| It's
that time of year again, kiddies. That's right, Halloween
4: The Return of Michael Myers AND Halloween 5: The
Revenge of Michael Myers in their glorious edited versions
being shown back to back on an endless loop on AMC can mean
but one thing: All Hallows Eve has fallen upon us mortals. And
not a moment too soon - I've been waiting forever to dig back
through the old Halloween Havoc archives and look at some of
the most craptastic costumes ever to grace a wrestling ring.
Now most of these are from Halloween Havoc 1990, which was at
the height of the Jim Herd reign of WCW and "let's copy
the WWF by being cartoony". Please don't get me wrong,
I LOVE HH 90. Though there ARE bits of Wrestlecrap to be found
(i.e. Fake Sting Mark I), overall it's a very enjoyable show
to watch.
And
how could you not love a wrestling PPV that attempted to drum
up interest with a sweepstakes!
Note
to Vince McMahon and Dixie Carter: every wrestling PPV should
have a SWEEPSTAKES.
It's
a fun word to say, it's a fun word to write.
| What
could possibly make it even better? Attaching a little
brain teaser to it, which is exactly what WCW did. In
order to win tickets to Havoc 90, fans had to decipher
the clues to figure out the "MYSTERY WRESTLER."
Here's
clue number one!
I'm
thinking either Frankenstein ditched the neck bolts and
moved to Californy... |
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...or
the guy from Kid N' Play learned the Scorpion.
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What?
Sting?!
No
free tickets for me!
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They
even got Elvira to promote the show with Sid "Frankenstein's
Promos Make More Sense Than I Do" Vicious.
Sadly,
they didn't get her to do commentary...with Sid.
I feel very cheated.
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Anyways,
the show starts off with Jim "Nathan Detroit from
Guys and Dolls" Ross and Paul E. Draculasly.
JR
and Paul have been a favorite commentary team of mine,
I always thought these two should have a sitcom.
He's
a singing gangster.
He's
a kosher vampire.
They're
the original Odd Couple!
Da
da da da da daaaaaaa, da da da da da da daaaa.
Come
on, sing it...err...scat it along with me!
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During
the show, we get Tracy Smothers and Steve Armstrong
both dressed up like Jim Cornette to distract him at
ringside during the opening Midnight Express match.
Gotta
admit: the pillow under the shirt makes me laugh each
time.
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| Later
on, we also have Tony Schiavone as Andrew Lloyd Webber's
Phantom of the Opera doing the interview segments. Here
he's with Confederate General James E. Cornette who tells
Tony to cover up his whole face instead of half.
James E. should write these inductions.
(Note
from RD: The offer stands, Jim. The offer stands!) |
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Naturally,
Jim isn't wild about the Southern Boys mocking him,
so he interferes in their match...and gets a spankin'
for his troubles.
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"Yarrr,
that'll replace the whale in me nightmares!"
Apparently
Corney was originally supposed to have a pumpkin smashed
on his head and wander around aimlessly with a Jack
O' Lantern head.
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He
vetoed that in favor of being stripped and spanked by
Tracy Smothers while having his head jammed in Steve Armstrong's
crotch.
We
love Jim Cornette and all, but really need to question
his decision making there.
REALLY
need to question it. |
We
also have Missy Hyatt as a fairy godmother.
Let
me repeat that, because even I am having a tough time
grasping the concept: MISSY HYATT = FAIRY GODMOTHER. |
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I
really can't see her being a fairy godmother to anyone
but maybe Chris Sarandon's in the process of becoming
a transsexual character in Dog Day Afternoon.
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Going
through the crowd to pass out free goodies is Norman,
who's been a Lunatic, a Teddy Bear lover, a Trucker,
and now a Pumpkin. And also "The Juicer" (way
to steal a gimmick from a 2 year old movie) as a court
jester.
If it was Art Barr the wrestler dressed as Beetlejuice,
it would've actually made sense.
Wait
a minute, why am I trying to make sense of anything
in WCW?
What's
wrong with me?
