go after a member of the Hardys and Edge & Christian, trying to work on a limb to weaken it, while everyone else reaches for the items which give the match its name. As one person after another tries to climb the ladder, the threat of his tag champions being unseated brings out Vince McMahon on the stage, who watches with a measurable degree of worry. But when Vince starts to inch towards interfering as the Dudleys set up Saturn on a table, he gets cut off by two unlikely allies: Lita, friend of the Hardy brothers, and Spike Dudley. In the ring, the action takes on more frightening tones, as everyone puts life and limb on the line as they try to get the belts, including a daring attempt by Jeff Hardy to walk across the tops of three ladders to get to the belts that ends in a crushing fall to the mat; a dramatic spear from Edge on the top turnbuckle to Matt Hardy, hanging on the belts; a Bubba Cutter on Perry Saturn off the ladder through a table; and, courtesy of a 20-foot ladder found under the ring, a mind-blowing Swanton Bomb by Jeff Hardy on Dean Malenko through a table on the arena floor. When the final bell rings, and the bodies are strewn about in the ring and around it, there are new WWF Tag Team Champions, but they are neither the daredevil Hardys, or the extremist Dudleys; they are the unctuous, irritating Edge & Christian who come up with the gold.

 

Steven Richards leads his Right To Censor troop to the ring with the confidence of a man leading an army twice the size of his opponent's into battle. "Tonight," he says amid a chorus of 50,000-plus people booing, "the Right To Censor will stand up for the slighted decency of every one of you people, even if you're too awash in moral terpitude to realize it! Tonight, we will stab a good and proper conservative dagger into the very heart of this cancerous, sinful company by ridding it of not only three of its most morally bankrupt citizens in the APA and Val Venis, but we shall go straight to the heart of the beast when we demolish the shameless daughter of sin herself, Stephanie McMahon! After tonight, you all will praise me as the hero I am, and you will beg me to continue our crusade against indecency and filth and eliminate such vile, contemptable scum as The Rock and Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin!"

 

Any traces of their normal nature, though--be it the cigar-smoking, whiskey-drinking good ol' boys of the APA, or the slick lothario that is Val Venis--is nowhere to be found as Venis, Bradshaw, Faarooq and Stephanie approach the ring. As soon as they hit, they're trading blows with the RTC, looking for the advantage. They find when, after the ring is cleared out and brawls continue on the floor, Bradshaw scores a Clothesline From Hell on Goodfather for a pinfall and a four-to-three advantage. When the ref regains control of the match, Richards sends in the big Bull Buchanan to even the odds, and for a while, Faarooq is in danger of being eliminated. But a timely tag to Val Venis revives the anti-RTC team's fortunes, and leads to another elimination against the RTC. Panicking, Richards orders Ivory to get in; Stephanie gladly obliges, going over to Ivory's corner to hold open the ring ropes. Recognizing the RTC as a sinking ship, however, Ivory drops down and starts to walk away; Stephanie jumps out, catches her from behind and throws her in by the hair, then sets to work pounding Ivory down. Multiple times, Ivory tries to scramble out of the ring for safety, but Stephanie cuts her off and, eventually, is able to wear down Ivory enough to score a pinfall, leaving Richards alone. Like Ivory, Richards tries a retreat, but the APA and Venis quickly surround the RTC's leader and spokesman, toss him in the ring, and are set to torture him when Stephanie interrupts on the microphone; "Him and his friends have poisoned my company long enough," she says. "I don't want him and his kind here anymore. Get rid of him." Her partners feign disappointment, then jump right into business; first, a Clothesline From Hell, then a Dominator, and then a Money Shot. Stephanie shakes hands with all three, and they all pin Richards simultaneously, putting one foot on his unmoving carcass to bring an end to the Right To Censor.

