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WWF, Late 90's

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before on this here site, but your old pal RD Reynolds is a dog lover. In fact, prior to the birth of my son, the first thing I'd do after getting home from a long day of work is kiss the Missus and play with my dueling toy poodles, Raleigh and Piper.

Now you're probably saying, "RD has poodles? TOY POODLES?"

Why yes, yessir I does. Next question!

"You don't do stupid stuff like dress them up, do you? For the love of all that is good and right with the world, please say you don't."

The good and the right with the world be damned!

Check out my pooches in their Halloween garb:

Here we have Raleigh as Count Dogula...

...and Piper as a princess. You wouldn't believe how hard I had to staple that hat on her head to get it to stick.

I joke, I joke.

You're probably asking why, exactly, a hardass (yeah right) like RD Reynolds would have poodles of all things running around his homestead. The fact is I love them because they're actually really smart dogs, and you can train them to do things, most notably not to take a big dump on the kitchen floor.

Not all dogs, I've learned, have the capability to learn this "trick".

Just ask the folks sitting ringside at Unforgiven 1999...

A bit of backstory first.

In 1999, Al Snow was riding high as the WWF's hardcore champion, seemingly having finally made it after years of floundering under stupid gimmicks like Shinobi, Avatar, and, of course, Leif Cassidy. Ironically enough, he made it by creating an even more idiotic gimmick - that of a crazy man who had HELP ME written backwards on his forehead, all the while being befriended by a mannequin head.

See, kids, that right there is why I don't ever want to induct anything as soon as it happens. Because sometimes, the stupidest gimmicks are the ones that get the most over. Undertaker, anyone?

Anyway, poor Head was on the injured reserve list following an incident in which it/he/she/whatever was impaled on a railroad spike.

Don't ask, just trust me on that one or we'll be here all night.

All alone in the world, Snow sought companionship in the form of a tiny little Chihuahua.

His name?

Pepper.

(Pauses for obligatory audience "awwww.)

Life was good for man and man's best friend until they met someone who can only be described by the term "scourge of humanity": that's right, the vile, despicable, and all around nasty BIG BOSSMAN.

You see, Bossman not only wanted Al's title, he wanted to...to...why, it's so reprehensible that I can't even type it.

But you can listen to it here (and you should, since it's the funniest thing to leave Ray Traylor's lips since his debut as the Guardian Angel).

Channeling the spirit of Bobby Heenan and the Islanders, Bossman put his plan into action, dognapping Pepper after KO'ing Snow with his nightstick.

Snow was no doubt mortified at seeing his nemesis swipe his beloved pooch, but also by Michael Cole repeatedly wimpering the words "Pet Taxi" over and over and over again.

I'm sure he still hears that in his nightmares.

I know I do.

 

But then, it seemed, Bossman had a change of heart. He offered to give Pepper back to Snow, as well as to cook him a hearty meal.

Little did poor Al know that the two would be one in the same!

Oh yes - that evil Bossman cooked up a "Pepper Steak" and served it up to Snow on a silver platter. After hearing what, exactly, it was he was dining on, Snow regurgitated and the Bosser pummeled him once again.

His pet now nothing more than chihuahua tar tar, Snow retaliated the only way he knew how: by challenging Bossman to a pro wrestling match. But not just any old match.

A KENNEL FROM HELL MATCH

(Oh, and by the way, you really need to say that in a loud, bassy, booming voice.)

The idea was simple: take the popular Hell in the Cell bout and stick vicious rotweilers inside the outer cage.

The only problem, of course, is that when you're dealing with animals, you never quite know what they are going to do.

Translated: the very happy and excited pups promptly pissed all over the place.

So much so, in fact, that I thought commentator Jerry Lawler might actually piss himself in the process.

Still, these were rabid rotweilers. Sure, they weren't potty trained, but they were capable of attacking at any moment.

And as Bossman fell out of the cage in their lap, attack they did.

Except they didn't attack the Bossman - they attacked each other! The dogs barked and growled at each other, as Bossman watched on, seemingly mystified by the proceedings.

At least they didn't use him for a fire hydrant.

 

After what seemed like 7 dog years (that's 49 to you and me), the match finally came to its none too exciting climax, as Al escaped the Kennel, all the whilst leaving the fans in hell.

(In fact, the match reached such WrestleCraptastic proportions that not only did Mick Foley ask for it to be included in his Hard Knocks and Cheap Pops DVD, he and Kevin Kelly actually re-recorded the commentary to make it sound like a Flair-Steamboat classic; absoutely hysterical and well worth the price of the disc alone).

These days, Al is working in OVW in a trainer/commentator capacity, and rarely sees in-ring action. The Bossman, sadly, passed away a few years back. Which is really too bad, as one can only imagine what he might have done in retirement.

Hot dog, indeed.


Big Bossman: "When I get through with you I'm gonna have some fun with that rat you call a dog. I've been wondering how many times I'd have to smash him before he'd start talking to me. I've been wondering if maybe I should stick this night stick up his butt, dip him in some batter, and make a real corn dog out of him!"

Michael Cole: "Bossman's got the PET TAXI with Pepper in it!"

Jim Ross: "Oh man, here they come!"

Jerry Lawler: "Look at this - that dog's got peed off I think!"

JR: "Look at the size of that rotweiler!"

Lawler: "They peed off the dogs! The rotweilers are peed off already!"

JR: "Bossman's gotta climb back into that cage."

Lawler: "Be careful, don't slip on the urine Bossman!"