It's
that time of year again, fellow 'Crappers. Yes, March Madness
is upon us. A time of NCAA men's and women's basketball brackets
AND the good ol' Wrestlemania weekend. I always thought it'd
be fun to get together with your buddies for a weekend and
watch some old Wrestlemanias to get in the festive spirit
before splitting the cost of the pay-per-view.
Anyways, for this Wrestlecrappy Wrestlemania update, we have
a frequently requested induction that I'm sure you'll enjoy
because to help me talk about this week's write-up is a live
eyewitness to this week's induction, my good friend and fellow
Atlantan, Wrestlecrap forum member "Godz".
Hi
all. Godz, (in)famous member of the WrestleCrap Forums here.
Our pal Kelly has asked me to do a number of things for/to
her (Note from Kelly: look, just because
I asked you to pop that unreachable boil...), but the
only one fit for print on this site is giving my own personal
recap of the Goldberg/Lesnar debacle from WrestleMania XX.
You
know, it's funny even now thinking that a match pitting Bill
Goldberg versus Brock Lesnar would wind up in the annals (or
is that anals?) or WrestleCrap. I mean, these were two of
the biggest stars of the early 2000's; Goldberg in particular
was such a huge name that he kept WCW alive a year or two
before it should have died. And Brock? He was the epitome
of what a pro wrestler should be, and WWE booked him pretty
much to perfection using the same formula Bischoff and crew
did for Goldberg: utter destruction of everything in his path.
Oh!
And a wicked Mexican hat dance.
Can't
forget about that one.
Sadly,
there were no sombreros in this feud.
And
soon, the two men who looked to be in a can't miss match at
WrestleMania XX both wanted out of the company.
And
they wanted out badly.
Long story short, Goldberg's contract with the WWE was about
to expire immediately after Wrestlemania XX. Lesnar, who was
WWE's star of the future, looked to be getting another boost
up the ladder by squashing Goldberg. But there was just one
issue: Lesnar was looking to leave as well, hoping to go to
the NFL and become a Minnesota Viking. The feud was already
moving along, so there was nothing much left to do but have
them blow it off at the biggest stage of the year. It should have been an exciting match for the fans.
Just
one problem: the fans knew both guys were leaving, and they
wanted no part of it.
The
feud started normally enough, as at the Royal Rumble
Brock interrupted Goldberg's interview with Marlena.
Wait, she was an interviewer? Really? I question her
investigative journalism skills.
Of
course, I do that for every floozy WWE puts behind a
mic, and am ignored, so I should probably just put that
in a balloon and let it go.
So
anyway, yes, Brock interruped Goldberg's interview.
Why? Maybe he wanted more interview time. Maybe he wanted
to know what happened to Golddust. Maybe he wanted to
know what her investigative journalism skills she had.
Balloon.
Must let go. |
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So
yeah, Goldberg tells Brock to hit the bricks. In retaliation,
Brock F-5'ed Goldberg into oblivion during the Rumble
match, allowing Kurt Angle to pitch him.
Kinda
like when Giant Gonzalez ran in the 1993 Rumble to
beat up The Undertaker.
Only
this time around it made slightly more sense.
So
I guess it wasn't much like that at all.
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Goldberg
decides to get his revenge at No Way Out, when Stone
Cold Steve Austin gives him...a marijuana joint?
It
sure looks like it! I bet RVD is gonna be pissed!
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No, it's a front row ticket to the event. What, the
guy couldn't pay for a ticket? How's Vince going to
get his $27,000,000 quartlery dividend check now?
Sure
enough, possessing the Golden Front Row Ticket allows
Goldberg to spear Brock and giving the WWE title to
Eddie Guerrero.
To
celebrate this momentous occasion, Goldberg is arrested
and carted off.
We'd
mention that this time it wasn't for allegedly sexually
harrassing a woman, but then we'd have to explain
that horrible WCW storyline where he couldn't get
across the street to the arena and we just don't have
time for that.
