Big
Van "The Man They Call" Vader was one of the best
monster heels in WCW and the WWF. A behemoth with a true smash
mouth style, killer look, and excellent big man ability, he
looked to be unstoppable. I remember his awesome encounters
with the likes of Sting and Ric Flair and like many, thought
there was absolutely no doubt Vader would rule the business
for years to come.
One
trip to the shark infested political waters of the WWF, combined
with rapid weight gain, and Vader was slumming in the prelims.
But
not before he got a guest stint on Boy Meets World.
Yes, Boy Meets World, the wacky sitcom as part of ABC's
TGIF comedy extravaganza in the mid 90's.
You
wouldn't think that Vader would be a guy sitcom producers would
flock to for a guest appearance. A big, grunting, ferocious
man of little words he was, after all. One can only surmise
that perhaps they saw him in the starring roles in two-thirds
of the unholy trilogy of WCW celluloid epics (those being the
White Castle of Fear and Beach Blast, with the legendary Spin
the Wheel, Make the Deal being the one he wasn't in) and thought,
"If he can do this crap with a straight face, he's
Laurence Olivier...Laurence Olivier in a singlet!"
Think
we're exaggerating?
Well,
then explain how he was on the show, no joke, THREE TIMES!
The
first time in a cameo as himself and the dad of one of
the bully students that intimidates Cory into a wrestling
match before the always wise Mr. Feeney steps in and threatens
to tell everyone that Vader's real name is....*whisper*
Leslie.
Come
now, "Leslie" ain't that bad. |
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Now
if it was "Ed Leslie"...
(Note
from RD: You know, a bow tie would have reall accentuated
Vader's smoking skull helmet thingy.)
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And so we get Cory irresponsibly using wrestling moves
on the fellow classmate.
Of
courrse, that could never happen today. No, we'd get
5 different "Don't Try This At Home" PSA's
and then an inadvertant shot to the balls, all sequenced
to a laugh track.
But
back in the mid 90's, when kids weren't completely stupid
and parents not obsessively litigious, you could do
such things.
I weep inside for the more innocent world we once lived
in.
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By
the way, that episode gave us something I always wanted
to see. Robert Goulet and Vader sharing space inside
a wrestling ring. How cool is THAT?!
(Note
from RD: Would have been cooler if they did a duet of
"On a Clear Day You Can See Forever". Just
sayin'.)
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The
second episode with Vader was a shorter cameo where
Cory and Shawn befriend his son Frankie Jr out of fear
but learn that despite being a big intimidating mountain
of a boy, Frankie Jr is a sensitive soul and Vader busting
into Cory's kitchen like the Kool Aid Man (sadly without
bellowing "OH YEAH!") and cutting a promo
is perfectly acceptable behavior in this TV show's universe.
I
should note this is perfectly acceptable as this is
the same network that had Urkel traveling through time
and cloning himself.
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The
main episode we'll be looking at today is the 3rd and
final episode with Vader in a bigger role as himself
(see, he's getting the hang of this). His son Frankie
Jr. reveals himself to be a poetry enthusiast, which
doesn't meet with the approval of his wrestler dad and
little brother.
I
take issue with this, as Lanny Poffo is one of the best
wrestler/poets this world has ever seen!
(Note
from RD: Pick up your copy of Limericks
from the Heart...And Lungs! today!!)
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Vader
thinks that Cory is a bad influence on his son with the
poetry and threatens to "crush him like garlic and
put him in his spaghetti".
Alright,
Vader delivering that line made me smile.
But
Cory wins him over by revealing he's a wrestling fan and
saw him powerbomb Sycho Sid in the Philly Spectrum. Yes,
this show takes place in Philly, and not a single ECW
reference to be found.
A
TV show universe without ECW?!
Inconceivable! |
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Frankie
Jr. asks for Cory's help in winning the love of his
dad by having Cory tell him wrestling business lingo
and tips, such as telling his dad he's putting the Vaderbomb
on his opponent "too slowly".
