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Text
by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and
Sean Carless; Photoshoppery
by Sean Carless and
RD Reynolds
Follow Justin on Facebook here
and on Twitter here;
Check out Sean on Facebook here
and his website here
SIR MO AWAITS PHONE CALL FROM TNA, "THRILLED" ABOUT ELEVATION TO KING
By RD Reynolds
Westminster, SC – Dixie Carter and Impact Wrestling stunned the sports entertainment world today by announcing the signing of King Mo, the first-ever pro wrestler who will also be regularly competing in mixed martial arts events for Bellator. And while pundits the world over were surprised by the move, amazing no one was more shocked than Mo himself.
"I won't lie, I didn't wake up this morning expecting this," stated Robert Horne from his dilapidated trailer in rural South Carolina. "But I can't wait to get back in the ring."
Horne, 48, was a mainstay of World Wrestling Federation cards in the mid 90's as half of the tag team Men on a Mission with his partner Mabel. The two ascended the ranks, eventually winning the WWF tag team titles. After a brief run with the belts, however, Mabel targeted the WWF World Title, becoming a king in the process and dubbing his partner Sir Mo.
"Yeah, Sir Mo," Horne said, stroking his filthy beard. "I've been Sir Mo for almost 20 years. Didn't think I'd ever move past that. Thought I'd die with that title. But then I got the phone call this morning and man...I don't even know what to say. Just thrilled, I guess."
The call came from his long-time confidant, Oscar, who told Horne that he had seen on the internet that TNA had signed "King Mo" to a deal where he would not only wrestle, but also do shoot fighting.
"I hadn't heard of TNA or Impact until this morning when Oscar told me about it. I'll be honest, it's been years since I could afford cable. He also said something about Bellator, but neither of us have any idea what that even is. Sounds cool though, like something you'd order at a Shoney's."
Asked about his long term goals, Horne just shook his head. "Don't know, don't care. I'm finally a king."
As a tear rolled down his cheek, he whispered it again.
"I'm finally a king."
Archived Headlies:
ERIC BISCHOFF TOUTS TNA’S RATINGS VICTORIES OVER UHF STATION IN IDAHO AS “PROOF OF TNA’S DOMINANCE”
WWE TO POSTHUMOUSLY INDUCT MATT HARDY INTO HALL OF FAME
WIFE CONCERNED ABOUT HUSBAND'S OBSESSION WITH SHAWN MICHAELS/TRIPLE H FANFICTION
MAN WHO BUYS DOLPH ZIGGLER’S TIGHTS OFF WWE AUCTION SITE “CANNOT FATHOM” INABILITY TO GET LAID
JEAN-PIERRE LAFITTE SHOOTS OTHER EYE OUT WITH RED RYDER BB GUN / VINCE MCMAHON ENROLLS DANIEL BRYAN IN JELLY-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB IN LIEU OF BONUS
WWE ADDS “FIVE MINUTE TIME LIMIT” TO RAW MATCHES TO “HEIGHTEN DRAMA”
WWE FORGES SOLIDARITY PACT WITH PENN STATE AND SYRACUSE VICTIMS, FIRES TERRY GARVIN’S CORPSE
WWE FINDS YOUNG FEMALE AUDIENCE’S INFATUATION WITH HAVING STRONG DIVA ROLE MODELS TO BE “ADORABLE” / MIDNIGHT ROSE TO MATT HARDY: "SHE WAS MINE BEFORE SHE WAS YOURS!" / CREEPY F—KING WEIRDO HOPES TO PURCHASE KAMALA’S AMPUTATED FOOT, ADD IT TO COLLECTION WITH KERRY VON ERICH’S FOOT PURCHASED AT BLACK MARKET AUCTION
CHARLIE HAAS EARNS MONEY AS “TECHNICALLY PRECISE, BUT CHARISMATICALLY BANKRUPT” BIRTHDAY PARTY CLOWN / WWE SUSPENDS TWITTER FOR THIRTY DAYS DUE TO WELLNESS POLICY VIOLATION
MICHAEL COLE’S HOUSE WILL HAVE PLENTY OF “TRICK OR TWEETERS” THIS YEAR / SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES IN WWE ’12 ASK USER, “ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULDN’T RATHER BE JOHN CENA?”