Today.
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Realizing
that this insanity must end, Goldberg asks Vince for
a match against Lesnar at Wrestlemania. For some reason
(and please, don't bother emailing me with a 4,500
word diatribe as to what the reason is), the "Sheriff
of Raw" Stone Cold has a stake in this as he
demands Vince give Brock and Goldberg their Mania
match.
Vince
finally agrees and names Austin as the special referee,
only after proving his ability to perform such a duty
during a McMahon-Eric Bischoff match that I mercifully overlooked when I wrote about their
WCW "match" from 1998.
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This
leads to Brock running in and killing Austin for giving
Goldberg the ticket that allowed his run-in that lead
to him losing his belt to Eddie Guerrero.
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Everybody
Got That? |
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Ironically,
Austin and Brock having their tiff allows us all to
finally get the unofficial match-ups so many wanted
when Austin walked out of the company in 2002, rumored
that he did not want to put Brock over.
(Note
from RD: Actually, the story as I got it is that Austin
had no problem putting Brock over in that match...provided
they actually built it up and didn't just throw it
out there for no reason. Otherwise, it wouldn't have
helped Brock or Austin. This is because Austin understands
how the business works, you see.)
This
is definitely a strangely put-together angle because
the most over person in this feud....is Austin!
The
special referee, mind you.
Definitely
a harbinger of things to come.
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So
after all the confusing build up, Wrestlemania XX arrived.
Godz, what did you think going into this match?
At the time I was still a fairly big
WWE fan, and I bought tickets as soon as they went on sale,
with the hopes of seeing a rumored (at the time) match between
Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage. That....didn't quite happen....but,
I digress. I had a tradition of going to WWE shows dressed
as Hulk Hogan at the time, the crowd got a kick out of it
and it was just fun to represent my favorite wrestler of all
time. So I brought the Red and Yellow all the way to NYC for
'Mania.
Lining up waiting to get into MSG, I talked with quite a few
fans. Most of them were wise to the internet and knew that
Brock was leaving, since this was leaked a week or two before
Mania. Goldberg's departure became known....I wanna say a
couple of days before the event as well. Most of the fans
were pissed and were planning on booing the both of them,
but I don't think any of them were prepared for the steaming
hot Poo-Poo Platter they were about to be served.
You
said a mouthful, my friend.
So
Austin comes out for the match on the ATV.
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You
know, I like Austin but when he rides out to the ring
on the ATV, I can't help but think of the Philly Phanatic.
Now
I want to see Stone Cold dance to YMCA with some poor
schlub in a Spongebob Squarepants outfit then give
him a stunner.
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Brock
is universally booed upon his entrance while Goldberg
gets a bit of a bigger pop from the crowd. I'm sorry
but Goldberg's entrances have been forever ruined
by Jericho's parody in WCW.
For
that, I thank you, Mistah J. :)
(Note
from RD: the Goldberg entrances were ruined for me
that one time in WWE when he came out of what appeared
to be a janitor's closet. How he squeezed in there
with the mops and buckets is still a noodle scratcher
for this ol' boy.)
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And
as soon as both guys are in the ring, one thing becomes
immediately clear: every single fan in the building
knows both guys are leaving, and are going to let
them know their displeasure.
Before
the match even get a chance to lock up, we're treated
to a bunch of delightful chants such as, "You
sold out!" which is imediately followed up by
the fans singing, "Na
na na na, na na na na, HEY HEY HEY, GOODBYYYYE!"
Oh
well, at least Austin is amused.
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Or
maybe he just saw this guy's sign.
(Note
from RD: Cut the guy some slack - Sharpie's don't
have spell check, you know!)
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And
the two of them stand around....for quite awhile.
Godz, what's going on?
We got ten minutes of posing, pushing, shoving, and
grunting before anything remotely interesting.
I swear, he's telling the truth, folks.
