|
Adult Video, Late 1980's
Note from Blade: Porn legend Randy "The Wildman" West's finest moment. Hands down, one of the funniest movies ever, regardless of where your hand may be while watching it.
WARNING: Although all questionable images on this page have been censored, this induction may offend some viewers. If you are easily offended by sexual material, I suggest you click the back button now. This is easily the "bluest" induction of all-time here at the Crap.
I know a lot of you know the story of how Blade Braxton and RD Reynolds met, but for those of you who don't, here's the scoop. Sometime a year or so back, I came up with a wacky idea to have a contest in which you, the loyal WrestleCrappers, recreated the worst wrestling characters and angles of all time through the magic of video tape. There were a ton of great entries - for example, from time to time I still pop in Starrcade 97: The Fast Count, in which evil ref "Nick Patrick" went home, read a book, watched a movie, ate dinner, then finally came back to finish his so-called fast count in the infamous Hogan-Sting match. That stuff is just too funny.
As hilarious as it was, however, it couldn't topple the winning entry, entitled Revenge of the Scorpion, in which the Black Scorpion stalked your humble webmaster, finally revealing himself to be none other than my Uncle Burt (Reynolds). That video not only had me in tears, but my wife as well. We must have watched it five or six times in a row.
The genius behind the video was, of course, Blade Braxton, who is the mastermind behind our new feature, Jobber of the Week. Over the next year or so, Blade would send me goofy tapes of stuff, and it got to the point that my wife would actually look for tapes in the mail from him. And so it happened that he sent me this black video tape that only was labelled "Great Balls of Fire, Have Mercy! - The Young and the Wrestling."
Unknowingly, we started watching...and it wasn't until about five minutes in that I knew just what my old pal had gotten me into: a real live, honest to goodness, PRO WRESTLING PORNO FILM.
Our story opens with Kimberly and Janice discussing the fact that Janice is having an affair. Instead of being appalled, Kimberly is instead green with envy (and likely a venereal disease or two).
Another tell tale sign: the acting level here
is such that Nipple H would look like Meryl Streep in comparison. Yikes.
A lot of Crappers might recall that I wrote about this film in the book. For those that did, I apologize for the following mistake. In the book, I note that Brad and Melvin, the girls' husbands, are wearing thongs and nothing else. Upon further review, they are wearing shirts and nothing else.
Maybe it's just me, but I think it would probably be a bit less...I don't know...GAY...if they at least covered up their dongs as they watched wrestling together on the couch.
Anyway, the two catch a commercial for a wrestling school...
...run by THIS MAN ->
I mean, just look at this guy. Wouldn't you trust him with your career?
We come to learn that he is the Wildman, owner of Wildman's School of Wild Wrestling. And to his right is the lovely Princess Penelope.
Well, she was to his right for about ten seconds, then dropped to her knees and parked her mouth between his legs as Wildman cheered her on.
But Penelope wasn't just eye candy, oh no - she was Wildman's manager of record. Said the Wildman of her skills: "I love a woman who can manage my career and my c%ck at the same time!"
Well, who wouldn't. I believe that's the very definition of the American Dream, in fact.
Despite Wildman's fantastic commercial, nerdy Brad still has some reservations. Oddly enough, his wife has no reservations about having sex with him, despite his tendency to curl up in a fetal position whenever she hits on him.
What a bizarre little man monkey that Brad is.
Our heroes get away from their nymphomaniacal wives long enough to take Wildman up on his offer.
Wildman, though, isn't impressed with what he sees.
He decides to split the two up, and teaches Brad the ropes...
...as Penelope takes Melvin into the office and rides his baloney pony.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think that Brad got the raw end of that deal.
Wildman decides that the two are ok after all, and gives them their new personas: Melvin becomes Zulu the Voodoo Man, and Brad is Hunk Golden. Wildman pats Brad on the back, who, becaue he's such a wimp, promptly falls to the ground like an idiot.
Speaking of idiots, Melvin goes home in his new costume, and his brain surgeon of a wife doesn't recognize him.
And here I thought Lois Lane was a dumbass for not noticing that Superman was just Clark Kent without his glasses.
While Janice is thrilled with her husbands new exploits, Kimberly is not. She confronts Penelope about what is going on, which naturally leads to talk about Kimberly's sex life.
Hey whoa whoa whoa, bitch - don't be dissing nerds who stare at their computers all day!
As if being called a loser by his wife wasn't bad enough, the Wildman catches Brad getting blown by Penelope - and unleashes a torrid rant.
To any indy wrestler out there looking for a catchphrase, I strongly suggest stealing Wildman's "I'm gonna rip off your dick and make you wear it as a bowtie."
It's just the kind of thing that could get a guy noticed.
This leads to a pier six...ummm...orgy, I guess, which would be the first time I've ever seen that in a wrestling ring.
Perhaps most shockingly, however, is the fact that Vince Russo is not listed on the credits as the screenwriter.
Wildman and Penelope look on like proud parents.
Then very unlike proud parents, they too join the orgy.
(Yeah yeah, I know I stole that from the book - too bad, it was one of my favorites. Sue me.)
Amazingly, this wasn't Wildman's last exploit in the wrestling ring, as there is, apparently, a SEQUEL to this out their in the land of blow up dolls and battery operated dildos. And why wouldn't there be a follow-up? According to Blade, Randy West was nominated for best actor in the "prestigious" Adult Video News awards for his role as the Wildman.
"Mercy Daddy!" indeed.
Kimberly: "Nobody told me anything...what affair?"
Janice: "Well how did you know?"
Kimberly: "I didn't know - you just told me!"
Janice: "Oh, it's so embarrassing."
Kimberly: "WHY?! I wish I were having an affair! My sex life is sooooooo boring!"
Janice: "Please Kimberly, don't tell Melvin - he just lost his job and I can't get the spots off my dishes!"
Melvin: "This isn't fake! Why do you think Wildman's got that patch on his eye? Cause he got his eye put out, ha ha!"
Wildman (on TV): "Hey this is the Wildman comin' at ya! Are you tired of being a wimp? Are you tired of getting your butt kicked?"
Brad: "He's not talking to us..."
Wildman: "Yeah I'm talking to you!"
Princess Penelope: "Oh Wildman, you're so big and strong...and big..."
Wildman: "Oh yeah Penelope - you put a mean lip lock on me!"
Zulu/Melvin: "I am Zulu, the Voodoo Man."
Janice: "Melvin, is that you? What are you doing, you look so funny?"
Kimberly: "Well, no, it isn't, ok? To be honest, Brad is quite boring. As a matter of fact, all he does is sit in front of that G** damn computer of his all day!"
