| Note
from Triple Kelly: Steve Urkel and Carl Winslow
shoot wrestle The Bushwackers. Shockingly does
not feature Urkel clones, Urkel bots, time travel,
or teleportation.
One
of the most popular sitcoms of the 90s was a
snazzy little series called Family Matters.
The character of Harriette Winslow originally
appeared on Perfect Strangers as the
elevator operator of Larry and Balki's at the
Chicago Chronicle, which in those days...and
probably now, was enough for ABC Network to
greenlight a spin-off for Harriette and her
family (sadly, the Love-matic Grandpa Simpson
was not available).
Think
about that for a moment, will you? Someone,
someone in a position of power to make such
decisions regarding what we, the American viewing
public, got to watch on television decided that
there was just too much story potential on PERFECT
STRANGERS to all be crammed into 30 minutes.
So yeah, Family Matters premiered in
1989 as a show about a middle-class African
American family living in the suburbs of Chicago.
Seen early on as somewhat of a Cosby Show ripoff,
the show plodded along in the ratings, until
the arrival of character that would dominate
the rest of the series until its cancellation
in 1998.
If
you did not live through the madness that was
Urkel-mania, then you have no idea what it was
like.
Jaleel
White as the Super Annoying Nerd Steven Q. Urkel
was perhaps the most famous television icon
of the decade. He had his own t-shirts, a cereal
(it's true, kiddies, though it doesn't beat
Blade's lesbian cereal), a coloring book (I
still have this somewhere), a pull-string talking
doll and his own “Do the Urkel Dance“
single that was performed by Jaleel and BEA
ARTHUR at the American Comedy Awards.
I
know you cannot possibly believe those last
nine words to possibly be true, so I present
to you this photographic evidence:
But I digress.
As with most long-running sitcoms, there is
at least one wrestling-related episode and Family
Matters is no exception. This has been
a long-requested induction, one RD was obviously
too much of a fraidy cat to review (and honestly,
who could blame him), but I will dive headfirst
into the putridness.
That's
how much I love you kids.
So
Eddie and Waldo are sitting on the couch
while Eddie flips through a wrestling
magazine. After all, who needs girls
when ya got yer Wrestling Mags, right
guys?
(Note
from RD: At least they are both wearing
pants. I will have those Young and
the Wrestling flashbacks until
my final breath.)
Eddie
asks Waldo who he thinks the toughest
wrestler is.
I'm
amazed at this point if Eddie expects
an intelligent, well-thought out answer
from a guy named Waldo Geraldo Faldo.
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After
the usual, "play laugh track at
anything resembling a joke" answer
(and trust me, there's a heapin' helpin'
of that on this show), Waldo responds
“Hurricane Al”.
I’ve
never heard of Hurricane Al before but
I’m guessing it’s one of
Al Snow’s failed gimmicks that
was later kyped by Shane Helms.
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| Soon
enough our erstwhile pair is joined by
Eddie's father, Carl, who recognizes one
of the “Psycho Twins” on the
back of the WWF Magazine. Waldo says they’re
“just the top tag team in the world!"
I
dunno, they look like a couple of jobbers
in a bad indie-circuit (Tag Team of) DOOM
rip-off to *me* but let's suspend our
disbelief for 18 more minutes. Carl says
one of them is an old friend from the
wrestling team in high school.
Man,
just imagine if Carl had stuck with wrestling.
With his job as a police officer, he could've
been The Big Black Bossman!
LICENSE TO PRINT MONEY!!!!!!! |
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Eddie
says they're defending their tag team
titles on Wrestle-rama tonight, which
just HAPPENS to be in Chicago. So as
they get up to go to the local arena,
Urkel barges thru the door to thunderous
high-pitched cheers like he's The Beatles
on Ed Sullivan's show.
See,
the Winslows never seem to LOCK THEIR
DAMN DOOR, which is odd when you consider
the high crime rate in Chicago and the
fact irritating havoc-wreaking neighbors
can walk right in.
You'd
think they would triple deadlock the
thing.
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Urkel
shows them one of his new inventions
called "Snooze Juice", that's
supposed to cure insomnia. After some
more laugh tracky goodness, Urkel invites
himself to join them at Wrestle-rama.
Why
Eddie or Carl doesn't hurl Urkel into
the nearest dumpster and slam the lid
shut is beyond me BUT we gotta get the
plot moving along so they do not tell
him to beat it or inflict bodily harm
on him.
Dammit.
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There's
also a B-story that lasts about 90 seconds
about Ritchie being caught watching
his MIA cousin Judy Winslow's porno
tape....or lying to his teacher about
his homework.
Eh,
you choose which one you'd rather watch.
Makes no diff to me.
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Carl
visits his old buddy Lyle Hopkins at
the arena and the two catch up on old
times.