 

Accompanied by Trish Stratus, pushing Linda McMahon in a wheelchair, Vince McMahon approaches the ring with a sneer on his face, looking both ready for battle and disgusted. As he scans the disapproving crowd, his eye catches a large group of people seated in a luxury box; prominently displayed in the windows of the box is a banner with three large, colorful letters that gets under Vince's skin immediately: WCW. And Vince's mood doesn't improve when, before his opponent can come out, his new co-owner Paul Heyman comes out and takes up residence at the announce table. With his nerves already dancing on a razor's edge, the final push comes when Shane McMahon is serenaded to the ring by the theme music to WCW Monday Nitro; Vince runs down the aisle and tackles Shane, engaging in a rolling-on-the-floor fistfight. The McMahon boys don't even come close to the ring until they're separated by the surprise special guest referee: Mick Foley. Vince's face goes sheet white at seeing his former whipping boy, who points to the referee shirt on his portly frame when Vince tries to protest, and reaffirms position by telling Vince that Heyman assigned him as the official. Shane takes advantage of Vince's argument with Foley to grab a stop sign laying nearby and hammers Vince across the back; Vince scurries into the ring, with Shane and Foley close behind. Shane peppers Vince with quick fists and fancy footwork, and mixes in plenty of hardcore action, busting open the 50-something Chairman Of The Board's forehead with a shot by a chair. But Trish comes to her boyfriend's aid and boots Shane in the balls, giving Vince time to recover and plot a gruesome beatdown. Slowly, tauntingly, Vince begins to dissect his son, utilizing everything he can find at ringside, from a chair to a tabletop fan from Jim Ross' announce table, to the timekeeper's hammer. By the time Vince is ready to make a cover, Shane is a limp dishrag, his blood pooling wherever he lays; but when Vince goes for a cavalier pin, Shane kicks out at 1. Vince makes a serious cover, hooking the leg, but again, Shane kicks out. Vince tries a third pin, but again, Shane kicks out. Vince argues with Foley about the speed of the count, and when Foley reiterates his position, Vince clocks him. Vince barks out an order to Trish to fetch a weapon from under the ring; but as the blonde bombshell ducks down, another person rises up from their seat: Linda McMahon. With single-minded purpose gleaming in her eyes like a sun gone supernova, Linda walks up behind Trish, grabs two handfuls of hair and drags her up to her feet. With Vince looking on in shock, Linda turns Trish around to face her and unleashes with a stiff slap that spins Trish around and puts her on the ground. Vince breaks out of his reverie and drops down to the floor to get in his wife's face, but Linda responds with a slap that rocks his jaw and spins him around as well, to end up face to face with Paul Heyman, who kicks Vince in the nuts. Together, they toss Vince into the ring as Shane gets to his feet. Foley, now recovered from the punch, pulls out Socko and jams it down the gullet of the WWF Chairman, leaving him a convulsing mess on the mat. Shane puts his father slumped in a corner, puts a trashcan in his father's lap, and goes across the ring to the other corner and, amid a sea of flashbulbs, sails through the air and dropkicks the trashcan into Vince's face. Shane drags Vince to the middle of the ring and covers him for a three count made by Foley, Linda and Heyman together. The crowd erupts in cheers as the threesome celebrate together with hugs and upraised hands, which turns into a rousing chorus of "Na, Na, Hey, Hey, Goodbye" as Vince and Trish slowly, shamefully, retreat.

 

The Test/Big Show proves short, but memorable, as Show throws Test around the ring like a ragdoll, taking his time and torturing Vince McMahon's hired thug. But as Show looks ready to put Test down for the count, a timely referee distraction by Trish Stratus allows Test to use brass knuckles to pop Show between the eyes; amazingly, one punch only makes the big man stagger, so Test clocks him again, which fails to do much more than put Show down on one knee. Fuming, Test comes off the ropes and lunges, brass knuckle-covered-fist first, at Show; the third shot is the trick, felling Show like a tree in the forest for the winning pinfall.

 

