Note from RD:
Hard to believe that we're already doing our tenth Gooker
Award. Harder to believe still that there's never been a main
character that has repeated in the 'honor'. Even more unfathomable
is the fact that unless something changes drastically, there's
a pretty good shot at the guy three-peating at some point.
Maybe
it's time to rename the Gooker Award.
Maybe
we should just call it "The Hornswoggle."
It's
hard to call myself a "wrestling fan" these days.
And
each week, as I flip on Raw, it becomes even more
difficult.
There's
valuable time that could be spent pursuing my many other hobbies
and interests outside of wrestling or playing with my precious
little Yorkie pups. But for every abysmal aspect of the products
that WWE and TNA puts out every week, I'm reminded of many
great and wonderful things about wrestling from years past
that keeps me here. Yes, the product does have to "change
with the times". That's perfectly fine. I get it. Every
form of entertainment, be it music or movies or video games
or even pro wrestling has to evolve to maintain an audience.
Although
saying wrestling is 'evolving' when WWE's main show has turned
into a Gong Show-esque mish mash of bad guest hosts and even
worse skits seems to be a bit misleading.
One
thing not misleading, though - the worst of the worst of 2009.
And that would be the never ending battle between Hornswoggle
and Chavo Guerrero.
I
actually find it impossible to believe that this entire feud
began and concluded (I hope!) in the span of January 1, 2009
to December 31, 2009. This thing just went on forever. I swear
that during about the fifth time I saw them on screen together,
I was a spry 25 years old and hadn't gotten the pups yet...and
by the time they'd battled for the 48th time, the pups were
no longer pups, but dogs that were 167 years old.
And
I don't mean in dog years.
Where
to begin?
(Deep
breath)
Ok.
So Hornswoggle...
Wait.
Remember
when Hornswoggle debuted, and he wasn't Hornswoggle? Remember
his original name? It was Little Bastard. I know WWE is family
friendly and all that jazz these days (well, as 'family friendly'
as chicks with giant implants wearing shorts so tight they
could double as thongs can be), but seriously, that's a name
that needs to come back. Because every time I see that guy
on coming down to ringside, that's what I think: Why is that
Little Bastard on my TV again?
So
yeah, I don't really get his eternal superstar push. I get
that he's popular with the kids, but do we REALLY need him
on every single show taking up valuable air time? In
2007, he was heavily involved in a storyline where he was
Vince McMahon's illegitimate son, which also won the coveted
Gooker award. Now he gets to make a fool out of Chavo Guerrero,
who must have THE NUCLEAR HEATZ with someone high up because
I have no clue as to why he's been the consistent target of
pointless humiliation on a weekly basis. Considering he's
been loyal to the company his uncle and best friends have
died for, you'd think he'd be rewarded for his loyalty.
But
in true WWE fashion, loyalty results in humiliation.
Come
to think of it, that's pretty much the story with Vicki Guerrero
too.
Eh,
at least they get a paycheck out of it.
In
short (ha ha ha...oh wait, I'm not Michael Cole, sorry about
that), Chavo and Hornswoggle spent pretty much every Raw of 2009 battling it out in a series of skits and matches
that just had you begging for a 20 minute Randy Orton promo.
Or Vince coming out to beat up a fake Stan Kroenke. Anything
but seeing yet another lame encounter that took precious time
from your life that could be better spent doing, well, anything
else.
Now
generally, this is where the two column, twenty row HTML table
sets up and I make witty observations about the screen caps
being presented.
While
the web code is there, I don't know that I have any clever
quips in me this time. Every encounter they had was little
more than a drain on my soul, sucking the very life right
out of me. It's all so dumb that nothing really biting or
sarcastic can be noted.
The
awfulness just speaks for itself.
For
instance, remember the "cow tipping" match?
Horny
in chaps?
Chavo in a cow suit?
Seriously,
what am I going to write about here?
Chavo
cling to his street cred by sauntering out for the
slaughter in his Mexican gang bandana? |
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Making
a mockery of the classic Texas Bullrope match, the
stipulation here is that Chavo has to wear the Elsie
the Cow head.
I'd
note how it must have been impossible for Chavo
to try to have a good match given the fact the Elsie
head has no eye holes, but seriously...
The
guy is wearing a cow costume and battling a leprechaun.
Does
it really matter if he's blind?
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So Chavo stumbles around and is then mounted by
the midget.
Seriously,
do I have to continue writing this? Do I?
(Note
from RD: Yes. Yes, you do. Because I don't want
to do it.)
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This
epic encounter, one that likely will show up on
a Best of Raw DVD at some point in the near future
(because WWE really does view junk like this as
"Best of" material), ends with Chavo scaling
the ropes (yes, in costume) and being pushed off
by Evan Bourne.