HULK HOGAN FINALLY CRUMPLES MOAMMAR GHADDAFI AFTER 26-YEAR SEARCH
TRIPLE H VS. BROOM MATCH RATED "DUD" BY DAVE MELTZER
WWE.COM POLL RATES YOSHI TATSU HIGHER THAN JUSHIN LIGER, GREAT MUTA IN GREATEST JAPANESE STARS RANKINGS / MAN FOLLOWS BATISTA INSIDE HIS PIT OF DANGER
EXECUTIVE BEHIND WWE NETWORK FAILS WELLNESS TEST / SHOCKER: TED DIBIASE’S REAL FATHER REVEALED AS KEN PATERA
KELLY KELLY EXCITED ABOUT MUPPETS COMING TO RAW, REUNITING WITH MOTHER JANICE / “SLATER OR GABRIEL?” BECOMES NEW “GINGER OR MARY ANN?” OF BACKSTAGE DEBATES
WWE BUYS RIGHTS TO FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH FRANCHISE, BEGINS WORK ON ‘JASON VS. CENA’ / COWBOY BOB ORTON RENEGES ON PRIOR REMARK TOWARD SON; NO LONGER REGRETS “NOT PULLING OUT”
DIXIE CARTER’S FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM BOASTS HAS-BEENS AND NEVER WERES APPROVED BY HULK HOGAN AND ERIC BISCHOFF / CM PUNK FANS FINALLY BUY INTO “CYCLICAL BUSINESS” AS REASON FOR LOW RAW RATINGS
MOAMMAR GADHAFI WILL STEP DOWN IF WWE LETS HIM HAVE RICARDO RODRIGUEZ / MAN AWAKENS FROM COMA AFTER 8 YEARS, CAN’T BELIEVE WWE ACTUALLY PUSHED RANDY ORTON
MICHAEL MCGILLICUTTY TEARS SHOULDER WHILE DOING “BEHIND-THE-BACK” TOWEL TRICK / KAMALA MOWS LAWN
EVAN BOURNE TAKES AJ TO SEE “SMURFS 3D”, RESISTS URGE TO HOLD HER HAND/ STAUNCH OLD-SCHOOL FAN TAPES SUMMERSLAM ON SUNDAY, WON’T WATCH IT TIL LAST MONDAY OF THE MONTH
MAN ACCUSED OF STALKING TAMINA ORDERED TO GET NEW PRESCRIPTION GLASSES / “CM PUNK’S CURRENT WWE TITLE REIGN IS THE GREATEST EVER!” ACCORDING TO INCLUSIVE POLL
HILARIOUS HEY DUDE EPISODE CAUSES JOSH MATHEWS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY WHILE RECORDING SMACKDOWN / FAN UPLOADS ENTIRE 1999 EPISODES OF WCW SATURDAY NIGHT, “DOESN’T MIND” CREEPY MESSAGES FROM OTHER FANS
RANDY ORTON ASKS TO BORROW “HEAT MACHINE” FOR USE IN DAILY LIFE / MATHEMATICIAN DEVELOPS “PWTORCH / TNA MATCH RATING SHORTCHANGE THEOREM”
DOCTOR THAT PERFORMED ROB CONWAY’S SEX CHANGE INTO EVE TORRES HONORED / MAN HACKS KURT ANGLE’S TWITTER TO POST REASONABLE, PLEASANT MESSAGES
IRS CASHES IN MONEY IN THE BANK BRIEFCASE FROM 1991, BEATS JOHN CENA FOR WWE TITLE / RUFUS DETWILER, MAN WHO PLAYED ‘ORIGINAL’ SCOTT STEINER, DEAD AT 46
JOHN CENA DECLARES POOP “NO LONGER FUNNY” AFTER COUSIN’S TYPHOID DEATH / MAN THROWS ANGELINA LOVE ACROSS YARD, PROMPTLY RETURNED BY DOG
DOLPH ZIGGLER TO TAKE NICKY’S PLACE DURING FORTHCOMING SPIRIT SQUAD REUNION / NEXT SEASON OF TOUGH ENOUGH TO SEARCH FOR NEXT BARELY USED ANNOUNCER
JEFF HARDY RETIRES FROM WRESTLING TO BECOME SANDWICH ARTIST / LANCE STORM CRITICIZES OWN REALITY SHOW ON HIS WEBSITE’S BLOG ROLL
JEFF JARRETT SAVED CHYNA FROM SPCA ONE HOUR BEFORE EUTHANIZATION / GENERATION ME FINISH CHORES, ARE ALLOWED TO STAY UP TO WATCH IMPACT MAIN EVENT / INDY PROMOTION TO RUN “SUPER BLOODY DEATH TOURNAMENT”, SEEKING REC CENTER TO HOST IT
JOHN CENA TO MENTOR SIN CARA, TEACH HIM HOW TO WRESTLE / RUMOR: VINCE MCMAHON HAVING AFFAIR WITH STAMFORD SUPERCUTS EMPLOYEE / DESTITUTE LEX LUGER SCRAPS STEEL FOREARM PLATE FOR CASH