Like a big-money prize fight, Chris Benoit and William Regal wait in their corners until the referee rings the bell for their submission match for Benoit's Intercontinental Championship; once rung, the two patiently circle one another and test each other out with mat wrestling, counters and reversals that bring the crowd to their feet, but get the competitors nowhere in their fight for the victory. It is Benoit who finally abandons the mat wrestling game, striking Regal and going to suplexes and high-impact moves to daze Regal enough so that work over the arm without trouble. But Regal proves a harder nut to crack, and counters with stiff chops and attacks directed at the legs of Benoit. Regal gets the first attempt at a submission, getting a figure-four, but Benoit reaches the ropes; a leg grapevine also gets a rope-break, but Benoit manages to counter a spinning toe-hold by pulling Regal down to the mat by the arm. From there, Benoit works a variety of submissions, from armbars to a Camel Clutch, but not only will Regal not tap, he refuses to do resort to a rope break and breaks every hold manually. Finally, Benoit gets frustrated and uses the rules to his advantage by blasting Regal with a chair square in the head. But, despite being knocked senseless and busted open, Regal will not submit to a Dragon Sleeper, even as he screams out in agony while blood courses down his face. Finally, with Regal refusing to submit or move to the ropes, and, somehow, fighting the lure of unconsciousness, the referee demands Benoit break the hold. The ref has to grab a handful of Benoit's hair to physically pull him off Regal; the proactive move gets Benoit off and up to his feet, but also right in the referee's face, arguing. He doesn't notice Regal roll out to the floor, trying to recoup and get some feeling back in his stretched and strained muscles. When Benoit finally does notice, Regal reaches in, grabs Benoit by the legs, sweeps him down and crotches him on the post. With Benoit momentarily stunned, Regal grabs a chair; he makes sure Benoit's leg is still against the post, then swings the chair, crushing the leg between the post and the chair. Regal swings again as his eyes go wide with rage and bloodlust, then swings a third time. Regal tosses the chair into the ring, climbs in and uses it to Pillmanize the ankle a couple times. With the crowd ready to explode, Regal slaps on the Regal Stretch in the middle of the ring. Benoit reaches for the ropes even as he lets out the most God-awful, inhuman screams ever uttered by a wrestler, but Regal keeps Benoit firmly in place. Benoit tries a reversal, but Regal manages to cinch in the hold as tight as ever, even as his own blood pours down his face. With the pain too much, and Regal locked on like a pair of vice grips, Benoit has no choice but to tap out. Regal holds onto the move a few seconds longer after the ref calls for the bell, just to rub it in, but when he lets go, he collapses to the mat. The ref has to pick his hand up off the mat to raise it and places the belt across Regal's chest as he gasps for breath, looking nothing like the victor, but the new Intercontinental Champion despite appearences.

 

The crowd rumbles with anticipation as a pulsating beat accompanies the lowering of the cell for the main event. A vignette rolls, showing the nearly 18 months worth of history that have led to this historic, hellish contest: the manipulations of Kurt Angle against not only WWF Superstars, but his own co-conspirators and the owners; attempted murder with the hit-and-run; and the stealing of the Royal Rumble victory to avoid a title defense. The vignette has a glimpse at each wrestler and the crimes they suffered under the Machiavellian plotting of Angle, and their vow to take his title and exterminate him.

 

