I
didn't think it was possible.
Really,
I didn't.
When
I received the Wrestling Society X Complete First (and Last)
Season DVD, I thought there was no possible way, no conceivable
way, that anything else could possibly top it as my favorite
Christmas present of the year. Seriously, what could beat four
discs of grappling action featuring the unbridled greatness
of not only an exploding steel cage timebomb death match, but
also a piranha deathmatch?
A
PIRANHA DEATH MATCH!
But
it has happened. WSX has officially fallen to the number two
greatest joy of this holiday season. In fact, I dare say that
everything that I've ever received, and likely will ever receive,
will fall short of the present I received this week, from WWE
of all people.
From WWE
and Jillian Hall, that is.
Kids, the
rumors are true. That Christmas album Jillian mentioned on the Raw 15th Anniversary Special? It's real. It exists.
And while
some would have the gall to say that Jillian sounds like a lethal
hybrid of Nanny Fran Drescher crossed with Carol Channing (well,
that's what Mrs. Deal says, at least), all I can say is that
as the now proud owner of this musical masterpiece, A Jingle
with Jillian is, without hyperbole, the greatest Christmas
album in the history of...well...history.
What? You
say this is blasphemy? Well strap on some headphones, Biff.
I'm about to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything
I am saying is 100% irrefutable fact. And I will do it by reviewing
the well-known and established "classic" versions
of these timeless carols against Jillian's new - and unquestionably
improved - rendition.
Put on your
Santa hat and let's get to jinglin'!
HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS
Classic
Judy Garland Version
|
New
Jillian Hall Version
|
Make
no mistake about it - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
by Judy Garland is a yuletide standard. I cannot fathom
a December passing by and NOT hearing this song...or
watching the movie in which it made its debut, Meet
Me in St. Louis.
Here's
a clip of the classic.
|
But
while Garland belts out the tune with admitted aplumb,
she's got nowhere near the range of sweet Jillian. Indeed,
she uses this opening track to showcase her incredible
vocal range. In fact, she hits notes that I believe only
a dog could hear. She's THAT good.
Here's
the new, vastly improved version. |
Sorry, Dorothy...Jillian's
holding of that final note sealed your fate.
OFFICIAL
WRESTLECRAP CHRISTMAS SCOREBOARD
Classics:
0 - Jillian: 1
JINGLE
BELL ROCK
Classic
Bobby Helms Version
|
New
Jillian Hall Version
|
Odds
are you've never heard of Bobby Helms. I hadn't. Heck,
I had to look up just who sang the standard rendition
of Jingle Bell Rock that we all know and love. But while
he may not be a household name, everybody knows his
greatest hit, which has been a yuletide staple since
its release in 1957.
Here's
a clip!
|
Yes,
the Helms version is a classic, no question. And if you
need proof of that fact, consider this: it's sold 100,000
copies (no joke!). So how could Jillian possibly top it?
By updating it for the new millenium! Not only does she
rock the polka dot, her back up band has added a very
flatulant tuba to the mix!
Cue
the Fart-Trolla! |
Not even
a contest.
Still, I
must admit it seems somehow wrong to call anyone with that much
fringe a loser.
OFFICIAL
WRESTLECRAP CHRISTMAS SCOREBOARD
Classics:
0 - Jillian: 2
I'LL
BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS
Classic
Bing Crosby Version
|
New
Jillian Hall Version
|
So
many people have recorded this one over the years it
was hard to decide just who to have "represent"
(as the fly kids say nowdays). Everyone from Perry Como
to Frank Sinatra to Elvis Presley has done this holiday
staple. I finally decided to give the nod to Bing Crosby,
who released his version in 1943.
Here's
der Bingle.
|
In
hindsight, it really doesn't matter whose version we consider
the classic, as once again, they all pale in comparison
to the Jillian version. After all, did Elvis, Perry, or
Bing say, "I need presents...please have presents"
in their versions?
Would
somebody get this poor girl some presents for crying out
loud?! |
All I can
say is that those Crosby kids better be happy Jillian didn't
do White Christmas - they'd be in the soup line.
OFFICIAL
WRESTLECRAP CHRISTMAS SCOREBOARD
Classics:
0 - Jillian: 3
ROCKIN'
AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
Classic
Brenda Lee Version
|
New
Jillian Hall Version
|
While
every song we're looking at today is a classic, I don't
know there are many I love more than this one by Brenda
Lee. It always brings to mind Christmases past at my
Uncle Bob's, hanging out with the cousins and counting
down the hours until Christmas morning so we could revel
in being the spoiled brats we truly were.
Let
those memories flood back!
|
As
much as I love Brenda's version, you have to admit she
plays it pretty close the chest vocally. Not so with Jillian,
who belts it out then coos like a dove.
Besides,
even if Jillian were to play it close to the chest, that
would mean it's still a good three feet away from the
rest of her.
Rock
that tree right into the ground! |
Brenda,
you'll always hold a special place in my heart...but sadly,
you can't compare with improv like "Way, way, yay yay yay
yay yay!"
OFFICIAL
WRESTLECRAP CHRISTMAS SCOREBOARD
Classics:
0 - Jillian: 4
THE
CHRISTMAS SONG
Classic
Nat King Cole Version
|
New
Jillian Hall Version
|
You
want to know how classic Nat King Cole's Christmas Song
is? Consider this: every year, I want chestnuts. I have
had them once, and they were quite possibly the most
disgusting, vile thing I have ever put in my mouth.
Doesn't matter - when Nat sings about them roasting
on an open fire, I still want 'em, no matter how many
bottles of Listerine I need to wash the taste out of
my mouth.
Roast
those chestnuts!
|
In
many ways, Nat's version is the perennial Christmas carol,
so it seems fitting that Jillian's EP ends with it.
It is also fitting that she kicks Nat right square in
his chestnuts with a far superior version. How do you
improve upon perfection, you ask? By adding a choir, that's
how!
Ok,
maybe it's not a choir, but that is one angelic voice
- I bet it's Jillian herself thanks to some fancy mixing! |
If only
Nat had that blissful tone accompanying him when he sang "choir"...it
might have been a contest.
Coulda shoulda
woulda...didn'ta.
OFFICIAL
WRESTLECRAP CHRISTMAS SCOREBOARD
Classics:
0 - Jillian: 5
What a shock - it's
a clean sweep!
And so I
offer you this simple phrase, for kids from 1 to 92...although
it's never been said, any time, any way...get
this album, you fool! |
