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WCW, Early 90's
Text by RD ReynoldsNote from RD: Ah, my favorite horrible angle ever. Explosions, happy children, sad children, one-eyed midgets...this one has it all!
Disclaimer: Wrestlecrap.com will not be held responsible for any mental and/or emotional damages resulting from browsing this page. Viewer discretion is advised.
Ahh, Beach Blast 93. Probably my favorite bad angle ever. This thing was a complete trainwreck, and was part of what I consider to be the low point in WCW history.
Where to begin?
In 1993, WCW had just brought in Davey Boy Smith from the WWF. He was aligned with Sting to fight Sid Vicious and Big Van Vader. In order to hype the PPV in which the two teams would do battle, WCW (headed up at the time by Sharon Sidello, not Eric Bischoff as has long been reported) filmed a delightful segment which I will attempt to outline below.
It takes a while to get through, and this page takes forever to load. But if you can survive the trip, it's worth a laugh or two (or if you're like me, about 7,000).
Harley Race (manager of Vader) and Col. Robert Parker (Sid's manager) hold a press conference announcing their alliance as "The Masters of The Powerbomb," a name which no doubt took WCW at least 7 seconds to come up with.
They tell Sting and Davey Boy to retire or face the consequences!
Sting and Davey Boy refuse an invitation to the press conference, opting instead to play volley ball with a bunch of kids (or as Col. Rob calls them, "snotty nosed kids") on a beach.
This, of course, infuriates Parker and Race
who comission a military war boat and look for Davey Boy and Sting.
Um, no, I have no idea what any of this has to do with wrestling.
But I do know that Vader makes angry faces...
...and Sid not only makes angry faces, but also sounds quite constipated.
Damn dude, get some Ex-Lax or something.
No, on second thought, you probably better not or I will get 437 emails asking if you really crapped yourself at Wrestlemania XIII.
Anyway, the evil foursome eventually decide to have CHEATUM, everyone's favorite evil one-eyed midget, swim to Sting's boat.
As a plus, they DRESS HIM UP AS A SHARK, complete with FIN. In a move almost as cheesy, WCW has a "Jaws" sounding theme in the background.
(Yes, of course it really happened. Look, I couldn't make this crap up on a 5 shot Nyquil bender).
Cheatum scares some kids
In another priceless move, WCW has a "Snidely Whiplash/James Bond" sounding theme in the background.
Meanwhile, the heels show up on the beach where Davey Boy and Sting are playing volleyball.
They are both in their wrestling gear, except Sid is wearing FLIP FLOPS.
It was a good look for him - violent, yet casual.
Sting and Davey Boy face off with Vader and Sid.
Cue some bad Western showdown music, along with some seagulls squawking.
Parker offers Sting and Davey two tickets to the retirement home of their choice.
Sting and Davey Boy consider it...
...which makes the kids sad.
Of course, Sting and Davey decide to fight...
Parker warns the faces to enjoy their stay, since it will be a long one.
The heels laugh maniacally! What could it all mean?
The kids tell Sting that a funny little man was hanging around his boat. Sting goes over to investigate, thinking perhaps Harvey Whippleman is on the island sunbathing nude with Bertha Faye...
Sting doesn't know, of course, that a fate (arguably) far worse than that is about to befall him - the boat is about to EXPLODE!
(Damn, Cheatum, couldn't you at least afford a DIGITAL clock for your bomb?)
Davey finds out about it, and runs down the beach like Tony Atlas (ie, like he has a corncob stuck up his @$$).
Davey jumps out of the water 20 feet and knocks Sting off the boat!
THE BOAT EXPLODES, presumably killing our heroes.
This makes the kids sad....
...until Davey and Sting resurface...
...which makes the kids happy.
(Yes, we know that we used the same kids happy, kids sad pictures and sounds from above. I think WCW actually used the same footage twice in the segment.)
With their boat destroyed, Sting and Davey Boy had little hope of making it back to civilization. However, they ran into another group who had also lost their boat, and eventually, with the help of the Harlem Globetrotters, they made it back to the mainland.
Harley Race: "You mean to tell me they missed our RALLY to hang out here with a bunch of snot-nosed Stingers?"
Note from RD: I love the way Harley really emphasizes the word 'rally' - indeed, how DARE Sting and Davey miss a RALLY for crying out loud?
Cheatum: "My name is JAWS! Now you girls get on out of here!"
Col. Rob: "Enjoy your outing today, you're going to be here a very long time!"
All four in unison: HA HA HA HA.
