| Well,
it's finally official. We have another Monday Night War.
Ok, ok...I know. One side thinks it's a war. The other side
seems unaware that it is even being attacked. I think Lance
Storm put it best with his analogy that this was like "Canada
declaring war on the USA, with Canada deciding to lead the
charge with mainly veteran soldiers from WWII, because none
of the current soldiers in the Military have big war experience."
And spare us the hate mail, Nathaniels of this world. Look
at the Nielsen ratings. WWE's Raw did a 3.4 to TNA Impact's
0.98. Now if you want to break down ratings for quarter hours
and particular segments, go to Bryan Alvarez's Figure 4 Daily
and see how everything scored. But here's a sneak peak for
you: in the first Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair match in over a
decade, the pair combined to score the lowest ratings of the
night at a 0.76.
That,
friends, is an amazing, complete, and utter failure. Seriously,
that's two of the biggest stars in wrestling history, and
now they are at the very bottom of the ratings barrel. That,
honestly, is astounding.
But I can hear all of you passionate TNA fans out there. "It's
the first week! It doesn't happen overnight!" and "WWE
is building up Wrestlemania! Wait til after!" Okay, fair
enough. But...in my lone opinion (Note
from RD: you are definitely not alone in this opinion),
I don't think much is going to change. "The more things
change, the more they stay the same" is an apropos quote
in this situation.
(Note
from RD: I'll stick with my motto here: The less
things change, the more they stay the same.)
Along with Flair and Hogan on this nonsensical ride is none
other than the man who masterminded WCW's rise in the mid
'90's: Eric Bischoff. A lot has been written about the guy
over the years, but you have to give the devil his due: when
the original Monday Night War started, no one gave WCW a chance
against the WWF. Bischoff, though, made all the critics eat
their words by creating a revolutionary product, one completely
different from that which wrestling fans were accostumed to
seeing.
As
WCW stomped the WWF every week in the ratings, Bischoff would
gloat about how he was sticking it to the WWF, and in particular,
to Vince McMahon. In fact, McMahon seemed to be an obsession
with Bischoff, and soon enough, Vince was firing shots back
at the competition in return.
I
should note that while Bischoff was corking off at Vince,
Vince never really retuned the favor.
You
see, Bischoff was at war with McMahon.
McMahon
always claimed to be at war with Ted Turner.
And
I've gotta believe that ate Eric alive.
| Regardless
of who viewed who as the general in each army, it
truly became a war. Silly antics were played on both
sides, with one memorable night seeing D-Generation
X show up at a WCW Nitro at the Norfolk Scope.
Natuarlly,
the group was barred from the arena so the next week
they decided to "invade" WCW's modest looking
headquarters in Smyrna, GA.
You
know, even though I knew better, I always liked to
think WCW was located at the Techwood drive studio.
Guess it's the old WCW Saturday Night girl in me.
Pity
we were shown otherwise. |
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So
anyway, DX got no further at the headquarters, fended
off by a security guard who honestly had no idea
what was going on.
The cops were called and told that "twenty-five
guys" were "attacking" their offices.
If
Shawn were around, I bet they would have been Marines.
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So yeah, the crew rolled around, looking for WCW,
in what was unquestionably the weirdest remake of
Hogan's Heroes you could ever fathom.
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Denied
entrance at both the arenas and WCW HQ, DX resorted
to heading to CNN Center.
There
they were joined by two elderly women who appeared
to be Clare Peller (former WrestleMania time keeper
and Wendy's "Where's the Beef?" shillmeister)
and the creepy preacher guy from Poltergeist
2.
(Quick
note from RD: A lot of people have fond memories
of these skits. I do too. Something those of you
who haven't read Death
of WCW
may not know is they actually led to a lawsuit,
as the WWF went so far as to digitally alter the
sign outside the Scope to read that "Tickets
are still available" when in fact they weren't.
This led to one of many real-life lawsuits between
the two companies.)