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Then
FINALLY we get a 10 minute collar-and-elbow tie-ups
while both guys are getting booed out of MSG.
See
that shot there to your left? That's an animated GIF
of this match.
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Then
they take a break to stand around and look at each
other.
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For
MORE collar and elbow tying up! Meanwhile Jim Ross
is off the scale on the Bulls*** Meter and has to
make "Bulls on the farm in Oklahoma" analogies.
Meanwhile,
the crowd is going nuclear, as what they thought was
going to happen is this match is actually happening:
positively nothing.
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Then
some MORE standing around while the crowd boos loudly
and heartily. I'd love to see this crowd's reaction
to Hulk and Andre at WM3.
Godz: At this point, I finished
my $8 hot dog and got bored, stood up and yelled "I
could put on a better match than these assholes!"
which got some laughs.
My neighbor's 6 year old son could have a better match
with an Ultimate Warrior wrestling buddy. |
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Out
of nowhere, this thing really takes a turn for the
bizarre, as the crowd starts chanting "Hogan".
HUH?!
Godz, do you have anything to do with this?
I
heard someone taunting me from behind "Hey Hogaannnn..."
I turn around, and there's someone decked out as a
1980's Macho Man Randy Savage.
So
we're taunting each other back and forth (He's a few
rows behind me), and the crowd starts really getting
into it, as I get in "Macho's" face, taunt
him with my replica WWF title belt, we're cutting
promos on each other, etc. A small "Hogan"
chant starts up, and even people at ringside can be
seen looking up at us.
The biggest pop of the night (hush, I'm the one telling
this) comes when I rip my shirt off and do all the
classic Hogan poses. Someone tells me that the commentators
are even watching at this point, I look down and see
that its true. Big Hogan chant continues until a security
guard comes over and is like "Man that's funny
as hell, but they told me to make you sit down."
You managed to get yourself
over better than Brock and Goldberg got this match
over. Why hasn't the WWE hired you, Godz?
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So
the match plods along for at least another 10 minutes
(though it felt like 10 friggin' years) and everyone
in the place totally s***s on it until Goldberg finally
and mercifully pins Brock to end his WWE run. |
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But
Brock stays around in the ring to give the Stone Cold
Salute to the crowd... |
...and
to Austin. |
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And
yeah, you know what that leads to.
See
ya, Brock! |
Goldberg
re-enters the ring to celebrate with Austin... |
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...and
yeah, you know what that leads to too.
See
you, Bill! |
High
Sheriff Austin gets back on his ATV and goes up the
ramp to give this match the salute it deserves as MSG
bows to him. |
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Ultimately,
Brock did not get to play for the Minnesota Vikings but did
go on to become a UFC champion and Goldberg went on to play
a murderous Santa Claus that kicks Chris Kattan into a glass
china cabinet.
In the end, EVERYONE is a winner here. Anything else you wanna
say, Godz?
After the match was over, on his way
out, Brock looked right up at me and gave the finger. I don't
know if he was doing it to me or not, but, hey....it beats
when I went to December to Dismember dressed as the Blue Meanie,
and Bobby Lashley blew kisses directly at me. Ask Kelly. She
was there. (TK: To be honest, I was in stunned horror at the
abortion of a pay-per-view I was just live witness to, that
I didn't catch Lashley making googly eyes at you).
So,
basically what I'm saying is....I brought joy to a rabid,
angry crowd of NYC wrestling fans, who likely would've rioted
and torn Madison Square Garden down to the ground. So, yes,
I think it is fair to say that I single handedly saved WrestleMania.
You're welcome, Vince.
On
one final note, that was a rather uncomfortable cab ride back
to the hotel, shirtless, wearing bright yellow pants, with
a blonde wig and a painted on mustache.
Oh
well. It's New York. Doubt anyone noticed.
Indeed.
Enjoy Wrestlemania XXVI, folks!
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