EDGE HAS "NO PLANS” TO RETIRE FROM ADULTERY / REMINDER: APRIL 18 IS KANE’S “FACE TURN/HEEL TURN” CALENDAR DARTS NIGHT / TRIPLE H RETURNING NEW BLU-RAY PLAYER TO PAY FOR WRESTLEMANIA CHAIR SHOT FINE
VIRGIL HAPPY TO HAVE WRESTLEMANIA STREAK IN TACT / RARE 1989 “DISS TAPE” FOUND IN WWE PRODUCTION STUDIOS / BOBBY WASHWEY WOOKING TO WEALWIZE POTENTHIAL OUTHIDE WING
TNA TRADES JEFF HARDY TO REHAB FOR SCOTT WEILAND / HARDY TRADED BACK TO TNA, WHO WILL NOW HOLD LOCKDOWN IN LEGIT PRISON TO ACCOMMODATE HIS SENTENCE / TRIPLE H CONTEMPLATING BUYING BLU-RAY PLAYER WITH BOX OFFICE GROSS FROM "THE CHAPERONE"
HEIDENREICH EXCITED ABOUT JOINING ANIMAL FOR WWE HALL OF FAME INDUCTION / CODY RHODES TO ATTEMPT TO DUPLICATE HIS FATHER'S SUCCESS BY TALKING NON-STOP RHYMING GIBBERISH / PAUL ROMA "VASTLY UNDERRATED” CLAIMS PAUL ROMA
JOEY STYLES CELEBRATES THREE “REBELLIOUSLY EXTREME” YEARS RUNNING WWE.COM / JACK SWAGGER TAKES OUT OVERSIZED NOVELTY TEETH, PUNISHED FOR REVEALING NORMAL SMILE / COLT CABANA PROVES THAT JUST ABOUT ANYBODY CAN BE NWA CHAMPION
REPO
MAN TO STEAL ALBERTO DEL RIO’S CARS UNTIL PAYMENTS ARE MADE / RODERICK
STRONG “CAN’T WAIT” TO BECOME FORGOTTEN WWE
MIDCARDER
/ TNA
SIGNS AL WILSON JUST TO PROVE WWE ARE FRAUDS
THE HARDCORE FANS DEMANDED IT: KEVIN THORN, BIG DADDY V TO HEADLINE NEXT ECW REUNION SHOW / WWE RUMORED TO BE BUILDING DEATH STAR / VETERANS WORRY THAT IMPRESSIONABLE EVAN BOURNE MIGHT HAVE JOINED A GANG
JACK TUNNEY FAKED DEATH, WILL BE REVEALED AS ANONYMOUS RAW GM / SON OF TNA’S ABYSS “BLADES” DURING SCHOOL PLAY TO KEEP CROWD INTERESTED / AREA HOTTIES TO ATTEND NWA FANFEST, MESS WITH HOPELESS VIRGINS
SENILE KEN PATERA, GRIMACE HAVE ‘UNEASY’ TRUCE AT CONVENTION / RIC FLAIR TO BUY OUT TNA CONTRACT BY SELLING KIDNEY / MARK HENRY, LONG-LOST SON REUNITE
US HERO WITH GOLDEN TRUNKS BECOMES HOMELESS MAN / DIXIE CARTER “SURPRISED” TO FIND TNA DVDS IN FYE BARGAIN BIN / TUPAC-BIGGIE FEUD BEGAN OVER STAR RATING DISAGREEMENT
Headlies Contributors
Justin Henry is a writer by day, and a writer by night, so at least he has some level of continuity. He enjoys writing commentaries and satire, so that he can make fun of people who make more money than he does. His work has been read and/or glossed over at TheWrestlingFan.com, CamelClutchBlog.com, WrestlingNewsSource.com, WorldWrestlingInsanity.com, and now WrestleCrap.com. He also once met Sonjay Dutt at a flea market.
Catherine
Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department,
which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs
out. She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing
something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized
in a song that was made popular four years before her birth. Catherine
enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing,
and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot
J.R.
Sean Carless
is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing
bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com,
Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
