You
know what I miss? Holiday-themed
wrestling shows.
Sure,
come Halloween your guaranteed
to have Torrie Wilson
bouncing around for a
few minutes in the nearest
witch outfit she can find,
but it in terms of holiday
spirit, nowadays, it seems
empty. You might say,
that October 31st is now
"Holloween."
It wasn't always like
that, however. Back in
1985, we were subjected
to a treat - or was it
a trick - a 90 minute
special Halloween Saturday
Night's Main Event.
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Hey
look, it's our
host for the evening
- the Great Bumpkin,
Mean Gene. Turns
out, we're just
in time for...a
wrestling show?
Hell no, we're
about to be witness
to what can only
be described as
the WWF Halloween
Olympics. All
our favorite WWF
superstars are
here - in full
costume. |
Mother
of God...there's
King Kong Bundy
dressed up as
Abraham Lincoln,
as well as the
Iron Sheik and
Nikolai Volkoff.
You know, I
was planning
on inserting
a funny line
about them dressed
up as Batman
and Robin, but
man, a picture
is worth more
than any thousand
of my words.
And
guess what,
they aren't
here to stand
around and look
like complete
'nads. No sir.
They're gonna
compete in three
genuine Halloween
sporting competitions.
Their opponents:
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These
clowns. I don't
know what is worse
- Captain Lou
in a toga, or
Hulk Hogan looking
so flame-like,
he could have
ignited the Olympic
torch for these
crappy games without
a match. |
Up
first, in this
best two out
of three competition,
is the ahem..traditional
Halloween pie-eating
contest. Looks
like Albano
is gonna face
off against
Abraham Bundy.
Where
is a time-traveling,
assault-weapon
carrying John
Wilkes Booth
when you need
him?
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In
a disgusting
waste of three
valuable life
minutes, Lou
wins the pie-eating
contest for
the good guys.
Memo
to Vince: If
I wanna watch
a fat slob eat
a pie, I'll
go rent a Ron
Jeremy porno.
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Holy
s#it!!! Hold the
porn. I just spotted
Elizabeth bobbling
out of her Jane
costume. There
is a God above!!!!! |
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It's
time for the next
contest, bobbing
for pumpkins,
featuring Bobby
"the Brain"
Crockett squaring
off against Cousin
Junior. To add
excitement to
an already "thrilling"
contest, the pumpkins
were submerged
in chocolate.
Either that or
they put them
in the tub that
Andre took a dump
in. |
Even
though the end
result had him
looking like he
required the immediate
assistance of
Mr.Whipple, Heenan
claimed the victory
for his team and
evened the score
at one win a piece. |
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Hey
there's Super-Rod,
along with Jesse
Ventura apparently
kissing NBC's
ass by dressing
up as a peacock.
Ironic that Roddy
is dressed up
as Superman, because
his appearances
post-Wrestlemania
have a rather
Krytonite-effect
on wrestling fans.
In case you don't
believe me, behold:
Halloween at Roddy
Piper's house. |
An
ominous shot
of the Scotman's
house is shown,
as our dastardly
villain is inside,
planning something
evil.
The
end of Hulkamania,
perhaps?
The
death of Mr.T?
Oh
no...the #1
heel in the
WWF has more
important matters
at hand:
STEALING
THE NEIGHBORHOOD
KIDS' CANDY.
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Soon,
the trick or
treaters arrive.
Why look, it's
Mini-Black Scorpion,
along with a
kid wearing
the world's
worst Hulk Hogan
costume.
He's supposed
to be bald,
you dumbass
brat.
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Apparently,
these kids arrived
at Piper's house
via the short
bus, as they are
easily fooled
by Piper's scheme,
as the Rowdy One
uses his "candy"
to break the youngsters
trick-or-treat
bags, spilling
their candy all
over the floor.
Piper wastes no
time in stuffing
the kids candy
down his underpants.
Kind of gives
new disturbing
meaning to the
term, "chocolate
with nuts." |
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You'd
think the kids
would be broken
hearted, but
it's not to
be. Seems they're
not mentally
handicapped
after all. They
were the ones
who did the
"tricking."
The candy Piper
stole from them
were actually
chocolate covered
peppers. After
eating the hot
peppers, Piper
proceeds to
drink water
out of his flower
vases.
I
demand that
the writers
of this show
be immediately
hired and put
on the WWE creative
team.
Oh
wait, it appears
they're already
there.
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Up
next, the final
event - the pumpkin
pass. Both teams
have 60 seconds
to pass the pumpkin
down the line,
without dropping
it, to as many
people as possible.
The only catch,
you can't use
your hands.
Great...
for the next 120
seconds we get
to see the WWF
stars look like
they're making
out as they pass
the pumpkin via
their necks.
Up
first - the Junkyard
Dog, looking rather
Yeti-like, and
Zorro Santana. |
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The
faces are doing
good until the
pumpkin gets passed
to Captain Lou,
who goes into
a diabetic shock
due to all the
sugar from the
pie-eating contest
earlier, dropping
the pumpkin in
the process. |
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The
heels have a great
chance to take
the event as they
quickly pass the
pumpkin down the
line. To avoid
losing, they have
to have a successful
pass from Liz
to Piper.
Perhaps it was
excitement from
practically copping
a feel on Liz
- or fear that
Randy Savage was
watching him do
it - but somehow,
Piper botched
the pass, and
in turn lost the
contest.
Piper and Savage
blame Liz and
scold her like
a two-year old,
while the faces
celebrate winning
the first, and
last, WWF Halloween
Olympics. |
All
in all, the show reminded
me of a receiving razor-blade
candy apple for Halloween.
Merely looking at said
apple - or in our case,
staring at a half-naked
Elizabeth - was a treat.
The first few moments
viewing the show - or
eating the apple - appeared
to be sweet. Consuming
the whole show or the
apple - definitely hazardous!!
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