(Note
from RD: Yep, it was about the one-year mark of me writing
these things that I lost all sense and sanity too. Welcome
to my nightmare.)
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And
Kevin Nash is supposed to be Road Warrior Animal!
What?
He wasn't supposed to be Animal? That was actually his
gimmick at the time?
Never
thought I'd say Vinnie Vegas was a step up as a gimmick,
but there you go.
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A
decidely non-Ghetto Theme Park Skeletor and Zombie David
Bowie in the crowd tonight.
Paul
E: Hey look, Ross, your family is here!
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Sadly,
the following Halloween Havoc was toned down significantly
in the "dressing up" department.
But
while everyone else was phoning it in with "normal"
outfits, Missy Hyatt, no longer a fairy Godmother (FAIRY
GODMOTHER!!!!!), did get all gussed up as...
....as...
...I'm
not quite sure what.
Seriously,
I've looked at this screen grab for hours on end, and
I remain unsure of what she's going for here.
Can
can dancer?
Vegas
showgirl?
Oh
wait, now I've got it!
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You're
Janice from the Muppets!
(Note
from RD: Silver star for you figuring it out, Kelly,
and Gold star for Missy dressing up as such an obscure
Henson creation.
I'm
reserving my Platinum star in the hopes that Bill Watts
will show up later in this induction as the Swedish
Chef.)
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And
of course Eric Bischoff as "Count Fagula",
who makes George Hamilton's Dracula look like Jack Palance...who
also played Dracula. I will say Eric is a better vampire
than the pale, boring emos from Twilight.
I
say that as an authority on vampire films.
I've
seen em all.
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Halloween
Havoc 92 had no dressing up whatsoever because that
was also in Bill Watts's "Things To Make The Wrestlers
and TBS Employees Hate Me" list of rules but 1993
had Tony Schiavone as Jesse Ventura (I liked that) and
Jesse Ventura as "Bourbon Street's best gynecologist".
I
wonder if Jesse used this clip during his Gubernatorial
campaign to convince the women voters he's concerned
about women's health issues.
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I
was going to end the induction there but then I just
remembered the GREAT intro to Havoc 93 where the world's
oldest trick or treaters (seriously, the "kid"
on the far right looks like he's about 35 years old)
ring Tony Schiavone's doorbell, where he behaves
in a rather creepy, pedophilic manner.
I'm
shocked he didn't just say, "I have candy!"
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"Do
you wanna see something REALLY scary?" Then Tony
shows them the figures of how much money WCW lost since
Ted Turner bought the company from Jim Crockett in 1988.
He then offers them cookies and beckons them into his
house.
I
don't like where this is going!
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Once
the kids have been lured into Uncle Tony's Pleasure Palace,
he just stares at the camera.
Then
he smiles.
Nope,
don't like where this is going at all. |
Inside,
Tony teleports to the top of the stairs and continues
to make uncomfortable, To Catch a Predator chat
with the kids as Eddie Munster's Snickers-addicted twin
pokes his nose and demands that Tony stop trying to
pick them up and deliver on his promise of bringing
the scary.
Umm,
kid, I think the kind of "scary" Tony may
be bringing you will have you talking to a shrink in
about 15 years.
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Thankfully,
Tony keeps his pants on, choosing instead to remove his
head to reveal... |
OH... |
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...MY... |
...GOD!!! |
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NOOO!!!
(Note
from RD: Could have been worse. Carrot Top could have
been massaging Stephanie McMahon's feet again.)
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No,
it's actually a monster of some sort.
I
say "of some sort", because I am not quite sure
what it is supposed to be. It's like the folks at the
mask factory just took all the scraps off the floor at
the end of a shift and glued them together.
And
I really don't want to know what's going on with his nose.
(Note
from RD: Corn dog?)
(Note
from Blade: Dildo?)
(Note
from RD: How di I know you were going to say "dildo"?)
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Yeah, RD, I knew he was going to say it too.
If
you can recover from that traumatizing image, have a Happy Halloween,
everyone!
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