Hold
on, when did CORY become a wrestling strategist? I'll
bet he's a member of the IWC. Probably hangs out on
the F4W BOARD,
trolling people about how this week's Impact is a better show than any 1997 Nitro.
Nevertheless,
Vader appreciates his son's advice and begins to approve
of him and helps establish the bond between father and
son.
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It
works so well that Frankie Jr. asks Cory and Shawn to
accompany him to Vader's WWF match against Jake the Snake
at the Spectrum so he could be in his dad's corner and
advise him with the strategy Cory gives him.
BUT
WAIT! |
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Cory already agreed to attend his girlfriend Topanga's
Sweet 16 Birthday Party.
Cory's
a wrestling fan, what the hell is he doing with a girlfriend?
And
f or the record, I don't understand why 16 is such a
special age for girls. I can't remember anything that
happened when I was 16 other than being bored in high
school and watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 on Saturday mornings.
Anyways, he agrees to be in both places at the same
time, which leads to the always fresh sitcom cliche
of running back and forth to be in both places until
it blows up in the person's face and all is revealed
and forgiven in the end, A-HA-HA-HA!!
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It's
the day of the match and Brother Love (?????!!!) is
the ring announcer/match commentator and says if Vader
wins, he gets a title shot against Shawn Michaels.
Oh
boy, I don't see that going well...
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Vader
and Jake have a match that plods along as Cory and Shawn
decide to run across the city to let Topanga know they
made it to her party...
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...but
then rush out just as quickly. Lucky for Cory and Shawn,
Vader and Jake are still wrestling when they get back.
I know I'm breaking kayfabe and ruining the story but
in 1996 I don't see Jake lasting more than 10 minutes
in the ring at best before the fans begin to rebel,
file out and demand refunds.
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Vader
isn't doing too well and Brother Love says that "their
advice has not been paying off". I don't think
Brother Love is paying attention because I haven't seen
Cory, Shawn or Frankie Jr. advise Vader in any way that
a manager/adviser at ringside usually does.
Maybe
they're out looking to get a cane.
Or
a megaphone.
Or
a cell phone.
Or
a tennis racket.
I
really miss managers with absurdly blatant foreign objects
at their disposal.
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Wait,
there they are!
Cory tells Frankie Jr to tell his dad to counter Jake's
DDT or else he's done.
Sage
wisdom there.
SAGE
WISDOM.
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Aaaaaaannnndddd....they
run out again.
These
guys are pretty lousy managers.
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Cory
returns to the party but forgot to take off his Vader
mask. Chuckle, chortle, guffaw. Topanga doesn't seem
to be suspicious about any of those and when she goes
to ask the deejay to play their special song to dance
to, Cory and Shawn see the match on the television at
the party and are out the door again as Topanga is left
there alone and disappointed.
Disappointment:
get used to it, Toots.
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Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnddddddd
back again. Geez, is this a Vader-Jake the Snake 60
minute Iron Man Match?
Vader
appears to be losing the match but his son's encouraging
words of love for his dad whether he wins or loses inspires
him to get his second wind and Vaderbomb Jake for the
3 count and title shot against Shawn Michaels.
Hope
Shawn doesn't throw a hissy fit when you forget to roll
out of the way of his elbow drop this time, Leon!
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The
group celebrates Vader's victory but Shawn reminds Cory
about Topanga's party and they're out the door again.
Topanga is all alone and tells Cory she knows what's up
because they're on Monday Night Raw with the words REPLAY
flashing on the screen for plot convenience. |
Topanga
is angry at first but then realizes Cory helped Vader
bond with his son so she forgives him.
The
episode comes to a close as they safely dance (Safely
Dance, not Safety Dance) in the middle of the WWF ring
once they know Jerry Lawler is nowhere near the building.
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And
we leave you with this image:
If
there's ever been an image on this site that begs to be modified
into a motivational poster, it would be that one.
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