The first music to hit pleasantly surprises everyone: it is Shawn Michaels, the mystery special referee for the main event. One by one, the challengers come out, each one greeted with borderline psychotic zeal. Angle comes out last, but when he gets to the door of the cell and finds a virtual firing squad all waiting patiently, side by side, for him to step into the mouth of the lion, he refuses to enter. Michaels approaches him, but Angle turns and goes to leave, until the aisleway fills up with Heyman and his trio, standing side by side with arms crossed. Angle backs up, unaware that Austin has opened the door to the cell, waiting until Angle is within reach and drags him in. Once Michaels gets in, the door is chained and padlocked shut, and Angle is at the mercy of five very angry, very bloodthirsty men, who proceed to corner and take turns mauling the champion. Within three minutes of the match's official beginning, Angle is bleeding, beaten and out on his feet. But the desire to bring the match to a quick end turns everyone against each other, with old rivalries boiling over in the hellish environment; Rock and Undertaker renew their hatred, while Jericho and Triple H pick up where they left off, leaving Austin alone with the vulnerable champion. Only when Austin nails a series of Stunners on Angle and goes for another pin do the other fights break up and the action spills across all lines. Save for Angle, who is too beaten to do much of anything other then stumble away on occasion, the rest of the group take advantage of the cell and the no-rules environment, pulling out chairs, a sledgehammer and using the cell itself as a partner to inflict pain upon one another; Rock gets his brains scrambled when his head is sandwiched between the cage and a swinging steel chair from Triple H; Undertaker blasts Austin in the head with the hammer, knocking him off the apron and into the cage. But the first really big spot is a huge high-risk move by Jericho, who, seeing Angle leaning against the cage trying to catch his breath, hits a springboard dropkick from in the ring, over the top rope and down to the floor. The force of the impact rips the wire mesh off the frame and sends Angle tumbling through the hole in the cell wall. Gradually, as people realize Angle is no longer in the cell, his opponents leave the cell in search of him. With time to recover and plan, Angle waylays his pursuers by attacking them with a chair as they crawl through the hole, but as he takes one down, another comes out, and soon, Angle has to run to stay alive. But with the entire ringside area encapsulated, he has only one choice: scale the cell, which he does. And, one by one, he is followed up the cell, where the brawling continues as the crowd waits with baited breath to see if anyone will take the plunge. As soon as people get distracted, Angle once again leaves, dropping down the cell on the aisle side, only to once again be confronted by Heyman's enforcers. Rhino is about to step up and confront Angle, but Heyman holds him back and yells at Angle to get back into the fight and take what's coming to him. With his opponents on top, the aisle blocked, and ringside encircled by the cell, Angle has only one choice: get back into the cell. Angle demands the officials unlock the door; as they get it undone, Angle decks the official, steals the key, the lock and chain, then enters the cell and chains the door shut behind himself just in time for almost everyone on the roof of the cell to scale down the door side and demand entrance. Angle taunts them with the key, not seeing that, behind him, Austin, weakened and bloody (like everyone else in the match), is crawling through the hole in the wall. Austin crawls to the ring apron, lifts it up and searches for something while everyone else tries to rip the door off the frame, but to no avail. Jericho starts to climb the cage, only to get pulled down by Triple H; likewise, when Rock tries to ascend, Undertaker pulls him back down and the brawling starts anew. None of them, Angle included, see Austin rise from under the apron holding a large burlap sack that makes everyone gasp. Austin waits until Angle turns around and freezes, a deer in the approaching headlights of the speeding semi known as Stone Cold Steve Austin; a sick grin breaks out on Austin's face as he pulls the tie off the sack, reaches in and pulls out a handful of everyone's suspicions: thumbtacks. But instead of doing anything with them in the ring, Austin tosses them down in front of the hole, and through the fencing on the outside of the hole, a minefield for anyone who can make it over the cell wanting in ... and a blockade for anyone trying to get out. Alone, in an enclosed space with his first and worst victim, Angle falls to his knees and pleads, but Austin listens to not even a syllable and pulverizes Angle, first by punching him down, then stomping him mercilessly, then grabbing a chair and re-enacting his crutch-beating of Angle from Smackdown. When Angle's body won't move anymore, Austin pauses to look at the progress of his opponents: Jericho is on now on top of the cell and trying to get across, with The Rock in close pursuit, and Undertaker and Triple H not far behind. Austin raises the chair to bash Angle's limp, motionless body once more, but Shawn Michaels catches the chair and tells Austin to end it. For a brief moment, there is a tense staredown as Austin and Michaels, never friends, consider the possibilities ... and for a moment, there is a gleam in Austin's eye that there can never be enough vengeance, enough blood split, enough pounds of flesh taken against the wages of Angles's sins. But a few words from Michaels kills the glint in Austin's eyes; he tosses the chair aside and spares a glance at his other opponents; Jericho and The Rock have managed to hit the floor and are working, carefully, to sweep tacks away so they don't have to crawl through them. Austin grabs Angle by the hair and drags him to his feet; he sticks a middle finger before Angle's rolled-back eyes, snaps off a picture-perfect Stunner and makes the cover. The other four participants hustle to brush away the tacks, but the deafening explosion of applause from the crowd tells them their efforts are for naught: Kurt Angle is defeated. Stone Cold Steve Austin, bloody, sore, a year and a half removed from what could've been a career-ending (or even fatal) attack, is the new World Wrestling Federation Champion. In the center of the ring is his attacker, unconscious, bleeding, almost surely injured ... and beaten. Humiliated. His months of planning, spoiled as Austin toasts the belt--Austin's belt now--with a few Steveweisers. With the cell raised, the other four challengers now walk into the ring and confront Austin; each one shakes hands with Austin, last of which is The Rock, who smiles through the curtain of blood on his face as he congratulates Austin. Everyone in the ring, Austin first and foremost, knows that sooner or later, everyone is going to get a shot at Austin; over the past six months, every one of them and more (Chris Benoit, William Regal and a few others) has earned a shot to become WWF Champion. And provided that he can keep winning, Austin is ready to face them all.

 

But everyone also knows that just because Angle was defeated by Austin on this night doesn't mean that the desire for vengeance is done. No, not by a long shot; in fact, Austin and everyone in the ring knows that between a shot at Austin and the title, and a shot at exacting revenge upon the diabolical Kurt Angle, the line for Angle might be longer.

 

The End