Now
here's something that kinda...alright...REALLY
annoys me about the episode.
Lyle
and his partner are portrayed as nice,
regular guys, decidedly un-Psycho-like
and not kayfabing their gimmick, when
the actual defending of the tag titles
is said to be "real".
Somewhere,
Captain Lou is smiling and nodding along.
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Lyle
shakes hands with Urkel and Urkel sells
the handshake. Oh if only his hand was
wrapped around Urkel's neck.
Actually,
I have to give credit where it's due.
Urkel does the best selling than I've
seen on any WWE show in the past 2 years.
Maybe
he should head down to FCW and help
out Steve Keirn.
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Lyle
invites them all to the show tonight
and the group takes their leave. Lyle
finds the "Snooze Juice" that
Urkel left behind, so naturally they
do what any one of us would do with
a bottle we just found sitting on the
side: they drink the whole thing up!!!
Ah, the innocence of the pre-9/11 world.
And
way to break those stereotypes about
wrestlers being brainless jocks.
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Speaking
of stereotypes, the stereotypical weaselly
promoter comes out with the water bottle
and Urkel reveals to him that's his
snooze juice bottle. The promoter says
The Psycho Twins are in the locker room
fast asleep and that he's going to sue
Carl and Urkel.
In Soviet Russia, wrestling promoter
sue audience members.
Geez,
is the roster so damn thin that they
can't replace the Psycho Twins with
The Heavenly Bodies or Well Dunn?
On
second thought, I'd gladly be sued.
But
alas, Carl does not want to have a lawsuit
so he offers to make it up to the promoter.
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*do
the sitcom scene flip*
For
an event called "Wrestle-rama",
there seems to be about 40 people in
the building at best, which is a better
turn-out than the AWA towards the end.
The ring announcer says that it's time
for the MAIN EVENT. The Psycho Twins
will be defending their Tag Team titles
against....
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THE
BUSHWACKERS!!!
The
real sick part is this sounds like the
MAIN EVENT for the last WWF house show
I went to in 1995.
Ah, I remember the chant like it was
yesterday:
"WHERE'S
OUR REFUND?"
*clap
clap, clap clap clap*
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The
Bushwackers seem to be the heels in
this but that doesn't stop everyone
from doing the Bushwacker walk while
Butch takes time to lick an enthusiastic
ring rat...ON HER FACE!
ON
HER FACE!!!
Whew.
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Carl
and Urkel are wheeled out like Sabu
in 1993 ECW by two porno nurse valets
that have already signed a developmental
deal with Johnny Ace, while their entrance
theme is the Psycho theme played backwards.
I
hope the families of Bernard Hermann
and Alfred Hitchcock don't find out
about this, which is extremely likely.
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"GET
READY FOR THE MATCH OF THE CENTURY!"
Tony
Schiavone must've taken announcing lessons
from this gimboid.
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Urkel
says The Bushwackers are "light
on the bush and heavy on the whackers".
How that line got past the censors is
a mystery.
Carl
says that the promoter spoke to Luke
and Butch before the match and told
them what was up so they're gonna work
the match and "they're gonna make
us look great".
Digest
that one, folks. THE BUSHWACKERS....are
going to make them "look great".
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The
match starts as they exchange headlocks... |
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...spinning
toe holds... |
...and
the worst hip tosses you will ever see! |
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Richie
is watching the match on TV while two
announcers that sound like Howard Cosell
(babyface) and Cliff Clavin (heel) call
the match.
Now
THAT would have been an announce team.
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Harriette
enters the room and when she sees what's
on the television she's shocked. "I
can't believe Judy's taking the whole
thing!"
Ok....I'll
stop now.
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As
Carl has Butch in head scissors, Luke
compliments Steve on their in-ring efforts
(pffft, HA HA) and asks them what they
do for a living. Steve says that Carl
is a cop.
WE HATE CAWWPS!!! |
Suddenly...
IT'S
A SHOOT, MATE!!!
Scary
"they're in danger!" music
plays in the background as Butch and
Luke murder Carl and Steve cause Carl
is a BLOODY CAWWP!!!
Aaaand...just
because it's not quite wacky enough,
we get a ref bump!
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Butch
throws Steve into the Eddie and Waldo's
lap while Steve tells them that the Bushwackers
are shooting, which results in a fan and
garbage pile-up and riot. |
Carl
and Steve are laid up on the couch and
injured (I'd make a Nash joke here but
he just got outta the hospital so it's
TOO SOON). Harriette says the promoter
called and liked their fan-riot, so he
wants them back. |
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And
the show ends.
Ugh, that was a BAD show. Bad for Family
Matters and bad for wrestling in general.
Just plain bad.
Well, at least it wasn't the episode of Small
Wonder with Jesse Ventura but that is another
induction for another time.
Take care, Snowflakes! |
