Note
from RD: As is the annual WrestleCrap tradition, we are once
again inducting a Christmas movie that has nothing to do with
wrestling, but everything to do with crap. Enjoy!
Before
you read another word, I want you, dear reader, to do me a favor:
look at the JPG directly above the blue text that reads "Theatrical
Release, 1996".
Frightening,
huh? The combination of bright green eyes, gaping nose hole,
razor sharp teeth is...I must admit, that's a pretty jarring
sight. And when you factor in a giant tongue that looks like
about seven half-eaten packs of Big League Chew? That's grade-A
"scare the feces right out of you" material. Perfect,
perfect, I say, for a horror film.
So
it's a shame that, despite being on the DVD case, and indeed
resembling what I envision when I think "killer snowman",
this guy isn't in the movie we're looking at today.
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The
movie in question? Jack Frost, of course. Good
Lord, you should know what it is, because it was YOUR
decision to have me watch it. You all voted, remember?
While
I love each and every one of my fellow Crappers, I must
admit that your idea of yuletide fun, which entails
having me strapped to a chair, eyeballs pried open with
toothpicks, amd watching some pile of crap DVD about
a killer snowman, has me a wee bit concerned.
Still,
I could have been watching that horrible Grinch movie
with Jim Carrey, so I shan't be too upset. |
So
what can I tell you about this movie?
Well,
for starters, I can say beyond any and all reasonable
doubt, this film stars folks I have never, EVER heard
of.
Well,
with one very notable exception: Shannon Elizabeth.
Remember her? She was the skank foreign exchange student
in American Pie.
Like
so many similar Hollywood starlets, young Shannon
had to be very careful so as not to be typecast in
such a role. Thankfully, she is able to avoid such
a trap in this film as she does not portray a skank
foreign exchange student.
Instead, she portrays a skank AMERICAN student.
Good
for her!
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I
supposed I should get down to the nuts and bolts of
the "plot" we are offered. Basically, there's
a serial killer by the name of Jack Frost, a guy who
is not, in fact, a killer snowman. No, it's just a guy
who happens to be named "Jack Frost."
All
I can say is if the dude off'ed his parents after naming
him that...could you really blame him? |
Despite
being able to evade the nation's top investigators,
he is eventually caught by a local yokel cop in some
podunk town named "Snowmonton." Yes, "Snowmonton."
Why it's not "SnowMANton" I have no idea.
At least that would have made sense.
Anyhoo,
Jack is given the death penalty and is wheeled over
to the big house to be fried.
Except
he never makes it.
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Instead,
the truck transporting him there (which helpfully
has "STATE EXECUTION TRANSPORT VEHICLE"
on the side. I'm thinking if you see that, it's probably
a wise idea to get as far away as possible.
Another
RD Travel Tip™: if you see a vehicle passing
you that says "Genetic Research: Caution Acidic
Solution", use equal caution.
And
should you see these two jalopies slam into each other?
RUN FOR THE HILLS!
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For
that is what happened to poor ol' Jack, causing his
head to literally spin like a top.
I
think, yet I am not sure, the high tech camera trick
to your right was used to indicate that the truck he
was in was barrel-rolling down the road.
The
reason I cannot verify this is because he sure looks
like he is having fun. Seriously, the goofy smile on
his face is the exact same look I've seen on souvenir
photos of 13-year olds sitting next to me on Splash
Mountain. |
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And
much like that ride, Jack too gets pelted with water.
But
this isn't just any water; it's GENETICALLY ALTERED
WATER!
This
loopy liquid thus transforms Jack from serial killing
human to... |
...serial
killing snowman!
And
why yes, he IS driving a car. What did you think he
would do? Belly whopper around town looking for victims?
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The
question is who could stop a killer snowman, particularly
one tooling around in a 1987 K-Car?
Why,
the same guy that put him on death row in the first
place: Sam the Sheriff. |
But
Sam isn't by his lonesome. He's aided by various ding
dongs and nitwits around town, including a woman who
looks EXACTLY like Adrienne Barbeau.
Why,
precisely, a woman in 1996 would want to pattern herself
after Miss Barbeau remains a mystery.
Maybe
she had a Swamp Thing fetish. |
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Sam's
family is also along for the ride, including his dippy
son who spends half his life in the kitchen cooking
up glop like black oatmeal.
My
theory here is that the kid is trying to kill his old
man for forcing him to walk through school halls with
that hair cut. |
And
then there's Jill (Shannon Elizabeth), the resident
town slut, who appears to have the entire town at
her whims. I mean, look at poor Billy here. He's so
whipped by her that he is erecting SNOW STATUES of
her likeness.
That's
poontang power right there.
In
a shot that was no doubt to appear on Billy's Christmas
card, the two cop a co-op feel on her snow boobies.
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You
know, for a movie about a killer snowman, we've not
seen much killing yet.
No
time like the present to get started, then. First up
on the chopping block are some bullies who are making
fun of Sam's kid's snowman.
We're
not really informed why these punks are picking on the
cop's son, but my guess is they are upset with the snowman's
lack of breasts. |
So
upset that Frosty promptly trips the bully, then decapitates
him with a sled.
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Jack
follows this up by putting an old geezer into deep freeze... |
...and
then strangling some hag with garland and putting a
star atop her head.
He
may be a killer, but I gotta give him props for being
festive. |
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Well,
except for the guy that he just gagged with an axe.
Thankfully,
he did so with a
witty quip  ,
so we'll still give him style points.
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Not
as many, though, as when he turned himself into liquid
and entered a dude's body, only to later be regurgitated
into his normal snowman state.
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Of
course, the coup de grace for Jack's homicidal rampage
would be reserved for Jill the Whore. |
See,
while she thought she was just taking a nice, warm
soothing bath (no doubts in hope of flushing out a
yeast infection)....
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...she
would soon discover she was in for some SNOW MAN LOVIN'!
In
a scene sure to generate a lifetime of nightmares
to all who would witness it, off came Jack's nose,
going from his face to...well...
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Of
course, killing the local ho wasn't about to endear
Jack to the townsfolk, who figured out how to off
him: via HAIRDRYER.
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And
thus Jack was sealed in a boiler, and everyone lived
happily ever after.
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Or
would have, if Jack couldn't turn into steam and escape.
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Just
when it looked like Jack was unstoppable, our heroes
came up with a way to truly harm him: force feed him
some of Junior's oatmeal.
What
the hell was in that stuff, you ask?
Antifreeze.
See,
I told you he was pissed about that haircut.
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One
pickup truck bed full of Peak later, Jack is history.
But
not before Sam mounts him like a gay rodeo clown.
What
a weird movie this is. |
And
that's it until next year, when you guys will get to pick
out some other Christmas cinematic stink bomb for me to review.
Oh, and before you get any ideas...
...no.
One
mutant snowman movie is quite enough for this site.
Merry
Christmas!
- Jack Frost: "Gosh...I
only AX-ED you for a smoke! HAHAHA!"
- Jack Frost: "Looks
like Christmas came a little early this year!"
- Sam's son: "I
didn't want you to get cold!"
Sam: "What did you put in the oats?"
Sonny: "Anti-freeze." |