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The
DX bait was taken as that evening on Nitro,
as Eric Bischoff decided enough was enough and decided
he just had to respond to these attempts by the
WWF to "invade" WCW by riding out to the
ring on his Hog.
Note
the "Hogan is Just Too Old" sign there.
This,
I should note, was 12 years ago.
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Bischoff
addressed DX's "invasion" attempts by
saying that Vince has been conveeeeniently sending
DX to places where Vince knows he will not be and
by calling the members of DX "puppets".
This from a guy who was the Woozel named Peanut
to Kevin Nash's Jeff Dunham.
He
says that this situation could be rectified easily
because WCW's Slamboree PPV will be coming to the
WWF's "backyard" of Worcester, Massachusetts
this upcoming Sunday.
So he issues an open
invitation to Vince to fight him in the ring at
the PPV.
He
then adds the brilliant selling point that if the
fans expect Vince to show up to not buy the PPV.
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| That
bait and switch claim came up a few days later on
WCW Thunder, with Bischoff reading a letter
in the middle of the ring from Vince's attorney "the
famed and terrifying" Jerry McDevitt, saying
that Vince won't be showing up to the PPV (and stated
as much on the WWF's official website).
McDevitt
also claimed that Bischoff, by telling the fans a
match WON'T happen EXPECT the match to happen.
See,
because wrestling is built on lies.
Wouldn't
you have loved to see that statement argued in a court
of law?
Bisch reiterates his challenge and says Head of Security
Doug Dillinger will be looking out for Vince at the
building.
Not
to cast aspirsions, but I wouldn't count on Doug to
look out for anything, as he was known to take naps
many times as fans raided the wrestlers' locker rooms.
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The
pitiful desperation continues as Bisch does a Frank
Miller-directed nWo "paid announcement"
taunting Vince and training incredibly hard for
this fight that isn't going to happen.
This
kinda reminds me of an incident around the same
time, when Jim Cornette challenged Paul Heyman to
a "shoot fight" at the Eddie Gilbert Memorial
Brawl to draw a few more people in attendance for
the show that was scheduled to run in ECW's backyard
of Philadelphia.
Paul
E's response: he told Cornette to go f*** himself.
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| The
day of the PPV comes and Bischoff
is given a modest introduction on his way to the
ring by Michael Buffer.
Bisch
is gearing up to do battle as Michael Buffer announces,
"From Stamford, Connecticut: Vincent K. McMahon." |
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Just as predicted, no one steps through the smoke-filled
door. Nowadays if this sort of angle is done, they'll
have a crummy impersonator and have a bad 10 minute
match as the fans boo and chant.
Buffer
announces him yet again and still, Vince doesn't
come through the door. Even Tony
Schiavone sounds annoyed that they're going
through this whole charade.
If you want real comedy, kids, then you owe it to
yourself to watch this match on WWE Classics On
Demand. Instead of silence for Vince's 'entrance',
we are treated to his entrance theme, "No Chance
in Hell!"
I've
heard of people taking WWE to court for their revisionist
history, but that is such a bizarre edit that I
am honestly left speechless.
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So
Bischoff argues with the referee like it's his fault
Vince isn't here and says that they have no choice
but to count Vince out.
I'd
mock Eric for this, but really, how much more silly
is it than the Billionaire Ted skits?
Oh
right - we've inducted that too.
You
stink, Bischoff!
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If
you thought everyone in the crowd hated this, you'd
be wrong.
As
you can see, Corky was very happy with the match.
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One
count out later, Eric is awared the match as the
fans boo.
Eric revels in the victory...one of the last he'd
get over Vince, real or imaginary.
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To think,
years later when Vince finally bought WCW and Bischoff joined
the company he competed with and obsessed over...they hugged
in the middle of the ring. As RD once stated, that was like
taking a barrel filled with money and setting it ablaze.
And now it looks like Bischoff wants to compete with Vince
once again, 12 years later.
Good luck, Uncle Eric.
You're gonna need it.
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