One
hog tie later, and Hornswoggle gets the duke.
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Ah,
but the Cow Tipping match was just battle 137 in
their best of 5,000 series.
Next
we get a "blindfold" match. But the catch
is that Chavo is the only one that's blindfolded,
which is the only way anyone can enjoy Raw nowadays.
OH
SNAP!
Hey
waitaminute...did they consult RD on how to have
horrible matches for this feud?
(Note
from RD: No no - the guy I wrestled in my
blindfold match was at least 3" taller
than Hornswoggle.)
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Nevermind
THAT, let's get to the BLIND WACKINESS!!
Like
choking the ref thinking he's the Kickable (my other
term for little person).
Oh FUN!
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And
Chavo going to the top turnbuckle.
Because,
you see, he's an idiot. |
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Of
course, he falls off and is pinned by Hornswoggle
shortly thereafter.
Did
I mention that Hornswoggle is the babyface of this
feud?
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And
with a mug like that, how can he NOT be a babyface?
Ok,
I lied.
I
even named that file "punchable.jpg." |
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In between his midget feud, Chavo gets to wrestle
Raw guest host Cedric the (Non) Entertainer. It's
about as fun as watching Cedric's awful movies.
I'd love for Chavo to repeatedly kick him in his
overrated, unfunny gut and say "This is for
The Honeymooners!! And THIS is for Johnson Family
Vacation!! But more so for The Honeymooners!!"
Sadly,
Chavo fares no better against Cedric than the Leprechaun,
and does the J-O-B here as well.
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A
Falls Count Anywhere Match is next, which begins
with Chavo going under the ring and coming out with
a toilet seat.
Are
they trying to tell us where this feud belongs?
Well,
it did wind up at The Crap, so maybe the WWE creative
team isn't as clueless as I thought.
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Chavo
chases Sky-Low-Even-Lower up the ramp and TO THE
BACK, where we get fascinating dialogue like, "Have
you seen Hornswoggle? Where is he?"
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After
checking various drawers, trunks and behind the
refridgerator, Chavo opens up a door and gets paint-canned
in the face like in Home Alone.
Chalk up another movie Vince has watched for the
first time recently.
Oh,
and as you could probably guess, Hornswoggle sneaks
in to pin Chavo on the floor.
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This
causes Mark Henry to laugh...
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....and
Macaulay Culkin to shake his head.
For
someone who did movies like Getting Even With
Dad and The Pagemaster, Mac has legally
lost the right to shake his head at anyone else's
performance.
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Then
there was the match Chavo had with Markswoggle...yes,
Markswoggle.
That
was the Raw with Jeremy Piven and Dr. Ken.
Talk
about a Crap overload.
I don't know how any of us survived that show.
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The
outcome of this match naturally sees Chavo counting
the lights again...
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...followed
by Hornswoggle crawling out from under the ring
and doing a tad pole splash on him.
I
remember when I first heard that term, 'tad pole'
splash.
I
thought it was clever.
Had
I known I would be hearing if for the next three
years, I wouldn't have been quite so humored.
In
fact, I may have started crying.
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Next
we have "Sharp Dressed Man" tuxedo match
made by Raw guests hosts ZZ Top.
If
Chavo was smart, he'd have asked for a "Legs"
match.
No
way Hornswoggle would win that one!
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Lillian
Garcia of course screws
up the intro so bad that Michael Cole has to translate
what she was trying to say.
When
Michael Cole - MICHAEL COLE! - has to cover your incompetence,
then you have officially failed at your job. |
Chavo
comes out waddling like a penguin because apparently
Horny had gotten to the tux beforehand and sewn
the pants up.
Wait.
He
didn't notice that when he PUT ON THE PANTS?
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The
usual "tuxedo match" crap here. Horny
does his impression of the WWE mouth-raping the
wrestling fans. All the while, Michael Cole laughs
while mentioning Chavo's weekly humiliation.
Shouldn't you be getting sodomized by a roidhead
backstage, you mealy-mouthed bag of meat?
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Chavo
is stripped of his tuxedo pants and covers himself
like a WWE Diva in a bra and panties match and the
camera does a closeup on his boxer shorts for added
comedic effect.
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Oh,
and his boxers have chili peppers on them
Because
he's Mexican, you see.
WWE...GET
IT?!
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And
then there was a match where Chavo had to wrestle
on his knees. This would be the best of the bunch
because wrestling actually occurred for very nearly
10 minutes. I'm amazed.
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And,
yeah, you know how it ends.
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There
were a bunch of other stupid matches too, all just as dumb
and ridiculous and pointless as the ones I've described here.
I could go on and on for 20,000 words about it, but you get
the point. It sucked. It was WrestleCrap.
And
rest assured, it was Gooker worthy.
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